Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪
[school bell rings]
- Hi, kids.
I hope you're having
a large day.
Listen, I have some
very exciting news.
Just like most stadiums,
we've sold the naming rights
to our school,
so starting today,
we're no longer
Shady Oaks Elementary,
but rather Henderson
Consulting Elementary.
And our mascot is
no longer the Squirrels
- What?
- But the Consultants.
So go, Consultants.
- What the fuck is this?
- Okay, kids, let's get some
Henderson Consulting
energy out here.
Tom, I-I need a word.
- Oh.
- Come here.
- Hey, what's up, Coach?
- Listen, Tom, a rep from
Henderson Consulting is here,
and he wants to speak with you.
- A rep? Why me?
- Listen, I don't know.
I mean, he said,
"I need to speak with
the goofy-looking idiot,"
and I assumed it was you.
- Sounds like someone else,
though.
- Okay, Tom, look alive.
Here he is.
Hank, this is Tom,
the--the goofy idiot.
- Hey, I'm Tom.
- You're Tom.
T-O-M or T-H-O-M?
- [stammers]
- How do you spell it, Tom?
How do you spell your name?
- T-O-M, T-O-M.
- Tom, I'm Hank.
H-A-N-K.
- Okay.
Listen, we've been
watching you in gym class,
and we're a little concerned.
- Concerned. Why?
- Tom, when
Henderson Consulting
bought this gym,
your childhood ended.
- Doesn't sound fun.
- When you step
onto that gym floor,
it's a reflection on our brand.
- Oh.
- It's not just "ha ha ha,
heh heh heh" anymore, okay?
- Okay.
- We need you to embody
our corporate values--
confidence, strength,
integrity.
- All right, I'll just, uh,
dial up the, uh, confidence
and try to be strong.
- That sounds like
lip service to me.
Trying to end
this conversation, Tom?
- I just want to play kickball.
- Just try to step it up, okay?
Or we're gonna need to
downsize you from the gym.
- You're gonna fire me
from gym?
- We don't call it that,
but, yes.
In effect,
we'd be canning you from gym.
- Nelson, could I ask you
a question?
- Sure, buddy, anything.
- Do you think I exude
confidence, strength,
and integrity?
- Nope.
- Just nope?
Flat-out nope?
- Yeah. Absolutely not.
- Yeah, I agree with Nelson
on this one.
- Wait. What?
- Yeah, I'd say you exude
weakness
- No.
- Fear
- No one asked about--
- And a feebleness.
- We didn't solicit
your opinion.
- Tom, I'm sorry.
I have to barge in.
- No. Not now.
- Trust me.
You're gonna want to hear this.
If you want to act like
a confident businessperson,
you got to spend time
around them.
- How? My uncle's
an unemployed ball boy,
and I have no idea
what my mom does.
- Look, don't tell
anybody this,
but I drive a Hertz shuttle
in the afternoons.
- Wait. You have another job?
You're not just the bus driver?
- Yes, that's right, Tom.
I drive a lot
of large vehicles.
- Major breach
of your contract.
- Guess who's in
the Hertz shuttle.
Confident businesspeople.
- You're just saying
I can go watch
businesspeople
on the Hertz shuttle?
- That's exactly
what I'm saying.
You're gonna be swimming
in businesspeople.
- Swimming in businesspeople?
That sounds amazing.
Nelson, you want
to, uh, tag along?
- Uh, as far as invites go,
that's not exactly a "hot one"
for me, but sure.
What's the worst
that could happen?
[soft jazz music]
- Wow. This is amazing.
Look at all these confident
businesspeople.
- Yeah, Tom,
just watch and learn.
These Gold Club members really
know how to talk business.
- Hey, jackass,
where have you been?
My flight leaves in 40 minutes.
- Uh, sorry. Yeah.
- And turn up the AC, dipshit.
It's 1,000 degrees in here.
- Turning it up.
I guess I should've mentioned--
in this environment,
I don't possess the same
god-like status as I do
on the school bus.
- Yeah, this a whole
other persona.
- But did you see
how confidently they
asserted themselves?
Learn from them, guys.
- Hey, there, Bill.
As per our last conversation,
I wanted to circle back
with you.
- "As per"?
I love that.
- We have got to move
the needle, guys.
Move the goddamn needle.
- Ooh, I like that.
Write that down.
