The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson (2009) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
1 Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) Steven Gerrard, well played, but replays are showing that your first goal was offside.
MUMBLING: Yeah, well, erm, I've not seen it.
You've just got to go with what the ref says.
We've had lots go against us, so it's nice it we've maybe had one just goes our way.
Any reaction to the news that the US Government has scrapped plans tor a manned NASA expedition to Mars? Erm, well, I think it's very disappointing, you know.
Manned exploration of the red planet seems to be the, erm, next step tor the space program.
I think, erm, the chances of some of the basic building blocks of lite up there are pretty high, most likely some microscopic organisms in the permafrost and that.
But what can you say, robots are cheaper.
Thanks for talking to us, Stevie.
OK.
OK.
That's enough.
With another wedding days away, Katie is having trouble organising the photographer.
How much?! You've got to be kidding me! Tell me you are kidding me?! I'll be honest with you, you wouldn't even get a Kerry bleedin' Katona wedding tor that money! No, you listen to me I want one million pounds or I'm selling the exclusive to OK Magazine! Like I say Her new fiance, Michael, does his best to get her to calm down.
Calm down, dear.
Will you stop telling me to calm down! But it's what I do, clear.
I tell people to "calm down, clear"! Look, I'm not being tunny, or anything but you say that once more and I will kill you.
Do you Simon Wilberforce Dwayne Cowell, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? To love and to cherish, till death do you pan? Well, the good news is I've made a decision And that decision isl do not want to keep you wailing for an answer and so, kiddo, I'm here to tell you, you're going homewith me to pack your bags and move out to a place big enough tor Do you know what? She didn't want it enough.
Fearne.
Fearne.
Fearnanda Jane Cotton! What?! Put your headphones on.
We're back after this tune.
I know! I'm a professional radio presenter.
We've got the next guest down the line.
In fivefourthree Yeeaaahhh.
You're listening toradio.
And this is Fearne Cotton with the big Wednesday interview.
This week, major oh-my-god-age, I'm going to be wagging the old chinny chin chin with Bananarama.
Woah! Yeah! Barack Obama.
Barack Oramanana! Ermhello there.
Big up to the Big B! You're on the radio! Are you excited? Are you? Tastic.
Really 'tastic.
S'great.
No, serious though.
Big issues.
Got to ask you this.
You're like King or something.
So can you tell my parents that I can stay up and watch America's Next Top Model? Is this Jeremy Vine? America's Next Top Model.
Have you seen it? Have you? It is a total fierce-test! Oh, my god, it so rocks.
Come over.
We can watch it in our jamas.
Aaaargh! There's a bogey on the table thing.
Major grossage.
I so can't sit here, miss I might get germs.
You can, you know.
Kelly told me.
Her granddads got a wooden eye.
Baractacus Obamarama, King Of The World, have you got any wooden bits? We've lost him, Fearne.
He hung up.
Oh.
Come on.
What did we say about sulking? You're not my real mum.
Well, I like North Korea, with its communist style dictatorship, but then I like South Korea with its democratic republic, but which political system is better? There's only one way to find out Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! THEY SHOU What are the chances at that happening, eh? Have I ever committed a crime? No, but I could murder a kebab! When Brucie does that "I'm not doddery" thing, I'm quite often tempted.
Is it a crime to stand up against poverty? ls it a crime to tight climate change? What about stealing a Wagon Wheel? With the big day almost upon them, Katie and Michael are now having a disagreement over the seating plan.
My dear, this is absolute madness.
You simply can't have your very dear friend, Duncan from Blue, sitting between my very dear friend, Sir Michael Caine and his very dear wile, Shakira Caine.
Yeah.
All right.
That would mean that my very dear friend, John Cleese, would be perched at the end next to your very dear friend, Dane from Another Level.
Whatever.
And what's this here? My very dear friend, Liz Taylor Welcome to the final pan of our two hour special - Derren Brown Steals The Nose Of A Child.
There are no mirrors, no actors, no stooges, no clever editing.
Just me, this empty, secure warehouse, one rather nervous child, Robin.
Hello.
Robin was selected from 500 volunteers in the process that you saw during episodes one to eight.
Robin is a normal child with a non-detachable nose.
Robin is nasal-intacta.
Robin, you're looking slightly nervous.
You should be, I am about to steal your nose.
Two years of preparation.
Hundreds of hours of filming.
12 episodes leading to this, the big moment, where I am about to steal your nose, the moment where it all comes together or lend up looking a bit of an idiot.
Here goes.
I'm about to steal your nose.
That is it! I have your nose.
THAT is your nose.
Well, done.
II you want to know how we did that just go to go to our website or ask your granddad.
I'll be back soon with a new 12-part series in which I will remove my own thumb and then reattach it causing no physical harm to my actual body.
In Derren Brown's Thumb Trick.
