The Afterparty (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

1
["GOOD DAY" PLAYING]
[ANIQ] Wow. This is fancy.
[ZOË] Okay.
I let my sister know we're here. Yeah.
I can't believe
she's finally getting married.
And to the guy who owns all of this.
Oh, my God.
[ANIQ] I know, right? Good job, Grace.
[ZOË] Totally. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, they haven't even
known each other that long,
but I'm happy for her. I really am.
- There they are. Hi! [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, wow.
Your mom and dad are already here.
I wasn't expecting to see them until
Hey. I love you,
and my parents are gonna love you.
I just wanna make
a really good first impression.
You will. And you know what?
Maggie's with Brett the whole weekend,
so all we have to do
is relax and have fun.
Yes. Am I sweating?
I feel like I'm sweating a lot.
[CHUCKLES] Hey. Relaxing and fun.
Relaxing and fun.
[SONG CRESCENDOS, STOPS]
Yeah!
[SCREAMING]
[GRACE SOBBING]
Hey, I don't understand it.
Did you just find him like this?
Were you up all night?
[GRACE] What? No, no, no.
He was passed out drunk
the minute I got into the room,
so I I just slept beside him.
[GASPS] Oh, my God. I slept beside him.
Oh, my God. [SOBBING]
My poor boy. He died in his sleep,
just like his father.
As the Hopi say, "Do not fear tears,
for they are grief's mirrors."
Sounds better in
Hopi. It does not rhyme.
This is not good. This is
This is bad. This is very, very bad.
- This is very, very bad.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]
God, such good hair.
You'll never lose it now.
Oh, oh. Ooh. I wouldn't
pet the dead body.
Why?
Hey, can I talk to you in the corner
real quick? No big deal.
- Yeah, we might wanna have a little
- [ANIQ] Not you.
[WHISPERING] I think Edgar was murdered.
What?
[WHISPERING]
You can't just say someone is murdered.
[ANIQ] Look at this.
- It's dead.
- Oh, my God.
I know, right?
Edgar randomly
I mean, tragically,
but also randomly dies
and his pet lizard
also happens to die too?
I don't think so.
Remember how all weekend he was
sharing his food and drinks with it?
I think someone poisoned Edgar,
and his lizard inadvertently
got poisoned also.
Holy shit. Another murder.
You're right. My son was poisoned.
[GRACE'S PARENT, GRACE] What?
Along with his beloved lizard, Roxana.
And Grace killed them both.
- What?
- [CLAMORING]
- No. No.
- Take it back.
- How dare you?
- I didn't
- That's exactly what you said, Aniq.
- What?
No, uh No, I I didn't say that.
[GRACE] Huh?
Grace only met my sweet boy
six months ago.
Obviously, she married him for his money
and then poisoned him
on their wedding night.
- You are out of line.
- No, I didn't.
- I didn't, Zozo. Please.
- [MOUTHING WORDS] I know.
So, this is what's going to happen.
I'm going to call my dear friend,
Sheriff Reardon, Howie,
who is a capable, handsome man,
and he will know exactly what to do.
Isabel. [WHISPERING] Isabel.
[GRACE] No, please. I will go to jail.
I don't think that's a good idea.
- What's happening?
- [WHISPERING]
I'm not sure, but historically,
when rich, white people whisper,
it's never a good thing.
On second thought,
while this is an unspeakable tragedy,
it's not going to become
more speakable over the next few hours,
so we will have to handle
some important business considerations
before notifying the authorities.
No one is to leave the grounds
until that happens.
[GRACE] I don't
think I'd thrive in jail.
[GRACE'S PARENT] I'll take care of it.
I didn't do it, Zozo. I-I didn't do it.
No, I know, I know.
Uh, we will figure this out.
How? Isabel's friends with the sheriff.
She hates me. She's always hated me.
Look, we have a few hours before
the sheriff gets here, so we can
We can, um, uh
I don't know.
H-Hey
Uh [STAMMERS]
I might have a way to help, actually.
[PUBLISHER] Here's the
book cover mock-up.
We're all very excited.
No, I'm excited too.
I quit the force
before my pension came in,
so I really need this to work.
Totally. Um
[STAMMERS] About that,
how is the actual writing coming?
It's going good.
Oh, good. [CHUCKLES]
You know, I was there, okay?
I know what happened.
- Mmm.
- And as I'm writing,
I'm just like, "What?"
That is fantastic.
I'd love to see some pages.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- One second. Hold on. I gotta get this.
- Oh.
Eat my bacon. You're paying for it.
Look who decided to call.
Yeah, I, uh I've still got your card.
[DANNER] So, uh, what's up?
Has there been another murder?
[CHUCKLES] Uh Uh, actually
Stop. Seriously?
I don't know
exactly what I could do for you
because, uh, I quit the force.
I'm an author now.
Yeah. No, I know.
I saw your, uh, Instagram post.
Lot of colorful language.
A lot of profanity there.
Yeah, 'cause I'm a great fucking writer.
Absolutely.
Uh, but, see, you not being a cop
is actually a good thing,
because [WHISPERING]
we can't involve the police.
