The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e01 Episode Script
The Breakdown
[Hank.]
Now, that sign says, "Applesauce.
" No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray? Do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Applause.]
All right.
Remember, you're all A big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
This gentleman is Giving me this sign, And it says, "we're on In 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
" Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? [Man.]
In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [Music playing.]
live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests michael jeter, sandra bernhard, marky mark, and me, "hey, now!" hank kingsley.
and now, because it's a condition of his probation, larry sanders! [Applause.]
[Applause continues.]
Good crowd.
Thank you, hank.
[Larry.]
Welcome.
Today president clinton Announced another new plan To end the deficit.
He said For a million dollars, He'd let robert redford Sleep with hillary.
[Audience laughs.]
If robert redford Has to pay A million dollars To get laid Do i need to finish This thought? Imagine what hank Must have to pay.
[Applause.]
Jeannie, what makes you think We can't work it out? Come back from chicago And we'll talk-- Self-involved? No, i am not watching My show right now.
I'm watching bonanza.
That is not hank.
That is hoss.
You know, We both fucked up.
I am not going to tell you The ways i fucked up.
I might go into some areas You never considered.
Ok, go ahead.
You tell me.
Go ahead.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Uh-huh.
[Television.]
we'll be right back.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Look.
Hey, that is more Of a quirk, don't you think? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
That, again, is a quirk, Don't you think? Hey, where's artie? He's coming.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You mentioned That one last night.
All right.
Ok.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
UhBye.
All this woman does is Berate me, i swear to god.
Why do you Put her through? Larry, You called her.
Oh, that's right.
Do i have Trouble prioritizing Emotional commitments? Oh, please, Don't ask me.
I haven't had A healthy relationship Since junior high.
Oh.
Wow.
Well, let's stick To me today.
Did you see this article About letterman? Listen.
I want to Read you a little something.
Beverly, listen to this.
"Letterman's new time slot" Blah, blah, blah.
"Domino effect in late--" Ah, here it is.
"Analysts say, On a household basis, "Leno will be ahead, But letterman will pull in A younger audience.
" A younger audience.
[Muttering.]
Just what i need-- Someone taking more Of the younger audience.
[Door opens.]
Jesus! Are you laying In your own puke? Do you have The trades? What? The reporter? variety? Oh, i don't know.
You need a hot towel? I don't need a hot towel.
I really want to See the trades.
We have an excellent Show tonight-- Supermodel kathy ireland And two mystery guests.
Who are they? It's a mystery.
They don't need to be A mystery to me, artie.
I'm the host.
What do you care? They'll be great.
Is it in the trades About my divorce? I haven't read The trades yet.
I'm not going to the bathroom For two hours.
Let me see them.
What? The trades.
Can't.
Why? Can't.
Why? Oh! The emmy nominations Came out today.
Don't tell me.
Bastards.
Shit.
I thought sure With johnny gone, We'd receive A nomination.
I don't need to see this.
I'll tell you who Got nominated.
Letterman, saturday night live, And i'll bet you Billy crystal Hosting The academy awards.
Am i right? What's the other one? a jackie mason hanukkah, artie? Cable shows should be A different category.
We're slipping.
Absolutely not.
I'm not blaming you.
I spent four months On the telephone Talking to my wife, Trying to save My marriage.
What are you doing? You ok? I'm fine.
Sit down.
You're frightening me.
Listen, i feel for you, boy.
Marriages take you Through the old ringer.
Thank you.
Believe me, i know.
Thank you.
I really tried This time, artie.
Well, walk it off.
Walk it off? Cancel.
Move on.
Why don't i just Put ice on it? It's a marriage, For god's sakes! [Chuckling.]
Know what i need to do? I need to focus On this fucking show.
I could use a hot towel.
Do you have one? Yeah.
[Knock on door.]
Kathy ireland is Trying on wardrobe.
Shouldn't you be Working on jokes? Kathy ireland is Trying on wardrobe.
Come on, Larry! Come on.
This will Do you good.
Supermodel, Costume changes, Fittings Anything Could happen.
[Both purring.]
Oh, as attractive As you make it sound.
Please, focus on the show! Yes.
Yes.
Focus.
Focus.
Now let's go focus On miss kathy ireland, A very important part Of tonight's show.
Beverly! [Sigh.]
Beverly.
Yes.
Would you please get Jeannie on the phone For me.
Uh-uh.
No.
Good.
Get me A hot towel.
What? A hot towel.
I need a hot towel.
Ok.
I'll check on it.
They're out there.
You don't need to check.
Artie was selling them Like there's no tomorrow.
They must be there, Or he wouldn't be in here Saying there's hot towels.
They must be out there Very close by.
There's hot towels Out there.
I could tell.
I-- i'm going crazy.
I hear jeannie crying In my head.
[Crying.]
Poor larry.
Yeah.
Who would have thought? I thought this time It would last forever.
Jeannie was Such a good person.
I thought you were talking About the emmy nominations.
Oh, screw her! She was always trying To drive a wedge Between larry and me.
One time,one time I was invited to larry's house While they were married.
Then you and larry Will probably spend More time together.
Well, i-- Well, no-- I'd assume.
Because, you know, Actually, During the interval Between francine and jeannie, We were very tight.
Really? We'd hit the bar At the bel air hotel, Work a little skirt.
I bet she's going to Be really sad, Even with All that money.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess this year, I'm going to get very, Very close to larry.
Jerry van dyke.
Fuck him.
Beverly! This towel Isn't even hot! [Knock on door.]
Hi, larry.
Oh, miss parrish.
Artie's not here.
I know.
I came to see you.
Oh.
Well, artie's Not here.
Larry, I just want you to know I read about the divorce.
Everybody at the network Is thinking about you.
Thanks.
That's nice.
Artie's not here.
I know.
Please, Don't get up.
We can discuss The phoenix problem Another time.
Phoenix? They're dropping you For chevy chase.
You're kidding.
Hard to believe, Isn't it? Take it easy.
Don't worry about that Or tulsa Or the emmys.
Just take it easy.
We can talk tomorrow Morning.
You know Artie wasn't here.
I know Where artie is.
I feel embarrassed Talking about My photos.
I have a new movie.
the last paisan.
I saw it twice.
It's not out yet.
I hear You're wonderful.
Yeah.
Here he is.
Kathy, larry sanders.
Pleasure To meet you.
[Artie.]
The pleasure, I'm sure, is mutual.
Yes, it's a pleasure Meeting you.
Have a good time On the show.
You'll be great.
Thanks.
What do you Think of my shoes? They're great.
Open-toed.
Mine are closed-toed-- I like All your shoes.
I need to talk To you.
Kathy, You're a delight.
Delight.
Those really are Great shoes.
Yeah.
I think you should Start dating right away.
That miss ireland Is not a bad place To start.
There'll be no dating.
Until we get this show On track, i have no dick.
No dick? Check.
Did you hear about The phoenix affiliate? We got dropped, yes.
How'd you find out? Melanie parrish was In my office last night.
Oh, shit.
How did she Get past security? I do not know.
Do you have last Night's ratings? The ratings last night Are not indicative Of the overall performance Of this show.
Okay, so we got killed.
Just give me the ratings.
Remember, koppel Had the buttafuocos.
Jesus, he's dipping Into the toilet.
I agree.
Why didn't we get The buttafuocos on? They turned us down.
Good.
They're not right For the show anyway.
I agree.
Fucking koppel Blurs the line.
My god, no, It's not right.
I'll wait for you In the office.
It's a little late To pretend you like jeannie.
Hey! What are you doing After the show? Wait.
I'm meeting Two lovely ladies At the bel air hotel.
There's two of them, One of me, so No pressure.
Who can afford A hair weave or a transplant? And for that matter, Who knows a baboon Who wants to give you His hair? The first baboon Liver transplants.
Very funny.
I don't think anybody Will remember that.
But that's-- ok, now, What is your name, sir? Hank kingsley.
That's going to Be hank.
If it's hank, Why isn't hank here? Hank has one line, And it's his name.
You think he can do that Without a rehearsal? Oh, please.
All right.
Ok.
All right.
Here we go.
Well, your solution Is here.
It's larry sanders' Hat in a can.
Isn't "cap in a can" Funnier? Cap in a can.
