The Last Kids on Earth (2019) s02e01 Episode Script

1
You know, Rover,
ever since we battled Blarg,
everything's been perfect
and everyone's been happy.
-June's moved into the treehouse
-[video game sounds]
and everyone's totally buddy-buddy.
And we have zero problems.
[June] You're the smelliest thing
in this apocalypse!
[Quint]
Living with you is the end of the world!
-[June] Ugh!
-Gah!
-Did you just throw my shoe?!
-You're lucky I didn't throw you!
-I'd like to see you try!
-I bet you would!
Well, maybe we have one or two problems.
Ugh! Quint, filling the bestiary
could help us figure out
where those monsters came from,
or how all this happened.
So we have to be organized.
I was the editor of the school paper
and I know exactly how to do this.
June, I am a scientist.
Believe me, I know how best
to construct the bestiary.
A photo and all pertinent facts
for each creature
shall be logged alphabetically.
You dorks! All we gotta know is,
is this monster mean?
How do we destroy it?
And is anyone ever gonna
clean the bathroom?!
-This is ridiculous!
-You threw my shoe!
You guys are the real dumbbells!
[all speaking at once]
Ugh. Now it's like we're all
at each other's throats in this treehouse.
I just want us to be one big, perfect,
happy buddy family.
-[audience cheers and applause]
-How was everyone's day?
-Look what I caught today!
-[audience laughs]
-Looks like we have dinner! Thanks, June.
-[audience laughs]
And I put the finishing touches
on my explosive zombie disruptor.
-Now where did I put it?
-[toilet flushing]
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
-[audience laughs]
-[Jack, June] Classic Quint.
-[audience cheers and applause]
[all laughing]
-[June] Yeah, Quint?
-Ow!
[Quint]
Hey! My other shoe!
Rover, we need something
to unite everyone,
remind everyone we're a team.
[Rover whimpers, pants]
Like when on
our battling-and-defeating-Blarg quest!
A zombie would be a better roommate
than you two!
With a zombie,
at least I'd be able to hear myself think!
Nobody can hear themselves think!
-A quest!
-[fanfare]
We're going questing!
Don't you see what this is?
It's not just a bestiary.
It's a gateway to questing fun!
Because we're questers!
We're heroic heroes of heroicism!
It's the end of the world
and we're still here.
We're still standing! You know why?
'Cause we don't have enough chairs?
Because we're a team!
So stop arguing
and start lacing up your sneakers!
Mine are outside.
We're going on a quest together.
-And what are we questing for?
-Fun!
At the funnest end-of-the-world place
anyone ever heard of!
The mall.
[Muzak playing]
[all] Aaah!
[Jack]
I don't remember the mall being so deadly!
The good news is,
we found another monster for our bestiary!
Yeah, that's what's important right now.
Indeed! We must name
our monstrous new discovery.
How about
Ugh! Ohh! Aah!
[zombies moaning]
-Gotcha!
-Ah, ah, wha! Wha!
Huh. Worry about the name later.
Maybe it can wait a little!
[screeching]
Split up!
It can't follow all four of us.
Copy that.
[panting] What?!
We were supposed to split.
I always split left. June knows that.
That's literally never come up.
I love it. Great minds thinking alike.
A real team. Just a classic quest.
[snarls, screeches]
[shoes squeak]
[screeching]
Jack! Throw it!
Oh, right. The boomerang.
-[static]
-Boomerang!
A rang that goes boom.
Designed to
distract and disorient monsters.
Another fine product brought to you by
Quint's Post-Apocalyptic Action Adventure
Supplies, Inc.
-[static]
-Hey! Wormburger! You rang?
Ohh
[screeches]
-Whoo-hoo!
-Yeah!
[all] Aah!
[snarling, screeching]
-[roars]
-[crashing]
[Jack]
That worked just like I planned.
Whoo! He's gone. Probably forever.
Oh, please.
I'm sure you're a hundred percent right.
OK, slight adventure hiccup.
But the quest is back on track!
Our goal: have as much fun as possible!
-Your happy meters are going to explode!
-[video game beeping]
Sorry, our what meters?
Well, you may have a point.
I mean, wow,
the whole mall.
What are we going to do?
The question isn't
what are we going to do?
-The question is
-What aren't we going to do?
Was that going to be the question?
I suspect
that was going to be the question.
[sighs] Y-Yes, Quint.