[NORMAL VOICE] See See,
okay. So, I-I'm at a wedding,
and-and the groom is dead.
And the number one suspect is the
bride, who is, uh
who is Z-Zoë's sister.
Shit, that's bad.
But you're still with Zoë though?
[GIGGLES]
Yeah. I just met her parents
for the first time this weekend.
I was hoping to get their blessing,
'cause
OMG. Are you gonna propose?
[ANIQ] Well, yeah, that was the idea.
But, I mean, this whole weekend's been
a total disaster.
Just anything that could go wrong
has gone wrong.
A-And also, the murder.
[DANNER] You know
what? Hold on a second.
I am so sorry, but I have to go.
- [PUBLISHER] Oh.
- [DANNER] There's been another murder.
Um, who are you talking to?
- Oh, my God. Another one?
- [DANNER] Mm-hmm.
Maybe I'll write another book about it.
But you haven't written this one.
Okay, I'm on my way.
Text me your location
and tell me everything.
Thank you. So, the
bride's name is Grace.
And her husband, the groom, is Edgar
Well, was Edgar, 'cause he's
Wait, hold up. You
know I have a process.
I need to hear the whole story.
So hit me with that Aniq rom-com sequel.
This is not a sequel.
You're at a wedding,
you're meeting the parents,
and another murder happens.
Sounds like a sequel to me.
Uh, whatever.
- [ANIQ] We got in on Friday afternoon.
- [DANNER] Let me guess.
Last time, your story started with
you driving up to the school all alone.
This time,
you're driving up to the wedding,
but Zoë's in the car with you.
- [ANIQ] Yeah. How did you
- [DANNER] Sequel!
Welcome, fair travelers.
[ZOË] Oh, my God. This place is amazing!
Right? It's like Pemberley House.
And the two of you have
your own separate cottage.
Oh. It's good to see you again.
Aniq, I I so enjoyed our double date
to your escape room last time.
As did Roxana.
- Well, we should do it again sometime.
- Yeah.
No, I don't think
I'd enjoy it a second time,
because I'd already know all
the answers. It'd be tedious.
Y Yeah. Uh, we
could do something else.
So, Zoë may have told you,
I primarily deal in antiquities,
but I also do a little something
I like to call "unnecessary knitting"
on the side.
So, I made this for you.
- So sweet.
- Oh.
What a lovely Obama puppet?
It's a tea cozy. It's
supposed to be you.
Yeah, oh Uh-huh.
Yeah, no, I see I see it now.
- It's amazing.
- You're very polite.
Mm-hmm.
Which reminds me, uh,
my mother says hello.
She wanted to be here, but she
was busy with silence and alcohol.
- Okay. Um, official introductions.
- Oh.
Mom and Dad, this is Aniq.
Aniq, Vivian and Feng.
Please, call me the King of Bing.
There is none higher!
Taiwanese shaved ice, right?
Zoë was telling me all about it.
It-It's kind of like
Hawaiian shaved ice, right?
[SPITS] No.
Taiwanese shaved ice
is smooth and delicious.
Hawaiian shaved ice
is sharp like knives.
I wouldn't throw Hawaiian shaved ice
in the toilet.
I'm sorry.
[VIVIAN] Aniq, it's nice to meet you.
Just so you know, we always hated Brett.
Mom.
- He's an idiot.
- Dad.
Well, I can assure you,
I am definitely not an idiot. [CHUCKLES]
Your car is moving.
- What's that?
- Oh.
[ANIQ] Oh, no. Oh, no, no. No, no.
- No, no, no.
- My truck!
No, no. No.
[EXCLAIMS, GRUNTS]
Oh!
[DANNER LAUGHS]
You crashed your car
while it was parked?
That's some funny shit, man. [CHUCKLES]
I was nervous. I left it in neutral.
And it wasn't funny.
He was really upset.
[DANNER CHUCKLES]
No, no. It's rom-com funny.
Like, "Uh-oh, this fool's in trouble."
This is a brand-new truck. It's ruined.
Kyler, film this for insurance, please.
Got him.
Oh, hello?
- No, not him, the truck. The truck.
- Oh. Sorry, sorry.
Aniq, this is Kyler, the King of Bing's
new social media manager.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
You dropped your Obama puppet.
My what?
[FENG STAMMERS]
[ANIQ] So, yeah. Not a great start.
[JAZZ PLAYING]
But I decided the rehearsal dinner was
my chance to show Zoë's parents
I'm good for their daughter.
[CHATTERING]
Unfortunately, for some reason,
I was seated far away at the singles
table with the weirdos
and ex-boyfriends.
[HOUSE BAND SINGING]
Oh, let me guess.
You're also one of Grace's exes.
- What?
- She has a type.
Oh, no. I'm-I'm I'm here with Zoë.
Oh, so you're one of the sister's exes?
No, I'm the sister's current.
Oh, I guess I just assumed she was
with that tall glass of sexy water.
[LAUGHING]
Who's that?
[GRACE'S EX] That would be the best man.
Edgar's business partner.
Calls himself Sebastian.
Probably a fake name.
Hey, do you know anything
about cryptocurrency?
You know what?
I think I'm gonna try and change tables.
