The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e01 Episode Script

[clock ticking]
[Vogues singing
"Five O'clock World"]
Hey hey ♪
Up every mornin'
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustling mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that
the world looks fine yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪
Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪
Tradin' my time
for the pay I get ♪
Livin' on money
that I ain't made yet ♪
Hey ♪
Gotta keep goin' ♪
Gotta make my way ♪
Hey ♪
While I live
for the end of the day ♪
'Cause
it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And there's a long-haired girl
who waits I know ♪
To ease my troubled mind
yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪
Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪
In the shelter of her arms
everything's okay ♪
She talks and the world
goes slippin' away ♪
And I know the reason
I can still go on ♪
When every other reason
is gone ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
In my 5 o'clock world ♪
She waits for me ♪
Nothing else matters at all ♪
'Cause every time
my baby smiles at me ♪
I know that
it's all worthwhile yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪
Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪
Hey hey ♪
Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪
Hey hey ♪
Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪
Holiday ♪♪
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Good morning, pig.
Good morning, Mimi. Did you do
something to your hair?
My hair is exactly the same.
Oh, well, I guess
the snakes changed colors.
[Mimi laughs]
Oh, that's odd.
I thought Weebles wobbled
but they didn't fall down.
- Heh-heh.
- What was that for?
That was for snitching
that I was late yesterday.
Okay, fair enough.
Uh, could you do me a favor
and give me
last year's evaluations
from the file cabinet?
I'm not that stupid.
You think I don't know that this
thing's been booby-trapped?
[scoffs]
[drawer shuts]
Uh, that's for putting Equal
in my sugar.
Well, the joke's on you
because now I get to be barefoot
all day long.
Well, you need some new shoes?
I'll make you some.
Now, where did I put my anvil?
Here's your stupid file.
You could've just printed out
your own copy.
I already entered it
in the computer.
What? You've been messing
with my computer?
What did you do, plant a virus?
No, I helped you open
your own pig site
I'm warning you, if you've been
screwing with this..
[automated message on computer]
'Bite me, bite me, bite me.'
'Dough boy.'
That's it. I'm not playing
anymore of your petty games.
Ihave work to do.
Oh, man!
Ha-ha-ha! Now we'll know
if you touch all the doughnuts.
[chuckling]
[laughing]
- What's so funny?
- Nothing.
I'm just smiling along with you.
[thudding]
Oh, great! Now I need a wet nap.
Well, I always keep a box
on hand
just in case
my prayers were answered
and it starts
raining baby back ribs.
You mean,
in case you're brown-nosing
and you need to clean off
your portable boss seat.
- Just give me one, please.
- No way. Get your own.
You know what,
you deserve what I put
in your top left-hand drawer.
Oh, yeah? You open it.
Wimp.
Ooh, a dirty magazine.
Mimi,
I'm so disappointed in you.
[rustling]
[sighs]
Crazy Glue
injected into your wet naps
and a dirty magazine.
And it must be my lucky day,
'cause your fly is open.
What? My fly isn't open.
Yeah?
Try to take your hand away.
[telephone ringing]
(Bell on phone)
'Carey, I need the sales
reports. Get in here now.'
Now I know
what your weekends look like.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
I love evaluation time.
Ass, prepare to be kissed.
Drew, I know everyone's
gonna be sucking up to you today
but I'm just gonna be
brutally honest
and I know that you're gonna
give me a fair evaluation.
First of all, you're losing
way too much weight.
You know, I'd be concerned
about that, too, Kate.
And second of all,
you should be careful
how often you dole out
that 1000-watt smile.
Oh.
How is a gal supposed
to concentrate on her work?
Is that why women turn
their heads when I walk by?
And finally, with no disrespect
to Denzel Washington
you are the sexiest man alive.
- Hey, Kate?
- Yeah?
You did pretty good not cracking
a smile this year.
Drew, I was being
totally sincere. Gotta go.
[Kate chuckles]
Working hard, swine-butt?
Hey, you can't touch those.
Those are confidential.
It's okay, don't worry,
I'm not gonna look at them
except the puff piece you wrote
on your little pencil-holder,
Lisa.
Wait a minute,
this is no Valentine.
"Needs to show more maturity
in the managerial area.
Occasionally lacks patience.
