The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s02e01 Episode Script
Tim's Beard; Unjustly Neglected Drama
* now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad * * I had lots of luck but it's all been bad * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive * * my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand * * my woman run away with another man * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* - Stu: Tim.
- Tim: Hey, stu.
"making copies!" remember that? - That was funny.
- Rob schneider is hilarious.
- That was good.
- Speaking of copies, - Is the copy machine working? - Yeah, it seems okay.
Oh, 'cause you know what's not working? What's not working? The beard on your face.
That was an elaborate setup just to insult me.
I'm just trying to break it to you gently.
I'm actually getting a lot of compliments on it.
Really? Other guys with beards? People have said, "hey, you grew a beard.
" I took that as a compliment.
- No, it's just a statement of fact.
- This is definitely A more artsy look than you're used to seeing on me.
You'd mistake me for a painter or - Mmm.
- A sculptor maybe.
- Huh-uh.
- Helen: Oh! - Tim: What? - A bum snuck in here And he's making copies on the good paper! Helen, it's tim.
I'm not a bum.
- Disgusting! - Oh, get him out! Get out! - No.
Ow.
Ouch! Security! Security! - See what I mean? - This is crazy.
What's all the hubbub down here? - Hub-- nothing.
- Quick recap: Helen thought tim was a bum, so she attacked him in self-defense.
Good god, look at him.
That's totally understandable.
Excuse me? - Clearly you're going for some vile, filthy, Disgusting street-urchin look.
Am I wrong? - No, come on.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
So maybe-- - you broke up with your girlfriend? She broke up with-- I don't wanna get into the specifics of-- Tim, are you trying to say that right now you look better Than the average homeless person down on the street? - A little bit.
- Really? Considerably, actually, yeah.
- I think I look-- - time to prove a point.
- You, do you work here? - Yes, for several years.
Huh.
- I'm kind of a bottom feeder.
Listen, I want you to go down to the street.
I want you to fetch a homeless person.
I want to compare him to tim.
I'm on it.
- Aren't you busy? - Busy doing this.
- Is this happening? - It is indeed, tim.
Okay, everyone.
Les gather around.
're gonna take an informal poll.
- All: Oh.
- Marie: Who looks worse, Tim or vince? Exhibit a, exhibit b.
- Does vince work here? - no.
Vince panhandles in front of the building - Hello.
And occasionally urinates by the atm machine.
- Oh, I remember him now.
- The urinator! Yeah! - Like the terminator.
- Marie: Okay, let's vote.
- Show of hands.
- Do we really have to? Don't humiliate the guy.
- Rodney: Vince looks better.
- What? Hands down, no contest.
- Tim: Are you joking? - No.
You're saying he looks better than I do? Oh, yeah.
I'd say so.
Leather shoes, jacket.
He could slaughter some broads in a club with that look.
No.
- Stu: At least vince is wearing khakis, tim.
You're wearing ripped jeans, and if I'm not mistaken, That's a braided belt you're wearing.
a braided belt.
No, this-- first of all, the rips cost extra.
The braided belt was a gift.
- What? - From woody harrelson? I find my jes in trashcans And if they're ripped I toss 'em back.
As you should, vince.
As you should.
Just for a little sensitivity, I'm going through a hard time.
Yeah, maybe I let myself go and grew-- Listen, tim, we're sensitive to your situation.
You're sensitive? You made me stand on a bucket.
We're just simply concluding here that you look worse Than the urine-stained homeless man.
Back to work.
So stu's not the bottom of the barrel anymore.
- What just happened? - Thank you both, gentlemen.
Oh, my pleasure.
It's really nice and warm in here.
Your heating bills must be through the roof.
Standard indoor temperature.
Actually, it is kind of a problem.
Our heating bills are a little too high.
Is it? Is it? Get ready, I have an idea.
- Bang, shoot.
- No.
Bang bang.
Tell people to wear layers- like three pairs of socks.
And then just rub vaseline all over their faces.
Then you won't have to turn the heat up so high.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
Then- no.
Won't have to t- that could work.
High.
Multiple socks and vaseline rubbed on - Their faces.
- And their necks.
Tim, why didn't you think of tt? Why didn't I think of that? 'cause that's - Something an insane person would say.
- Tim, listen to me.
You are mumbling.
- What am I doing? - Vince: You're mumbling.
- I'm mumbling? - Vince: Never mumble.
- Tim: No.
- People think you're crazy.
Then they take you downtown and they turn the hose on you.
Is that what you want, tim? - Who does what? - Do you want the hose? Vince, I'm impressed- your entire demeanor.
