The Cleveland Show s02e01 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Kobe's got the ball.
He's really having his way with his opponents.
He is gonna take it right at the hole whether they like it or not.
He sneaks to the back, sees an opening and forces it in! [CLEVELAND SHOUTS.]
Oh, my face! - What you got? You got nothing.
- That hurt.
- Can't guard me.
- Stop.
- I can do this all day.
Get off me.
- You are much bigger than me.
[SHOUTING.]
Boom! Mm-hm.
Still got it.
Feels like I'm back in my basketball camp days running the three-man weave making reliable but not flashy two-handed chest passes shooting free throws underhand bringing out the ladder to get the ball out of the peach basket throwing it down on skinny little Barry Obama's head.
Punk-ass Barry.
Wait.
Cleveland, did you just say Barry Obama? That was his name.
Goofy, big-eared kid.
Thirteen years old, smoked like a chimney.
Barry Obama.
Probably sleeping in a ditch somewhere.
We got any lemonade? Cleveland, Barry Obama is the president of the United States.
No, Barack Obama is the president.
Barry Obama is Barack Obama.
That kid Barry is now the president.
- Barry Hussein Obama is? - Mm-hm.
This is Well, that It can't be.
I need to sit down.
Aah.
Cleveland, it's not that bad.
Not that bad? Easy for you to say.
- You're a woman.
You can't be president.
- That's true.
But Barry and I are almost the same age and yet some would say he's accomplished much more than me.
Oh, Donna.
What have I done with my life? You've done plenty.
You've raised Cleveland Jr.
pretty much all by yourself.
And I'll always be your first lady.
Not to brag, but you're more like my sixth lady.
Hey, Rallo, may I have your Snack Pack? I saw Donna put it in there.
- No, you can't have my Snack Pack.
- Hmm.
[THINKING.]
Well, I guess this is God's way of keeping me skinny.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Touch the sky, baby.
Locally-famous rapper Kenny West? What are you doing here? I'm trying to get my daughter a decent education so she doesn't grow up to be in one of my videos.
Huh? Oh, ha, ha.
Where's Candice's mom? I wanna talk to her now.
She's gone for six months doing Bret Michaels' Rock of Love Bus.
Congratulations.
Hey, you should bring Candice over for a playdate.
Hmm.
That's actually not a bad idea.
I got a gig this afternoon, anyway.
I'll treat her like she's one of my own.
And I mean my own, not one of my stepkids.
Sometimes I forget to feed them.
Man, I am starving.
I feel like I haven't eaten in days.
That's probably why you look so fly, Ro.
My girl is mad rexy.
No! Bad! Bad! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
My man.
Thanks again for watching Candice.
I wish more grown men I barely knew would offer to look after my 4-year-old daughter.
No problem.
I'd like to see Barack Obama look after two kids.
But he's probably too busy dealing with Afghanistan and cleaning up the gulf, and his two kids.
Anyway, bye, sweetie.
Rallo, you got a playdate.
Damn.
I thought we'd never meet again.
So you wanna watch a Star Wars movie? I'm ready for anything.
I'm a straight-up freak.
I love you.
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
[SCREAMING.]
You sure this is where your dad's performing? [RAPPING.]
We got nachos with attitude And onion blings We got drive-by salad if you're dieting This is funky fresh.
Shut up, bitch, we ain't finished.
Oh, you.
Tell them the dessert special, yo.
[GROANS.]
Fight the flour Fight the flour You gotta bite the flourless cake What'd he say? What are you doing here? I told you I'd pick Candice up.
Oh, yeah.
That must be why I have this string tied around my finger.
Say, how about Candice and Rallo have another playdate tomorrow? Any chance you can watch them at your place since apparently I plain old forgot to go to work today? It's just not a good time.
Oh, cool.
A Pop A Cop machine.
[MACHINE BEEPING AND BLARING.]
These are great.
Why did I buy these? What the? Kenny.
You're You're homeless.
Shh! Man, not in front of my kid.
I told her that cars were houses and houses were cars, so she just thinks we're car-less.
That's it.
I'm finding you a place to live.
Something Barack Obama apparently hasn't been able to do.
Actually, his Cash for Clunkers program helped me Do you want my help or not? [GUNFIRE ON TELEVISION.]
Remember when I was upset that I hadn't accomplished as much as the president? Well, guess who's helping a young family get off the streets? Cleveland, what are you talking about? Here they are.
From the parking lot next to the old muffler shop soon to be living in our garage Kenny and Candice West.
Awesome.
Oops.
Wrong show.
I got a whole mess of Snack Packs out in my minivan.
Eee! Donna, don't worry.
Kenny won't be here long.
Today, I'm gonna take him down to Waterman Cable and get him a real job.
Not like whatever it is you do at the hospital.
- I work at the school.
- Yep.
Hey, Cleve.
Hey, Miss Tubbs.
I got you a little thank you gift for letting me and Candice crash at your place.
Oh, my God.
"Tyler Perry presents Wine.
" CLEVELAND: They say it's rich and super fruity and not complex at all.