Until then, thank you very much indeed.
First floor.
Floor tour, please.
LIFT CREAKS AND RATTLES on, God.
Just press the alarm.
ALARM RINGS Hope no-one needs the loo.
I'm not good in lifts.
II we just stay calm, then we'll be tine.
Take slow, deep breaths you'll be all right.
PANTING Slower than that though.
That's not me.
Gosh.
We're stuck.
Wow, this is crazy! I think you just need to calm down a bit.
Yes, everybody calm down! Gosh! All of us strangers stuck in a lift! SHE PANTS Crazy! Mad! Please do not swear! Oh, god! Shes taking up all our oxygen! Help! Help! Steven Gerrard, not like you to be involved in a scuffle.
What happened? MUMBLING: You know, it was nothing, I left me leg in there a little bit long, the lad's gone down.
He's got the hump, words were said.
But I've just seen him in the corridor, everything's tine.
That's good to hear.
Any thoughts on whats causing, the decline of the bee population? It seems likely it's probably some sort of mite infesting the bees.
But you know there are all sons of other things going on, you know, decline of wild flowers, destruction of the hedgerows, it all adds up.
But, I don'! want to be too negative, there's a good chance it's pan of the natural cycle.
Thank you, Stevie.
Yeah, thanks.
Later on, we'll be finding out how blancmange can kill and after one Watchdog viewer's house burned down when he innocently poured petrol on his carpet and set light to it, we'll be angrily blaming the managing director of petrol.
But first this "The blizzard blew in ice from the north, âbut Jessica and the Lieutenant seemed unaware.
âThey only had eyes for each other.
âHungry, lustful eyes.
"She threw herself into the soldier's arms, giving herself to him, utterly.
"He tore off her parker and threw her down onto the bed of pure white snow.
âIt was freezing cold, but the weather was doing nothing to dampen their passions.
"It was however almost certainly playing havoc with her clematis.
The trick here is to create a wall out at leaves or straw, âperhaps trapped between two sheets at chicken wire.
"Covering your climbing plants with one of these at night âshould protect you from the worst ravages of the frost.
âThen they went at it like rabbits.
â True story.
Oh, hello.
I did try to calm them down, but they got a little bit over excited.
Wow, real live firemen.
Brilliant! Utterly brilliant! Phwoar! With the seating plan now sorted, Katie and Michael turn to the tricky problem oi the catering.
You're not listening.
This is my big clay.
I mean you only get married a dozen or so times.
But darling, Claridges won't budge on this, they simply will not serve Bacardi Breezers.
Or McNuggets.
But I want them! I want them! Calm down, dear! That's it.
The weddings off.
I'm going to find another husband.
I suppose, I was warned.
Police! Come quick! There's a pub brawl going on! A man's getting attacked! It's horrible! Where? On the corner of Goldthorpe Road and Harling Street, where that new house is! You know the green one.
Of course it's not actually green, that's just the colour you go when you hear the price.
âEcoâ they call it.
âEcoâ! Echo more like, big stupid great empty thing.
It runs on solar power.
Solar power! In England? Don't make me laugh.
You want drizzle power.
You want dreary power.
Muggy power.
Anyway.
What? Oh, him.
Oh, don'! worry about him.
They've probably killed him.
Anyway, I was in Greggs the other day buying a vanilla slice Have you not seen any of my TV shows? I once jacked a Kit Kat from the corner shop.
I cried when they caught me.
They let me off.
That was yesterday.
I once bit off a man's ear in a cage fight.
What the hell?! It's manure.
Someone's dropped a pile of manure in our drive.
Who on earth would do that? STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE It was me! I'm Bruno Tonioli, I'm a little bit cheeky.
What kind of person drop a big pile of moo cow number two poo-poo over a stranger's driveway? Cheeky Bruno does.
I'm such a little devil.
Smacky botty, boom boom! Ooh, I'm the cheekiest little Bruno in the whole, wide world and nobody can stop me! How do you like those cheeky onions? Cheeky enough for you? Ooh! Poo! I'm getting out of the place, it pen and ink's around here.
Hello, Ken.
Patricia.
I didn't think you were going to come.
It's been years, Ken.
Years! I used to dream about you every night.
Yeah? Well, I used to only need one seat on the bus Things change.
So what do you want? I want you back, Pat Harris.
Pat Evans.
You're married? I was.
Roy Evans.
He died.
Before that I was married to Frank Butcher.
He died.
Before that, Brian Wicks.
He's dead.
Before that I was married to Pele Beale.
He's brown bread n'all.
Yeah, well, maybe we won't get married then.
I want you to come back to Weatheflield with me, Pat.
I'm ready to tell the world that you were my secret girlfriend number 38.
No! They must never find out! People wouldn't understand.
People like us aren't meant to mix.
We're like Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Dr Who and that Dalek he knocked up.
