Strangers with Candy (1999) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank,
and I'm a 47-year-old freshman.
Again.
I just got out of jail.
Again.
And I'm starting my life
all over again.
Again.
But this time, I'm gonna
be a proper girl
doing things the proper way
Properly.
MAN: Hey, baby,
you want a date?
Excuse me?
You know, a date?
I don't do that anymore.
I got cash.
Fight it, fight it, fight it!
Do it, do him, take the money!
Do it, do him, take the money!
Take the money!
Take it, take it, take it!
Whore, whore!
You want it, you want it,
you want it, you want it!
Come on, come on!
Oh yeah, oh yeah!
Maybe we could go
get a pizza first.
[SCREAMING AND CHEERING]
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends,
did a lot of time.
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole the TV.
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
COACH WOLF:
Virginity.
Remember, a virgin body
has the morning sheen of
an unopened flower
and the freshness
of secret springs.
It's your choice, ladies:
Hold on to your glorious
ripe fruit, or
[BANG]
Comprende?
Now I have ribbons
for all of you up here
to wear with pride.
I know I do.
So get one on your way out.
That's it for today.
What's so great about
being a virgin, Tammi?
I've got something boys want,
and they can't have it.
Yeah?
What about girls?
What?
Nothing, just
testing the waters.
Jerri, all I know is that
I'm saving myself
for someone really special.
Well, I'm doing the same thing,
but in between,
I'm screwin' a lot of guys
who aren't that special.
Maybe I shouldn't, Coach Wolf.
Jerri, if you're worried
about your past, don't.
This is a great opportunity
to start fresh.
Even though this morning,
I thumbed a ride
and made a little lunch money?
Jerri, I'm giving you a chance
to reclaim your virginity.
What?
Reclaim your virginity!
It's a new movement.
Girls all across the country
are getting a second chance
at purity by becoming chaste.
What are you talking about,
Coach Wolf?
I'm talking about giving
the damn thing a rest, Jerri.
Look, if you want to reclaim
your virginity,
let your fertile
valley lie fallow.
Start thinking like a virgin.
Hey, Barbara, wait up!
Well, I can do that!
Don't think about sex.
Don't think about sex.
Don't think about sex.
Hey, Jerri Lou!
I was wondering
wondering what, hmm?
If you can get me
behind the dumpster,
hike up my skirt and pound home?
Well, I'm a virgin now.
And this is one blushing rose
you are not gonna de-flower.
I just wanted to
ask you to a movie.
[SNAP, SNAP]
A movie huh?
Maybe we could, I don't know,
sit in the balcony
and I could take a bite
out of your candy bar
while ya poke
around in my popcorn box.
I don't think so,
Mr. Pervert.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna' go powder my
newly pure nether region.
Get outta my face!
Hey, Jerri, way to
handle that animal.
Just trying to keep the boulder
in front of my love cave.
Hey, why don't you join us
in the cafeteria for lunch?
Wow!
I'll see you there, ladies!
Hmm, don't think about sex,
don't think about sex,
don't think about sex.
It's gonna be hard.
Hard.
[GRUNTS]
I can't believe they asked
me to have lunch.
I thought I'd never
fit in with the virgins.
Well, the new Jerri Blank does.
You know, copperhead, the best
part about being a virgin is that ya
Shazam!
Look!
Drake Rogers!
Mmm, he makes me
all puffy down there.
I'd love to tame his
blue-veined sway-back throbber.
Mm, mm.
What do you mean, Jerri?
Take 'em backstage
behind the meat curtains,
know what I mean?
I'm talking about
pounding out the veal.
Are you thinking about
having sex already?
Does a pimp carry a razor?
I don't know.
Trust me, they all do.
Oh you better 86
the 69 talk, Jer.
Here come the girls.
Hey, girls.
Ladies.
Hi, Trudy, Tina.
Hey, thanks for
escorting us, Jimmy.
You can go now.
Hey, Jerri.
Uhm, I'll be eating over there.
Just let me know if
you need to go anywhere.
TINA: That Jimmy Tickles
is a true gentleman.
