Taskmaster (2015) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Hello, I am Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
You're about to witness five
comedians do battle for points
with the ultimate goal of
lifting my heavy golden head
above their ordinary heads, as they
are crowned champion of Taskmaster.
It's a brand new series, so let's
meet our brand new competitors.
They are
Doc Brown.
Joe Wilkinson.
Jon Richardson.
Katherine Ryan.
And Richard Osman!
I'm also joined once again by my
lovely assistant, Mr Alex Horne.
Hello.
Really?
Welcome back, Alex. How are you?
Good, I'm feeling a
lot more confident.
I've got a lot more
self-belief now.
So, thank you for that.
I sort of see myself now
as your au pair figure.
So I live in your house and
I look after your children,
and I'm quite nice to
look at. Quite pretty.
- Are you?
- Do you think so?
I don't know if this is
pejorative or not,
but I think you look a little
bit like a pipe cleaner.
So the first task, as ever,
is the prize task.
Today you've asked
them all to bring in
their most important document.
Yes.
OK, so whoever brings in the
most important document,
they'll win the first points,
and whoever wins the episode,
will win all the
important documents.
Doc Brown, please tell us what
your most important document is.
It's my first ever, or one
of the very first
full, completed rhyme books
from my time as
a teenage rapper.
And who hasn't got those?
It's full of some of the
most worthy, earnest,
annoying lyrics you've ever read.
Do you remember
any lyrics from it?
"Forget Memory Lane. I travel
down Attitude Avenue."
Just fucking awful.
Very good. Joe, what
have you brought in?
What's important about
your document?
Um, it's my wedding certificate.
Ooooh.
Wow.
Yeah, um The thing
about this is
When I said to my missus
I was going on the show
and I needed an important document,
I said, "Can I take my
wedding certificate?"
and she said no.
And I brought it anyway!
And I'm terrified of her.
I'm genuinely--
That's not a joke.
- I'm absolutely terrified of her, so
- Wow.
I went big early on this one.
Great. Well, I mean, that's
gonna be hard to beat.
Jon, what is your
important document?
It's my certificate to say that
I am a Guinness World Record holder.
- Whoa!
- Wow!
Shit.
And what do you hold
the world record in?
The highest ever stand-up comedy gig.
On a mountain?
I did a gig on a plane.
Did anyone else do
the gig with you?
Nope.
Dara Ó Briain and Jack Whitehall were
there for sort of moral support.
They're both taller than you.
Did they do the gig, Jon?
I was compèring the gig,
so I went on first.
I think some people do genuine things
to get in the Guinness World Records.
I don't think that's a genuine record.
That's just my honest opinion.
Shots fired.
I can't believe we're believing
that Joe Wilkinson is married
and I'm getting shit.
Didn't expect it to be Osman who
went down Attitude Avenue.
Katherine?
Well, my important document
is worth £10,000.
I do a lot of flying and I love it
when no one annoys me
on that flight by doing something
like stand-up comedy.
- Because I would be trapped.
- Right.
I fly so much for work that
I have accrued enough points
to earn a companion voucher.
Any one of you could win it,
and that means that wherever you go,
even if it's first class, you could
take anyone you like with you,
and they travel for free. What
a baller you will seem like.
That's amazing.
That's actually a good prize.
That's a great prize.
Richard?
Like Jon, I've got something
that is so important to me,
it's on my living room wall.
Unlike Jon, I actually have a half-
decent Guinness World Record.
Et tu, Brute?
Actually verified and
all sorts of things.
Didn't have to go on a plane.
Nerd alert.
Yeah, for naming capital cities
in a minute, live on television.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, lovely.
- You have to make a decision now.
- I'm gonna make a very quick decision.
Do you want to go from least
important to most important?
Er, no. I'm putting
Joe in first place.
What?
I mean, the idea of
you being alone
just saddens me so much,
I can't bear it.
It's five points!
That marriage is a sham anyway.
I'm putting Doc Brown
in second place.
And I'm slamming the other three in
joint third place. That's my plan.
NO!
Do you want me to put you
in third place, Katherine?
Yes, please. Alone.
OK. I will, yeah.
Alone?
I'll give Katherine third place
and put the others--
So you're putting the two world
record holders in last?
- In fourth.
- OK.
