Stuck in the Middle (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Ahh Diaz home.
You got Tom.
Harley? Let me get her.
Harley! Harley! Daphne.
Need you to find Harley.
But I'm making toast.
It's the last piece of raisin bread.
I had seven kids so that when one was lost, there'd be six others to find them.
Go.
Just so this is still here when I get back Georgie, I need you to find Harley pronto.
I'm on my way to practice.
Dad specifically said, "Daphne, we need to find Harley, and Georgie's the best one to do it.
" Yeah, I could see that.
One minute, please.
Lewie, Beast, have you seen Harley? I'm trying to get out of the house.
I have to go to prac What are you doing? Frying bacon.
It's not really crisping up like we like.
Package said two minutes in the microwave.
Didn't say how long for patio.
In 30 seconds, we eat it either way.
The phone's for Harley.
Can you guys help find her? It's a super important, possibly dangerous mission.
- Dangerous mission? - We won't let you down.
Look, a helmet! Let's go head-butt some stuff! Phone's for Harley! Uh.
Oh, Rachel, need you to find Harley.
She has a call.
From who, 1998? Who even uses a landline anymore? Rachel, I'm busy with laundry.
Find Harley.
Hmm.
Hey, Ethan, phone's for Harley.
I can't find her.
I've looked everywhere.
Did you try her room? Let's not do this.
We both know I didn't.
Hey, Harls.
Phone's for you.
I'm kind of busy with my self-tying balloon.
May I take a message for Harley? I'm very sorry you had to hold for so long.
No, this is not a college dorm.
Okay, you're calling about the invention she submitted to Cannon Ball Cove, and would like to This is Harley.
You're kidding! Really? Really? Thank you! We're going to a waterpark! Doughnuts aren't the only thing that gets them running.
Good to know.
Yes! Sometimes it feels like things are out of control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kind of perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let me give again Let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado Always in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Our whole family is getting a free weekend at a waterpark? Is this an internet scam? Have we been hacked? Tom, we've been hacked! We haven't been hacked.
Are you sure? 'Cause normally places pay us to leave, not come.
It's a thank you because Cannon Ball Cove's trying out an invention I submitted, the Dry-Through.
It's like a hand dryer, but it dries your whole body super fast.
Big family is the mother of invention.
With nine people, you can never find a clean towel, so instead of trying to dry off with a soggy bathmat Yeah, it roasted my ice cream, but since it's my fantasy Ooh, strawberry! They said if the Dry-Through is a hit at Cannon Ball Cove, they're going to install it in all of their parks! Free waterpark vacation every year! Everybody, slow down.
I hate to be the wet blanket in the Dry-Through celebration, but there is no way this family is spending a weekend at a waterpark.
Who says no to a free waterpark vacation? My parents.
Not because they're mean.
Because they've learned.
A vacation with seven kids is no vacation.
We're really proud of your achievement, Harley, but we've been burned too many times.
All our family trips come with the four C's cost, chaos, complaining, and casualties.
And besides, the past few years we've finally found a vacation that's simple, efficient, and close.
Pilgrim Land.
Pilgrim Land?! Pilgrim Land.
How I hate thee.
Thou totally sucketh.
Just so you know, that place is starting to make me hate Thanksgiving.
Live with that! Come on, it's not that bad.
Five days of showering underneath a bucket, and no cell service? I can't.
Yeah.
Wheat-grinding class is not entertainment.
And shucking corn is not a sport, even if I did cut my shucking time in half, not to brag or anything.
I solemnly swear there will be no chaos or complaining.
Signed by Rachel Diaz, only valid during waterpark vacations.
All the kids will sign it.
We'll make a deal.
Take us to Cannon Ball Cove, and if you regret it, you never have to take us on vacation again.
No vacations ever again? I got to admit, I would like to eat at a food court that doesn't serve blubber.
They're wavering! Time to seal the deal with a shameless tug on the heartstrings.
Mom, Dad, family is about making memories.
Memories are your family's story.
Don't you want our family to have a great story? Waterpark! Waterpark! Waterpark! Waterpark! Waterpark! Waterpark! Everybody belted in and ready for lift-off? Yeah! Here we go! Hello! I'm not even in the car.
Oh! I thought that giant cooler behind me was you.
