The Exes (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

Hey, Haskell.
I know you're dying to know about the dental seminar.
And yes, my powerpoint on gingivitis rocked the house! Haskell? Hey, Haskell, you Are you crazy? Sneaking up on a former junior scout? I didn't know you had the headphones on, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I was trying to drown out all the loud sex noises coming from Phil's bedroom.
I know.
I know, it keeps me up every night.
I wouldn't mind it so much if he would let the girl talk, but he won't shut up.
"What's my name? What's my name?" Hello? Your name is Phil! Haskell, you seen my vitamin water? A brother needs to hydrate.
You know what I mean? Everybody in the building knows what you mean.
Is there a problem? Yes, there's a problem! For once I'd like to be able to watch jeopardy without having to fight off another useless erection.
Okay, okay, we have a problem.
My brand new mauviel cuprinox pan has been scratched.
Yeah, I'm just gonna let the gravity of that sink in.
- Phil? - Hey.
Everything okay? Yeah, baby.
No, baby, everything is not okay.
What kind of man uses steel wool on an omelet pan? A straight one? We're not pointing any fingers, but I think Phil's lady did it.
I did not.
Not you, toots.
The one from last night.
The one from last night? What? Are you saying my mother ruined your pan? Bye, Phil.
Ow! Oh, sorry about that.
It's a child safety device I'm selling online.
You know, it works on cattle, why not toddlers? Bye, Phil.
You happy, Haskell? Not only did you run off my date, but you almost electrocuted her with one of your stupid products.
Pardon me for running a small home-based business and being the backbone of our economy.
I am America.
Yeah, well then I must be China because you owe me a lot of money and I'm starting to think I'm never gonna see it.
We lost our homes we lost our wives three strangers, what we gonna do? our divorce lawyer said she'd put a roof over our head yeah, she came to our rescue she's where we go when our hearts are broken where we turn when we finally learn we lost the battle of the sexes I'm coming, Stuart.
Holly, you have to do something about those guys.
I can't live with them.
Stuart, it's 10:00 on a saturday night.
You can't just barge in here.
Sorry, do you have a date? I'm asking the questions here.
I knew it.
I knew you'd be over here running to mommy.
Stuart, you are a child.
Ooh, cookie corn.
I wasn't running to mommy.
I was merely voicing my grievances.
Okay, well then let's voice 'em.
Holly, thanks to these two jokers, I had a woman walk out on me tonight.
What if she was the one? Well what was her name? Hurts too much to say.
All right, all right.
You guys, I cannot keep doing this.
Okay? This is the third time this week you've been over here bitching about your problems.
I'm not your mother! Arms up.
Make so big.
So big.
Thanks.
That was scary.
Look, Holly, I've tried to reason with them.
They won't listen.
What are you talking about, Stuart? All I do is listen.
'Cause you won't stop talking.
All right.
Okay.
Shh.
Boys.
You want my help? Here's my suggestion.
The three of you need to go into couples therapy.
You mean, like, marriage counseling or Exactly.
I'm gonna give you the number of a terrific family therapist I recommend some clients to.
She's in my building.
Well, I guess I would be willing to work on "us" if they are.
When you put "us" in air quotes like that, it makes me wanna "run" into traffic.
Come on, Phil, it's a great idea.
Absolutely not.
My people don't do therapy.
We got Jesus.
The lutzes don't do therapy either.
We just gather together at holidays and blame each other for destroying our lives.
Last year, we marched up to the cemetery and kicked over grandpa's headstone.
Well if they're not going, neither am I.
Look, you guys, one thing I learned working with divorced couples is if you don't deal with these problems now, the anger and resentment will build, and then your relationship is doomed.
But you're grown men, I certainly can't tell you what to do.
Well you're going! Hi, come on in.
I'm Dr.
Carol Thomas.
Ah, Dr.
Thomas, it's an honor.
I'm Dr.
Stuart gardner.
Dentist! And you must be Mr.
lutz.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing at all.
Please, have a seat.
I just don't like to be judged, mother.
I mean doctor.
Mr.
lutz, I assure you no one is judging you here.
Isn't there a third member in your group? That would be Phil Late, in his typically passive-aggressive way.
Textbook narcissist, as I'm sure you'd no doubt concur, doctor.
In my practice, I like to refrain from using labels.
That's actual doctor talk for "shut up".
Sorry I'm late.
Uh, sorry, I know.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
chase.
I'm Dr.
Thomas.
