The Durrells (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Whoa-ooh! Get out! Get out! Gerry! Out! Morning, Roger.
Gerry! Dirty beast! - Breakfast! - Good.
I'm starving.
I'm repulsive.
Can we get some mosquito nets? - Please? - We can't afford mosquito nets.
- Oh, please don't tell me that's breakfast.
- That's breakfast.
For the last time, we are poor.
My widow's pension is for me, not for five of us.
- Is that it? - Oh, er, no.
No.
Harrods are sending over some kedgeree and some crusty pies.
There's crusty pies? - Mine! - No! - Give it to me! - I'm growing! Right! There's gonna be some changes around here.
This is probably how Harrods started.
With a lot of hope.
And a donkey! It's the ancient ritual of going to market to sell one's wares.
Now this is going to change everything.
Can we talk about Leslie's moustache? - When in Greece - Well, Roger and I have our doubts.
- I'm sure you'd like it if it was on a bloody walrus.
- Exactly! - Stop it, boys.
Sssh! Sssh.
Gerry! Kalispera.
Er Kalispera.
Psari? - Elies? - ~) ~ You have no idea what I said.
No, I don't.
I'll stick to English, then.
Would it be fair to say it's not going well? - I'm learning my trade.
- Ah.
I own an olive press, if you'd like to turn those into oil.
No, thank you.
Well, they won't sell.
You can't roll over on this island without crushing an olive and yours are a bit grim.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm being rude.
Hugh Jarvis.
Louisa Durrell.
- Are you on your own? - I've released my two staff for the day.
- Oh, do tell me about yourself.
- I'm actually rather busy.
Oh.
~ Forgive my enthusiasm.
I'm over-excited at finding a fellow Briton.
Well, thank you, but I'm still more excited at being among foreigners, rather than back in Bournemouth.
If you tell me you're happily married, I will walk away with my head held low.
Unhappily married? - Widowed.
- Ah.
I'll, er, have the fish, please.
~ ~ We're poor little lambs Who have lost our way Baa, baa, baa We're little black sheep Who have gone astray Baa, baa, baa Aaargh! How was the market? Bad.
Stinking hot.
- You got another beer? - No.
This is the last.
Ahh Tracks, Roger.
I haven't seen this kind before.
Wow! Kalispera.
I've been wondering how you are.
~ How excellent to see you again.
And how excellent to see you.
Your English is better.
Yes.
I am finding my feet.
Look.
Like Jesus.
[Come on.
.]
Who are you? Vasilia.
But how did you get in? I am your landlady.
Ah, no, no.
We have Mr My uncle retired.
It is me now.
You have not paid rent.
No.
No, and I apologise for that.
It's been terribly difficult.
You English treat us like your slaves.
No, we don't.
Honestly, I've been at the market today selling trying to sell ~ ~ - What are you doing? - I return these when you pay.
But we've loved this house.
We've looked after it.
Please! - Please, stop! - I will stop when you pay.
Or leave Corfu.
Leave is best.
Do that.
But what will we sit on? ~ - ~) - ~ Shave off those stupid moustaches.
You look about as Greek as Cheltenham.
You'll never guess what I've found! Otter excreta! Good.
I think we were running out.
Larry! - Where's the furniture? - It was seized by our mad new landlady.
- I'd have driven her away with the shotgun.
- Ohh - Oh, stop him speaking.
- Nyi-nyi-nyi! Horrid though she is, we owe her.
We urgently need money.
Come on, everyone.
Ideas? We form a family music band and go on tour.
Having learned to play instruments.
I wouldn't normally say this, but you two girls need to marry well.
Quickly.
I may once have agreed with you, but now I find that offensive.
- Well done, Margo.
- Unless he's really gorgeous.
Let's kill Aunt Hermione for the inheritance.
I'll hold her down! Oh, my God, you're not joking.
Right.
Thank you, everyone, for your superb ideas.
Today, at the market, a provocative Englishman made fun of our produce.
And he was quite right.
Let's do it properly.
Let's sell our vegetables and grow more.
Let's make goat's cheese and and honey.
And let's cook proper English food that nobody here has ever heard of.
