TallBoyz (2019) s02e01 Episode Script
You're The Dads Now!
1
DEALER 1: 100%.
Pure Colombian.
DEALER 2: We'll be the judge of that.
♪ ♪ ♪ DEALER 3: Mmm.
It's legit.
DEALER 2: Give Papa a taste.
[SNORTS LOUDLY.]
Ugh oh! Whoo! [COUGHS.]
DEALER 2: All right.
$10,000, cash.
It's all there.
VOICE: Freeze! DEALER 1: Fu Shit! BICYCLE COP: I've been on your tail for weeks, and now I've finally got you.
You're all under arrest! DEALER 1: Shit.
BICYCLE COP: For breaking social distancing guidelines! DEALER 1: What? We're outside! BICYCLE COP: Doesn't matter.
You're still way too close to each other! There's a safe way to do a drug deal.
Why don't you use the designated drug deal area we've created? - DEALER 3: What? - DEALER 1: Huh? DEALER 1: Oh, that's entrapment.
BICYCLE COP: And you were sharing the same coke knife.
Blech! DEALER 2: We're in the same bubble! BICYCLE COP: Yeah, I've heard that before.
That's an $800 fine for each of you.
No, stay in your [INAUDIBLE.]
area! Ahh, stay! I'm just gonna leave this here.
This is to shame you on social media! [PHONE CAMERA CLICKING.]
BICYCLE COP: Shame! [RINGS BICYCLE BELL.]
DEALER 1: He's right.
It's pretty irresponsible of us.
- DEALER 3: Yeah, I feel bad.
- DEALER 2: You feel bad? I mean, I still live with my grandma.
- DEALER 3: That's just selfish! - DEALER 1: That's wrong.
♪ TY: Wow, I can't believe they haven't changed my room.
It's like they still think I'm a little kid.
ROGER: [FROM DOWNSTAIRS.]
We're making momos, your favourite! TY: [YELLING.]
O-kay! Man If only we could be children forever, just like Patel Pan.
Wait a second ROGER: Hey, you ready for dinner or what? TY: Why does it say "Peter" underneath the name "Patel"? ROGER: Uh that is strange.
Uh, I gotta help your Pops with the food.
What's that, the food? TY: Is his name supposed to be "Peter"? Huh.
Hah classic! Good old Jiang and Jill.
[RHYTHMICALLY.]
"Jiang and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their cultures" Wait a minute.
Is their hair coloured in? Are they supposed to be white? [SINISTER MUSIC.]
TY: Dad, Pops, did someone colour in my books? POPS: It's time to tell him the truth, Roger.
TY: Tell me what? ROGER: Okay, fine.
Ty, there's There's no easy way to say this.
Since you were a baby, I've been altering your books to be more inclusive.
TY: What? ROGER: I just wanted you to have a healthy childhood.
TY: What?! Is every book altered? Raja Hood? Shamika's Web? Consent Dracula? Oh my God! What about Jabari and the Giant Papaya? That's not a book modification, is it? ROGER: Well, well, that book that book is POPS: You tell him the truth, Roger! TY: Oh my God, his name is James? Why'd you make it a papaya? ROGER: I wanted you to be open to trying to new foods! TY: Oh my God! In the sixth grade, Sam insisted it was "Harry Potter.
" But no! No, I told him it was "Hanif Popoola"! POPS: But that book is still transphobic.
You need to give that back.
TY: All of my friends grew up without a positive self-image because they didn't see themselves reflected in the books they read.
And I'll never know what that's like because of you! ROGER: I was just trying to protect you.
TY: Then why didn't you just buy books made by people of colour? ROGER: You don't think I tried? You ever go into Chapters pre-2016? The closest I got was a catalogue about the Nagano Olympics! POPS: It's all Guinness Book of Records! TY: My whole life has been a lie.
This is just like that movie, The Tuwong Show.
ROGER: It's The Truman Show.
TY: You edited movies, too?! ROGER: We didn't just edit movies.
We shot and produced over a hundred pictures! [MUSIC FROM CASABLANCA.]
RICK BLAINE: The problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
One day you'll understand that.
Now, now.
Here's looking at you, kid, through a non-colonial lens.
ILSA LUND: That sounds like racial harmony.
RICK BLAINE: That it does.
[MUSIC FROM CASABLANCA.]
TY: Pretty good, but I think the title, "Casanegra," is a little on the nose.
♪ ♪ VANCE: Hi, I'm Vance, and I'm from Alberta.
I don't want to burn this flag.
I just want your attention.
You see, I've been hearing a lot of hum-rumbling about Alberta wanting to leave Canada, and I know there are a lot of politics involved.
But I'm not interested in the politics, as you can tell by me completely ignoring the politics involved in burning this flag.
Alberta, if you leave, we'd be losing more than just your plaid-clad hipsters and your plaid-clad people who don't like hipsters.
We'd be losing a part of ourselves.
Whoa-oh ♪ Oh, Alberta ♪ I heard you're separatin'.
♪ And I'm so sorry for relocatin' ♪ ♪ I left Alberta to succeed ♪ ♪ But in my heart I'd never secede ♪ ♪ But now, baby, it's you who I miss.
♪ ♪ And my friend, Nate, ♪ and my four good buds named Chris.
♪ Oh! ♪ 'Berta, I love you more than you love oil.
♪ 'Berta, it's cold, but you work and you toil.
