The Critic s02e01 Episode Script

1 Hello? - Jay, this is your pharmacist.
- Instead of hair restorer, we accidentally sent you preparation "h".
It stinks.
Hello, I'm Jay sherman, and this is coming attractions.
Tonight, we'll be reviewing a few more good men, starring Jack Nicholson with co-stars Christian slater and William devane.
I want the truth.
You can't handle the truth.
I can handle the truth.
The truth is you talk like me, you act like me, you don't have an original bone in your body.
That's a freakin' lie.
Could the stenographer read that last part back? What am I, a freakin' myna bird? Feh.
We'll also be looking at Tim Burton's latest film, the nightmare before hanukkah.
Excuse me.
Is this hanukkah town? No, it's the Vatican and I'm pope shlomo.
Oy.
AndCut.
Doris, I hate to ask, but did the ratings come in? Yeah.
You're getting your butt kicked by the benedictine monk variety hour.
Oh we've got a great show tonight with our special guest star, the pope.
J.
P.
! J.
P.
! Oh, I can't compete with that.
The boss is gonna yell at me.
Yeah, he yells at everybody.
You should worry if he starts being nice to you.
That's when you're about to get fired.
Hello, handsome.
How's my special little guy? That's it.
I'm doomed.
Look, son, I like you, Uh, John Paul ii, general hospital and Dan quayle.
Name a pope, a soap and a dope.
You've taken a vow of comedy.
Doris, I can't lose this job.
It's all I know how to do.
Oh, come on.
Everyone has hidden talents.
Like me.
I'm a whiz with smoke rings.
Watch.
Doris, tick-tock.
That was supposed to be a bunny.
And now back to the very best of Howard stern.
Now, Robin, here's something else I do on the toilet.
Toilet.
If that's what passes for intelligent public discourse, no wonder I'm getting fired.
Have you ever felt like you're completely alone? Oh, forget it.
Oh.
I'm so tired, mama.
Pick me up.
Hey, I'm walkin', here.
Oh, that poor woman.
Mama, a stranger's comin'.
Don't worry, I've got my pepper spray.
Hmm, jalapeno.
Look, I just wanted to offer to share my cab.
Sorry.
I hate not being friendly, but this is New York.
You know, you look familiar.
I'm Jay sherman, the famous film critic.
I used to have a big show on a.
B.
C For about a week.
I'm Alice tompkins and this is my daughter, penny.
You didn't like the lion king.
You're mean.
Penny! It's all right.
Rex Reed did the same thing.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Rex did that, too.
Sorry again about the pepper spray.
Would you like to come in? Well, let me check my schedule.
I think I can wedge it in.
Oh, my lord, I look like pat Riley.
Oh, Jay, be careful of the Plant.
Funny man.
Now, Jay, your clothes were soaked, so I had to put you in one of my old maternity dresses.
On a lesser man, this would look undignified.
Are you gonna have puppies? Shouldn't you be watching some cartoon filled with pointless violence? Ow.
Funny man.
Is that penny's dad? Yeah, that's Cyrus.
I was waiting tables in Knoxville while Cyrus tried to make it as a country singer.
But then I began to suspect he was cheatin' on me.
How? It was in his songs.
My lyin' heart, daddy's steppin' out.
And then his album: I'm bein' unfaithful to my wife, Alice tompkins.
You heard me.
Alice tompkins.
Well, I, too, know the pain of a faithless spouse.
Ardeth, this court awards you the house, the car, and that lamp in the bedroom I really like.
Thanks, lover.
Here's to finding people who deserve us more.
Mmm-mmm.
Good cocoa.
Now it's time to flash her that Jay sherman smile.
So, why'd you come to New York, anyway? I wanted to show penny that a woman could make it without a man.
I'm smart, I 'm good with numbers, I'm handy with a paintbrush.
Wow.
I don't know how I missed that before.
So I come up here to New York, hopin' somehow, when I least expected it, opportunity would come a-knockin'.
Ms.
