The Detour (2016) s02e01 Episode Script
The City
1 - Hey.
- Hi.
- I'm Nate.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Um, you're a piece of shit.
- We doing it? - God, yeah, we're gonna do it.
[Grunts, Exhales Sharply.]
Hey, what's your name again? What do you do for money? I got a job at this bio-tech pharma company.
You're fired, Nate.
Twins? That's super scary.
I know.
What do you do with twins? So, when did you get married? And do you take Robin to be your lawfully wedded wife? SÃ.
And do you, Robin, take Carlos as your lawfully wedded husband? II do.
Who the hell is Carlos? I married him so that I could help him get his green card, and he paid for my college.
Wait, so guys aren't actually married? Nope.
No, I couldn't find Carlos to get the annulment before you guys arrived, so we never really got around to doing it.
Nate, I'm guilty.
No, you're not.
We haven't been charged.
You took enough for four people.
Well, drugs are for people.
Wait, so Mom's the loser? Yes.
Am I in trouble? We are looking for this woman.
Robin Randall.
AKA AKA AKA Just how well do you know your wife? Who are you? I can't tell you.
What's your name? I can't tell you.
I don't have a name.
What are you, a spy? No.
You're an assassin.
No.
You're involved in something dangerous.
Uh You said you shot someone.
No, I said I may have been involved in some people losing their lives.
So you're a criminal.
Some government agencies have their eye on me.
Should I be afraid of you? You should be cautious.
God, I am so, so confused right now.
We don't have much more time.
Then tell me.
I can't.
I don't want to play anymore, so tell me.
Listen.
Why don't you just calm down and try and think.
I am done playing this game.
[Timer Rings.]
Yes, you are, 'cause your time's up.
She was a mosquito.
I thought that right away.
God, you guys are so intense.
Third question in, you said animal.
A mosquito's not an animal.
Yeah, but it's more an animal than a vegetable or mineral.
What kind of assassin can fly? Um, all of them, Janice.
You two really pushed the boundaries of yes or no answers.
[Laughs.]
Oh, really? We're the ones who write words in Pictionary.
We don't write words in Pictionary.
You wrote "Walmart.
" It's the sign on the store.
The clue was Walmart.
And it still took you three guesses.
Excuse me, your husband pulled out his you-know-what last week.
Yeah, and I got "nuts" in one guess.
Yeah.
How else would you get nuts? Uh What's that? That's That's having a stroke.
You look like a mental patient.
Are you Oh.
What are you, hanging yourself? - What is No! - No, you ca - No props! - Whatever! You guys are the biggest cheaters we've ever played with.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, please, Janice.
I think you know a little more about cheating on things than we do.
What? I think we better call it a day.
[Sighs.]
I thought they'd worked it out.
It's only been a month.
God, I can't believe we're still living in a trailer park.
And day drinking.
- Playing games on a Wednesday.
- This sucks.
Hey, babe.
Something's gonna come along.
I mean, it always does, right? Good things happen to good people.
- [Sighs.]
- And who's better than us? - Nobody.
- No.
When did you know? I knew the second you stopped letting me cut your hair! Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted Music Plays.]
Oh, hi.
How are you? I'm here to meet Sir, this is a jacket-required club.
Oh, okay.
I didn't wear one 'cause it's, you know, it's hot out, so We can get you a house jacket.
House jacket.
All right.
Cool.
That's awesome.
Never been part of a club before.
It's like I won the Masters.
Do you have grown-up sizes, or? What the hell are you wearing, son? Oh, it's it's the house jacket.
- They said it was a rule.
- Oh.
I never met a rule I couldn't break with the purchase of a $300 Scotch.
Hey, sweetheart, set us up here, will you? Make them doubles.
Yeah, can I get mine on the rocks? What, do you live in a trailer? It's a manufactured-home community.
But yeah.
Ah.
J.
R.
: So, you've been unemployed for a year.
Well, you know, it's only been 19 months.
On paper, you're good.
Thank you.
But then I called your old boss.
Oh.
[Clears Throat.]
And that's when I found out you were great.
[Chuckling.]
Really? He said that? Oh, no.
No, he said you were a dipshit who discharged a fire extinguisher in his face 'cause you disagreed with him.
Right.
Right.
I'm confused.
Why am I still here? 'Cause I need a man like you.
Principled.
That guy had no idea what he had in you.
You don't get mad at a wolf when it won't sit in your lap and eat bon bons.
I've always said that.
No, you haven't.
So, structured hydro-nutrients.
Sounds good coming out of your mouth.
I mean, it's just water.
But, you know, the placebic supplements, you can you can market those in an ethical way.
It's the most important substance on Earth.
Hey, it's what separates us from Mars.
Right? You know what we need to do is make a, like, a pamphlet.
Then that's what we'll do.
Boss.
Ooh, look at that.
Embossed.
Oh! Shit! You put my name on it.
[Chuckles.]
Calls for a celebration.
[Singing "He'S Got The Whole World In His Hands" In Mandarin.]
Come on, Nate.
Your turn.
I I don't sing Chinese.
The words are right there.
All you got to do is read them.
You look at that gobbledegook and see words? - Ah.
- That's awesome.
- [Singing Continues.]
Come on.
[Both Singing.]
- This is awesome.
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
You're awesome.
- Oh.
This city is awesome.
- Oh, it's pretty good.
- This is my dream job.
Yeah.
Being in charge of things, running things.
Isabel, get me a coffee.
Hey, Martin, where are those faxes? This [Both Chuckle.]
Oh.
Oh, shit, sorry.
I just got excited.
I'm I'm totally against violence.
Don't apologize.
You're a wolf.
Ow-oooooh! See you Monday.
[Laughs.]
Yes, you will.
Yes, indeed.
Whoo! Yes! No.
Yeah.
Are you sure you really want to be going back to New York City? Of course I'm not sure.
But what choice do I have? New York! Hey, is everything in your husband's closet going? No, that is gross.
Uh, we're just gonna get him a whole new wardrobe.
You can have it.
Oh.
And take the tank top, too.
Yes! Hey, why is this in my carry-on? Uh, 'cause it's important.
- Is that what I think it is? - Yes.
- I didn't know you still had that.
- Shh.
- Hey, Whispers.
- Hm? I'm not bringing this on the plane with us.
Yeah, you are.
It's not gonna fit in the overhead.
It'll fit.
I'll buy you a new piece of scrap metal when we get there.
Babe, this is "impor-ant.
" Okay.
So is the "T" in the middle of that word.
- Okay.
- Does he not know what that is? No, he doesn't.
And we're gonna keep it that way.
You know that's half mine.
I could really use the money right now.
- It's too hot to sell right now.
- Still? Yes.
Oh, hey.
But if you want to sell something, why don't you sell Nate's clothes? No, no, no, no, no.
We already called dibs.
That's not how moving works, guy.
Uh, um, uh, Amber, listen.
Y-you're-you're great.