♪ ♪ Your Northern Lights are energizin'.
♪ How many muffler shops you have is quite surprisin'! ♪ ♪ Over 20,000.
♪ ♪ Two professional sports teams ♪ The Flames for you and Oilers for me.
♪ And also two teams in the Canadian Football League.
♪ Oh! ♪ 'Berta, I know it's no idle threat.
♪ But if you leave, I'd have regrets.
♪ So maybe you shouldn't take a stand, ♪ and be on your own like Saskatchewan.
♪ ♪ 'Berta, if you leave and call it quits, ♪ for me, baby, it would be the shits.
♪ ♪ So 'Berta, give'r and get greasy with me! ♪ - GULED: Vance! Vance! - VANCE: Huh? Oh.
GULED: Don't burn that weird piece of fabric with a lot going on on it visually.
VANCE: Uh, yeah, it's the Alberta flag.
- GULED: Oh! - VANCE: I was just holding it hostage so Alberta would listen to my love song.
And isn't that the most Alberta thing someone can do? - VANCE: Oh my God! - GULED: Whoa, what the ?! What's that made of? VANCE: It was coated in oil.
GULED: Oh.
VOICE OVER: Alberta.
Coating things in oil since 1973.
[LAUGHTER.]
CLAIRE: Oh, I'm really starting to get used to these things.
BOB: You know, I had my doubts about letting everyone work from home after COVID, but you've all been more productive than ever.
TIM: Yeah, I am way more awake now that I don't have to drive in from Barrie.
JARED: But then you still have to live in Barrie! [LAUGHTER.]
- DUNCAN: He's got you there.
- TIM: It's not that funny.
BOB: Seriously, I'm glad you're all so professional.
CLAIRE: Hey, thanks for saying that, Bob.
BOB: So, you believe you're all professional? JASMINE: Uh, yep! We're professional, Bob.
BOB: Yeah.
So let's have a standing ovation for being professional.
Everyone, stand up! JASMINE: Why would we do that? BOB: Because part of being professional is dressing for the job.
And I suspect some of you aren't wearing any pants.
DUNCAN: I mean, Bob, isn't the important thing that our numbers are drastically improving every day? BOB: It's not about the numbers, Duncan! Now, you can either show me the bottom half of what you're wearing, or you can video your way into the unemployment line.
JARED: I'm not showing you my pants.
JASMINE: Don't be a hero, Jared.
You have a family! JARED: I'm not gonna show you my pants because I'm not wearing any! - [SOUND OF GASPS.]
- CLAIRE: Oh! BOB: I knew you were pantless, Jerry, based on how comfortable you were to quip on Ontario's finest city, Barrie.
JARED: We deserve humanity and security, and if we don't get that well, then you can do your worst.
BOB: Well, Jared, I'm afraid you're fi JASMINE: I'm not wearing pants either! - TIM: Neither am I! - CLAIRE: Neither am I! DUNCAN: I'm also not wearing pants.
But I am wearing cowboy boots for some reason.
They make me feel safe in these troubled times.
JARED: For years, we put up with your rules.
JASMINE: We're not gonna take it anymore, Bob! - JARED: Mm-hm! - TIM: Yeah, we're walking! BOB: You're not going anywhere! You got no place to go! DUNCAN: Oh yeah? CLAIRE: [LAUGHS.]
You don't know me! BOB: Okay, wait, wait! Please stay.
DUNCAN: Hmm? BOB: I'm nothing without my workers.
JARED: We may stay, but we've got some demands.
TIM: Yeah! Lose the pants! - JASMINE: Do it.
- CLAIRE: Do it! DUNCAN: Take off the pants! BOB: You've all done it, so it should be equally as easy for me.
JASMINE: Come on, Bobby! BOB: Those pants are comin' off! JARED: Oh my God, what the ?! Warn people! Jesus Christ, how do I close this? CLAIRE: Well, I've been in quarantine.
I've seen worse! ♪ CROWD: [CHANTING.]
Butcher, Butcher! BUTCHER C: Keep this warm for me.
CROWD: Butcher, Butcher, Butcher, Butcher! BUTCHER C: Let's do this.
[APPLAUSE.]
BUTCHER C: Butcher C! Butcher's back, baby.
WOMAN: All right! Yeah! BUTCHER C: Winnipeg, y'all ready? - CROWD: Yeah! - MAN: Come on, Butcher! BUTCHER C: Look at me, I'm Butcher C.
♪ I've been on the block.
♪ They call me "Mississauga" because I stay hot.
♪ When I say Butcher, y'all say C.
♪ Butcher! ♪ - CROWD: C! ♪ - BUTCHER C: Butcher! ♪ - CROWD: C! ♪ BUTCHER C: Every song I drop, get paid six figgas.
♪ Do not hang with broke boys, only with my niggas.
♪ I ride with my niggas.
♪ I die with my niggas.
Baked up high with my niggas.
♪ Even cry with my niggas.
♪ When I say big, y'all say bigga.
♪ - Big! ♪ - CROWD: Bigga! ♪ - BUTCHER C: Big! ♪ - CROWD: Bigga! ♪ BUTCHER C: When I say nig, y'all say nigga.
♪ - Nig! ♪ - MAN: [OFFSCREEN.]
Nigga! ♪ - BUTCHER C: Nig! ♪ - MAN: [OFFSCREEN.]