[laughs]
[upbeat music playing]
[chomps]
-[rattling]
-[bangs]
[laughing]
Hmm.
[banging]
[rattling]
[laughing]
[whistling]
[bike bell ringing]
Huh! Follow the leader, boys.
[laughs]
-[June laughs]
-[Jack vibrating] Uh-uh-uh.
[Dirk, Jack laughing]
-Ha!
-[blowing]
So long, slowpokes!
Ha! And Quint takes the lead.
[gasps]
End of the world means
Ah! Ugh! Ah!
-[splashing]
-[gurgles]
Free video games!
Whoo-hoo!
[gasps] Ha ha!
[rubbing]
Whoa. Epic!
Is that
Ah-huh!
Battlefort 2 armor?!
Save and protect the entire galaxy.
I am totally taking this!
Just need a way to get it out of here.
Unh! Unh!
Unh-ah!
Unh!
-Ugh!
-[Rover barks]
[panting, whines]
Buddy! Your timing is awesome!
-[panting]
-Ugh.
-And your breath needs work.
-[howls]
[gasps]
[laughs]
-[clinks]
-[laughs]
Huaw! Ya! Ya!
Waa!
[laughs]
[laughing]
-Crazy.
-Oh, man.
Fishing rod.
[video game sounds]
[shutter clicks]
Rover, please carry our loot
back to Big Mama.
[barking]
Well, guys, shall we say, uh,
quest complete?
Now, let's skedaddle.
Uh, I forgot.
[June] That big worm monster
destroyed our way out.
The big worm monster?
Ugh! We gotta
come up with a better name.
Seriously!
Uh, no worries. Plenty of exits.
-[moaning]
-[buzzer]
[buzzer]
-[snarling]
-[buzzer]
Jack! Your quest
has trapped us in the mall
with oodles of super fun zombies!
Uh, yeah, but uh, stuff! Loot!
We got good gear and also fun
while having fun together.
Yeah, if you think dying together's fun.
[sighs] Split up. Look for a way out.
And stay on the walkie.
[Jack] OK, I'll just be here.
Walking in this direction.
[spritzes]
-[zombies moaning]
-[screeching]
Ya! Ugh! Ya! Ugh!
Oh, I hate when brute force
isn't the answer.
Ooh!
[squeaks]
[gasps]
Poor choice. Poor choice!
[squelching]
[wind gusts]
-Ah! Ugh.
-[banging]
Ha-ha! An exit. Yes!
[zombies moaning]
-Hmm.
-[June on walkie] Anyone have any luck?
[Dirk on walkie]
Sure, I found a bunch of ways out.
I just didn't tell anyone.
[Quint on walkie]
I do believe that's sarcasm.
[June on walkie]
I asked a simple question, but no!
[sighs]
Escape or stay here for a family dinner?
Hmm. No question.
[on walkie]
Guys, I found exactly what we need!
[zombies moaning]
[dish breaks]
[Jack]
Exactly what we need!
A family dinner.
We can't quest on empty tummies.
Great! You brought us to the food court,
and we're the buffet!
Jack, we need a way out of here.
It's even better than a way out!
Don't you see?
Our quest just got leveled up.
Now, it's a quest for fun,
by way of eating our way
through the ultimate-endless-
food-court-smorgasbord quest!
[all]
Stop saying quest!
[stomachs growling]
-I could stand to eat.
-Great!
Just need an awesome brilliant strategy
to get down there.
[Quint]
The safest approach would be
first to knock the zombies
out of commission,
-and then
-Not bad,
but I have a better idea.
-What if
-Ah, here we go again.
-What?
-Nothing.
I'm sure your plan will be great.
After all, you know the best way
to do everything.
You know the best way to build a bestiary,
-the best way to
-Dude! That's not what I was
Let me know when you two are done!
-If you would let me finish
-If I let you finish,
you still would be not ever finished!
Please, don't let me get
OK, good discussion. My rushed plan it is.
OK. You know what?
Action hero escalator slide!
No, no, not down the middle!
Ah! Ooh! Ow! Ugh!
Learned that the hard way.
Oof! Oof! Ah! Ah! Ugh!
[Jack]
Um, on second thought,
guys, never mind, terrible plan,
help me right away, no delay ah!
-[June, Quint, Dirk laugh]
-Ah, thanks, guys.
Thanks a lot.
-[zombies moaning]
-[video game sounds]
Hmm.