It's just No, I I don't need the speech.
I could tell I wasn't really your type.
No, it's just It's okay to admit you're not really into girls like me.
- What's that mean? - You know She means rednecks, dummy.
You're not into rednecks.
Okay, that's not what I meant.
And neither am I.
New York is going to do us a world of good.
I cannot wait to get out of here.
It offer diversity, education, culture.
That's just the speech that Dad gave us.
You got your culture.
You got your education.
And the diversity? I mean, come on.
This guy's gonna get so much diversity.
I know.
He's gonna love it.
You guys talking about New York? Huh? - Yep! - Who's ready to get some? Huh? Ow-ooooooh! Ow-oooooh! So long, rednecks.
- Come on.
- Yeah! Ha! [Locksley'S "Black Ajax" Plays.]
I got my sunlight laughs and my moonlight grins And the ladies like whiskey and the boys drop gins, oh Yeah Yeah [Music Stops.]
- Right.
- Sucker, sucker.
- Well, just - Right? Don't.
Upstairs.
Come on.
- Whoo! - Get some.
Hey, what's up? Parkers.
New York City.
First class.
- I know.
- Huh? I know, honey.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Um, it appears that you're on the no-fly list.
What? Come on.
That's got to be a mistake.
Probably yes.
But unfortunately, you will not be able to fly with us today.
But it should be straightened out in about a year.
We're such losers.
Well, how do losers get to New York? [Music Continues.]
I got my sunlight laughs and my moonlight grins And the ladies like whiskey and the boys drop gins, oh Careful.
It's important.
See? Hey, I don't think we should go.
Yeah, on a bus? No doubt.
I'm the only C.
O.
O.
who travels by Road Way Bus Lines.
- Last call for New York.
- All right, let's go.
- Nope.
Mnh-mnh.
No.
- Where are you going? I'm second-guessing this whole thing.
What? It's a little late for that.
Well, it's just happening so fast, you know? That's what happens when you get a job elsewhere.
- You move quick.
- Okay, what about the airport? - That was a sign.
- That was a mistake.
Was it? Yes.
And since when do you listen to signs? You've just never lived there.
Okay? It's loud.
And it's dangerous.
Not anymore.
We just don't belong.
- We don't belong anywhere.
- Exactly.
You think our neighbors hated us in Syracuse? Just wait.
New Yorkers are nuts.
Mom, we'll be fine.
Relax.
Don't Don't use that word.
Come on.
We got to go.
I did a lot of bad things when I lived there.
We did bad things when we're young, okay? That's what being young's all about being stupid.
Okay, family vote.
- Oh, shit.
- Everybody gets a say, all right? Who actually wants to live in Great family moment.
Let's go.
Come on.
- What's the matter with you? Hmm? - I'm just I'm, uh You scared? - No, I'm not s - nervous, huh, about finding a new Um Where's the bus to New York? It went to New York.
No.
No, no, no.
My bag was on that bus.
We'll hold it for you there.
Next one leaves in three hours.
Ohhh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I got a better idea.
["Black Ajax" Plays.]
Sorry, folks.
We're all out of cars.
How is that even remotely possible? Uh, it's Thursday.
Looks like it's your lucky day.
I could give you that bad boy right there.
You don't have anything smaller, do you? Afraid not.
You don't have any cars? Do you see any cars? So, that's a one-way to New York City.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
You folks are gonna get trucked.
[Laughs.]
You guys are gonna get trucked.
You're gonna take me for a ride You're gonna take me for a ride You're gonna take me for a ride You're gonna take me for a ride Come on.
How great is this? You get locks and socks and mangoes, all within a block from where we live.
We can get all that at Walmart.
Hey, can I buy this hat? It's awesome.
- Oh, that's cute.
- No, no, no, put it back.
- Why? It's adorable.
- It's offensive.
Put it back.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Wait, no, stop.
It's a red light.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Come on.
It's That's silly.
You know what happens if you break a law? You go to jail.
[New York Accent.]
All right, kid, let me tell you a little something about what I learned while I was living here.
- You doing an accent? - Red lights are a suggestion.
They're like tip jars or religion.
I don't care.
I'm gonna stay here, and I'm gonna wait for the white man.
No, no, no.
We shouldn't use that phrase.
What? Why? He uses that phrase all the time.
It's It's not a big deal, dude.
Yeah, 'cause he's white.
All right? Let's not use that phrase in this new neighborhood.
Relax.
Our kids don't see race.
It's because they were literally raised in a place where there was no race.
What is that? Is that white? Yes.
But that's not really the point.
- Is it a man? - Mm, could be a woman.
- It's a man.
- Bald with slacks.
It's a man.
It's a white man.
So quit being so sensitive, white man.
- It's not my sensitivity, okay? - Isn't it, though? It's everyone's sensitivity to It's pretty much just yours.
- No.
- Hey! The white man didn't tell you you can cross yet.
Excuse me? Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
Do you know what'd happen if you don't listen to the white man? [Laughs Nervously.]
He He He just didn't want you to break the law.
It's a thing he does.
- Who's law? Jim Crow? - No.
Do you know what chaos we'd be in if we didn't listen to the white man? Shh.
Stop talking.
Please.
Uh [Laughs Nervously.]
- [Jamaican Accent.]
Hey,mon, everytin' irie? - Shh.
Everyting far from "irie.
" It would seem like that.
What do you guys call the white man? No, Mom.
[Trinidadian Accent.]
You don't want to know.
Mom, come.
Mom, come.
- Come go.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
See? - No, they're fine.
Come on.
Let's go.
There's no traffic.
- [Tires Screeching.]
- Let's go.
[Tires Squealing.]
[Groans.]
- Whoa.
- I'm good.
- You're okay? - I'm good.
The white man tells you when to go, asshole.
Yes, I know.
I'm aware.
So, what do we think of our new home? This whole building's ours? We're rich.
No, we're just on one floor.
We're one of five apartments on one floor.
Oh, so we're poorer than we were.
Great.
- Agh.
- We're not poor.
This is so expensive.
Hey, guys, it's five.
Hit five.
- Nice.
- What you moving, there? Hmm? Sorry, what'd you say? I said, what you moving, there? - Oh, uh - It's our stuff.
Yeah.
We're moving inside.
Bye.
Oh, so it's like that, is it? I'm nothing to you? - No.
- I never said that.
- Okay.
- Yeah, New York.
See you later.
Well, maybe you'll have a little respect for the uniform.
- Oh.
- Doorman.
- New York.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Classic uniform.
You don't have to put the whole no, I get it.
No, he's II'm s You don't need the hat.
We get that.
There he is.
- All right.
- Paddy Greenberg.
- Hey, man, how's it going? - I run this joint.
Oh, s-sorry about the confusing Never judge a book by its cover.
- No.
- Never again.
Where you moving? Yeah? 5B? - As in bagel, right? - That's right.
Yeah.
Listen.