Time for the first
proper action task.
"Place these three exercise
balls on the yoga mat"
"on the top of that hill."
That hill?
"The task is complete
when all three balls
sit fully inflated and
stationary on the mat."
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now." Up there?
Are you serious?
Um, daunting task?
Not if you've worked
at altitude before.
Well, you know, it's an exciting task.
I'm looking forward to--
Shall we just see some?
OK. Do you want to see the two Js?
Do you want to see Joe and Jon?
- I do.
- OK. Here they are.
"Your time starts now."
- That hill?
- Yes, please.
Up there? Are you serious?
Argh!
No!
Argh! Come here, ball.
Oh, God.
Ah, shit!
Ah, fuck
Two minutes, Joe!
What?
You've had two minutes.
Ah, shut up!
No!
No.
NO!
Augh!
Ah!
Oh! Ffff--
Ugh!
Prick!
Fucking hate hills.
Just had to go back
for the other ball.
Yes, I saw that.
There we go.
Done?
Done! Stop the clock.
Well, thank you, Jon.
Fuck you, Alex.
I mean, I don't know how
you feel watching it back,
but it occurs to me that
my seven-year-old niece
would've come up with
a better plan than
"I'm going to hold two
and kick one up."
I kicked one of them, admittedly.
I tried to carry two.
I think I tried to kick all three.
Yeah.
- Forward-thinking.
- Yeah.
I thought, "I'm not carrying those."
Your total score was nine
minutes and one second.
Or you can round that
up to ten minutes.
- If you want to.
- If you want to, yeah.
Yeah, and we do want to.
Jon, six minutes 37.
So that's nearly 15 minutes.
Yeah.
- If you round it up.
- Quarter of an hour.
About an hour.
How many minutes do we add
for him insulting the
Taskmaster's assistant?
- That's me!
- Yeah.
I liked it.
- Happy with that.
- Fair enough.
Let's see some more. Who's next?
Uh, the more glamorous
Doc and Katherine?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
It's gonna be windier up
there than it is down here.
Might as well take two balls.
Has someone already tried
to carry all three at once?
Don't think I can do three.
Do you guys feel like going
up to the top of the hill
and just keeping these
from blowing away?
Yeah!
I just need them to be
stationary on a yoga mat.
That's so kind of you.
And I think that some strong
women working together
is the fastest way to do anything.
So, all three
just need to sit here.
If you keep those there,
I'll get the other one.
Thanks, ladies.
No!
No. Fuck!
Shit!
You don't feel like doing me
a huge favour, do you?
Could you wait and just make
sure these don't roll down?
I'm just gonna run and get
the ball, and that is it.
And you can go about your day.
Just give me two minutes, please.
Don't let the ball roll down.
Hello, ladies! So, all we've got to do
is get these on that mat.
We can sit on them.
It doesn't say don't sit on them.
OK, I've stopped the clock.
Well done.
Yeah, there you are!
OK.
Well done, Doc.
You OK?
Yeah. I feel good.
I mean, very impressive to get
a feminist statement of power
into a game involving getting
plastic balls on top of a hill.
And I love the way
you charmed them.
You had the strategy
straight away, right?
- Yes.
- Get some people, get some help.
And I didn't ask them
to carry any balls.
I carried all the balls myself.
I saw that.
Doc, you looked like you had
a massive game plan to me
at the beginning,
because you went
"Ah!" "OK."
"It's gonna be windy up there."
That gave me some hope,
because you were thinking.
Mm-hm.
And then you used the old
"Put the tiny rock on
the massive ball"
I realised immediately,
when I got up there,
that even just getting a decent-
sized rock out of the ground
was gonna be impossible,
so I was trying to pull
tiny pebbles out of the
ground to keep 'em stable.
Give us some times for
these good people.
Doc made three trips up and down
and took 12 minutes, 25 seconds.
Oh, wow!
I was expecting that to be good.
Katherine, she has got
six minutes 37 to beat.
- She took seven minutes 36.
- NO!
- Oh, no way!
- Did I?
What were you doing?
She walked-- She walked--
"She walked" is the end
of that sentence.
- She walked?
- Yeah.
Just Richard Osman to go.
I'd imagine you just reached
up and placed them
up there with your big
hands, didn't you?