Stupid and blind."
- I didn't write that.
- She's dating you, isn't she?
Why so mean today?
Run out of Mimi chow?
- Hey, Drew.
- Uh, thanks, Mimi.
I'll take those papers right
to the recycling bin for you.
Yeah, you mean,
these evaluations?
Oh, look, here's Lisa's.
- I wonder what it says.
- Oh, hey.
Nice try, Mimi, but Lisa
is much too secure in her job
to wanna see her evaluation.
Isn't that right, Lisa?
Secure? Yes. Curious? Yes.
Wishing I had said yes
last night? Maybe.
[chuckles]
No job's worth that, honey.
[laughs]
You didn't write anything bad,
did you, Drew?
No, in fact,
I remember a little something
about asset to the company.
[laughs]
I'll see you tonight for dinner.
Oh, wait, you know, I can't,
I'm going
clothes shopping with Kate.
Kate wants your advice
on buying clothes?
No, I want hers, we've been
doing it every year since high
school. She even taught me which
side of the gap to shop on.
Oh. Well, that's okay.
Actually, I just remembered.
I'm going shopping
with my friend Antonio tonight.
He wants me to help him
pick out a cup.
- Lisa, she's my best friend.
- Yeah, and I'm your girlfriend.
Well, why does this
have to make you so crazy?
Hey, don't call me crazy.
Oh, honey..
[sighs]
We're-we're both getting
a little upset.
I-I-I think it's time.
Okay.
What I like most
about you is..
your sense of humor
and your sexy voice.
And what I like most
about you is
you make me laugh
and you cry at movies.
[sniffling]
[sobbing]
"That'll do, pig."
[chuckles]
- That's all he said.
- Heh-heh.
"That'll do, pig."
[laughing]
And you knew what he felt.
[laughing]
Alright, you just have
a great time with Kate.
But please remember
things go in clearance
for a reason.
Yeah, like I'm gonna buy
yellow spandex pants again
after all those papaya jokes.
Hey, Drew, huh..
I found this basket on my desk
and I'm allergic to muffins.
Oh, you mean, just like you were
last year on evaluation day.
Oh, really? Is today
evaluation day? I didn't know.
I don't know. Let me check.
Anyone have a pen I can borrow?
[pens clattering]
Yup, it's today.
Well, uh, anyway,
uh, huh, I figured
you know, you being the greatest
guy in the world and all--
(Mimi)
'Attention, office!'
The evaluations are already
in management's hands.
There's no longer any reason
to bootlick Drew Carey.
Get your chubby little hands
off my basket, Drew.
You said you were allergic.
Allergic to chubby hands
on my basket.
[instrumental music]
Drew, come on down.
(Drew)
'I don't wanna.
The-these pants have a problem.'
Oh, sure, blame the pants.
Come on.
How bad could they look?
Well, there was the famous
MC Hammer pants incident.
- 'Hm.'
- Eesh.
And, of course,
Drew was the last
actual member of members only.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
(Drew)
Okay, I'm coming down.
[laughing]
What's wrong? They look great.
Yeah, but they wrinkle weird.
What do you mean,
"Wrinkle weird?"
I don't know, they kinda,
you know, they tent.
Oh, come on, I'm sure
you're making a mountain
out of a mole hill.
Come on, have a seat.
[laughter]
Oh, man, and I've seen
pup dance before
but that's a three-ring circus.
Wow, is there still snow
on top of it in the summertime?
Whoo!
Look, we have to discuss this
'cause I'm either taking it back
or I'm buying 20 more pairs.
[knocking on door]
Who is it?
(Lisa)
'Someone who needs more
maturity'
'in the managerial area'
'to be a greater asset
to the company.'
Oh, well,
the big top's coming down.
[door opens]
- Hey guys.
- 'Hey.'
Drew, can I talk to you?
Wanna see what I can do
with my new pants?
Drew, that evaluation you wrote
questions my whole
management technic.
Mm, I don't think so.
Uh, you're exaggerating.
Oh, I exaggerate. Why didn't you
put that in my evaluation?
[scoffs]
There wasn't any room after all
the bad stuff I put in there.
[laughing]
Uh..
Just because I'm your
girlfriend, you're worried
that people will think
you're playing favorites.