What we had, it was just one night of madness in a coach on the M1.
And then on the M6 And then on the M62.
Crikey, I had some stamina in those days.
Goodbye, Ken.
Pat, is there nothing I can say to make you slay.
Nothing.
Nothing I cangive you? You haven't?! I remembered, Pat.
I've always been a sucker for a small pair of earrings.
All right, Ken.
I'll come back with you to Weatherlield.
But, Ken Yes, Pat.
Let's take the coach.
Stevie, looked like you pulled up with a hamstring.
ls that why the gaffer took you oft? Yeah, but it's just a tweak, like.
Some ice on it.
Should be tine by Tuesday.
I'm sure there'll be a lot of tans very relieved to hear that.
And do you think Meryl Streep's been unfairly overlooked for an Oscar in the last 30 years? Erm, I don'! really think so, no.
I think she's a very showy actress.
The accents are spot on but, erm, where's the emotion in what she does? She's always reliable so I'm happy to see her nominated but, erm, maybe go elsewhere for the top prize this time round.
Thank you tor that, Stevie.
Right, thanks, yeah.
OMLG! White goods! Find Lady Gaga an assistant.
Right away, m'lady.
Garcon! Do you have this in a size eight? The hoover? Yeah, or a six, maybe they come up bigger? It's a hoover.
We've got one that does pet hair? What's the biggest one of these you have? That'll be the Frostmaster, 8.
4 cubic feel of energy storage with integral icemaker and reversible doors for Shh.
What colours do you have? I think we've got black or red in stock but we could order you No.
Lady Gaga will try that one.
Where's your titling room? This is Curry's.
I'll find it myself.
She is fabulous at accessorizing.
CREAKING AND SAWING DRILLING AND BANGING Lady Gaga wonders it this would be better in red.
No.
The ensemble is to die for, m'lady.
In that case, Lady Gaga will take the whole outfit.
And now the weather with Ruben Peston.
Well, it you thought today was bad, just wait until tomorrow, because all this thick cloud and heavy snow are really just the tip at the iceberg.
Yesit's an actual iceberg.
Frightening, isn't it? Of course no-one can say for certain if it's going to hit us.
But it's definitely going to hit us.
Frightening, isn't it? Conservative estimates say that I'm talking rubbish and everything's going to be tine, but my sources tell me that, by Wednesday, Scotland will simply snap oft and sink into the sea.
Sobering stuff.
For those oi us who survive, Thursday will show slight recovery in the weather just before the meteorite hits us.
And, yes, it's a big one.
So, in summary we're all going to die.
Frightening, isn't it? So, it's good night from me And you may as well let the bed bugs bite.
I've done some research and it's a battle we just can't win.
Sobering thought.
Extraordinary day! Later on, we'll be investigating why the stuffing in soft toys can kill it you take it and jab it down your own throat with a knife.
And, as one Watchdog viewer goes blind after poking his own eyes out, we'll be demanding answers from the managing director of eyes.
But first, this Don't you believe it - little old me's got my own workout DVD! My very own workout DVD! Walk last, walk last.
Little skip, little skip.
Walk back, walk back, vibrating oi the hair.
And what's the story of the cellophane in which they wrap a DVD in? This is a mini workout trying to get the cellophane oft the DVD.
Walk back, walk back.
irritate, annoy.
Walk back, walk back.
Observe, annoy.
These days you don'! even need to walk to the shops to buy your workout DVD.
Simply order it online, sitting on your sofa, eating chips and gravy.
What is going on there?! Oh, yes! I'm really getting into it now! Here in my favourite city of all lt's Scunthorpe! Thing about an exercise DVD, it you're really out of shape, you can put your back out pulling the DVD into the DVD machine.
Little skip, little skip.
Walk this way, walk this way.
Walk back, walk back.
irritate, annoy.
Walk back, walk back.
Observe, annoy.
Available now in stores.
Here's your problem, someone's put sugar in your petrol tank.
Sugar in the petrol tank? But who'd do something like that? STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE It was me! Bruno Tonioli, I'm a little bit cheeky.
Smacky botty, boom, boom! Sugar, sugar, brum, brum! l am the cheekiest boy in the whole world, and nobody can stop me.
Ooooh! Cheryl Cole has come to Bethnal Green records office to trace her ancestors.
Well, the family did originally come from this area.
Here you can see we've got your great, great grandmother, Elspeth Tweedy.
Aw, great! "Rag" Rag Sorter.
Living at No, it was part of the Old Nichol slum.
It's long since been pulled down.
Oh.
So where does she live now? Well, she doesn't.
What? She's homeless? Oh, the poor love.
She's dead.
Dead? When? She was 86.
If we go back further, there are more surprises.
Blue blood, in fact.
Sir Philip Tweedy.