So Edgar can tell that
this guy's all mouth, no trousers.
He looks him dead in
the eye, and he says,
"You can take it or leave it.
But if you leave, I'm taking it anyway."
- [FENG, VIVIAN LAUGHING]
- [ANIQ CHUCKLES]
See, now that's playing hardball.
I love it.
Yeah, me too.
You know, I love me some hard balls.
[LAUGHING]
That was awkward,
and then your partner had to laugh
to cover over the silence.
Where were you? I-I was looking for you.
- Somebody sat me at the singles table.
- Oh.
That was Isabel, my mother.
Well, this is the family table.
Are you family?
Because no one told me
that you two were married.
Uh, no. [STAMMERS] We're not
We're not married, per se.
- We're dating.
- We're d dating.
Then I sat you
where you were supposed to sit.
Okay. Well, so, now you've met Isabel.
And this is Hannah, Edgar's sister.
- Well, adopted.
- Oh, I see.
- Oh.
- Oh, if you want.
I would
[LAUGHING]
Aniq, heard you already made
quite an impact.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Because, the car.
Sebastian.
The better man, 'cause Edgar's the best.
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- No kiss for me?
- Uh, I mean, if you want me to.
- I love kissing hands.
- Ooh, no. Crikey. [CHUCKLES]
- [GUESTS LAUGHING]
- No. Not really
Feng, Vivian, sure you want
your daughter dating this guy?
- Hide your hands, everyone.
- [LAUGHING]
The Palm Pervert is at large.
Mine's scared. Mine's very, very scared.
I think that's enough.
Who would like a drink?
Ooh, this is juicy.
You're at the rehearsal dinner.
There's a handsome guy charming your
girl while you're embarrassing yourself.
You know what this sounds like to me?
I know. Sequel.
So, Hannah was just telling us
about these interesting
flower arrangements she's made.
- Oh.
- Yeah, every flower you see before you
is from Hannah's garden of the bizarre.
And some of these are actually
[CHUCKLES] psychotropic.
- Ooh. [CHUCKLES]
- Aniq knows what I'm talking about.
- No, I don't.
- Smoking that [INHALES SHARPLY]
- [ANIQ] No.
- Mmm, what a big surprise.
Table crasher is a drug user.
No, I don't I don't
do drugs actually.
Oh, come on.
[STAMMERING]
I mean, not that I haven't done them.
It's just that I don't, like, do them.
You know what I mean?
I'm not, like, "Oh, get my fix."
- [SEBASTIAN] This thing on?
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]
Quick announcement.
Could the owner of the blue sedan
with the mangled bumper
please learn how to use a hand brake?
[WEDDING GUESTS LAUGHING]
Your car is still rolling.
[ALL LAUGHING]
There he is. The world's worst valet.
It's not that funny.
I'm here to introduce
a very special surprise.
As many of you know, Edgar is not
comfortable in front of crowds.
- I'm not.
- [SEBASTIAN] So he asked me,
who quite frankly can't get enough
of being in front of them
[WEDDING GUESTS LAUGHING]
to introduce a very special guest.
It's a relative of Grace's that
she hasn't seen for a long, long time.
- [GRACE GASPS]
- [SEBASTIAN] But Edgar wanted to do
something particularly
special for today,
so he searched the whole goddamn globe
to find him.
- Oh, my God, he didn't.
- What? What's happening?
Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare to have your socks blown off.
Grace's uncle, Feng's brother, Ulysses.
["AFRICA" PLAYING]
[HORSE NICKERS]
- [GUESTS CHEERING]
- [BOTH] Funcle Ulysses!
[ULYSSES, ZOË, GRACE CHUCKLING]
Funcle? What's that
Oh, yeah. Fun uncle?
That's what they call him.
- [EXCLAIMS] Oh, my God.
- Come, come, come. [CHUCKLING]
If you will indulge a weary traveler,
a toast.
To my dear niece,
whom I love so very much.
I left you many moons
ago, but know this.
You, your sister,
you have always had my heart.
And to Edgar.
Now, normally when one of
these ultra-rich earth-rapers
shows up on my proverbial doorstep,
I'd try to take him down,
- not lift my glass to him but
- Mm-mmm.
but I hear he makes my Grace happy.
However, if you break her heart,
I will slice your throat with
the curved blade of my Yemeni jambiya.
- Hmm.
- I'm kidding.
- [LAUGHING]
- [ZOË CHUCKLING]
- Or am I?
- I don't know.
In the Scythian tribe
of the Central Asian Steppes,
the family will drink
an ancient, traditional wedding
- Aw.
- koumiss.
They believe it brings prosperity
to the newlywed couple.
First, the bride.
- That's me. [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]
Just like
[SWALLOWS]
- Wow.
- Yes.
- [GRACE] Thank you. Wow.
- [ULYSSES CHUCKLES] You are welcome.
[GRACE CHUCKLES]
- And now the groom.
- No, thank you.
Roxana is disgusted by the smell,
and if she doesn't like it,
I won't like it either.
But it's tradition.
Drinking it will mean
you're a part of our family.
You know, I'll drink it. Yeah.
You are?
