The Cosby Show s02e01 Episode Script

DADDY! I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK FIRST.
I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU.
ARE YOU JUST COMING IN FROM A DATE? NO.
WHAT TIME IS IT? WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP UNTIL 7-0-0.
IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL ALL RIGHT! LET'S GET A MOVE ON! I'M ALREADY DRESSED.
NO-- LET'S PUT ON SOMETHING THAT'S MORE UNDERSTATED.
BUT I WANTED TO WEAR THIS! YOU LOOK LIKE A FORTUNE TELLER.
WE'LL SAVE THIS LATER FOR WHEN YOU GO TO THE PROM.
PUT ON SOMETHING IN YOUR ROOM.
TAKE OFF ALL THE JEWELRY.
BYE-BYE.
BYE-BYE.
CLAIR! CLAIR! CLAIR.
CLAIR, CLAIR, IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL?! FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! WE GET THE HOUSE BACK! WE MADE IT THROUGH THE SUMMER AND NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET THEM OUT OF THE HOUSE! WE CAN GET THEM OUT IN TEN MINUTES! WE CAN'T CHASE THEM OUT.
WE GOT TO GIVE THEM BREAKFAST FIRST! WE FED THEM ALL SUMMER, DIDN'T WE? I TELL YOU WHAT: I WILL FIX BREAKFAST.
YOU GET THEM DRESSED.
NO, NO.
I WILL FIX BREAKFAST.
YOU GET THEM DRESSED.
NO! I KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT AROUND.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO GET A CHILD UP ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.
I GOT THEM UP ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL.
ALL YOU SAID WAS, "LAST DAY OF SCHOOL" AND CHILDREN NEXT DOOR WERE JUMPING OUT THE WINDOWS! LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! DENISE? MM-HMM? ARE YOU UP? MM-HMM.
I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING CLEARLY.
I'M UP! YOU LIE! NOW, CONSIDER THIS YOUR FIRST WARNING.
COME ON, DAD-- I'M TIRED.
DENISE? UH-HUH? YOU'RE NOT IN THAT ROOM WITH SOMEBODY, ARE YOU? VANESSA? I'M UP.
PROVE IT TO ME! COME IN.
ALL RIGHT! WELL, NOW, LOOK AT WHO LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL HERE! THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 5:00.
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE SCHOOL YEAR YOU'LL MAKE UP FOR IT.
DADDY? YES, DEAR? I'M DRESSED.
DAD, DO YOU KNOW FOR EVERY CLASS IN JUNIOR HIGH YOU HAVE TO GO TO A DIFFERENT ROOM? DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT BECAUSE IF YOU GET LOST YOU CAN JUST ASK SOMEBODY.
DADDY, HOW'S THIS? JUST LOVELY-- KEEP IT MOVING.
DAD? MM-HMM? I'M NERVOUS.
WELL, FIRST DAY OF ANYTHING PEOPLE ARE NERVOUS.
DON'T DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DAD! THERE YOU GO.
DENISE? DENISE? IT'S YOUR FATHER.
HI, DADDY.
WHO'S IN HERE? I DON'T KNOW.
NOBODY'S IN THERE.
CAN YOU REMEMBER IF YOU'VE USED IT OR IF YOU'RE WAITING TO USE IT? I'M WAITING TO USE IT.
YOU BETTER WAKE UP BECAUSE IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE IN THERE YOU COULD DROWN.
THEO, MY BOY! AND NOW, INTO A ROOM WHERE CLOTHES COME TO DIE.
( ALARM CLOCK RINGING ) IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! MASTER, THE MONSTER'S ALIVE! SON, COME ON! WE GOT TO GET UP NOW.
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! AND HIT IT! ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE AND IF YOU'RE NOT UP, I'M PULLING THE COVERS OFF.
ONE TWO THREE! AHHH THERE HE IS! HE'S GETTING UP! HE'S CRAWLING DOWN! HE'S STOPPED! HE'S INCHING FORWARD, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! ONE OF THE BETTER CRAWLERS OF OUR TIME! HIS SON IS UP! UP! COME ON, NOW.
YOU GOT TO GET UP, SON.
TEN MINUTES, DAD ARE YOU BEGGING? FIVE.
NO, SON.
FOUR? THREE? IS THIS AN AUCTION? SON, YOU HAVE TO GET UP! OH, COME ON, DAD-- I'M JUST COMING OFF VACATION.