Hey, guess what we just heard about
Drake Rogers and Audrey Stapina?
They did it
behind the dumpsters.
What a slut!
And we actually let her
hang out with us this summer.
Do you believe it, Jerri?
What a floozie!
Hey look, there she is!
Hey, whore!
We didn't do it!
Good one, girls.
TINA: Doesn't she have
any respect for herself?
Could you imagine
going all the way?
I couldn't.
The ways of love are
a mystery to me.
The feeling of a man's pelvis
pounding against your haunches
as you lie bent over a
beer-soaked pool table,
grasping for leverage,
and the endless
jackhammer action
turns you into a quivering mound
of oozing pleasure
Mmm
Is one I could not imagine.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Feel like making love ♪
Feel like making love ♪
feel like making love ♪
feel like making love ♪
[IN SLOW-MOTION]
feel like making lov ♪
What happened?
Who's that?
It's just my sister.
Hello.
You look so
Virgin-y?
Trust me, she's a whore.
Really?!
Oh, am I, dickless?
Well, check this out.
Lame badge, big deal.
A virgin whore!
I don't even know why
I'm talking to you, plug!
You're not even supposed
to be down here!
Mom!
It was very nice to make your
acquaintance, Drake.
Perhaps we can speak another
time when there are fewer
Sack wranglers around.
So long, scrote-lick.
Alright, guys, woo,
good practice.
I'm gonna see everyone
tomorrow, except for Mark.
You're out of the band.
What do you mean?
I'm the only one that
knows how to play!
Right, and you're
making us all look bad.
Hey.
What flavor you got there?
Grape.
See?
Cool.
You're so sweaty.
Yeah, we rocked pretty hard.
Yeah, for a band that's got
a faggot for a front man.
Hey, look, why don't we
hook up tomorrow night?
We could drive around in
my car and then stop
Then I could take you home.
Fight it, fight it, fight it.
Sure!
What should I, um, wear?
Something I could pull over
that pretty little head of yours.
Drake.
I'm just kidding.
But seriously,
wear something loose.
I'll pick you up
around 10:15.
Tomorrow's a school night.
Don't worry, I'll have
you home by 11:00.
[SNIFFING]
Mmm.
Bye.
[CRUNCHING]
Tomorrow!
Tammi
Drake Rogers asked me
out for tonight.
Jerri, you know he only
wants one thing.
Don't worry, nothing is more
important to me than my virtue.
[GRUNTING]
Man!
Look at the working over
he's giving his crapper.
You could break
a pool cue across it.
What happened to
your virtue, Jerri?
Hey, I'm a virgin, not a corpse.
Doesn't hurt to look.
Hey, girls.
JERRI:
Ladies.
Jerri, we heard an ugly rumor
that you were
going out with Drake.
He did express
an interest in me,
but don't worry, my chastity
is in no danger.
That's good to hear, Jerri,
because Drake Rogers leads
to a bad reputation
and a bad reputation is something
we can't be associated with.
You know, I hear Jimmy
Tickles has a big crush on you.
Why don't you go out with him?
He'd never try to
snatch your candy.
TRUDY:
Let's go, Tammi.
I'll see you, Jer.
Just remember, things are
going really well, don't blow it.
Or anything else.
Fight it, fight it, fight it
Hmm, hmm, fight it.
[GRUNTING]
Coach Wolf, can I
speak with you?
Hold on, Jerri, I'm just
strengthening the defenses.
[GRUNTING]
What's on your mind?
Well, I'm supposed to go on
a date tonight, with a senior,
and I know that
he will expect things.
Go on your date, Jerri.
Just remember, boys have
an appetite for us virgins.
They're like wolverines
trying to burrow down
to our musky treasures.
But what about my appetite?
Fight it tooth and nail.
If a boy really likes you,
he'll wait.
You're worth the wait, Jerri.
I'm worth the wait.
Let's wait.
[GRUNTING]
SARA: Getting ready
for your date, Jerri?
Yes, Mother.
Is that my expensive
French body powder?!
