Staged (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

- BIRDSONG
- Michael?
- Michael?
- David!
- You all right?
- Give me a minute.
What are you doing now?
I worry that I'm in a Hitchcock film.
- What do you mean?
- The birds are coming back
to Port Talbot.
That's nice.
And a large blue finch
is the leader, it seems.
You all right?
Just adjusting. You all right?
- Cachu hwch!
- Cachu hwch!
- Cachu hwch!
- Cachu hwch!
Cachu hwch!
WELSH ACCENT: Total bloomin' disaster.
For those of you just joining us,
welcome to my house.
Welcome to my kitchen.
I've been in prison here
for half a year.
I'm done with Zoom,
if I'm being honest with you.
But I'm here now with two people
who actually made it work,
Michael Sheen and David Tennant.
Or should that be David Tennant
and Michael Sheen?
Ah!
This is Romesh Ranganathan's
Six Months In Lockdown,
a celebration of the wonderful things
that have basically got us through
this challenging period.
Michael and David are here to talk
to us about their BBC show, Staged.
- Thank you for having us.
- Lovely to be here.
And still with us, of course,
Sir Michael Palin,
who waited for Godot in an online
reading of the Beckett classic.
I meant to ask, Sir Michael,
did Godot ever arrive?
No, no.
We're still waiting.
OK, well, while you wait,
David and Michael,
massive congratulations on the show.
- Thank you.
- I know I have to say that, contractually,
- but genuinely, I mean it. Very funny.
- Thanks very much. Cheers.
First question, I guess,
is what's real and what's not?
Like, is Simon that much of an idiot?
N-Nooo
Noooo
Michael does shout at birds.
Well, I have a bird's nest for hair,
so it helps to be courteous.
But it was a television show.
It was a television show. Yes.
So, I mean, does Simon's
sister own that house?
No.
So what, no screenplay, no novel?
No carrots, no pineapples. None of it.
- It did feel real.
- Well, thank you very much.
How much of it was actually improvised?
- All of it.
- Well, that That does come up a lot.
- Was there actually a script, then?
- There were ideas.
And then, you know, we would
play around with it quite a lot.
Not not everything made it
into the cut, though.
No, there are hours of footage
somewhere,
of us not being particularly funny.
So what gold did we lose
to the cutting-room floor?
Well, there was one moment where,
quite memorably,
David accused me of being
a cut-price Mike Yarwood.
Is that funny?
Well, no.
I don't think I actually
know who Mike Yarwood is.
Ah! You see? I told
you, didn't I? I told you.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe
He's He's a comedy titan!
So, Romesh,
most of David's contributions
were based on these sort of
bizarre, obscure references.
Yeah. Well, that's why they're cut.
I'm a little too intellectual
for primetime.
- And not funny.
- Well, at least I didn't resort
to lazy Muppet impressions, did I?
There was nothing lazy about my Muppet!
I was exhausted!
Do you know who Mike Yarwood is,
Sir Michael?
Yeah, I actually know Mike Yarwood.
Really? I didn't realise
he was still, er working.
Well, let's have another clip.
- Great.
- Lovely.
- This one's a couple of minutes.
- OK.
- Which one is it?
- It's, er, cookie jar.
Mmm. We've seen them all
quite a lot now.
I'm sure. I mean, I imagine
Sir Michael's a step ahead there.
- Yes!
- Sir Michael, how many dead parrots
do you reckon you've seen in your time?
Oh, a few!
What is the collective noun
for dead parrots?
A Norwegian blue.
A sunken fjord!
- A macaw.
- Er, Sir Michael,
any ideas, collective noun
for dead parrots?
A humiliation?
MICHAEL AND DAVID CHUCKLE
- Er, have you seen Staged, Sir Michael?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I watched a couple.
- Have you? Which ones?
- The first one
- Did you like it?
- Loved it.
- Yeah!
Thank goodness for that.
For what it was, you know.
And we're back.
That was BBC One's
lockdown comedy Staged.
David and Michael,
you said the story is fictional,
but what about your characters?
- Oh Nothing like us at all.
- Total fabrication.
Not Not a scintilla.
No, I mean, I don't think
we're very funny in real life.
Well, I don't think
you're funny. I'm funny.
Sure, obviously.
I just mean, we're not
we're not comedians.
Ah, you're still young.
Yeah
And what's next for you guys?
I'm back to proper work, actually.
A show that I was working on
before lockdown, is revving back up
- so I'm off out to South Africa.