- Okay, do not forget--
my door is always open.
- "My door is always open"?
This is like a whole new way
of talking.
- Come on, people, synergy
is the name of the game--
corporate synergy, baby.
- That's a great business word.
Synergy--I love it.
- There's a Y in that.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- How's this?
- There you go.
- Wow. This opens up
a whole new world for me.
Bus driver, I got to say,
thank you so much.
This is a huge help.
- Anytime, Tom.
You see, life is a lot like
driving a shuttle.
- You just drove past
United Airlines
four times now, Captain Idiot.
- Sorry, I-I was
a little distracted.
- Wow. I used to
look up to you,
but you're a real jackass
in this environment.
[whistle blows]
- Okay, kids, look alive
out there! I love it!
- Coach, this new mascot outfit
is not fun at all.
I can't work with this.
- Why can't you work with it?
- How's anybody even going
to know I'm a consultant?
- This company is paying
a lot of money, Randy.
Just find your inner consultant
and let it shine.
- I know next to nothing
about consultants.
- Randy, your squirrel days
are done.
Take the squirrel energy
and make it consultant energy.
- So you just want me
to do my squirrel jumps
as the consultant?
Okay, sure, that reads.
- Shut up and get out there
and move on.
- Fine!
- Hey, what's up, big guy?
Working hard or hardly working?
- What? "Big guy"?
- Mondays, am I right?
- Mond--hold on a second.
- Look at this crazy guy.
Give me a shake.
Put it there, pal.
- What's wrong with you?
- You know what?
Let's put a pin
in this conversation.
Let's circle back.
Listen, gang,
I'm gonna do a quick huddle.
Let's just get
on the same page over here.
You know what I want to see
on the kickball field today?
Synergy.
- I'm sorry, what?
I want you to think
outside the box.
I want to see you guys move
the goddamn needle.
- I'm not following.
- My door's always open.
- What door?
- My proverbial door.
- What are you talking about?
- Hector, when it's your turn
to talk, I'll call on you.
Okay?
[clicks tongue]
- Why are you talking
like a tool?
You don't usually talk
like a tool.
- The only tools that this
squad should be concerned with
are tools for success.
Now, go, Consultants.
All right.
- Are we playing kickball?
What's happening?
- Excuse me,
but could I work for you?
- Oh, hey, Hank.
- Tom, that was
quite a turnaround.
Are you the same kid
who was moping around
like a loser two days ago?
- I wouldn't say that,
but, yeah.
You know, I've been learning
the corporate values.
- Listen, Tom,
we're looking for a kid
to appear in our logo
and marketing materials.
You could be perfect.
- Really?
- Your whole demeanor screams,
"I'm young but with a mind
for business."
- That's amazing. Would I get
paid, or how does that work?
- You're gonna get paid
out the wazoo.
- It's tempting. I'm not sure
what a wazoo is, but, uh
- It's a butthole, Tom.
- Oh.
- A wazoo is a butthole.
- Okay.
- Just ask your mom.
When we get the green light,
I'm gonna present you
at the shareholder's meeting.
- Trust me.
if I've got money
coming out of my butthole,
she'll be fine with it.
- Henderson Consulting,
Henderson Consulting ♪
We're consulting
to the top ♪
- Wow, wow, wow.
This is incredible, buddy.
- Ah, it feels good being
a corporate tool.
I really--I like this.
I like the whole persona.
- It looks good on you, kid.
- Hello. You must be
Tom's mother.
- Yep.
- How do you spell your name?
- Uh, T-O-M'S.
- I love it.
Okay, Tom,
here's how it's gonna go.
- M-O-M.
- The CEO will finish his talk.
Then when I give you
the signal,
I want you to jump in the air
and scream,
"I'm a Henderson Consulting
kid, whoo-hoo!"
- Okay. Do I have to say
"whoo-hoo," though?
It feels a little
out of character.
- Tom, we're paying you
a lot of money.
When we ask you to say
whoo-hoo,
you need to fucking say
whoo-hoo--pardon the language.
- Hey, with what you guys
are paying us,
you can curse in front
of this little cocksucker
all you want.
- That's the attitude.
All right, I'll see you guys
in a few.
Hey, and remember
- Yeah.
- Really land that whoo-hoo.
- Uh, yeah, I think you made
your point clear.
- Good afternoon, gang.
Great to be in front
of all of you.