Would you consider coming on here as a consultant? Um, just give me a second.
I would entertain the idea.
- Entertain it.
- He would entertain the idea.
- I'd think about it.
- What else are you doing? - Boss: Playing hardball.
- What do you mean, what else am I doing? He's entertaining it, tim.
Please don't push him.
I don't wanna lose this fish.
He's on the hook.
Over here.
Tim, it's not a bird.
It's me, it's stu.
- What do you want? - Well I overheard the bigwigs talking.
Yeah? - Okay, the only words I could make out were "tim," "beard," "loser" and "can the guy.
" That could mean anything.
Really? - Out of context, you don't know what-- They might have been saying, "hey, can the guy look any better?" What are the chances of that, tim? "can the beard Make him look like less of a loser?" It doesn't sound like something they'd be talking about.
I can't picture it.
- Thank you, that's all I was waiting for.
Do you wanna lose your job? - I don't.
- Then shave the beard.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna shave it.
- Tim: Hey, there.
- Hey.
Don't look now, but someone shaved.
- Don't look now is right.
- Check-- - What does that mean? - You look like a house.
- I'm? - Fat.
Fat? No, I shaved.
I look good now.
Well, that's the point- you shaved the beard And revealed how fat you really are.
No no.
I might have gained a pound.
You're becoming worse looking by the second.
A pound, really? What in your neck? My neck doesn't even weigh - Tim, take a seat.
- That much.
And take it easy.
Your heart might not be able to stand A swift move into a chair.
Now look.
- This is crazy.
- Don't take this the wrong way, But we are thinking about replacing you with vince, - The homeless guy.
- Don't take that the wrong way? He just gives off this energy, you know? - Even his name-- - no.
His name instills confidence.
"vince.
" right? "vince.
" it's like a cologne.
What about tim? If you say my name like that with the-- Tim.
No, it doesn't sound good.
This is not fair.
Honestly, I'm going through some personal stuff.
Once I start dating again, I'm sure I'll be fine.
Okay, and when is that going to happen? Whenever I deem it to be the appropriate time.
Well, tim, I gotta be honest with you.
Right.
- If you were dating, at least I'd feel A little bit like you're back on the right track, you know? Well, trust me, come on.
If I wanted a date, I'd have one lined up in 10 minutes.
No, I didn't mean literally the next 10 minutes.
- I need proof then.
- What do you mean? I need photographic proof That you are actually back on track in the dating world.
- A photograph of me and-- - of you and the lady.
Just like sitting on a bench or-- Maybe, holding hands, kissing her neck.
- No.
- Stroking her buttocks.
- It's a first date.
- Bang.
Done.
Bang.
Done? Yeah, that's the end of the meeting.
When I say "bang" it's over.
You don't know that by now? Let's do it again.
One more.
Bang.
You're still here.
Do you need help out of the chair? What's the problem? - Tim: Hey, there, kate.
- Hi.
I was wondering if you might want to grab a drink tonight.
- Are you asking me out? - Mm-hmm.
Eww.
Gross! Gross! - Gross? - Gross! Seriously.
Ugh.
- Hey, dawn.
- Oh, hey, tim.
Listen, I don't know if you're into vietnamese food-- Awkward.
I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, I didn't know.
- But even if I didn't, I'd say no.
Okay.
- Yeah.
If I were alone on an island-- Okay, have you ever seen "lost"? They wouldn't even have a vietnamese restaurant there.
Okay, well, I guess you've been to every island.
This is why I'd say no.
- So, tina, I was-- - no.
- I didn't ask anything.
- No.
- I shaved the beard.
- Never gonna happen.
- Oh, what a day.
- That's why I have the mug That says "what a day" on it.
- What's going on, man? - I need to find a date.
Coming to stu for dating tips? Exactly.
You are in trouble, my friend.
- Hey, yo! - Oh, hey, vince.
- Dating tips? - No, I'm good.
I've got plenty.
Numero uno: Women like to be scared.
No.
- You gotta crouch behind something like a bush, Wait for them to walk by and then you jump out of nowhere And you say, "boo! I gotcha!" - That's a tip? - Yup, it's a very good tip.
A dating tip? - Works for me every single time.
But, hey, not everyone can pull it off.
stu: He's got some good ideas.
- That's a good idea? - Listen.
Crouch? - You're never gonna find another girl like amy, So stop trying and admit that you're in the b league now.
I'm in a different league? Yeah, the grapefruit league.
You're playing florida single-a ball.
It's just you and a bunch of nicaraguans.