I didn't have time for an inspection.
I've been swamped with all this.
But, uh, family's supposed to have moved out last week.
I'm sure they left it spick-and-span.
- They're good people.
- Great.
Thank you.
Great.
Yeah, I got got most of that.
All right.
You need anything, I'm always here.
24/7.
Seven days a week.
Wednesday through Sunday.
9:00 to 4:30.
That's most of the time.
Okay, yeah.
- Great hours.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Well, bye.
- Good good meeting you.
Did you get any of that? Nope.
None of it.
[Elevator Dings.]
Ah.
Here we go.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, God, what is that smell? It's called culture.
It's rotting fermented culture.
Can we be a little more accepting of all things different? Okay? Or else we're not gonna make any new friends.
Oh, I will.
Five out of six people love me.
I keep track.
[Keys Jingle.]
This will do it.
- Got it? - Yep.
- Is it stuck? - No, it j You know, these old doors.
They're if I could Can I help you? Yeah, uh, is this 5B? Mm-hmm.
Hi.
I'm Delilah.
I'm Chase.
You like planes? I like planes too.
Hey, I think I love you So what am I so afraid of I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for I think I love you Isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say I never felt this way Whoa.
What was that? What was what? Why was I Jewish? He said 5B, right? Yeah, "B" as in bagel.
HARRIS: Who is it, sweetie? What the You followed me home? - N uh N What is happening here? - I don't know.
I, uh We're supposed to be moving in here.
What are you talking about? We live here.
Are you from the street? What's that supposed to mean? N-no.
N-no.
No, I j [Laughs Nervously.]
M Uh, maybe I made a mistake.
Yeah, you did.
[Door Slams.]
The broker's not picking up.
And where's this Paddy guy? All right, guys, uh, slow your roll.
We have a bit of a situation.
Yeah, so do we.
We got another job to get to in Syracuse.
So send another truck.
Badda boom, badda bing.
Unfortunately, we can't.
You see, we're just Tom, his cousin Ray, and a truck they bought together.
Yeah, I know, it's Oh.
Oh! You literally only have one tr I'm sorry.
- I thought it was a folksy joke.
- Oh, no joke, ma'am.
Cousin Ray still owes 15 grand on this thing.
Look at this.
Right here.
5B.
Bagel.
Would you Don't yell.
Easy, easy.
Easy! God, don't be so aggressive.
Hey.
Little light reading for you, dude.
- This place is ours.
- Slow down.
Whose names are on there? Oh, look.
It's Nate Parker and Robin Randall.
- And that is not you.
- Oh, God.
Harris, don't take the lord's name in vain.
Oh, look who we have here.
Goddamn David Duke and his goddamn wife, Paula Deen.
We told management we weren't leaving.
We told Paddy we weren't leaving.
Well, it looks like you're gonna have to because this place is ours.
Or I could just call the cops.
Go ahead and call them.
Then number is 9 Mom.
Mom, come on, go.
Come, come.
- I came in too hot.
- You think? Were those people in the apartment when you saw it? They weren't in the pictures when I saw the apartment.
You didn't see the apar oh, my God.
Nate.
- No, this is not my fault.
- This is absolutely your fault.
You You rented an apartment without seeing it, - and now we have squatters.
- They do not look like squatters.
Well, it takes a squatter to know a squatter.
- You didn't squat.
- Oh, boy, I squatted.
And the first move in a successful squat is to be like, "What are you talking about? We live here.
" It buys you your first month of squatting.
Then let's do what she said.
Let's call the police.
Oh, no.
No, I was bluffing.
Tenancy sufferance is a civil issue, and it could take months to litigate.
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo.
There's no price tag on this.
Yeah, 'cause it's not for sale.
Well, if you don't label it, I'm gonna think it's free.
It's not free.
Then how much is it? It's not for sale.
Oh, you put the "stupid" in stoop sale.
- What the hell does that mean? - I don't know what that means.
Oh, hey, hey.
Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Gi come on.
Get it, Nate.
Get it.
God, you're so strong for such a - For such a what? - Excuse me.
We're actually moving.
Can't you see the moving truck here? What? That one? [Laughs.]
- Oh.
Hey! - Nate! - Hey! - Nate, do something! What What would you like me to do, chase down the truck? Yes, chase the truck down! I already got hit by a cab today! - You're fine.
- I am not fine.
I can't feel No, Nate! She's taking my foot massager! - Which one do you want me to get? - Both! ICh - She needs it more than you.
- Oh, God.
Agh! Come on, come on Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's NATE: Get trucked! Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's Get trucked! Oh, we're getting trucked.
We're getting trucked by squatters.
I'm just trying to stay positive.
Can you work with me? Come on, let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get trucked Come on, let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get trucked I'm gonna hit this van Oh, my God, that's so tight.
[Truck Beeping.]
How am I doing? Oh! What did I hit? Did I hit a car? ROBIN: Just keep going.
Go, go, go, go.
It's too tight.
It's not gonna fit.
Oh, where's that positivity? Positivity doesn't affect physics! - Why are you yelling at me? - I don't know! It's this city! It's driving me nuts! Yes! This is what I'm talking about! It attacks you! - [Horn Honking.]
- Oh, thanks! Thank you.
That honking helps a lot.
You're just going along, you tink everyting's irie, and then bam, another problem comes along.
Everyting's what? MAN: Regina? It is you! Isn't it? Regina Alberta.
Of all the people to run into.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Babe, what are you doing? I think you have me confused with somebody else.
- No, it's you.
- I need your help! Okay, it's me.
It's me.
But I've got a bit of a situation here, so - Hey, Nate, can you see me? - Can you see me? - No! - Then I can't see you! Oh, I get it.
New life, new cover.
- Enough said.
Enough said.
- Okay.
But great to see you again, old friend.
And, uh, thank you for what you did.
Okay.
[Horn Honking.]
Hey, my first New York asshole.
All right.
Suits you well.
I'm here! How much room do I have? Regina Alberta.
She was my wife.
Your wife's got a shitty name.
God, what is wrong with this city? - It's nuts.
- [Horn Honking.]
Stop honking! So, looks like we're gonna be living in the same apartment together, huh? What do you say? Split a room? I'm in.
What about you, fly boy? Hey, I think I love you So what am I so afraid of? Afraid that I'm not sure of Is he okay? Oh, uh, name's Jareb.
With a "B.
" As in "boy" or "bras" or "bet you're wearing.
" I'm wearing a bra too.
It's got ducks on it.
Uh, for her boobs she wears a bra.
You guys aren't around people much, are you? Boobs.
They d they, well, they They just stay put.
God, that's tight.
How do people do this in this city? Nate, I think we made a mistake moving here.
No.
Not the time for this conversation.
We don't have a place to stay.
Let's just pack up all of our stuff and go home.
I mean, I'm sure our trailer's still available.
And the kids start school in two weeks.
Let's just treat it like another shitty vacation.