Or we could all sit on the floor and wait to be evicted and then go and live in a tent.
This is the police! Open up! - That was quick.
- Mum? Spiros! We've missed you so much! Guys, the fluff, it has to go.
Just a bit of fun.
Mrs Durrell.
More lovely than ever.
I could say the same to you.
Come on, everyone, work to do! Very good, Gerry.
~ What do you make? Roly-poly.
Poly-roly? No, roly-poly.
Poly-roly! Foolish name.
Foolish food.
The Apidae family is industrious.
Of course as busy as a bee! But also noble.
If you say so, Theo.
Oh, God! Urggh! Oh, God! Urggh! Urggh! - Tea, anyone? - Oh, yes, please.
Yes, please.
Urggh! I'm switching to milking.
Bees are total bastards.
- Leslie! - Who'd have thought goats give milk? It was so sweet of Sven, wasn't it, to give us the goats? It's odd to think you might have been married now, if you hadn't been fond of each other - But not in the right way.
- Yes, thank you.
I've got to get back to my writing.
My novel is published in the next few weeks.
- I should have finished the next one.
- Oh, don't write another one.
I don't mind you writing.
I just can't stand all the Aaargh! And if you must do it, write about something that people will enjoy.
Like a war.
He will write what his art brings forth.
But do write a best-seller, darling, for God's sake.
Any old rubbish will do.
Hm, it is tempting.
I've invested too much time in those grape vines for us to be evicted.
Oh, we won't be evicted.
Cos I have a secret weapon.
More otter poo but bigger? Scotch eggs! Hello.
Hello, Sven! We wanted to thank you for the goats by by giving you this.
Spotted dick.
Oh, thank you.
How are things? You know, work goes on.
Crops grow.
Goats escape.
And I forget more Swedish.
Have a slab of toad-in-the-hole.
Always cheers me up.
- Are you making these names up? - No.
- Well - Right.
How's the family? Er Well Gerry is looking for otters.
Larry has got writer's block, so he's decided to write in different places.
Margo is on an errand and she has a mystery boyfriend.
Er, and I've spent our emergency savings on the ingredients for this food, so it had better sell.
Off we go.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Another fact about otters, which I got from Theo's book, is they make water slides and live in quite complex communities, so they're a bit like .
.
us.
Sorry, Roger.
I'm boring you.
Roger! ~ Kalimera.
Good morning.
- Er, buongiorno.
Miremengjes.
- Morning.
What's mire-meng-jes boobly? That's Albanian.
Albania is just over there.
Yeah, I know.
I'm not an idiot.
You must be a Durrell.
- Yes, I am.
- I've asked around about your family.
My mother said you'd press these olives for us.
For nothing.
Please? As you've already got the big grinding machine set up anyway.
I was looking forward to seeing your mother.
Where Where is she? At the market.
We're selling a new range of produce.
Better hurry if you want some.
Hm.
Come and buy! These! From us.
Why can't I think of anything interesting? Aaargh! Theo! I finally saw an otter! - How exciting.
- Up by the river.
- I'll get my hat.
Oh, thank you.
Where's Roger? I dropped him at home, because he frightened away the otter.
- Oh, yes, that is OTTER-ly unacceptable.
- Must you? - Hello, Pavlos.
- Margo.
The sun shines upon you.
I love the way you speak.
You talk about beauty and love.
What else is there? Well, my family talk about money and violence and animal droppings.
Would you come to supper? - English food? - ~ It's actually improved a lot in recent years.
Oh, Spiros.
It's It's It's just a disaster.
What are we doing wrong? Well, you're foreign.
People think you don't need money.
You're British expat.
And you have no idea how to sell.
Come on.
- What No.
What are you doing? - I just like doing that.
Mm.
Oh - Oh! - Yes.
Now - No, no.
Spiros, no.
- Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
Nice.
Now how to sell.
You need more passion! For Greeks, it's like a game.
But a serious one.
Always look like you're going into battle.
Leslie, you do it.
Buy! - Buy.
- Aah.
Oh, madam! No, no, no, no, no! No.
You're better with a man.
- Oh.
- Yes.
- What do I say? - It doesn't matter.
They speak bad English.
