The Lake (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

Uh, you look like a penis.
It's my new dry conditioner.
A big, giant water penis.
Shut up! Billie's room ready?
- Cleared a path.
- All right. It's gotta be perfect,
- 'cause I haven't seen her since
- Since Christmas.
You know, you got all
week to catch up with her.
- Uh-huh.
- Which means
What are you doing?
No! What?
Riley!
Which means I get to
have all my ways with you
- before she gets here.
- No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop.
No, it needs to stay on for
at least eight hours, please.
Okay.
That means this gets to come off
for at least eight minutes.
Can I at least keep the goggles on?
They really ground the look.
Get over here, dickhead.
Hey, boys!
Mind if I drop a line?
Fish are real snappy here.
Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Bert.
Go inside?
Um, I'm just gonna need a minute.
Yeah, you're gonna
need more than a minute.
It's gonna go down faster if you let go.
No, this is a hostage situation.
Marry me?
Riley, we've been dating
for what, like, a year?
We can do it this weekend.
Come on, it'd be perfect.
Yeah, like, perfectly insane.
Riley, I've I've
been married, remember?
- Just to stay in the country.
- And sex.
And a really great apartment.
Think about it, all
right? Billie's here.
Look, I know you lost
your place on the lake,
but you can build a
new one here with me.
A tool belt and a proposal
does not make you a lesbian.
A guy can dream.
I don't even know your middle name.
Blair.
Oh, my God, you are a lesbian.
This is crazy.
When has that ever stopped you?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
- Okay? Yeah, do you?
I do.
Right on, boys! Get some!
Yeah, I'll take that over here.
I'm only here for a week, Mom.
Yes, but you wanna be fresh
for when you start your internship.
Yeah, but I'm just
gonna be answering phones
and updating socials, you know?
Don't undersell yourself.
It was a very competitive job to get.
Billie?
Billie?
Okay, love you Mom, bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Your kicks are way too
fresh to be a tree planter.
Oh, I'm just visiting
family for the week.
Shit. I needed a place to hide from
all the acoustic guitar this summer.
Oh, a lot of "Wonderwall," huh?
Uh, kombucha?
I brewed it myself.
Yeah, sure.
Why not?
You know, my mom says
that good gut flora
is a better predicator of
future income than grades.
- No shit.
- Well, I mean, a little shit.
Well, I am Forrest. Two "R" s.
Oh, Billie. Uh, two "L" s.
How do I look? Cute?
- Too needy?
- No, you look good.
- All right?
- Okay.
Here she is. Billie!
Text me.
- Will do.
- Okay.
Hi!
- Hi.
- Hi.
I see you're making new friends.
- Hi, Riley.
- Hi.
- Let me grab these for you.
- Thanks.
So, what's with all the dirty hippies?
They're tree planters, Justin.
Oh, even worse.
Stay upwind. Patchouli
will give you bacne.
Bye.
Hi. I'm still here.
- Hi.
- Another hug?
Yes.
- I missed you like stupid.
- Me too.
Why do you smell like moonshine?
That's kombucha. It's home brew.
It's good!
The hippies got to you.
Just a bit.
Seven-layer lasagna? Is
that really necessary?
I thought we'd discussed
the menu for tonight.
Classic with a twist.
Nana thinks hot dogs with
chorizo and glazed pears
- is trying too hard.
- Well, your mother thinks
That her mother knows
that street meats taste best drunk
behind CBGB's after 4:00 a.m.
I have news
that's gonna sweeten
that sour puss of yours.
I was just speaking to Killian.
- Killian called?
- Mmm. On your phone, yes.
Why didn't you hand it to me?
'Cause I'm not your roadie,
and I was dying to
know if he took the job.
Killian's lifeguarding this summer.
- He has a job.
- Well, a friend of mine
who I used to life
model with at the Vatican
owns an agency in Hong Kong.
And after I posted a picture of Killian,
she reached out.
Our boy, a model?
It only makes sense.
Killian's leaving China next week.
We can't impose on your family any more.
I mean, I'm sure
they'd love to have him.
Be back for school.
Think of the doors that
modelling would open for Killian.
Acting, music,
a sexy rebound with the
Chairman of the Party.