Where does this leave me? It means that you need to ask out gladys.
- Hey, gladys.
- Oh, hey.
Listen, uh I wanted to know if you wanna go on a date with me.
Marsha is in the next cubicle.
No, I wanted to ask you.
You're the one I have set my sights on.
- Yes.
- Yes? That's good.
You wanna meet me after work? - Yes! Just gonna kinda slap some talcum powder on the old pits and-- Yeah, uh, at 5:00? 5:00? Why'd you have to tell me that? We're on the date.
- Mmm, yeah.
- Me and gladys.
And my big corn dog.
Mmm, I bet you like that, huh? - Don't do that.
Don't do that.
I don't need to see that.
sorry.
Listen, gladys.
I gotta confess something.
Okay.
- This isn't what you'd call a real date.
It's kind of a work event So let's just make it a good5-minute jaunt To the hot dog stand - is that what the kids are calling it? A jaunt to the hot dog-- - no, they're not.
They're not.
They're not.
This is just the best night of my life.
This is the best? This is the pinnacle? Yeah, pretty much.
I'm just out on a date Like normal people! Just having a corn dog with my boyfriend.
Hey, blondie! You a little jealous here? Yeah, you're skinny and you're alone.
Whoo! vince, that's such a good name.
- It's like a soap opera.
- Right, or a television hero.
- Well, that's a soap opera.
- Let's cut right to the chase here.
Tim is fighting for his job, vince.
Yes yes.
- But even if he gets his act together, That fat bearded slob just can't compete with you.
I mean, I didn't wanna say it.
I just didn't wanna say it, but that man is green.
That's it.
He's green.
You've nailed it again.
Mm-hmm.
- So I feel kinda bad about doing this, Yet at the same time I don't really care.
I'd like to offer you tim's job.
That's amazing.
I'm the new tim.
- How do you feel about drinking expensive scotch with the boss? I would expect nothing less.
- To the new tim.
- Let's get drunk.
Oh, thank you.
Now let's talk shop, fellow co-worker.
Well, I'm still the boss.
What exactly am I in charge of? Who's under me? Uh, I mean, you're- you're in charge of-- You're in charge of the mail.
Well, those aren't people.
Uh, tim, he makes the coffee.
Um, he's a glorified assistant, if you will.
- Oh, well, that "assistant" word really turned me off.
That's kinda demeaning, don't you think? Well, not to a guy who was a bum about six hours ago.
Yeah, I'm gonna stick with that, all things considered.
- What, being a homeless guy? - Yeah.
And by the way, we don't really like that phrase "homeless.
" - Oh.
- We prefer "hobo.
" Homeless sounds like you're without a home.
Hobo is happy.
Hobo carries a stick with a red bag.
I'm a hobo.
God, I respect him.
- Tim.
- Gladys.
* getting on the f train, going downtown if I'm lucky.
* I'm glad you're enjoying the date, but, um-- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, tim, magic.
Listen, while we're down here, can we just take a quick photo? I just wanna be able to prove to my friends and colleagues That this actually happened.
A photo? - I don't think people will believe it to be honest.
Ooh, I like where this is going.
- I like this a lot.
- It's not going anywhere.
Excuse me! Could you take a quick photo Of me and my boyfriend here? - Yeah, no problem.
- Quick snapshot.
- Cute couple.
- Oh, thank you.
- Snap it off.
- One, two, three.
Cheese.
- What was that.
- Man: Wow.
- Why did you do that? - That was good.
No, we don't need the boob.
We don't need the boob.
- I thought it was kinda nice.
- Gladys: Yeah.
No, it dominates the shot.
How about this-- why don't you just pull your top up completely? - What are you doing? - Don't cover your face though.
Pout for me, show me both boobs.
- How's this? - You got it.
Who is this guy? - Wow, your nipples are really hard.
This is gonna be great.
One, two You really gotta stop saying the word nipples.
- Three.
- Don't look scared, tim.
- I am scared.
- What about some role play? - Gladys: I love role play.
- Tim: We're in a public place.
- Hey, who here - Tim: Give me the camera.
- Wants to see - Lower your voice.
- This lady - We don't need the photo.
Crouch down like a cat and lick this guy's face - Like a bowl of milk? - Tim: No one wants-- What's wrong with you people? - Okay, lap it up.
- Tim: Lap it up? No, don't lap it up.
Don't lap it up.
Please.
One, two - Okay, I'll stick my tongue like this.
A little bit more like a bowl of milk, sir.
- How do I do that? - And three.
No way.