We're here to talk about the
future of Henderson Consulting.
Now, I know you've seen
all the headlines,
all the scandal.
Listen, put it behind you,
because today
we're talking about building
a brighter future
for our kids, right?
- Yep, that's right.
- Sure, we consulted
on the BP oil spill,
but we're not about oil spills.
We're about families.
- Wait. What?
- What did he just say?
- And, yeah,
we helped orchestrate
numerous
political assassinations,
but we're not about murdering
people for political gain.
We're about communities.
- They do murders?
- Why are they
just announcing it?
- And, yeah, we do have strong
ties to the 9/11 attackers
as consultants.
We didn't do
any of these things.
We consulted.
- Wait. Did he
for real just say 9/11?
- Consult on 9/11--
what does that even mean?
- We're here to help families
and communities.
Now, as a special treat,
here's the boy
who's featured
in our new marketing campaign,
"Because We Care!"
Come on out here, Tom!
- You can't go out there, dude.
These people are evil, Tom.
- They're paying me.
I have to say I'm
a Henderson Consulting kid.
- Tom, our family's
all about morals and integrity.
- Since when?
- You know what?
When you said "since when"
just now,
I was literally trying to think
of a date, and I can't.
- All right, how about this?
I'll say the line, but I won't
say whoo-hoo--is that fair?
- Yeah, that sounds like
a good in-between.
- I'll say the line
but in a droll,
unenthusiastic manner.
- I'm proud of you, Tom.
I'm proud of you right now.
- Look at this kid!
Anything you want to say?
- Um, I'm
a Henderson Consulting kid,
but on moral grounds,
I refuse to say whoo-hoo.
- What?
- This kid sucks.
- Oh, gosh.
- You just shit the bed, kid.
- Tom, get in here.
- What happened?
- What happened?
Hank from Henderson Consulting
just tore me a new A-hole.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Well, he's threatening
to pull the deal.
They think you're disloyal.
- I am disloyal.
That company seems very shady.
- Tom, all companies are shady.
- All companies are shady?
- Yes.
Even the school's shady.
- What?
- Do you know how much
corrupt stuff I do each day
to help you kids?
- Really? What do you do?
- I steal from
the lunch lady's tip jar.
- That's awful.
- I blackmail
the superintendent
of other schools
- That's terrible.
- I embezzle money
from emergency funds,
and it's all for you kids.
- So you have to do bad stuff
to make good stuff happen?
- Exactly.
Now you get it.
Listen, these people
want loyalty.
Let's give them loyalty.
- How would I do that?
- I was hoping
you might consider
- I'm listening.
- Getting a tattoo that says
"Henderson Consulting,
because integrity matters."
- I'm sorry. It sounds like
you said "tattoo."
- 'Cause I did.
- Have you lost your mind?
- It can be so discrete.
It can be on your rear end.
- That's your sales pitch.
You can get it
on your rear end?
- Tom, if we don't
get their funding,
this whole school
goes bankrupt.
- You're telling me either
I get a tattoo on my rear end,
or the school goes bankrupt.
- Pretty much.
- I can't imagine how
we arrived at this situation.
- Tom, are you sure
you want to do this?
- I'm being told
it's the only way out.
- So you're gonna have
a Henderson Consulting tattoo
on your butt
for the rest of your life?
- That's the downside.
That's the downside.
But, I mean, how many people
actually see my rear end?
Half a dozen a year, if that.
- That's a lot of people.
- I mean, my mom, the doctor,
randomly people
pull my pants down.
- Okay, you're right.
You're right.
Other than that,
it's a low traffic area.
- Yeah, this tattoo
is gonna be, uh, very nice.
- Hey, are you the tattoo guy?
- I'm the tattoo artist.
- Oh, hey, I'm, uh, Tom.
I'm your 3:00.
- Uh-huh. You're my 3:00.
I'm not giving a kid a tattoo.
- He's ten, but he's
technically, like, 20
'cause he went
through puberty at nine.
- I'm a very old ten.
- You see the disappointment
in his eyes.
This guy's lived a full life.
- It's true.
- Yeah, all right,
I need the money.
Whatever.
All right, what are we doing?
- I just want a small tattoo
that says,
"Henderson Consulting,
because integrity matters,"
and I'd like it on my rear end.
- Wow.
- What's wrong?