Nigga! ♪ BUTCHER C: Who said that? All right, cut the music! - Cut the music! - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Who said that? [CROWD WHISPERING.]
MAN: Nigga.
BUTCHER C: Nigga? MAN: Nigga? BUTCHER C: [CALLING.]
Nig-ga! MAN: [CALLING BACK.]
Nig-ga! BUTCHER C: [CALLING.]
Nig-ga! MAN: [SINGING.]
Nig-ga, nig-ga! BUTCHER C: [BARBER OF SEVILLE.]
Ni-garo, Ni-garo! MAN: [BARBER OF SEVILLE.]
Ni-garo, Ni-garo, Ni-garo! Ni-garo! - BUTCHER C: Nig! - MAN: Ga! - BUTCHER C: Nig! - MAN: Ga! BUTCHER C: [SINGS BASS LINE OF HEART AND SOUL.]
Nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga, nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga MAN: [SINGS MELODY OF HEART OF SOUL.]
Nig-nig-ga, ga-nigga-nigga-nig, ga-ga-ga! Ga-nigga-nigga-nig-ga BUTCHER C: [O CANADA.]
Nig, nig, nigga TOGETHER: [O CANADA.]
Nigga, nigga, nigga BUTCHER C: If you're black and you know it, ♪ - say "Nigga.
" ♪ - MAN: Nigga! ♪ BUTCHER C: Nigga! Nigga, get up here.
Winnipeg, make some noise for my nigga! [APPLAUSE & CHEERING.]
BUTCHER C: [WHISPERING.]
This is the only way I can find my black fans nowadays.
- MAN: I understand, nigga.
- [MUSIC RESUMES.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
WOMAN: Yeah, other guy! BUTCHER C: Yeah, I found my nigga! SINGER: I'm from the West End.
♪ I'm from the West End.
♪ GULED: Man, this guy sucks.
He can't dribble.
He can't pass.
He can't do anything! VANCE: That's the ref.
GULED: My point still stands.
FRANCO: Hey, guys! - GULED: Hey! - VANCE: Oh! TIM: Hey, Philbert! GULED: Look at his little hat! - FRANCO: Yeah, isn't he cute? - TIM: Oh, he's so cute! FRANCO: Which one of you guys wants to hold him? GULED: Uh, yeah, yeah, for sure.
In a little bit.
VANCE: Yeah, in a bit.
TIM: Uh, yeah, the game just started, so FRANCO: Huh.
[WHISTLE BLOWS ON TV.]
ANNOUNCER ON TV: And the Raptors call a time out.
[PHILBERT COOING.]
FRANCO: All right, who wants to hold the baby while I grab a beer? TIM: Oh! I can get you a beer.
FRANCO: Oh Uh, I'll grab the beer.
You can hold Philbert.
Come on, he's cute! TIM: Oh, I, uh You know what? It was arm day at the gym today, so I'm just feeling really weak.
FRANCO: He's 14 pounds.
TIM: I only bench 10.
FRANCO: Well, what about you, Will? - Do you want to hold my baby? - GULED: Pssh I don't know how.
FRANCO: I could show you.
GULED: I'm a slow learner! FRANCO: You're a teacher.
GULED: I go to school to teach, not learn.
VANCE: Personally, I'd love to hold Philbert.
I'm just superstitious that if I hold a baby, some day I'll have a baby.
FRANCO: One of you's wants to hold my baby right? TIM: Game's back on.
VANCE: Oh! Yeah.
[SOUND OF GAME ON TV.]
FRANCO: People travel thousands of miles to hold this baby.
Now You will too! That's it, one of you's is gonna hold my baby! VANCE: Whoa FRANCO: Or I'm gonna make you hold my baby.
TIM: Well, how are you gonna make us do that? FRANCO: I'm gonna throw my firstborn son in the air and one of you is gonna catch him.
- GULED: Whoa! - VANCE: Hey! GULED: You've got whoa, whoa, whoa! VANCE: You're crazy, man! FRANCO: [YELLING.]
Yeah, I'm crazy! I haven't slept in 12 days! I'll do it right now! I'll do it myself, bro! - TIM: Whoa! - VANCE: Okay! FRANCO: Three Two TIM: He's he's bluffing? FRANCO: One.
[PHILBERT CRIES.]
ALL: Nooo! FRANCO: What the hell?! None of you was gonna catch my baby?! - TIM: You threw your baby! - FRANCO: That's not the point! I wouldn't care if anyone else didn't want to hold my baby, but you guys are my best friends.
[SAD MUSIC.]
♪ GULED: You're right.
We're being immature.
VANCE: I'm still scared, but maybe if we hold him together? TIM: Yeah.
That sounds nice.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
♪ TIM: Aww, wow! GULED: His little hands are so cute! TIM: This is nice.
GULED: You were right, Kung.
This is amazing.
Kung? You're the dads now! He's a light sleeper! Good luck! Whoo! ♪ ♪ [SCREECHING TIRES.]
COURIER: Ahh! Oh Ow! Gah! What the hell? You doored me! You drivers are all the same! You don't care about us bike couriers.
MAN: You don't understand.
I love bike couriers.
Can I tell you something? COURIER: No, just call an ambulance! What? Where are you taking me? WOMAN: [SINGING.]
Oo-oo-oo-ooh! ♪ MAN: I really love bike couriers.