Ha! You're right! That's funnier.
Cap in a can! All right, artie.
Don't.
Come on.
Cap in a can.
[Chuckling.]
All right.
Then i spray it On his head? Now we Then we cut away, And then we cut back.
He is wearing The cap in a can hat.
Is this the hat We're using? This doesn't look like It comes from a can.
I understand how this part Could come from a can, But how would The brim know To come out of the can Before the rest of the hat? Are you Actually questioning The reality of this? If i don't, who will? I'm pissing in my pants, Conceptual flaw and all! May we move on, please? All right.
Don't we have Something else? Seriously.
Excuse me-- I'm sure That the writers Can cook up Something funny About your marital Disorders.
After all, That is what will be On every viewer's Mind.
How many do you have? [Artie.]
A couple.
He's been working On them since 1989.
Is it that obvious? [Beverly.]
Excuse me.
You can't do that.
I was going to Mention this later.
Jeannie's attorney Just messengered This over.
Jeannie has issued A court order "Restraining Larry sanders "Or anyone connected With the show "From making jokes, Remarks, Or public mention Of jeannie sanders.
" You're kidding.
Oh, shit.
I-- i recognize This stationery.
Who's jeannie's Attorney? Marvin.
Mitchelson! Oh, boy.
I won't even get The dog.
No, no.
Lee marvin Lost everything But the dog.
Arthur, your son Eddie called.
There's a problem.
What now? Arthur, he's been Arrested for [Whispering.]
Possession.
Call my lawyer.
I hope bail becomes Tax-deductible.
It should with that hippie In the white house.
Ow! Get some water! Get a towel! What are The ingredients Of this cap in a can? Listen to this.
And this is a direct Quote from letterman.
"I'm not the kind of person Who wants to see "Somebody else fail On television.
"Whatever the future holds, I'm in pretty good shape.
" Doc, you're a professional.
Is this guy on the level? [Knocking on door.]
Ahoy there, matey.
What the fuck are you doing? I figured if i wore a patch, Then it won't look odd That you have one on.
People will think it's a bit.
What kind of bit? Two guys with patches on.
Take it off.
Okay.
What's in the box? Oh.
Ow.
This? Yeah.
Larry.
Hmm.
Um, i'm okay.
I'm okay.
Um, we've been friends For a very long time.
It just breaks my heart what This woman is doing to you.
Yeah.
So I thought thismight help.
And this is from me to you.
Uh, she's almost housebroken.
I have a dog.
No? Oh, no, i heard-- Jeannie took the dog? No, jeannie didn't Take the dog.
Darlene must have Misunderstood.
Um, anyhow, in that case, Then i hope you will accept This little get-well gift.
Oh, thank you.
Read the inscription.
Go ahead, read it.
It says, "Have fun in vegas.
" I'm not going to vegas.
Yes, you are.
You and me, And barbara and cindy, Who claim they've Never been there before.
We are not-- Now you listen to me.
You just listen to me.
Larry? Larry, i've seen men Try to lose themselves In their work Like this before-- Redd foxx and dick shawn And regis philbin.
capisce? Yeah.
Stress kills.
You hear that? It kills.
But the best cure For stress is Blow jobs.
Bingo.
Listen to this, hank.
Did you see This letterman article? Listen to this.
"I'm looking forward"-- This is a quote From letterman.
"I'm looking forward To the competition.
That will make The show better.
" Look what Paul shaffer says.
"I don't care Where dave goes, As long as i go With him.
" What a little kiss-ass.
[Artie.]
No more tight shots Of larry, god damn it.
His eye is leaking Like niagara falls.
Stay wide.
Stay wide.
It's the revolutionary Cap in a can.
All right.
What is your name, sir? Bob stevens.
[Scattered laughter.]
Who's bob stevens? Bob stevens Is an ordinary, Everyday guy.
All right, bob.
Uh, bob.
Ready for Your new look? Yes, i am.
Here is your cap In a can.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Aw, jeez.
[Applause and laughter.]
Well This is really Going to sell.
Bob, i guess you're Pretty sold on this product.
Aren't you, bob? Bob? Hank? Yeah.
[Applause.]
Cap in a can.
My next guests Need no introduction.
Los lobos! * Meet me someplace That i won't know * * Heading down That whiskey * Hey! You're on, Really on! And cap in a can-- Hilarious.
Did you see hank? You can't buy those kind Of fuck-ups, larry.
You hear the audience? What do you want? How's that eye? I've forgotten All about it.
You like them? Like them? They do rock.
* On whiskey * * Trail * * Daddy drank his dinner From a paper sack * * Made it out the door And then never came back * * Headin' down * * That whiskey trail * * They say i'm a chip off A son of a gun * Let's book boy george.
His smack problems Are behind him.
Fine.
All i know is, I should be here.
This is where My priorities are.
Show biz.
* Everything about it Is appealing * I feel light-headed.
I'd dance with you.
You look pale.
Hey-- Do i look pale? Yeah.
* On whiskey trail * That's fine.
Thanks.
No, that's fine.
What's wrong? You ever feel like Somebody Grabbed you, When they Weren't there? No.
That was weird.
Artie, call a doctor.
You want The studio nurse? Call the doctor.
Is it your eye? It's my chest, Artie.
Is it right there? Yeah.
That's a heart attack.
* The engines wail * * Every night * * On whiskey * * Trail * We thank thee for Sparing the life Of larry sanders.
I first met larry In the spring of 1985.
My cruise liner Was moored Off the coast Of portugal.
Amen.
Hank? Yeah, buddy.
Hank? Ge the fuck off the bed.
I'd like a moment alone With beverly, please.
He wants a moment Alone with beverly.
Hank, i heard What he said.
Okay.
You're looking good, My lad.
Racquetball, Two weeks.
Jeannie's right.
My priorities are All screwed up.
Don't be so hard On yourself.
Look at me.
I can't end up Like this again.
This heart attack Is a warning.
It was A heart episode.
You know What i mean.
I'm 40 years old.
I haven't made One marriage work.
You're 42.
Don't push so hard.
Focus on What makes you happy.
You know what would Make me happy right now? What's that? The dog.
I want it.
Get the dog.
I don't know how To say this, But jeannie Stopped by-- She did? And she took the dog.
[Bell dings.]
[Button clicking.]
Well, good morning, Mr.
Full of life.
Good morning To you, hank.
Do you remember that, Uh, the private nurse You had? Miss ferguson? Yeah.
Sheila.
Uh, anyway, i got To talking to her, And, well, Let's just say, uh, She has a friend, You see, Yeah.
I know where This is going.
No.
Friend's also a nurse.
Nurse.
And she's equally Attractive.
And what do you say? Come on, you know.
Uh, 2 lovely nurses, A little dinner at The bel air hotel.
Before you know it, Your head turns sideways, You're coughing.
I'm just gonna Go fuck myself.
Hank, i'm sorry.
It's my first day back.
I'm a little on edge.
Ah, you see, That's stress.
[Sighs.]
i am fine.
Stress, stress.
I hate it, you know? Stress kills, You know? And-- and We all know, The best relief In the world For stress is-- Don't say it, hank.
Blowjobs.
Main floor, talk show.
Think about it.
Think about what? He wants to set me up.
Ah, forget about it.
Surprise! Larry sanders In the house.
Oh, my god, larry, You look so good.
Thanks, darlene.
Thank you.
We have monologue jokes About your heart attack.
Uh, it was not A heart attack.
It was a mild Heart episode, please.
A heart episode.
Is that anything like A designing women episode? Yes, in that-- In that they both Make you sick? Yes, and involve Fatty build-up.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hey, larry, Isn't your cholesterol Higher than your-- S.
A.
Ts.
He's back.
Get well cards.
How many? Way to go, lar.
Hey, well, Wait a minute.
Last year When i broke my leg, Didn't i get 9 pounds? Yes, but you've got Out there.
Well, all right.
Send them a nice Personally autographed Photo of me.
Oh, should i put "Best wishes" or "Thanks for caring"? Ah, your choice.
Beverly, please.
Oh, leave him be, Beverly.
Here's where you-- Artie, please.
Support.
Who's on the show? Ed harris, Luther vandross, And as far As i'm concerned, A cure for what Ails you-- Miss helen hunt.