If I may For the gentlemen.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
You don't know me.
I'm Mrs Durrell.
Erm I've got some super things for sale over here.
There's a sort of an English theme to the cooking and I No.
No, you're probably right.
Be loud.
Try flirting.
Make people feel bad if they don't buy.
Ooh, sorry.
~) ~ Here, Mrs Durrell.
Location.
Very important.
Now why should I buy these? - Well, because they're the best and because I do have four mouths to feed.
- Yes, she does.
- I don't care! - Right.
No need to shout.
- Yeah, steady on.
No, no.
No, I'm playing the part of the customer.
- Oh, I'm with you now.
- Oh, I see.
- Kostis! - Spiros! ~ ~ - Yassas.
- Yassas.
You must er ~ - Poli kala.
- Nectar.
- ~ - A bargain! Only three drachmas.
Yeah? ~ - I can't believe it.
- Oh! Oh! Oh.
Poli kala.
~ Enjoy.
- Poli kala! - Poli kala! - Is it me or is it getting OTTER? - Oh, yes, no STOAT about it! Oh! I'm so sorry, Gerry.
I left Mum at the market.
Turns out she could sell snow to Eskimos.
- No.
- Yeah.
She practically kidnapped one poor chap until he agreed to buy a sausage roll! No, Leslie, no more shooting.
It's so peaceful.
This is how the peace is kept.
Have you ever thought how awful you'd feel if you actually shot someone? Well, I won't, because all firearms come with a host of safety features.
- Take this air rifle.
- Les, I'm not interested.
- No.
You asked.
See this here, that's the safety catch.
It's always on until you What have you done? That That's not my fault.
It's not supposed to happen.
- OK.
Is he gonna be all right? - I don't know.
I've never been at a dog-shooting before! Listen, Roger, listen, seriously, Gerry mustn't find out about this.
- He'll be back soon.
What are you gonna do? - Face the consequences like a man.
Not that, actually.
- I will take this.
- Hey! No, you won't.
You have our furniture.
I'll pay you when I'm ready.
I give you one week.
No money? No house.
I've shot Roger.
Oh.
Erm, the thing is Roger is a dog.
- Yes.
- And my husband is a doctor not a vet.
- What's the difference? - I can't help thinking this is a dog.
- Don't you start.
It's just a flesh wound.
Gerry mustn't find out about this.
So I need to leave him with you till he's better.
He likes his tummy being rubbed and Gerry generally reads to him.
Why do they set traps? Because the otters eat the fish.
- Oh.
- As Nietzsche said, "Man is the cruellest animal.
" Really? I'm thinking "woman".
Ah, has our venomous landlady struck again? Yes.
And ruined what was, up to then, a very encouraging day.
She needs a talking to.
- Your friend Hugh told me our oil is ready.
- He is very much NOT my friend.
Well, he obviously wanted to see you not me.
He has a nice big house.
No! - Why are you dressed so smartly? - I've invited a monk to supper.
- Why? - He's so sweet.
I think he'll make the perfect boyfriend.
What? - Monks take a vow of celibacy, darling.
- You've got to be joking.
- Not that that's a problem at your age.
- It is, actually.
I've moved on from skipping and writing in invisible ink, you know.
- A monk is coming here? - Yes.
I hide the naked pictures.
Has anyone seen Roger? Oh I think Leslie took him for a walk.
So, to confirm, the "toad" is sausage, the "hole" is the yellow? Yes.
And the spotted dick, the "spots" are the fruity, the "dick" is the yellow? Well, yes.
Yes, I suppose it is.
Pavlos, is there anything you don't like about being a monk? Yes.
Getting up in the dark to sing.
No.
Not that.
Anything else? Candle wax.
It gets everywhere.
She means not having a girlfriend.
God is my girlfriend.
I'm a writer.
Have you got any funny stories? No.
Oh, Leslie.
Where's Roger? I told them you took him for a walk.
Yes.
And I bumped into Florence and Dr Petridis.
Oh.
Who asked if they could borrow Roger.
As they don't have children.
- Hello.
- Hello.
~ Yassas.
Xronia.
Oh.
That's "happy birthday".
Well, never mind.
Bravo! I underestimated you.
