The Chris Rock Show (1997) s02e01 Episode Script

Hi.
I know a lot of you must be just tuning in and thinking, "Shit.
I missed the 'Def Comedy Jam.
"' But don't worry, I've got highlights of tonight's show.
And here to give me a hand is my tag-team partner, Mr.
Stuart Scott from "ESPN Sports Center.
" Thanks a lot, Chris.
There was plenty of action on the boards tonight, So let's get right to it.
Def started the night with the traditional pre-show prayer.
Let's all give God a round of applause, y'all.
For making it possible for us all to be up in this motherfucker today.
Could I get a hallelujah from the choir on that one? A motherfucking hallelujah.
Where are the refs at? They used to call that.
He shoulda known better than to mix prayer and profanity.
That young stud should just concentrate on the fundamentals.
They work on that in Spring Training.
Now, Def got off to a fast start with a gentleman who goes by the name of Talent discussing his favorite strip club.
I go to the Booty Shack, the Grimy Shack.
Niggas know who make the most money.
The bitch with the most stretch marks.
Big Bertha bitch.
Give 'em a little Heineken bottle? Boom-chicka, boom-chicka, boom-chicka.
Whoop.
Boom-chicka, boom-chicka.
Rock: Let's have a look at that on replay.
Scott: Uh-huh, see, that's why this kid's name is Talent.
I mean, look at those moves, I think.
We can classify that as the "mojo.
" Talent is definitely as cool as the other side of the pillow.
Next up at the plate is a youngster with phat potential.
Will, they're expecting much flavor from this kid.
He's got some keen observations on the ongoing battle of the sexes.
Titty fuckin'.
Let me show you what I'm talkin' about.
Titty, you know! When they put the dick right here! Rock: Now right here, we have the female breasts.
And here is the male genitalia.
The female breast presses against the shaft causing an explosion of sperm.
My uncle lost an eye like that.
Now all hell is breaking loose.
The force of the sperm knocks his hat clean off his head.
The sperm is now being applied to his hair.
It's got vitamins in it.
Rock: This man's the next Bill Cosby.
Booya! Wish I had a nickel for every time that's happened to me.
It's always a thrill to watch a man explore his feminine side.
Now, the show appeared unstoppable as a KG veteran Bill Hill delivered some provocative thoughts on air safety.
Motherfucking planes getting blowed up.
Y'all see that shit? When we find the black box, the black box will let us know what we need to know about what happened.
I think that maybe we should start making the planes out of the shit that we make the black box with.
What the fuck is goin' on? Don't be bullshitting with me, Miss Media.
Oh, whoa, flag on the play.
- What's the call? - Looks like hacking.
This premise and punch line was clearly stated by Dana Carvey five years ago on "Saturday Night Live.
" It's the only thing that survives the crash.
Why don't they build the whole plane out of the black box? Oh, that could have been a show buster.
But big Mo was on Def's side tonight as Hill stormed back to close strong.
It ain't nothing like smokin' a blunt with your girl in the bed, butt naked with a big ass bowl of fruit loops on the floor.
With a pile ice cubes and a frozen dinner! Ain't nothing like that shit.
Can I get an amen from the congregation.
That boy is no stranger to a good time.
He sure is livin' large.
In bed with a woman, a blunt, fruit loops and ice cubes.
Our sideline reporter, Jon Hayman, has more.
Chris, as you can see.
I followed the instructions to a T.
I've got my blunt, my lovely lady, and my fruit loops.
But to tell you the truth, it's not very exciting.
John, you forgot the ice cubes.
Jeez, I'd lose my head if it wasn't screwed on.
Of course, the ice cubes.
Mm, now, this is the bomb.
Can I get a witness? Get one with a car, Stu, 'cause we're out of time.
In the words of Russell Simmons, "God bless, good night.
" Announcer: From New York City, it's "The Chris Rock Show.
" Tonight, "Saturday Night Live"'s Tracy Morgan.