Hey, amy! Let's call off the photo.
Tim, what are you doing? What am I doing? Just hanging out, you know? Waiting for the trains.
These trains-- They're so unpredictable.
Uh, I don't know if this is a weird time, If you wanna get back together.
Gladys and I have only been going out for one night.
- Tim - Is that a-- hold on, I got a call.
I got a business call coming in here.
Tim here.
Talk to me.
Tim, it's the boss.
I got great news for you.
Yeah? - Vince, no longer in contention for your job.
That's amazing.
What happened? Did he freak out? He did something nuts? No, god, he makes a lot of sense.
He just found your job way too demeaning.
So you're still here.
- Demeaning? - Yeah, just, you know, Monkey work, whatever.
Too easy for him.
- That's under-- okay.
- See you Monday.
- See you Monday.
- Bang.
Oh, that's the momentum shifter we were waiting for.
Who was that? There were gonna replace me with a homeless guy.
They were gonna fire me and bring him in, But it sounds like he passed.
And that's great news for you these days? Take what you can t.
Tim, one.
Homeless community, zilch.
I'm back on top.
I'm back.
Whoo-hoo! * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* - Stu: Yello.
- Hey, it's me.
What's up, buddy? Oh, hey, I was going in.
Yeah, you need to get buzzed in.
I was.
I was reaching for the door.
The buzz was happening.
Nope.
- You opened the door during the buzz.
I'm still riding through on that buzz in.
Listen, if I open that door I might as well invite in all the filth That roams on these streets at night.
Now you're just insulting me.
How do I know that you're not gonna just stab me? - I promise not to? - Just give up.
- Holy shit.
- I'm not gonna let you in.
I'm buzzing stu.
Just keep moving.
Buzz it up.
- You're gonna stand there while I do it? Yeah.
- How you doing? - Shut up.
Are you kidding me with the double buzz? Let me in.
You've got an overzealous neighbor here.
Oh.
- What's up, danny? - Stu-doodly-doo.
- Yeah! - How's it going, bro? Quick personality turnaround there.
Good, man.
Thank you for keeping the building safe.
Absolutely.
You're good to go, buddy.
What a creepfest that guy was.
- Who, danny rockefeller? - He's a rockefeller.
Rockefellers shouldn't be living in this building.
Well, he keeps my building safe and I appreciate his vigilance.
We've got to order some food here.
I am starving.
Mm, if I'm gonna eat, I kind of need to get super baked first.
It's the only way I can get an appetite.
- I'm just gonna call my- - - not a healthy way to live your life.
Well, I'm not the one who got kicked out of my apartment.
- Let's order the food first.
- Let's order the weed first.
I just have to page my dealer so he can call me back And I can tell him I wanna buy some tickets.
- He still has a pager? - Yeah.
- No one has pagers anymore.
- Pot dealers and doctors-- The two most important people in america.
Chipper, this is tim.
You guys have met before, right? No.
- Yeah, we met a long time ago.
I was in college.
We were in college.
Well, I was living near the college.
I wasn't in college.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Wow, you're still doing this.
Yeah, still dealing pot.
- I thought you were going into architecture.
Yeah, I was thinking about it a long time ago.
Didn't pan out.
Didn't go to school or take any classes? No, I didn't do any of that, but it worked out for the best.
I've got a lot going on.
I'm excited to tell you about it.
A lot going on.
Which brings me to the reason I came.
Your tickets, sir.
What is-- what is this? They're for the play I'm in.
It's an unjustly neglected drama from the '40s.
Didn't you get my flyer? Didn't you get my call for pot? Oh, I see what happened.
When you said tickets, I thought you meant tickets for the show.
No, when I said tickets, I meant the code word We've been using for pot for the last eight years.
Oh well, that was a mix-up.
I've got to interject.
I think tickets is a bad code word If you're an actor and a pot dealer.
All right.
It was probably just wishful thinking, Imagining a client would wanna see me on stage.
Stupid.
I shouldn't have-- okay, I'm gonna get out of here.
You know what? Just looking at this leaflet, This actually looks pretty darn good.
It does, doesn't it? We should think about this.
It's called "season of death.
" - Yeah.
- Stu, think about it.
Think about it.
Seriously, listen to him.
Think about it.
Please, you come to the show.
I'll have the weed with me there.
This is a good play too.
It's like an arthur miller play but it's much slower.
Fine, I'll go.
- Oh, you're gonna go to the show! - We're going to the theater.
- I'll see you at the show! All right.
There's an upbeat drug dealer.
Okay, what the fuck were you thinking? I just felt bad for the guy.