Oh, I'm An I'm Aniq.
What is an Aniq?
I'm-I'm dating Zoë.
So, you know,
that's why I'm at the main table.
I belong here.
- This guy.
- [ULYSSES] Very well.
Aniq shall drink of my horn.
All right. Well [CHUCKLES]
Bottoms up.
Funcle, what exactly is koumiss?
Fermented camel's milk.
- [GAGS]
- [GUESTS EXCLAIMING]
Ugh. So chunky.
[GRACE GASPS] Mom.
Oh, no.
[DANNER] You spit camel's milk
on the mother of the bride?
[CHUCKLES] I know, right?
More rom-com shenanigans, huh?
Sequel. [CHUCKLES]
[DANNER] No, that's gross.
All I wanted from this weekend
is for your parents to not hate me.
Then what do I do?
I crash my car into your dad's truck,
I blow chunks all over your mom
- [ZOË] And switch.
- Yep.
And then Grace gives me
that beautiful tea cozy,
and then I run it over.
Hey. I promise they don't hate you.
They don't hate anyone.
Well, they hated Brett. That was
the first thing they said, literally.
Oh, my God. Brett! That's it.
Have you noticed
how strange Grace is acting?
Not really. But maybe
she's upset because
I spit camel's milk all over your mom.
No, I noticed it
at the bachelorette party too.
She's acting the same way I did
right before I married Brett.
Like she knows
she's about to make a huge mistake,
but she doesn't know
how to get out of it.
Are you saying that because Edgar
didn't wanna try your uncle's horn milk?
Because I think that was a good call.
They're, like, complete opposites.
Grace is this romantic,
magical weirdo
who loves antiques,
and Edgar is, like, an awkward tech guy
who goes to sleep at 9:30 every night
and has a weird lizard pet.
You know, just 'cause someone's
a little awkward and dorky
doesn't make him
not great marriage material, right?
- Oh. [CHUCKLES] Ooh.
- Look at this, hmm?
Could you just imagine me sitting
here in my finest anime-inspired robe?
Hot.
And a samurai sword, also from an anime.
[LAUGHS]
I'm just saying
it's an odd match for Grace.
Do you think I should talk to her?
Well, uh, I think you love your sister.
Yeah.
So, maybe just feel it out, yeah?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Have you seen my phone charger?
My mom needs to borrow it.
Ooh. Oh, uh uh,
maybe I-I can lend her mine? Yeah?
That way I-I-I can apologize to her
- and show that I'm useful?
- Sure.
[ANIQ] I had no idea
what I was gonna say to Vivian.
I just knew I needed to say something
if I wanted to salvage
getting their blessing.
[FENG] I'm not overreacting.
You always say that. No
- [ULYSSES] Calm down.
- [FENG] No. I'm not
[ULYSSES] We're not
gonna solve anything
[FENG] You know what?
Look, I'm not gonna
let him ruin our family.
It's too late now.
[ULYSSES] It's not too late.
There are things we can do.
[FENG] But what are the options?
The hell?
Aniq?
- Hello.
- What are you doing out there?
- What did you hear?
- Was that guy naked?
Um I-I don't know who that was.
See, I was I was just hiding
in the bushes, separate
Uh, I was
I came to give you this phone charger.
And that's done,
so I'm gonna head back to the cottage
and sleep with your daughter.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Not with. Next to.
Cause we sleep in the
same space, not w
Not that we haven't, 'cause we are a
couple, and we have been for a year.
We're not gonna do it tonight.
Not that we couldn't.
But to say that to you seems very
rude, so I will I'ma take that back.
I'm gonna n
[BREATHES DEEPLY, YAWNS]
[SIGHS] Just g [CHUCKLES]
All this crazy shit keeps happening
and you just trying
to make the best of it
'cause you love Zoë so much.
And I do. I love her very much.
A double, dinosaur-style.
Drag that through the garden.
- What?
- I'm getting me something to nibble on.
- You hungry?
- No, I think I'm good.
Hey. How are you How are you doing?
Um, I was gonna give Edgar
this tea cozy for our honeymoon,
but now that he's dead,
do you think it makes me look
more guilty if I
finish it or if I don't?
I don't know about that.
Um, but what I do know is that
we're gonna get you out of this, okay?
- Huh?
- Aniq is already working on it,
and he was instrumental
in figuring out who killed Xavier so
- He was?
- Yeah.
And there is no
evidence that you did it.
It could've been anyone.
Right. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- I mean, even you could've done it.
- What?
You never liked Edgar.
You made that very clear.
And now we're not married anymore.
- So you got what you wanted.
- Grace.
Hey. Come on!
Oh, boy. [SIGHS]
Looks like our girl might be suffering
from a little hypoperfusion.
Why are you still here?
Did you sleep here?
To the layman, or laywoman,
we call it shock. [CHUCKLES]
I know what you're thinking.
- This is not my first rodeo.
- Mmm.
You would be right,
if by "rodeo" you mean "murder."
- Oh?
- I'm part of a Reddit guild.
We have our hands
on a bunch of these cases.
We've helped solve the Modesto
Strangler, the Bisbee Beast,
even that guy in Stanley, Idaho,
who we think may have hid his
wife's body in a beanbag chair.