- Would you ask Rembrandt
to paint "The Night Watch"
on someone's butt?
- Rembrandt? No. Probably not.
- Would you ask Monet
to paint "Water Lilies"
on someone's asshole?
- Doesn't sound like
a great painting, no.
- So don't ask me
to do rear-end tattoos.
Just show a little respect.
- So what do you have in mind?
What would you rather do?
- What if we did something
artistic on your upper back?
- Upper back?
- Like a serpent.
- No, relax.
- Or a dragon breathing fire.
And we can have the flames
spell out Henderson Consulting.
- I'm not gonna lie,
I kind of love that.
- You are good.
I'm glad we rode our bikes
six hours to Staten Island.
[indistinct chatter]
[knock on door]
- Hey, Hank-a-roo.
Can I have a word?
- Tom, what are you doing here?
- Listen, I know I embarrassed
you guys at the meeting,
but I wanted to show how
committed I am to the brand.
So I went out,
and I got a tattoo of a dragon
breathing fire onto a bunch
of villagers, and it says,
"Henderson Consulting,
because integrity matters."
And then there's
a bunch of dead eels
and serpents in the background.
- What, now? You got a tattoo.
- Yeah.
- Tom, I don't know
how to say this.
There's no more
Henderson Consulting.
- Excuse me?
- We were dissolved.
And we've been eaten alive
by PricewaterhouseCoopers,
so we are now part
of their company.
- Oh, so I did all this
for nothing?
- Pretty much, yeah,
but, hey,
walk out of here
with your head high.
You had a good run.
- Did I?
I bombed at a meeting,
and now I have a dragon
tattooed on my back.
- Welcome to the world
of business.
[upbeat music]
♪
[doorbell rings]
- This is so weird.
Why did Dakota's mom
invite us to dinner?
Are you guys even friends?
- I'm friends with anyone
who offers me free food.
You should know that by now.
- I thought you call her mom
"The Witch."
- Yeah, we're having dinner
at The Witch's house.
[door opens]
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, Dakota's mom.
- Hey, Tom.
Tom's mom.
- Brad, shut up.
- Sorry.
- I'm so glad you made it.
- We brought
a little something.
- You know, in this house,
we have a policy.
Life is too short
to drink cheap wine.
[laughs]
Oh, my gosh, you know what?
I haven't laughed in so long.
I love to laugh.
[laughing]
- What's the joke?
That we're poor?
- Anyway, we just remodeled,
and I have to give you
the grand tour,
but please take off your shoes.
You know, I don't want you
tracking mud through the house
like, you know, a bunch
of wild animals.
[laughing]
Oh, I love to laugh.
- Jokes really aren't landing,
are they?
- No.
- This is little Dakota's room.
Dakota, tell them
how much your desk cost.
- Rather not. Feels rude.
- Oh, come on.
We got to talk
in wine terms here,
so you can figure out
what's going on.
It cost about
ten cases of that wine.
- Oh, wow. You don't see
a lot of in-house pillars.
- I know.
You've never seen
baroque pillars
in suburbia, right?
The toilet alone cost
more than 100 bottles of wine
from that shitty vineyard
that you brought.
- We understand
what money's worth.
You don't have to compare it
to the wine.
Nice attic.
- I mean, I'm starting
to wonder,
am I in a hell dream?
- Ta-da!
- We don't need to see
the hot-water heater.
- It cost a buttload.
- You know what?
Why don't we
- Yeah, I'm starving.
- Honestly, I am so exhausted
from the tour.
Can we do dinner
some other time?
- No food?
- Goodbye, Tom.
- This was so much fun.
It really was.
Bye-bye.
- Goodbye.
- Thank you.
- Where's the food?
- Ugh, that woman
is a monster.
- That was awful.
- I'm tired of being the poor
family in town, so guess what.
- We're gonna finally move
some place affordable?
- Don't say dumb things.
We're buying a hot tub.
- Mom, we can't afford
a hot tub.
- On layaway, you can
afford anything, baby.
- Layaway?
- Yeah, you just go,
"Ah, I'll pay for it later."
- So you just assume
we'll get wealthy later?
- You just keep it.
It's not about
getting wealthy later.
[knock on door]
Uh-oh, there's the plumber.
- Oh, this is happening?
He's here now?
- Yep. I need you to talk
to him, and you know the drill.