♪ You're the sexiest courier.
♪ Your bodies are lean, your calves are so strong, ♪ and in your heart is where I belong.
♪ WOMAN: Oo-oo-oo-ooh! ♪ I love you too! ♪ ♪ MAN: Nothing can stop you as you cycle downtown.
♪ WOMAN: No! ♪ MAN: Even bad weather can't keep you down.
♪ WOMAN: No! ♪ BOTH: Not on the hottest days or the coldest nights.
♪ MAN: And I love the way you don't respect red lights.
♪ COURIER: Whoa, asshole! What are you doing, man? WOMAN: Red lights, hate 'em! ♪ COURIER CHOIR: We're not worriers ♪ Our bodies so lean, our calves are so strong.
♪ And in his heart is where we belong! ♪ MAN & WOMAN: I really love bike couriers.
♪ They are the sexiest, for sure-iers.
♪ They're kind of cool and gritty.
♪ They know the city.
♪ And I just want them all for me.
♪ COURIER CHOIR: They really love bike couriers.
♪ MAN & WOMAN: Yes, I do.
♪ COURIER: We're the sexiest couriers.
♪ Ooh! ♪ WOMAN: I dated one once.
♪ COURIER CHOIR: It's where we belong! ♪ WOMAN: Couriers, couriers, couriers! ♪ ♪ ALL: Bike couriers, couriers, couriers! ♪ ♪ Bike couriers, couriers, couriers! ♪ MAN: [BLOWS A KISS.]
[SCARY MUSIC.]
- TIM: Is he still there? - AXE MURDERER: Grr! - TIM: Ahh! - GULED: Oh my God! AXE MURDERER: Grr! GULED: Oh God, where'd he go? AXE MURDERER: Grr! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- GULED: Let's split up.
- TIM: Okay.
Where'd he go? [SCREAMS.]
AXE MURDERER: Oh, shit.
Dang! No! I can't kill you first.
TIM: What? Why? AXE MURDERER: In the past, I've gotten some flack 'cause it always seems like I'm killing the black person first.
TIM: Oh.
AXE MURDERER: I'm sorry, who was with you? TIM: My friend, Caleb.
He's a conservative accountant who wears loafers.
AXE MURDERER: Sounds perfect! Where's he at? GULED: [OUT OF BREATH.]
I think we lost him.
Oh my God! Please don't kill me! I don't want to die.
Not like this! - AXE MURDERER: Are you Caleb? - GULED: Yes? AXE MURDERER: Oh, dingleberries! Oh, come on! GULED: I'm sorry, are you gonna kill us? AXE MURDERER: Sorry, no.
I'm just trying to diversify.
GULED: Oh! - Oh, yeah! - TIM: Great decision! You know, you'll be on the right side of history.
- GULED: Mm-hm! - AXE MURDERER: Well, thank you! - GULED: Good luck.
- AXE MURDERER: Yeah! - TIM: Go kill a white person! - AXE MURDERER: Thanks, guys! GULED: Can't believe that worked.
TIM: Yeah, we should probably get out of here before - AXE MURDERER: Grr! - TIM: God, he's back! AXE MURDERER: Huh, crazy luck! I just found a white guy to kill jogging in the woods.
TIM: White people jogging in the woods? What are the chances? AXE MURDERER: All right, now I can finally kill you guys.
[BOTH YELL.]
TIM: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait You were gonna kill the both of us? - I mean, you only just killed one white guy.
- AXE MURDERER: Hm GULED: Two for one feels like the ratio is kinda off, right? AXE MURDERER: You know, I never really thought of it like that.
GULED: Maybe you should, yeah! AXE MURDERER: Okay, fine.
Oh, wow! White people be jogging! JOGGER: What's going on? TIM & GULED: He's an axe murderer.
JOGGER: Please, don't don't kill me! AXE MURDERER: Quick Q Are you a virgin? JOGGER: Excuse me?! AXE MURDERER: It's just in the past, I've gotten some flack just 'cause I'm always punishing the, um slut of the group first.
- GULED: Wow! - TIM: Come on! - GULED: Easy! - TIM: Seriously? JOGGER: Go away, you creepy asshole.
AXE MURDERER: No, I think you misunderstood me.
JOGGER: Oh, I understand.
I'm either a slut or a virgin.
Is that it? - AXE MURDERER: D'oh! - JOGGER: Don't start yelling at us just because our answers aren't to your liking.
TIM: Yeah, dude, you're kinda acting like a victim right now.
AXE MURDERER: Okay, I'm just trying to find out, as an axe murderer, who I can kill, okay! CORPORATE JOGGER: Well, the world is dying, right? So how do we get rich off of that? - AXE MURDERER: Okay, so this guy? - TIM: Oh, yeah.
JOGGER: Green light.
- TIM: He seems like a safe call probably.
- CORPORATE JOGGER: Ahh! - [BICYCLE BELLS RINGS.]
- JOGGER: [GASPS.]
BICYCLE COP: Freeze! You are all way too close to each other! - GULED: He's trying to kill us! - BICYCLE COP: Yes! By breaking social distancing guidelines.
Why don't you use the designated slasher area we've created? - AXE MURDERER: Huh? - GULED: Hm? AXE MURDERER: Oh.
- TIM: Right.
- JOGGER: Makes sense.
GULED: Yeah, yeah.
BICYCLE COP: And thank you for wearing a mask.