- [SLURPS]
- Wow.
Police don't wanna touch that one.
Even though
there were some oddly shaped shadows
in the photos of the beanbag chair.
But irregardless [SIGHS]
another piping-hot case goes cold.
[CHUCKLES]
[DANNER] All right. Wedding day.
Tell me everything.
[ANIQ] Okay. Zoë and I woke up early
and headed to the main house
for breakfast.
- And that's the strawberry.
- [ZOË] Thank you so much.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Oh, there he is. Mr. Groom. [CHUCKLES]
A little underdressed
for a wedding, huh?
I'm doing my morning laps.
Oh, yeah. No, I know.
I was just making a joke.
I like jokes. So does Roxana.
Oh, okay.
Roxana loves Frank Caliendo,
and I love Garrison Keillor.
[LAUGHS]
Oh. Hey, b Hey, buddy.
[GROWLS, BARKS]
- Oh.
- [GROWLING CONTINUES]
Hey. Okay. Please Please stop that.
[ISABEL] Oh, that's Colonel.
He was my husband's dog, but
unlike my husband, he refuses to die.
Well, he seems to have my pant leg.
Yeah, just kick him away.
- Oh. I'm not gonna kick a dog.
- Just do it. Just kick him.
It's the only way he'll respect you.
[GROWLING CONTINUES]
Dominate him.
Just stop that, please. I'm gonna
I'm gon I'm gonna dominate you.
Neither of us want that, but
- [ISABEL] Kick him.
- All right!
- [YELPING]
- [SIGHS]
[FENG] Did you just kick that dog?
- What?
- Did you just kick that dog?
No. Well
[STAMMERING] She She told me to.
She Uh I was dominating him.
As per instructions.
Zozo, I need to talk to the caterers.
Could you please
pick up your Korean uncles
and your Chinese aunties from the motel?
Oh, well,
I was gonna help Grace get ready.
I can do it.
[FENG] I don't know.
It's a family thing.
And if you drive like you park,
I just don't have the bandwidth to
Oh, Dad, let him do it. He wants to.
It would be my greatest honor.
Okay. You're not winning a medal.
You're driving to a motel.
Yes, correct.
[SNIFFS]
What's that smell?
[SNIFFING]
Oh, you know, that's, uh That's me.
I, uh, still have that old camel
milk smell from last night.
So, you know what?
I'm gonna take a quick shower.
Then I'm gonna pick up your family,
and I won't let you down.
[WATER RUNNING]
Hello?
[DOOR OPENS]
Ah. Aniq, it's you.
Habari za asubuhi,
as they say in Swahili.
I slept under the stars last night.
Zoë told me I could use the shower.
The waterfalls near Kilimanjaro
are cleansing but, uh, ice-cold.
- Yeah.
- I can skip it though if you need to
No, no, no, no. Yeah, no.
Uh, take your time.
- You sure?
- [ANIQ] Oh, yeah.
Very roomy shower.
No. I'm good.
- All right. Be done in a jiff.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
[ULYSSES SINGING IN TAGALOG]
[BLOWS NOTE]
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
Pardon me, boy
Is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo? ♪
- [VOCALIZING]
- You know what? I'm just gonna go!
I'll shower later!
["I WISH" PLAYING]
Well, you look like some people
who wanna go to a vineyard. [CHUCKLES]
I'm Aniq, Zoë's boyfriend.
Uh, not family but almost. Maybe.
[CHUCKLES]
[SPEAKS MANDARIN]
You speak a little Mandarin?
[SPEAKS KOREAN]
And Korean.
[ANIQ] I studied up for the weekend.
Please get in. Come on.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [AUNTIE] I like him.
Aniq!
Come with me if you wanna know
the real truth about the truth.
- Um
- We gotta save Grace.
No. You know, I think I'm good.
- I don't know him.
- You know what? [MOUTHING] Okay.
- [ANIQ] To the vineyard!
- [PASSENGERS CHEERING]
- Thank you.
- Of course.
Hello, kind sir. Special delivery.
Right on time, just as promised.
Hi! Hello!
Who are these people?
[CHUCKLES] I, uh I don't
I don't think I understand the question.
This isn't my family.
I said,
"Korean uncles and Chinese aunties."
These are clearly Chinese uncles
and Korean aunties.
No. They were outside the motel.
They said they wanted
to go to a vineyard.
- Who are you people?
- We're here for the wine tasting.
Where is my family?
- Hmm. It's a good q
- [CAR HORN HONKS]
Greetings and salutations.
Look who I found.
Isn't he handsome? Our ride never came.
[SUCKS TEETH]
The more the merrier, I think.
[DANNER]
So Johnny English showed you up again?
What did you do with the randos?
[ANIQ] I swiped a couple bottles of wine
from the caterers,
gave 'em to the group,
and took them back to the hotel.
I was finally about to
take a shower when
[SEBASTIAN]
Ah, there he is. The hand kisser.
Okay. I-I think you misunderstood.
I don't actually kiss hands.
I was just being charming.
You know, it was a little joke.
- I don't actually care.