Should've known.
It was too happy.
You realize we're going on vacation, not moving? Why do you think I only have my shirt drawer? I'm hot! Can you strap me on the roof with the luggage? Uh, what's that I hear? It can't be complaining, 'cause you all signed a contract.
This is genius, and the best part is, for once, we get to pick what station to listen to.
Ooh! In outer Borgonia, there is what is shaping up to be a major tax crisis.
Whose foot is this? I think it's mine.
It fell asleep an hour ago, so I can't feel anything.
Tickle it! Nope, that's mine.
You all ready to have some fun? Yeah! Greetings, Harley! I'm Rachel.
She's Harley.
Hi! I'm Chester Torvalton, park manager, and it is my honor to welcome the Diaz family to Cannon Ball Cove! Or as we call it, Hawaii in New Hampshire.
Don't climb the palm trees.
They're actually cell phone towers in disguise.
Why would you disguise them? They're beautiful.
And congratulations on the Dry-Through, Harley! We're so excited, we're debuting the Dry-Through this weekend in time for the Aqualympics on Sunday! Honored am so I! I mean, I am so honored.
Sorry, I'm not thinking right.
Too many pool noodles to the head, I guess.
Colorful and confusing.
Well, listen, I'm sure you're all anxious to unload.
How about I show you to your room, and then you can all hit the park.
That would be great.
I know I speak for the family when I say we are looking forward to having some space! Here's your room! Sleep tight tonight.
In this room? That's a guarantee.
I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake.
I was told we had accommodations for the whole family.
Well, this room is for a whole family.
A normal-sized family.
Your family is normal plus five.
Nice! You think some of us are normal.
I would love to give you more space, but the hotel is completely sold out.
Oops! Time to get my steps in! Better get my Waiki-keester in gear.
Is this a joke? Like, one of those hidden camera things? Is my mascara okay? I'm pretty sure the elevator was bigger.
Me and Deathnee call the bed! Bed battle! I called it! Good! Chaos and complaining, and we've added a bonus C, cramped.
We should just pack up.
I'll call Ezekiel at Pilgrim Land.
Maybe he can fit us in.
No! I did not just spend four hours in a nine-person fart box to turn back now.
We are going to make some happy family memories no matter how miserable we are.
We could leave, but you always say we don't spend enough time together as a family.
There's no avoiding it here.
She's right.
What do you think? I think there's no way I want to pack that car twice in one day.
Let's get our swimsuits! All right, a few people wait in the hall so we can open these suitcases.
Not complaining is very stressful.
I've never done it before! I don't even know who I am right now.
Nine people, three trips Yeah, it seems about the right amount of stuff to bring to a waterpark for a day.
Should've had your father sign that no-complaining contract.
H2-whoas all around.
Everybody, let's put on sunscreen.
I'm pretty sure we're missing Daphne, but if you agree, I'm willing to wait until we hit a few rides to bring it up.
She's not missing.
Wow, Harles! Mom Tracker 2.
0 is now Daphne Tracker on the Go.
Mom! Mom! Dad! Dad! I just saw a lollypop so big you can sprain your tongue on it! It's a great deal.
Only 20 bucks.
At Pilgrim Land, no one begs for treats.
It's not a treat when you have to catch it and kill it yourself.
I'm sorry, do I hear complaining? It can't be.
Otherwise we never go on vacation again! Complaining? Who's complaining? We're happy, happy, happy to be here! Yeah, whoo! Diggity doo! Diggity doo? That's a thing.
So, I was thinking, first we'll all try the Dry-Through, then we'll go on the other rides Last one to the Doom Funnel's a diggity doo! Good thought.
Get wet, then try the Dry-Through.
My idea of vacation isn't playing waterpark sherpa to seven lazy kids.
The only thing lazy is the river on that part.
Time for you two to float the stress away.
Rachel and I will grab the stuff and find seats.
Wait, wait, what? - Are you sure you can handle all this? - No, we definitely cannot.
Don't waste any more time talking about this.
Go! Have fun.
Okay! Look at this! Ooh, okay.
Ooh, look at this place.
This is gonna be fun! Fun? I haven't had one post-worthy moment since we left the house.
What's the point of going on vacation if people can't see you on vacation? Unless you want everyone to think you lost Storage Wars, I suggest we move this into the park.