Um, well, what can i say? We, uh, play newlyweds Living in manhattan, And, uh, he has a dog And i have a neurotic sister And we both have jobs And, somehow in there, mad about you.
And are you Having fun? Yes, having A very good time.
Good.
Well, If i may say, I think The viewing public Is watching Because they're Mad about you.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you very much.
[Applause.]
I personally think That most people Are mad about you.
[Applause.]
No.
Most-- Most, uh, most people Are mad at me.
[Laughter.]
So listen When exactly Is the show on? It's on 9:30 Saturday night.
It's a new time for us.
You know, we used to be On wednesdays after seinfeld.
So, uh, what Have you been doing In your spare time? Oh, god, i haven't Really had any spare time.
You know, They picked us up For 22 more shows And they could Add more to that On the back end.
Wow, if your back end Gets too big, You gotta get A stairmaster.
[Chuckles.]
So, um Well, let me see.
What i was gonna Ask you Is how's The new time slot Working out? Um, the ratings Are a little weaker But we have A much stronger share, Which is key, you know, About saturday nights.
Sure, sure.
How was your fish? It's a little dry.
Now, didn't somebody Tell me that you Went to hawaii? Is that right? Yeah.
The guy that did My pre-interview For your show? That's right, That's right.
Was there a funny Story about hawaii? 'Cause we didn't get to it On the air.
Yeah, actually.
A girlfriend and i Were snorkeling In the water, and-- Hey, why don't you Hold that thought, And, uh, I'll be right back.
Ok, see you In a minute.
No flipping.
You're a riot.
I am telling you, It was like an interview.
All she talked about Was show business, And all i did was Pretend to be interested.
All right.
I mean, Maybe just as well It didn't go anywhere.
What do you mean Just as well? I won't book her anymore.
I told you that Earlier.
Larry, larry, I'm talking to 2 girls Out there in the audience.
They drove in All the way from anaheim.
Now they're disney employees, They're waitresses.
Where at? Uh, the dumbo hilton-- The dumbo hyatt-- I don't know.
Anyway, do you think They wanna drive All the way Back there tonight? No, they do not.
I mean, after all, That is a 2-hour drive.
I think that's just To the monorail stop, Isn't it? So where do you think I told them they should Stay overnight? Oh, i don't know-- [Both.]
bel air hotel.
Larry, this is 8 ball In the corner pocket.
This is game over.
All we need are our cue sticks, It sounds like to me.
Hey, now.
You bring the chalk.
[Chuckles.]
Chalk? Think about it.
Did you get them all? I got them all.
You always get them all.
I shouldn't even ask.
** [Theme plays.]
Did you get them all? She got them all.
I just asked her.
She always gets them all.
Get ready to have A good time With dana delany.
[Hank.]
live on tape From hollywood, the larry sanders show.
Tonight [Laughter.]
Oh, you finished that? Yeah.
You know, i've Been known to have Wild palms myself.
[Hank.]
Hey, now.
Don't worry, They're not hairy.
Didn't want to say it.
All right.
Well, uh, What are you Working on now? Oh, i don't want to Talk about that.
Everybody talks about Show business in this town.
Bores me to death.
How was your fish? Um, a little dry.
Oh, really? Really? Yeah.
You know, i really Should get going.
Aren't you gonna Finish your dessert? No.
Um, i gotta Get up early tomorrow.
Oh, are you Working on something? Uh, no-- i'm not working.
I'm a morning person.
Oh.
How about you? No.
Well, you know, I host a late night Talk show, So i'm up late.
You shoot during The afternoons.
Yeah, But i'm so wired From watching it That i don't get To sleep Till like 3-- Let me get this.
Oh, no, let me-- Let me get that.
No, please, I had a great time.
I asked you.
I want to.
Well, do you want To go back to my house To watch ourselves On the show? Um, larry? I heard you had A stroke or something.
No, i did not.
I'm excellent.
Gosh, i thought I read somewhere That you had a stroke.
No, no.
I had a minor Heart episode.
I don't know, Maybe that's what They're talking about.
Oh, my god.
You seem so young To have that problem.
No, it is very common Among talk show hosts.
Regis philbin had Angioplasty recently.
Let me help you With that.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, larry I don't want you To take this personally Or anything-- 'Cause you're great, You are-- But, um, you're Just not my type.
Really? Oh.
What is your type? Well, it's not like I really have a type.
Oh.
It's just, you know, I just got out Of a relationship, And i'm not ready To get involved again.
Right.
Which one is it, Really? I know what you're doing, And i just Want you to stop.
Do what? There's a very fine line Between being a booker And a pimp.
Oh, thank you.
Look, This show Is the most Highly advanced Video dating service In the world.
Besides, left to Your own devices-- Ooh, you don't Pick winners.
You talk about it Like it's the track.
It is! It is not The track.
Jeannie Pulled up lame, And that crazy filly Francine Should have been shot In the infield.
I will ruin my life On my own, thank you.
Go ahead.
Excuse me.
Arthur, It's one of your sons.
Eddie? Steve.
Aw, shit.
Sheriff's station? No, emergency room.
Oh.
It's line 3.
Hey.
How was the date With miss china beach? It was more of a "Get to know you" thing Than a date, really.
Oh, i'm sorry.
Oh, well, What the hell.
What do you need With her? I mean, she's A pain in the ass.
Isn't she? Yeah.
Actresses.
I mean, they're all Pains in the ass, You know.
Aren't they? This is good.
This is-- This is funny.
Which one? Shoes.
That's all it says.
Shoes.
Yeah, i know.
That's great.
No joke in there.
Listen, um I think, uh, i know What you want.
Uh, i happen to know These, uh, 2 girls Who work at the gap, Katya and bree.
Uh, and, uh, They're very young, But, uh, bright.
And bree has Actually had some Community college.
Is that right? Yeah.
Wow.
Is that the hollywood gap Or the santa monica gap? Um, i don't-- I don't know.
Have you ever eaten At the st.
James club? No.
Never.
Well, actually, It's not a club, It's a hotel.
But we could have A night there.
Will you think About it? You know? I've decided to ruin My life on my own.
But will you just Think about it? I better ruin it On my own.
All right.
Larry.
I can't take Any more of these.
Get ready to have A very good time With teri garr.
[Sighs.]
Where's larry's Breath freshener? Oh, i'm sorry, i-- [Hank speaking In background.]
Teri garr.
She's-- she's cute.
She's funny, Isn't she? Larry, i'm sorry, I can't watch you Do this to yourself.
If you think dating A bunch of actresses Is gonna turn Your life around, We'll just have The cardiac ward Reserve a room for you Right now.
Yeah, you think? But he's a trained dog.
He does a trick When i, uh-- If i hold food In front of his face, And i ask him A question, Like, "is it a nice day?" And i go like this, He goes yes.
So it's kind of A trained dog And kind of, uh, Just a dog.
Well, you know, My grandfather Will do that.
Really? Yes.
You can go, "Grandpa, isn't it Cold outside?" Ha ha ha ha ha! And he nods, Even though It's 105 degrees.
Exactly what You're talking-- And the joke Is on grandpa.
Right.
Same with the dog.
[Sighs.]
We should Talk about this.
Uh, why don't we just Write it down? Yeah, that's A good idea.
Ok.
I don't know What words to use.
Um, how about "This was probably A mistake.
" Yeah, that's good.
And, um-- "It will never, Never happen again.
" Good.
And, "we-- I should never have A xanax and wine--" Oh, gosh, Me neither.
No.
Ok.
Is larry in yet? Mm-mmm.
I know he's been Dating a lot Of guests.
Don't you think It's only a matter Of time Before he works His way around To one of us? I don't know.
It's gonna happen.
Let's face facts.
And when it does, It's either gonna be You or me.
Right.
Like larry Would date a sister? I don't think so.
Beverly, fine morning.
Good morning.
Darlene.
[Whispers.]
Never mind.
Oh, god.
It's me.
Listen steve.
Jesus christ.
You better grow up, You son of a bitch.
This is america.
You don't get caught.
You don't ever plead guilty.
You hear me, You asshole? Yeah.
Jesus.
That is fascinating.
So you actually have a-- The gap actually Has a branch In santa monica? Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
The location Is great, But the personnel Manager is such A bitch.
Oh, there is No excuse for that.
I hate that.