- What is this--
things to say to plumbers?
- Yeah, literally.
Look at the title of the note.
- Hi, kid. Is your mom home?
- Oh, no.
She doesn't talk to plumbers.
Remember, my dad was a plumber.
- Yes, I remember this house.
- Yeah, she doesn't like
the profession.
- Right.
- Weasels and can't be trusted.
- Yes, I recall.
- Anyway, she said to tell you,
"Give us the classiest
hot tub you've got
"and install it
in the front yard,
where the smug B-holes
can all see it."
- No, can do. That's actually
against city code.
- Oh, no. You have to do it.
- I don't have to do anything.
That's why I chose this job,
so no one could tell me
what to do.
- Well, plumbers more or less
have to do what
needs to be fixed.
- Mm, no.
- There have got to be laws
applying to plumbers,
I imagine.
- I mean, the same laws
as everybody in society has
we have to follow,
but there's no, like,
"special laws" for plumbers.
- All right, listen.
It says here in the paper, "If
the plumber gives you any lip,
tell him to shut his pie hole
and just install the thing."
- Um, can I see the paper?
- Yeah.
It's got a whole list
of responses, yeah.
- All right, well, fair enough.
I just need your signature.
And I'll get started.
- Great.
I'm glad you gave in and
you're doing what you're told.
- I didn't "gave in."
I-I'm choosing to do it.
- All right. Agree to disagree.
[rock music]
[door opens]
Hey, how's it going out here?
- Kid, I'm gonna be here
a while.
Can I use your bathroom
really quick?
- Oh, no, we have a strict "no
plumbers in the house" rule.
- I can't even use
your bathroom?
- No. Not if you're a plumber.
Not if you're
a licensed plumber.
- What--I--so you're gonna
make me
defecate in my own van?
- Van. What? No.
I never said that.
- You said I can't go in.
Where am I supposed to go?
- Anywhere--
Starbucks, gas station,
behind a 7-Eleven.
- I can't believe
this is happening.
- What are you doing?
- As a plumber,
this goes against everything
I believe in.
Defecating without
the use of modern plumbing?
[flatulence]
- This is awkward.
- Are you talking out there?
- Oh, my God.
[flatulence]
We should have a policy
against this.
- I hope you're happy, kid.
You just humiliated
a grown man.
I'm sorry, Ma!
Your boy's a failure!
I just took a dump
in Dad's van!
[sighs and cries]
- Um, listen, I have
a baseball game to go to.
If you could just finish
crying, install the tub,
and get out of here,
that'd be--that'd be great.
- What the hell did I just do?
[cries]
- Wow. This is
an emotional plumbing visit.
- Go for third, Tom!
Way to hustle!
- Whoo! Yes, Tom. A triple.
[laughs]
Reminds me of the triple jets
in my front-yard hot tub.
- Uh, what?
- I guess probably you
couldn't afford one of those.
You just have
a standard hot tub
like a bunch of peasants.
- I-I've never heard
of a hot tub in the front yard.
- I mean, I don't know
what to tell you.
I guess, the only advice
I would have
would be to read
classier magazines, bitch.
[laughing]
I love to laugh.
- Well, first of all,
don't call me bitch.
But, you know, I just find it
funny that a gaggle
of disgusting people
like yourselves
would get something right.
- I'm so confused.
Are you two friends,
or what's going on here?
- Yeah, we're like
"Sex and the City."
♪
- Mom, wait.
You invited everyone over
to see our hot tub?
- Tom, remember
the golden rule of life.
The reason you buy
classy things
is so you can rub them
in people's faces.
- Oh, no. Is that the plumber
and my school nurse?
[tires screech]
[rap music]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Hey, what's happening
out here?
- Oh, hey. You're home early.
- Tom, what are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
This is my house.
- Wait, this is your house?
No one told me
this is your house.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Are you two
having sex right now?
- No. What makes you think
we're having sex right now?
- [grunts]
- What's happening?
- Tom, do not look
in the plumber's eyes.
- What's he doing?
[car door opens]
- No, no, no. No, no.
Everybody, beat it.
There's nothing to see here.
- Oh, for the love of God.
Look away, Dakota!
- Yeah, don't look
at this, children.
- Plumber, you need to leave
right now.
- I actually don't.
Your son signed a contract
that I can do this.