It's so awesome! What do you mean we can't ride it? Mm, sorry, not big enough.
Missed it by a tentacle.
I would like you to call your supervisor.
I am the supervisor, and you already called for me.
Oh, good, you're here! Can you guys vouch that we're bigger than we look? They have rules for a reason.
You're too small to ride.
But you're not too small to take a picture of me as I come down this bad boy.
We'll wave from the top.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, uhh! I think I just stepped on a bee.
A bee! Ooh.
Looks like someone got a Maui owie.
I'm sorry, but you cannot ride with a wound on your foot.
A wound? I stepped on a bee, not a chainsaw.
I'm fine.
Ah ah ah, rule number three: no open wounds.
I'm sorry, but you'll have to go to First Aid and get that bandaged.
They have rules for a reason.
Do you want me to take a picture of you at First Aid, or am I too small? Last gal standing.
Soon to be sliding! Look out, Doom Funnel! Yes! Okay.
I can't do this.
I'm not like you, Harley.
I'm not a workhorse.
I'm one of those little dogs that wears a tutu and rides around in Paris Hilton's purse.
We are almost there.
We just need to find nine chaise lounges and Hey! There's my Dry-Through! Weird.
No one's using it.
Yeah, real surprise.
On a hot day in a waterpark, a thing called "Dry" isn't a big attraction.
Great.
There's nowhere to sit.
Every lounge can't possibly be taken.
Uh, excuse me, young ladies, you may not understand waterpark etiquette.
A towel on a chaise means it is saved.
Sorry, you're out of luck.
Oh, hey! I've reached my exercise goal! Ope, nope.
"Naked toddler in the gift shop.
" Gotta run.
Maybe you were right.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
At least at Pilgrim Land everyone gets a hay bale to sit on.
I've had it with you kids! Whoever replaced the mayo with sunscreen, this is your fault; we're out of here.
I don't care if I've already paid for this cabana.
It's not the cabana's fault those kids were brats! Why should it go to waste? I feel bad for the poor losers out there in public lounges.
Well, Cabana Seven, can I get you anything else? Wait, this is part of the cabana? Yes.
With cabana rental, all services are yours for the day.
Get your smile ready! It's post time.
Can you hold that right around here? More sparkling pear soda? Keep it flowing, Malcolm.
This is the life.
We're like Kim and Kanye on vacation.
Let me guess.
You're Kim, I'm Kanye.
We can both be Kim.
Wow! The only Kardashian she ever let me be before was Rob.
Am I getting teary? I feel like I'm getting teary.
This is amazing.
I had no idea cheese came from so many different animals.
Yeah.
Before today, I thought "assorted cheese" meant stick, string, or spray.
I'm sure people will use it later.
It's a really cool invention.
Okay, now I'm definitely getting teary.
Do you have to poop? 'Cause you look weird.
And I'm back.
Let's get this party started.
Malcolm! Ahem! Hey! We haven't seen Malcolm in a little while.
Can you be a sweetheart and get us a few more of these? Also, get yourself one of these robes.
I can't believe they make you wear that shirt.
I'm not your waiter, and this is my shirt.
Oh, sorry, but don't feel bad.
She insults my outfit every day.
It's kind of my thing.
Ah, well, my thing is relaxing with my family in the cabana next door, so could you keep the noise down? Of course.
We didn't realize you could hear us.
Yes, who would think sound carries through a tent flap, hmm? Ahem.
What's Daphne up to? She's with Ethan, cheering him on at the ring toss.
Aw, precious.
You're wasting your cash, you loser! I'm not giving you lollypop money.
I need to spend it on the games.
I'm injured and can't swim.
Yeah, well, next time when someone's trying to remove a stinger from your foot, try not to kick and squeal like a little baby.
Okay.
First off, that needle was huge, and you're not gonna shame me into giving you money.
She's cute.
Bet she'll want to hear about your foot.
- No, Daphne! - Hey, girl! You want to hear a funny story about my brother's foot? And how I injured it from fighting off an escaped mountain lion? Oh, poor little sis had to see it all.
Here, take a five.
Go buy something to forget.
We got a winner! Hey, thanks.
Pretty good aim for a guy who's recently been mauled.
Here, you can have it.