That's not-- That's not right.
So how do you spell Katya? K-a-t-y-a.
Right? Hmm? Well, actually i-a.
[Larry.]
So it's actually Pronounced katia? No, i think It would be kat-yia.
Oh.
Kat-yia.
And then is smith Just a common spelling? Larry.
[Laughter.]
Um, would you boys Just excuse us For a minute? Oh, go for it.
Ahem.
We'll be right back.
Great.
Well, this is fun, isn't it? This is fun.
You having fun? Yeah.
I mean, It's a refreshing change From those self-obsessed Showbiz women.
Hey, hey, isn't that Susan anton? Isn't that susan? Right there.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Very similar look, But-- No, that's exactly Her look.
Susan.
Hey, larry, hi.
How are you? I'm good.
Good.
Um, hey, Why don't you Sit down and, uh-- Actually, uh, no.
We're in the middle of Something right now, sue.
Oh, oh, sure.
Well, yeah.
Pull up a chair.
Uh, there's No extra chairs.
Yeah, you guys Figure it out, ok? I've gotta go anyway.
Yeah.
It was nice Seeing you.
See you later on.
All right.
What are you doing? Believe me, This is something You do not want to Get into right now.
Could i ask you something? What? Um, i like the blonde.
Fine.
Great.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Thanks for what? We're back.
We're back.
Hello.
Hey.
So, uh, katia, um, How long have you been In retail? A while.
Larry, can i have A bite of your cake? You sure can.
[Bree.]
Save some for me.
I'm saving The frosting For you.
Katia, katia, um Is it your dream to, uh, Some day have Your own retail? Store? It's delicious.
This is gonna Embarrass you, uh, katia.
Katia? You have-- You have the most-- Can i-- do you mind? I know it's embarrassing But that's the most Incredible blonde hair.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, jesus.
No, you do.
You know.
Actually, when i was A teenager, My hair was very-- It was very close To that color.
Mmm.
I think I need some air.
Ha ha ha! Oh, man.
Excuse me.
[Grunting.]
I don't know What to say.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, that's all right.
Can i ask you Something? Yeah.
Are you having A good time? Yeah.
I mean, i know that You're used to going out With big movie stars And stuff.
Those women have A lot of problems.
They're bad news.
You have no idea.
Yeah.
Really? You know who you should Have on your show? Who? Tom.
Tom hanks? No, no, no.
Tom, this guy From my work.
He is, like, The funniest guy That i have ever met.
Sometimes when business Is really slow, He walks around the store Wearing the biggest pair Of pants that we've got.
I mean, like a man's size 62.
It is so fucking funny.
It sounds funny.
It is.
So, where can i tell him To get in touch with you? Should i just give him Your phone number? No more single dates, No more double dates, No more dates.
Ok, you're right.
No more women, ok.
But, uh, now, Listen to this.
My place in malibu, Just you and me-- No chiquitas, A few glasses of port, Some fine cubanos, Maybe, i don't know, A couple of porno tapes.
How about a ball game? You wanna do that? Hey, i'm there! Good.
Ok, ok, good.
Uh, baseball? Yeah.
You, me, artie.
What do you say? That's great.
Like the old days.
Yeah.
I don't know What old days You're talking about, But that General idea, yeah.
And please, no women.
Amen.
Who's that? It's a woman.
Yecch.
Excuse me, the elevator's Always a little slow Because there's a-- Sorry to Disappoint you.
You are hardly A disappointment.
This is my first wife Francine.
You probably Don't recall 'Cause it's been Quite a while.
Hi, hank.
I'm sorry, francine.
You didn't Recognize me, That's ok.
We only had you Over to the house That one time.
But again, That blancat duveaux Was extraordinary.
You know, I've been wanting To get that recipe-- [Pager beeping.]
From-- that's my beeper.
I don't think She's quite got The hang of this.
Let's go over this again.
You see, it's for when You cannot see me.
You cannot see me.
Here, let me explain.
Didn't we have him Over to the house More than once? No, we didn't.
You only let me Invite each of Your friends Over one time.
Really? Oh, i must have been Really an asshole.
No, not really.
Who wants to have Those friends over More than once Anyway? Right, right.
This elevator's slow.
What were you doing here? Oh, um, working On this piece about Hollywood unions.
I was interviewing Some of the tech People here.
Lot of productions Going up to canada, And some of these Guys are really-- You look great.
You weren't Listening.
Yes, i was.
You were talking about The hollywood unions And, uh, tech people Really getting hurt.
I bleed for those people, You know? But you really do Look great.
No, son, this detox Will be good for you.
What's that? What? Well, where in the hell Do you think you are? You're in minnesota.
Red alert, artie.
Why? Well, steve, I love you, son, That's why.
Larry is talking To francine.
Oh, jesus! I'll call you back.
Who let the crazy bitch In here? I have no idea.
She's gonna fuck him up For weeks.
I heard you had A heart attack Or something.
Your wife left you, But i didn't hear About the emmy-- Yeah, we didn't get Nominated again.
Aw, i'm sorry.
Those are such Nice statues.
Aren't they? You know? And now i'm just gonna-- I built all these Bookshelves, I'm gonna have to put Books on 'em.
Which fools nobody.
Don't i know.
Now people just come over, They see all the books, They think no emmys.
No way.
Right.
Do you want to go To, uh, dinner? Oh.
Is that a yes? No, i'm-- I'm thinking.
Oh.
I'm thinking, too.
Sorry the elevator's So slow.
Oh, well, i haven't Pushed the button yet.
This place is very dark And sad, don't you think? Yeah.
You come here A lot, huh? No, i don't.
Really? Mm-mmm.
There's a caricature of you Over there on the wall.
Oh, that's Barbra streisand.
Hmm.
That looks Exactly like you.
Well, you know, These aren't supposed To be flattering.
Caricatures never are.
You see nick nolte Over there? Look, he looks like Rose marie.
Oh, look.
I thought that was Gene autry.
Huh? No.
That's nick nolte.
Excuse me, Mr.
Sanders.
Mr.
Ovitz would Like you to accept This bottle Of champagne with His compliments.
Oh, thanks.
Just set it down And tell mr.
Ovitz Thank you very much.
I sure will, sir.
He hates me.
Then why are you Waving at him? Because He's waving at me.
He's a very Powerful man.
He could get me A movie.
Do you want a movie? No, but it would be Nice to be asked.
Stop waving.
I can't stop waving.
Help me stop.
Do something.
Just-- [sighs.]
You just gave Mike ovitz the finger.
What is wrong with you? Would you stop? Stop what? He didn't even see it.
He saw you.
He saw you.
He doesn't need To see it.
He can feel it.
He's an agent.
You know how many times He gets flipped off Behind his back In a given week? He's sitting there Right now going, "Wow, someone just Flipped me off.
" It comes from deep down In those guys.
Boy, you have Really changed.
I know.
I like it.
Yeah? Yeah, but you Gotta be careful 'Cause someone's Gonna shoot you In this town If you flip 'em off Like that.
What if i told you I have a gun? You have a gun? Yes, i do.
Jesus, You've changed.
I know.
i want to thank them for returning the couch, and hank.
Oh.
It's-- it's on a-- It's on a-- It's on a timer.
Wait a minute.
Oh, that-- That thing's Happening again, Where your suit disappears Into the curtain.
Oh, yeah-- You know, Like the-- Looks like a big Floating head.
That doesn't Really bother me Anymore anyway.
Really? Well, that's good.
Great.
Thank you.
[larry chattering on tv.]
Well, i'm gonna-- Where are you going? I-- i have a deadline And you have a show to watch.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look.
[Tv off.]
There.
Oh, that's A very sweet gesture-- Sweet gesture? I don't turn my show off For anybody.
I know, but i-- I still have a deadline.
I'm gonna go downstairs To get my clothes.
That was great sex.
I had a great time.
It was-- Well, wait a minute.
Now, aren't you, Um-- Can i have, You know What? You know, could I have your number? My phone number? Yeah.
Well.
[Telephone rings.]
I'm not gonna Get that.
I don't believe you.
I'm not.
I'm not Gonna get that.
[Beep.]
larry, it's artie.
i know you went to dinner with francine, but, jesus, god, lad, i'm warning you, don't have sex with her.
larry?
