The Boondocks s02e01 Episode Script
...Or Die Trying
ANNOUNCER: It was a perfect day.
I love you, Mommy.
ANNOUNCER: It was a perfect plan.
MAN: This is our target: The nuclear power plant.
If we capture the plane at precisely the right moment, they will not have time to shoot down the aircraft.
ANNOUNCER: MAN: If they hit that power plant with that aircraft, the casualties could be in the hundreds of thousands.
God help us all.
ANNOUNCER: Everything was perfect.
ANNOUNCER: except What? What is this CPT? WOMAN: That means the plane is gonna get here when it gets here.
[RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES.]
ANNOUNCER: They picked the wrong airline.
And don't come up here complaining and shit.
You motherfuckers wanna come on here and act a goddamn fool? I'm about to go on break.
You motherfucking terrorists kill me.
ANNOUNCER: ANNOUNCER: Come see why black incompetence- Hey, hey! Whoo, whoo! Goddamn, that bitch phat as a motherfucker.
-is our funniest weapon in the war on terror.
We can't let you through, homey.
Hey, this is Osama bin Laden nephew, nigga.
Well, I- I'm- I'm once removed.
I-I No- I just fucking with you, dawg.
Go ahead, nigga.
ANNOUNCER: Starring Gary Anthony Williams.
You know what they say: When it's your time to go, it's your time to go.
John Witherspoon.
What if it's the motherfucker next to me time to go? Huh? Mo'Nique.
It's very important this plane leave on time.
Damn.
Now, are you yelling at me or shitting at me? Snoop Dogg.
Hijacked? Them niggas ain't getting my wizzie fo' shizzle, nigga.
You know what I'm saying? And 50 Cent as Air Marshal 50 Cent.
I'll stop those terrorists or die trying.
ANNOUNCER: Get ready.
This time, it's going down.
This is a hijacking.
Remain in your seats No, this nigga didn't.
We have a bomb on the aircraft.
Everyone remain [GRUNTING.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
[FISTS THUDDING.]
I'm about to go get dressed.
? Soul Plane? ? Soul Plane? We gonna fly on the Soul Plane! [SIGHS.]
I am the stone The builder refused I am the visual The inspiration That made lady Sing the blues I'm the spark That makes your idea bright The same spark That lights the dark So that you can know Left from right I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun The inner glow That lets you know To call your brother sun The story that just begun The promise Of what's to come And I'm 'a remain a soldier Till the war is won Won Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop [?.]
GRANDDAD: Riley, hurry up.
? Soul Plane, Soul Plane? ? Soul Plane? We gonna fly on the Soul Plane! And make sure you pee.
I ain't gonna miss my movie going to the bathroom with you.
I'm gonna let you go in by yourself and get molested by a nasty white man.
What's wrong with you? I don't wanna go to the movie.
Why not? I don't ever wanna go with you again.
Not after what happened last time.
What happened last time? We got arrested.
And shot at.
Ah.
Racism.
Daddy said I can go to the movies, but he said I'm not allowed to see Soul Plane.
Good.
You don't wanna go to the movies with him.
He's crazy.
Hush.
Can't see Soul Plane? Why, little baby? Because of the types of stereos or something.
Types of stereos? Oh.
No, no, no, little baby doll.
This is a good theater.
They have THX.
[HUMS.]
She means stereotypes.
Stereotypes? In Soul Plane? That's nonsense.
Say, how about we tell your daddy we saw something else, hm? [GASPS.]
You mean lie? That doesn't seem to be a good idea.
Hush, boy.
You know, it's okay to break the rules every once in a while.
I won't tell if you won't.
Okay.
Hee-hee.
[CHUCKLES.]
HUEY: Sometimes I think Granddad may be a bad influence.
Hey, Riley.
Don't forget the camcorder.
Now, the first Soul Plane was funny.
Pfft.
About as funny as a lynching.
Oh, hush, boy.
You ain't even see it.
I never seen a lynching either, but I know they not funny.
See? Shows what you know.
I've seen funny lynchings.
No, you haven't.
I have so.
Roscoe Patterson's lynching was funny.
Yeah, so them niggas was like: "Roscoe, you better leaves town "before Mr.