VACATION?! I THINK YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
A VACATION, SON, IS SOMETHING YOU GET WHEN YOU HAVE A JOB.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU DIDN'T WORK HARD THIS SUMMER BECAUSE YOU DID.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE WORK HARDER AT BEGGING.
BEGGING FOR MONEY FOR PIZZA.
BEGGING TO STAY UP LATE TO CHASE GIRLS WHO DIDN'T LOVE YOU.
SON YOU GET A CHANCE TO REST NOW.
YOU'RE GOING TO START SCHOOL! LEARNING! THE MIND! AREN'T YOU EXCITED? YES.
GET EXCITED.
I'M EXCITED.
SAY YOU'RE EXCITED! NOW, GET EXCITED! I'M EXCITED! STAND UP! I'M EXCITED! I'M EXCITED! GOOD! I'M UP! GOOD MORNING, RUDY.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE A PRETTY FIRST GRADER! THANK YOU.
I WROTE MY NAME.
"RUDY HUXTABLE.
" DID ANYONE HELP YOU? NO.
I WAS MARRIED FOR YEARS BEFORE I COULD SPELL "HUXTABLE.
" WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST? CEREAL.
CEREAL WHAT? CEREAL AND BANANAS.
CEREAL, BANANAS, WHAT? CEREAL, BANANAS AND MILK.
CEREAL, BANANAS, MILK WHAT? CER IN A BOWL.
CEREAL, BANANAS, MILK IN A BOWL WHAT? CEREAL, BANANAS, MILK IN A BOWL PLEASE? YOU GOT IT! WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LUNCH? I MADE IT.
YOU DRESSED YOURSELF AND MADE YOUR LUNCH.
NOT TODAY.
WHEN? WHEN YOU BOUGHT THE LUNCHBOX.
RUDY, THAT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO! WHAT DID YOU MAKE? TUNA FISH.
WELL, HOW'S IT GOING? RUDY HAS MADE HER OWN LUNCH.
WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL! TUNA FISH.
WHOA! WELL, THE THING IS BUBBLING.
DID YOU PUT SELTZER IN IT? SHE MADE IT TWO WEEKS AGO.
DON'T MOVE, DEAR.
DON'T MOVE, JACK! WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS BOY! OH, MAN! WHOO! THE NEXT TIME YOU MAKE A TUNA FISH SANDWICH YOU EAT IT THE DAY YOU PUT IT IN HERE OR YOU COULD GET VERY SICK.
DAD WILL MAKE YOU A BRAND NEW SANDWICH.
I'LL EAT IT RIGHT AWAY.
YOU CAN WAIT UNTIL LUNCHTIME.
MORNING, MOM.
GOOD MORNING! SHE WAS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR FOREVER! I WAS NOT! I THINK IT'S BOYS.
IT IS NOT! I THINK THAT VANESSA'S CORRECT.
IT HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH BOYS.
SHE WANTS TO LOOK GOOD FOR THE TEACHERS.
AND IF BOYS HAPPEN TO NOTICE, I CAN'T HELP IT.
BREAKFAST CAN START NOW.
THE SENIOR HAS ARRIVED.
A WHOLE YEAR OF THIS? THIS HAPPENS TO BE VERY IMPORTANT.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL WITHOUT MY BRACES ON.
YOU THINK ANYONE'LL NOTICE? MY SOCIAL LIFE SUFFERED WHEN MOM AND DAD MADE ME GET THEM.
WE MADE YOU? YEAH.
IF WE HADN'T GOTTEN YOU BRACES YOUR MOTHER AND I WOULD NOW HAVE A BIGGER HOUSE.
AND YOU WOULD HAVE TEETH GROWING OUT OF YOUR EARS.
MORNING.
HOW YOU DOING? UH, SON? YEAH, DAD.
IS THAT THE SHIRT THAT WE BOUGHT? YEAH.
WELL, DIDN'T IT HAVE SLEEVES WHEN WE BOUGHT IT? THEY'RE UPSTAIRS.
THE SLEEVES DIDN'T WANT TO COME DOWN THIS MORNING? I CUT THEM OFF.
THIS IS HOW EVERYBODY'S WEARING IT THIS YEAR.
SON, WHEN WE WENT TO THE STORE YOU SAID, "DAD, I GOT TO HAVE THIS SHIRT.
" AND I LOOKED AT THE PRICE OF IT.
AND I SAID, "THIS IS VERY EXPENSIVE.
" AND THEN I LOOKED AT THOSE BROWN EYES OF YOURS AND I SAID, "WELL, MY SON WANTS IT AND I'LL BUY IT FOR HIM.