Alice tompkins? Yes? I've got some news for you.
It's your ticket out of this run-down flophouse.
Oh, that's wonderful! You're evicted! I'm sorry.
If there's anything I could do to cheer you up Very good.
Now I must be going.
Jay, did that hurt? No, but this will.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Our last film tonight stars tom Hanks in Forrest Gump 2: Gump harder.
Mr.
president, I'm Forrest Gump, owner of bubba gump shrimp.
Shrimp? I love shrimp.
Shrimp cocktails, shrimp scampi, shrimp puffs, shrimp kebab, peanut butter and shrimp sandwiches, shrimp milkshakes, shrimp wine, count shrimpula cereal, and blueberry pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, a little brown sugar and some shrimp.
You sure like shrimp, Mr.
president.
Did you say shrimp? I love shrimp.
Shrimp cocktail, shrimp scampi, shrimp puffs, shrimp kebab I enjoyed this film.
Especially the buckets of fried shrimp they gave out at the premiere.
Oh, I just remembered.
I'm allergic to shrimp! Makeup! Doris, I need your advice on a personal matter.
For the last time, forget the pec implants and go right for the tummy tuck.
Tummy tuck! I don't like the sound of that.
Hush, you.
Look, I just met this woman.
She's about to be evicted.
She has no money.
I know I've got to help her, but how do you give money to someone you hardly know? At this point in your career, little squirrel, I'd be hoarding my nuts.
Winter's coming.
Duke, don't you have anything better to do? Well, it is time for my 15-second workout.
Now, about that lady friend of yours.
I say slip her the money without her knowin'.
The best charity is always anonymous.
What about that? All hail Duke.
Duke is life.
All hail Duke.
Duke is life.
All Pigeons seem to like the sound of my Hmm, the perfect crime.
What's the perfect crime, Jay? Ah! If you live there, then who All right! Time to buy me an uzi.
Jay, were you trying to give me money? No.
I was giving it to my good friend, uh, crazy postman.
Look, I do not take charity.
Daddy only gave me one thing: His pride.
His prod? No, his pride.
His broad? No, his pride.
His forget it.
If you don't want a gift, how about a job? I've been looking for a personal assistant.
My old one left over "creative differences.
" I can't reassure him anymore.
"Yes, your tie is ok.
" "No, you're not too fat.
" "You can hardly tell it's a toupee.
" I don't wanna take a job just because you feel sorry for me.
That's the way I get all my jobs.
Oh, hush.
Look, I want you to work for me because you're bright, you're talented.
Well, I did paint that mural on the exposed brick wall.
I don't know how I keep missing these things.
Well, I am tempted, but there is one more reason I shouldn't work for you.
Oh, are the first 2 letters "b.
O.
"? No, if I take the job, it'll be impossible for us to date.
We were gonna date! I mean, tell me more, my Dixie riddle cup.
Honey, I am a little attracted to ya.
So what should we do? Don't take the job.
I'll take the job.
Excellent! Jay, did that hurt? No, I severed the nerve.
Now the first thing we have to do is type up my resume.
I'm getting fired! Why would anybody fire you? You're terrific.
There's only one thing I'd change about you.
- It's me.
I know it.
- Everyone's against me.
It's your wardrobe.
When was the last time a woman dressed you? Well Have fun at summer camp, son.
Sweetie, I think that was the bus to attica prison.
Oh.
Well, Jay can be their little mascot.
In every boy's life, there's a summer of '72.
Jay, I'm gonna turn you into a sharp-dressed man.
Very attractive.
Hey, welcome to the new coming attractions where we now emphasize style over substance.
We'll review 4 flicks, but first, something for the chicks.
What's the deal? Is this some kinda Jewish holiday? Shalom! The ratings just jumped 50 percent.
From squat to squat-and-a-half.
Tonight, the people who gave us tom cruise as a vampire, now bring us Al Pacino in scent of a wolfman.
Who gets the raw dead goat? That would be me.
Hoo-hah! Now come on, Charlie.
I wanna get a drink.
