Squidbillies (2005) s02e01 Episode Script

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Hell, no.
- Man, let me drive that thing.
Come on! - Do not touch the trim! That's how you make yourself a badass ponytail.
- That's pretty badass, huh? - Now you wild! - Am l ever gonna walk again? - l would say no.
Hey, Sheriff, how you doing? You working hard or you just hardly working? Get it? Damn, Sheriff, you sweating like a one-armed man in a running in a exercises and something like that, you know.
lt's not sweat, it's water.
You see my house down there? Apparently someone ripped the pipes out of my basement last night.
So you come up here to buy yourself some pipes? Well, then, just follow the blue lights to savings.
And that would explain the missing siren.
That would explain the missing siren, huh? Maybe.
Maybe not.
Early, hop in.
We need to take a ride into town.
- Daddy, not again.
- Oh, hell.
l got my own cuffs this time.
Yours pinch.
We're not going to jail, Early.
We're gonna take you to one of them head doctors and see if he can help you with your criminal problems.
No, thank you.
l don't do business over the telephone with the government.
- Hell, you're the one that needs it.
- Early, this isn't about me.
lt's about you.
lt's all about him.
lt's always about him.
No one cares about how l feel, and l'll tell ya, l'm drowning in this.
Right, OK.
Let me just take in what just happened and now l'm gonna turn to you, Early and l'm gonna ask you point blank, how do you feel? Well, sometimes l feel like a nut, and sometimes l don't.
- So that's a joke? - See? He doesn't think about his feelings.
He just puts 'em away in his pocket and then he runs over to my basement and rips out all my pipes! Now, hold on.
l needed that copper.
Come on, now, doc, it weren't like l was wasting it.
- l'm running a damn business here.
- The business of betrayal.
God, here comes Ruby Falls.
Thank you.
When have l ever denied you the right to be deceptified by me? When? Just name one.
When? When? The picnic.
Remember that? Are you gonna count every time l was stoned? We'll be here all night, then.
OK, l just want to intervene here for one second because if you guys have just come here to assign blame this is probably not a good place to do it.
You know, it sounds to me like neither of you really understand where the other one is coming from.
So what l want you to do is switch roles.
You need to walk a mile in the other man's shoes.
- l ain't got no shoes.
- Look, you know what l mean.
l usually serve lunch to the inmates about now.
l got the menu Lockdown! That's a pretty good technique but generally l won't do a lockdown unless there's a prison break or a race riot.
Shut your damn mouth, Squidbill! l think you're missing the point of this exercise.
l think you're missing the next three meals, mister! - Deputy Russell, put him in the hole.
- Which hole you want him in? The tiny one! l don't think we learned one blessed thing.
Did l tell you he sold my house? He sold my house! No, that ls that true, Early? That can't be true.
- Early? - He's talking to you, Haus.
- Actually, l think he's talking to you.
- Nobody gives a damn.
This is what we're here for.
Lockdown! - When can we stop this? - Shut your damn mouth, Squidman.
OK, let's try another technique because l don't think it's working.
- Let's try something else.
- Yeah, we forgot to wet him down.
Tell me where Mr.
Joshua is! All right, look, l want you to take all those things that are eating away inside, weighing you down and l want you to pull them all out and scream them out at the top of your lungs.
- Sheriff.
- Who, me? Yeah, just cut loose.
Just get it all off your chest.
This is a safe haven for both of you gentlemen.
OK, well, you see, Early, well, he don't respect Are you done? Everybody stand back.
lt's my turn.
- No.
- l just called it.
Don't you push me! You always push me into positions l don't like! l'm the law, and you break the law, and you still expect me to be your friend! How can l be who l am and still be in a relationship with you? lt's always about you! You think you're the center of the universe and we ought to move the show to Friday head to head with CSl! Come on, you got to give a show time to find an audience Hell, you know he can act.
He played Doogie Howser for seven seasons.
Excellent work, gentlemen, excellent.
l think this is about as good as it gets, guys.
No, no! Without us, they have no network! l've often wondered if l even do have a pair.
Yes, of testicles! l've never seen 'em, no! And you dressed me in chiffon! Pretty, pretty chiffon.
Well, guess what! l think l'm pregnant! Again! Thanks a lot, mama! - Well, that felt pretty good.
- You're not pregnant.
- You're a man.
- You read my diary.
You had no right! - My house, my rules.
Too bad.
- lt's not your house now! He's right about that.
l sold it.
- l really need to wrap this thing up.
- Wait a minute.
- Ain't l gonna get to yell or nothing? - Well Sure, Early, go ahead.
Gimme back my bullets! That smell! What the hell is that smell? Yeah.
Do you have any concerns that are not really a Skynyrd deep cut? Yeah.
Something has been kind of gnawing at me.
Stand back.
- Show me them titties! - Are you talking to my mama? lf she'll do it.
Will she do it? - Probably will.
- OK, l think we're all set here.
What did you say? Never mind, mama.
He ain't talking about you.
Maybe l was.
ls she fine? Are you kidding? She's a fox.
She's my mom, and l am very attracted to Oh God, what is wrong with me?! OK, look, l want you two men to work out your differences over here on this bed.
Do you see where l'm going with this? You want to put these rubber sheets on the bed? Why don't l set up the video camera and l'll try to get some chicks on the horn.
Wait a minute.
What kind of therapist are you? What kind of therapist am l? Well, maybe it's possible that you've misconstrued my credentials.
l mean, l'm not really a therapist.
l'm the rapist.
Everyone has made that mistake.
That sign is very misleading.
l like to separate work from family so l got an office and l just come to work here.
l rape and then l go home and l take care of the kids.
- The whole thing is a write-off.
- That's illegal, l believe.
l don't think you can write off rapes.
Well, so is rape.
But that never stopped me.
- l mean, l can't stop.
- You could change your behavior and that would, you know, stop all the raping.
- You really think so, Mr.
Freud? - lt's an idea.
Come on, who's the doctor here? - l guess no one.
- Bed's made! Weren't you going to call up some damn good-ass looking women to get 'em naked over here? Well, l was trying to, but Besides, women just really aren't that wild about the rapist.
- You know what l'm saying? - l feel like l should arrest you.
Well, you know, you're conflicted about arresting Early.
What makes you think that you could possibly arrest me? Hold it right there.
You got a point.
- Girls never liked me neither.
- You know, maybe that inadequacy feeds your low self-esteem and enables your indecisiveness.
- 'Cause you ain't got the nuts.
- That's it, you're right.
You know something, l been running scared my whole life.
Well, not anymore.
Nope, no more running.
From this point on, the old sheriff is dead.
That burns! Damn! - Well, that was embarrassing.
- Yes, it was, and you know l don't know, this seems like a good time to stop.
Anytime would have been a good time to stop, because as l said, l'm not really a therapist.
That was unsatisfying.
How about me and you go get crazy as hell on some ice.
Early, how about we do this.
You do whatever you want and l will try my hardest not to disturb you.
No.
lf l compromise with you what kind of message does that send my boy? l'm as firm as red clay and as constant as drinking.
l'm constantly drinking.
- No, thank you.
l'm on the job.
- Keep your eyes peeled.
l'm gonna jimmy-jack this door and see what the hell l can get! Early Listen, now, maybe we need to spend some time apart.
Don't be that way.
l got a homemade pipe bomb! Chock full of nails! Gonna take down the government.
You know what? You just take down everything you want! l can't change you.
Gonna make my voice heard, get the old flag back! Ultra conservative zealotry! Call me! BloodLogic