Charlie and them crackers gonna come for you.
" I'm like, "Man, fuck them crackers, man.
This is Roscoe Patterson.
" Nigga, I don't give a fuck.
I just don't give a fuck.
Know what I'm saying? White man can eat a dick.
Eat my balls, nigga.
MAN: There he is! Get that nigger.
Uh-oh.
[MAN SHOUTS.]
Come on, let's go! MAN: Oh, shoot, he's fast! Watch out! It, uh, wasn't really funny after that.
Mm-mm.
This is gonna be so much fun.
This is going to be [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
the worst day of your life.
I'm bringing nunchucks.
Huh? [?.]
Here, put these coats on.
Huh? GRANDDAD: Here you go.
What is it? It's pinto beans and neck bones.
Now put this meat loaf and gravy under your shirt.
Why don't we just get treats from the concession stand? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
You think I'm paying $20 for some popcorn? You must be out of your damn mind.
Are we allowed to bring in food? Of course we're allowed to.
It's my food, isn't it? I paid for it.
That means I can eat it when and where I want.
Put this pot roast in your pants, or you ain't eating.
Oh, this is nothing.
He's just getting started.
HUEY: Robert Jebediah Freeman had sworn a lifetime intifada against the movie theater industry for exorbitant prices and poor customer service, which, interestingly enough, did not stop him from going to see movies.
Okay, gang.
Keep your eyes open.
Open for what? We're sneaking in.
[GASPS.]
That's not true, little baby.
I bought my tickets online.
Scout's honor.
Look.
Granddad.
I got some money saved.
The movie will be on me.
Now, you put that away, boy.
These movie devils ain't getting any more of our money.
[EXHALES.]
Mm-mm.
Uh Mr.
Freeman? It says, "No outside food," little girl.
That's why we keep it inside our clothes.
Are you sure this is legal? Okay, everybody, look alive now.
Here's our chance.
I understand you need your job, but you're still a human being with dignity.
Yeah, I mean, look at this uniform.
I look like a fucking dork.
Why'd they make me dress like this? What did I do to them, huh? You should take action.
Ah.
What can I do? [BAGS CRINKLING.]
Had you ever thought about forming a union? What's a "union"? MAN: Hey, hey, hey! Hey! I paid.
I got my ticket.
Yeah, yeah.
I got a ticket for you.
A one-way ticket to "Get the hell out of here, negro" land.
Go on! Move it! [GROANS.]
Nigga, you gay.
How about that? Another victory of the common man over corporate greed.
You're not advancing any struggle by being cheap, Granddad.
I'll advance my belt on your behind if you don't shut your ass.
Oh, my God.
I didn't pay to get in the movie.
Uh, yes, we did.
I- I ordered my tickets online.
Who got the neck bones? No, you didn't.
[PANTING.]
We snuck in.
We stole a movie.
Now, who makes the rules? Grownups, right? And I'm grown up, and I say it's okay.
We're gonna get caught.
We're gonna get caught.
I should call my daddy and turn myself in.
Oh, yeah? You gonna tell him what you came to see, huh? I bet he'd like to know that.
Maybe I should make a phone call.
No.
Please, no.
Good.
Now just calm down.
Try some mashed potatoes.
Who got the popcorn? I do, Granddad.
[GRUNTS.]
Ow! Hey.
What the hell is wrong with you? What am I gonna do with raw popcorn? You're gonna ruin my dentures.
Whew.
Damn, can't watch a movie without popcorn.
Now I gotta spend all my damn money on a bucket of popcorn.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING.]
Told you.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
ANNOUNCER: [WHIMPERING, SHRIEKING.]
[SCREAMS, SOBS.]
Oh.
Help me.
ANNOUNCER: WOMAN: I'll give you anything.
Ah! ANNOUNCER: [SCREAMS.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
ANNOUNCER: Don't steal movies.
[?.]
GRANDDAD: Damn.
Large freshly popped popcorn, please.
And lots of butter.
Anything else? I asked for butter on it.
Butter's over there.
[INSECTS BUZZING.]
I don't wanna put the butter on it.
Why can't you do it? You're supposed to put it on.
I don't wanna put it on.