In 1653, he signed up as a musketeer in Cromwell's New Model Army.
Right.
So, what does he do now? Well, nothing.
He's dead.
Not him as well! He'd be 380 years old.
He'd have so many stories to tell! Cheryl carries on the search in Tetbury.
These land deeds are from 716 AD and belong to my earliest traceable ancestor, Ceolwald, loyal to Aethelred of Mercia, grandson of Penda.
Let's see it he's in.
Nooooooo! SHE SOBS Why? Why? Why? Why? This is a horrible programme.
Moan.
Whinge.
Moan.
Whinge.
Moan, moan, moan, whinge, whinge, whinge.
More moaning.
More whinging.
That's Watchdog.
Can we have our next contender, please.
And your name is? Ian Hislop.
Your occupation? Sarcastic smarty pants.
And your chosen specialist subject? Um, everything.
Very well, Ian Hislop.
Two minutes on Um Everything.
Your time starts now.
What was the name at Oh, yes, this is about the Government.
Apparently they think they can do whatever they like and we wont notice.
Just because they're our elected representatives, there's no reason why they should listen to what we want at all.
Hmm.
No, what is the name lt's not about the Government.
It's about bankers.
Not actually rhyming slang.
Apparently, even though their incompetence brought the country to its knees, they think they're entitled to take huge bonuses out at the money we paid them to bail them out.
No, what is the name of the No, it's not about bankers, is it? It's about lawyers or Jeffrey Archer Mmmm.
Something smells putrid.
Thank you, Tim Burton's life partner.
How was your clay, Tim Burton's Tim Burton? Gloomy.
Mine too.
Most excellent.
Happiness is so fleeting and, you know, over-rated.
I love your bleak outlook, my dark-ling.
We're like two rotten peas in a miserable black pod.
How long until dinner? Take a seat at Tim Burton's table.
It'll be ready in a Sweeny Todd.
Yum yums! So what are we having for starters? That is Tim Burton's starter.
It is? lt's a plate of emptiness - you know, empty, like my soul.
Oh, scrumptious! Would you care for some wine? Red? Of course.
Yum.
Delicious.
But it's empty.
It is empty, yes.
Like my soul.
Hang on a minute.
Isn't that a bit samey? lt's Tim Burton samey.
Which is why I love it! Cheers.
Oh, Timmy-Wimmy, you are so gently depressing.
I could never love another.
And prey, what is this masterpiece? My latest creation - Tim Burton's spaghetti.
It sounds amazing.
But what makes it Tim Burton's spaghetti, Hunny-Wun? Well, if you will, it's a re-imagining of the classic food except with a slightly darker sauce.
And of course it's got Johnny Depp in it.
Hello, Belle.
Perfect! How did we ever find each other?! I so hate a happy ending.
Va.
Me too.
And is clearly not an amoral money grabbing parasite at all.
No Piers Morgan? What a charming fellow, obviously.
I'm sorry, you're out of time.
The correct answer was, in tact, the Ninky Nonk Which means the winner is Paul Merton, same as always.
And now an appeal.
Hello.
I'm Joanna Lumley.
Lovely, scrumptious Joanna Lumley.
If I were some kind of dessert, I'd be a big chocolate eclair, just oozing cream and elegance.
You may remember I recently led the Gurkhas to victory got East 1? back together, and then swam the Channel whilst pulling a fridge with my teeth.
Well, now I've turned my BAFTA winning good looks to a new plight.
Times have been hard for all of us recently, but one group has been hit particularly hard.
Of course, I'm talking about estate agents.
Meet Lee, Lee and Lee.
Lee will be lucky if he earns 10,000 this year and most of that will go on hair product.
After Lee's finished buying styling clay, fixing spray and pomade, there's hardly anything let! For the baby.
And Lee has got so desperate, he's started making his own mousse out of toothpaste and peat.
Yuck.
Can't you help these awful, awful men? I'm Joanna Lumley.
Help me help you help these people now, or I'll set my Gurkha on you.
Not technically a crime, but I did once single-handedly cause a global economic meltdown.
I jay-walked on real jays.
I love your darkness.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I have started a few tights.
Fight! âHey diddle diddle,â it says here, not my choice of words, âThe cat and the fiddle,â which is an argument wailing to happen.
I mean, the strings are made of ca! guts, I can't see the ca! taking that lying down.
Then something about a cow that jumps over the moon, which would never happen.
Couldn't clear a two foot fence.
âAnd the little dog laughedâ, although I tail to see what at.
I've had funnier infections, honest to God.
And how do they wrap up this rubbish? A dish elopes with some cutlery.
Well, ha-ha, I must say.
We're back next week with Cinderella, the story of a whining teenager who disobeys her family and sneaks out to a party.
Young people today - it's a disgrace.
Any chance of a cup of tea round here, by the way? Me stomach thinks me throat's been cut.