Your olives, they were better than I thought.
- Thank you so much for pressing them.
- My pleasure.
- Come and pick the other bottles up later.
- Where? - My house.
- I'll mix you a drink.
- Oh, that's very kind of you, but it's really not necessary.
You have to say yes.
Well, why? It'll be fun.
You look like a woman who has been starved of fun recently.
- And you're going to bring that back, are you? - Oh, yes.
What a friend we have in Jesus Lugaretzia, I've made up my mind.
I have no real job, no boyfriend.
- I'm just a drain on the family.
- Yes, you are.
Mm.
.
.
everything to God So I'm going to become a nun.
Guess what, Leslie.
I've decided to breed otters.
What do you need for that? - Two otters.
- Yes, I know, but Ohh! God! Can anything else go wrong this morning? Come on, Sally.
My name is Lawrence Durrell and I order you to stop harassing my family.
- Your mummy sent you? - No.
My novel will be published soon.
Royalties will flood in and you will be paid.
Hm.
Why do you hate Mrs Durrell? You're mummy's little boy.
No! I'm fiercely independent.
I've had sex on many occasions.
I really have.
Good.
So now we know where we stand.
Small finger.
Hello.
I've come to see Roger.
Oh, erm - In fact, Gerry, he's sleeping.
- Oh, that's fine.
You should get a dog of your own, as you can't have children.
Yes.
There are a number of good baby substitutes.
Listen, Gerry, there's been a bit of an accident.
What happened? It was just one of those things.
He was Well, he was shot.
Leslie did it, didn't he? ~ - Oh, really? - I was very firm.
I appealed to her as one firebrand to another.
You shot Roger.
What? - It was kind of his fault.
- What's the matter with you? He's a dumb animal.
- He is not dumb! - I was talking about Leslie! - Oh ha ha ha! - Oh ha ha ha! - Think you're funny, do you? - Yes! - Why is everyone shouting? Oh, you've found him.
I think Roger should be allowed to shoot Leslie.
Right.
That's it.
I'm going out.
When I get back I want an apology.
What a pleasant surprise.
Margo! Oh, I have just acquired the brain of a sperm whale.
Do you want to see it? - I very much don't, Theo.
- Of course.
You're not Gerry.
He loves looking at animal body parts.
What brings you here? You know everything, Theo.
What's it like being a Greek nun? Gosh! I have a book of nuns somewhere.
What has prompted this spiritual bombshell? Well, this monk I know is so peaceful and calm.
- I'd like to be that way.
- What is his name? - Pavlos.
- I know him.
Charming.
Uh-huh.
To answer your question, I know that some orders enforce a rule of silence and others pray for eight hours a day.
Oh, forget it, then.
On the other hand, these sisters look happy.
And these are playing football.
This place was my great-grandparents'.
It was a wreck.
I've transformed it.
But enough about me.
However fascinating.
It must be tough being the only parent.
Yes.
Though my son Larry says they brought me up.
- Did you ever marry? - No.
No, I doubt you ever met anybody you love as much as yourself.
Cancel the canapes, George! Mrs Durrell is leaving.
- Was that mean? - No.
I deserve it.
Champagne? Oh.
Thank you.
With a song in my heart Oh Oh, you truly are the master of subtlety.
.
.
but it soon is a hymn to your grace When the music swells - I'm touching your hand - I'm holding your hand It tells that you're standing near Do you know a woman called Vasilia? Why do you ask? Why do you not answer? Yes, I I know her.
She's acting as our landlady and she clearly hates me.
I just wondered if you had any idea why.
We We used to be pals.
Ah.
.
.
but I always knew And she'd like to be pals again? Yes.
A bad idea for many reasons.
If you believe the rumours, she shoots, stabs or poisons first, asks questions later.
Well I should probably be getting home.
Thank you.
.
.
my mother shouldn't be cooking British food Louisa.
I'm afraid there's a problem.
Mrs Durrell, you have poisoned Corfu.
I can't explain it.
The ingredients were fresh.
I eat my food and I feel really well.
Mother is a very good cook! Honest.
~ ~ I will give you all your money back.
Or you can have replacement food.