[video game sounds]
Hmm.
[video game sounds]
Hmm.
Hmm. Hangnail.
What?
We're doing a buddy-buddy-
unspoken-mission-planning thing.
Just tell me when it's time
to do strong guy stuff.
[Jack] Ugh! I'm OK.
Quint! Mood music, please.
[clicks]
-[pop music playing]
-[zombies moaning]
Unh.
-Huh.
-Huh!
-[zombie moans]
-Would you like to drive, m'lady?
Yeah, I would.
Stop trying to be super cool, huh?
But that's the only way
I know how to beeee!
-[zombies moaning]
-[Jack and June laugh]
[spits]
[zombies moaning]
The rope, Quint! Now!
Unh!
Got it!
[zombies moaning]
[zombies moaning]
Nice strategy, dude.
Thanks. Newspaper editor brain.
All about seeing the big picture.
[zombies moaning]
Premature fist-bump, friends!
Remember, we don't hurt the zombies
too bad.
It's not their fault
they're brain nibblers.
-[crunches]
-[Dirk] All right!
Was it time for me to do a thing?
It felt like it was.
Let's eat!
-[zombies moaning]
-[pop music playing]
[chomps]
-Mmm!
-[chomps]
-Unh!
-[Dirk laughs]
-Ya!
-Ugh.
[all laughing]
[all sighing]
Gang, the quest has been completed.
Shall we head back to the treehouse
for video games,
unnecessary dessert,
a possible burp contest,
-and
-Head back?
Wait a minute. How?
We still don't have a way out.
Unless Jack?
Jack?
Did you find a way out?
Jack?
Did you not tell us?
Stop saying, "Jack?"
OK, yes, I found a way out.
-[Quint] I knew it!
-Ugh!
This food court feast was wrapped
-in deceit!
-But in my defense,
I didn't tell you
because I didn't want to ruin the quest!
So instead, you left us
trapped in the mall with zombies?
You were all still arguing! Ow!
Enough with the shoe-throwing already!
Hmph.
OK, there's a clear exit
if we go back upstairs.
[growling]
[rumbling]
Probably just the mall settling.
[roars]
[screeching]
[smashing]
-There goes the exit!
-Again.
[Quint]
And the zombies are free.
Again.
[video game sounds]
[screeching]
-[all] Aah!
-[Quint] Ugh!
A map!
We can find a worm-free exit!
Ugh! Seriously?
You're just thinking of that now?
[June]
There! The department store.
It's the one way we haven't tried yet.
[roars]
New quest.
Escape the worm monster together.
[both]
Shut up, Jack!
Shut up, Jack!
[screeches]
[screeches]
[all panting]
[screeches]
[all panting, grunting]
Go down there!
Yah!
Huh. Ugh!
Unh. Ah! Guys!
Yah! Unh!
[screeches]
-Yah!
-[screeches]
-Look at us, working together.
-[panting]
All it took was a giant monster,
like Blarg.
Of course. That's the key!
We should always be
battling giant monsters.
It still needs a name!
How about Monsieur Big Worm?
How about you put a sock in it
and run faster? [panting]
That's a terrible name.
[all panting and grunting]
Oh, no.
[screeches, roars]
Unh!
Argh!
[screeching]
Jack! What are you doing?
Stay back, behind me.
Dirk! Get that gate open.
I'll try to buy you some time.
-Jack, no!
-It's not safe!
-[June] We should go
-Enough!
No. More. Arguing!
[roars]
[screeching]
Jack!
[screeching]
Uh, yah! Yah!
[screeching]
Unh!
Uhhh!
[roars]
[groaning]
No, no, no, no, no, no! Uh! Huh!
[gasping]
No!
[clangs]
Unh! Come on!
What about all that
hero adrenaline muscle stuff
that's supposed to be happening?
-[giant grunts]
-[Jack] Ah!
-[giant grunts]
-No!
Don't hurt my buddies!
-[giant grunts]
-[Jack] Guys!
Guys, are you OK?
Whoa. What hit us?
Monsieur Big Worm.
[hysterically laughs] You're OK!
Don't pile on the pile.
We're already in a pain pile.
Pain, yes, but also alive.
We are alive, thanks to him.
He punched a hole in the gate
at the last second.
[Jack]
Pouches with beastly thingamabobs.
Bone and skull jewelry.
Maybe not a great sign.