And what, then? I commute 10 hours a day? Was that bad? It's fine.
[Horn Honking.]
Okay, relax.
Where's the fire? - [Siren Wailing.]
- Oh, shit.
I think it's, like, that way.
You just need an ice breaker.
Like a compliment? Imagine something your dad said to your mom on their wedding day.
Oh, they're not married.
She's married to some other fat guy named Carlos.
Your dad's got to say something romantic to get a pretty woman like your mom.
What would he say? Hey, you want to [Bleep.]
and order a pizza? [Chuckles.]
[Laughs Nervously.]
Yeah, I get it.
I love this guy.
Well, I love you too, s yeah.
[Horn Honking.]
FIREFIGHTER: Move your vehicle! Now! I'm trying to.
I'm just a little stuck here.
People are dying because you can't parallel park! Teenagers can parallel park better than you.
Girl teenagers.
- In Saudi Arabia.
- What? Because women aren't allowed to drive there.
It's sexist.
Ma'am, move now! God, this guy is being such an asshole.
- What'd you call me? - He called you an asshole.
Boys, this guy thinks we're a bunch of assholes! Oh, I love you guys.
You're awesome.
You're heroes.
Why don't you just drive around the block so we can go save a few lives? Yeah.
Or I'll just back it in.
I'll just get it in.
I-I will get it in.
I promise.
Lest we forget, I got this! Come on, woman, give it some gas! I got it! Boys.
[Groans.]
Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get parked! - Right? - Yeah.
So, if we're not going home, what are we gonna do? We're just gonna sleep in the truck? We just need some time to think, all right? Please.
Everyone needs to cool off.
Chase! Let's go.
Yeah, come on, kids.
Get away from those squatters.
Excuse me? What part of that is cooling off? Say it again, woman.
I dare you.
Everything okay, Harris? No, not really.
Poppin' Fresh here threatening to evict us.
Sorry, Poppin' Fresh? [Giggles.]
Violence is not the answer, sir.
- No one said it was.
- Nate, we have a contract.
- Goon up.
- She's aggressive, but right.
Okay? It is a legal contract that we have, - and we are entitled to this place.
- Well, legally they have the Civil Rights Act of 1964 on their side.
- Heard of it? - I have.
They didn't land on 125th street.
125th Street landed on them.
This is 153rd Street.
And we don't need you to talk for us.
- We can speak for ourselves, Lars.
- No, no, no, no.
In this relay for racial justice, it's my turn to carry the baton.
This isn't a black and white thing.
It's an asshole/not asshole thing.
No, it's it's not.
We don't really need you fanning the flames of a non-existent fire, okay? Oh, so it's not the color of their skin your resent.
It's the content of their wallet.
I'm a podiatrist.
No, no, no.
I know you make a fair wage.
It's just that I read an article in the Times that says it's distinction without difference.
Octothorp woke.
Get your own opinions.
Why do you go silent at times like these? - It's uncomfortable.
- You started it.
[Laughs Nervously.]
I, uh, I don't really know what to do here.
All I got to tell you is that this is our property, and we're not going anywhere.
- That's a classic squatter play.
- That - Excuse me? - Go back to being silent! Say it one more time, Frosty.
As in the snowman? Offensive, isn't it? Not really.
He was a jolly, happy soul.
Well, how would you feel if we called you a crackah? - "We?" - Did you say crackah? Word.
Lars, please.
Just stay out of it.
NATE: Everybody just needs to calm down! No, no.
This is my fight.
You rest up for the battle.
- There's no fight.
- No, th-th There's not a lot of mean names to call white people.
What about snowflake? They're beautiful and unique.
Casper? The ghost who can't scare anyone? What about bird turd? [Laughs.]
Nice one.
Why are you his friend and not mine? [Stomping.]
Juice? Yeah, I'll drink your juice.
Oh, we didn't start the fire.
It's always been that way.
I-I she might want some.
Kick his ass, Harris.
No.
No one's fighting here.
What, you saying I can't take you? Well, yes.
But that's not why I'm saying it.
Whoa, what the hell is going on here? - We have squatters.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You can't call them that.
- I didn't.
You know how offensive that is? And I should know.
[Voice Breaking.]
We used to be just like them.
- Excuse me? - The Irish.
Back in the day.
We were the blacks.
- Mm, no really.
- Yes.
Really.
Where do you think the expression - "Black Irish" came from? - Their hair color.
That's why I got this "no Irish need apply" tattoo.
Why would you put it on your back? So every day, when I look in the mirror It'd be backwards.
I'd be reminded of just how far we've come as a people.
Just like them.
You're one of the good ones, Doc.
Then why did you rent our apartment to them? I told you we weren't moving.
I know.
That's why they're in 5D.
What's the problem? No.
That's 5B.
- No, see, that's a "D.
" - That's a "B.
" - Nah.
- Mm.
Well, yeah maybe.
I see that.
But it's supposed to be a "D," so You almost incited a race war by standing there and saying "B as in bagel.
" I said "D as in dagel.
" - Dagel's not a word.
- Yes, it is.
Use it in a sentence.
Come here, Dagel! Come on, Dagel! [Dagel Barking.]
What the hell is that? Dagel.
He's my dog.
Why didn't you say "D as in dog"? Why did you assume I said "B as in bagel"? Because I'm half Jewish? Because I got a little oppression on that side too, you know.
- [Sighs.]
- I, uh[Laughs Nervously.]
I think we'll all be pretty good friends.
I don't.
Hey, uh, you want this? It's pretty nasty, but I don't want her to know.
Okay.
Thanks.
What did he say? He don't like the juice.
- Huh? - Wha? - The juice.
- Sorry, what? - Juice! - What about them? The boy hates the juice! No, he doesn't hate Um Oh, Jesus.
No, that's not what you should be hearing.
Then why you destroy our car? I didn't know it was a Jewish car.
And what does a Jewish car even look like? You know, maybe New York is not for you guys.
See? [Dance Music Playing.]
This is so awesome.
You can see into everyone's apartment.
I'm gonna be friends with that guy.
Hey, guys, I know today wasn't the smoothest journey getting here, 'cause, you know, we're just not good on the road, but when we get places, we're great, right? Yeah.
Let's check out more windows.
- Yeah! - Yeah? Right? No! No! What is wrong? It was the bus company.
My bag's gone.
Oh, my God.
Why is that hunk of metal all of a sudden the most important thing in the world to you? It's a piece of art, Nate, that my dad gave me before he walked out on us.
It's just a part of my past I'm not ready to let go of yet.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I get it.
But they're gonna find it.
You said it yourself.
Good things happen to good people.
And who's better than us? Nobody.
I wasn't a good person when I lived here.
Oh, my God.
Did you murder someone when you lived here? - No.
No.
- No.
You're a great person now.
And together, we're undefeatable.
Excuse me.
Buenas noches.
Was this woman on your bus? I don't think she ever got on.
But she left her bag.