So you're tougher on me.
- Uh, not exactly.
- Not exactly what?
Not exactly.
I-I was being honest.
(Oswald)
'Sit down, Drew.
Show her the trick.'
Look, I put some good things
in there, too.
But I-I have to be objective.
You know,
I take my job seriously.
Wow, you must really think
I'm bad at my job.
And how can you callme
immature?
I wasn't the one
in the bathtub yelling
"Hey, look, it's a Jacuzzi."
Shh, shh, shh!
Look, come on, have a seat.
The thing I like most
about you is..
[scoffs]
I can see
what you like best about me.
- That's it.
- You're not walking out on me.
You're walking out on my pants.
[door shuts]
That is just great.
That's just what
Lisa and I need right now.
How'd she get hold
of her evaluation, anyway?
There's only one person
diabolical enough
to have done this.
- Mimi.
- Kate.
Who do you think it'd be, Kate?
[sniffles]
I'm gonna get back at Mimi
in a way she will never forget.
She is gonna rue the day
sheeverdecided
to mess with Drew Carey.
This ismyindependence day.
Say, Drew, I got a big date
tomorrow night.
Do you think
I can borrow your pants?
[instrumental music]
I gotta thank you, Chuck,
I could have
never rigged up Mimi's desk
like this all by myself.
Hey, careful with that, Drew.
We wouldn't want those
to detonate too soon.
I can't believe you got
all these instructions
right off the Internet.
Yeah, you'd be surprised
at what you can
pick up in the teen chat room.
Hey, that reminds me,
I gotta log on
and tell Britney
what happened on "90210."
Sorry, Drew. Lisa wouldn't take
any of her gifts.
But she did say
she'd come up and see you.
By the way, if you're
apologizing to somebody
you might wanna give 'em
something
better than chorcolates.
What?
They're Belgian chocolates.
No. "Beldan Chorcolates.
Imitation chocolate substitute."
Oh, man, I got it
from the same guy
who sold me my brand-new Folex.
Hey.
Hello, Drew.
Did you wanna talk about
something work-related
or do you wanna give me
a diamond norklace?
[sighs]
Okay.
I thought about what you said
and you're right.
Maybe I did overcompensate
just a little on your evaluation
'cause you're my girlfriend.
It's not just that.
It's your job.
I have to know sometimes
you'd put me first.
It goes without saying
I'd be there for you. Mm.
Hey, let's take
the rest of the day off.
- We'll say we're sick.
- Today?
I, I got some pranks
I wanna watch.
Ah.
Oh, so now you've got pranks
that are more important than me?
I'm getting back at Mimi
for showing you your evaluation.
She didn't show me
my evaluation.
- Yes, she did.
- No, she didn't.
Don't tell me Mimi didn't
show you your evaluation.
I got trolls about to explode.
I walked into
the sales manager's office
asked to see my evaluation
and he showed it to me.
Oh, my God! I gotta get busy.
Honey, won't you, uh
grab your coat
and, uh, go downstairs?
- I'll be just a second.
- Okay.
I can't believe
we're doing this.
What I like most about you
is if anything explodes
at least I won't be described
as a loner.
[clears throat]
Mimi, w-what happened to you?
None of your beeswax, pinhead.
I'm trying to show some concern.
Obviously, you injured
one of your hind legs.
I hurt my leg
running to get the phone.
It turns out my sister's been
rushed into emergency surgery.
She's probably under the knife
right now.
Oh. Mimi, I-I'm so sorry.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like
to be alone with my thoughts
until the hospital calls.
Don't go behind your desk.
I mean, uh..
Maybe you should just take
the day off.
I can't. I used up all my sick
days following Kiss on tour.
Well, uh, at least let me get
you a more comfortable chair.
- Hey, you ready, Drew?
- Almost.
- Okay, I'll wait.
- No, that's unnecessary.
Look, uh,
it'll only be a second.
Why don't you just
go wait down in the car?
Oh, by the way,
I parked in the sun.
So you might wanna put
a towel down on the car
before you sit down.
You are so thoughtful.
[telephone ringing]
I got that!
[crackling]
Hello? It's for you.
Of course it's for me.
It's my phone.
Keep your hands off my crap.