Now let's get some exercise.
Hoo-hah! Normally, this is where I review the movie.
But I feel so good, I thought I'd pose for you some more.
Now that's what I call film criticism.
Great show, little buddy.
Your job is safe.
Boss, this is my assistant, Alice tompkins.
She's the one who really turned my show around.
It's nice to meet you, sir.
I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation.
"I just drank 2 bottles of Tequila.
"My wife doesn't know I'm here.
"Any of you girls over 18?" I still give that speech today.
You know, Southern people like us have to work extra hard here in New York.
People hear the way we talk and just assume we're illiterate country bumpkins.
doo-dah, doo-dah all the doo-dah Big, dumb, belchin' bear.
doo-dah maybe we should leave them alone.
I'll have the brisket sorry, we're out Hey, Jeremy.
Jay, good to see you, mate.
How's your new assistant? Jer', she's changed my life.
My show is better, she makes me laugh Have you done the dirty dingo? No, it's not that kind of relationship.
We're just friends.
We are together all day, but I never touch her porcelain skin, her soft, red lips, like rose petals from the emperor's bathwater.
Bathwater, I tell you! Bathwater! Look, bubbee, you can't go on like this.
You're right.
I want you to go to that woman's house tonight and tell her how you feel about her! I'll do it.
In the words of the poet, "carpe canem.
" Yes! "Carpe canem?" Seize the dog? You heard me.
Yes! Seize the dog! Seize the dog! This can't be right.
This can't be right.
Wish me luck, dog.
I'm in love! Alice, I wanted to tell you exactly how I feel about you.
Oh, Jay, this is my husband, Cyrus.
Cyrus, this is my boss, Jay.
I want to thank you for helping my wife and my little girl.
It's, uh, more than I did.
Well, there are a lot of people in New York who would've done what I did.
They're called putzes.
Hmm, I like pepperoni on my putzes.
I'll bet you do.
Penny, why don't you go show Jay your dollies? Hmm This is the worst night of my life.
Oh! It's time for Humphrey the hippo.
Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! Hey, Madonna! Don't with me, hippo.
Hey, do you eat with that mouth? Yeah.
And I also With it.
Look, Cyrus, it's over.
I loved you and you cheated on me.
Y-yeah, but doesn't the Bible say, "thou shalt forgive thy husband for his fickle pickle?" Look, Alice, I've changed.
I mean, can't you at least hear me out? All right, but not now.
I've gotta let this sink in.
Fine.
I'll come back tomorrow.
You think it over and you talk about it with your little gay friend.
Jay is not gay! Thank you.
Not that I've been eavesdropping.
Oh, Mr.
Wilson! What do you want? That kid is a pain in the ass.
Listen, can I leave early tonight? Cyrus is comin' over.
How can you think about going back to that guy? All right, I've got this weakness, ok? I know Cyrus is completely wrong for me, but every time I'm about to kick him out, he sings to me.
And? And I melt like butter on a bagel.
God, I've been in New York too long.
Anyway, when Cyrus sings, it just cuts through all my defenses and touches my heart.
But he treated you like dirt.
Look, haven't you ever been in a situation that was bad for you, but at the same time, you couldn't leave? Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.
I've gotta do something.
Cyrus, I've given this a lot of thought.
I just can't risk bein' hurt again.
But you can do one decent thing.
Walk out that door, see penny often, and let's get on with our lives.
I see.
Well, if that's the way you want it.
Alice please don't sing to me.
You make any home a palace if I could be with you oh, damn.
Cyrus is just a virus hey! Look, I I don't know what this looks like to you.
I've lost my ability to tell between what's cute and what's idiotic.
I just think you should know that you don't need anyone to choose what's best for you.
It may not be me, but I'm sure it's not him.
Lover You're right.
Cyrus, it's not working.
It's over, darling.
Don't you come back now, you hear? I'm never gonna give up.
Hey, gorgeous! What's your name? Thank you, Jay.
Jay yay.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
But I have nowhere to go.
Shh.