Sullivan and Son (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

- Yeah! - Greatest sport in the world.
- America's pastime.
Ah! America's pastime? That double play was Chavez to guerrero to Gonzalez It's Mexico's pastime! I'm so glad I'm not a lawyer anymore.
A year ago, I didn't have time to watch an inning of baseball.
Now I can watch, I can drink, I can take my friend's money.
Great job or what? My job's great, too.
Driving an ambulance never gets dull.
Always keeps you guessing.
See this stain right here? I have no idea what bodily fluid that is.
And my job is Oh, crap, my job! Don't worry, buddy.
I called in sick for you.
Thanks, Owen.
That's my job.
da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Here comes the pitch.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! That's a balk! The run scores! The pirates win! Yeah yeah, we won.
The balk.
Yeah, praise God.
The balk.
Roy, it took you a second to realize we won the game.
Do you know what a balk is? Yeah, of course.
It's sports.
I'm a man.
It's kind of an obscure rule.
It's okay if you don't know what it is.
I know everything there is to know about baseball.
You can quiz me on anything.
Okay, what's a balk? I don't think I like your tone.
Steve, I need a favor.
Sure.
What's up? I need you to hang out with my husband.
How about I give you I'll paint your house, and give you a kidney instead? Come on, Steve.
He's not that bad.
Yes, he is.
He's an uptight pain in the ass and a complete downer.
You guys talking about Jason? - See? - Dad! Honey, I love him, but he sucks the joy out of all human existence.
He's just a typical Korean overachieving doctor.
All he does is work.
He's stressed out all the time.
And it's making things tense at home and really affecting our marriage.
- What do you want me to do? - Let him hang out here.
- Show him how to relax.
- He hates this place.
He's not coming down here.
Oh, he's coming.
I told him you have a suspicious lump in your groin.
So the plan is I just casually teach him how to relax while he's rolling my balls between his thumb and forefinger? Thank you, Steve.
Oh, great.
Jason's coming.
The guy's always telling me how many years I have left to live.
Last Thanksgiving, I was down to an iffy 10.
Hey, according to him, I should have been dead three years ago, and yet here I am, the picture of life, enjoying this delicious pizza with bacon fried right into the crust.
And you know what else Just give me a minute to catch my breath.
Hey, Jason, good to see you.
I don't think you and I have hung out - since I've been back.
- Yeah, I'm a busy doctor.
Just take your pants down.
Actually, I don't need you to touch my groin.
That's gonna be the high point of my day, too.
Just drop 'em.
No, the, uh The lump's gone.
I pounded it out.
That didn't sound right.
Jason? Jason! Jason, so good to see you! My favorite son.
In-law.
No, you used to be "in law," but then you quit.
- Give me a hug.
- Okay.
Yeah, just keep cutting the lemons, baby, that's your whole thing now.
So what brings you to the bar? I'm just here to feel Steve's groin.
Take a number.
You have a mole on your left cheek.
It's asymmetric, its borders are irregular.
Could be squamous.
You should probably get that checked out.
Oh, honey, I got the same thing on my inner thigh.
I have a tingling.
It's 'cause you're fat.
Wait.
You didn't let me finish.
It travels from my back here The answer to everything you're about to say It's 'cause you're fat.
Hey, this is beer weight.
It's not a health thing.
Look, Steve, if you're telling me your testicles are not engorged and sag to the touch, I'll take your word for it and be on my way.
Hey, wait, wait.
Jason, Jason, listen.
Don't go.
Susan came by to see me today.
She's concerned about you.
She thinks I work too much.
Well, I have a lot of patients.
That's how you know I'm good at what I do.
I think she just wants you to de-stress.
Take a break.
Look, why don't you sit down, have a beer? Because I'm busy.
I have patients in the morning.
Come on.
It'll make your wife happy.
Okay.
Well, that was fun.
Super relaxing.
See ya.
Come on, come on.
Don't go.
I know you're the doctor here, but why don't you try some of my medicine, okay? Now turn off your brain Drink this.
Watch that.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! Sure, he can hit the ball hard, but that extra weight is putting too much pressure on his heart.
He'll be dead in three years.
Great.
I'm really glad we signed him for 10.
See that weird way the manager's running to the mound? Anal fissures.
Hey, doc, what are anal fissures? What? It's interesting.
Exactly what it sounds like They're tiny, painful tears in your b-hole.
Hey, doc.
Enough with the medical jargon.
Give it to me in layman's terms.
I can do better than that.
- Here's a picture.
- Oh, my - Aah! - Aah! - Aah! Why can't I stop looking at it? Tell us something else gross you had to do.
Well, I once had to reattach a guy's penis.
It was microsurgery.
Did I just make a joke? I believe you did.
Oh, wow.
I guess this beer is really going to my head.
I think I should eat something.
- Here.
You want a slice? - Oh, no, no.
I can't touch that greasy triangle.
It's got bacon fried right into the crust! One bite's not gonna kill you.