You're the real hero.
[UPBEAT.]
Pure Colombian.
DEALER 2: We'll be the judge of that.
♪ ♪ ♪ DEALER 3: Mmm.
It's legit.
DEALER 2: Give Papa a taste.
[SNORTS LOUDLY.]
Ugh oh! Whoo! [COUGHS.]
DEALER 2: All right.
$10,000, cash.
It's all there.
VOICE: Freeze! DEALER 1: Fu Shit! BICYCLE COP: I've been on your tail for weeks, and now I've finally got you.
You're all under arrest! DEALER 1: Shit.
BICYCLE COP: For breaking social distancing guidelines! DEALER 1: What? We're outside! BICYCLE COP: Doesn't matter.
You're still way too close to each other! There's a safe way to do a drug deal.
Why don't you use the designated drug deal area we've created? - DEALER 3: What? - DEALER 1: Huh? DEALER 1: Oh, that's entrapment.
BICYCLE COP: And you were sharing the same coke knife.
Blech! DEALER 2: We're in the same bubble! BICYCLE COP: Yeah, I've heard that before.
That's an $800 fine for each of you.
No, stay in your [INAUDIBLE.]
area! Ahh, stay! I'm just gonna leave this here.
This is to shame you on social media! [PHONE CAMERA CLICKING.]
BICYCLE COP: Shame! [RINGS BICYCLE BELL.]
DEALER 1: He's right.
It's pretty irresponsible of us.
- DEALER 3: Yeah, I feel bad.
- DEALER 2: You feel bad? I mean, I still live with my grandma.
- DEALER 3: That's just selfish! - DEALER 1: That's wrong.
♪ TY: Wow, I can't believe they haven't changed my room.
It's like they still think I'm a little kid.
ROGER: [FROM DOWNSTAIRS.]
We're making momos, your favourite! TY: [YELLING.]
O-kay! Man If only we could be children forever, just like Patel Pan.
Wait a second ROGER: Hey, you ready for dinner or what? TY: Why does it say "Peter" underneath the name "Patel"? ROGER: Uh that is strange.
Uh, I gotta help your Pops with the food.
What's that, the food? TY: Is his name supposed to be "Peter"? Huh.
Hah classic! Good old Jiang and Jill.
[RHYTHMICALLY.]
"Jiang and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their cultures" Wait a minute.
Is their hair coloured in? Are they supposed to be white? [SINISTER MUSIC.]
TY: Dad, Pops, did someone colour in my books? POPS: It's time to tell him the truth, Roger.
TY: Tell me what? ROGER: Okay, fine.
Ty, there's There's no easy way to say this.
Since you were a baby, I've been altering your books to be more inclusive.
TY: What? ROGER: I just wanted you to have a healthy childhood.
TY: What?! Is every book altered? Raja Hood? Shamika's Web? Consent Dracula? Oh my God! What about Jabari and the Giant Papaya? That's not a book modification, is it? ROGER: Well, well, that book that book is POPS: You tell him the truth, Roger! TY: Oh my God, his name is James? Why'd you make it a papaya? ROGER: I wanted you to be open to trying to new foods! TY: Oh my God! In the sixth grade, Sam insisted it was "Harry Potter.
" But no! No, I told him it was "Hanif Popoola"! POPS: But that book is still transphobic.
You need to give that back.
TY: All of my friends grew up without a positive self-image because they didn't see themselves reflected in the books they read.
And I'll never know what that's like because of you! ROGER: I was just trying to protect you.
TY: Then why didn't you just buy books made by people of colour? ROGER: You don't think I tried? You ever go into Chapters pre-2016? The closest I got was a catalogue about the Nagano Olympics! POPS: It's all Guinness Book of Records! TY: My whole life has been a lie.
This is just like that movie, The Tuwong Show.
ROGER: It's The Truman Show.
TY: You edited movies, too?! ROGER: We didn't just edit movies.
We shot and produced over a hundred pictures! [MUSIC FROM CASABLANCA.]
RICK BLAINE: The problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
One day you'll understand that.
Now, now.
Here's looking at you, kid, through a non-colonial lens.
ILSA LUND: That sounds like racial harmony.
RICK BLAINE: That it does.
[MUSIC FROM CASABLANCA.]
TY: Pretty good, but I think the title, "Casanegra," is a little on the nose.
♪ ♪ VANCE: Hi, I'm Vance, and I'm from Alberta.
I don't want to burn this flag.
I just want your attention.
You see, I've been hearing a lot of hum-rumbling about Alberta wanting to leave Canada, and I know there are a lot of politics involved.
But I'm not interested in the politics, as you can tell by me completely ignoring the politics involved in burning this flag.
Alberta, if you leave, we'd be losing more than just your plaid-clad hipsters and your plaid-clad people who don't like hipsters.
We'd be losing a part of ourselves.
Whoa-oh ♪ Oh, Alberta ♪ I heard you're separatin'.
♪ And I'm so sorry for relocatin' ♪ ♪ I left Alberta to succeed ♪ ♪ But in my heart I'd never secede ♪ ♪ But now, baby, it's you who I miss.
♪ ♪ And my friend, Nate, ♪ and my four good buds named Chris.
♪ Oh! ♪ 'Berta, I love you more than you love oil.
♪ 'Berta, it's cold, but you work and you toil.
♪ ♪ Your Northern Lights are energizin'.