Now, that sign says, "Applesauce.
" No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray? Do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? [Applause.]
All right.
Remember, you're all A big part of the show, So the better you are, The better larry is.
This gentleman is Giving me this sign, And it says, "we're on In 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
" Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? [Man.]
In 5, 4, 3, 2 ** [Music playing.]
live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests michael jeter, sandra bernhard, marky mark, and me, "hey, now!" hank kingsley.
and now, because it's a condition of his probation, larry sanders! [Applause.]
[Applause continues.]
Good crowd.
Thank you, hank.
[Larry.]
Welcome.
Today president clinton Announced another new plan To end the deficit.
He said For a million dollars, He'd let robert redford Sleep with hillary.
[Audience laughs.]
If robert redford Has to pay A million dollars To get laid Do i need to finish This thought? Imagine what hank Must have to pay.
[Applause.]
Jeannie, what makes you think We can't work it out? Come back from chicago And we'll talk-- Self-involved? No, i am not watching My show right now.
I'm watching bonanza.
That is not hank.
That is hoss.
You know, We both fucked up.
I am not going to tell you The ways i fucked up.
I might go into some areas You never considered.
Ok, go ahead.
You tell me.
Go ahead.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Uh-huh.
[Television.]
we'll be right back.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Look.
Hey, that is more Of a quirk, don't you think? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
That, again, is a quirk, Don't you think? Hey, where's artie? He's coming.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You mentioned That one last night.
All right.
Ok.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
UhBye.
All this woman does is Berate me, i swear to god.
Why do you Put her through? Larry, You called her.
Oh, that's right.
Do i have Trouble prioritizing Emotional commitments? Oh, please, Don't ask me.
I haven't had A healthy relationship Since junior high.
Oh.
Wow.
Well, let's stick To me today.
Did you see this article About letterman? Listen.
I want to Read you a little something.
Beverly, listen to this.
"Letterman's new time slot" Blah, blah, blah.
"Domino effect in late--" Ah, here it is.
"Analysts say, On a household basis, "Leno will be ahead, But letterman will pull in A younger audience.
" A younger audience.
[Muttering.]
Just what i need-- Someone taking more Of the younger audience.
[Door opens.]
Jesus! Are you laying In your own puke? Do you have The trades? What? The reporter? variety? Oh, i don't know.
You need a hot towel? I don't need a hot towel.
I really want to See the trades.
We have an excellent Show tonight-- Supermodel kathy ireland And two mystery guests.
Who are they? It's a mystery.
They don't need to be A mystery to me, artie.
I'm the host.
What do you care? They'll be great.
Is it in the trades About my divorce? I haven't read The trades yet.
I'm not going to the bathroom For two hours.
Let me see them.
What? The trades.
Can't.
Why? Can't.
Why? Oh! The emmy nominations Came out today.
Don't tell me.
Bastards.
Shit.
I thought sure With johnny gone, We'd receive A nomination.
I don't need to see this.
I'll tell you who Got nominated.
Letterman, saturday night live, And i'll bet you Billy crystal Hosting The academy awards.
Am i right? What's the other one? a jackie mason hanukkah, artie? Cable shows should be A different category.
We're slipping.
Absolutely not.
I'm not blaming you.
I spent four months On the telephone Talking to my wife, Trying to save My marriage.
What are you doing? You ok? I'm fine.
Sit down.
You're frightening me.
Listen, i feel for you, boy.
Marriages take you Through the old ringer.
Thank you.
Believe me, i know.
Thank you.
I really tried This time, artie.
Well, walk it off.
Walk it off? Cancel.
Move on.
Why don't i just Put ice on it? It's a marriage, For god's sakes! [Chuckling.]
Know what i need to do? I need to focus On this fucking show.
I could use a hot towel.
Do you have one? Yeah.
[Knock on door.]
Kathy ireland is Trying on wardrobe.
Shouldn't you be Working on jokes? Kathy ireland is Trying on wardrobe.
Come on, Larry! Come on.
This will Do you good.
Supermodel, Costume changes, Fittings Anything Could happen.
[Both purring.]
Oh, as attractive As you make it sound.
Please, focus on the show! Yes.
Yes.
Focus.
Focus.
Now let's go focus On miss kathy ireland, A very important part Of tonight's show.
Beverly! [Sigh.]
Beverly.
Yes.
Would you please get Jeannie on the phone For me.
Uh-uh.
No.
Good.
Get me A hot towel.
What? A hot towel.
I need a hot towel.
Ok.
I'll check on it.
They're out there.
You don't need to check.
Artie was selling them Like there's no tomorrow.
They must be there, Or he wouldn't be in here Saying there's hot towels.
They must be out there Very close by.
There's hot towels Out there.
I could tell.
I-- i'm going crazy.
I hear jeannie crying In my head.
[Crying.]
Poor larry.
Yeah.
Who would have thought? I thought this time It would last forever.
Jeannie was Such a good person.
I thought you were talking About the emmy nominations.
Oh, screw her! She was always trying To drive a wedge Between larry and me.
One time,one time I was invited to larry's house While they were married.
Then you and larry Will probably spend More time together.
Well, i-- Well, no-- I'd assume.
Because, you know, Actually, During the interval Between francine and jeannie, We were very tight.
Really? We'd hit the bar At the bel air hotel, Work a little skirt.
I bet she's going to Be really sad, Even with All that money.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess this year, I'm going to get very, Very close to larry.
Jerry van dyke.
Fuck him.
Beverly! This towel Isn't even hot! [Knock on door.]
Hi, larry.
Oh, miss parrish.
Artie's not here.
I know.
I came to see you.
Oh.
Well, artie's Not here.
Larry, I just want you to know I read about the divorce.
Everybody at the network Is thinking about you.
Thanks.
That's nice.
Artie's not here.
I know.
Please, Don't get up.
We can discuss The phoenix problem Another time.
Phoenix? They're dropping you For chevy chase.
You're kidding.
Hard to believe, Isn't it? Take it easy.
Don't worry about that Or tulsa Or the emmys.
Just take it easy.
We can talk tomorrow Morning.
You know Artie wasn't here.
I know Where artie is.
I feel embarrassed Talking about My photos.
I have a new movie.
the last paisan.
I saw it twice.
It's not out yet.
I hear You're wonderful.
Yeah.
Here he is.
Kathy, larry sanders.
Pleasure To meet you.
[Artie.]
The pleasure, I'm sure, is mutual.
Yes, it's a pleasure Meeting you.
Have a good time On the show.
You'll be great.
Thanks.
What do you Think of my shoes? They're great.
Open-toed.
Mine are closed-toed-- I like All your shoes.
I need to talk To you.
Kathy, You're a delight.
Delight.
Those really are Great shoes.
Yeah.
I think you should Start dating right away.
That miss ireland Is not a bad place To start.
There'll be no dating.
Until we get this show On track, i have no dick.
No dick? Check.
Did you hear about The phoenix affiliate? We got dropped, yes.
How'd you find out? Melanie parrish was In my office last night.
Oh, shit.
How did she Get past security? I do not know.
Do you have last Night's ratings? The ratings last night Are not indicative Of the overall performance Of this show.
Okay, so we got killed.
Just give me the ratings.
Remember, koppel Had the buttafuocos.
Jesus, he's dipping Into the toilet.
I agree.
Why didn't we get The buttafuocos on? They turned us down.
Good.
They're not right For the show anyway.
I agree.
Fucking koppel Blurs the line.
My god, no, It's not right.
I'll wait for you In the office.
It's a little late To pretend you like jeannie.
Hey! What are you doing After the show? Wait.
I'm meeting Two lovely ladies At the bel air hotel.
There's two of them, One of me, so No pressure.
Who can afford A hair weave or a transplant? And for that matter, Who knows a baboon Who wants to give you His hair? The first baboon Liver transplants.
Very funny.
I don't think anybody Will remember that.
But that's-- ok, now, What is your name, sir? Hank kingsley.
That's going to Be hank.
If it's hank, Why isn't hank here? Hank has one line, And it's his name.
You think he can do that Without a rehearsal? Oh, please.
All right.
Ok.
All right.
Here we go.
Well, your solution Is here.
It's larry sanders' Hat in a can.
Isn't "cap in a can" Funnier? Cap in a can.