Kenny, you shouldn't have.
How could you afford it? I sold all my recording equipment.
I mean, I don't need it anymore.
As Cleveland told me, cable installers are today's rap stars.
See, dum-dum? Come on, Kenny.
Let's go to the hospital.
- Cable company.
- Yep.
Oh, I am running away from some problems tonight.
- Love you.
- Love you more.
That's impossible.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can it be? Has Rallo Tubbs finally found the one? Gentlemen, there comes a time in every man's life when he needs to grow up and settle down.
I'm not 5 anymore.
I'm five and a half.
I would kill to be five and a half again.
I'm just so tired all the time.
Well, look who it is.
Who is that? Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Kenny a kid off the streets who I've been teaching everything I know.
It's whom.
Not who.
I hope you're not teaching him grammar.
- Damn.
- You got whom-ed.
Kenny West.
Caught you at the county fair.
Yeah, I listen to rap.
Got a De La Soul CD in my car.
Do a little beatboxing.
You don't wanna hear it.
Unless you do.
You probably do.
[BEATBOXING POORLY.]
I'm really not glad I heard that.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, Kenny, you're terrible.
No, you're terrible.
No, you're terrible.
We're both terrible.
Nice playing, Arthur Ass.
So we got a wonderful plan for tomorrow.
Yeah, I was thinking maybe we could go to the merry-go-round.
Ignore him.
We're going to the library.
Oh, the library.
You'll love that, Walt.
It's free.
So, what do you think? I think there's no greater sign of maturity than the mustache.
Yep.
It shows you've put away your childish dreams and said to yourself, "Self? This is it for you.
You are going no farther than this.
" Well, I don't know about that.
Each mustache has its own story.
Have you ever eaten a cheesesteak with a mustache? - Here, take my second one.
- Whoops! Don't worry about it.
Just grab a shirt out of my closet.
We adults can change clothes whenever we want.
And ride our bikes in the street.
Cleveland, what have you done to that poor boy? Filled him full of awesome.
You're turning him into you.
And, Cleveland, I love you, and I mean this in the best possible way but any 19-year-old who has your life should kill himself.
Donna, you're overreacting.
I'm not trying to turn Kenny into me.
Hey, thanks for the shirt, Cleveland.
You showed me the way.
All those years wasted on some stupid dream of being a rap star.
I just wanna thank you for taking the music out of my life both literally and metaphorically.
Kenny, I've made a mistake.
I've encouraged you to abandon your dreams.
This life is not your destiny.
Good, honest work is for the downtrodden and the Polish.
Oh, come on, man.
My music wasn't going anywhere.
That's because you didn't have anyone to believe in you.
Or should I say, be-Cleve in you.
Registered trademark.
Feel like writing a hit song? My stuff.
I appreciate it, Cleveland, but I don't know if I can do it.
I've been out the game for six days.
Lil Wayne's dropped 30 mix tapes since then.
You can do it, Kenny because I'm gonna help you.
We're not gonna sleep until we've written a hit hip-hop single.
- Done.
- Wow, I can't believe you wrote an entire hit song in 15 seconds.
And I still can't believe Beyoncé didn't win.
Kenny! Donna, wake up! The house is on fire! Rallo's dead! What? Oh, my God, no! My baby! My baby! Ha-ha-ha.
Just kidding.
But now that I have your attention you should know that Kenny and I have recorded a hit song and now I'm gonna help him make it big in the music biz.
So we're going on tour and you're gonna stay here and watch his and our children.
We cool? Fine.
If this is what you need to get you past your whole mid-life crisis Barack Obama thing, then go.
Damn it, Donna! You can't stop me.
I am leaving with Kenny West to be a rap-guy manager.
It's my new lifelong dream.
Cleveland.
Look at me.
I don't care.
If you can get the time off work, then go.
Oh, work.
I keep forgetting to go to that.
Well, it's been four days and you're still not famous.
I don't get it.
We tried having a rap battle like in 8 Mile.
We tried getting you addicted to drugs like Walk the Line.
There's one movie we haven't tried.
We haven't tried Ray.
- Let me at them.
You need to be blind.
- Get away! - Do you wanna be famous or not? - Stop! Oh, what's the use? This won't work.
It's hopeless.
All we need is one break.
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program with a Dwayne Meighan news flash.
Hi, I'm Dwayne Meighan.
News flash.
It had been in Goochland County.
Apparently, somebody, a person, had been playing around or standing too close with a well.
A news flash indicate it was a small girl.
Maybe perhaps playing with her doll or maybe wanted to see down her reflection on well.
Uh-oh.
Fell in.
This had had been the news.
There's a girl trapped in the well.
You know what that means.
- Benefit concert.
- Funeral concert.
Well, one or the other.
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, a little housekeeping.
Uh, for the time being, please stop urinating down the well.
Thank you.
Second, these two guys showed up and insisted on singing.
So, uh, put your hands together for Kenny West featuring Cleveland Brown.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
I know what it's like to feel down, little girl.
