The Goldbergs s02e01 Episode Script

Anyone who grew up in the '80s will tell you there's those huge moments you'll never forget.
Mary Lou Retton winning the gold hands across America The fall of the Berlin wall Alf eating his first cat.
But the thing I remember most was this my first kiss.
It was with Dana Caldwell, the girl down the block, and with the new school year, it was time to define our relationship.
Mixtape.
It's a genius move, pops.
I can say everything I need to say to Dana without actually having to say it.
Forget the tape.
Trust me, I know about women.
If you like a girl, you tell her face-to-face.
Here's what I know about women They confuse and terrify me.
- I'm making a mixtape.
- Someone say mixtape? It's your lucky day.
You came to the right guy.
But I didn't come to you.
You literally just came to me.
You can't just throw some top 40 stuff on a tape.
You need to tell a story, create a narrative about your love.
All right, first question Is she your girl? I don't know.
I haven't seen her all summer.
She went to tennis camp.
I went to space camp.
Good.
She's an athlete.
You're a nerd.
First song Paula Abdul, "Opposites Attract.
" - I'm listening.
- Next song, we reel her in with a silky slow jam by yours truly, Big Tasty.
- I'm not listening.
- Too late.
Next song, we go with a classic Def Leppard's "Pour some sugar on me.
" - That song's nasty.
- Exactly! Nasty wasn't my style So I spent the entire night making an epic mixtape.
It was the perfect blend of Chicago, R.
E.
M.
, INXS, and Weird Al.
It was pure romance.
And that's our first official mixtape.
I hope you like it as much as I like you.
And just like that, I had created a piece of musical art a veritable love letter for the ears, guaranteed to capture the heart of any woman.
Unfortunately, it captured the heart of the wrong woman.
- Snuggle monster.
- Whoa! Whoa! What's happening?! What time is it?! I was just downstairs cleaning, and I found the mixture tape you made for me.
Oh, oh.
Mom, here's the thing I just couldn't wait till morning to let you know that I love you, too.
Boop! It was a rookie mistake to leave anything lying around my house, but my mom wasn't so crazy that she would actually think it was for her, right? - You're still in here, aren't you? - Love you.
You got to tell her that mixtape was meant for Dana.
I can't do that.
Look how happy she is.
- It would shatter her to pieces.
- Well, you better find a way, 'cause you're heading down a very dark road here.
- Fluffy and delicious, just like you.
- Oh! Mom Uh, listen.
I need to tell you something.
Oh, sweet boy, you've already said it all with that tape.
Truth is, I was terrified.
You're in middle school now.
That's how old Barry and Erica were when they stopped loving me.
But now that you've made me this tape, I know that you still love your mama, - and you always will.
- Here's the thing, mom.
Pops was right.
It was time to come clean, or do this.
I need a copy.
- Why? - So - We can listen to it at the same time.
- Aww.
How adorable.
And you know what? Tomorrow night after school, we're getting milkshakes and going to that "Die Hard" movie you've wanted to see.
"Die Hard"?! That's R-rated! No admission without an adult.
Well, you got your adult right here, mister.
Did you just make a date with your mother? Yes! This whole situation is super messed up! Damn it.
Who ate all the Boo-Berry? I gave it to Adam 'cause he's my favorite kid.
What? You can't say that out loud.
Oh, I can, and I just did.
Both of you, look at me.
Adam's my favorite.
- Yeah, I'm okay with it.
- Me too.
Yep, it was a dark road, all right.
I'm twisted up inside but nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future but the past keeps getting clearer every day It was September 4, 1980-something, and Erica was kicking off the school year in a big way with a fake I.
D.
Well, nice to make your acquaintance, - Sophia Lopez.
- Give it back.
You don't want to share it with me? That's not very generous, considering you're an organ donor from the great state of New Hampshire.
- Forget you saw this, understand? - No can do.
I have a pornographic memory.
I want in.
No way.
You can't handle a fake I.
D.
You'll immediately get caught and ruin it for everyone.
Well, if you don't help me get one, I'm telling dad.
- You wouldn't.
- Dad! - Shut up.
- Dad! You know he always comes on the third "dad" 'cause he can't ignore it anymore, And the man won't be happy 'cause he'll have to walk the stairs.
He hates to walk the stairs.
I don't care.
I'm not helping you.