And musical guest Erykah Badu.
Plus musical director Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock! ( cheers and applause ) You all been watching the show? Audience: Yeah! On legal cable? Audience: Yeah! Got to get that legal cable.
You know, for those with illegal cable, fuck you.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna walk off right now.
Okay, here we are.
What's goin' on? New York, Brooklyn.
I'm from Brooklyn, and it's nuts.
A security guard at a Brooklyn high school this week was fired because he was a member of the gang the Latin Kings.
Security guard, he's the security guard.
Protecting us from the gangs.
He in the gang.
What kinda shit is this? Now, he got another job at another high school.
Now, he's a "Drive-by Ed" instructor.
( laughter, applause ) In a gang? Here's a big thing now, New York cops are gonna-- they're gonna start using hollow point bullets.
Hollow point bullets, you know.
They say they're kinder bullets.
It's a kinder, gentler bullet.
If it taps you, you dead.
You know, you shoot somebody, ooh, that was nice.
A lot of people are mad over this whole hollow bullet thing.
People are mad.
"How dare they!" "How dare they use hollow point bullets!" What the fuck do they think they're doin' using hollow point bullets? Hey, if you were worried about what kind of bullets the cops are using, chances are you're doin' some shit you're ain't supposed to be doin'.
( applause ) A theater in Jersey is getting death threats and ticket cancellations because a black man is playing the part of Jesus.
You know, a black man playing Jesus.
They're getting death threats from church people.
From church people.
What kind of shit? You Christian! What kind of Christian is gonna give death threats over some shit like that? "Love thy neighbor, but get that nigger off stage.
" ( laughter ) Well, what else? Yesterday ABC announced that K.
D.
Lang and Melissa Etheridge will star on "Ellen" this week when she announces that she's gay.
That's right, they got a big gay show this week.
I'm gonna watch, I'm gonna be there.
And you never know, somethin' freaky might jump off.
But in a countermove, just to compete with them On "Seinfeld" this week, Kramer's gonna fuck George in the ass.
( cheers and applause ) We got a great show for you tonight.
We have a very funny comedian, Tracy Morgan's here.
( cheers ) We got Erykah Badu.
We got Grandmaster Flash.
( turntable scratching ) But first I want you to take a look at this.
Announcer: You've tried the patch.
You've tried the gum.
Well now, there's a smoking replacement that will help you to quit for good.
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Announcer: Siggorette has the perfect amount of nicotine to satisfy your daily need, without smoking.
And they're easy to use.
Each capsule is filled with dried tobacco leaves which provide the exact same amount of nicotine that you get from smoking.
A filter at the end, ensures a smooth taste.
All you have to do is light the end and inhale the nicotine-rich fumes.
And when it's finished, just put it out.
It's that easy.
Siggorette is like a dream come true.
Every time I have the desire to smoke, I just light one of these, use it, and the desire goes away, just like magic.
All it takes is like 10 or 20 of these a day.
I haven't smoked in six months.
And I feel great.
Announcer: So throw those nasty things away once and for all.
Siggorette will see that you never smoke again.
Siggorette is also now available in crush-proof 20 packs.
Buy a carton, get a free Zippo lighter.
( applause ) Hey, Siggorettes.
Now, our guest tonight is a New York comedian who has appeared on "Martin," "Showtime at the Apollo," the "Def Comedy Jam," and you can currently watch him every week on "Saturday Night Live.
" Please give it up for Tracy Morgan, come on.
( cheers and applause ) All right, Trace.
- A.
K.
A.
Hustle Man.
- No doubt.
That's where people know you from.
So you're the new black guy on "Saturday Night Live.
" Yeah, the new black dude.
So, I was there for a while.
I was there and Eddie was there, and Damon was there.
Garret Morris was there.
You forgot my cousin, Bobby.
He was security, but he was there.
Bobby worked there for a little bit.