Generally humanoid face.
Complete with monstrously awesome beard.
He smells great too.
[growling, grunting]
I think he's hurt.
Hurt, yes.
But you are OK.
[all gasp]
Oh, my.
You You speak our language?
I speak many languages.
You are human, yes?
Sure are. And what are you?
Your tongue could not form the words.
Oh! Well, do you have, like, a name?
One that my lame sub-par tongue
could form?
Thrull.
Cool!
Why did you save us?
I have followed you.
I saw your doom approaching.
You followed us?
Why didn't you come stomping over earlier?
I saw much fighting in your ranks.
You stank of dispute.
See? You guys hear that?
This cool monster
thinks we stink of dispute.
That's the unhappy vibe we're putting out.
[zombies moaning]
Ohh!
I got the big dude! Come on!
[panting] Ah! Unh! Unh!
[panting] Ah!
This way! Quickly!
Hahh!
Huh?! [gasps]
-[zombies moaning]
-[Dirk] Huh?
-Gotta unlock the door.
-[Dirk] Just force it!
[Thrull growls, grunts]
Whaa!
-[zombies moaning]
-Ah-ha!
-[June] No, Quint.
-[Quint] June!
-Do it like this!
-That is preposterous!
-[Dirk] I don't need you dorks!
-[Quint] My way is best!
-I know science!
-[June] You guys are driving me insane!
Enough! Stop arguing!
We're supposed to be having fun together!
It's the end of the world!
No rules, no bedtimes,
everything is free for the taking,
and all you do is fight!
Waah!
Uh, what? Jack?
We're not arguing, friend!
We're trying to devise a way out!
Oh.
[grunts, growls]
-[crashing]
-[growls]
[screeches]
Spear! There!
Right! I can use the leverage
To pop the door!
Uh! Unh!
[Quint, Dirk, June]
Unh!
Yeah!
[zombies moaning]
[growls]
[panting]
[barks]
Whew!
[groans, grunts]
[laughs] Hey! Way to lose it, Jack.
Grade A freakout, friend!
You scolded zombies. It was weird.
[giggles] Uh, sorry.
Dude, we're gonna disagree sometimes.
We live in a tiny treehouse
at the end of the world!
But we're still going to be buds.
We're friends, friend.
-[video game sounds]
-Yes! Family squabble solved.
And all it took
was a bunch of near-death experiences.
You know, I knew that uhhh?!
Gah!
[growls]
[sniffing] Your weapon.
Your weapon
is the one that felled Kerzueal,
the evil servant of Rezzoch,
the Ancient Destroyer of Worlds.
Who is Kerzueal?
[roars] Blarg!
Oh, Blarg. Oh, yeah, I slayed Blarg.
I slayed Blarg big time.
I knew Blarg.
Uh, it was a team effort, really.
I don't know if one person really
actually slayed him more than another,
or
[groans]
Um, what's happening?
I think this is
a "just go with it," sort of moment.
It takes a great hero
to defeat a creature from my dimension,
to defeat a servant
of Rezzoch the Ancient,
Destructor of Worlds.
Um, thanks?
Wait! Mr. Thrull, sir.
You come from another dimension?
Uh, hold up! Do you, like, know
what caused the monster apocalypse?
I know some, yes.
Portals between our dimensions
appeared where
-[crunches]
-[groans]
-[Quint] Ah!
-[Dirk] Your foot!
-[Jack] Nasty.
-It-It's
It will grow back.
but it is problematic. Help me home.
-Home?
-[groans]
A monster home?
Like a cave?
Or an ancient castle?
Or a time share?
It is called mahajeemahordeoba.
But in your tongue,
I believe it's pronounced
Joe's Pizza.
Joe's Pizza is your home?
We can take you there!
Wait! We didn't capture a photo
of the worm monster the entire day!
And we didn't add a single thing
to the bestiary.
Oh, yeah.
Say "cheese."
Chee Argh!
[pop music playing]
[engine revving]
[sniffs, whimpers]
[barks, pants]
[tires squeal]
-[gasps]
-Whoa!
[monsters chattering]
[growling, groaning]
Come, and have no concerns.
I promise you will encounter
no Wormungulus in here.
Hey, Wormungulus. That's a great name!
Fine, whatever.
-[writing]
-"Wormungulus" it is.
[chuckles] Come on.
[door hinges creak]
[monsters chattering]