The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s02e01 Episode Script

Yes.
Yes, I love you too, Mom.
Yes, Mommy.
Okay.
Mom! No, I'm not gonna get my nose pierced.
Yes, Mom, I'm very happy with the holes that God gave me.
Mom Am I eating a balanced diet? I'd say so.
Mom, no, I'm not making any extra work for Geoffrey.
He hardly even knows I'm here.
Mom, I told you this morning, Carlton and I are getting along great.
Mom, I keep Yo, everything is Mop & Glo, Mom.
They love me here.
Will! Excuse me, Mom, me and Uncle Phil are about to go for a run.
Another minute, madam, and perhaps we'll have a diamond.
I don't know why Philip insisted on putting in all these new gadgets.
To heat something up, I have to be It.
Uhura of the Starship Enterprise.
Mom, I can't use the phone.
We're all supposed to share it but Will talks to Kathleen morning, noon and night.
I've been putting up with it for weeks, and excuse my strong language but I am not a happy camper.
Will's in love, baby.
I think it's sweet.
No, no, no, baby.
No, I wuv you more.
Yes.
No, no, no, no, I wuv you more! All right, you wuv me more.
Isn't that romantic? He's quoting Elmer Fudd.
Hold on, Kathleen.
Click on the other line.
Hi! It's me! No, no, no, I miss you more.
No! I miss you more.
All right, you miss me more.
Oh, you gotta go? I'm gonna miss you.
No, no, I'm gonna miss you more! Nice trick by Aunt Viv.
Dad got us all tickets to the People's Choice Awards.
Thanks for butting in, Hilary.
Anyway, the best part is We get to sit with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.
- Hilary, you promised I could tell.
- I know.
I lied.
I am so excited! Everyone from the A list is gonna be there, which means none of my friends are gonna be there, which means they are all going to corrode with envy and hate my guts.
I love it! I'm going to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Thank you, sir! - Thank you! - Hold on, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey.
You're not having dinner with the Terminator.
- I didn't get you a ticket.
- That's ugly.
Philip, how could you be so insensitive? Geoffrey is a part of this family.
- Major faux pas, Dad.
- Poor Geoffrey.
Like his life isn't sad enough already.
Look, Geoffrey, I sincerely apologize for my oversight but since this means so much to you, and you are a part of the family I'm sure someone here will be glad to give up their ticket for you.
- These juice sticks - I have to call Toni.
Takeout food again? Well, we were having leg of lamb but I accidentally put the oven on self-cleaning and now the door won't open.
Takeout again? No, Hilary, I bought a new set of Styrofoam.
Gosh, Mom, who put the rusty nails in your granola? Look, all this hi-tech has got me a little on edge.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Takeout food again? What happened to the leg of lamb? It's being cleaned! Is that a problem? Geoffrey, we're ready to serve dinner! Takeout again? My baby's observant.
Isn't she observant? Not that observant.
Kathleen, your blouse is unbuttoned.
- Let me.
- Let her.
Better idea.
That food smells terrible.
I feel like I'm sitting in coach.
Oh, thank you for inviting me to the People's Choice Awards.
Think nothing of it, it was no big deal.
Oh, it was more than a big deal, Uncle Phil, it was a humongous deal! I know, and we get to sit with all the stars! People would kill to get those tickets.
Pardon me while I go get a knife.
- Philip! - I'll get him a ticket.
Everyone, look what Will did.
He cut my steak in the shape of a heart.
Isn't he artistic? Actually, that was a puppy.
Oh, whatever it is, it's beautiful.
I'm gonna save it.
And every time I look at it, I'm gonna think of my baby.
Excuse me.
This is the dinner table, not the back seat of a Chevy.
I want to talk to you two in the other room.
Now.
Now, it's time we discussed this relationship.
Vivian, discuss it.
- What Philip is trying to say is - Don't come around here with no babies.
Hold it, hold it.
Is that what this is all about? Look, Uncle Phil, Aunt Viv, I think you guys can relax.
You don't have to worry about us coming around here with no babies.
I mean, we don't even know no babies.
Look, kids, now, we know you care about each other but you have only been dating a short time.
The kind of thing you're talking about takes commitment.
You know, Aunt Viv, you're absolutely right.
Commitment is what this is all about.
And as a token of my commitment I got Kathleen this ring.
- Oh, Will! - Oh, no.
Oh, God! Geoffrey, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.
Mrs.
Banks sent me on some errands.
That is my job.
I am but a lowly servant.
Geoffrey, it took some doing, but I managed to get you a ticket.