But when shit was missing, they, you know-- ( laughter ) So now, you on "SNL.
" I remember when I was there, it was like this rule like, "You're gonna play every black guy we got.
" - Everybody but Pearl Bailey.
- Yeah.
And if it's a rough week, you gonna play Pearl Bailey too.
Who's the first that you had to do? Anything they wanted you to do that you didn't want to do? Yeah, they wanted me to do black Jesus first.
They wanted you to play black Jesus.
But I gave it to that kid.
I just want to make money, that's all.
But now that he getting all the press, I want to play God.
So, okay, you're there, you do that, You didn't play black Jesus.
What was the worst thing they had you do so far? Get buck naked.
You was buck naked there? That was the first skit that I did.
It was like "Welcome to 'Saturday Night Live,' take your clothes off.
" What did you have to do in the sketch? Did they have a joke for you? Or were you just naked? That was the joke.
I mean let's-- I'm not no hunk.
I have stretch marks and everything.
I took my shirt off, the whole crew got sick.
( laughter ) I could clear this whole room out, wanna see? Relax, we got more show to go.
Naked man, that's you.
I got stretch marks for days, baby.
What? You had kids? "l got stretch marks for days.
" Right around here.
Now, when did you first start doing comedy? About five years ago, professionally.
I was broke, out of a job.
So you were a professional broke guy? I got real funny, you know.
So broke made you funny.
You didn't watch comedy tapes.
You said, "You know, I'm going broke.
" Comedy, that's what I should be doin'.
I was broke and not having no money makes your sense of humor grow, so.
I'm waking past the comedy club and I heard 'em doin' jokes.
And I said, "I'm pretty funny and plus I'm broke.
" I went up in the piece.
And I was like, can I get on stage? And a lady was sitting there takin', Miss Brown, - How ya doin', Miss Brown? - Yeah, she's watching.
She makes a good chicken too, boy.
And potato salad.
- This is a nice comedy club.
- Yeah, a family thing.
It was up in Harlem, so you know they got food up in there.
I went in there and I said, "Can I get on stage?" And she was like, "No," and I was about to walk out, And one of bouncers was like, "Yo, hold up, you funny?" And I was like, "Yes.
" He said, "Come back to the workshop Wednesday.
" Four months later, I was on TV.
Thank you.
You know, I worked on "Saturday Night Live" and I watch "Saturday Night Live" all the time.
They never give you enough to do, man.
You should have your own character.
You need your own character.
I mean the only way to get a lot of pull on "Saturday Night Live" is to have your own character like "Wayne's World", "Church Lady" and "Gumby.
" You know, something they can do every week and make a movie out of, you know? I agree, I agree.
On "The Chris Rock Show" we're gonna give you your own character.
Something for you to do.
Something you can make your mark.
And it's called "The Loud But Wrong Guy.
" It's the loud but wrong guy.
Let me explain this to you.
Now, you're always wrong, but you're so loud, you win the argument.
- Think you can do that? - Yeah.
Let's give it a shot, okay.
"Loud But Wrong Guy," here we go.
Here's my point.
Ketchup is mustard.
They the same thing.
It's just red fucking ketchup.
People are saying, "Are you putting ketchup on your hot dog?" And I be like, "Fuck you.
" It's the same fuckin' thing.
Ketchup is mustard.
What are you talkin' about? That's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is how they conned you into believin' that ketchup ain't mustard.
That's ridiculous.
'cause it's the same fuckin' thing.
What are you talkin' about, ya freak? Look, you go to the supermarket.
Where they at? In the same aisle.
The same fucking thing.
- You know why? - Why? 'Cause I know that ketchup is mustard.
It's the same thing.
All right, all right, you win the argument.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tracy Morgan.
( cheers and applause ) That ketchup is mustard the Loud but Wrong Man.
All right, in recent months-- share this with me.
I've been having a lot happen in my life.
I got married, I got my own show, but I'm still missin' somethin'.
I'm still feeling a little hollow inside.