Ha! You're right! That's funnier.
Cap in a can! All right, artie.
Don't.
Come on.
Cap in a can.
[Chuckling.]
All right.
Then i spray it On his head? Now we Then we cut away, And then we cut back.
He is wearing The cap in a can hat.
Is this the hat We're using? This doesn't look like It comes from a can.
I understand how this part Could come from a can, But how would The brim know To come out of the can Before the rest of the hat? Are you Actually questioning The reality of this? If i don't, who will? I'm pissing in my pants, Conceptual flaw and all! May we move on, please? All right.
Don't we have Something else? Seriously.
Excuse me-- I'm sure That the writers Can cook up Something funny About your marital Disorders.
After all, That is what will be On every viewer's Mind.
How many do you have? [Artie.]
A couple.
He's been working On them since 1989.
Is it that obvious? [Beverly.]
Excuse me.
You can't do that.
I was going to Mention this later.
Jeannie's attorney Just messengered This over.
Jeannie has issued A court order "Restraining Larry sanders "Or anyone connected With the show "From making jokes, Remarks, Or public mention Of jeannie sanders.
" You're kidding.
Oh, shit.
I-- i recognize This stationery.
Who's jeannie's Attorney? Marvin.
Mitchelson! Oh, boy.
I won't even get The dog.
No, no.
Lee marvin Lost everything But the dog.
Arthur, your son Eddie called.
There's a problem.
What now? Arthur, he's been Arrested for [Whispering.]
Possession.
Call my lawyer.
I hope bail becomes Tax-deductible.
It should with that hippie In the white house.
Ow! Get some water! Get a towel! What are The ingredients Of this cap in a can? Listen to this.
And this is a direct Quote from letterman.
"I'm not the kind of person Who wants to see "Somebody else fail On television.
"Whatever the future holds, I'm in pretty good shape.
" Doc, you're a professional.
Is this guy on the level? [Knocking on door.]
Ahoy there, matey.
What the fuck are you doing? I figured if i wore a patch, Then it won't look odd That you have one on.
People will think it's a bit.
What kind of bit? Two guys with patches on.
Take it off.
Okay.
What's in the box? Oh.
Ow.
This? Yeah.
Larry.
Hmm.
Um, i'm okay.
I'm okay.
Um, we've been friends For a very long time.
It just breaks my heart what This woman is doing to you.
Yeah.
So I thought thismight help.
And this is from me to you.
Uh, she's almost housebroken.
I have a dog.
No? Oh, no, i heard-- Jeannie took the dog? No, jeannie didn't Take the dog.
Darlene must have Misunderstood.
Um, anyhow, in that case, Then i hope you will accept This little get-well gift.
Oh, thank you.
Read the inscription.
Go ahead, read it.
It says, "Have fun in vegas.
" I'm not going to vegas.
Yes, you are.
You and me, And barbara and cindy, Who claim they've Never been there before.
We are not-- Now you listen to me.
You just listen to me.
Larry? Larry, i've seen men Try to lose themselves In their work Like this before-- Redd foxx and dick shawn And regis philbin.
capisce? Yeah.
Stress kills.
You hear that? It kills.
But the best cure For stress is Blow jobs.
Bingo.
Listen to this, hank.
Did you see This letterman article? Listen to this.
"I'm looking forward"-- This is a quote From letterman.
"I'm looking forward To the competition.
That will make The show better.
" Look what Paul shaffer says.
"I don't care Where dave goes, As long as i go With him.
" What a little kiss-ass.
[Artie.]
No more tight shots Of larry, god damn it.
His eye is leaking Like niagara falls.
Stay wide.
Stay wide.
It's the revolutionary Cap in a can.
All right.
What is your name, sir? Bob stevens.
[Scattered laughter.]
Who's bob stevens? Bob stevens Is an ordinary, Everyday guy.
All right, bob.
Uh, bob.
Ready for Your new look? Yes, i am.
Here is your cap In a can.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Aw, jeez.
[Applause and laughter.]
Well This is really Going to sell.
Bob, i guess you're Pretty sold on this product.
Aren't you, bob? Bob? Hank? Yeah.
[Applause.]
Cap in a can.
My next guests Need no introduction.
Los lobos! * Meet me someplace That i won't know * * Heading down That whiskey * Hey! You're on, Really on! And cap in a can-- Hilarious.
Did you see hank? You can't buy those kind Of fuck-ups, larry.
You hear the audience? What do you want? How's that eye? I've forgotten All about it.
You like them? Like them? They do rock.
* On whiskey * * Trail * * Daddy drank his dinner From a paper sack * * Made it out the door And then never came back * * Headin' down * * That whiskey trail * * They say i'm a chip off A son of a gun * Let's book boy george.
His smack problems Are behind him.
Fine.
All i know is, I should be here.
This is where My priorities are.
Show biz.
* Everything about it Is appealing * I feel light-headed.
I'd dance with you.
You look pale.
Hey-- Do i look pale? Yeah.
* On whiskey trail * That's fine.
Thanks.
No, that's fine.
What's wrong? You ever feel like Somebody Grabbed you, When they Weren't there? No.
That was weird.
Artie, call a doctor.
You want The studio nurse? Call the doctor.
Is it your eye? It's my chest, Artie.
Is it right there? Yeah.
That's a heart attack.
* The engines wail * * Every night * * On whiskey * * Trail * We thank thee for Sparing the life Of larry sanders.
I first met larry In the spring of 1985.
My cruise liner Was moored Off the coast Of portugal.
Amen.
Hank? Yeah, buddy.
Hank? Ge the fuck off the bed.
I'd like a moment alone With beverly, please.
He wants a moment Alone with beverly.
Hank, i heard What he said.
Okay.
You're looking good, My lad.
Racquetball, Two weeks.
Jeannie's right.
My priorities are All screwed up.
Don't be so hard On yourself.
Look at me.
I can't end up Like this again.
This heart attack Is a warning.
It was A heart episode.
You know What i mean.
I'm 40 years old.
I haven't made One marriage work.
You're 42.
Don't push so hard.
Focus on What makes you happy.
You know what would Make me happy right now? What's that? The dog.
I want it.
Get the dog.
I don't know how To say this, But jeannie Stopped by-- She did? And she took the dog.
[Bell dings.]
[Button clicking.]
Well, good morning, Mr.
Full of life.
Good morning To you, hank.
Do you remember that, Uh, the private nurse You had? Miss ferguson? Yeah.
Sheila.
Uh, anyway, i got To talking to her, And, well, Let's just say, uh, She has a friend, You see, Yeah.
I know where This is going.
No.
Friend's also a nurse.
Nurse.
And she's equally Attractive.
And what do you say? Come on, you know.
Uh, 2 lovely nurses, A little dinner at The bel air hotel.
Before you know it, Your head turns sideways, You're coughing.
I'm just gonna Go fuck myself.
Hank, i'm sorry.
It's my first day back.
I'm a little on edge.
Ah, you see, That's stress.
[Sighs.]
i am fine.
Stress, stress.
I hate it, you know? Stress kills, You know? And-- and We all know, The best relief In the world For stress is-- Don't say it, hank.
Blowjobs.
Main floor, talk show.
Think about it.
Think about what? He wants to set me up.
Ah, forget about it.
Surprise! Larry sanders In the house.
Oh, my god, larry, You look so good.
Thanks, darlene.
Thank you.
We have monologue jokes About your heart attack.
Uh, it was not A heart attack.
It was a mild Heart episode, please.
A heart episode.
Is that anything like A designing women episode? Yes, in that-- In that they both Make you sick? Yes, and involve Fatty build-up.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Hey, larry, Isn't your cholesterol Higher than your-- S.
A.
Ts.
He's back.
Get well cards.
How many? Way to go, lar.
Hey, well, Wait a minute.
Last year When i broke my leg, Didn't i get 9 pounds? Yes, but you've got Out there.
Well, all right.
Send them a nice Personally autographed Photo of me.
Oh, should i put "Best wishes" or "Thanks for caring"? Ah, your choice.
Beverly, please.
Oh, leave him be, Beverly.
Here's where you-- Artie, please.
Support.
Who's on the show? Ed harris, Luther vandross, And as far As i'm concerned, A cure for what Ails you-- Miss helen hunt.