My sister would never let that happen.
I think I need more coffee.
Children need dysfunction to
turn into interesting adults!
Maisers?
Or they end up with hobbies.
Is breakfast wine the best
way to deal with your mom?
Oh, I just need the bottle.
Oops! Clumsy me.
It's accidental manslaughter
if she trips on it.
The blood thinners will do the rest.
Sorry, Maisers.
Can't let you kill your mom.
You see? This is what she does.
She wraps you around
her jabby little fingers
and then skips off to Zipolite.
She already has her claws in our kids.
- I need you on my side!
- I am on your side.
She answers my phone.
She batiked my French linens.
She turned the bunkie into an ashram!
We need our own place.
Look, babe, all the places you liked
are over our budget, I'm retired,
and you lost the home reno account.
Besides, your mom isn't that bad,
and the kids love this place.
Why isn't Killian coming home?
Because he has a duty to
share the face, body, and hair
I gave him with the world.
Maisy-May, do you
have any Turkish beans?
- Yours are limp.
- Oh, here I go.
No!
- Uh, home sweet
- Homicide.
Wow, I like what you've
done with the place, Rile.
Yeah, it's still a work in progress.
Sorry about the mess.
I'm workin' on a new
roadkill investigation series.
He uses the living room
'cause the light's better,
but these little cuties, they
really come to life in the dark.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, 'cause someone's afraid to pee at night.
They watch.
So this dinner thing at Maisy's
I know. She blackmailed us
into coming for moral support
because her mom's staying
with her for the week
until Killian gets
back from China, so
You're safe. It's just Maisy, Victor,
Opal, and the evil stepmonster.
Already finishing each
other's sentences. Adorable!
Are you bummed that
Killian won't be there?
Nah. That boy's last year's news.
Ooh.
- So
- Mm-hmm.
what's Mimsy like?
A narcissistic,
manipulative Messy Poppins.
How come Wayne and Jayne aren't coming?
Uh,
yeah, Maisy's been avoiding Jayner
since she declared
for Boathouse prezzie.
- And the Quads?
- Wayne and Jayne
are sharing custody since the split.
Yeah, it's Wayne's weekend,
so they're probably moving
their beds to the other
side of the cottage.
I'm here!
Hey.
Whoo!
Ready for our weekend, girls?
- Daddy, line!
- Right.
Mom will freak if you go
on her side before five.
You know, it is my cottage too.
Do you think this is easy for us?
Look at Olive.
- She seems fine.
- She gave up weed.
My sweet baby girl!
- Daddy! Line!
- Yeah.
Why's your mom so mad?
I gave her everything she wanted.
Except the cottage.
And you traded her boat
for that stupid seaplane.
Which you can't even fly.
Anyway, don't even
worry about it, girls.
By the end of the
summer, me and your mom,
we're gonna be back together.
It's a Wayne Moore guarantee.
Not if you keep day
drinking in cargo shorts.
The whole point of breaking up
is to show your ex how
much hotter you got.
- Mom's blowing up on Hinge.
- And Tinder.
- Bumble.
- Plenty of Fish.
- Coffee and a Bagel.
- Snack.
I'm hungry.
Thank you for having us, Mimsy.
Happy to have you anytime.
Can't believe you reopened
Granny's Muskoka room.
Well, we finally found
the source of that smell.
- Oh, my God, what was it?
- Your granny.
Now, no sniping. We're celebrating.
Everyone together
around the table again.
If only your father were here to see it.
He did love corn.
Derrick lost so much sleep
over your beautiful Billie
being raised by
strangers or homosexuals.
He'd be thrilled to see
how perfectly ordinary you turned out.
Actually,
Billie has some of the
top marks in the province.
And, Riley, drumroll please
just got an internship
with the National Climate Institute,
where she will be saving
the planet this summer,
because your generation has used it as
a disposable snot rag for decades.
- Okay, also yours.
- Little bit less.
Well, now I know that I have
three extraordinary grandchildren.
Congratulations, Billie.
Congratulations.
I'm proud of you.
Uh,
I would also like to
make a family toast,
seeing as I'll be joining it soon.
I asked Justin to marry me,
and he said yes.
- Congratulations! That's
- Congrats.