Thank you sir.
I am most grateful.
Now I won't have to slash your tires.
- I'm sitting next to Arnold.
- No, I'm sitting next to Arnold.
I don't want my tires slashed.
Geoffrey's sitting next to Arnold.
This dress makes me want to puke.
You can't even tell I have a figure.
You're 13 years old.
You're not allowed to have a figure.
- You look better.
- No, no, no, no, baby, you look better.
- No, you look better.
- All right, I look better.
Except for that rock.
Man! If you value your vision, you won't look directly into the rock.
I love it, Will, thank you.
Dad? - I'm ready.
- Finally! What took you so long? Oh, I just spent an hour chasing my outfit on the new rotating dress rack.
Why didn't you set the variable speed adjuster? Philip, these gadgets are making my life miserable.
Baby, you're the one that's wanted to redecorate.
Well, yeah, I wanted to keep up with the Joneses, honey, not the Jetsons! Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Look, before y'all split each other's wigs - can we have our tickets, please? - Oh, sure.
You lost them, didn't you? No I did not lose them, thank you very much.
I know exactly where they are.
They're in my desk, in my office downtown.
No problem.
We'll just hop on my dress rack and swing by.
Geoffrey, Mrs.
Banks and I are going to swing by my office.
Will's going to ride with Kathleen and you can drive the kids, so we'll meet you at the awards.
Very good, sir.
Boy, this is a rare treat.
I get to cruise Beverly Hills in a Volvo.
Hold up, baby.
I want to go get my lucky mitt.
I want Darryl Strawberry to sign it.
What's your lucky mitt? It's sort of like my lucky drawers, except I wear it on my hand.
Man, this door is like straight out of Blacula.
It's like the '70s crawled up in here and died.
Yeah, J.
J.
Walker's lips are probably around here somewhere.
This is all my stuff I brought from Philly, you know.
When I get homesick I come down here.
It makes me feel better.
Where's my mitt at? Here it is.
My mom gave me this.
She taught me how to play.
That's why I took up basketball.
Oh, hold on.
Yo, Teddy jam.
Man, I used to love this old thing.
- He's so cute! - But I'm cuter.
Beat it, Ted.
See? I told you I knew where they were.
- Fine, Philip, let's go.
- Okay.
Vivian? Did you see Oh, my God.
Philip? Geoffrey! Take it easy on the curves! It's not me, Master Carlton, it's the road.
It thinks it's an Earthquake! Will? - It's over, Will, we're all right.
- The ground moved, all right? The ground.
The ground moved, all right? The ground moved! Baby, it was just a little earthquake.
Baby, no, listen, no.
The ground moved, okay? The ground.
The ground moved.
Nobody was bothering it, it just moved, all right? - But it's over now, and we're fine.
- I am not fine, all right? I'm a grown man sitting under a table hugging a teddy bear.
- I am not fine.
- Oh, poor baby.
I'm really, really not fine.
I'm really, really, really not fine.
Come on, let's get up and find out what's going on.
Hold it, baby.
I'm really really not fine, though.
Will, I think the door's stuck.
Oh, no, no.
No, dear, you must be crazy.
I won't let this door be stuck.
Okay, I can't breathe.
Calm down.
Look, someone's got to come home sometime.
Baby, we'll only be down here a couple of hours.
Okay.
But what if you wrong? Okay? What if they don't come home for, like, ten years? We'd just be like two real, real fly skeletons.
Oh, man.
I may never see my mom again.
I may never see Zimbabwe.
Never dunk on Michael Jordan.
I may never see Rudy get married on The Cosbys.
Daddy, get us off this freeway! - Don't panic, Hilary.
- Yeah, I don't want to have to slap you.
Try it and you'll be singing soprano.
Calm down! I'm sure traffic will be moving any minute.
It was just a small tremor.
- Any word on Will and Kathleen? - They're probably stuck in traffic as well.
This freeway's backed up for miles! Okay.
Okay, kids? We're gonna stay at my office until the power comes back on.
- You behave yourselves.
And Geoffrey? - Sir? Hang in there.
Here we go, babe.
A spot for me and a spot for you.
Whoa, whoa Kathleen, hold up.
That's my spot.
Your spot's over here.
- But your spot is more comfortable.
- I know.
That's why it's my spot.
- Please? - All right, all right.
How can I resist those big green eyes? Wait, baby, what happened to your big green eyes? I put them in my little black purse.
Oh! You wear contacts! Is that okay? Yeah.
I mean Look, I love you for what's on the inside.