I'm already paying $20 for this bullshit popcorn.
I will not demean myself by putting butter on popcorn.
Why? It's really easy.
Why? Because I don't work at the movie theater, that's why.
You're supposed to put the butter on it.
If I go to Burger King and order a cheeseburger, they don't make me put the cheese on it, damn it! I see, I see.
Just 'cause your skin is light, bright and two shades from being white, you think you too good to butter your own popcorn.
Well, you wrong, Lando Calrissian.
Damn it, Ruckus.
Y'all gonna put some butter on this popcorn.
[?.]
We put our lives on the line every day to make movies, and then people come along and steal all that hard work.
Who would do something like that? A terrible, awful human being that no one will ever love.
That's who.
[SOBBING.]
I'm so sorry, Mr.
Stuntman.
[BOOS.]
Hey.
Get to the flick.
What happened to the movies? Y'all should be ashamed.
Why is it when I order a soda pop, I get a empty cup? I didn't order a empty cup.
I ordered a soda pop.
And what asshole put commercials in movies? I can see commercials at home on TV.
And the bathroom stink.
Clean the fucking bathroom! I'm not gonna take it anymore! I pay too much damn money for these movie tickets to butter my own motherfucking popcorn! It's only popcorn.
[SCREAMS.]
When did you get here? Huh? Well, I been at the ticket window all day long, and I don't remember you buying no ticket, Robert Freeman.
Uh, I-I-I got my tickets online.
Aha! A damn lie.
I ain't never met a nigga smart enough to use a personal computer.
Not even a Macintosh.
Uh You'll never take me alive, you punk-asses.
RUCKUS: Stop him! Come on, come on.
[PANTING.]
He went this-a way.
[?.]
Mm-hm.
Whew.
Did I miss anything? Mr.
Freeman I don't wanna steal the movie.
I wanna go home! Shh! [JAZMINE SOBBING.]
What's wrong with you? [SOBBING.]
I wanna go home.
You wasn't saying that back at the house, was you? Was you? Because you wanted to see Soul Plane 2.
Well, this is how we see Soul Plane 2.
I repeat, the terrorist said his name is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and he's demanding that we Hell, no, I ain't fitting to ask him for his motherfucking autograph.
HUEY: An hour into the movie, I wasn't sure how much more I could take.
MAN: We out of food, but we got one bag of 'tato chips.
Yo.
Look out.
Pass this bag of chips around.
Please take one.
Pass it- He's in here.
I know Robert.
He don't miss a coon flick.
What is it? What's happening? Shh.
Don't make a sound.
[MUFFLED WORDS.]
[?.]
MAN 2 [ON-SCREEN.]
: Ooh.
Damn.
Let's go check Madea's Bat Mitzvah.
MAN: Attention, please, passengers.
If you left the toilet seat up in the restroom- [GRUNTS.]
[PANTING.]
Officer, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to steal from the stuntman.
[SHRIEKS.]
[MUFFLED SHRIEK.]
What were you about to do? You were about to rat on us, weren't you? This is what the movie theater industry wants, Jazmine.
Us fighting against each other.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, no.
There's no turning back now.
You're in it all the way.
Now you're gonna get your little narrow, high-yellow ass back into the theater and enjoy Soul Plane 2.
[PANTING.]
I wanna go home! Shut up.
You're ruining my innocence! GRANDDAD: Shut up.
MAN: I expected to fly first-class.
[SOBBING.]
I wanna go home.
MAN 2: Well, you ain't in first class.
[LAUGHING.]
Look at this.
Granddad.
What's wrong with Jazmine? [LAUGHING.]
[BLOWS NOSE, SOBBING.]
She's fine.
Watch the movie.
Oh, that's crazy.
[LAUGHING.]
Look at this.
I wanna go home.
HUEY: Granddad had to be stopped.
I'm gonna put an end to this or die trying.
HUEY: And so did this movie.
Fortunately, I thought of a way to do both.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Move, nigga.
Where you going? They're looking for us.
Huey, come back.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, this is crazy.
Colored folks are something.
[?.]
HUEY: My plan was to get to the projector room and destroy the print of Soul Plane.
First, I had to go to the bathroom.
[LAUGHING.]