We'll find out after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where four comedians
and Richard Osman
are playing for Joe Wilkinson's
marriage certificate.
Alex, please remind us
what's been happening.
Well, so far, Jon Richardson
has been the fastest,
despite having some of the
shortest legs in comedy,
and it's just Richard Osman to go.
Can we see how Richard did?
Yes, we can. Have a look.
Um, now How am I gonna do this?
It's going to be impossible, right?
Right, let me have a little
read of that again.
Hoo! That's a long way up, right?
Oh, no.
Quite steep, isn't it, Richard?
Yeah, yeah. I was so tempted
to use this as a sledge.
Um
Done.
It's really steep.
Is Richard Osman, um
a genius, or should that
not be allowed?
There's definitely something in there
about the balls and up the hill.
What was the exact challenge?
"Place these three exercise
balls on the yoga mat
on the top of that hill."
- Ooh!
- Yeah!
- Oh, yes!
- On the yoga mat
That is on top of that hill.
I mean, is there any way
of knowing for sure
whether he was in the spirit
of the challenge?
I think it matters what
Susie Dent thinks.
- Whoa!
- Look out!
- So we asked Susie Dent.
- She's from Countdown.
So, she said the wording of the
task is open to interpretation.
She said, "It's the classically ambiguous
English prepositional phrase."
Which is the title of my new rap album.
She finishes by saying, "I'd say how
Richard decided to understand it
is unusual, but not impossible."
No!
Joe, you know Susie, right?
I know Susie and she has
a few too many of them.
She does!
If she read that in the evening,
I would discount it.
This is the way I see it.
Susie Dent knows what
she's talking about
and Richard Osman used
his imagination.
So, as far as I'm concerned,
he wins that task.
I think we should see another task.
OK. It's gonna be a heady mix
of sport and vegetables.
Potato? My fave.
Pffft.
"Get this potato into the golf hole."
"You may not touch the red green."
"You may not touch the red green."
I get one shot at this?
No?
OK.
Oh, but if I throw it,
I can't go on it, right?
Oho, that's clever!
So it's like a one--
Oh, man. Oh, man.
You're kidding me.
I mean, with a task like this,
it was made pretty clear
that they're not allowed to
touch the red green, right?
Yes.
So the one thing you wouldn't do
is you wouldn't just throw the potato
at the hole and hope for the best?
No, otherwise the potato
would just be stranded.
It'd be stranded.
- You wouldn't be able to retrieve it.
- You wouldn't be able to get to it.
So you'd think of a way round that.
I mean, no one would
just do that, right?
Who do you want to see first?
Katherine and Richard?
- Yes, please.
- OK.
Well, now how am I gonna get it?
Dunno.
I could risk it.
Ahh, I'm gonna have to get something.
Stupid
Should've thought of that
a while before, right?
No!
Ooh.
Not losing him again.
What's the plan?
I'm gonna tie this potato
Sort of give it a lead,
so I don't lose it again.
We all love a game of
Get the Potato in the Hole.
It's an old Irish game.
And you're happy you
didn't touch the red green?
I don't think I did.
Not that time.
No problem.
- Do you feel good?
- I feel great.
- Want your wellies back?
- Yes, please.
Can I touch the red green now?
My initial impulse was
Where did you get those wellies?
They're awesome.
And then that was quickly
replaced by, "What happened?"
When you worked out a system
that you could move the green.
Yeah.
You just moved it a little bit
"Yeah, that'll do. I'm gonna tie
a potato to some string."
Oh, no
I felt like, unlike Richard Osman,
I should respect the red green.
And, like, play the game.
I mean, you've invented a
great game, Potato String.
Unfortunately for you, it's owned
by the makers of this programme.
This is why I'm really bad sports.
I just can't work it out.
I just can't, like
M-m-most of sports is, like
Can we have some
time out for Katherine?
Thank you.
Most of sports--
I feel like the crux of every
sport that I see is
Yeah.
is getting the ball in the hole.
Yeah.
I don't care where the ball goes.
I don't care.
No.
Like I'll never jump
in front of a ball
or like, hurt myself.
I don't get it.
I'm the same, and when I inevitably
take over as king of this country,
I'm gonna ban football.
So Richard's in the lead.
Two minutes 13 in total.