- I-I don't either.
Edgar needs help tying a bow tie.
[CHUCKLES] I do know
how to tie a bow tie.
Yes. I felt like that might be
in your wheelhouse.
Your personal dresser has arrived.
Aniq.
- Ever seen anything like those before?
- What, the cuff links?
- He's talking about my cryptokeys.
- [ANIQ] Oh.
[SEBASTIAN] Couple of hundred
million dollars right
there. And going up.
You ever dig your snout
in the crypto trough?
No, no. My, uh, snout
is is, uh, crypto-clean.
I'm ready to be tied.
Oh, okay. Great. Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey.
She likes you.
- Hello.
- She never liked me.
Ignore him.
Right on the desk there's a wooden
box. In it are white chocolate chips.
They're her favorite.
- Feed her one. Feed it to her.
- Yep. Oh, okay. Yeah.
You know, fun fact
about white chocolate:
It's called chocolate,
but it contains no cacao,
so it really shouldn't be allowed
to be called chocolate.
Yes. It's an impostor dessert.
- I've always said that.
- [CHUCKLES]
People only trust it
because it's white and fancy.
It's the Bernie Madoff of dessert.
It's, like, an imperialist tool.
But Roxana likes it.
It's one of the only things she likes
that I don't like,
but I like her to feel independent.
- Feed her.
- Oh. All right.
Hey.
- Yum-yum-yum.
- [ANIQ] Oh.
Just scarfing that bad boy down,
isn't she?
Listen. Is there a sweeter sound
than the happy mastication of a lizard?
[CHUCKLES]
If there is, I'd love to hear it.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[BOTH IMITATING CHOMPING, GULPING]
I'm going to leave you gentlemen to it.
- Hmm.
- Yeah. [INHALES SHARPLY]
Well, I'm gonna tie
your tie here for you.
Let's see. Okay.
There we are.
So, you're planning to propose to Zoë?
How did you
Just observation.
You seem very anxious
around Feng and Vivian.
Elevated sweat levels.
You do a weird smile
that looks more like fear than joy.
Not a difficult puzzle to solve.
I was planning to propose this weekend,
but I've just been
screwing everything up.
And there.
[CHUCKLES]
I like you, Aniq.
I think I may have a way to help.
Hey!
Oh, hey. [SIGHS]
Oh, my God. You look amazing.
Oh, thank you. [CHUCKLES]
You're never gonna guess what happened.
Edgar asked me to
be part of the wedding.
He thinks if I'm part of the ceremony,
I can show your parents
how responsible I am.
I told Grace
I don't think she should marry him.
- You what?
- We just got into a huge fight,
and she asked me point-blank
if I think she should marry Edgar,
and I said no.
That's okay. That's That's okay.
[STAMMERS] It'll be It will be okay.
Um, why did you say that?
Well, 'cause obviously she's not happy.
And now she's mad at me,
and I don't know what to do.
[GROANS, SUCKS TEETH]
Is the wedding still happening?
Of course the wedding's still happening.
It's in ten minutes.
- Ten minutes?
- I shouldn't have said anything.
- Do I still smell like koumiss?
- Why did I do that?
I don't have time to shower.
I'm part of the wedding!
[DANNER] Why did Zoë tell her sister
not to get married
just before the wedding?
[ANIQ] I don't know. I was so late,
I didn't have time to think about it.
[HANNAH] We're gathered here today
to witness the matrimony
of Edgar and Grace.
Grace and Edgar have entrusted me,
an anointed rabbi
and registered witch doctor,
just in the state of Arizona,
with officiating these sacred vows
of marriage.
But first,
I'd like to begin with a parable.
[ANIQ] Uh
[HANNAH] Two beautiful hairless mermen
swim through the sea.
- A third merman approaches and says
- Sorry I'm late.
It was a very busy morning.
I had to tie Edgar's bow tie.
- Mmm, very.
- [HANNAH] What the hell is water?
Okay, and now
the presentation of the vow box.
That's me. Edgar asked me
to be a part of the wedding.
So, that's me. [STRAINS] Okay.
I'm I'm the vow box guy.
- Uh, w-where W-Where's the vow box?
- Right there.
Uh, wh Uh, what do I do with it?
Put it on our heads.
[DANNER] What the hell?
Edgar really doesn't like
public speaking. Or he didn't.
So he didn't wanna say his vows
in front of everyone.
Apparently it's a thing
at weddings in Silicon Valley.
It's a thing to put your heads
inside of a upside-down coffin?
Also, it was very heavy.
[STRAINING]
- You got it, babe.
- Thanks, baby.
- [GRUNTS]
- Bend at the knee.
Yeah. I think it's
a little late for that.
And now the vow box.
At this moment. Yeah.
[PANTING]
- [HANNAH] Okay!
- [GUESTS EXCLAIMING]
[VIVIAN GASPS]
[ANIQ GRUNTS, EXCLAIMS]
- Aniq! Aniq, Aniq, Aniq!
- [GUESTS GASPING, EXCLAIMING]
- Hey!
- [ANIQ] No, I got it. I got it.
- How many steps, baby? Okay.
- [ZOË] T-Two more steps.