Come on, get your finger out.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
MUMBLING: Yeah, well, erm, I've not seen it.
You've just got to go with what the ref says.
We've had lots go against us, so it's nice it we've maybe had one just goes our way.
Any reaction to the news that the US Government has scrapped plans tor a manned NASA expedition to Mars? Erm, well, I think it's very disappointing, you know.
Manned exploration of the red planet seems to be the, erm, next step tor the space program.
I think, erm, the chances of some of the basic building blocks of lite up there are pretty high, most likely some microscopic organisms in the permafrost and that.
But what can you say, robots are cheaper.
Thanks for talking to us, Stevie.
OK.
OK.
That's enough.
With another wedding days away, Katie is having trouble organising the photographer.
How much?! You've got to be kidding me! Tell me you are kidding me?! I'll be honest with you, you wouldn't even get a Kerry bleedin' Katona wedding tor that money! No, you listen to me I want one million pounds or I'm selling the exclusive to OK Magazine! Like I say Her new fiance, Michael, does his best to get her to calm down.
Calm down, dear.
Will you stop telling me to calm down! But it's what I do, clear.
I tell people to "calm down, clear"! Look, I'm not being tunny, or anything but you say that once more and I will kill you.
Do you Simon Wilberforce Dwayne Cowell, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? To love and to cherish, till death do you pan? Well, the good news is I've made a decision And that decision isl do not want to keep you wailing for an answer and so, kiddo, I'm here to tell you, you're going homewith me to pack your bags and move out to a place big enough tor Do you know what? She didn't want it enough.
Fearne.
Fearne.
Fearnanda Jane Cotton! What?! Put your headphones on.
We're back after this tune.
I know! I'm a professional radio presenter.
We've got the next guest down the line.
In fivefourthree Yeeaaahhh.
You're listening toradio.
And this is Fearne Cotton with the big Wednesday interview.
This week, major oh-my-god-age, I'm going to be wagging the old chinny chin chin with Bananarama.
Woah! Yeah! Barack Obama.
Barack Oramanana! Ermhello there.
Big up to the Big B! You're on the radio! Are you excited? Are you? Tastic.
Really 'tastic.
S'great.
No, serious though.
Big issues.
Got to ask you this.
You're like King or something.
So can you tell my parents that I can stay up and watch America's Next Top Model? Is this Jeremy Vine? America's Next Top Model.
Have you seen it? Have you? It is a total fierce-test! Oh, my god, it so rocks.
Come over.
We can watch it in our jamas.
Aaaargh! There's a bogey on the table thing.
Major grossage.
I so can't sit here, miss I might get germs.
You can, you know.
Kelly told me.
Her granddads got a wooden eye.
Baractacus Obamarama, King Of The World, have you got any wooden bits? We've lost him, Fearne.
He hung up.
Oh.
Come on.
What did we say about sulking? You're not my real mum.
Well, I like North Korea, with its communist style dictatorship, but then I like South Korea with its democratic republic, but which political system is better? There's only one way to find out Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! THEY SHOU What are the chances at that happening, eh? Have I ever committed a crime? No, but I could murder a kebab! When Brucie does that "I'm not doddery" thing, I'm quite often tempted.
Is it a crime to stand up against poverty? ls it a crime to tight climate change? What about stealing a Wagon Wheel? With the big day almost upon them, Katie and Michael are now having a disagreement over the seating plan.
My dear, this is absolute madness.
You simply can't have your very dear friend, Duncan from Blue, sitting between my very dear friend, Sir Michael Caine and his very dear wile, Shakira Caine.
Yeah.
All right.
That would mean that my very dear friend, John Cleese, would be perched at the end next to your very dear friend, Dane from Another Level.
Whatever.
And what's this here? My very dear friend, Liz Taylor Welcome to the final pan of our two hour special - Derren Brown Steals The Nose Of A Child.
There are no mirrors, no actors, no stooges, no clever editing.
Just me, this empty, secure warehouse, one rather nervous child, Robin.
Hello.
Robin was selected from 500 volunteers in the process that you saw during episodes one to eight.
Robin is a normal child with a non-detachable nose.
Robin is nasal-intacta.
Robin, you're looking slightly nervous.
You should be, I am about to steal your nose.
Two years of preparation.
Hundreds of hours of filming.
12 episodes leading to this, the big moment, where I am about to steal your nose, the moment where it all comes together or lend up looking a bit of an idiot.
Here goes.
I'm about to steal your nose.
That is it! I have your nose.
THAT is your nose.
Well, done.
II you want to know how we did that just go to go to our website or ask your granddad.
I'll be back soon with a new 12-part series in which I will remove my own thumb and then reattach it causing no physical harm to my actual body.
In Derren Brown's Thumb Trick.
Until then, thank you very much indeed.
First floor.