- Very nice.
We've had a couple of false starts,
but I think this is finally it
and I am flying tomorrow.
- Great. And Michael?
- I don't do proper work any more.
So I'm off to New York
to see family and friends.
Right. Travel allowing, I imagine.
Oh, no, it'll be fine.
- I believe. It will be fine.
- Yeah, of course. Of course.
Sir Michael, do you reckon
you would have done Staged
if they'd asked you?
Oh, no, I couldn't have kept up!
- DAVID AND MICHAEL CHUCKLE
- No improvisation in Monty Python?
No, we were quite disciplined.
That wasn't the Staged approach.
No!
Although, I mean, I do think
some quite brave stuff
has come out of that more
sort of improvisatory approach.
Do you?
Er, Michael, David,
we've got another clip,
but first, one more question.
Er, I think you know
what I'm going to ask.
Er, any chance of another series?
I mean, it was so specific
to that moment, wasn't it?
Yeah.
It was so about being
locked in your house and
I mean, hopefully we're not
- going to go in to another lockdown.
- Well, exactly.
But
But having said that,
if there was a way of doing it
- Yeah.
- for me, it would definitely be a yes.
I mean, it was a joy to do.
- It was such good fun, yeah.
- OK.
So I'm going to take that
as a really waffley yes.
Yeah, I suppose so.
It's a great big Welsh waffley yes
from me.
Well, on that, here's a clip of some
other strange and wonderful things
people have made through all of this.
OK, we're out.
This one's a little bit longer,
so I'm just going to nip
to the toilet, guys, all right?
- Sure.
- Great stuff. See you in a sec.
I hope you don't think I was
dismissing the Python approach.
Oh, God, no. No, not at all.
Good. Because, I mean,
it was so important to me
when I was growing up. I'm such a fan.
I didn't really like Staged.
TOILET FLUSHES
OK.
I don't really like improvisation.
All these people
sort of rolling the comedy dice
and hoping something sticks.
Right. No, I understand.
We worked hard in our day.
YORKSHIRE ACCENT:
Waking up before I went to bed.
Yeah, yeah.
One of Eric's great lines.
Er, I think we
It's not that we didn't
We worked hard too.
I'm sure you did.
You squatted down, you pushed very hard
and you squeezed something out.
Well, I mean, people do like it.
QUIETLY: Fuck you.
Now this well-practised,
self-congratulatory back and forth
because people want to celebrate
your used toilet paper again.
I'm I'm a fan of yours.
It was like a 30-minute
Celtic reach-around.
- Whoa!
- No, David
The episodes are only 15 minutes.
- All right?
- Yep.
- Yep.
- Fine.
Cool. We've got about another minute.
- OK. We'll be ready!
- Wicked. All right, see you in a sec.
I think you're being a bit unkind,
actually.
We made Python 50 years ago.
Yeah, and it's a bit dated.
- Oh, David!
- They still talk about us now.
- I know.
- But they won't talk about you.
Why not?
Because you're not funny.
Oh, God. Sorry about that, guys.
David, Michael, all PR aside,
are you going to do a second series,
do you reckon?
Unlikely.
- Wouldn't have thought so.
- No.
Honestly? Why not?
Well, we're not funny, are we?
That's a shame.
And we're back.
What's going on?
Yeah, I've got a suitcase here.
DAVID: This is interesting.
This is interesting.
But OK, let me just get
Just so I understand, it's not
We're not talking about
a second series,
we're talking about a remake?
- For American television.
- American Staged?
But isn't it a bit unnecessary?
Why don't they just show
the episodes we've already made?
When do we need to decide?
When do they need an answer?
I'm flying to New York tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm literally about
to leave for the airport.
- I'll need to talk to Michael.
- I'll need to talk to David.
- I have news.
- Yep, me too.
- What's your news?
- What's your news?
- You're not pregnant, are you?
- What? No!
I mean, it's not
an unreasonable question.
What's your news?
They want to do an
American remake of Staged.
- Oh!
- What's your news?
The flights to South Africa
have been cancelled.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- No.
- Oh, cock-a-doodle-bum-tits. Not again!
- Yeah.
What's the plan?
Er, watch this space.
- I fucking hate this space.
- I know.
- I just want to work.
- I know.
Do you think I'm funny?
I think you do and say funny things.
That is wilfully opaque.
I just wanted to do new things.
Have you spoken to Michael?
No.
All right, so pros and cons.