Um, well, what can i say? We, uh, play newlyweds Living in manhattan, And, uh, he has a dog And i have a neurotic sister And we both have jobs And, somehow in there, mad about you.
And are you Having fun? Yes, having A very good time.
Good.
Well, If i may say, I think The viewing public Is watching Because they're Mad about you.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you very much.
[Applause.]
I personally think That most people Are mad about you.
[Applause.]
No.
Most-- Most, uh, most people Are mad at me.
[Laughter.]
So listen When exactly Is the show on? It's on 9:30 Saturday night.
It's a new time for us.
You know, we used to be On wednesdays after seinfeld.
So, uh, what Have you been doing In your spare time? Oh, god, i haven't Really had any spare time.
You know, They picked us up For 22 more shows And they could Add more to that On the back end.
Wow, if your back end Gets too big, You gotta get A stairmaster.
[Chuckles.]
So, um Well, let me see.
What i was gonna Ask you Is how's The new time slot Working out? Um, the ratings Are a little weaker But we have A much stronger share, Which is key, you know, About saturday nights.
Sure, sure.
How was your fish? It's a little dry.
Now, didn't somebody Tell me that you Went to hawaii? Is that right? Yeah.
The guy that did My pre-interview For your show? That's right, That's right.
Was there a funny Story about hawaii? 'Cause we didn't get to it On the air.
Yeah, actually.
A girlfriend and i Were snorkeling In the water, and-- Hey, why don't you Hold that thought, And, uh, I'll be right back.
Ok, see you In a minute.
No flipping.
You're a riot.
I am telling you, It was like an interview.
All she talked about Was show business, And all i did was Pretend to be interested.
All right.
I mean, Maybe just as well It didn't go anywhere.
What do you mean Just as well? I won't book her anymore.
I told you that Earlier.
Larry, larry, I'm talking to 2 girls Out there in the audience.
They drove in All the way from anaheim.
Now they're disney employees, They're waitresses.
Where at? Uh, the dumbo hilton-- The dumbo hyatt-- I don't know.
Anyway, do you think They wanna drive All the way Back there tonight? No, they do not.
I mean, after all, That is a 2-hour drive.
I think that's just To the monorail stop, Isn't it? So where do you think I told them they should Stay overnight? Oh, i don't know-- [Both.]
bel air hotel.
Larry, this is 8 ball In the corner pocket.
This is game over.
All we need are our cue sticks, It sounds like to me.
Hey, now.
You bring the chalk.
[Chuckles.]
Chalk? Think about it.
Did you get them all? I got them all.
You always get them all.
I shouldn't even ask.
** [Theme plays.]
Did you get them all? She got them all.
I just asked her.
She always gets them all.
Get ready to have A good time With dana delany.
[Hank.]
live on tape From hollywood, the larry sanders show.
Tonight [Laughter.]
Oh, you finished that? Yeah.
You know, i've Been known to have Wild palms myself.
[Hank.]
Hey, now.
Don't worry, They're not hairy.
Didn't want to say it.
All right.
Well, uh, What are you Working on now? Oh, i don't want to Talk about that.
Everybody talks about Show business in this town.
Bores me to death.
How was your fish? Um, a little dry.
Oh, really? Really? Yeah.
You know, i really Should get going.
Aren't you gonna Finish your dessert? No.
Um, i gotta Get up early tomorrow.
Oh, are you Working on something? Uh, no-- i'm not working.
I'm a morning person.
Oh.
How about you? No.
Well, you know, I host a late night Talk show, So i'm up late.
You shoot during The afternoons.
Yeah, But i'm so wired From watching it That i don't get To sleep Till like 3-- Let me get this.
Oh, no, let me-- Let me get that.
No, please, I had a great time.
I asked you.
I want to.
Well, do you want To go back to my house To watch ourselves On the show? Um, larry? I heard you had A stroke or something.
No, i did not.
I'm excellent.
Gosh, i thought I read somewhere That you had a stroke.
No, no.
I had a minor Heart episode.
I don't know, Maybe that's what They're talking about.
Oh, my god.
You seem so young To have that problem.
No, it is very common Among talk show hosts.
Regis philbin had Angioplasty recently.
Let me help you With that.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, larry I don't want you To take this personally Or anything-- 'Cause you're great, You are-- But, um, you're Just not my type.
Really? Oh.
What is your type? Well, it's not like I really have a type.
Oh.
It's just, you know, I just got out Of a relationship, And i'm not ready To get involved again.
Right.
Which one is it, Really? I know what you're doing, And i just Want you to stop.
Do what? There's a very fine line Between being a booker And a pimp.
Oh, thank you.
Look, This show Is the most Highly advanced Video dating service In the world.
Besides, left to Your own devices-- Ooh, you don't Pick winners.
You talk about it Like it's the track.
It is! It is not The track.
Jeannie Pulled up lame, And that crazy filly Francine Should have been shot In the infield.
I will ruin my life On my own, thank you.
Go ahead.
Excuse me.
Arthur, It's one of your sons.
Eddie? Steve.
Aw, shit.
Sheriff's station? No, emergency room.
Oh.
It's line 3.
Hey.
How was the date With miss china beach? It was more of a "Get to know you" thing Than a date, really.
Oh, i'm sorry.
Oh, well, What the hell.
What do you need With her? I mean, she's A pain in the ass.
Isn't she? Yeah.
Actresses.
I mean, they're all Pains in the ass, You know.
Aren't they? This is good.
This is-- This is funny.
Which one? Shoes.
That's all it says.
Shoes.
Yeah, i know.
That's great.
No joke in there.
Listen, um I think, uh, i know What you want.
Uh, i happen to know These, uh, 2 girls Who work at the gap, Katya and bree.
Uh, and, uh, They're very young, But, uh, bright.
And bree has Actually had some Community college.
Is that right? Yeah.
Wow.
Is that the hollywood gap Or the santa monica gap? Um, i don't-- I don't know.
Have you ever eaten At the st.
James club? No.
Never.
Well, actually, It's not a club, It's a hotel.
But we could have A night there.
Will you think About it? You know? I've decided to ruin My life on my own.
But will you just Think about it? I better ruin it On my own.
All right.
Larry.
I can't take Any more of these.
Get ready to have A very good time With teri garr.
[Sighs.]
Where's larry's Breath freshener? Oh, i'm sorry, i-- [Hank speaking In background.]
Teri garr.
She's-- she's cute.
She's funny, Isn't she? Larry, i'm sorry, I can't watch you Do this to yourself.
If you think dating A bunch of actresses Is gonna turn Your life around, We'll just have The cardiac ward Reserve a room for you Right now.
Yeah, you think? But he's a trained dog.
He does a trick When i, uh-- If i hold food In front of his face, And i ask him A question, Like, "is it a nice day?" And i go like this, He goes yes.
So it's kind of A trained dog And kind of, uh, Just a dog.
Well, you know, My grandfather Will do that.
Really? Yes.
You can go, "Grandpa, isn't it Cold outside?" Ha ha ha ha ha! And he nods, Even though It's 105 degrees.
Exactly what You're talking-- And the joke Is on grandpa.
Right.
Same with the dog.
[Sighs.]
We should Talk about this.
Uh, why don't we just Write it down? Yeah, that's A good idea.
Ok.
I don't know What words to use.
Um, how about "This was probably A mistake.
" Yeah, that's good.
And, um-- "It will never, Never happen again.
" Good.
And, "we-- I should never have A xanax and wine--" Oh, gosh, Me neither.
No.
Ok.
Is larry in yet? Mm-mmm.
I know he's been Dating a lot Of guests.
Don't you think It's only a matter Of time Before he works His way around To one of us? I don't know.
It's gonna happen.
Let's face facts.
And when it does, It's either gonna be You or me.
Right.
Like larry Would date a sister? I don't think so.
Beverly, fine morning.
Good morning.
Darlene.
[Whispers.]
Never mind.
Oh, god.
It's me.
Listen steve.
Jesus christ.
You better grow up, You son of a bitch.
This is america.
You don't get caught.
You don't ever plead guilty.
You hear me, You asshole? Yeah.
Jesus.
That is fascinating.
So you actually have a-- The gap actually Has a branch In santa monica? Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
The location Is great, But the personnel Manager is such A bitch.
Oh, there is No excuse for that.