Hey! You know her? Yes, I do, amigo!
- Hi.
- I'm Nate.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Um, you're a piece of shit.
- We doing it? - God, yeah, we're gonna do it.
[Grunts, Exhales Sharply.]
Hey, what's your name again? What do you do for money? I got a job at this bio-tech pharma company.
You're fired, Nate.
Twins? That's super scary.
I know.
What do you do with twins? So, when did you get married? And do you take Robin to be your lawfully wedded wife? SÃ.
And do you, Robin, take Carlos as your lawfully wedded husband? II do.
Who the hell is Carlos? I married him so that I could help him get his green card, and he paid for my college.
Wait, so guys aren't actually married? Nope.
No, I couldn't find Carlos to get the annulment before you guys arrived, so we never really got around to doing it.
Nate, I'm guilty.
No, you're not.
We haven't been charged.
You took enough for four people.
Well, drugs are for people.
Wait, so Mom's the loser? Yes.
Am I in trouble? We are looking for this woman.
Robin Randall.
AKA AKA AKA Just how well do you know your wife? Who are you? I can't tell you.
What's your name? I can't tell you.
I don't have a name.
What are you, a spy? No.
You're an assassin.
No.
You're involved in something dangerous.
Uh You said you shot someone.
No, I said I may have been involved in some people losing their lives.
So you're a criminal.
Some government agencies have their eye on me.
Should I be afraid of you? You should be cautious.
God, I am so, so confused right now.
We don't have much more time.
Then tell me.
I can't.
I don't want to play anymore, so tell me.
Listen.
Why don't you just calm down and try and think.
I am done playing this game.
[Timer Rings.]
Yes, you are, 'cause your time's up.
She was a mosquito.
I thought that right away.
God, you guys are so intense.
Third question in, you said animal.
A mosquito's not an animal.
Yeah, but it's more an animal than a vegetable or mineral.
What kind of assassin can fly? Um, all of them, Janice.
You two really pushed the boundaries of yes or no answers.
[Laughs.]
Oh, really? We're the ones who write words in Pictionary.
We don't write words in Pictionary.
You wrote "Walmart.
" It's the sign on the store.
The clue was Walmart.
And it still took you three guesses.
Excuse me, your husband pulled out his you-know-what last week.
Yeah, and I got "nuts" in one guess.
Yeah.
How else would you get nuts? Uh What's that? That's That's having a stroke.
You look like a mental patient.
Are you Oh.
What are you, hanging yourself? - What is No! - No, you ca - No props! - Whatever! You guys are the biggest cheaters we've ever played with.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, please, Janice.
I think you know a little more about cheating on things than we do.
What? I think we better call it a day.
[Sighs.]
I thought they'd worked it out.
It's only been a month.
God, I can't believe we're still living in a trailer park.
And day drinking.
- Playing games on a Wednesday.
- This sucks.
Hey, babe.
Something's gonna come along.
I mean, it always does, right? Good things happen to good people.
- [Sighs.]
- And who's better than us? - Nobody.
- No.
When did you know? I knew the second you stopped letting me cut your hair! Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted Music Plays.]
Oh, hi.
How are you? I'm here to meet Sir, this is a jacket-required club.
Oh, okay.
I didn't wear one 'cause it's, you know, it's hot out, so We can get you a house jacket.
House jacket.
All right.
Cool.
That's awesome.
Never been part of a club before.
It's like I won the Masters.
Do you have grown-up sizes, or? What the hell are you wearing, son? Oh, it's it's the house jacket.
- They said it was a rule.
- Oh.
I never met a rule I couldn't break with the purchase of a $300 Scotch.
Hey, sweetheart, set us up here, will you? Make them doubles.
Yeah, can I get mine on the rocks? What, do you live in a trailer? It's a manufactured-home community.
But yeah.
Ah.
J.
R.
: So, you've been unemployed for a year.
Well, you know, it's only been 19 months.
On paper, you're good.
Thank you.
But then I called your old boss.
Oh.
[Clears Throat.]
And that's when I found out you were great.
[Chuckling.]
Really? He said that? Oh, no.
No, he said you were a dipshit who discharged a fire extinguisher in his face 'cause you disagreed with him.
Right.
Right.
I'm confused.
Why am I still here? 'Cause I need a man like you.
Principled.
That guy had no idea what he had in you.
You don't get mad at a wolf when it won't sit in your lap and eat bon bons.
I've always said that.
No, you haven't.
So, structured hydro-nutrients.
Sounds good coming out of your mouth.
I mean, it's just water.
But, you know, the placebic supplements, you can you can market those in an ethical way.
It's the most important substance on Earth.
Hey, it's what separates us from Mars.
Right? You know what we need to do is make a, like, a pamphlet.
Then that's what we'll do.
Boss.
Ooh, look at that.
Embossed.
Oh! Shit! You put my name on it.
[Chuckles.]
Calls for a celebration.
[Singing "He'S Got The Whole World In His Hands" In Mandarin.]
Come on, Nate.
Your turn.
I I don't sing Chinese.
The words are right there.
All you got to do is read them.
You look at that gobbledegook and see words? - Ah.
- That's awesome.
- [Singing Continues.]
Come on.
[Both Singing.]
- This is awesome.
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
You're awesome.
- Oh.
This city is awesome.
- Oh, it's pretty good.
- This is my dream job.
Yeah.
Being in charge of things, running things.
Isabel, get me a coffee.
Hey, Martin, where are those faxes? This [Both Chuckle.]
Oh.
Oh, shit, sorry.
I just got excited.
I'm I'm totally against violence.
Don't apologize.
You're a wolf.
Ow-oooooh! See you Monday.
[Laughs.]
Yes, you will.
Yes, indeed.
Whoo! Yes! No.
Yeah.
Are you sure you really want to be going back to New York City? Of course I'm not sure.
But what choice do I have? New York! Hey, is everything in your husband's closet going? No, that is gross.
Uh, we're just gonna get him a whole new wardrobe.
You can have it.
Oh.
And take the tank top, too.
Yes! Hey, why is this in my carry-on? Uh, 'cause it's important.
- Is that what I think it is? - Yes.
- I didn't know you still had that.
- Shh.
- Hey, Whispers.
- Hm? I'm not bringing this on the plane with us.
Yeah, you are.
It's not gonna fit in the overhead.
It'll fit.
I'll buy you a new piece of scrap metal when we get there.
Babe, this is "impor-ant.
" Okay.
So is the "T" in the middle of that word.
- Okay.
- Does he not know what that is? No, he doesn't.
And we're gonna keep it that way.
You know that's half mine.
I could really use the money right now.
- It's too hot to sell right now.
- Still? Yes.
Oh, hey.
But if you want to sell something, why don't you sell Nate's clothes? No, no, no, no, no.
We already called dibs.
That's not how moving works, guy.
Uh, um, uh, Amber, listen.
Y-you're-you're great.
It's just No, I I don't need the speech.