So you're the therapist? I'm sorry, I was expecting someone less damn! Please, Mr.
chase, have a seat.
Hitting on the therapist.
Could you embarrass us any more? I see you met my wife.
When you're done with the Bickersons, just tell me when you need me to talk about mother.
Okay, I think I have a sense of the group dynamic here.
So, tell me, what brings you to therapy? Well, we're all divorced and we live together.
We're having some trouble getting along.
Lets start at the beginning.
How did you guys get together in the first place? Our divorce attorney Holly, put us in an apartment together.
That's unusual.
No, not really.
She owns it.
She's our landlord.
Wow, so it sounds like this Holly is pretty involved in your lives.
Well it's not like she lives with us.
Naw, across the hall.
Actually, she's the one who suggested that we come here.
Strongly suggested.
She threatened us.
Anyway, now that you have our histories, I assume we'll start with some trust exercises, perhaps some role play? Is that right, doctor? You like a little role play? We'll certainly work on communication skills, but first I think we need to deal with the bigger issue here.
Mother? And her fall-away house dress? No.
Holly.
Stuart, Haskell, I was thinking about having a lady friend come over tonight and I was wondering how you felt about it.
Thanks for asking, Phil.
It makes me feel validated when you take my feelings into consideration.
I'm fine with it, as long as my cookware is respected.
I'll honor that.
Haskell? I, too, am fine with it, as long as the noise generated through coitus is kept to a respectable level.
I'll be mindful of your concerns and as such, keep the ass-smacking to a minimum.
So how'd therapy go? I thought you guys were gonna stop by when you got back.
Why, I think I speak for all of us when I say - it went very well.
- Really? Pats all around for Holly.
So tell me what happened.
Give me the deets.
To tell you the truth, Holly, it's kind of confidential.
That's right.
Nobody's business but ours.
So come on, tell me.
Any breakthroughs? Actually, yes, a pretty big one.
On your first day, really? Well what is it? Dr.
Carol identified what seems to be one of our core problems.
Fantastic! Which is what? Um you.
Me.
Wait, I'm how am I your problem? Holly, Dr.
Carol said not to discuss the ther Who cares what Dr.
Carol said? I'm starting to feel unsafe.
Okay.
Well, since I'm your problem, I should probably be on my way.
That way your problem's solved.
I think we pissed off the problem.
I'm the problem? I'm the problem? How dare that Dr.
Carol? You know what, who helped those guys get through their divorce, huh? Who put a roof over their heads? I'm not the problem.
You are the solution.
That quack never doesn't know me.
Never even met you.
And she has the audacity - to make me the issue? - Whore.
You know what you should do, as one professional to another? Trash her on yelp? 'Cause, you know, that works.
My ob/gyn had to become a dog Walker.
Okay, no.
I meant talk to Dr.
Carol.
Her office is just two floors up.
March in there and confront her.
Ooh, confronting's good.
You're a good confronter.
Yeah, I'll just go in there, have a little heart to heart with her and once she sees I'm the good guy, she can focus on them and their real problems.
And if that doesn't work, bitchslap her and pull her across the room by her hair.
You're just a little ball of scary, aren't you? Dr.
Thomas? Anybody here? Eew.
Oh, my God.
Their file.
Come on, just a little bit of Yeah, so I'm just trying to find out if there's a way Well come on in, we'll get started.
I must say, I'm very impressed with how prompt you three are.
Well, not that it's a competition, but for the record, I was here first.
And, I journaled.
Well, to show you how much progress I've made, today I won't comment on how hot you are.
Or about the dream I had last night.
Mr.
chase, please.
Um, speaking of dreams, I had another nightmare where I'm brushing mother's wig while a raven sits at the windowsill, mocking me, judging me, telling me I'll never amount to anything.
"Just like your father so go get me a whiskey sour!" What's I mean, doc? What's it mean? Mr.
lutz, why don't we deal with your dreams at a later time? In fact, why don't we schedule you for a psych evaluation? Thank you, doctor.
Jealous, boys? So tell me, how have you all been getting along since our last session? Uh, well, we utilized some of the tools you gave us, and actually they were remarkable effective.
- Thank you, Carol.
- Yeah, thank you, Carol.
Thank you, Carol.
And how are things going with Holly? She came by after our first session to ask how things went.
And did you tell her what's said in here is confidential? We tried.
But she kept probing, didn't she? I'm not surprised.
Clearly she has no boundaries.
Boundaries? I have boundaries.
Then we told her that you said she was the problem.
Interesting.