♪ How many muffler shops you have is quite surprisin'! ♪ ♪ Over 20,000.
♪ ♪ Two professional sports teams ♪ The Flames for you and Oilers for me.
♪ And also two teams in the Canadian Football League.
♪ Oh! ♪ 'Berta, I know it's no idle threat.
♪ But if you leave, I'd have regrets.
♪ So maybe you shouldn't take a stand, ♪ and be on your own like Saskatchewan.
♪ ♪ 'Berta, if you leave and call it quits, ♪ for me, baby, it would be the shits.
♪ ♪ So 'Berta, give'r and get greasy with me! ♪ - GULED: Vance! Vance! - VANCE: Huh? Oh.
GULED: Don't burn that weird piece of fabric with a lot going on on it visually.
VANCE: Uh, yeah, it's the Alberta flag.
- GULED: Oh! - VANCE: I was just holding it hostage so Alberta would listen to my love song.
And isn't that the most Alberta thing someone can do? - VANCE: Oh my God! - GULED: Whoa, what the ?! What's that made of? VANCE: It was coated in oil.
GULED: Oh.
VOICE OVER: Alberta.
Coating things in oil since 1973.
[LAUGHTER.]
CLAIRE: Oh, I'm really starting to get used to these things.
BOB: You know, I had my doubts about letting everyone work from home after COVID, but you've all been more productive than ever.
TIM: Yeah, I am way more awake now that I don't have to drive in from Barrie.
JARED: But then you still have to live in Barrie! [LAUGHTER.]
- DUNCAN: He's got you there.
- TIM: It's not that funny.
BOB: Seriously, I'm glad you're all so professional.
CLAIRE: Hey, thanks for saying that, Bob.
BOB: So, you believe you're all professional? JASMINE: Uh, yep! We're professional, Bob.
BOB: Yeah.
So let's have a standing ovation for being professional.
Everyone, stand up! JASMINE: Why would we do that? BOB: Because part of being professional is dressing for the job.
And I suspect some of you aren't wearing any pants.
DUNCAN: I mean, Bob, isn't the important thing that our numbers are drastically improving every day? BOB: It's not about the numbers, Duncan! Now, you can either show me the bottom half of what you're wearing, or you can video your way into the unemployment line.
JARED: I'm not showing you my pants.
JASMINE: Don't be a hero, Jared.
You have a family! JARED: I'm not gonna show you my pants because I'm not wearing any! - [SOUND OF GASPS.]
- CLAIRE: Oh! BOB: I knew you were pantless, Jerry, based on how comfortable you were to quip on Ontario's finest city, Barrie.
JARED: We deserve humanity and security, and if we don't get that well, then you can do your worst.
BOB: Well, Jared, I'm afraid you're fi JASMINE: I'm not wearing pants either! - TIM: Neither am I! - CLAIRE: Neither am I! DUNCAN: I'm also not wearing pants.
But I am wearing cowboy boots for some reason.
They make me feel safe in these troubled times.
JARED: For years, we put up with your rules.
JASMINE: We're not gonna take it anymore, Bob! - JARED: Mm-hm! - TIM: Yeah, we're walking! BOB: You're not going anywhere! You got no place to go! DUNCAN: Oh yeah? CLAIRE: [LAUGHS.]
You don't know me! BOB: Okay, wait, wait! Please stay.
DUNCAN: Hmm? BOB: I'm nothing without my workers.
JARED: We may stay, but we've got some demands.
TIM: Yeah! Lose the pants! - JASMINE: Do it.
- CLAIRE: Do it! DUNCAN: Take off the pants! BOB: You've all done it, so it should be equally as easy for me.
JASMINE: Come on, Bobby! BOB: Those pants are comin' off! JARED: Oh my God, what the ?! Warn people! Jesus Christ, how do I close this? CLAIRE: Well, I've been in quarantine.
I've seen worse! ♪ CROWD: [CHANTING.]
Butcher, Butcher! BUTCHER C: Keep this warm for me.
CROWD: Butcher, Butcher, Butcher, Butcher! BUTCHER C: Let's do this.
[APPLAUSE.]
BUTCHER C: Butcher C! Butcher's back, baby.
WOMAN: All right! Yeah! BUTCHER C: Winnipeg, y'all ready? - CROWD: Yeah! - MAN: Come on, Butcher! BUTCHER C: Look at me, I'm Butcher C.
♪ I've been on the block.
♪ They call me "Mississauga" because I stay hot.
♪ When I say Butcher, y'all say C.
♪ Butcher! ♪ - CROWD: C! ♪ - BUTCHER C: Butcher! ♪ - CROWD: C! ♪ BUTCHER C: Every song I drop, get paid six figgas.
♪ Do not hang with broke boys, only with my niggas.
♪ I ride with my niggas.
♪ I die with my niggas.
Baked up high with my niggas.
♪ Even cry with my niggas.
♪ When I say big, y'all say bigga.
♪ - Big! ♪ - CROWD: Bigga! ♪ - BUTCHER C: Big! ♪ - CROWD: Bigga! ♪ BUTCHER C: When I say nig, y'all say nigga.
♪ - Nig! ♪ - MAN: [OFFSCREEN.]
Nigga! ♪ - BUTCHER C: Nig! ♪ - MAN: [OFFSCREEN.]