Floor tour, please.
LIFT CREAKS AND RATTLES on, God.
Just press the alarm.
ALARM RINGS Hope no-one needs the loo.
I'm not good in lifts.
II we just stay calm, then we'll be tine.
Take slow, deep breaths you'll be all right.
PANTING Slower than that though.
That's not me.
Gosh.
We're stuck.
Wow, this is crazy! I think you just need to calm down a bit.
Yes, everybody calm down! Gosh! All of us strangers stuck in a lift! SHE PANTS Crazy! Mad! Please do not swear! Oh, god! Shes taking up all our oxygen! Help! Help! Steven Gerrard, not like you to be involved in a scuffle.
What happened? MUMBLING: You know, it was nothing, I left me leg in there a little bit long, the lad's gone down.
He's got the hump, words were said.
But I've just seen him in the corridor, everything's tine.
That's good to hear.
Any thoughts on whats causing, the decline of the bee population? It seems likely it's probably some sort of mite infesting the bees.
But you know there are all sons of other things going on, you know, decline of wild flowers, destruction of the hedgerows, it all adds up.
But, I don'! want to be too negative, there's a good chance it's pan of the natural cycle.
Thank you, Stevie.
Yeah, thanks.
Later on, we'll be finding out how blancmange can kill and after one Watchdog viewer's house burned down when he innocently poured petrol on his carpet and set light to it, we'll be angrily blaming the managing director of petrol.
But first this "The blizzard blew in ice from the north, âbut Jessica and the Lieutenant seemed unaware.
âThey only had eyes for each other.
âHungry, lustful eyes.
"She threw herself into the soldier's arms, giving herself to him, utterly.
"He tore off her parker and threw her down onto the bed of pure white snow.
âIt was freezing cold, but the weather was doing nothing to dampen their passions.
"It was however almost certainly playing havoc with her clematis.
The trick here is to create a wall out at leaves or straw, âperhaps trapped between two sheets at chicken wire.
"Covering your climbing plants with one of these at night âshould protect you from the worst ravages of the frost.
âThen they went at it like rabbits.
â True story.
Oh, hello.
I did try to calm them down, but they got a little bit over excited.
Wow, real live firemen.
Brilliant! Utterly brilliant! Phwoar! With the seating plan now sorted, Katie and Michael turn to the tricky problem oi the catering.
You're not listening.
This is my big clay.
I mean you only get married a dozen or so times.
But darling, Claridges won't budge on this, they simply will not serve Bacardi Breezers.
Or McNuggets.
But I want them! I want them! Calm down, dear! That's it.
The weddings off.
I'm going to find another husband.
I suppose, I was warned.
Police! Come quick! There's a pub brawl going on! A man's getting attacked! It's horrible! Where? On the corner of Goldthorpe Road and Harling Street, where that new house is! You know the green one.
Of course it's not actually green, that's just the colour you go when you hear the price.
âEcoâ they call it.
âEcoâ! Echo more like, big stupid great empty thing.
It runs on solar power.
Solar power! In England? Don't make me laugh.
You want drizzle power.
You want dreary power.
Muggy power.
Anyway.
What? Oh, him.
Oh, don'! worry about him.
They've probably killed him.
Anyway, I was in Greggs the other day buying a vanilla slice Have you not seen any of my TV shows? I once jacked a Kit Kat from the corner shop.
I cried when they caught me.
They let me off.
That was yesterday.
I once bit off a man's ear in a cage fight.
What the hell?! It's manure.
Someone's dropped a pile of manure in our drive.
Who on earth would do that? STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE It was me! I'm Bruno Tonioli, I'm a little bit cheeky.
What kind of person drop a big pile of moo cow number two poo-poo over a stranger's driveway? Cheeky Bruno does.
I'm such a little devil.
Smacky botty, boom boom! Ooh, I'm the cheekiest little Bruno in the whole, wide world and nobody can stop me! How do you like those cheeky onions? Cheeky enough for you? Ooh! Poo! I'm getting out of the place, it pen and ink's around here.
Hello, Ken.
Patricia.
I didn't think you were going to come.
It's been years, Ken.
Years! I used to dream about you every night.
Yeah? Well, I used to only need one seat on the bus Things change.
So what do you want? I want you back, Pat Harris.
Pat Evans.
You're married? I was.
Roy Evans.
He died.
Before that I was married to Frank Butcher.
He died.
Before that, Brian Wicks.
He's dead.
Before that I was married to Pele Beale.
He's brown bread n'all.
Yeah, well, maybe we won't get married then.
I want you to come back to Weatheflield with me, Pat.
I'm ready to tell the world that you were my secret girlfriend number 38.
No! They must never find out! People wouldn't understand.
People like us aren't meant to mix.
We're like Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Dr Who and that Dalek he knocked up.