I hate that.
That's not-- That's not right.
So how do you spell Katya? K-a-t-y-a.
Right? Hmm? Well, actually i-a.
[Larry.]
So it's actually Pronounced katia? No, i think It would be kat-yia.
Oh.
Kat-yia.
And then is smith Just a common spelling? Larry.
[Laughter.]
Um, would you boys Just excuse us For a minute? Oh, go for it.
Ahem.
We'll be right back.
Great.
Well, this is fun, isn't it? This is fun.
You having fun? Yeah.
I mean, It's a refreshing change From those self-obsessed Showbiz women.
Hey, hey, isn't that Susan anton? Isn't that susan? Right there.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Very similar look, But-- No, that's exactly Her look.
Susan.
Hey, larry, hi.
How are you? I'm good.
Good.
Um, hey, Why don't you Sit down and, uh-- Actually, uh, no.
We're in the middle of Something right now, sue.
Oh, oh, sure.
Well, yeah.
Pull up a chair.
Uh, there's No extra chairs.
Yeah, you guys Figure it out, ok? I've gotta go anyway.
Yeah.
It was nice Seeing you.
See you later on.
All right.
What are you doing? Believe me, This is something You do not want to Get into right now.
Could i ask you something? What? Um, i like the blonde.
Fine.
Great.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Thanks for what? We're back.
We're back.
Hello.
Hey.
So, uh, katia, um, How long have you been In retail? A while.
Larry, can i have A bite of your cake? You sure can.
[Bree.]
Save some for me.
I'm saving The frosting For you.
Katia, katia, um Is it your dream to, uh, Some day have Your own retail? Store? It's delicious.
This is gonna Embarrass you, uh, katia.
Katia? You have-- You have the most-- Can i-- do you mind? I know it's embarrassing But that's the most Incredible blonde hair.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, jesus.
No, you do.
You know.
Actually, when i was A teenager, My hair was very-- It was very close To that color.
Mmm.
I think I need some air.
Ha ha ha! Oh, man.
Excuse me.
[Grunting.]
I don't know What to say.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, that's all right.
Can i ask you Something? Yeah.
Are you having A good time? Yeah.
I mean, i know that You're used to going out With big movie stars And stuff.
Those women have A lot of problems.
They're bad news.
You have no idea.
Yeah.
Really? You know who you should Have on your show? Who? Tom.
Tom hanks? No, no, no.
Tom, this guy From my work.
He is, like, The funniest guy That i have ever met.
Sometimes when business Is really slow, He walks around the store Wearing the biggest pair Of pants that we've got.
I mean, like a man's size 62.
It is so fucking funny.
It sounds funny.
It is.
So, where can i tell him To get in touch with you? Should i just give him Your phone number? No more single dates, No more double dates, No more dates.
Ok, you're right.
No more women, ok.
But, uh, now, Listen to this.
My place in malibu, Just you and me-- No chiquitas, A few glasses of port, Some fine cubanos, Maybe, i don't know, A couple of porno tapes.
How about a ball game? You wanna do that? Hey, i'm there! Good.
Ok, ok, good.
Uh, baseball? Yeah.
You, me, artie.
What do you say? That's great.
Like the old days.
Yeah.
I don't know What old days You're talking about, But that General idea, yeah.
And please, no women.
Amen.
Who's that? It's a woman.
Yecch.
Excuse me, the elevator's Always a little slow Because there's a-- Sorry to Disappoint you.
You are hardly A disappointment.
This is my first wife Francine.
You probably Don't recall 'Cause it's been Quite a while.
Hi, hank.
I'm sorry, francine.
You didn't Recognize me, That's ok.
We only had you Over to the house That one time.
But again, That blancat duveaux Was extraordinary.
You know, I've been wanting To get that recipe-- [Pager beeping.]
From-- that's my beeper.
I don't think She's quite got The hang of this.
Let's go over this again.
You see, it's for when You cannot see me.
You cannot see me.
Here, let me explain.
Didn't we have him Over to the house More than once? No, we didn't.
You only let me Invite each of Your friends Over one time.
Really? Oh, i must have been Really an asshole.
No, not really.
Who wants to have Those friends over More than once Anyway? Right, right.
This elevator's slow.
What were you doing here? Oh, um, working On this piece about Hollywood unions.
I was interviewing Some of the tech People here.
Lot of productions Going up to canada, And some of these Guys are really-- You look great.
You weren't Listening.
Yes, i was.
You were talking about The hollywood unions And, uh, tech people Really getting hurt.
I bleed for those people, You know? But you really do Look great.
No, son, this detox Will be good for you.
What's that? What? Well, where in the hell Do you think you are? You're in minnesota.
Red alert, artie.
Why? Well, steve, I love you, son, That's why.
Larry is talking To francine.
Oh, jesus! I'll call you back.
Who let the crazy bitch In here? I have no idea.
She's gonna fuck him up For weeks.
I heard you had A heart attack Or something.
Your wife left you, But i didn't hear About the emmy-- Yeah, we didn't get Nominated again.
Aw, i'm sorry.
Those are such Nice statues.
Aren't they? You know? And now i'm just gonna-- I built all these Bookshelves, I'm gonna have to put Books on 'em.
Which fools nobody.
Don't i know.
Now people just come over, They see all the books, They think no emmys.
No way.
Right.
Do you want to go To, uh, dinner? Oh.
Is that a yes? No, i'm-- I'm thinking.
Oh.
I'm thinking, too.
Sorry the elevator's So slow.
Oh, well, i haven't Pushed the button yet.
This place is very dark And sad, don't you think? Yeah.
You come here A lot, huh? No, i don't.
Really? Mm-mmm.
There's a caricature of you Over there on the wall.
Oh, that's Barbra streisand.
Hmm.
That looks Exactly like you.
Well, you know, These aren't supposed To be flattering.
Caricatures never are.
You see nick nolte Over there? Look, he looks like Rose marie.
Oh, look.
I thought that was Gene autry.
Huh? No.
That's nick nolte.
Excuse me, Mr.
Sanders.
Mr.
Ovitz would Like you to accept This bottle Of champagne with His compliments.
Oh, thanks.
Just set it down And tell mr.
Ovitz Thank you very much.
I sure will, sir.
He hates me.
Then why are you Waving at him? Because He's waving at me.
He's a very Powerful man.
He could get me A movie.
Do you want a movie? No, but it would be Nice to be asked.
Stop waving.
I can't stop waving.
Help me stop.
Do something.
Just-- [sighs.]
You just gave Mike ovitz the finger.
What is wrong with you? Would you stop? Stop what? He didn't even see it.
He saw you.
He saw you.
He doesn't need To see it.
He can feel it.
He's an agent.
You know how many times He gets flipped off Behind his back In a given week? He's sitting there Right now going, "Wow, someone just Flipped me off.
" It comes from deep down In those guys.
Boy, you have Really changed.
I know.
I like it.
Yeah? Yeah, but you Gotta be careful 'Cause someone's Gonna shoot you In this town If you flip 'em off Like that.
What if i told you I have a gun? You have a gun? Yes, i do.
Jesus, You've changed.
I know.
i want to thank them for returning the couch, and hank.
Oh.
It's-- it's on a-- It's on a-- It's on a timer.
Wait a minute.
Oh, that-- That thing's Happening again, Where your suit disappears Into the curtain.
Oh, yeah-- You know, Like the-- Looks like a big Floating head.
That doesn't Really bother me Anymore anyway.
Really? Well, that's good.
Great.
Thank you.
[larry chattering on tv.]
Well, i'm gonna-- Where are you going? I-- i have a deadline And you have a show to watch.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look.
[Tv off.]
There.
Oh, that's A very sweet gesture-- Sweet gesture? I don't turn my show off For anybody.
I know, but i-- I still have a deadline.
I'm gonna go downstairs To get my clothes.
That was great sex.
I had a great time.
It was-- Well, wait a minute.
Now, aren't you, Um-- Can i have, You know What? You know, could I have your number? My phone number? Yeah.
Well.
[Telephone rings.]
I'm not gonna Get that.
I don't believe you.
I'm not.
I'm not Gonna get that.
[Beep.]
larry, it's artie.
i know you went to dinner with francine, but, jesus, god, lad, i'm warning you, don't have sex with her.
larry?