" NOW, IF FASHION DICTATES THAT YOU CUT THOSE SLEEVES OFF THAT'S FINE WITH ME.
BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE, IN THIS LIFETIME YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR THOSE SLEEVES.
GOOD-BYE.
BYE, DADDY.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
MEEE! ALL RIGHT! BYE-BYE! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, RUDY.
AS SOON AS I DROP RUDY OFF I'M COMING RIGHT BACK.
WHY? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A FIRST-DAY-OF-SCHOOL CELEBRATION.
WE CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE A NEW PATIENT.
MRS.
OGAWA? HOW DID YOU KNOW? BECAUSE I AM MRS.
OGAWA.
( CAR HORN ) I'M COMING! DENISE YEAH? THERE'S ABOUT 40 GIRLS IN A '68 VALIANT HONKING THE HORN.
I KNOW.
I'M LEAVING.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
AND? AND WHAT? YOU ALWAYS SAY: "WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.
" WELL, YOU'RE A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN HANDLE YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES SO THERE'S NO NEED TO SAY THAT.
THIS IS A HISTORIC MOMENT FOR ME.
AND ME.
WHY? BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR MONEY.
ACTUALLY, I COULD USE FIVE BUCKS.
HA, HA, HA.
SO WHERE ARE YOU GOING? AND DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.
OKAY.
OKAY.
( CAR HORN ) DAD, THERE'S A CAR FULL OF GIRLS OUT THERE HONKING AT ME.
THEO, THEY'RE HONKING FOR ME.
OH.
SO HOW WAS SCHOOL? IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
I KNOW YOU WENT TO SCHOOL TODAY AND ALL THE KIDS HAD SLEEVES ON THEIR SWEATSHIRTS.
NO, DAD.
YOU SEE-- ALL SUMMER I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING AND TODAY IT HAPPENED.
WHAT? I GOT MISS WESTLAKE FOR MATH.
YOU DIDN'T WANT MISS WESTLAKE? NO! SHE'S THE WORST TEACHER IN THE SCHOOL.
WHAT MAKES HER SO BAD? SHE CALLS ON KIDS WHO DON'T HAVE THEIR HANDS UP.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THIS WOMAN THINKS SHE CAN CALL ON ANY KID WHETHER THEY RAISE THEIR HAND OR NOT? YES! AND IF THE BELL RINGS SHE MAKES THE CLASS STAY TILL SHE'S FINISHED.
YOU'RE KIDDING! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT CLASS IS OVER AND BECAUSE SHE HASN'T FINISHED YOU HAVE TO STAY AND LISTEN TO HER? YES! WHY DO THEY KEEP HER AROUND? I BET SHE'S GOT SOMETHING ON THE PRINCIPAL.
DID SHE GIVE YOU ANY HOMEWORK? DAD, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
SHE GAVE US A TON.
THIS COULD CUT INTO YOUR LEISURE TIME.
I KNOW.
I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.
WHAT? I'M GOING TO SEE IF I CAN TALK TO MISS WESTLAKE.
WHAT WILL YOU TELL HER? I'M GOING TO ASK IF SHE'LL ADOPT YOU.
OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE! AND HOW WAS OUR FIRST DAY IN FIRST GRADE? FINE.
HOW WAS THE LUNCHBOX? FINE.
HOW WAS YOUR TEACHER? SHE'S FINE.
WHAT'S HER NAME? DON'T TELL ME "MRS.
FINE.
" MRS.
PARKER.
MM-HMM.
DADDY? UH-HUH? SHE SAID YOU HAD TO FILL THIS OUT.
I GET THE HOMEWORK? WHAT IS THIS? IT'S IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY.
WHAT'S AN EMERGENCY? IN CASE I GET SICK OR HURT.
I SEE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
DADDY? I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK.
YOU DON'T? WHY? I HATE IT.
OH, COME HERE NOW.
TELL ME, WHY DO YOU HATE IT? THIS BOY, JAMES, CALLED ME A NAME.
REALLY? WHAT DID HE CALL YOU? RUDY HUCKLEBERRY.
HOW DID HE SAY IT? DID HE SAY IT NICE, LIKE "HELLO, RUDY HUCKLEBERRY" OR DID HE SAY, "YOU AIN'T NOTHING BUT A RUDY HUCKLEBERRY"? HE SAID, "RUDY HUCKLEBERRY! RUDY HUCKLEBERRY!" THERE ARE SOME KIDS WHO LIKE TO JUST GO AROUND MAKING UP NAMES FOR PEOPLE.