I could tell I wasn't really your type.
No, it's just It's okay to admit you're not really into girls like me.
- What's that mean? - You know She means rednecks, dummy.
You're not into rednecks.
Okay, that's not what I meant.
And neither am I.
New York is going to do us a world of good.
I cannot wait to get out of here.
It offer diversity, education, culture.
That's just the speech that Dad gave us.
You got your culture.
You got your education.
And the diversity? I mean, come on.
This guy's gonna get so much diversity.
I know.
He's gonna love it.
You guys talking about New York? Huh? - Yep! - Who's ready to get some? Huh? Ow-ooooooh! Ow-oooooh! So long, rednecks.
- Come on.
- Yeah! Ha! [Locksley'S "Black Ajax" Plays.]
I got my sunlight laughs and my moonlight grins And the ladies like whiskey and the boys drop gins, oh Yeah Yeah [Music Stops.]
- Right.
- Sucker, sucker.
- Well, just - Right? Don't.
Upstairs.
Come on.
- Whoo! - Get some.
Hey, what's up? Parkers.
New York City.
First class.
- I know.
- Huh? I know, honey.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Um, it appears that you're on the no-fly list.
What? Come on.
That's got to be a mistake.
Probably yes.
But unfortunately, you will not be able to fly with us today.
But it should be straightened out in about a year.
We're such losers.
Well, how do losers get to New York? [Music Continues.]
I got my sunlight laughs and my moonlight grins And the ladies like whiskey and the boys drop gins, oh Careful.
It's important.
See? Hey, I don't think we should go.
Yeah, on a bus? No doubt.
I'm the only C.
O.
O.
who travels by Road Way Bus Lines.
- Last call for New York.
- All right, let's go.
- Nope.
Mnh-mnh.
No.
- Where are you going? I'm second-guessing this whole thing.
What? It's a little late for that.
Well, it's just happening so fast, you know? That's what happens when you get a job elsewhere.
- You move quick.
- Okay, what about the airport? - That was a sign.
- That was a mistake.
Was it? Yes.
And since when do you listen to signs? You've just never lived there.
Okay? It's loud.
And it's dangerous.
Not anymore.
We just don't belong.
- We don't belong anywhere.
- Exactly.
You think our neighbors hated us in Syracuse? Just wait.
New Yorkers are nuts.
Mom, we'll be fine.
Relax.
Don't Don't use that word.
Come on.
We got to go.
I did a lot of bad things when I lived there.
We did bad things when we're young, okay? That's what being young's all about being stupid.
Okay, family vote.
- Oh, shit.
- Everybody gets a say, all right? Who actually wants to live in Great family moment.
Let's go.
Come on.
- What's the matter with you? Hmm? - I'm just I'm, uh You scared? - No, I'm not s - nervous, huh, about finding a new Um Where's the bus to New York? It went to New York.
No.
No, no, no.
My bag was on that bus.
We'll hold it for you there.
Next one leaves in three hours.
Ohhh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I got a better idea.
["Black Ajax" Plays.]
Sorry, folks.
We're all out of cars.
How is that even remotely possible? Uh, it's Thursday.
Looks like it's your lucky day.
I could give you that bad boy right there.
You don't have anything smaller, do you? Afraid not.
You don't have any cars? Do you see any cars? So, that's a one-way to New York City.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
You folks are gonna get trucked.
[Laughs.]
You guys are gonna get trucked.
You're gonna take me for a ride You're gonna take me for a ride You're gonna take me for a ride You're gonna take me for a ride Come on.
How great is this? You get locks and socks and mangoes, all within a block from where we live.
We can get all that at Walmart.
Hey, can I buy this hat? It's awesome.
- Oh, that's cute.
- No, no, no, put it back.
- Why? It's adorable.
- It's offensive.
Put it back.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Wait, no, stop.
It's a red light.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Come on.
It's That's silly.
You know what happens if you break a law? You go to jail.
[New York Accent.]
All right, kid, let me tell you a little something about what I learned while I was living here.
- You doing an accent? - Red lights are a suggestion.
They're like tip jars or religion.
I don't care.
I'm gonna stay here, and I'm gonna wait for the white man.
No, no, no.
We shouldn't use that phrase.
What? Why? He uses that phrase all the time.
It's It's not a big deal, dude.
Yeah, 'cause he's white.
All right? Let's not use that phrase in this new neighborhood.
Relax.
Our kids don't see race.
It's because they were literally raised in a place where there was no race.
What is that? Is that white? Yes.
But that's not really the point.
- Is it a man? - Mm, could be a woman.
- It's a man.
- Bald with slacks.
It's a man.
It's a white man.
So quit being so sensitive, white man.
- It's not my sensitivity, okay? - Isn't it, though? It's everyone's sensitivity to It's pretty much just yours.
- No.
- Hey! The white man didn't tell you you can cross yet.
Excuse me? Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
Do you know what'd happen if you don't listen to the white man? [Laughs Nervously.]
He He He just didn't want you to break the law.
It's a thing he does.
- Who's law? Jim Crow? - No.
Do you know what chaos we'd be in if we didn't listen to the white man? Shh.
Stop talking.
Please.
Uh [Laughs Nervously.]
- [Jamaican Accent.]
Hey,mon, everytin' irie? - Shh.
Everyting far from "irie.
" It would seem like that.
What do you guys call the white man? No, Mom.
[Trinidadian Accent.]
You don't want to know.
Mom, come.
Mom, come.
- Come go.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
See? - No, they're fine.
Come on.
Let's go.
There's no traffic.
- [Tires Screeching.]
- Let's go.
[Tires Squealing.]
[Groans.]
- Whoa.
- I'm good.
- You're okay? - I'm good.
The white man tells you when to go, asshole.
Yes, I know.
I'm aware.
So, what do we think of our new home? This whole building's ours? We're rich.
No, we're just on one floor.
We're one of five apartments on one floor.
Oh, so we're poorer than we were.
Great.
- Agh.
- We're not poor.
This is so expensive.
Hey, guys, it's five.
Hit five.
- Nice.
- What you moving, there? Hmm? Sorry, what'd you say? I said, what you moving, there? - Oh, uh - It's our stuff.
Yeah.
We're moving inside.
Bye.
Oh, so it's like that, is it? I'm nothing to you? - No.
- I never said that.
- Okay.
- Yeah, New York.
See you later.
Well, maybe you'll have a little respect for the uniform.
- Oh.
- Doorman.
- New York.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Classic uniform.
You don't have to put the whole no, I get it.
No, he's II'm s You don't need the hat.
We get that.
There he is.
- All right.
- Paddy Greenberg.
- Hey, man, how's it going? - I run this joint.
Oh, s-sorry about the confusing Never judge a book by its cover.
- No.
- Never again.
Where you moving? Yeah? 5B? - As in bagel, right? - That's right.
Yeah.
Listen.
I didn't have time for an inspection.
I've been swamped with all this.