Mmm! Oh, my.
That is genius.
Now take a sip of beer.
All right.
Holy crap! Pizza and beer?! That's a great combination! Does everybody know about this? The only downside is it'll make you fat.
Don't bum my yum! So this play, it's a balk, because the pitcher's foot left the rubber too late.
Look at you! And now you get your beer.
Ahh.
Tastes better when you earn it.
I don't know why you didn't just ask in the first place.
I'm a guy.
You're just supposed to know.
Well, I know sports.
How do you explain that? Well, some of us think you might have a penis.
I got to be honest with you, Steve.
When you quit being a lawyer, I totally agreed with your mom.
I thought you were throwing your life away.
I thought you were a loser.
But now I see you behind the bar, and you know what? I kind of get it.
What do you mean? Do what you love and give up the high-powered career.
You really nailed it.
Oh, man, mom's got to hear this.
Mom! I'm tired of working hard and pushing myself and always maximizing my potential.
If I had any balls at all, I would Slow down.
Slow down.
Mom's not here.
Mom! You know what? I'm gonna quit my job.
- What? - What?! What did you do? Nothing.
Then he must be on drugs.
Who gave my son-in-law drugs? I might have.
Let's go, pens! - Let's go, pens! - Let's go, pens! Wait, uh, what What happened? They called offsides! He wasn't offsides! Oh, yeah, right.
I-I saw that.
Bad call.
Ahmed.
Do you know what offsides is? Yeah, of course.
Really? Melanie, it's sports.
I'm a man.
I know sports.
Okay.
Welcome to the first Sullivan & Son confused fans support group.
Hi.
My name is Owen, and I'm sports-challenged.
Hi, Owen.
This is not easy for me to admit But I don't know what a cover 2 defense is.
- You don't? - Hank This is a safety zone.
Which is exactly what a cover 2 defense is! All right, in this case, you're right.
That's exactly what it is.
Oh, that feels so good to get off my chest.
Well, thank you, Owen.
Approval and support! All right, Hank.
Earlier you mentioned tennis.
Is there something you'd like to ask? Yeah.
Why are all the female tennis players lesbos? I mean, it doesn't bother me.
In fact, it kind of helps me sleep, when I think about it.
Is Ok Cha Sullivan here? Hello.
It's Jason's boss.
Let me take you to the one who has strayed.
Jason? Hey, Calvin! Hey, it's Calvin, man! Jason, you have patients.
You have responsibilities.
You have a career.
I also have a pretzel filled with peanut butter.
You of all people should know how unhealthy American snack foods are.
You want to see something really unhealthy? This is what they call an Irish car bomb.
Sayonarsuckers.
Guys We got a newbie.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Oh, Steve.
You don't know what you've done.
You have single-handedly destroyed the Asian advantage.
Mom, I think the Asian advantage is safe.
It's just two guys in a bar, blowing off steam.
We're never gonna die! We're never gonna die! We're never gonna die! You hear that, Steve? That's the sound of a million Asian mothers slitting their wrists.
You know, mom, slitting your wrist doesn't actually make any noise.
It does the way we do it.
We're never gonna die! Jason, Jason I'm glad you're having fun and all, but, uh, who's running the hospital? Oh, don't worry, three Jewish doctors are holding down the fort.
Just don't get sick on rosh hashanah.
I can't believe what's happened to my husband.
I just wanted him to relax a little.
That was your first mistake.
Well, not your first mistake.
But your most recent mistake.
Well, actually, your most recent mistake is those pants you're wearing.
You look like a slutty clown.
Whoa! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Listen to me.
Playtime is over.
Go back to work.
If you do not go back to work, American society will fall apart.
Our people do all the important work.
The rest just eat double stuffed oreos and watch "honey boo boo.
" They should light that kid's mother on fire.
We deliver the babies.
We do the lasiks.
We check the colons.
We are the chosen people.
Don't tell that to the three Jews back at the hospital.
I've heard that speech my whole life.
I'm done.
Yeah, why should we listen to you? Yeah! Because I am a Korean mother! Like all your mothers, I sacrificed my whole life for you.
Who sat through all your piano lessons? Who changed your diapers while you were learning the violin? Who worked two jobs and danced in a cage on the weekends to send you to private school? I'm talking about your mother, Edwin.
She worked hard for the money.
You could have tried loving us.
That was love.
Maybe it wasn't perfect.
Maybe it wasn't American.
But it was ours.
And we gave it to you.
Ok cha's right.
We need to acknowledge the sacrifice our mothers made for us.
A round of shots For Edwin's mom who shook her booty for his future! Guys, I'm really proud of you.
You've made great progress.
Melanie, how do you know so much about sports? Ah, you know, my dad was a big sports gambler.
I was his only daughter.
This was the way we connected.
- That's sweet.
- Well, it has its drawbacks.
I mean, I missed out on some of the girly things.
Like, this is embarrassing No, I can't say it.
Come on, this is a safe place.
Tell us.