- Wow! Wow, wow, wow.
- That's great.
I did, I said yes.
Have you set a date yet?
- Yeah, we were thinking
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow.
We know that's fast.
It's fast, but Riley hates fuss,
Billie's only in town for a week.
We were just thinking,
like, "You know what?
To hell with it, let's just
throw caution to the wind.
- Let's do it."
- Yeah, then you can just
forget about the shitty
DJs and the horrible food,
and the you know, the gift bullshit.
Although we wouldn't
say no to a Vitamix.
Well, where are you getting married?
I've eloped three times,
and venue is everything.
We were hoping the Boathouse?
My great-grandfather was one
of the original carpenters,
but it's booked.
So we were actually kind of
hoping to maybe do it here.
You know, like my parents did?
You can't consecrate your love on land
steeped in your parents' sexual ennui.
Maisy can get you the Boathouse.
Her best friend, Janine, is VP.
- Jayne and I aren't really
- Do you have a wedding planner?
Oh. Uh, well, we were just
gonna ask Ulrika to officiate.
I can work with that.
I need everyone at the Boathouse by ten.
Check your inbox in the
morning for your assignments.
Where did the earpiece come from?
You guys are getting hitched tomorrow,
that means bachelor party tonight.
Oh, Riley and Justin can't see
each other before the wedding,
it's bad luck, so I
can throw a bachelorette
- for Justin at the cabin.
- Thank you.
A toast. To the grooms.
May your life together
be as happy as the one leaving me.
- Leaving you?
- I'm dying.
I was gonna wait to tell you,
but then Justin and Riley's
desperate cry for attention
inspired my own.
To the grooms!
I mean, she could've waited.
She's still gonna be
dying after the wedding.
Are you sure about this, though?
'Cause it's really fast, Justin.
Billie, if you'd seen him propose.
He was like this
big, wet puppy.
Yeah, but you get a
puppy. You don't marry one.
Listen.
I lost a lot of time
being away from the people that I love,
and I don't wanna make
that mistake again.
I love Riley.
And Riley loves me. And
I know that it's fast,
but if I was a
36-year-old divorced woman
with a biological clock
screaming "Tick, tock,"
then nobody would bat an eye.
I've got everything
that I've always wanted.
Except a father to
walk me down the aisle.
You asking me to be your dad
- or walk you down the aisle?
- Oh, you don't have to choose.
You just gotta find
me something to wear.
Hey, girlies.
Now, it is not a bachelorette
without skinny margaritas.
No, it is not.
Good news! I was able to bump
Whoreen's canasta tournament
to get you the Boathouse tomorrow!
Are you serious?
Bad news, couldn't find a stripper,
so Saggy B is hoistin' 'em up,
and we are not gonna
want to remember that.
So, strap in,
and tell me where I can plug 'er in.
Where's the Reposado?
Regurgeado behind the Murder Cabin.
Oh, looks like the bachelorette
party was a success.
Just gotta push through the pain.
How's the hunt for a new cottage?
We're still looking,
but I am chatting with
Clementine Farnsworth.
Ooh! She was Brenda Butt
when we got our license,
but Clementine can ask for 7%.
If you want an agent who
takes five, let me know.
Oh, discount.
Hey, Mimsy, can I count on your vote
for Boathouse president this year?
I would ask for yours, but, whoopsie,
you can't vote, so
- Need a hand there, Wayner?
- Nah.
All about perspective, bro.
Am I tangled in life's challenges?
Or do I sparkle with
a thousand tiny lights?
How you holdin' up, bud?
Well, I live in a plane I can't fly.
Uh, I don't have a shower
to drink in anymore.
But you can't live in the past.
Oh, hey, can I do some
laundry at your house again?
Jaynie's got the machines
tied up till Saturday,
and girls said I could use a glow-up.
Hey-o.
All right, my little griddle cakes.
This wedding's about to get lit.
Whoo!
- Hey, bud.
- Hey.
- Ready?
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
That's okay. That's okay!
We'll tell them it was too fast,
and we'll go home and talk,
and Riley will understand.
I did that thing: I made
this whole week about myself.
This was supposed to be your week.
I made it all about me.