And Katherine, six minutes 28.
Not bad.
- Who's next?
- Doc and Jon.
Uh-oh. What's wrong, Doc?
Up and in.
Ahh, shhh--
Bastard.
Can't get on the red though, can I?
How do I retrieve the potato?
I didn't think about that.
Threw too early.
Oh, I'm screwed now.
Now, this is obviously gonna
add to my time, but
Unless one of those
other jammy guys
gets a hole in one,
I reckon I'll be alright.
Bastard.
This could take a while.
Yes!
We're back to square one.
Yeah.
Ah-eeee!
You stuck with your method.
Yeah, chucking it in the hole.
What you got? I'm feeling confident.
Yeah, man. I'm gonna keep this.
For later tasks.
Woo!
So pleased.
Not many people would have
the balls to call people out
with a crutch gaffer-taped
to a walking stick
gaffer-taped to a funnel.
The thing is, Greg, I just
I love sport so much.
I mean, Jon, do you really
run like that?
He did get it in on
his third attempt.
It took him one minute
and nine seconds.
How long did the shit Dalek take?
He took six minutes and 59 seconds.
Wow, I thought it took longer.
So, it's just--
Just Joe Wilkinson to go.
Let's find out how he
did in part three.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where Katherine Ryan is
desperately trying to win
her own flight companion voucher.
Alex, where are we?
Well, they've all been throwing
potatoes into a golf hole.
Yes, they have.
And once again, Jon Richardson is in the
lead despite having the littlest legs.
And we've just got Joe to see.
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
Oh! We're off.
Er
What if I don't-- If I can't--
If I don't get it?
There we go.
Didn't think that
would happen, did you?
14.3 seconds.
I didn't think
that through at all.
No, you didn't.
Well done, Joe.
Really emotional.
I think that's the best
thing I've ever done.
It's a good shot.
Cheers. Just gonna pop that in there.
- Job done.
- Alright, see you in a bit.
- Yeah, cheers.
- Well done, Joe.
Ah. Yeah.
- Bye, Joe.
- Cheers.
I mean, I don't know how
you feel, Katherine,
but it made me like sport.
It's incredible. Talk us through it.
How were you feeling?
Instincts.
Gut laser-like accuracy.
Yeah, and then, I thought,
"Piece of piss."
Did it another 17 times after that.
What I liked is what you said to Alex.
I don't know if you heard
that, but you went,
"Yeah, you didn't think that was
gonna happen, did you?"
Like you did.
It's incredible. It's so incredible,
I'd personally love to see it again.
- Do you want to see it again?
- Yeah!
OK, here it is again.
That's joyous.
Guys, sometimes it's hard
to be the Taskmaster.
Sometimes you've got
to crush dreams.
That's the most exciting bit of
sport I've ever seen in my life.
Shut up, mate. It's not
like you're going
back to an empty house.
Please don't take it away from me.
Please. Please.
I got a real sense of power
then, for a second.
Joe, it's awful, because
clearly you've got
You've got an awful home life,
we've established that already.
Can I just, speaking as
a fellow competitor,
I thought it was an
incredible achievement
Alright, well--
If I'd done what he had done
I would have wanted the five points.
That's my view, so I'd be
happy to cede it to Joe.
But, you know, it's up to you.
It's really strange,
though, isn't it?
That's a really impassioned
and eloquent argument,
but it makes me more
inclined to take it off him.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
and it's unprecedented,
and don't think we're gonna do
this for the rest of the series,
'cause we're not. It's a one-off.
I'm gonna allow your fellow
competitors to decide.
Oooh.
Oh, dear me.
Good luck, mate.
We should send Joe out of
the room and take a vote.
Yeah, you should go.
I mean, I feel
Four of you there,
you've got one vote.
So, I guess, raise your
hand if you'd like
Joe to win despite the
So, you don't think
Joe should get it?
No.
I think
If you really analyse the slow-mo.
Those couple of centimetres
that he gains over the red
Were you to take them away
and it be a clean shot
that potato would've been
all rim and bounced out.
Even that was lyrical, wasn't it?
"That potato would've been
all rim and bounced out."
I'm telling you, those centimetres
were a crucial advantage.
Do you want to bring him back
in and deliver your verdict?
Yeah, yeah. Go on.