Actually, that purple unicorn is really cute.
Think you can win it? I put a mountain lion into a full Nelson, then tied its tail into a knot.
I-I went too far.
- Little bit.
- Yeah, I felt it.
One unicorn, coming up! Whoo! Whoa, some line.
Quads are on fire.
Good thing I'm an athlete.
Whoa, that tunnel is much narrower than it looks from below.
Does anyone just bloop! get stuck in there? Because with this hair it'll be like whoo! Like a cork, you know? Okay.
Um, okay.
One two You know, nothing normally stops me.
And I'm not stopping, I'm just taking a break.
Restrategizing.
I'm, um drawing up a game plan.
Yeah.
Brain replaying the video.
Coming up with a Pardon me.
Just coming up with a game plan, you know? Ladies, still hearing you.
Oh, and you know what else carries? Your conversations.
So, before I go, I didn't hear where we landed.
Do you really think gel nail polish is worth the extra cost? Definitely, because then you only have to get it done once every two Yeah, I don't care.
Wow! I feel so at home.
We already alienated our neighbors.
Wanna hit the park? - Yeah! - Yeah.
I thought you were doing the Doom Funnel.
Totally! Just grabbing a water first, but, um, I'm stoked.
Can't spell "funnel" without "fun" and "ill.
" You're scared.
You know what I do when I'm scared? What? Buy a giant lollypop to share with my sister and her doll who's like a person.
Nice try, but I'm not here for a three-person lollypop.
I'm here to do the slide.
Hmm.
Eh.
We were not gonna share with her, anyway.
Seven bears, zero unicorns.
The park's closing.
Well, it was nice meeting you, Hannah.
A giant, sort-of creepy pink bear for the road? No, thanks.
But we could meet up tomorrow and try this again.
Unless another mountain lion escapes.
No, no.
They closed the hole in that fence.
It should be fine.
Yes! Okay, I'm really going this time.
I just I need to count myself down.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Ten, nine Wait, what's the rush? Okay.
A hundred, 99, 98 I did not come here to have age-appropriate fun.
Do you want to try something else? Yeah, the Doom Funnel.
Well, look at you two scallywags.
Try not to spend all that fun in one place.
Never thought I'd want to punch a guy who owns a waterpark.
He ruined our lives.
He's not gonna get away with this.
Beast, if we can't ride the Doom Funnel, then we're gonna do something even better funnel some doom.
Sorry, we've had a complaint from your cabana neighbor.
I must say this is a first, a noise complaint at a waterpark.
We're so sorry, Mr.
Torvalton.
This cabana is so much fun, it's hard not to be noisy.
Well, I'm delighted to hear you've had a good time.
Here's your bill.
Bill? What bill? $8? How do we owe eight? Eight hundred.
There's two zeros after that eight.
I thought they were smiley faces! They are.
Eight hundred smiley faces in my pocket.
There's obviously some mistake.
The waiter told us this was all paid for.
The cabana is paid for.
Everything else is ala carte.
Which means free? I don't speak French, just spitballing.
Quite the opposite, but since your parents aren't here to sign, I'll just charge it to your room and they'll settle up tomorrow at checkout.
Now I've reached my exercise goal! Hello, frozen banana.
35, 34, 33, 32, 31 $800 in smoothies and swag! If Mom and Dad find out, we'll never go on vacation again! Kids! Act normal.
Smile! Wave! You were right! We're having a great time.
Best vacay ever! We should do this every year! Great idea, Harley! Mwah! See you around! Act normal! Smile.
Wave.
You said it, Georgie.
I can't believe it! We owe $800.
$800! $800! Yeah, no, saying it different ways doesn't make it any less horrifying.
Ugh, I feel sick, and not just because I had four corn dogs, two turkey legs, and a deep-fried brownie.
If you throw that up, you owe me 50 bucks.
Maybe this is a nightmare.
Maybe we'll all wake up and everything will be okay.
Nightmares never take place anywhere this fun.
Or do they? Ouch.
Nope.
Kids make mistakes, Diaz kids more than most, but accidentally spending hundreds of dollars on cabana treats, that's off the charts, even for us.
Ethan's right.
This is a huge mistake, and not a good one, like when a cook in ancient China messed up dinner and invented fireworks, though ours will also result in an explosion from Mom and Dad.