And I love you because you're so wonderful.
Will, be careful! That's real hair! Then why isn't it growing out your scalp? I just wanted to look extra special for you tonight.
You do, baby.
You always do.
I mean, look, not that it matters.
I mean, well, it does, but Hey, look, I'm sorry I threw your hair.
I forgive you.
Now, where were we? Beat it, baby! Will! It's just an aftershock! Aftershock? Baby, look, I'm from Philly.
"Aftershock" is not in my vocabulary.
Wind, rain, cheese steak, these are things I know.
It's nothing.
Now would you come back over here? Why not? Because every time I come near you, the ground starts moving.
I'm just trying to get back to Philly where the ground stays still and the people move.
Wilma! So what do you want to sing? How about Go Away Little Girl? Why don't we listen to the radio? With all due respect, Geoffrey, I'll pick the station.
Let me do it.
- I'm not listening to that.
- Well, I'm not listening to that.
- Cut it out, you guys! - You cut it out! - Don't you talk to me like that! - I will talk to you - Geoffrey, what did you do that for? - It was either the knob or one of you.
Look what I found in the old man's office.
Philip, you ought to be ashamed of yourself going through your partner's things.
What brand is it? You know this is the first time we have been alone together in weeks.
- Try months.
- And you look ravishing by candlelight.
I know! And you smell as appetizing as you look.
Philip, are you trying to put the moves on me? - Yes.
Is it working? - Yes.
Want a belly rub? You know this earthquake could have been the big one.
We shouldn't argue about things that just don't matter.
And I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time about the gadgets.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I get carried away with those things at times, baby.
I'll cut back.
- What is that? - It's my automatic pulse monitor.
It likes you.
Well, honey, I hope it has a warranty.
I'm hungry.
Don't you have any more breath mints? No, you ate them all without offering me one.
- Can't have my toothpick, either.
- Did I ask you? Look, baby, why don't you just look in the freezer and see if there's something in there? - Would you look? - Why don't you look? I thought you liked doing things for me.
Yes, I did, until you ate all my breath mints.
Forget it.
I don't need you to do anything for me.
Could you open this? Thought you ain't need me to do nothing for you.
Just open it.
- What's the magic word? - Now! Guess again.
Here, look, I can't open this thing.
I thought you supposed to be the big man.
Look, you the one that's hungry.
Use your fingernails.
Look, look.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Here.
Knock yourself out.
Okay, look, Kathleen, in the last three hours you took out your eyeballs, your fingernails your eyelids, and your hair.
Now what else on your body can I get at the mall? - You are so rude! - Me? I've been bending over backwards trying to make you happy.
You the one that started tripping, ate all my breath mints.
You mention those breath mints one more time, I'm gonna scream! Breath mints.
Breath mints.
Breath mints breath mints, breath mints! Wow! Everything looks okay here to me.
Yeah.
It's too bad those lights came back on down at the office.
Baby, we can turn them off here.
- What was that? - Sounded like a scream.
Yeah, your mom sucks breath mints, too! And I never really thought your ears were cute, I just thought they were big.
Yeah, well, a lot of women seem to find them extremely attractive.
Oh, yeah, like who? Dumbo's mother? Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't find any Lee Press-On Ears.
You know, Will, I am so glad we got stuck down here together.
It gave me a chance to see who you really are.
You know, it gave me a chance to see who you really are, too.
And most of you is in a pile over there on the floor! Yeah, right next to your stupid teddy bear.
Hey, hey, don't be dissing my bear! Well, don't be dissing my hair.
You know what? Let's kill all this noise, sweetheart.
Maybe we don't know each other as well as we thought.
Listen to me, I'm starting to sound like my Uncle Phil.
Next thing I know, I'm going to wake up bald and hungry.
Yeah, we have been moving a little fast.
I guess I should give this back.
Now come on, baby.
No, that's cool, keep that.
Well, it probably cost you a lot of money.
No, it didn't.
Will! Kathleen? Are you down there? Aunt Viv, the door is stuck! Oh, you poor babies! You've been trapped down here all this time.
Will, where is Kathleen? It's me, Mrs.
Banks.
I probably should go call my parents.
- Bye, Will.
- Bye, babe.
Well, thank God nothing happened to you.
Nothing did happen, right? Well, to be honest, something did happen.
Me and Kathleen decided we just gonna chill out for a little bit.
Y'all were right.
Now I'm gonna call my mom.
She's probably worried about me.
Philip, did you hear that? He said we were right.
Yeah.
All it took was an earthquake.
You think something hit him on the head? English