Jazmine, you're missing all the best parts.
I'm not watching a stolen movie.
Oh, well.
If you don't wanna laugh.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's crazy.
What's so funny? Oh, nothing.
Hilarity just ensued, that's all.
It did? [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh! That was funny.
Hm? Ah.
[?.]
RUCKUS: It's about impossible to find his black ass in this dark theater.
Yo.
I think we need to shake the spizzot.
Huh? What? [JAZMINE GIGGLING.]
[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON-SCREEN.]
Forget Jazmine.
Let's go.
But we couldn't.
She the weak link.
She'll slow us down.
I mean, how could we? Look, she a little girl.
They're not gonna give her no real time.
She do what? A couple months, tops.
But we both got priors.
We gots to go.
Come on, Granddad.
We running out of time.
[COCKS.]
Sometimes, in order to save the day, people have to sacrifice themselves, you know what I'm saying? [SOBBING.]
Oh, Air Marshal 50 Cent.
You're so brave to sacrifice yourself to save us.
Not me, bitch.
You.
Oh! Wait! Oh.
Oh.
[SCREAMING.]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING, GUNSHOTS.]
Hey.
Hold this.
We be right back.
Okay.
[?.]
Exactly.
See, what Marx is saying is that the oppression of the proletariat is an essential facet of the exploitation inherent in the system.
Therefore, due to the class [?.]
You little half-and-half.
[SHRIEKS.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
HUEY: Oh, man.
He's in there.
What-? What happened to my-? Damn.
[PANTING.]
He's right there! [ALARM BLARING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Hey! [PANTING.]
GUARD: Yeah.
[SCREAMS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
[GRUNTS.]
RUCKUS: Ah [?.]
I been waiting on this day since your little uppity ass came into town.
[SNIFFS.]
You won't kill me, Air Marshal 50 Cent.
You'll only die trying.
But I will kill you.
[RECORD SCRATCHES.]
Or, uh, I'm, uh- Or Or I'm gonna die trying.
What? What? You thought you was the only one who mastered the ancient and deadly art of the nunchaku? [?.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Here's 50.
Ah Come, negro-san.
[GRUNTING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
That was great, Granddad.
Boy, I wish we could've seen the end of that movie.
I don't know.
I feel bad for leaving Huey and what's-her-name.
They knew the risks.
So they might do a little time.
We see 'em when they get out.
Uh it doesn't seem right.
I'm going back and turning myself in.
Turn yourself-? Man Granddad, look, come on.
I mean, I love Huey.
Almost like a brother.
But what's done is done.
We got to let go of the past.
If he don't come back, can I have his side of the room? [?.]
Ah, come on, Granddad.
You supposed to be setting a better example.
You just wait till the manager gets here.
He gonna throw the book at both of y'all.
This is the worst day of my entire life.
Told you.
Here's the guardian for the kids.
That's right, Ruckus.
We snuck into the movie too.
We? You said you was gonna turn yourself in.
Please.
Let the kids go.
I'll take responsibility.
[CACKLES.]
Look like y'all all going down.
The manager's not coming.
Cinema's closed indefinitely.
Looks like everyone walked out.
Something about a union.
RUCKUS: What? The manager ain't coming? Well, call the police.
[CHAIR CLATTERS.]
The FBI.
Homeland Security.
You mean, we gonna let this African hooliganism go unpunished? You have problems, Mr.
Freeman, and you need help.
Thanks for coming back eventually.
Yo, you need to stop snitching, Granddad.
Ah.
Ow.
Hey.
Why don't you call social services and turn yourself in for child abuse? [HAND SLAPS, RILEY YELPS.]
[?.]
Hey, man.
You guys unionized and staged a walkout that quickly? That's amazing.
Oh, yeah.
We unionized.
Then someone called headquarters, and they shut down the whole place.
Fired everybody.
Oh.
Well, um power to the people? Fuck you.
[?.]
Well, that's that.
I think we all learned a valuable lesson today about stealing movies.
Buy the bootleg.
Or just download it from the Internet like everybody else.
[?.]
Hey.
Can you guys wait here a sec? There's something I need to take care of.
[YELLS.]
[GROWLING.]