- "Until fully paid off,
plumber owns 50%
"of hot tub and can nail
women in it
whenever he damn well pleases"?
What? I signed this?
- Tom.
- I'm sorry, Mom.
I should've read
the fine print.
- Wow. Tom's mom is
running a brothel.
- A suburban brothel?
Now I've seen it all.
This is just disgusting.
- In our defense,
technically, he's being paid
for plumbing.
- Tom-bo.
- Oh, hey, Rick.
Not a good time.
- I haven't seen your mom
in a while--
is everything good?
- She's gonna live indoors
for a few weeks.
She's kind of embarrassed.
- Really? Why?
- We tried to look wealthy,
and now people think
we're running a brothel.
The hot tub just didn't work.
- Hey, Tommy,
hop up on my knee.
- I'd rather not.
- It's worth it.
- All right.
- If you want
to impress people,
a hot tub is not the answer.
- Oh, really?
We were told
it's a sign of wealth.
- Who said that?
- Various pamphlets
and brochures.
- Right. Hillbilly stuff.
If you want to flaunt
your wealth,
you come to my boat,
you invite your friends,
and then you just tell them,
"I co-own this boat."
- Really? You'd do that for me?
- We are neighbors.
And like a good neighbor,
Rick is there.
I just came up with that.
- I got to say--
underneath the slick hair
and the weird personality
and the license plate that says
"BNG CH1X,"
you're a sweet guy.
- That was
my second-choice plate.
You want to know
what the first one was, Tom?
"Dem Titties."
- Oh, that's good, too.
Yeah, two solid options.
[boat horn honks]
Okay, everyone, feast your eyes
on Tom's yacht.
- Wow. This is yours?
- There she is.
- In all these years,
how did you never mention
that you own a boat
named "Dem Titties"?
- You know, we're humble,
wealthy people,
and I don't like to flaunt it.
- This would've gone a long way
with my mom
if she knew you owned a yacht.
[boat horn honks]
- Whoo!
- Oh, no.
Don't touch that, Nelson.
[boat horn honks]
- [laughs]
Yacht.
- Come on, guys, let's relax.
- Tommy!
- Oh, no.
- Oh, God, now, this is life.
Is this what it's always like
in New Jersey?
[laughs]
- Uncle Bill?
- Yeah, you crazy
son of a bitch.
Give me a hug.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Uncle Bill, stop.
- [grunts]
- You came down
from Boston for this?
- I didn't just come down.
I moved down.
- You moved here
just for this trip.
- Yeah, I told those Red Sox,
"You find a new ball boy,
you assholes.
My nephew owns a boat."
[laughs]
- Oh, no. Please, too much.
Too much.
[boat horn honks]
- Let's go.
- All right, everyone, relax.
We just need to wait
for a guy named Rick.
- Wait? Boat owners don't wait.
As Tom Hanks once said,
"I'm the captain now."
- No, Uncle Bill,
put the keys down.
- Actually, Tom Hanks never
said that--it was the hijacker.
- All right, listen, I never
saw the movie.
I never saw the movie. I don't
know what I'm talking about.
- You're not the captain now.
- Tom, quick question--
is this safe?
- Shut up!
- Uncle Bill, you got to
untie the ropes.
- Just enjoy yourselves.
- Oh, no. Please.
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
- What do you think?
You guys enjoying a taste
of the Tom lifestyle?
- Yo, you know
how to live, baby.
- Hi, Mom.
Hey, say hi to the guys.
all: Hey.
- Mom, I'm so jealous
'cause Tom owns a boat.
- You never told me
Tom owns a boat.
Put him on.
- Whoo.
- Yeah, yeah, Tom, my mom
wants to talk to you. Say hi.
- Hey, how's it going,
Dakota's mom?
- I need to know what the hell
is going on here.
- What's going on?
Just standard yacht behavior.
We're just nibbling
on hors d'oeuvres,
enjoying the fresh breeze
in our hair.
- I'm the king of the world.
Where my New Jersey bitches at?
- Uncle Bill, please.
- Wait, who was that?
- Oh, it's Tom's uncle.
He's our chaperone.
- He's the chaperone?
- Oh, yeah,
we're in good hands.
- Hey, ladies,
take off your tops.
- We got the juice box,
bitches.
- Nelson, I'm FaceTiming
with my mom--language!
- Put him on.
Put him on with me right now.