Guys! Guys, I faced my fears.
I rode the Doom Funnel! And I am never doing it again.
It was the worst 12 seconds of my life, and my lucky bracelet got stuck near the top.
Aw, you guys! Look how upset you are! You know, I love the support, but don't worry.
The lucky bracelet's just a dumb superstition.
We blew 800 bucks on this cabana, and Mom and Dad don't know.
The bad luck's starting already.
I'm sorry I called you dumb, lucky bracelet! Hey, kids! Uh-oh.
Here comes Mom and Dad.
And it's getting worse.
Hang on, lucky bracelet, I'll come back for you! Stop talking to jewelry! We have to figure out how to fix this before they find out! Be cool.
This was the best day ever, with none of the four C's! No chaos, no complaining, no casualties and no cost.
Pssh, why would there be any of that? And it looks like we have a terrific new "C" Cabana! Is this part of the deal, too? It sure seems like it, doesn't it? Unreal.
I can't believe how great this is.
Why can't you believe it? It's totally believable! - Georgie! - I need my lucky bracelet.
- I can't live like this.
- Hello, I'm Malcolm.
Can I get you folks anything? I'd recommend the plain tap water.
Malcolm's a magician with the tap water.
- Yeah.
- Do you have shrimp cocktail? That sounds good.
Right.
You know what sounds really good? A, uh a half-eaten plate of cold nachos.
I know what you'll love! Our signature seafood tower.
Would you like to look at our list of specialty drinks? Ooh! Don't mind if I do.
Oh, he's going to mind that he did.
We have to figure out a way to pay this cabana bill, or we'll never go on vacation again.
What's stuck in my hair? My lollypop.
I put it on the room bill.
I figured we're already so far in the hole, what the heck! This giant bill would've never happened at Pilgrim Land.
Things there only cost a shilling! Okay, as bad as this is, today was still better than Pilgrim Land.
We didn't have to knit anything or learn anything, and all of our food was from this century.
But when Mom and Dad find out, we'll be on lockdown forever.
By the time we're out, the mall cop who tells my squad not to loiter won't even remember my name.
He'll be like, "Hey, pretty girl, eat your shawarma and move along.
" Like I'm a nobody! Shh! Yo, Ethan.
You can't possibly be asleep on that duffel bag full of shoes.
We could use some ideas.
Aren't you worried? I am.
About Hannah's post.
This guy here, boyfriend or cousin? Either way, she's out of your league.
Ideas? I blew all my savings on giant pink bears, so I'm not the guy to go to for smart money management.
Wait.
Maybe we can settle the tab by working here.
Great idea! Oh, wait.
Half of the family is under ten, and it's a four-hour commute! Beast and I know how to get the money.
Finally, someone with a plan.
I don't know if you noticed, but there is a giant pirate chest in the park.
No one's even guarding it.
Yeah! That's fake, dummies! Aw! There goes our plan to buy a ping-pong table and an island.
I'll figure out something else.
In the meantime, let's all get some rest, or whatever you call what we've got going on here.
- Good night.
- Good night, guys.
- Good night.
- Good night, guys.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
See you in the morning.
Remind me to never invent a sour-cream-and-onion pillow.
There's a pile of chips under Harley's head.
No one's even guarding it.
Oh! Finally, reason number 124 you should forgive our bill.
We're good kids who made a bad mistake, so for all of these reasons, plus the three pages that blew into the dunk tank, I hope you will not make us pay.
I like you, Harley.
I'm Team Harley.
Go, Harley! Go, Harley! But I'm also Team Stay in Business and Maybe Buy That Pop-Out Camper This Year.
I can't forgive a bill this large.
I understand you can't do it for everyone, but I'm not everyone.
Team Harley, remember? The one who made the great Dry-Through invention for your park? Oh, you mean the one that already got you free room and free entry into the park, and sadly no one is using? There, there.
A waterpark is no place for long faces.
Here.
Here's a token for the arcade.
You know what'll turn your day around? Winning a backscratcher! One unicorn coming up! Okay, here we go.
I got it.
- Winner! - Yes! 94th time's the charm! Oh, thanks.
Oh, hello! Here.
Come on.
Oh, man.