Oh. Hi, mom. Yeah,
I took her to the hospital.
They're gonna do it right away.
Okay, bye.
Touch one more thing, and you're
gonna know how a popsicle feels.
Um, I was just taking
your trolls over to my desk
'cause I'm gonna take
the day off
and I thought you might
like to sit closer to the sun
because you're
such a beautiful flower.
No way, Drew. I know you.
You probably got that rigged
or something.
Uh, don't hurt yourself
bending over. Let me get that.
Hey, Mimi, have you got a pen
I could borrow?
- Oh, sure.
- Uh, no. Not that one.
It's empty.
Fifty thousand, forty thousand..
[explosion]
[telephone ringing]
I got it.
[crackling]
I'm starting to like this.
Hello?
No, you idiot. Wrong number.
Hey, by the way, uh, Henderson
told me about your sister.
Is there anything
we could do for you?
Well, a little prayer
wouldn't hurt.
Insult man. Insult man
for Mimi Bobeck from Drew Carey.
Oh, my God. I forgot.
Hey, Drew.
Oh, you gotta be Mimi.
That photo you sent me
was black and white.
But are those your eyelids
or two monkeys bending over?
Oh, look, pal,
I think that's enough, okay?
Hey, hey, what, did the trailer
park cancel the dance?
[telephone ringing]
[crackling]
Goodnight, everybody.
Drive safely.
Look, everybody,
I, I-I made a bad choice.
I scheduled all this stuff
yesterday to get back at Mimi
for something that turns out
she didn't even do.
It's okay, Drew. It's just that
on this day of all days..
[sobbing]
Drew, are you ever gonna stop
tormenting this poor woman?
Yes, absolutely. I am done.
[explosions]
Oh, no..
[sobbing]
- No..
- Okay, uh, now I'm done.
[Mimi sobbing]
Mimi, I am so sorry.
Is there, uh, anything
I could do
to make it up to you?
[sobbing]
Well, you-you
could work for me today.
Sure, anything you want.
Just-just stop crying, okay?
[sobbing]
[chuckling]
Oh, by the way,
the hard drive crashed
and I have to re-enter
everybody's everything.
- What?
- Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, yeah, but cheer up.
My sister's in the hospital,
but it's just for liposuction.
[laughing]
You made me pray
for your sister's liposuction?
And light a candle, 'cause
I'm going to get a pedicure.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Sorry, Drew, but you've got
to wake up. You could lose Lisa.
You left her in a car
and forgot all about her.
Yeah, look, I know I messed up.
But you know how hard
I am working
to make this relationship work.
I just wish I knew if Lisa and I
were meant for each other.
But there's no way to know.
I mean, h-how does anybody know
what's gonna happen
in, like, 20 years?
I know.
In 20 years there'll be, uh
no cars, no money
and sex will be with machines.
So, in other words, for you
almost nothing will change.
Look, you know, I'll be okay.
I'll just sleep on it tonight.
By tomorrow
I'll know what to do.
[knocking on door]
Oh. I don't think she's gonna
wait outside till tomorrow.
What do you mean?
She's here? Now?
Oh. Do you want us to stay?
- Yeah, we'll stay.
- That's what friends are for.
[indistinct chatter]
Meet us, you know, we'll meet
you over there.
[door opens]
Hey.
Oh, Lisa, that's so nice of you.
You didn't have to do that.
You didn't have to bring me
all the stuff
I left over at your house.
Well, I-I thought you might want
these things back.
[sighs]
Well, look
just let me start by apologi--
Drew, Drew,
it's not about that.
It's about, well, everything.
I guess there's only one thing
left to do.
Move in together.
What?
I think we should move in
together.
You know, let's, I mean,
our biggest problem is
we just don't see enough
of each other.
This way we'll see each other
all the time. Yeah. See?
- It'll-it'll be perfect.
- We'll have to get along.
Get along? Hell,
we'll have to love each other.
Why didn't we think of this
before?
We've been too busy fighting.
Oh, this is gonna be great!
- Let's celebrate.
- Yeah.
Drew, the bedroom.
Oh, yeah. Even better.
[instrumental music]
[intense music]
[spray hissing]
[door opens]
You will self-destruct
in five seconds.
Oswald, get me up. Lewis.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]