- You don't need
to talk to Uncle Bill.
- Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
How's it going, toots?
- Don't say "toots."
- You listen here,
you Neanderthal.
- Oh, lady, lady, lady. Lady.
- If anything happens
to my daughter
- You sound very uptight.
That's no way to live.
Let me help you.
Get over here.
We'll butt-chug
a few beers together, huh?
- What on earth
is butt-chugging?
- He's kidding. No.
- It's where you drink
your beer through your anus.
It was popular in frat parties,
but I incorporate
in my everyday life.
- Yeah, that's very common.
Very commonplace
among wealthy boat owners.
- You turn that boat around
now, 'cause my daughter
does not have permission to be
there, so this is kidnapping.
- I did not move to New Jersey
to listen to this.
Bye.
[water splashes]
- Tom, did your uncle just
throw my phone in the water?
- Listen, my family's
very wealthy.
We'll get you a new one.
- And get your butt-chugging
tug boat
and bring her
back to the shore.
- [vocalizes]
- Whoo-hoo!
- Oh. Ladies!
- Uncle Bill,
we've got to talk.
- Tommy!
- Hey, Tom.
- You've really got to
take it down a notch.
I'm trying to impress
my friends here.
- Tommy, sit on my lap.
- Lap? Why is everyone--
Wait.
What are you doing?
- Shh.
Life is not a competition.
- It's not?
- You should never try
to impress people.
- Oh.
- When you learn to be yourself
and have fun,
that's when you will feel
truly rich.
- Huh, that's great advice.
- That's right.
- You've really got life
figured out, don't you?
- I do?
- You're not concerned
with your appearance
or having a job or
- What's wrong
with my appearance?
- Kidnapping in progress.
All units respond.
Suspect is a large man
in a speedboat,
possibly drinking beer
through his rear end.
Go, go, go!
- Hang on, kids.
- [screams]
- Hey!
[siren wailing]
- I got to say,
I'm loving New Jersey.
Ah!
[boat horn honks]
all: Whoa.
- Oh, my God.
- Uncle Bill, man,
if you were ten years old,
I think we would be
great friends.
- I feel the same way, kid.
- We the yacht boys.
- Don't encourage him, Nelson.
We got to head back.
Uncle Bill, you're gonna be
in, like, serious trouble.
- Tom, let me impart
some wisdom to you, okay?
- That's enough wisdom.
- On the water,
the laws of our country
don't apply.
[kids groan]
- What do we keep hitting?
- So we can curse,
we can pound beers,
and we can operate a boat
without a license
with no legal repercussions.
It's called maritime law.
[boat engine stops]
- Um, that's
for international waters.
- What now?
- Here, on a lake
in New Jersey,
we are very much
under U.S. law.
- [groans]
I never should've dropped
out of college
to become a ball boy.
Worst mistake of my life.
[siren wailing]
I'm out of here.
- Out of here?
- Uh, you can't leave.
You're the only adult.
- I can't get arrested
my first day in New Jersey.
I'm supposed to start
a new life here.
- You can't leave
little kids on a boat.
[water splashes]
Bill.
[engine rumbles]
- Take care, kids.
Hey, lady, how are you?
[siren wails]
- We are boarding the vessel.
- Oh, no, please, don't.
- Shut up.
This is a forced boarding.
- All right,
who is the legal owner
of Dem Titties, the boat?
both: Tom.
- Tom.
- Me? Oh, no. I don't own it.
- What?
- Did I give the impression
that I owned the boat?
- Yes. The invite said
"Welcome to Tom's Yacht,
an afternoon of pure luxury."
- Oh, no, that should've said
"I live near a guy
who owns a boat."
- I don't like saying this,
Tom, but I'm starting to see
why my mom doesn't like me
to hang out with you.
- What a disaster.
I'm sorry, Mom.
- Why are you sorry?
- I made us look like
the biggest losers in town.
- The second-biggest losers.
Rick got kicked
out of the marina,
so he has a crappy boat
in his front yard.
- Hey, Rick,
thanks again for the invite.
Friends had a blast.
- Shut your mouth, Tom.
Just shut up.
- He's just jealous.
He doesn't have
a front-yard hot tub.
- Oh, yeah.
That Rick is a pathetic loser.
[laughs]
Now, if you excuse me
for one moment,
I have to go
take a poop in my van.
- I'm the king of the world!
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