What we had, it was just one night of madness in a coach on the M1.
And then on the M6 And then on the M62.
Crikey, I had some stamina in those days.
Goodbye, Ken.
Pat, is there nothing I can say to make you slay.
Nothing.
Nothing I cangive you? You haven't?! I remembered, Pat.
I've always been a sucker for a small pair of earrings.
All right, Ken.
I'll come back with you to Weatherlield.
But, Ken Yes, Pat.
Let's take the coach.
Stevie, looked like you pulled up with a hamstring.
ls that why the gaffer took you oft? Yeah, but it's just a tweak, like.
Some ice on it.
Should be tine by Tuesday.
I'm sure there'll be a lot of tans very relieved to hear that.
And do you think Meryl Streep's been unfairly overlooked for an Oscar in the last 30 years? Erm, I don'! really think so, no.
I think she's a very showy actress.
The accents are spot on but, erm, where's the emotion in what she does? She's always reliable so I'm happy to see her nominated but, erm, maybe go elsewhere for the top prize this time round.
Thank you tor that, Stevie.
Right, thanks, yeah.
OMLG! White goods! Find Lady Gaga an assistant.
Right away, m'lady.
Garcon! Do you have this in a size eight? The hoover? Yeah, or a six, maybe they come up bigger? It's a hoover.
We've got one that does pet hair? What's the biggest one of these you have? That'll be the Frostmaster, 8.
4 cubic feel of energy storage with integral icemaker and reversible doors for Shh.
What colours do you have? I think we've got black or red in stock but we could order you No.
Lady Gaga will try that one.
Where's your titling room? This is Curry's.
I'll find it myself.
She is fabulous at accessorizing.
CREAKING AND SAWING DRILLING AND BANGING Lady Gaga wonders it this would be better in red.
No.
The ensemble is to die for, m'lady.
In that case, Lady Gaga will take the whole outfit.
And now the weather with Ruben Peston.
Well, it you thought today was bad, just wait until tomorrow, because all this thick cloud and heavy snow are really just the tip at the iceberg.
Yesit's an actual iceberg.
Frightening, isn't it? Of course no-one can say for certain if it's going to hit us.
But it's definitely going to hit us.
Frightening, isn't it? Conservative estimates say that I'm talking rubbish and everything's going to be tine, but my sources tell me that, by Wednesday, Scotland will simply snap oft and sink into the sea.
Sobering stuff.
For those oi us who survive, Thursday will show slight recovery in the weather just before the meteorite hits us.
And, yes, it's a big one.
So, in summary we're all going to die.
Frightening, isn't it? So, it's good night from me And you may as well let the bed bugs bite.
I've done some research and it's a battle we just can't win.
Sobering thought.
Extraordinary day! Later on, we'll be investigating why the stuffing in soft toys can kill it you take it and jab it down your own throat with a knife.
And, as one Watchdog viewer goes blind after poking his own eyes out, we'll be demanding answers from the managing director of eyes.
But first, this Don't you believe it - little old me's got my own workout DVD! My very own workout DVD! Walk last, walk last.
Little skip, little skip.
Walk back, walk back, vibrating oi the hair.
And what's the story of the cellophane in which they wrap a DVD in? This is a mini workout trying to get the cellophane oft the DVD.
Walk back, walk back.
irritate, annoy.
Walk back, walk back.
Observe, annoy.
These days you don'! even need to walk to the shops to buy your workout DVD.
Simply order it online, sitting on your sofa, eating chips and gravy.
What is going on there?! Oh, yes! I'm really getting into it now! Here in my favourite city of all lt's Scunthorpe! Thing about an exercise DVD, it you're really out of shape, you can put your back out pulling the DVD into the DVD machine.
Little skip, little skip.
Walk this way, walk this way.
Walk back, walk back.
irritate, annoy.
Walk back, walk back.
Observe, annoy.
Available now in stores.
Here's your problem, someone's put sugar in your petrol tank.
Sugar in the petrol tank? But who'd do something like that? STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE It was me! Bruno Tonioli, I'm a little bit cheeky.
Smacky botty, boom, boom! Sugar, sugar, brum, brum! l am the cheekiest boy in the whole world, and nobody can stop me.
Ooooh! Cheryl Cole has come to Bethnal Green records office to trace her ancestors.
Well, the family did originally come from this area.
Here you can see we've got your great, great grandmother, Elspeth Tweedy.
Aw, great! "Rag" Rag Sorter.
Living at No, it was part of the Old Nichol slum.
It's long since been pulled down.
Oh.
So where does she live now? Well, she doesn't.
What? She's homeless? Oh, the poor love.
She's dead.
Dead? When? She was 86.
If we go back further, there are more surprises.
Blue blood, in fact.
Sir Philip Tweedy.
In 1653, he signed up as a musketeer in Cromwell's New Model Army.