He can come back in but
he can't step on the red.
Come back, Joe.
- Joe
- Yep?
I gave your fellow contestants
the opportunity to save you,
and they were unable to
conclusively do that.
Therefore, on this occasion,
I'm going to have to
say that your attempt
was null and void. I apologise.
Aww. Boo!
- We did our best.
- Not cool.
That is harsh. That's harsh.
This is fucking harsh,
I'm just saying!
Harsh.
We fought for you, mate, but
Alex, how has that affected
our scoreboard?
I mean, you've gone
up in my respect.
If that was even possible.
I just think you're
a wonderful person.
Thanks, mate.
The scoreboard now looks like this.
He's gone from first
to last.
OK, I think we'll have another task
just to try and lift
the mood after that
unexpectedly genuinely
harrowing moment.
Alex, what have we got next?
OK. We've got some language
difficulties.
Have a look.
Alright?
Alright.
You look Swedish or something.
Yep.
Who's that?
"Find out the following information
from this Swedish person."
I thought you were Swedish.
"Find out the following information
from this Swedish person."
Well, I nailed that! I already
know all about you.
"The Swedish person may not
speak or write in English."
"Fastest, most accurate, wins."
"Time starts now."
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Interesting. I wonder if that'll
affect the mood towards Joe there,
because the sigh as soon as he
found out the gentleman was Swedish
was bordering on racist.
I don't like 'em!
Shall we see clever
clogs' attempt?
OK, we'll start with the big
guys, Richard and Joe.
Yes.
What's your date of birth?
OK.
The eighth month. So,
that's August, right?
Ja.
Second of August
Nine nineteen.
Åttioett.
Eighty-eight!
Right.
50, 60, 70,
80, 81.
Ja.
Excellent.
If I pay you money, will
you speak in English?
You would? Is that "aye"? Is that "no"?
Nej.
Nej? Shit.
Father's job again, is a
Yeah, no chance there.
Can you do a mime of
what his job is?
Ja.
Can you act it out for me?
Painter decorator.
Ja.
Oh, God. I should have--
That's so easy!
You frightened of anything?
Yep, me too.
Your greatest fear.
Is your greatest fear
an animal of some sort?
Nej.
Is it heights?
Nej.
Can it be described in one word?
Ja.
Yep. Is the first letter
between M and P?
Ja.
Is the first letter P?
Nej.
Is the first letter M?
Ja.
Is the second letter a vowel?
Ja.
This is mental.
Um, your greatest fear.
What was your greatest fear again?
Misslyckas.
It does sound like--
It sounded like arse-licking.
Probably very offensive. Sorry.
Um, say it again?
Yep.
Arse-licking
This is insane.
"Miss" Hold on.
Am I missing something
obvious here, Alex?
Sort of.
So, is it a fear of, uh
How does it-- How do I
get any points?
Nej.
Nej.
Ja.
This is not in English, right?
As in it's not in
English. You're right.
Oh, so I'm not gonna know
what the answer is.
I cannot think of a way of getting
this information out of you.
Do you know the word in English?
Ja.
How many letters is it-- Has it--
How-- Oh, God.
Can't cope. Genuinely can't
cope with this any more.
- Is it G?
- Nej.
Nej.
- I?
- Yep.
Fear of failure.
Blimey, that's ironic.
And if there was any debate
about who of our contestants
would make the worst
UN ambassador
There he is, right
there. Incredible.
I hated him.
I could see that in both your
eyes and your movements.
And the fact that the only thing
you managed to establish was that
he didn't have an opinion
on arse-licking.
Yep. Half a point?
Very impressive from you, Mr Osman.
Oh, it took a long time.
Give me some statistics.
Well, Richard was slow.
He took 17 minutes
but he got all six items of
information correct.
Whereas, Joe, you were quicker.
Thanks.
You gave up after 16 minutes
and 20 seconds,
after getting all six wrong.
I think it was both our faults.
What's next?
Do you want to see the
little guys? Doc and Jon.
I wanna see, oh, little
Oh, little Jon Richardson!
What is your father's job?
He's an animal?
A vet?
Målare.
- "Molar ray"?
- Ja.
- Dentist?
- Nej.
Can you show me with your hands
what your father does at work?
Ooh, he's a croupier!