I just borrowed it, here
Uh, no, no, you can keep it.
It's all
It's all gummed up.
Mother, were you a virgin
when you married Daddy?
Yes, Jerri, he was.
When your father and I
first made love
Ehhhh
okay, tell me.
Look, Jerri,
the important thing is
that your father and I were
married and in love.
Well, what's the difference
between being married and in love
and single and in
the back of a car?
[CAR HORN HONKING]
That's him!
I'll be home by 11:00!
That's all right, Jerri, you can
stay out as long as you want.
Or move out even.
Aw, baby!
Drake, I just want you to
know that I'm a respectable girl
and I expect a respectable
night full of respect.
Right.
Right?
I've got keys to
my cousin's camper.
Nobody's there, let's go.
Drake, couldn't we get
something to eat first?
No!
I mean, what gives, Jerri?
I thought you liked me.
I do like you, Drake.
Then why don't you want to spend
some time with me in my cousin's camper?
Why can't I spend some time
with you eating pizza?
Because
Damn, I wish I was smarter.
Look, let's just go
to the camper, okay?
Maybe we can go
to the camper later.
I thought we could go get
some pizza and talk a little bit.
What could we possibly
talk about?
Pizza.
Fine.
You've got 15 minutes to shove
some pie down that hole of yours,
then it's camper time.
Drake, thanks for understanding.
Pizza, pizza, pizza!
[HONK, HONK, HONK]
Pizza, pizza, pizza,
pizza, pizza
[SLURPING]
Mmm, mmm
All that cheese, I'm going to
be trumpetin' all night long.
Can we go now?
Hey, it's Tammi Littlenut!
Hey, Tammi, come sit with us.
[ALL TALKING]
This is Tammi and this is Jimmy.
Hey, you like campers?
Not really.
Your loss.
Well, I have to go
to the ladies' room.
Tammi, you wanna come along?
I don't have to go.
You don't have to make
a tinkle or a poo poo?
No, Jerri.
Are you sure, Tammala?
Maybe once you get in there you'll
have to make a wee wee or a turdy?
Do you wanna go to
the bathroom and talk?
I guess we could talk if you
don't need to make a stinky.
COACH WOLF: Okay, Carlos, I
need a Double Diablo with extra cheese.
Coach Wolf!
What are you doing here?
Just moonlighting, Jerri.
Teachers don't make much money
and since I don't date,
I have my evenings free
to pick up some spare cash
Signorigna
I want to kiss up your bottom.
Carlos!
I'm talking
Okay, pero I would give it
such a firm kissing up.
Carlos, please!
Keep those armadillo paws
in the dough
where I can see 'em.
How's the date going, Jerri?
I'm trying to keep
a lid on things.
Well, what do you
think of Drake?
Well, I think he's selfish, loaded
with testosterone, and really stupid.
But do you think
he's a good catch?
Jerri!
Look, I just don't want
to ruin the date
by not giving him what I want.
If it ruins the date because
you didn't wanna have sex,
then Drake Rodgers isn't
worth spending time with.
Jimmy's the one you should
be going out with.
He's your date.
We're just friends.
All he does is talk about you.
That is just wrong.
It sure is.
I'll fix it.
It needs a few more sprouts
on the old acorn.
Trust me, I know 'em.
So has Freckles been
shalacking your wood?
What?
C'mon, you add that fresh
red scalp to your lodge pole?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
You know what?
I bet you never poked your
mouse in a jar of Cheese Whiz.
Why would I want to?
That answers everything.
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
Clam up, here comes our dates.
Hey, I got an idea
Why don't we pay the check,
and hit the camper?
I'll talk to you later.
Men!
Nice.
Smells gamey.
Hop on up.
Drake, you care about me, right?
Christ! First pizza,
and now this!
Look, Jerri
Hey, I want you to know
I will say anything
in order to get you
into this bunk, okay?
Oh, that's so sweet.
So I guess we've had
enough chatter.
Drake, wait.
I can't do this.
I want to, but on the other
hand, I really want to.
I need to be true to myself.
Look, this is a load of crap.