Nigga! ♪ BUTCHER C: Who said that? All right, cut the music! - Cut the music! - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Who said that? [CROWD WHISPERING.]
MAN: Nigga.
BUTCHER C: Nigga? MAN: Nigga? BUTCHER C: [CALLING.]
Nig-ga! MAN: [CALLING BACK.]
Nig-ga! BUTCHER C: [CALLING.]
Nig-ga! MAN: [SINGING.]
Nig-ga, nig-ga! BUTCHER C: [BARBER OF SEVILLE.]
Ni-garo, Ni-garo! MAN: [BARBER OF SEVILLE.]
Ni-garo, Ni-garo, Ni-garo! Ni-garo! - BUTCHER C: Nig! - MAN: Ga! - BUTCHER C: Nig! - MAN: Ga! BUTCHER C: [SINGS BASS LINE OF HEART AND SOUL.]
Nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga, nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga MAN: [SINGS MELODY OF HEART OF SOUL.]
Nig-nig-ga, ga-nigga-nigga-nig, ga-ga-ga! Ga-nigga-nigga-nig-ga BUTCHER C: [O CANADA.]
Nig, nig, nigga TOGETHER: [O CANADA.]
Nigga, nigga, nigga BUTCHER C: If you're black and you know it, ♪ - say "Nigga.
" ♪ - MAN: Nigga! ♪ BUTCHER C: Nigga! Nigga, get up here.
Winnipeg, make some noise for my nigga! [APPLAUSE & CHEERING.]
BUTCHER C: [WHISPERING.]
This is the only way I can find my black fans nowadays.
- MAN: I understand, nigga.
- [MUSIC RESUMES.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
WOMAN: Yeah, other guy! BUTCHER C: Yeah, I found my nigga! SINGER: I'm from the West End.
♪ I'm from the West End.
♪ GULED: Man, this guy sucks.
He can't dribble.
He can't pass.
He can't do anything! VANCE: That's the ref.
GULED: My point still stands.
FRANCO: Hey, guys! - GULED: Hey! - VANCE: Oh! TIM: Hey, Philbert! GULED: Look at his little hat! - FRANCO: Yeah, isn't he cute? - TIM: Oh, he's so cute! FRANCO: Which one of you guys wants to hold him? GULED: Uh, yeah, yeah, for sure.
In a little bit.
VANCE: Yeah, in a bit.
TIM: Uh, yeah, the game just started, so FRANCO: Huh.
[WHISTLE BLOWS ON TV.]
ANNOUNCER ON TV: And the Raptors call a time out.
[PHILBERT COOING.]
FRANCO: All right, who wants to hold the baby while I grab a beer? TIM: Oh! I can get you a beer.
FRANCO: Oh Uh, I'll grab the beer.
You can hold Philbert.
Come on, he's cute! TIM: Oh, I, uh You know what? It was arm day at the gym today, so I'm just feeling really weak.
FRANCO: He's 14 pounds.
TIM: I only bench 10.
FRANCO: Well, what about you, Will? - Do you want to hold my baby? - GULED: Pssh I don't know how.
FRANCO: I could show you.
GULED: I'm a slow learner! FRANCO: You're a teacher.
GULED: I go to school to teach, not learn.
VANCE: Personally, I'd love to hold Philbert.
I'm just superstitious that if I hold a baby, some day I'll have a baby.
FRANCO: One of you's wants to hold my baby right? TIM: Game's back on.
VANCE: Oh! Yeah.
[SOUND OF GAME ON TV.]
FRANCO: People travel thousands of miles to hold this baby.
Now You will too! That's it, one of you's is gonna hold my baby! VANCE: Whoa FRANCO: Or I'm gonna make you hold my baby.
TIM: Well, how are you gonna make us do that? FRANCO: I'm gonna throw my firstborn son in the air and one of you is gonna catch him.
- GULED: Whoa! - VANCE: Hey! GULED: You've got whoa, whoa, whoa! VANCE: You're crazy, man! FRANCO: [YELLING.]
Yeah, I'm crazy! I haven't slept in 12 days! I'll do it right now! I'll do it myself, bro! - TIM: Whoa! - VANCE: Okay! FRANCO: Three Two TIM: He's he's bluffing? FRANCO: One.
[PHILBERT CRIES.]
ALL: Nooo! FRANCO: What the hell?! None of you was gonna catch my baby?! - TIM: You threw your baby! - FRANCO: That's not the point! I wouldn't care if anyone else didn't want to hold my baby, but you guys are my best friends.
[SAD MUSIC.]
♪ GULED: You're right.
We're being immature.
VANCE: I'm still scared, but maybe if we hold him together? TIM: Yeah.
That sounds nice.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC.]
♪ TIM: Aww, wow! GULED: His little hands are so cute! TIM: This is nice.
GULED: You were right, Kung.
This is amazing.
Kung? You're the dads now! He's a light sleeper! Good luck! Whoo! ♪ ♪ [SCREECHING TIRES.]
COURIER: Ahh! Oh Ow! Gah! What the hell? You doored me! You drivers are all the same! You don't care about us bike couriers.
MAN: You don't understand.
I love bike couriers.
Can I tell you something? COURIER: No, just call an ambulance! What? Where are you taking me? WOMAN: [SINGING.]
Oo-oo-oo-ooh! ♪ MAN: I really love bike couriers.
♪ You're the sexiest courier.