- Dad! - What?! Why are you calling my name? What do you want? The hell's so damn important that you make me walk the stairs? Well, I just discovered that Erica is Ow.
Gonna help her brother.
Thank you for your time.
What came next was a classic Murray Goldberg golden rule one he said every day.
Okay, whatever you two are up to, I'm not bailing you out.
- Understood.
- Understood.
Yeah.
Guess I'm downstairs for the rest of the day.
While Barry's year was looking up, I was about to lock it down with Dana.
So, do you want to ride our bikes later? I found a dead snake and I was wondering if you wanted to poke it with a stick or something.
Actually, um, a bunch of people are going to Laserium tonight.
You know, the laser-light show.
Do you want to go together? I had a perfect opening to take pop's advice and be honest with my special lady.
Instead, I did this.
Here.
Gotta go.
It's a mixtape! The good news was I had a date with Dana Caldwell.
The bad news I was double booked.
Who's ready for our movie date? - I bought a new sweater.
- Yeah, I was thinking, about our date Maybe we can hang out on Saturday instead? - Really? - Yeah! Make a whole day of it.
Pack a picnic, hit the park, get a paddle boat.
I mean, I don't want to be stuck in some movie.
I want to talk, find out what makes you tick, really dig in.
What do you think? Holy [bleep.]
I love that idea! I love it.
Great.
See you on Saturday.
While I was spinning my web of lies, my brother and sister were working on - a deception of their own.
- Uh, with double prints, your film comes out to $17.
23.
Before the age of digital cameras, you actually had to venture across town to get your pictures from a creepy guy in a vest.
There's your pictures.
Nice pecs.
What do you do, high weight, low reps? - Yeah.
- I do arms on weekends, legs on Thursday - Let me do the talking.
- Of course.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Remember me? Sophia Lopez.
- I was here last week.
- I want a fake I.
D.
, okay? You a cop? - You wearing a wire, buddy? - Huh? What's that strap? What's down here? All right, if you are wearing a wire and I catch you, you have to retire from the force that day without a pension.
- That's the law.
- Nobody's wearing a wire, and you should probably read a law book.
Hmm.
All right, let's do this.
Step into the cutout.
Step into the future.
This is so high-tech.
- Yes, it is exciting.
- All right, smile.
And three, two, one.
Dude, what are you doing? No.
Just act normal.
Lose the hat.
Come on.
But Zeus Alexander Washington always wears a hat.
Oh, no.
That's your name? That's too many letters, dude.
That's to weird.
It's too stupid.
I like my second choice better anyway - James Bond.
- Taken.
- Barry Bonds.
- Also taken.
- Barry Fakington! - What's wrong with you? Just pick a normal name already.
- Barry Goldberg! - That's your name.
- Erica Goldberg.
- Idiot, that is my name! - Sir Richard Chamberlain.
- Stop panicking! Mr.
Clock table! Now you're just saying things that you see.
I'll pick you a name, dude, all right? And just like that, Barry had his new identity.
Carlos Del Monaco of Mehoopany, Pennsylvania.
As Barry was getting a new identity, I was still getting up the nerve to find out where I stood with Dana.
Luckily, she made it easy for me.
- I listened to the mixtape.
- Oh.
- Did you like it? - I played it like four times.
You're a good boyfriend.
There it was.
Proof that if you never speak your feelings, eventually, the other person will.
That night, I was walking on air, and nothing could bring me down.
Hi, Shmoopy.
Did you kids have fun? - For sure.
- Totally.
Well, everybody buckle up, 'cause we're about to take a musical journey with a special mixtape No! No! No! No! No! No! No! From my number-one guy.
Hey, it's me.
[Chicago's "You're the inspiration" plays.]
I made this tape special for you, and all the songs on it remind me of us, especially this one, 'cause you're my inspiration.
You know our love was meant to be - Is that my mixtape? - # The kind of love to last forever # Oh, balls.
And I want you here with me - You too, Dana.
It's fine.
- What's going on? Why does your mom have my mixtape? Oh, you're confused.
Um, Adam made me that tape because I'm the inspiration.
What? I thought I was the inspiration.
- You are.
- Uh - I'm the inspiration.
- Those words are on that tape, yes.
So, then, who's the inspiration, Adam? Yeah, Adam.
Who is the inspiration? Did you give me and your mom the same mixtape? Okay, both of you like to laugh, so you'll appreciate this.
- Yes.