But, uh, family's supposed to have moved out last week.
I'm sure they left it spick-and-span.
- They're good people.
- Great.
Thank you.
Great.
Yeah, I got got most of that.
All right.
You need anything, I'm always here.
24/7.
Seven days a week.
Wednesday through Sunday.
9:00 to 4:30.
That's most of the time.
Okay, yeah.
- Great hours.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Well, bye.
- Good good meeting you.
Did you get any of that? Nope.
None of it.
[Elevator Dings.]
Ah.
Here we go.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, God, what is that smell? It's called culture.
It's rotting fermented culture.
Can we be a little more accepting of all things different? Okay? Or else we're not gonna make any new friends.
Oh, I will.
Five out of six people love me.
I keep track.
[Keys Jingle.]
This will do it.
- Got it? - Yep.
- Is it stuck? - No, it j You know, these old doors.
They're if I could Can I help you? Yeah, uh, is this 5B? Mm-hmm.
Hi.
I'm Delilah.
I'm Chase.
You like planes? I like planes too.
Hey, I think I love you So what am I so afraid of I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for I think I love you Isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say I never felt this way Whoa.
What was that? What was what? Why was I Jewish? He said 5B, right? Yeah, "B" as in bagel.
HARRIS: Who is it, sweetie? What the You followed me home? - N uh N What is happening here? - I don't know.
I, uh We're supposed to be moving in here.
What are you talking about? We live here.
Are you from the street? What's that supposed to mean? N-no.
N-no.
No, I j [Laughs Nervously.]
M Uh, maybe I made a mistake.
Yeah, you did.
[Door Slams.]
The broker's not picking up.
And where's this Paddy guy? All right, guys, uh, slow your roll.
We have a bit of a situation.
Yeah, so do we.
We got another job to get to in Syracuse.
So send another truck.
Badda boom, badda bing.
Unfortunately, we can't.
You see, we're just Tom, his cousin Ray, and a truck they bought together.
Yeah, I know, it's Oh.
Oh! You literally only have one tr I'm sorry.
- I thought it was a folksy joke.
- Oh, no joke, ma'am.
Cousin Ray still owes 15 grand on this thing.
Look at this.
Right here.
5B.
Bagel.
Would you Don't yell.
Easy, easy.
Easy! God, don't be so aggressive.
Hey.
Little light reading for you, dude.
- This place is ours.
- Slow down.
Whose names are on there? Oh, look.
It's Nate Parker and Robin Randall.
- And that is not you.
- Oh, God.
Harris, don't take the lord's name in vain.
Oh, look who we have here.
Goddamn David Duke and his goddamn wife, Paula Deen.
We told management we weren't leaving.
We told Paddy we weren't leaving.
Well, it looks like you're gonna have to because this place is ours.
Or I could just call the cops.
Go ahead and call them.
Then number is 9 Mom.
Mom, come on, go.
Come, come.
- I came in too hot.
- You think? Were those people in the apartment when you saw it? They weren't in the pictures when I saw the apartment.
You didn't see the apar oh, my God.
Nate.
- No, this is not my fault.
- This is absolutely your fault.
You You rented an apartment without seeing it, - and now we have squatters.
- They do not look like squatters.
Well, it takes a squatter to know a squatter.
- You didn't squat.
- Oh, boy, I squatted.
And the first move in a successful squat is to be like, "What are you talking about? We live here.
" It buys you your first month of squatting.
Then let's do what she said.
Let's call the police.
Oh, no.
No, I was bluffing.
Tenancy sufferance is a civil issue, and it could take months to litigate.
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo.
There's no price tag on this.
Yeah, 'cause it's not for sale.
Well, if you don't label it, I'm gonna think it's free.
It's not free.
Then how much is it? It's not for sale.
Oh, you put the "stupid" in stoop sale.
- What the hell does that mean? - I don't know what that means.
Oh, hey, hey.
Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Gi come on.
Get it, Nate.
Get it.
God, you're so strong for such a - For such a what? - Excuse me.
We're actually moving.
Can't you see the moving truck here? What? That one? [Laughs.]
- Oh.
Hey! - Nate! - Hey! - Nate, do something! What What would you like me to do, chase down the truck? Yes, chase the truck down! I already got hit by a cab today! - You're fine.
- I am not fine.
I can't feel No, Nate! She's taking my foot massager! - Which one do you want me to get? - Both! ICh - She needs it more than you.
- Oh, God.
Agh! Come on, come on Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's NATE: Get trucked! Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's Get trucked! Oh, we're getting trucked.
We're getting trucked by squatters.
I'm just trying to stay positive.
Can you work with me? Come on, let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get trucked Come on, let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get trucked I'm gonna hit this van Oh, my God, that's so tight.
[Truck Beeping.]
How am I doing? Oh! What did I hit? Did I hit a car? ROBIN: Just keep going.
Go, go, go, go.
It's too tight.
It's not gonna fit.
Oh, where's that positivity? Positivity doesn't affect physics! - Why are you yelling at me? - I don't know! It's this city! It's driving me nuts! Yes! This is what I'm talking about! It attacks you! - [Horn Honking.]
- Oh, thanks! Thank you.
That honking helps a lot.
You're just going along, you tink everyting's irie, and then bam, another problem comes along.
Everyting's what? MAN: Regina? It is you! Isn't it? Regina Alberta.
Of all the people to run into.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Babe, what are you doing? I think you have me confused with somebody else.
- No, it's you.
- I need your help! Okay, it's me.
It's me.
But I've got a bit of a situation here, so - Hey, Nate, can you see me? - Can you see me? - No! - Then I can't see you! Oh, I get it.
New life, new cover.
- Enough said.
Enough said.
- Okay.
But great to see you again, old friend.
And, uh, thank you for what you did.
Okay.
[Horn Honking.]
Hey, my first New York asshole.
All right.
Suits you well.
I'm here! How much room do I have? Regina Alberta.
She was my wife.
Your wife's got a shitty name.
God, what is wrong with this city? - It's nuts.
- [Horn Honking.]
Stop honking! So, looks like we're gonna be living in the same apartment together, huh? What do you say? Split a room? I'm in.
What about you, fly boy? Hey, I think I love you So what am I so afraid of? Afraid that I'm not sure of Is he okay? Oh, uh, name's Jareb.
With a "B.
" As in "boy" or "bras" or "bet you're wearing.
" I'm wearing a bra too.
It's got ducks on it.
Uh, for her boobs she wears a bra.
You guys aren't around people much, are you? Boobs.
They d they, well, they They just stay put.
God, that's tight.
How do people do this in this city? Nate, I think we made a mistake moving here.
No.
Not the time for this conversation.
We don't have a place to stay.
Let's just pack up all of our stuff and go home.
I mean, I'm sure our trailer's still available.
And the kids start school in two weeks.
Let's just treat it like another shitty vacation.
And what, then? I commute 10 hours a day? Was that bad? It's fine.