♪ Your bodies are lean, your calves are so strong, ♪ and in your heart is where I belong.
♪ WOMAN: Oo-oo-oo-ooh! ♪ I love you too! ♪ ♪ MAN: Nothing can stop you as you cycle downtown.
♪ WOMAN: No! ♪ MAN: Even bad weather can't keep you down.
♪ WOMAN: No! ♪ BOTH: Not on the hottest days or the coldest nights.
♪ MAN: And I love the way you don't respect red lights.
♪ COURIER: Whoa, asshole! What are you doing, man? WOMAN: Red lights, hate 'em! ♪ COURIER CHOIR: We're not worriers ♪ Our bodies so lean, our calves are so strong.
♪ And in his heart is where we belong! ♪ MAN & WOMAN: I really love bike couriers.
♪ They are the sexiest, for sure-iers.
♪ They're kind of cool and gritty.
♪ They know the city.
♪ And I just want them all for me.
♪ COURIER CHOIR: They really love bike couriers.
♪ MAN & WOMAN: Yes, I do.
♪ COURIER: We're the sexiest couriers.
♪ Ooh! ♪ WOMAN: I dated one once.
♪ COURIER CHOIR: It's where we belong! ♪ WOMAN: Couriers, couriers, couriers! ♪ ♪ ALL: Bike couriers, couriers, couriers! ♪ ♪ Bike couriers, couriers, couriers! ♪ MAN: [BLOWS A KISS.]
[SCARY MUSIC.]
- TIM: Is he still there? - AXE MURDERER: Grr! - TIM: Ahh! - GULED: Oh my God! AXE MURDERER: Grr! GULED: Oh God, where'd he go? AXE MURDERER: Grr! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- GULED: Let's split up.
- TIM: Okay.
Where'd he go? [SCREAMS.]
AXE MURDERER: Oh, shit.
Dang! No! I can't kill you first.
TIM: What? Why? AXE MURDERER: In the past, I've gotten some flack 'cause it always seems like I'm killing the black person first.
TIM: Oh.
AXE MURDERER: I'm sorry, who was with you? TIM: My friend, Caleb.
He's a conservative accountant who wears loafers.
AXE MURDERER: Sounds perfect! Where's he at? GULED: [OUT OF BREATH.]
I think we lost him.
Oh my God! Please don't kill me! I don't want to die.
Not like this! - AXE MURDERER: Are you Caleb? - GULED: Yes? AXE MURDERER: Oh, dingleberries! Oh, come on! GULED: I'm sorry, are you gonna kill us? AXE MURDERER: Sorry, no.
I'm just trying to diversify.
GULED: Oh! - Oh, yeah! - TIM: Great decision! You know, you'll be on the right side of history.
- GULED: Mm-hm! - AXE MURDERER: Well, thank you! - GULED: Good luck.
- AXE MURDERER: Yeah! - TIM: Go kill a white person! - AXE MURDERER: Thanks, guys! GULED: Can't believe that worked.
TIM: Yeah, we should probably get out of here before - AXE MURDERER: Grr! - TIM: God, he's back! AXE MURDERER: Huh, crazy luck! I just found a white guy to kill jogging in the woods.
TIM: White people jogging in the woods? What are the chances? AXE MURDERER: All right, now I can finally kill you guys.
[BOTH YELL.]
TIM: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait You were gonna kill the both of us? - I mean, you only just killed one white guy.
- AXE MURDERER: Hm GULED: Two for one feels like the ratio is kinda off, right? AXE MURDERER: You know, I never really thought of it like that.
GULED: Maybe you should, yeah! AXE MURDERER: Okay, fine.
Oh, wow! White people be jogging! JOGGER: What's going on? TIM & GULED: He's an axe murderer.
JOGGER: Please, don't don't kill me! AXE MURDERER: Quick Q Are you a virgin? JOGGER: Excuse me?! AXE MURDERER: It's just in the past, I've gotten some flack just 'cause I'm always punishing the, um slut of the group first.
- GULED: Wow! - TIM: Come on! - GULED: Easy! - TIM: Seriously? JOGGER: Go away, you creepy asshole.
AXE MURDERER: No, I think you misunderstood me.
JOGGER: Oh, I understand.
I'm either a slut or a virgin.
Is that it? - AXE MURDERER: D'oh! - JOGGER: Don't start yelling at us just because our answers aren't to your liking.
TIM: Yeah, dude, you're kinda acting like a victim right now.
AXE MURDERER: Okay, I'm just trying to find out, as an axe murderer, who I can kill, okay! CORPORATE JOGGER: Well, the world is dying, right? So how do we get rich off of that? - AXE MURDERER: Okay, so this guy? - TIM: Oh, yeah.
JOGGER: Green light.
- TIM: He seems like a safe call probably.
- CORPORATE JOGGER: Ahh! - [BICYCLE BELLS RINGS.]
- JOGGER: [GASPS.]
BICYCLE COP: Freeze! You are all way too close to each other! - GULED: He's trying to kill us! - BICYCLE COP: Yes! By breaking social distancing guidelines.
Why don't you use the designated slasher area we've created? - AXE MURDERER: Huh? - GULED: Hm? AXE MURDERER: Oh.
- TIM: Right.
- JOGGER: Makes sense.
GULED: Yeah, yeah.
BICYCLE COP: And thank you for wearing a mask.
You're the real hero.
[UPBEAT.]