Oh, well,
unfortunately, there's no cure
for Main Character Syndrome.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I wanna hear
all about your new job,
I wanna hear about that
cute boy from the bus,
and I wanna hear about you.
Okay. Come on.
Let me give your ass away.
We gather here under the
loving eye of Mother Frigg
to join these beautiful
gays in marriage.
We ask Baldur, god of all ass rascals,
to bless their coffers with
gold and their staffs with semen.
Bring me the rings.
Riley, you may speak your vows.
Justin Lovejoy.
I cannot wait to share
all that I have with you.
And cherish
all that is yours.
Justin? The ring?
Uh
- The rings?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
Riley
I, um
It's it's a little hot.
Just a little hot in here.
I, uh
I can't.
I can't!
- Where are you?
- Lovejoy!
Where are you?
Come back!
Justin!
Everyone clear of the Boathouse?
We can't find Nana.
I'm here, babykins.
Dear God.
What kind of ding-dong brings
fireworks into the Boathouse?
I told him to take them outside.
Justin
What have you done?
Hey, guys. Guys, the
Boathouse is on fire.
We know. The fire department's there.
Oh.
- They're all gone.
- Oh, my God!
Everyone's safe, but
Riley's RKI collection died in the fire.
Well, you know, technically,
I mean, they were already
kind of dead, but
Right. I know.
Not all are gone.
You could've said no.
I wanted to marry you.
I wanna marry you.
You could've just said no.
Billie can stay here,
but I want you to go.
I don't wanna see you in the morning.
Justin, what happened?
I don't know!
I don't know. Everything was perfect,
and then I just, like, blacked out,
and then I woke up
running in the forest.
I'm such an idiot.
No, it's gonna be okay.
First, we need to find
a place to sleep, yeah?
You can stay here with Riley.
Ulrika's next door. I can
just camp out in her yurt.
Oh, I wouldn't count on that.
I don't know, I guess I can, um
guess I can ask Maisy.
On the bright side,
I won't be in the bedroom next
to you on your wedding night.
I'm such an idiot.
No, we'll figure it out, okay?
We'll figure it out.
Are we gonna talk about your mom dying?
She's not dying.
Usually you blow past
denial right into anger.
Maybe Wayner was right.
Can't get stuck in the past.
Who was that?
Sorry. Need to replenish.
The smoke desiccated my vocal cords.
- Good night, sweetie.
- Love you, bud.
Hon, do you have
any coconut kefir?
It's okay.
I'll make do with goat.
I don't care how much it costs,
we cannot spend another minute here.
No.
Damn raccoons are back.
There's the anger. Let it out!
I may not be able to chase
my mom from my cottage,
but I can chase raccoons from my porch.
What do you think about
"kefir" as a safe word?
I have nowhere else to
sleep, and everyone hates me.
Mmm. You surprised?
Your Runaway Bride reboot
set the Boathouse on fire.
Just do it.
Be a hero.
Can't say that I haven't
fantasized about it,
but sleeping on my mom's
pullout really kills the buzz.
It's not gonna be your
mom's for much longer.
Cottage is gonna be
yours once Mimsy goes.
Maisy wins.
Again.
She's had cancer before.
Facial dysphasia, phantom rosacea.
Isn't that how she got
spider Botox through customs?
She couldn't talk for
six weeks. It was heaven.
Yeah.
Unless she really is sick.
Then her timing is perfect.
Killian is about to
start his senior year.
I need a vegan celebrity for
the Impossible Burger collab.
Opal is interviewing at La Scala.
You gotta hand it to Dad
for just dropping dead
- the way he did.
- He's not your dad.
Sorry.
Listen, Maisy,
I wasn't around for Dad's
"Come to PFLAG" moment, but
this might be your last chance
to scratch under your mom's lizard skin.
See if there's a human under there.
Or another lizard.
She found Killian a job, but
she now has time for Opal?
She invited you to dinner?
She's not sick. She's got an angle.
I just have to figure out what.
What are you gonna do now that
you set fire to everyone's summer?
Gonna fix it.
I am. I'm gonna fix it.
I am not gonna leave the lake
until I give Riley the
happy ending he deserves.
The other one.
Oh.
Dealer's choice.
Do we hug? We don't hug.