- This is weird.
I'm just gonna go grab a ride with my friends.
- No! - Yeah, bye, Dana.
Don't go.
I made the tape for you, okay? But my mom thought it was for her because she's a freaking lunatic! I was just trying to spare her crazy feelings! Well, I'm glad you spared her feelings.
I had seriously pissed off my girlfriend.
But maybe I could still salvage things with my mom.
So is "Die Hard" still an option? Yeah, no.
Not happening.
Whoo! Guess who just turned 25! Carlos Del Monaco.
Who wants spray paint, lottery tickets? I can vote, rent a car, lease a junior one-bedroom apartment.
I'm all man, all the time! All right, party's over.
Give me your fake I.
D.
Fake I.
D.
? Where are you getting this? I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you've literally shown it to every student in school.
I have been trying to ignore you all day.
So, I got carried away.
Come on, Coach Meller.
You remember the rush of having a fake I.
D.
, right? Ah, geez, all right.
Just don't let me see it again.
You got it.
These lips are zipped.
- Yo.
You the dude with the fake I.
D.
? - Yes, I am.
Carlos Del Monaco at your service.
I'm throwing an end-of-the-summer bash at my place, seniors only, but you can come if you score us some beer.
I can get you all the beers you want, young man.
How many beers we talking? Huh? Huh? Huh? - 10 cases should be enough.
- 10 cases? Entire senior class is counting on you, buddy.
Don't let us down.
You got it.
You got it.
I'm gonna get the entire senior class totally loaded tonight with this little beauty right here.
- No, you're not.
- Damn it! Dana.
Wait.
Look, I I know you've been avoiding me, but we've got to talk about what happened.
Okay.
Talk.
Seemed like my only option was to finally do what pops said and speak from the heart.
Or try the tape thing again.
Oh, I've made you a new mixtape.
Only for you.
- "Adam's sorry jams"? - Every title has the word "sorry" in it.
That's great, and if I lose that, I can always get the other copy from your mom.
Funny stuff.
But we're still on for Laserium Saturday, right? - I think I just need some space.
- Space? Totally get it.
You're talking to the dude that went to space camp.
Even though all the women in my life were mad at me, at least I could turn to a sweet cereal ghost for comfort.
Ah, Boo-Berry.
Or not.
- Aw, dang it.
No more Boo-Berry.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I gave the last of it to Erica.
Looks like I'm the favorite kid now.
It won't last long, but I'm enjoying it.
Here you go, pumpkin loaf.
And you enjoy your tuna! I know how well it keeps on long school days.
If I ever wanted Boo-Berry or my mother's love again, I had to give my mom a sincere apology that I meant for someone else.
Hey, I made this for you special.
"Adam's sorry jams.
" Aww.
Sweet gesture.
Where's the case? The case? Oh, no case.
I-I wanted the music to speak for itself.
What's that case-shaped thing in your pocket? That's my Uno deck.
I I have a big tournament at school.
Got to go.
I know you made that mixture tape for Dana! No Boo-Berry for you ever again! As bad as things were for me, they were even worse for barry.
There you go, mur-man.
Frosty cold one.
I didn't ask for this.
What do you want? Nothing.
I just thought I'd bring my old man a bottle of suds.
Speaking of, how many of those bad boys are in a case? - 24.
- Damn it.
That's so many beers.
I mean, there's only four here.
Why don't we cruise down to Wawa and buy you a whole bunch more? I'm not gonna buy you beer, moron.
Pardon me? That's not what I'm asking you for.
I'm just I'm looking for a fun father-son activity, you know? Like like buying beer.
Or making beer.
That'd be fun, right? Let's go buy some Yeast and Barley - and start bonding in the bathtub.
- Okay Whatever stupid thing you're up to, I am not bailing you out.
I know you always say this, but let's just pretend for one second - I did something real stupid.
- I can do that.
Isn't it your legal responsibility - as my father to bail me out? - No.
It's my responsibility to make you face whatever dumb-ass decision you made head on, even if it kills you.
I'm a good dad.
Barry didn't get what he wanted out of my dad.
But turns out he got what he wanted out of my dad's wallet.
Whoo! This should get me through the night.
- I love beer.
- This is all for you? Sure is.
Missus is a yapper.
- So you're Murray Goldberg.
- Yeah.
Work down at the old furniture store.
Have the three kids back at home.