The only reason you're here is
'cause I'm hard and you're easy!
But you're not worth
all this bull.
Thanks for understanding.
Is this the way out?
Thanks for the pizza.
Well, hello, Mr. Jellineck.
Hi, Beth, I
TINA:
Well, well, well, Jerri.
We heard that you had a
busy night last night.
Oh, you talking about my
pizza date with Drake Rodgers?
We're talking about the blitzkrieg
he pulled on your suzy afterwords.
Well, I went home after.
Hmm, not according to Drake.
Sounds like he was
mining for ore down there.
What we're trying to say, Jerri
is that you are a whore, and
we don't hang out with whores!
Hey, Blank, you must be about as
worn out as a hooker on V.J. Day!
Drake.
[SPITS] Drake!
Jerri, hey!
I was just thinking about you.
Why did you spread
those vicious lies?
'Cause you didn't spread
those vicious thighs.
Exactly!
We didn't do anything.
Hey, you wanna do it now?
[SNAP, SNAP]
Why would I do that?
Well, since everybody
thinks we did it,
I thought we might as well,
you know, enjoy it, right?
How dare you
That does make sense!
C'mon, we can go out back
Hold that leer,
I'll be right back.
I'll be waiting by the dumpster.
[GROWLING]
[HUMMING "MEXICAN HAT DANCE"]
da da da da da ♪
Coach Wolf, can I
talk to you for a minute?
I didn't
what lovely flowers.
Wow, they're still warm.
They must be fresh
from the factory.
Where did you get 'em?
From an amigo.
"Thanks for last night.
Carlos."
What do you want, Jerri?!
I didn't have sex with Drake,
but everyone thinks that I did.
If everyone thinks I'm a whore,
shouldn't I at least whore it up?
Do you want to whore it up?
Uhfight it!
You're a virgin as long as
you pretend to act like one.
Understand?
Understand.
Oh, and Jerri.
Next time, try someone
more discreet.
Or at least somebody
who doesn't speak English.
Puta.
Aw yeah, I knew you'd show.
You ready to give it up?
Well, I thought it over,
and yeah, I'm gonna
frig you real good.
But when we're
frigging be gentle,
because theoretically,
this is my first time.
Aw yeah
Hold on.
Shy
So drop your drawers
and cover your eyes.
Jeez, I could
chip a tooth on that!
Hurry up, Jerri!
[SHOUTING]
Listen up!
For all of you who
think I'm a whore,
feast your eyes on
Flatpoint's real whore!
DRAKE: Hurry up,
Jerri, my boys are on fire!
[LAUGHTER]
But I
You just
Aw, I wish I was smarter!
He wanted me to
meet him back there
to receive some hastily
delivered fluids.
But I didn't,
and I don't, so I won't.
My freshness seal is unbroken,
and my delicates are still pure.
Way to go, Jerri.
Maybe we judged you
a little too harshly.
Good for you, Jerri.
Jimmy
I was wondering if maybe
you wanted to go out
on a respectable date,
like a museum or a church?
Sure, Jerri.
Want to go for a walk?
I'd love to!
Jimmy, you'd never say we
frigged when we didn't, would you?
Of course not, Jerri.
Or even if we did? What?!
C'mon, my boys are on fire!
Fight it, fight it, fight it!
What are you doing?
Slap it, slap it, slap it!
Slap oh, that smarts!
Oh, juice it, juice it
Hey, Jerri!
Hi virgins.
I guess what I learned
is that being a virgin
is a wonderful and precious
thing to hold on to,
as long as it doesn't
interfere with you having sex.
Did someone order a pizza?
Feelin' ♪
yes I'm
feelin' good ♪
smilin' ♪
and I know
I should ♪
feelin' ♪
feelin' oh
so fine ♪
walkin' ♪
walkin' on
sunshine ♪
the DJ's spinnin' ♪
and I am feelin' ♪
the DJ's spinnin' ♪
and I am feelin' ♪
the DJ's spinnin' ♪
and I am feelin' ♪
the DJ's spinnin' ♪
and I am feelin' good ♪