Oh, he's a painter and
decorator! Amazing.
Croupier. Fucking idiot.
I've really got to change my lifestyle.
A lawyer?
Nej.
Estate agent?
Nej.
A teacher?
Nej.
Shit. Is he unemployed?
Nej.
Is he a poet?
Nej.
Pretend to be your dad.
Arrive at work and do
what your dad does.
A painter!
Motherfucker.
What would you say
to describe me?
Finished?
Ja.
Yeah, I don't know if that's
an insult or not.
Attractive?
Quite tall?
Nej.
Is it to do with my height?
Quite small?
Ja.
Yeah. Quite small. Short-haired?
This is not good for
my self-esteem.
Did you describe me as tall?
Nej.
Brown?
Nej.
Thank you.
Friendly?
No. OK. Maybe it was an insult.
- Hair?
- Nej.
- Ears?
- Nej.
- Eyes?
- Ja.
Eyes!
Brown eyes?
Nej.
- Small eyes.
- Nej.
Evil eyes?
- Kind eyes?
- Ja.
Kind eyes! That's nice.
Fun chat. It's a lovely language,
isn't it, Swedish?
I wish I understood it.
I'd have really cut that time down.
I mean, a lot to enjoy there,
wasn't there?
From, er, from the world-famous
croupier mime.
I mean, what was said about
Jon by our Swede?
He has kind eyes.
Short hair.
He's shorter than
average. We know that.
Little beard.
- Little beard.
- Little beard.
Quite a lot of information
being thrown at you.
And yet, another man
just short hair. Bam.
Nailed. Done.
- But Doc never got that.
- No, I never got it.
And Jon did get his way to that.
So he was longer, but
he was more accurate.
How well did Doc do?
He was very quick. He only
took about ten minutes.
Just over ten minutes, but he only
got half the questions right.
Oh, that makes sense.
There was more chemistry with Doc
- than with any of the others.
- Yeah, we got on.
- I could sense, like
- You got on very well.
There was one moment
where you'd attempted
certain strategies,
and then you went
incredibly flirtatious with him.
Just with one word.
Do you want to see it? "Friendly"?
Oh, yeah. "Friendly".
Friendly?
You can't fake that chemistry.
I got his number, though,
so who's laughing now?
Yeah, you got the number wrong.
Did we have some statistics for Jon?
I don't know whether you
Er, yes. Fifteen minutes 26.
So he was the quickest,
but he only got five right.
He never got misslyckas correct.
I didn't know. I didn't know.
OK. We'll see Katherine and
the Swede shortly.
Plus, after the break,
all five will
take to our stage for the
final task of the show.
Welcome back to the final
part of Taskmaster,
where four comics and one
television presenter slash producer
will soon find out who has won
not one but two Guinness
World Record certificates.
Yes! But first we need
to see Katherine
tackling the current task of
finding out some information
from our Swedish friend, Fred,
who is refusing to speak English.
OK.
I'll call my friend, Sofie
Hagen. She's really cool.
You're trying to
call a Danish person?
Yeah, uh It's the same, I think.
Hi, Katherine!
- Hi, how are you?
- How are you?
I'm gonna pass you to Fredrik
who is gonna say some
things in Swedish.
If you understand any Swedish
from your Danish
Oh, God.
Can you just tell me
what he's saying?
I'm gonna ask him what
his greatest fear is.
Fredrik, what's your greatest fear?
Oh, "fail"?
Failing? To fail. He's
got a fear of failure.
Ja.
Great. Good job, Sofie.
And now I'm gonna ask
him his father's job.
Your dad's a painter?
Ja.
Great.
And now I'm gonna ask him
his favourite food.
OK, I got fried onion
Uh-huh?
Some kind of meatball.
Steak?
Oh, wait, it wasn't steak.
Roast beef?
Nej.
No, it's not roast beef.
Is it, like, a stew?
Nej.
Is it, like ground beef?
Ja.
Oh, so he likes ground beef.
Like, Hamburger Helper
type of thing?
Ja.
"Cooked po-ta-tos" is gonna
be cooked potatoes.
Ja.
Fried onions.
Was there anything else, Fredrik?
- Lingon
- Oh, yeah, you said lingons at the end.
Mushrooms?
Lingons
Lingon.
Thank you, Sofie Hagen.