SO HE LOOKED YOU OVER AND HE COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
NOW, HAD YOU A PAIR OF EARS LIKE THIS HE MIGHT HAVE SAID, "HELLO, TROPHY-HEAD.
" HE COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
ALL HE COULD COME UP WITH WAS "RUDY HUCKLEBERRY!" THAT HAPPENED TO ME ALL THE TIME.
DID THEY MAKE FUN OF YOUR NOSE? NO, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN UNTIL MUCH LATER.
SO COME ON NOW.
WE'RE GOING TO FILL THIS CARD OUT.
"EMERGENCY PARENT'S NAME" DOCTOR MM-HMM.
AND MRS.
MM-HMM.
HUCKLEBERRY.
VANESSA: RUDY! MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN RUDY? NO.
RUDY!! VANESSA WHY ARE YOU YELLING? GO FIND THE CHILD.
OKAY.
THEO: DENISE! MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN DENISE? SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN.
DENISE!! IS IT NECESSARY TO YELL? WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK TO HER? OH OKAY.
SORRY, MOM.
RUDY: THEO! YOU, WITH THE FACE, COME HERE.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? NOTHING.
WHY ARE YOU YELLING? I'M TRYING TO FIND THEO.
HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.
DON'T YOU SCREAM! WALK IN THERE QUIETLY AND TALK TO HIM.
DENISE: VANESSA, I FOUND RUDY! VANESSA: DOES SHE HAVE MY HAIRBRUSH?! I TOLD YOU DON'T YELL IN THIS HOUSE! THE NEXT PERSON WHO YELLS IN THIS HOUSE IS GOING TO GET IT.
CLAIR? ( YELLS: ) CLAIR!! WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT IS THE MATTER? NOISE.
CLIFF, THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH SCHOOL.
THESE KIDS GO TO SCHOOL AND THEY HOLD IT ALL IN TILL THEY COME HOME.
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! GIVE IT BACK! VANESSA: IT'S MY HAIRBRUSH! IT'S MINE! VANESSA: NO! RUDY: GIVE IT BACK! IT'S JUST THE NOISE OF AUTUMN, DEAR.
CHILDREN IN SCHOOL ALL DAY SO YOU JUST HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE.
( YELLS: ) GIVE IT BACK!! VANESSA: DAD, IT'S MINE! YOU SEE? YOU JUST TALK THEIR LANGUAGE.
( YELLING: ) CLAIR! ( YELLING: ) YES! HOW ARE YOU?! I'M FINE! I'M FINE, TOO! WHERE ARE YOU?! I'M IN THE LIVING ROOM! ME, TOO! YOU'RE KIDDING! CLIFF: ARE YOU HUNGRY?! CLAIRE: YES! LET'S EAT! YES! I'LL FOLLOW YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! I DON'T KNOW! HELLO, SON! YOUR SLEEVES ARE MISSING! WHERE ARE YOU?! I'M IN THE LIVING ROOM.
I'M SO HAPPY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM? ( PHONE RINGING ) NOT ANOTHER VANESSA CALL.
VANESSA'S RESIDENCE.
NO, SHE CANNOT COME TO THE PHONE NOW BECAUSE IT IS NOW 10:01 AND SHE CANNOT HAVE ANY CALLS PAST TEN O'CLOCK.
NO, I CANNOT TAKE A MESSAGE.
I'M HER FATHER.
I'M A DOCTOR.
I GRADUATED FROM MEDICAL SCHOOL.
ALL RIGHT? GOOD-BYE.
THIS IS A LIVE VOICE.
THIS CHILD IS COMING DOWN WITH IT.
WHAT? SHE'S GOT THE SIGNS OF BEING A TEENAGER.
SANDRA WENT THROUGH IT FIRST.
AND NOW THEO AND DENISE.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS HOUSE CAN TAKE ANOTHER TEENAGER.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE HAD THE CHILDREN TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.
YEAH? WE SHOULD HAVE HAD THEM 20 YEARS APART.
THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO WHEN I GET TO BE 108 IS CHANGE SOMEBODY'S DIAPER.
BY THAT TIME, DEAR THEY'LL BE SELF-CLEANING.
EH-HM! I'M JUST TURNING THE LIGHT OUT.
I'LL DO IT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MRS.
OGAWA? OH, SHE WENT HOME.