- Yep.
- [HANNAH] Watch out. He's falling off.
He's like a horse.
- All right. So that's one, two?
- [ZOË] Yep.
Okay. Yeah. That's good.
- [GRUNTS] Whoo! All good?
- Okay. Yep.
Okay.
- Something's touching my hand!
- [GRACE] It's Grace.
- Who's that?
- Grace.
- Grace.
- [ANIQ] Okay.
- [GRACE] I'm in.
- Whenever you're ready, Edgar,
go ahead and pop yourself under there.
I'm gonna use Grace
as a fulcrum, essentially.
[EDGAR] Please don't use
my fiancée as a fulcrum.
I got very few options here.
All right, great.
Now kind of, like, straighten up. And
Beautiful. Great.
- [EDGAR] Ow, fuck!
- [GRACE] Ow! That's really loud.
Oh, my God. My ear is ringing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the vow box.
[WEDDING GUESTS MURMURING]
[EDGAR, MUFFLED]
I know I'm stuck in my ways,
but, Grace, when I look at you
- [SIGHS]
- That awful box was your idea?
Uh, no, it wasn't my idea.
I was just in charge of it.
[HANNAH] And that concludes the vows.
[WEDDING GUESTS EXCLAIMING]
- Fuck's sake.
- Oh.
[PHOTOGRAPHER]
All right, big smiles. This is great.
[WEDDING PARTY CHATTERING]
All right.
Can I get one with both families?
- [GRACE] Yes!
- Come on.
Huh? Yeah, y-you-you think?
Uh, I don't know if I should.
No, the photographer
did say family only.
Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Go ahead.
I'll hop in the next one.
[SEBASTIAN] Okay. Everyone's
thinking it. I'm just going to say it.
Maybe one without the lizard?
Aniq can hold it.
[FENG] I don't know, Edgar.
Guy's not the most reliable. [CHUCKLES]
Maybe you should let Sebastian hold it.
[EDGAR]
Absolutely not. I want Aniq to hold her.
He's strong. He's kind.
He has one of the best escape rooms
on all of Yelp.
And it may not be the most profitable,
the most famous,
but it's the most confusing.
- [MOUTHING WORDS] Thank you.
- [EDGAR] And here.
You can take my mother's purse
and hold it too.
- [CLATTERING]
- [BOTH] Oh.
- I told you he's unreliable.
- Dad.
Well, he is.
["I GOT A WOMAN" PLAYING]
[CHATTERING]
[SIGHS]
Well, at least you like me, huh?
You want an appetizer?
- Oh.
- Whew, I don't know what that is.
Looks like dog food on a cracker.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES] Uh, I think it's poke.
What's that supposed to mean?
Are you asking me if I've been in jail?
- I think you're think of pokey
- Mmm.
And what I said was poke.
Ooh la la.
Why would I be in a French jail?
[SCOFFING]
Okay.
Well, Roxana, do you like fish?
Oh, no.
[WHISPERING] Roxana. Roxana.
[GUEST] Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Roxana. Hello.
- Roxana. Roxana.
- [GUEST 2] Hey!
[GUEST 3] You all right there, buddy?
Roxana.
[GROWLING]
Hey, pup.
- [BARKS]
- Whoa! [GRUNTS]
- [VIVIAN] Aniq?
- Hey.
Why are you under the table?
Did you lose
my impressive son-in-law's lizard?
No. I was playing
I was playing a game with it.
Because it suggested the game.
It's-It's a lizard-
and hide-and-seek-themed game
called hide-and-lizard.
- [DEEJAY] All right.
- What?
Yo, everybody! Put your shit down.
It's time for the dance
with the tall guy and his bride.
Here we go.
["I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN" PLAYING]
- [WEDDING GUESTS APPLAUDING]
- [GUEST 4 CHUCKLING] Aw, yay!
[LAUGHING] Yes.
[WHOOPING]
That's nice.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [ANIQ] I looked for Roxana everywhere.
I mean, everywhere.
Don't be dead.
Don't be dead. Don't be dead.
- Don't be dead. Don't be dead.
- Well, Grace won't talk to me.
Full cold shoulder.
- What are you doing?
- I lost Roxana.
I've looked everywhere for her.
White chocolate's her favorite snack.
What if she fell in and drowned?
- Oh, no!
- Hey, it's okay.
Look, Edgar's lizard is
right over there on his shoulder.
- [ANIQ] How the hell did that happen?
- [ZOË] I don't know.
I've got my own stuff going on, okay?
Hey. No, no. Hey, look, look, look.
I'm sure you and Grace
are gonna be able to patch things up.
You just need to talk to her.
My maid-of-honor speech.
It is literally all about
how much I love her.
She's gotta listen to that, right?
Yeah, that's perfect.
And, hey,
you're gonna do great.
Okay.
- Oh.
- You table-crashing drug addict thief!
Give me my purse back.
You've been hiding it from me.
What? I wasn't hiding it.
I was holding it.
And I did a pretty good job.
Relationships.
There's one, there's two,
and [BABBLING] blah, blah, blah.
[SCATTING]
Who cares?
This is her speech?