See that guy coming this way? He was in the cabana next to us yesterday.
Total jerk! That's my dad.
I'm not saying you have to forgive our bill, but I may or may not have seen a rat floating in the kiddie pool, and I have many, many followers who would be very upset to hear this.
Post away.
Last year, we had a barracuda in the Lazy River and attendance barely dipped.
Not sure how it got there.
I suspect my ex-wife who just came back from the Caribbean.
Point is, you can't keep people from fun.
Speaking of fun Subject spotted.
Copy that.
Excuse me, would you mind looking for an orange bracelet? I know I left it on my way On your way down, can you keep an eye out for an orange bracelet? I I You can do this, Georgie.
Face your fears, Georgie.
It's just a slide, right? I can't! I can't do it! Aah! Oh, have you ever seen our kids so happy? Never.
Mm! How cute! Daphne's chatting with Mr.
Torvalton.
Oh! She really is getting to be so grown up.
Daphne be so sad! Aw, come on.
I hate to see a little girl cry.
Me hate it, too.
Well, your siblings seem like nice kids.
This wasn't intentional, I suppose.
It was an honest mistake.
Yes.
They do bad boo-boo with bill.
Well, your sister did make that invention we installed.
It's not her fault no one's using it.
We're having a really good season, and our markup on those cabana items is really outrageous.
Don't quote me on that.
Okay, just this once, I'm going to do something I never do.
I'm going to forgive your bill! Hit it, Beast! Yeah! Welcome to our Doom Funnel! Who's too small now?! Just wanted to say thanks for forgiving our bill.
So cool of you.
Hashtag Chester rocks.
Hashtag the deal is off.
With the additional charges your parents racked up, your bill is now $922.
17.
It'll be on your tab at checkout.
I'm soaked! This was my Aqualympics outfit! Well, at least my Wrist Walker's still working.
I wonder if I get extra points for stomping angrily! Maybe consider a nice stomp through the Dry-Through! There's no line! That's it! We're out of options.
We'll never pay this cabana bill.
- Hey! - Hi.
We have to tell Mom and Dad the truth.
We do.
We both know I mean you.
Yeah, got that.
Ethan, this is my dad, Simon Pillman, but you already know him, right? No! I was thinking of someone else, different guy.
You were in the cabana next to ours yesterday.
We have quieter neighbors today a flock of wild parrots having a drum circle.
Hannah, I came to tell you lunch is ready.
Be right there.
Great.
Your dad hates me.
Don't feel special.
My dad hates most people.
Really? Awesome! I've never been so happy I'm not special! Not to him We can still stay in touch.
Dad doesn't need to know everyone that I text.
Nice! Like forbidden love.
This is a waterpark, not Twilight.
You are ridiculously lame.
I'm lame? Only one of us is holding a purple unicorn.
Got my bracelet! Oh, no.
That can happen? Will you hold this for me? Thanks! Mom! Dad! I'm about to tell you something you're not going to like.
Could you cut to the chase? There's a rowdy Scout troop on our tails.
Let me just start off by saying I love you both very much and Family Aqualympics today? Winner gets $1,000 in Splash Bucks? We're doing the Aqualympics! You're kidding.
The Diaz family wants to compete in the Aqualympics? Yes.
We're going to win first place, $1,000 in Splash Bucks! Well, not to drench your enthusiasm, much like you drenched my game-day suit, but ha! The returning champs are competing.
They've won five years in a row.
They're unbeatable.
The Pillmans.
You know when you're eating popcorn at the movies, all happy, and then a kernel gets stuck in your tooth? The Pillmans are my kernel! The Pillmans are about to get a serious flossing.
Okay, it's going to be a challenge, but Team Diaz has what it takes.
One, two, three, four.
We're going up against them? Thirty-nine, 40.
Don't worry.
We can do it.
Yeah, totally.
Second place, here we come.
Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Guys, stop staring! You're letting them psych you out.
Because they're bigger.
- And faster.
- And stronger.
Is that a family or a machine? Just FYI, I have a prior relationship with one of the Pillmans, so I may not be able to compete with my whole heart.
If you throw this, I will chase you down and beat you with your whole heart.
And with that bum foot, you know I'll catch you.
I do.
Never mind.