Okay.
I can't name all the characters on "Sex and the City.
" I know one's Carrie, but there's a slutty one? Samantha! Holy crap, she's a cultural touchstone! And Charlotte and Miranda.
I never got into the show.
She does have a penis.
Hey, Jason.
What up, bro? And I'm calling you "bro," because I feel like, for the first time, you really are my brother.
Can we do the thing where our fists touch, and then we wave bye-bye? So awesome.
Where is everybody? Well, it's 10:00 in the morning.
You've got to be a pretty hard-core drinker to show up at a bar this early.
Morning, all! Sorry I'm late.
Steve! Steve! Do something.
He's got to go back to his job.
Dad, he's a grown man.
He's got to do what he's got to do.
What he's got to do is support his family, or he's going to be a grown man living with his grown wife and their growing children in our house.
It'll be like a freakin' refugee camp.
Dad, I'm sure he's got bigger plans than hanging out here all day.
I'm not so sure about that.
So, Jason, have you given any thought on your next move? As a matter of fact, I have.
Check this out.
This is a family business.
I'm in the family.
Let me pitch it to you.
"Sullivan & Son & Son-in-law.
" You want to work here? Yeah, why not? It's the perfect job.
I get to hang out with my buds, it's super easy, and it's a party every night.
Hey, can I work here? "Sullivan & Son & Son-in-law & Hank.
" You know, Jason, I think that's a great idea.
Hey, can I get a beer? I've got to be at work soon.
Your first customer.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Steve, what are you doing? - I'm giving Jason a job.
- Why? Because he thinks it's easy.
Ahh.
You did that so well.
I don't know why I thought I could do it.
I love this.
There's no pressure, you don't have to think, you're your own boss, and the best thing is, you never have to leave this magical, soul-nourishing place.
Where's my beer? Yeah, what's going on back there? Come on, I'm thirsty! You doing okay? I'm fine, Steve.
You got a lot of drink orders backing up.
Steve, I can do this.
I've removed livers.
Still waiting on my beer.
Need more nuts over here.
Got to keep things moving.
What's going on with my Martini? I've been waiting like 10 minutes.
Try waiting in an E.
R.
Hey, hey.
You can't talk to customers like that.
This job is crazy.
You can't yell at people, you can't make them wait, the customer's always right.
This is not how we do it in the medical profession.
Well, it is how we do it in the bartending profession.
Okay.
I get it.
I get it.
Okay, just give me a second.
I got a system.
I know how to do this.
Okay, hold on.
You must work harder, smarter, and faster than every other person.
Don't let me down! I won't, mom! You better not! I won't! I'm good to go.
Actually, I think you're done.
- Dad, you want to step in? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - I'm firing you.
I'm fired? I failed at bartending? Yeah, you got an "F" in bartending.
So this is what it feels like to get an "F"? You know, it's not that bad.
Well, it's fun the first time, but It gets old.
I guess that's why I push myself so hard.
I've been afraid of failure.
Well, now you don't have to be afraid, because you've just done it.
Hey, you know, you've been saying that I'm gonna be dead in a couple of years on account of my diet, but what really kills you is stress.
When I go to work, you know what I say to myself? "Nothing here matters.
" - What do you again? - I'm an air-traffic controller.
Jason, I used to be just like you.
It was all about my career, But there was nothing left over.
I had to find balance in my life.
Oh, so, like, 105% at work? Oh, honey.
Lower.
At the DMV, where I work, I barely give them half of that.
At my interview, I told them straight-up I'd give them 45%, and they put me right into management.
Maybe if I figure out how to dial it back at work, I wouldn't hate being a doctor.
It is the perfect job for me.
I do like to play God and yell at people.
Just remember to enjoy the simple things in life.
A perfect Martini after a busy day, conversation with good friends, aggressive sex with a salesman at Nordstrom's you were convinced was gay.
There's some good advice in there.
The point is, make sure to have a life.
Have a beer here.
Watch tv with your kids.
You know, take your wife to see a movie.
The most important job you've got is husband and father.
Don't fail at that one.
I won't.
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna balance my life.
And then in a couple months, I'll drop in for a beer, and see you all again.
Well, probably not you.
Melanie, we all chipped in to give you something to thank you for helping us.
Oh, you guys, it's the "Sex and the City" complete DVD set.
I'm touched.
Well, we're here.
Anyone feel like sharing? Uh, yeah.
Um Hi, I'm Hank and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.
Oh, Hank That's another group.
Oh.
Well, in that case, could you top me off? Hey! Oh, look! There they are! And my doctor son-in-law.
I am so glad you are going back to work.
Yeah, but first, we're going to Disneyland.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Thanks, Steve.
For everything.
Yeah, things are really great with us now.
Hey, listen, we've all got Korean moms.
But you know what we did? We broke the cycle.
Now, our kids don't have to go through what we did.
Keep playing.
- Eight times five? - 40 - Eight times six? - 48 - Eight times seven? - 56