- [ISABEL] Yep. Nobody cares. Okay?
- I don't know
whether she's lost her marbles
or if she's just being vindictive,
but she has been so nasty to Grace
all weekend.
You missed it. Mm-hmm. [SMACKS LIPS]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
- [GUEST CHUCKLES]
No, don't clap. Don't clap.
I don't need your pity.
Okay.
[DEEJAY] And here with the next toast
is the maid of honor, aka the sister,
and definitely my type. Zoë!
Save me a dance.
[WEDDING GUESTS APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
[BREATHES HEAVILY, CLEARS THROAT]
Grace, you are my sister, but you
- [SCREECHING]
- [GUESTS EXCLAIMING]
[MOUTHING WORDS] What is that?
[MOUTHING WORDS] Go on.
[SCREECHING STOPS]
Um, but you are so much more
[SCREECHING RESUMES]
[STAMMERS]
- [SCREECHING STOPS]
- a sibling.
- You're a confid
- [SCREECHING RESUMES]
Uh, whoever's making that sound,
please stop.
Roxana hates it.
[SCREECHING STOPS]
Okay. Uh, yeah, next speech.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Oh, come on. You
can do better than that.
[CHEERING, WHISTLING]
[SEBASTIAN] That's more like it.
Yeah!
[SEBASTIAN] Ah, there we are.
Ladies, gentlemen, reptiles.
[LAUGHING]
I speak for us all when I say,
we are so delighted that you have
found someone that
truly understands you,
that makes you a better man,
and looks damn fine whilst doing it.
But enough about me.
[LAUGHING]
- Hey, are you okay?
- [SEBASTIAN CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
[ZOË] Fucking Edgar. Ugh.
And please, let us raise a
toast to the happy couple.
[GUESTS] To the happy couple! Cheers!
[DANNER] Whoa. Zoë was pissed, huh?
[ANIQ] Yeah. I didn't know what to do.
But I still smelled like koumiss, so I
showered and headed to the after-party.
- [JAZZ PIANO PLAYING]
- Okay. [CHUCKLES] That was pretty good.
[ANIQ] And even though
everything had gone wrong,
I knew if I was going to get
Zoë's parents' blessing,
this was my last chance.
- [WEDDING PARTY CHATTERING]
- [GRACE] But don't make it easy for me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[ANIQ] I just wanted to, uh, apologize.
I-I just really want you to like me.
I can see that.
Do you know who you remind me of?
Hmm. Uh, no, who?
Brett.
Brett? Okay. How so?
He was always trying to impress us.
So concerned with what we thought of him
when all we wanted was
for him to care about Zoë.
[DANNER] Ouch! That is not a blessing.
[ANIQ] No, it's not.
You're all devils!
[CHUCKLES] I see you.
You're all devils.
You're a devil. You're a devil.
You're a devil. You're a devil.
And even that bounding hound of hell
Okay. That's enough. We're gonna
I don't trust him.
Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Dad. Sorry, everyone.
Um, as you can tell,
my beloved is "in his cups,"
as they used to say,
so we are going to
retire for the evening,
- because he's embarrassing me. Um.
- Pterodactyl who drinks.
[GRACE] We just wanna say, on behalf
of both of us, thank you for being here!
It's the happiest
night of our lives, so
The world will little note
nor long remember what we say here.
Take this child to bed.
Lincoln. Read a book!
That's the best speech of the night.
[LAUGHS, STAMMERS]
[DANNER] You think he knew
someone was trying to kill him?
[ANIQ] I don't know.
He was really drunk.
And then, the next morning
[GRACE SCREAMING]
[ANIQ] The end.
[DANNER] Not the end.
I'm gonna help you solve this murder
and get you that blessing.
Really? After everything I told you,
you think that's possible?
[DANNER] You deserve a Hollywood ending.
And I'm gonna get it for you.
But you told this whole story,
and the one person you barely
mentioned at all was the bride.
Who's accused of murder.
Well, it's-it's just
It's just,
I-I really don't think Grace did it.
[DANNER]
What are you not telling me, Aniq?
O-Okay, fine.
There are a couple things.
Bu B-But I just need you to swear
that you won't tell Zoë
or her parents that
you heard it from me.
[DANNER] Okay.
[ANIQ] So, during the photos,
I saw Grace and Edgar fighting.
Then, in the middle
of the first dance
[WATCH BEEPS]
- I have to go.
- Hmm?
Edgar just left.
Then, on my way to the after-party,
I saw Grace outside the library.
And she was putting
something in a drink.
And she handed it to Edgar.
[DANNER] Aniq! You saw
Grace poison Edgar's drink?
I mean,
I don't know it was poison for sure.
Why is your voice so loud?
Are you in the house?
This is not a house. It's an estate.
And judging by how many stairs I see,
I know they gotta have
at least six bathrooms in here.
Oh, fuck.
Ooh, what's your name? You fine as hell.
- Sebastian.
- Travis.
Aniq! What did you tell her?
Did you say Grace poisoned him?
[DANNER] All right, everybody.
We got a dead body
and a whole lot of people to talk to,
so let's have some fun. [SQUEALS]
Got you some nuggets.
Oh, no.