[SCREAMING RISING IN VOLUME.]
[?.]
I love you, Mommy.
ANNOUNCER: It was a perfect plan.
MAN: This is our target: The nuclear power plant.
If we capture the plane at precisely the right moment, they will not have time to shoot down the aircraft.
ANNOUNCER: MAN: If they hit that power plant with that aircraft, the casualties could be in the hundreds of thousands.
God help us all.
ANNOUNCER: Everything was perfect.
ANNOUNCER: except What? What is this CPT? WOMAN: That means the plane is gonna get here when it gets here.
[RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES.]
ANNOUNCER: They picked the wrong airline.
And don't come up here complaining and shit.
You motherfuckers wanna come on here and act a goddamn fool? I'm about to go on break.
You motherfucking terrorists kill me.
ANNOUNCER: ANNOUNCER: Come see why black incompetence- Hey, hey! Whoo, whoo! Goddamn, that bitch phat as a motherfucker.
-is our funniest weapon in the war on terror.
We can't let you through, homey.
Hey, this is Osama bin Laden nephew, nigga.
Well, I- I'm- I'm once removed.
I-I No- I just fucking with you, dawg.
Go ahead, nigga.
ANNOUNCER: Starring Gary Anthony Williams.
You know what they say: When it's your time to go, it's your time to go.
John Witherspoon.
What if it's the motherfucker next to me time to go? Huh? Mo'Nique.
It's very important this plane leave on time.
Damn.
Now, are you yelling at me or shitting at me? Snoop Dogg.
Hijacked? Them niggas ain't getting my wizzie fo' shizzle, nigga.
You know what I'm saying? And 50 Cent as Air Marshal 50 Cent.
I'll stop those terrorists or die trying.
ANNOUNCER: Get ready.
This time, it's going down.
This is a hijacking.
Remain in your seats No, this nigga didn't.
We have a bomb on the aircraft.
Everyone remain [GRUNTING.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
[FISTS THUDDING.]
I'm about to go get dressed.
? Soul Plane? ? Soul Plane? We gonna fly on the Soul Plane! [SIGHS.]
I am the stone The builder refused I am the visual The inspiration That made lady Sing the blues I'm the spark That makes your idea bright The same spark That lights the dark So that you can know Left from right I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun The inner glow That lets you know To call your brother sun The story that just begun The promise Of what's to come And I'm 'a remain a soldier Till the war is won Won Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop [?.]
GRANDDAD: Riley, hurry up.
? Soul Plane, Soul Plane? ? Soul Plane? We gonna fly on the Soul Plane! And make sure you pee.
I ain't gonna miss my movie going to the bathroom with you.
I'm gonna let you go in by yourself and get molested by a nasty white man.
What's wrong with you? I don't wanna go to the movie.
Why not? I don't ever wanna go with you again.
Not after what happened last time.
What happened last time? We got arrested.
And shot at.
Ah.
Racism.
Daddy said I can go to the movies, but he said I'm not allowed to see Soul Plane.
Good.
You don't wanna go to the movies with him.
He's crazy.
Hush.
Can't see Soul Plane? Why, little baby? Because of the types of stereos or something.
Types of stereos? Oh.
No, no, no, little baby doll.
This is a good theater.
They have THX.
[HUMS.]
She means stereotypes.
Stereotypes? In Soul Plane? That's nonsense.
Say, how about we tell your daddy we saw something else, hm? [GASPS.]
You mean lie? That doesn't seem to be a good idea.
Hush, boy.
You know, it's okay to break the rules every once in a while.
I won't tell if you won't.
Okay.
Hee-hee.
[CHUCKLES.]
HUEY: Sometimes I think Granddad may be a bad influence.
Hey, Riley.
Don't forget the camcorder.
Now, the first Soul Plane was funny.
Pfft.
About as funny as a lynching.
Oh, hush, boy.
You ain't even see it.
I never seen a lynching either, but I know they not funny.
See? Shows what you know.
I've seen funny lynchings.
No, you haven't.
I have so.
Roscoe Patterson's lynching was funny.
Yeah, so them niggas was like: "Roscoe, you better leaves town "before Mr.
Charlie and them crackers gonna come for you.