If anyone can take down the Pillman dynasty, it's us! We have nine people with all different skills, and we've been training for this our whole lives! Water jousting.
Beast and Lewie.
That's your specialty.
Inner tube ring toss.
That's you, lover boy.
You're going to be tossing them on Daphne, 'cause she's always in the middle of everything.
Next up, we have roller ball derby.
That's me and Rachel.
Yeah, you didn't see this before.
Stiff-arming girls and grannies to get a cabana was maybe not our finest moment.
Mom, Dad, you're going to be a part of the family tug-of-war.
We can handle that.
Totally! We pull seven kids out of bed every school day.
And, last but not least, the Doom Funnel waterslide race.
Who's doing that? My lucky bracelet! I had to do that awful slide nine times.
Thank goodness I'll never have to do it again.
What? It's not going to be easy, but the Diaz kids have one thing the Pillmans don't complete desperation! $800 in smoothies and swag! If Mom and Dad find out, we'll never go on vacation again! Losing is not an option.
Welcome, one and all, to the tenth annual Aqualympics! This isn't the suit I planned to wear.
There was an incident.
I prefer not to get into it.
Anyway, today our families will be competing in seven exciting events.
The family with the most points at the end will win $1,000 in Splash Bucks and the title of Aqualympics Champions! You got this.
You got this.
The Diaz girls are out in front, amazing! That's it, girls.
That's it, girls.
Yes! Yes! Here we go! I did it! How did I do? Super slider Georgie Diaz ties Paul Pillman for the fastest time of the day! Oh, come on! The Diaz family seems unstoppable today.
- Or maybe not! - Whoa! Harley Diaz, for some reason, seems to have stopped her ball! What happened? What just happ What? Just short of the finish line! That's a tough loss to swallow for the Diaz family.
You cheated! We would've won, but you cheated! That's what losers always say! A solid performance by the Diaz clan, and Blackbeard's coin dive has bumped them up to second place! And now our top two families move into the final event, the tug of war! It's the Diazes versus the Pillmans.
- Arm strength! - Now, get ready, folks.
This is a whole-family event worth ten points.
We can still win this! Nine of us against five of them! Finally! Being bigger than a normal family will work to our advantage! Yeah, not really.
We've beaten big families before, and, frankly, your three little ones barely add up to one person.
No, he didn't! We missed our Doom Funnel height by one tentacle! Mr.
Cheater Family's right.
Strength-wise, there's no way we can win.
Should've made an invention that could pull a rope instead of that dumb Dry-Through nobody wants to use.
Hang on.
Oh, wait.
Little detour.
Follow me, quick! The key to winning tug of war is having good grip, and the key to having a good grip is being dry.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the exciting conclusion of the tenth annual Aqualympics, the tug of war! Hey! They changed into dry clothes! - They're cheating! - That's what losers always say.
We didn't change.
We used my invention, the Dry-Through.
The Dry-Through? Is that that weird green thing by the cabanas? I thought that was just bad art! Okay, settle down, people.
The first team to pull the blue mark on the rope across your own team's line will be our new Aqualympics champions! Ready set Come on, people! Pull like a Pillman! Come on, family! Come on! Pull! Come on! Watch your feet! Stop slipping, come on! Come on, pull! No! What? Talk about an upset! Our tenth annual Aqualympics champions are the Diaz family! What? Diaz how we do it! Hey! Thanks for pushing out of our comfort zone.
This is the greatest vacation ever! Yay! Oh, and we made a thousand bucks! Yeah, not quite a thousand.
Long story.
Why ruin the moment? Look! For something that blasts hot air, it's pretty cool.
Yeah, it's fine.
Whatev.
You're right, it's awesome.
Oh, sorry.
It's cool.
I'm not.
Hey, uh, remember in that movie when Katniss and Peeta were fighting for their lives and This doesn't work, but we already established I'm adorably lame! So lame.
I guess all's fair in love and ring toss! Very funny, you little pranksters.
Ye olde candy bar in the pool trick.
I have no idea what that is.
Me either.
We would never waste a candy bar on the pool.
Yeah.
Uh! Ahh! I had that in my pocket! Ugh, there goes another suit! Not gonna lie.
Family vacations aren't easy, especially with seven kids, but it's worth it, because at the end of the day, memories are what make your family your family for better or worse.