And I think I know what it is.
I need to get in touch with my spiritual side.
Basically what needs to happen is I need to find God before God finds me.
So what I did, me and my crew went out on a spiritual journey.
So take a look at this.
Milliner: He that is weak to the flesh cannot save Man.
God did by sending his only begotten son.
Are there any black Jews? There are lots of black Jews.
I am a high priestess in the Wiccan religion, also known as witchcraft.
Also known as witchcraft.
The Mennonites are Christians, of course, first of all.
"Mennonite" is an adjective and "Christian" is a noun.
In other words, we're first of all Christians.
Rock: Okay, so you're like a borough of the city.
- That's right.
- You're like Brooklyn.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
The lack.
So money's not the root of all evil.
Oh, no, no, no.
And you are? The Reverend Run.
Run DMC.
- okay.
- I'm from Zoe Ministries.
How would I become a swami? Well first you want to practice yoga.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
- Is there any hazing? - What does that mean? They beat you up before you go in there to make sure you're swami material.
I know you're in there! I need some religion.
So mainly the atheist position is that religion is an induced addiction and it's really a mental disease.
Do you know how much you can love the Lord sitting in the back of a Rolls Royce Phantom Five? You should hear me in the back seat there, just singin' and talkin' in tongues.
( sings prayer ) So what would hell be like? Hell is something-- you know, like when you go into your underground here, and someone is trying to chase you with a knife.
That's hell, isn't it? So, hell's like the Bronx? Hell is the soul on fire with its own misery.
( laughs ) Is there a heaven? We call it Summerland, but yes, there is.
Summerland, so it's like in Miami.
No, it's not in Miami.
How many Rolls Royces do you have? Oh, I don't remember.
- Can you drink alcohol? - Of course.
They towed my Rolls Royce.
They towed your Rolls Royce? Phantom Five, no respect! They probably didn't know what it was.
( singing hymn ) Help me! Let me in! - Is it okay to masturbate? - No.
- What about masturbation? - All of that is sinful.
How does your church view masturbation? ( buzzer ) Is it okay to masturbate in this religion? Yes.
( bell rings ) ( fast rapping ) Godism is just a tool to keep a certain class of people in business.
It's an industry.
Here's one tape album on how to prosper regardless of world conditions.
And whenever there's a so-called recession, I teach people, "You don't have to take part in it.
" Okay.
Love of money is something that we think often interferes with our love for God.
Do you consider yourself a black leader? No, I'm a green leader.
I mean, some people say Jesus was a black man.
Would you say Jesus was a green man? I definitely say that Jesus was a green man.
Oh, I'm not leavin'! I got time! There's not much money, because the money which comes in, goes back into-into? - lnto me? - lnto you.
Just show me the money.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Coming for to carry me home.
Jesus is not a drag.
( laughs ) Just show me the money.
( applause and cheers ) Our musical guest's debut album, "Baduizm," has reached number one on the billboard charts.
Here to perform her special blend of R&B and hip hop, In her song "On and On.
" Please give it up for Erykah Badu.
( R&B music playing ) ( applause ) Well, that's our show for tonight.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Next week my guest will be Oprah Winfrey.
Now, I'd like to roll a clip of that, but we haven't taped the show yet, so I want you to take a look at this pre-enactment.
Oprah, I don't know what to say.
You look so good.
Thanks a lot, Chris.
You know, I've learned with the help of my trainer that it's not just what you eat, but how much and when.
I mean, your man must be so happy with the new you.
Oh, thank you so much.
Stedman is ecstatic.
That Stedman is one lucky man.
Yeah, when you talk about luck, it's Stedman.
A lucky son of a bitch, Stedman.
I'd like to thank our guests Tracy Morgan, Erykah Badu.
I want to thank all y'all for coming out.
Flash, play us out! ( theme music playing ) Still here! Wake up! What are you, asleep? I know, feels bad, don't it? Come on!