[Horn Honking.]
Okay, relax.
Where's the fire? - [Siren Wailing.]
- Oh, shit.
I think it's, like, that way.
You just need an ice breaker.
Like a compliment? Imagine something your dad said to your mom on their wedding day.
Oh, they're not married.
She's married to some other fat guy named Carlos.
Your dad's got to say something romantic to get a pretty woman like your mom.
What would he say? Hey, you want to [Bleep.]
and order a pizza? [Chuckles.]
[Laughs Nervously.]
Yeah, I get it.
I love this guy.
Well, I love you too, s yeah.
[Horn Honking.]
FIREFIGHTER: Move your vehicle! Now! I'm trying to.
I'm just a little stuck here.
People are dying because you can't parallel park! Teenagers can parallel park better than you.
Girl teenagers.
- In Saudi Arabia.
- What? Because women aren't allowed to drive there.
It's sexist.
Ma'am, move now! God, this guy is being such an asshole.
- What'd you call me? - He called you an asshole.
Boys, this guy thinks we're a bunch of assholes! Oh, I love you guys.
You're awesome.
You're heroes.
Why don't you just drive around the block so we can go save a few lives? Yeah.
Or I'll just back it in.
I'll just get it in.
I-I will get it in.
I promise.
Lest we forget, I got this! Come on, woman, give it some gas! I got it! Boys.
[Groans.]
Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get parked! - Right? - Yeah.
So, if we're not going home, what are we gonna do? We're just gonna sleep in the truck? We just need some time to think, all right? Please.
Everyone needs to cool off.
Chase! Let's go.
Yeah, come on, kids.
Get away from those squatters.
Excuse me? What part of that is cooling off? Say it again, woman.
I dare you.
Everything okay, Harris? No, not really.
Poppin' Fresh here threatening to evict us.
Sorry, Poppin' Fresh? [Giggles.]
Violence is not the answer, sir.
- No one said it was.
- Nate, we have a contract.
- Goon up.
- She's aggressive, but right.
Okay? It is a legal contract that we have, - and we are entitled to this place.
- Well, legally they have the Civil Rights Act of 1964 on their side.
- Heard of it? - I have.
They didn't land on 125th street.
125th Street landed on them.
This is 153rd Street.
And we don't need you to talk for us.
- We can speak for ourselves, Lars.
- No, no, no, no.
In this relay for racial justice, it's my turn to carry the baton.
This isn't a black and white thing.
It's an asshole/not asshole thing.
No, it's it's not.
We don't really need you fanning the flames of a non-existent fire, okay? Oh, so it's not the color of their skin your resent.
It's the content of their wallet.
I'm a podiatrist.
No, no, no.
I know you make a fair wage.
It's just that I read an article in the Times that says it's distinction without difference.
Octothorp woke.
Get your own opinions.
Why do you go silent at times like these? - It's uncomfortable.
- You started it.
[Laughs Nervously.]
I, uh, I don't really know what to do here.
All I got to tell you is that this is our property, and we're not going anywhere.
- That's a classic squatter play.
- That - Excuse me? - Go back to being silent! Say it one more time, Frosty.
As in the snowman? Offensive, isn't it? Not really.
He was a jolly, happy soul.
Well, how would you feel if we called you a crackah? - "We?" - Did you say crackah? Word.
Lars, please.
Just stay out of it.
NATE: Everybody just needs to calm down! No, no.
This is my fight.
You rest up for the battle.
- There's no fight.
- No, th-th There's not a lot of mean names to call white people.
What about snowflake? They're beautiful and unique.
Casper? The ghost who can't scare anyone? What about bird turd? [Laughs.]
Nice one.
Why are you his friend and not mine? [Stomping.]
Juice? Yeah, I'll drink your juice.
Oh, we didn't start the fire.
It's always been that way.
I-I she might want some.
Kick his ass, Harris.
No.
No one's fighting here.
What, you saying I can't take you? Well, yes.
But that's not why I'm saying it.
Whoa, what the hell is going on here? - We have squatters.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You can't call them that.
- I didn't.
You know how offensive that is? And I should know.
[Voice Breaking.]
We used to be just like them.
- Excuse me? - The Irish.
Back in the day.
We were the blacks.
- Mm, no really.
- Yes.
Really.
Where do you think the expression - "Black Irish" came from? - Their hair color.
That's why I got this "no Irish need apply" tattoo.
Why would you put it on your back? So every day, when I look in the mirror It'd be backwards.
I'd be reminded of just how far we've come as a people.
Just like them.
You're one of the good ones, Doc.
Then why did you rent our apartment to them? I told you we weren't moving.
I know.
That's why they're in 5D.
What's the problem? No.
That's 5B.
- No, see, that's a "D.
" - That's a "B.
" - Nah.
- Mm.
Well, yeah maybe.
I see that.
But it's supposed to be a "D," so You almost incited a race war by standing there and saying "B as in bagel.
" I said "D as in dagel.
" - Dagel's not a word.
- Yes, it is.
Use it in a sentence.
Come here, Dagel! Come on, Dagel! [Dagel Barking.]
What the hell is that? Dagel.
He's my dog.
Why didn't you say "D as in dog"? Why did you assume I said "B as in bagel"? Because I'm half Jewish? Because I got a little oppression on that side too, you know.
- [Sighs.]
- I, uh[Laughs Nervously.]
I think we'll all be pretty good friends.
I don't.
Hey, uh, you want this? It's pretty nasty, but I don't want her to know.
Okay.
Thanks.
What did he say? He don't like the juice.
- Huh? - Wha? - The juice.
- Sorry, what? - Juice! - What about them? The boy hates the juice! No, he doesn't hate Um Oh, Jesus.
No, that's not what you should be hearing.
Then why you destroy our car? I didn't know it was a Jewish car.
And what does a Jewish car even look like? You know, maybe New York is not for you guys.
See? [Dance Music Playing.]
This is so awesome.
You can see into everyone's apartment.
I'm gonna be friends with that guy.
Hey, guys, I know today wasn't the smoothest journey getting here, 'cause, you know, we're just not good on the road, but when we get places, we're great, right? Yeah.
Let's check out more windows.
- Yeah! - Yeah? Right? No! No! What is wrong? It was the bus company.
My bag's gone.
Oh, my God.
Why is that hunk of metal all of a sudden the most important thing in the world to you? It's a piece of art, Nate, that my dad gave me before he walked out on us.
It's just a part of my past I'm not ready to let go of yet.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I get it.
But they're gonna find it.
You said it yourself.
Good things happen to good people.
And who's better than us? Nobody.
I wasn't a good person when I lived here.
Oh, my God.
Did you murder someone when you lived here? - No.
No.
- No.
You're a great person now.
And together, we're undefeatable.
Excuse me.
Buenas noches.
Was this woman on your bus? I don't think she ever got on.
But she left her bag.
Hey! You know her? Yes, I do, amigo!