I call 'em morons, but I secretly love them.
So, you're telling me that you're almost 50 years old? I just look young.
Got a bit of a baby face.
I'm half Hawaiian.
Aloha.
Okay, Murray.
When's your birthday? Oh, I should know this.
Damn it! Obviously, I, uh I drink a lot.
You do know that your father comes in here every morning - for a cup of coffee, right? - No, I did not.
- I think I'm gonna ring up your father.
- Thank you for your time.
It was Friday night Dwayne Martin's senior party.
Even though Barry lost his fake I.
D.
and my dad's real one, he was still determined to be the hero.
- You are in so much trouble! - Dad?! If you think I'm gonna let you go into that party with a bag full of - sandwiches? Where's the beer? - There is no beer.
But I went to Lee's Hoagies and bought cheesesteaks and - patty melts and heroes.
- Why? 'Cause when you arrive to the party with a hero, they'll think you're a hero.
And another name for a hoagie is a hero! And I want to be a hero! - You're a moron! - I know.
I mean, you spent their beer money on sandwiches? - What's wrong with you? - Just wanted this year to be different.
You know, for for once, I want to go to a party where people were actually excited to see me.
Yo! The moment had arrived.
Collars were popped, which meant tension was high.
My dad had a choice.
He could do what he always said and not bail Barry out, or he could do this Damn it, Barry! If you think you can take this ice-cold, delicious beer, some of it very expensive from Germany, you got another thing coming! It's a good thing I came here! Let's go! Fight the power, Carlos.
My brother may have failed, but my dad gave him a victory.
Hey, honey.
You okay? Kids used to make me stuff like this all the time.
I used to think I'd need a bigger box.
Guess not.
You do know that no son makes a mixtape for his mom.
I guess I just wanted it to be true.
I don't want Adam turning out horrible like the others.
Honey, he's a teenager.
They're all horrible.
But it's just so hard, you know? I mean, when they're young, they just love you so much.
And then they grow up and they don't.
Hey, Adam loves you.
The fact that he didn't tell you the truth about the tape just shows you how much.
But when it comes to him and Dana, you got to stay out of it.
Oh, my god.
You're right.
Guess I kind of made it more complicated for him.
He's a smart kid.
He'll figure it out.
You're right.
I have to help him figure it out.
What? No.
Don't get involved.
Yes.
Get involved! Make a grand gesture to help win Dana back for my little boy! What's happening? Are we even having the same conversation? - Don't do that! - I am gonna do that! Dad, you are the best.
I'm gonna do it! Baby, you're the meaning in my life You're the inspiration - Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
- Adam? - We need to talk.
- If you got another tape, just leave it.
No.
No more tapes.
Just words.
I should've just told you how I felt, okay? Told you that I really like you.
Told you that I never felt this way about anyone.
And I'd do anything to be your boyfriend.
I didn't know if she was buying it, then this happened.
You should know Everywhere I go Always on my mind - I can't believe you did this.
- Yeah.
It's unbelievable.
You're the inspiration You bring feeling to my life You're the inspiration Thank you.
I want to have you hear me sayin' Oh, my god.
How did you pull this off? I guess I just know the right person.
Turns out my mom broke into the control booth and terrified the engineer, but she actually saved me.
So, you're finally the hero.
I hope it felt good.
Yep.
Thanks to you.
You know, after all that big talk, in the end, you still rescued me.
Well, don't get used to it.
It'll never happen again.
Come on.
We both know you'll always bail me out.
- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.
- No, I won't.
- Yes, you will.
Yes, I will.
But don't tell the others.
Always on my mind No one needs you more than I That's the thing about parents.
No matter how hard we make it for them, they always bail us out.
Hi, Dana.
I never thought I'd say this, but I love you, and remember, you're the everything, and here's the song by R.
E.
M.
, "You are the everything.
" There you go.
A new boat, huh? Your wife loves to water ski.
I like the one-piece, but the bikini really works on her.
- How you doing, old-timer? - My granddaughter, Sophia Lopez, said that you might know how to fabricate an identification.
Let's just say I could do such a thing.
Why would a distinguished gentleman like yourself require such an item? Let's just say I told a younger woman I was 60 and need a way to prove it.
Can you help? It depends.
Are you a cop? Because if you lie and bust me, not only do I go free, I get to keep your badge for a year.
That's the law.
- I have $200 cash.
- Step into the cutout.