Yeah, pros, I really want to work.
Con, Michael Palin
doesn't think we're funny.
- Can we ask another Python?
- Which one?
Eric Idle? He seems nice.
- Michael Palin seemed nice!
- Yeah.
I like the landscape of America.
Mmm. Me too.
Always really fancied myself
in a cowboy film.
Oh-ho-ho, yes.
What would your horse be called?
Sheen.
Aww!
- Oh, hey, Anna!
- Hi, David.
Aren't you supposed to be flying?
- Oh, not today.
- Oh, no.
You ready for New York?
Yeah, just packing. But
can you talk to Michael
about his legs?
I would love to.
He says they're too chunky.
Chunky!
- Mmm. So he refuses to pack shorts.
- I see. Right.
Do you wear shorts?
Almost exclusively.
Do you think I'm funny?
- What, in shorts?
- No!
Am I a funny person?
Yeah.
- Michael, come on.
- No.
- Wear shorts.
- No.
Why not?
They make my crotch
too free.
Oh, fuck it,
shall we just go to America?
Yeah?
Yeah. I mean, I do and say funny things,
you have comedically chunky legs.
That's enough.
- We are funny.
- Oh, we're fucking hilarious.
Back to work!
Staged: America!
Staged: America!
Come on, Sheen!
Er, no. Hey, no
I'm going to ride you
all the way to America, boy!
You are not riding me anywhere, matey!
Saddle up, Sheeny!
I have put the last saddle
on my back for you, mate.
I love it. We made a thing.
Let's go to America and do it again.
Yeah. And do you know what?
One day, we will bump into
Michael Palin at some glitzy
fancy-dress party and he will say,
"I utterly misjudged you,
"you clown gods."
- Yes! We'll be invaluable again!
- Because you know what?
You and I are masters of our destinies.
- Kings of the hills!
- Tops of the morning!
- Docks of the bay!
- Yes!
They're going to fucking love us!
AMERICAN VOICE: They don't want you.
What?
Either of you.
Right.
Now, they love the show,
but they're going to recast
for the American market.
That is, er, bad news.
- Oh, I know.
- When did you know this?
Well, the email just arrived.
S-so who is doing it, then?
- Well, it's only rumours.
- Who?
Colin Firth and Hugh Grant.
Colin Firth and Hugh Grant?!
- That's just what I'm hearing.
- They're not American!
- Doesn't matter.
- They're more British than we are!
Yes, but they're known in America.
I'm known in America!
- They're known better.
- What What else does the email say?
It says they have
a lot of respect for you both,
and they want leads with
more US recognition,
and a pair who are more
believable as friends.
Sorry?! We are actually friends!
Yes, but nobody's buying it.
And they also want people
with more comedic experience.
- I'm funny.
- I know.
I mean, Colin Firth is not funny.
I'm fu Knock, knock.
You're still on as executive producer.
- Knock, knock!
- With Simon.
- Simon.
- Yes, he's still involved!
Doing what?!
Rewrites!
Listen, I didn't think you were
in a rush to get back to work.
I'm not! It's just David
got me all excited about this.
I thought you were David.
No, I'm Michael.
COMPUTER CHIMES
Hugh Grant.
OK, choose a card.
People don't think
we're believable as friends!
I know. I heard.
The Palin thing hurt,
but that is a gut punch.
- Why Why is that?
- I suppose they've only ever heard us
speak other people's lines,
haven't they?
Anna keeps telling me
I'm dropping into character.
Yes! Georgia says exactly
the same to me about me!
- Right, yeah.
- I keep having to say to her No!
That's who I am!
- That's me!
- Exactly!
I can't be anything else!
You can't say I'm dropping into
character when I'm the character!
Say something now. Say something
that's authentically you.
My flights to New York are cancelled.
Oh, the world starts, the world stops.
It's arbitrary, isn't it?
"As flies to wanton boys
are we to the gods."
- Can we not?
- Quite right. OK.
Yeah, got it?
OK, hold it up. I don't want to see it,
but hold it up, back facing to me.
We're going to be like this
for a while yet, aren't we?
- How do you mean?
- Staring at a screen.
- Hoping for a miracle.
- Oh, yeah.
Maybe we could start a magic act.
The amazing Michael Sheen
and the Scottish David Tennant.
- Three of diamonds.
- No.
Fuck. Four of diamonds.
That was close -
it was the two of diamonds.
Oh, you see? I was so close!
Close enough for jazz.
Not close enough for magic.