" I'm like, "Man, fuck them crackers, man.
This is Roscoe Patterson.
" Nigga, I don't give a fuck.
I just don't give a fuck.
Know what I'm saying? White man can eat a dick.
Eat my balls, nigga.
MAN: There he is! Get that nigger.
Uh-oh.
[MAN SHOUTS.]
Come on, let's go! MAN: Oh, shoot, he's fast! Watch out! It, uh, wasn't really funny after that.
Mm-mm.
This is gonna be so much fun.
This is going to be [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
the worst day of your life.
I'm bringing nunchucks.
Huh? [?.]
Here, put these coats on.
Huh? GRANDDAD: Here you go.
What is it? It's pinto beans and neck bones.
Now put this meat loaf and gravy under your shirt.
Why don't we just get treats from the concession stand? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
You think I'm paying $20 for some popcorn? You must be out of your damn mind.
Are we allowed to bring in food? Of course we're allowed to.
It's my food, isn't it? I paid for it.
That means I can eat it when and where I want.
Put this pot roast in your pants, or you ain't eating.
Oh, this is nothing.
He's just getting started.
HUEY: Robert Jebediah Freeman had sworn a lifetime intifada against the movie theater industry for exorbitant prices and poor customer service, which, interestingly enough, did not stop him from going to see movies.
Okay, gang.
Keep your eyes open.
Open for what? We're sneaking in.
[GASPS.]
That's not true, little baby.
I bought my tickets online.
Scout's honor.
Look.
Granddad.
I got some money saved.
The movie will be on me.
Now, you put that away, boy.
These movie devils ain't getting any more of our money.
[EXHALES.]
Mm-mm.
Uh Mr.
Freeman? It says, "No outside food," little girl.
That's why we keep it inside our clothes.
Are you sure this is legal? Okay, everybody, look alive now.
Here's our chance.
I understand you need your job, but you're still a human being with dignity.
Yeah, I mean, look at this uniform.
I look like a fucking dork.
Why'd they make me dress like this? What did I do to them, huh? You should take action.
Ah.
What can I do? [BAGS CRINKLING.]
Had you ever thought about forming a union? What's a "union"? MAN: Hey, hey, hey! Hey! I paid.
I got my ticket.
Yeah, yeah.
I got a ticket for you.
A one-way ticket to "Get the hell out of here, negro" land.
Go on! Move it! [GROANS.]
Nigga, you gay.
How about that? Another victory of the common man over corporate greed.
You're not advancing any struggle by being cheap, Granddad.
I'll advance my belt on your behind if you don't shut your ass.
Oh, my God.
I didn't pay to get in the movie.
Uh, yes, we did.
I- I ordered my tickets online.
Who got the neck bones? No, you didn't.
[PANTING.]
We snuck in.
We stole a movie.
Now, who makes the rules? Grownups, right? And I'm grown up, and I say it's okay.
We're gonna get caught.
We're gonna get caught.
I should call my daddy and turn myself in.
Oh, yeah? You gonna tell him what you came to see, huh? I bet he'd like to know that.
Maybe I should make a phone call.
No.
Please, no.
Good.
Now just calm down.
Try some mashed potatoes.
Who got the popcorn? I do, Granddad.
[GRUNTS.]
Ow! Hey.
What the hell is wrong with you? What am I gonna do with raw popcorn? You're gonna ruin my dentures.
Whew.
Damn, can't watch a movie without popcorn.
Now I gotta spend all my damn money on a bucket of popcorn.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING.]
Told you.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
ANNOUNCER: [WHIMPERING, SHRIEKING.]
[SCREAMS, SOBS.]
Oh.
Help me.
ANNOUNCER: WOMAN: I'll give you anything.
Ah! ANNOUNCER: [SCREAMS.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
ANNOUNCER: Don't steal movies.
[?.]
GRANDDAD: Damn.
Large freshly popped popcorn, please.
And lots of butter.
Anything else? I asked for butter on it.
Butter's over there.
[INSECTS BUZZING.]
I don't wanna put the butter on it.
Why can't you do it? You're supposed to put it on.
I don't wanna put it on.
I'm already paying $20 for this bullshit popcorn.