OK, "lingon".
Swedish-English dictionary.
Is it a berry?
Mm-hm.
It is?
Like, it's a kind of berry
called "lingon"?
Yep.
Er, a strawberry? Blackberry?
Nej.
Raspberry? Cranberry sauce?
Blueberries?
Nej.
You're having a berry, though.
Lingon. Lingon.
Lingonberry.
It's like a kind of
berry in of itself?
It has no translation.
So, that's it.
Ja. Lingon.
Ja.
- Lingonberry!
- Ja!
So, are we done here?
Ja.
So, I win? Ah, thank you.
Nice to meet you. Yeah.
I mean, why you felt the need
to phone a Danish friend
when you were able to
translate things alone with
"Cooked po-ta-tos," for example.
The way that you untangled
that was incredible.
Statistically, how did
Katherine get on?
Well, despite the lingonberry
blind spot, she was still quick.
Fifteen minutes 41 and
she got them all right.
- So she won the task.
- Aahh.
Richard also got them all
right but was slower.
And then Jon Richardson got one
wrong, but took only 15 minutes.
So it goes one, two,
three, then Doc.
And so, um, yeah.
Joe was last, right?
Joe was last. Yeah, Joe was last.
- Yeah, sorry. Joe was last.
- Good, good.
- Sorry, by a long way.
- Yeah.
We've got some support
workers out there. It'll be fine.
We've only paid for them
for 48 hours, but
you'll be safe for those two days.
Oh, it's hot, innit?
So all that means that
the scoreboard now,
with one task to go,
looks like this.
Smashing.
Tantalising, but we need one
more task to sort this out.
Will you all please head to the stage
for the final task of the show?
And there they all are.
Doc, can you please read
the final task out?
- There we go, Doc.
- Alright.
"Pack for your holiday."
"All items must either be packed in your
hand luggage or worn on your body."
"Fastest wins."
OK, so everything's gotta be
either in there with the zip shut
or worn as if you were checking in.
You need to be checked in.
Simple as that. Packing for
a holiday, fastest wins.
Any questions, contestants?
Could we take our blouses off?
No.
OK.
When you've finished, just
stand next to your bags.
Good luck. You ready, Joe?
Your time starts-- Now!
Oh, that won't shut.
It's got to shut, Richard.
It'll shut, don't worry about that.
Katherine, all these sweets have to go in.
- I'm done, I think, Alex.
- A lot of sweets. Are we done?
I think so.
I don't think you're wearing the
bucket. You can't wear a bucket.
You can wear a bucket.
- Is he wearing a bucket?
- I think so.
You can't wear a spade!
You can't wear a spade.
What?
He's not wearing the piñata!
That's got to be shut.
- Gotta do the zip up, please.
- Not even gonna try.
You have to shut it.
I'm wearing it as a ring!
There's a lot of sweets.
There's a lot of sweets.
- OK, are you done?
- Yeah.
Katherine Ryan is done!
I think two people have given up,
so I think that's probably
There it is!
What a horrendous mess that was.
Alex, did that go as planned?
It went exactly as planned.
I can tell you Katherine came in
third with two minutes 34.
- Nice.
- We're happy with her outfit.
She was wearing the piñata
as a bracelet.
- As an accessory, yep.
- Perfectly acceptable.
Jon, two minutes and four
seconds in second place.
Richard won with one
minute and 18 seconds.
And these two didn't finish!
They didn't finish.
It just went to form though,
really, didn't it?
You were a fabulously
destructive force on that.
Yeah, well, I just felt I
had nothing to play for.
You know? And then I thought
I'd cut my knuckle,
- so I just laid into the piñata.
- Oh, man.
Imagine the angry piñata-based rap
you're gonna come up with.
Let's find out the final scores
so that the winner can finally
get their hands on those
important documents.
We've totted it up and we can
now see the final league table.
A triumph for Richard Osman.
Please go up and collect
your documents!
Well, thank you, Alex.
Thank you, Greg.
Thank me.
Yes, you're right. Thank me.
And what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that
life can be cruel.
One day you're a happily
married sporting hero,
and the next, you're a lonely,
potato-throwing cheat
with no future.
We've also learnt that
tonight's episode
is won by Mr Richard Osman!
Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. Good night!