I hope someone lifts you up like the big guy who lifted me up.
MAN: Praise the Lord.
- No.
I'm talking about the big guy right here, Cleveland Brown.
[RAPPING.]
Not long ago I was lower than Lohan No plan, a lost man Raising my little girl In a Cadillac Brougham My quest? Success But my life was a mess Poor Kenny West No zest, anti-depressed Not dressed to impress Matter of fact, more stressed Than John Mayer Waiting on his AIDS test Then I met a man Who taught me how to live large Took me out of my car Now I'm in his garage Turns out all I needed Was some inspiration Like Mr.
Miyagi but a lot less Asian My game was timid Now my flow much bolder Got a chubby brown angel On my shoulder saying: [SINGING.]
You know, it don't matter what you do 'Cause I'll always be there for you - Be-Cleve in yourself - Grow a mustache KENNY: Be-Cleve in yourself Slap your wife's ass KENNY: Be-Cleve in yourself Never smoke grass Be-Cleve in yourself Freely pass gas [IN UNISON.]
Be-Cleve in yourself, Goochland.
Good night.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Our hearts go out to the good people of Goochland.
We hope you stay strong during the ongoing rescue effort.
Barack Obama doesn't care about black people.
What the fuck were you thinking? I don't know.
The lights, the camera.
I got nervous.
Plus, Obama's accomplished so much.
You just destroyed Twitter.
It literally exploded from people's tweets.
Your song is gonna be the number-one downloaded song ever.
No doubt about it.
You put our music on the Internet, right? You can put music on the WebTV? I gotta testify Come up in the spot looking extra fly Before the day I die I'm gonna touch the sky [DIALING AND BUZZING.]
Gotta testify Come up in the spot looking extra fly Before the day I die I'm gonna touch the sky Uh, I gotta testify Come up in the spot looking extra fly Before the day you die You gonna touch the sky You gonna touch the sky, baby girl Testify, come up in the spot Looking extra fly Before the day you die You gonna touch the sky Take it home, baby Uh, sky high I'm, I'm sky high I'm, I'm sky high I'm, I'm [CROWD CHEERING.]
Man, look at that crowd.
What did I tell you, Kenny? I knew we'd hit the big time.
- Cleveland, you're fired.
- What? I'm sorry, but the book I read said if you've got bad news, come right out and say it.
No, you're supposed to first give them a fake compliment, then the bad news.
Oh.
You've lost weight.
And you're fired.
Well, at least I've lost weight.
But why am I fired? Look, Cleveland.
I'm sorry, but I've learned that to make it as a rap star you have to make wildly irrational decisions without thinking about it.
- Just look at Flavor Flav.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- That's not a name.
- And that's another thing.
Your rap knowledge begins and ends with Kurtis Blow.
Yeah.
Kurtis Blow.
And what's up with all these stupid outfits? I'm a rapper, not the mayor of Detroit.
Goodbye, Cleveland.
[SINGING.]
And I am telling you I'm not going - Sir, you can't stand here.
- I'm going.
I'm going.
Mm.
This bruschetta is amazing.
Yeah, $12 bread with some tomatoes on it.
- Yeah, that's great.
- Enough.
Come on.
Let's go to the ladies' room before our entrées arrive.
- This sucks.
- I know, but we're stuck.
We could just leave.
- What? - Just leave.
- Can we do that? - Why not? Do you know how many men wish they could leave while their girlfriends were in the bathroom? One hundred percent.
I'm out.
Attention, men.
If your ladies are in the bathroom, and you wish, for just once in your life you had the cojones to just get up and leave, follow me.
I'm going to play skee-ball at Cheesy Charlie's.
- I'm going.
- Me too.
MAN 1: Yeah.
MAN 2: Great idea.
MAN 3: Let's go.
Don't worry.
I'm not going anywhere.
Ooh.
I gotta get this.
This could take forever.
Hello? Donna, I'm home.
I realized that my place is here with you.
Hey, cool wok.
Kenny fired you, didn't he? Yeah, but that's okay.
Where'd you get the wok? Bed, Bath and Hospital? - Beyond.
- Beg pardon? Bed, Bath and Beyond.
- Beyond what? - The hospital.
What are you talking about a hospital? [HELICOPTER WHIRRING.]
Chopper.
Barry.
They kick you out of Washington already? No, no, I'm still your ruler.
I was on my way back from pulling a girl out of a well and I heard what you said.
I think that had something to do with the fact that you never could beat me on the court.
What? You I That's not How about right now? You and me.
One on one.
[ALL GASP.]
You're on.
Whoops.
There we go.
If there's one thing politics has taught me, it's to watch out for attacks from the right.
First basket wins.
I better call my Secretary of Education because you just got schooled.
I could also call Secretary of the Treasury because that shot was money.
Also, I - Sir, we really - I've got one more.
I could call my Secretary of Defense, because I am the bomb.
Wheels up.
Take me with you! [GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
You know what, Donna? He may live in the White House, but I'd rather live in the Brown house.
I'd rather live in the White House.
Yeah, me too.