I will not demean myself by putting butter on popcorn.
Why? It's really easy.
Why? Because I don't work at the movie theater, that's why.
You're supposed to put the butter on it.
If I go to Burger King and order a cheeseburger, they don't make me put the cheese on it, damn it! I see, I see.
Just 'cause your skin is light, bright and two shades from being white, you think you too good to butter your own popcorn.
Well, you wrong, Lando Calrissian.
Damn it, Ruckus.
Y'all gonna put some butter on this popcorn.
[?.]
We put our lives on the line every day to make movies, and then people come along and steal all that hard work.
Who would do something like that? A terrible, awful human being that no one will ever love.
That's who.
[SOBBING.]
I'm so sorry, Mr.
Stuntman.
[BOOS.]
Hey.
Get to the flick.
What happened to the movies? Y'all should be ashamed.
Why is it when I order a soda pop, I get a empty cup? I didn't order a empty cup.
I ordered a soda pop.
And what asshole put commercials in movies? I can see commercials at home on TV.
And the bathroom stink.
Clean the fucking bathroom! I'm not gonna take it anymore! I pay too much damn money for these movie tickets to butter my own motherfucking popcorn! It's only popcorn.
[SCREAMS.]
When did you get here? Huh? Well, I been at the ticket window all day long, and I don't remember you buying no ticket, Robert Freeman.
Uh, I-I-I got my tickets online.
Aha! A damn lie.
I ain't never met a nigga smart enough to use a personal computer.
Not even a Macintosh.
Uh You'll never take me alive, you punk-asses.
RUCKUS: Stop him! Come on, come on.
[PANTING.]
He went this-a way.
[?.]
Mm-hm.
Whew.
Did I miss anything? Mr.
Freeman I don't wanna steal the movie.
I wanna go home! Shh! [JAZMINE SOBBING.]
What's wrong with you? [SOBBING.]
I wanna go home.
You wasn't saying that back at the house, was you? Was you? Because you wanted to see Soul Plane 2.
Well, this is how we see Soul Plane 2.
I repeat, the terrorist said his name is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and he's demanding that we Hell, no, I ain't fitting to ask him for his motherfucking autograph.
HUEY: An hour into the movie, I wasn't sure how much more I could take.
MAN: We out of food, but we got one bag of 'tato chips.
Yo.
Look out.
Pass this bag of chips around.
Please take one.
Pass it- He's in here.
I know Robert.
He don't miss a coon flick.
What is it? What's happening? Shh.
Don't make a sound.
[MUFFLED WORDS.]
[?.]
MAN 2 [ON-SCREEN.]
: Ooh.
Damn.
Let's go check Madea's Bat Mitzvah.
MAN: Attention, please, passengers.
If you left the toilet seat up in the restroom- [GRUNTS.]
[PANTING.]
Officer, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to steal from the stuntman.
[SHRIEKS.]
[MUFFLED SHRIEK.]
What were you about to do? You were about to rat on us, weren't you? This is what the movie theater industry wants, Jazmine.
Us fighting against each other.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, no.
There's no turning back now.
You're in it all the way.
Now you're gonna get your little narrow, high-yellow ass back into the theater and enjoy Soul Plane 2.
[PANTING.]
I wanna go home! Shut up.
You're ruining my innocence! GRANDDAD: Shut up.
MAN: I expected to fly first-class.
[SOBBING.]
I wanna go home.
MAN 2: Well, you ain't in first class.
[LAUGHING.]
Look at this.
Granddad.
What's wrong with Jazmine? [LAUGHING.]
[BLOWS NOSE, SOBBING.]
She's fine.
Watch the movie.
Oh, that's crazy.
[LAUGHING.]
Look at this.
I wanna go home.
HUEY: Granddad had to be stopped.
I'm gonna put an end to this or die trying.
HUEY: And so did this movie.
Fortunately, I thought of a way to do both.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Move, nigga.
Where you going? They're looking for us.
Huey, come back.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, this is crazy.
Colored folks are something.
[?.]
HUEY: My plan was to get to the projector room and destroy the print of Soul Plane.
First, I had to go to the bathroom.
[LAUGHING.]
Jazmine, you're missing all the best parts.