And how did she react? Well she was somewhat stoic, but behind the facade, I could sense a great deal of sadness.
I just wanted to hug her.
Oh, that's my boy.
But then I realized that would play into her overwhelming need to control me.
You little bitch.
Good for you, Stuart.
Although Holly masks it as compassion, the truth is she attempts to find fulfillment by manipulating you guys into thinking you need her.
It's actually kind of pathetic.
Pathetic? I'm pathetic? How's that What? Eden, I'm bus Lady, you got a lot of nerve.
Let me guess.
Holly? That's right.
The pathetic one.
Holly, the guys are on the phone again.
What should I tell them? Well tell them not to worry.
I won't be interfering in their lives anymore and tell them in exactly those words.
She's in the can doing her lady business.
Thank you, eden.
Come on, this is crazy.
You're gonna have to talk to them at some point.
Why? They don't need me.
They've got their precious Dr.
Carol.
You wouldn't believe the things she said about me and they gobbled up every bit of it.
Do you know that she actually said that I was controlling them because I didn't have a life? What? That is ridiculous.
No, no, no, you have a very full life.
- Yeah.
- For examp Hey, what did you do last weekend? Oh, gosh, last week, uh oh, friday I took Stuart to Barneys and made him return those ridiculous pants he bought.
Skinny jeans are not his friend.
But it's not like that's all you did.
Of course not.
No, no, uh, saturday I took Haskell gallery hopping in Chelsea to broaden his horizons.
Haskell likes art? Oh, no, he hates it.
Oh, okay.
Well what about sunday? Ooh, well Eden, sunday was "me time.
" I read the paper, had a little cup of coffee, I hung out with Phil and his date.
It was such a gorgeous day and I had to practically drag those two out of bed.
Oh, my God, I'm a mess.
Oh, I always knew I could be a little bit controlling and a tad overbearing, but I thought it was cute.
Aww It really isn't.
All along I thought I was helping them.
Oh, my God, I owe those guys an apology.
I need to let them live their own lives.
I'll be fine.
It's not like I don't have other people to hang out with.
I am so screwed.
All clear.
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
I think we accomplished a lot today.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm really glad you suggested a one on one session.
This would have been totally wrong in the group.
Oh, I better go.
Why do I always fall for the bad boys? Perhaps we'll explore that in our next session.
- Ooh.
Oh, my God.
I thought you said they were at the movies.
They're supposed to be.
- Get in the closet! - What? In the closet.
What are you guys doing home so early? Oh, movie was sold out.
And rather than assigning blame, we took ownership of our mutual tardiness and shared our feelings in a paddleboat ride in central park.
Dr.
Carol would be so proud.
Yeah, yeah, proud.
What do you say we head down to the bar? I'm buying.
- Holly.
- Hi.
Sorry, guys, I really need - to talk to you.
- Oh, good.
Well, we'd like to talk to you too.
Yeah, I'll put on some tea so we can dialogue.
Hey, guys, what do you say we dialogue in a neutral place, like the bar? Phil, please, let me get this out, okay? I just I really owe you guys an apology.
I'm sorry.
From now on I promise to be a better friend and take a step back.
I mean, Dr.
Carol was right.
I have just so overstepped my boundaries.
I don't know I think it's coming from the closet.
The closet? No, no.
No, dude, it's coming from outside.
No, it's definitely coming from the closet.
W - Dr.
Carol? - Dr.
Carol's in there? Yes and I'm very impressed with what I've heard.
You've been using active listening, and I've heard a lot of "I" statements, so Well, welly, well.
What have we here? Looks like, uh, oh, how'd you put it? A pathetic person with no boundaries, hmm? At least when I was hiding in the closet, I had my bra on.
Phil.
Phil! Is this true? Did you lay with Dr.
Carol? I know This might seem confusing.
But sometimes people connect in unusual ways.
And please don't tell the state board.
I've got two warnings already.
I finally understand why all the clients I refer to you send me flowers.
Now get out.
No, he's not gonna call you.
You happy? You happy, Phil? You ruined therapy.
What you have done has invalidated everything that Dr.
Carol taught us.
Not everything.
I mean, the lady was flawed.
Which, luckily, I exposed.
But she wasn't wrong about everything.
I am too involved in your lives.
Look, Holly, it's not just you.
I mean, we're the ones who come running to you every time we have a problem.
We're all ridiculously codependent.
Yeah and we're all selfish, needy Controlling, critical, overbearing Stifling, manipulative, soul-crushing Oh, my God, we're family.