Right.
So, what does he do now? Well, nothing.
He's dead.
Not him as well! He'd be 380 years old.
He'd have so many stories to tell! Cheryl carries on the search in Tetbury.
These land deeds are from 716 AD and belong to my earliest traceable ancestor, Ceolwald, loyal to Aethelred of Mercia, grandson of Penda.
Let's see it he's in.
Nooooooo! SHE SOBS Why? Why? Why? Why? This is a horrible programme.
Moan.
Whinge.
Moan.
Whinge.
Moan, moan, moan, whinge, whinge, whinge.
More moaning.
More whinging.
That's Watchdog.
Can we have our next contender, please.
And your name is? Ian Hislop.
Your occupation? Sarcastic smarty pants.
And your chosen specialist subject? Um, everything.
Very well, Ian Hislop.
Two minutes on Um Everything.
Your time starts now.
What was the name at Oh, yes, this is about the Government.
Apparently they think they can do whatever they like and we wont notice.
Just because they're our elected representatives, there's no reason why they should listen to what we want at all.
Hmm.
No, what is the name lt's not about the Government.
It's about bankers.
Not actually rhyming slang.
Apparently, even though their incompetence brought the country to its knees, they think they're entitled to take huge bonuses out at the money we paid them to bail them out.
No, what is the name of the No, it's not about bankers, is it? It's about lawyers or Jeffrey Archer Mmmm.
Something smells putrid.
Thank you, Tim Burton's life partner.
How was your clay, Tim Burton's Tim Burton? Gloomy.
Mine too.
Most excellent.
Happiness is so fleeting and, you know, over-rated.
I love your bleak outlook, my dark-ling.
We're like two rotten peas in a miserable black pod.
How long until dinner? Take a seat at Tim Burton's table.
It'll be ready in a Sweeny Todd.
Yum yums! So what are we having for starters? That is Tim Burton's starter.
It is? lt's a plate of emptiness - you know, empty, like my soul.
Oh, scrumptious! Would you care for some wine? Red? Of course.
Yum.
Delicious.
But it's empty.
It is empty, yes.
Like my soul.
Hang on a minute.
Isn't that a bit samey? lt's Tim Burton samey.
Which is why I love it! Cheers.
Oh, Timmy-Wimmy, you are so gently depressing.
I could never love another.
And prey, what is this masterpiece? My latest creation - Tim Burton's spaghetti.
It sounds amazing.
But what makes it Tim Burton's spaghetti, Hunny-Wun? Well, if you will, it's a re-imagining of the classic food except with a slightly darker sauce.
And of course it's got Johnny Depp in it.
Hello, Belle.
Perfect! How did we ever find each other?! I so hate a happy ending.
Va.
Me too.
And is clearly not an amoral money grabbing parasite at all.
No Piers Morgan? What a charming fellow, obviously.
I'm sorry, you're out of time.
The correct answer was, in tact, the Ninky Nonk Which means the winner is Paul Merton, same as always.
And now an appeal.
Hello.
I'm Joanna Lumley.
Lovely, scrumptious Joanna Lumley.
If I were some kind of dessert, I'd be a big chocolate eclair, just oozing cream and elegance.
You may remember I recently led the Gurkhas to victory got East 1? back together, and then swam the Channel whilst pulling a fridge with my teeth.
Well, now I've turned my BAFTA winning good looks to a new plight.
Times have been hard for all of us recently, but one group has been hit particularly hard.
Of course, I'm talking about estate agents.
Meet Lee, Lee and Lee.
Lee will be lucky if he earns 10,000 this year and most of that will go on hair product.
After Lee's finished buying styling clay, fixing spray and pomade, there's hardly anything let! For the baby.
And Lee has got so desperate, he's started making his own mousse out of toothpaste and peat.
Yuck.
Can't you help these awful, awful men? I'm Joanna Lumley.
Help me help you help these people now, or I'll set my Gurkha on you.
Not technically a crime, but I did once single-handedly cause a global economic meltdown.
I jay-walked on real jays.
I love your darkness.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I have started a few tights.
Fight! âHey diddle diddle,â it says here, not my choice of words, âThe cat and the fiddle,â which is an argument wailing to happen.
I mean, the strings are made of ca! guts, I can't see the ca! taking that lying down.
Then something about a cow that jumps over the moon, which would never happen.
Couldn't clear a two foot fence.
âAnd the little dog laughedâ, although I tail to see what at.
I've had funnier infections, honest to God.
And how do they wrap up this rubbish? A dish elopes with some cutlery.
Well, ha-ha, I must say.
We're back next week with Cinderella, the story of a whining teenager who disobeys her family and sneaks out to a party.
Young people today - it's a disgrace.
Any chance of a cup of tea round here, by the way? Me stomach thinks me throat's been cut.
Come on, get your finger out.
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)