I'm not watching a stolen movie.
Oh, well.
If you don't wanna laugh.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's crazy.
What's so funny? Oh, nothing.
Hilarity just ensued, that's all.
It did? [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh! That was funny.
Hm? Ah.
[?.]
RUCKUS: It's about impossible to find his black ass in this dark theater.
Yo.
I think we need to shake the spizzot.
Huh? What? [JAZMINE GIGGLING.]
[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON-SCREEN.]
Forget Jazmine.
Let's go.
But we couldn't.
She the weak link.
She'll slow us down.
I mean, how could we? Look, she a little girl.
They're not gonna give her no real time.
She do what? A couple months, tops.
But we both got priors.
We gots to go.
Come on, Granddad.
We running out of time.
[COCKS.]
Sometimes, in order to save the day, people have to sacrifice themselves, you know what I'm saying? [SOBBING.]
Oh, Air Marshal 50 Cent.
You're so brave to sacrifice yourself to save us.
Not me, bitch.
You.
Oh! Wait! Oh.
Oh.
[SCREAMING.]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING, GUNSHOTS.]
Hey.
Hold this.
We be right back.
Okay.
[?.]
Exactly.
See, what Marx is saying is that the oppression of the proletariat is an essential facet of the exploitation inherent in the system.
Therefore, due to the class [?.]
You little half-and-half.
[SHRIEKS.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
HUEY: Oh, man.
He's in there.
What-? What happened to my-? Damn.
[PANTING.]
He's right there! [ALARM BLARING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Hey! [PANTING.]
GUARD: Yeah.
[SCREAMS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
[GRUNTS.]
RUCKUS: Ah [?.]
I been waiting on this day since your little uppity ass came into town.
[SNIFFS.]
You won't kill me, Air Marshal 50 Cent.
You'll only die trying.
But I will kill you.
[RECORD SCRATCHES.]
Or, uh, I'm, uh- Or Or I'm gonna die trying.
What? What? You thought you was the only one who mastered the ancient and deadly art of the nunchaku? [?.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Here's 50.
Ah Come, negro-san.
[GRUNTING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
That was great, Granddad.
Boy, I wish we could've seen the end of that movie.
I don't know.
I feel bad for leaving Huey and what's-her-name.
They knew the risks.
So they might do a little time.
We see 'em when they get out.
Uh it doesn't seem right.
I'm going back and turning myself in.
Turn yourself-? Man Granddad, look, come on.
I mean, I love Huey.
Almost like a brother.
But what's done is done.
We got to let go of the past.
If he don't come back, can I have his side of the room? [?.]
Ah, come on, Granddad.
You supposed to be setting a better example.
You just wait till the manager gets here.
He gonna throw the book at both of y'all.
This is the worst day of my entire life.
Told you.
Here's the guardian for the kids.
That's right, Ruckus.
We snuck into the movie too.
We? You said you was gonna turn yourself in.
Please.
Let the kids go.
I'll take responsibility.
[CACKLES.]
Look like y'all all going down.
The manager's not coming.
Cinema's closed indefinitely.
Looks like everyone walked out.
Something about a union.
RUCKUS: What? The manager ain't coming? Well, call the police.
[CHAIR CLATTERS.]
The FBI.
Homeland Security.
You mean, we gonna let this African hooliganism go unpunished? You have problems, Mr.
Freeman, and you need help.
Thanks for coming back eventually.
Yo, you need to stop snitching, Granddad.
Ah.
Ow.
Hey.
Why don't you call social services and turn yourself in for child abuse? [HAND SLAPS, RILEY YELPS.]
[?.]
Hey, man.
You guys unionized and staged a walkout that quickly? That's amazing.
Oh, yeah.
We unionized.
Then someone called headquarters, and they shut down the whole place.
Fired everybody.
Oh.
Well, um power to the people? Fuck you.
[?.]
Well, that's that.
I think we all learned a valuable lesson today about stealing movies.
Buy the bootleg.
Or just download it from the Internet like everybody else.
[?.]
Hey.
Can you guys wait here a sec? There's something I need to take care of.
[YELLS.]
[GROWLING.]
[SCREAMING RISING IN VOLUME.]
[?.]