Now I've got some lovely It was a bit further up.
Just up ahead round that bend.
Oh.
No! Poisonous.
So the heat? That's why nobody else is selling eggs wrapped in meat.
Maybe sell something safer.
- Like? - Tins of food.
Just when I thought I'd solved our money problems.
- They'll forget you poisoned them, eventually.
- We can't survive till eventually.
Oh, and poor Sven, too.
I made him buy those Scotch eggs.
He only came to the market to buy a hammer.
I know why Vasilia hates me and wants to drive us off the island.
- Tell me.
I'll sort it out.
- No, Spiros, this is my battle.
She likes Hugh.
- And she considers me a rival.
- Are you? No.
It's absurd.
But she thinks I'm in the way.
Is Vasilia really so dangerous? Listen, I hear rumours all the time, but the latest one is she once poisoned a lover who jilted her.
I knew it! It wasn't my cooking and the heat.
She waited until I was away from the stall and then she -- - The son of a bitch poisoner! - I'd better go.
More food poisoning and I have dog hairs to remove.
Yes, I'm serious.
I've put away childish things.
- Well, not all of them.
- Good.
- God loves children.
- Well, you'd hope so.
In the beginning was the Word.
- Beautiful.
- And the Word was with God.
And the Word was God.
Oh, it's already getting complicated.
Theo! Theo! We need to be ready, in case Vasilia comes and shoots us.
- A tad melodramatic perhaps.
- No.
She has already poisoned our produce just to shift the blame onto us.
- Leslie! Leslie, we need to have a gun ready! - I'm still sulking! I'll do it myself, then! We've caught an otter! The breeding program starts here where they are safe from predators.
Otters are so rare.
When was the last time you saw one? Just now.
There's one over there.
Look! Margo? I'm guessing you've been to see your monk friend.
Yes, and I feel so peaceful.
Right.
Everybody, this is a family gun practice! - Why are you grinning? - Because I've been struggling to be creative when it's all in front of me.
- A hell-cat poisons and threatens her love rival.
- Ohh! A dog is shot by a gun-crazed misfit, while his sister falls for a monk and monstrous weasels breed in the front garden.
There he goes.
Obviously, I should just set my new novel here.
Gerry! Chapter two.
The misfit fashions a dog-wheelchair out of driftwood.
It's brilliant! - Hm? - Thank you, Leslie.
Upon reflection, if you shoot a dog it's beholden on you to make amends.
Leslie? Leslie, how does this one work? Oh, no.
No, I'm never touching guns again.
- Violence is not the answer, Mother.
- Right, I'll do it myself.
Don't shoot anyone.
A nice way to greet your landlady.
Oh, I will defend, by whatever means, my family and the house that we have loved and worked hard at.
Pay me or I come back with my men.
Here.
This is what we owe you.
I look forward to the return of our furniture.
And whatever your reasons for hating me, we love it here and we will survive and we will thrive.
We have a saying.
~ - What does that mean? - What? - What? - What did she say? "Better to live with the devil than with a woman who is angry.
" And how dare you poison our food! Why would I poison my own people? Only the stupid English make eggs in meat in this heat! Ohh! - Who did you get that money from? - Who do you think? ~ Good morning, bees.
Spiros, you will get your money back, even if I have to rob a bank.
Don't do that.
In any case, I think, in Greece, they're empty! But, in the meantime, this is for you and your family.
As in the parable of the widow's mite - Margo, darling, I'm quoting the Bible.
- Well done.
.
.
I have little, but I am delighted to give it to you.
There's no meat in it.
Thank you, Mrs Durrell.
Can I say Hello! Lovely morning.
I'm Hugh.
- For you.
- Ohh Be careful, they have thorns.
- Today is the day! - My son Lawrence is having a reading of his novel.
Why would anyone want to watch a bloke read out a book? "Hello.
What sort of typewriter do you use?" They're finally going to mate.
I've no idea what put them in the mood.
Men are always in the mood.
Hugh wants you now, but it will not last.
Durrell's kumquat liqueur! Your pleasure awaits.
Drinking heavily is such fun! - I shouldn't have my mother trying to arrange my life! - Well, go on, then.
Leave.