This is not a precedent you wanna set with your drug dealer, okay? Now I have to go to his stupid play.
Let's just hope it's good.
Maybe we'll have a fun night.
I saw things in the war.
Things I don't wanna talk about.
You have to forget all that stuff.
You have to forget all that stuff that ever happened.
Well, what about what happened here when I was gone? Oh, god, jesus.
You have to forget that too.
We all have to forget And forget and forget.
Did you hear me? You have to forget that ever happened.
You know, in germany, I heard a rumor that the nazis had a weapon, A gas that could cause amnesia.
This is where it gets good.
Rumor turned out to be false.
- What? It was just a box labeled nazi gas.
That would have been a good plot point to pursue.
I can't believe this is still the first act.
- Oh, man.
- This play is beastly.
Maybe you just don't appreciate good theater.
Oh, I know good theater.
I didn't complain when I saw "starlight express.
" This is intermission.
Behave like someone at intermission.
I'm fucking itchy.
- You really need your pot, don't you? Well, what the fuck do you think we're doing here, tim? - Shh.
- No! No quiet for me.
You've become a different person.
You don't realize, the last 15 years we've hung out, I've been baked the whole time.
You've been baked the whole time we've been friends? Nighttime, daytime, midday.
- This is the real stu? - This is the real stu.
- You like this stu? - They're about to start.
Let's get back in.
Let's try to enjoy the play.
let's try to enjoy the play.
Oh, I'm tim.
Let's try to enjoy the play.
- I need to go.
- Where? Back to a time before any of this happened.
To a place where nazi gas really exists.
But what about me? What about your friends? - Damn it! - You're not my friend.
You're not anything to me.
Oh, my god, did he just shoot himself? - I hope so.
- That's how it ends? They should give out guns to the audience.
* when johnny comes marching home again * - No no.
- * hurrah hurrah * Close the curtain.
- * we'll give him a hearty welcome then * - * hurrah hurrah * - this can't be happening.
* the men will cheer and the boys will shout * - oh my god! * the ladies, they will all turn out * * and we'll all feel gay when johnny comes marching home.
* I'm getting up, I'm walking away.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you! - Thanks for coming.
- Thank you so much.
- Chipper: So you liked it? - Oh, so good.
Four hours of entertainment.
Awesome.
That's what we were shooting for.
So solid.
- I just have to ask.
What about me? Did you like me? - You in particular? Yeah, you were good.
Did you believe when I gave birth at the bus stop with that plastic baby? I did.
That was a plastic baby? I thought you gave birth.
what about me? Did you like my posture? - It was pretty good.
- I tried to make it authoritative.
You're all good.
- Really? Because I think I was a little off tonight.
- No no, you were good.
- Is there anything different - We should be doing? - We value constructive criticism.
None of us trust the director.
Yes.
Yeah.
If you-- if you wanna know Yes, we do.
Please! - Tear us apart.
- I would love some honesty.
Don't open this door, tim.
You could probably cut two hours out of it.
- That's a funny joke.
- Chipper:A theatergoer joke.
You could lose 90% of the dialogue.
Oh, so you're being serious right now? I'm gonna give you some feedback.
I looked into the audience, I thought you were shitty audience members.
If katharine hepburn was here she would have kicked you in the face.
Katharine hepburn was a lady.
You're just saying the words katharine hepburn.
You probably don't even know who she is.
We were gonna go to a greek restaurant right now.
- You're not invited.
- I was gonna invite you guys, - But I'm not anymore.
- Is it always this dramatic? Watch this, tim.
Guys, the play was great.
- Thank you.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
We're going to this greek restaurant.
I wasn't lying about that.
Why don't you guys come there, talk more about how much you love the play? I'll drive you in my dodge dart.
Chipper, you're killing me.
Can we please do this? Can we do-- can we do, uh You know, I don't have it on me.
Let's go to the restaurant.
We'll deal with it there.
I'll give you the tickets there.
- Chipper, we're not friends.
- Yes we are.
I shouldn't have to come to this play.
I'm definitely not coming to the restaurant.
You know what? I'm gonna quit pot.
That's how strongly I feel about never having to do anything like this again.
What is this a scene from? All right.
All right, stu, duly noted.
Duly noted.
Tim? - Hey.
- Look me in the eyes.
- I am.
- What about us? - What about? - Are we friends? - Friends? - Don't look at stu.
Look at me.
Look at your-- I'm not gonna say it, but look at your friend, man.
- Aren't we friends? - Since this morning? Uh No.
I gotta side with stu probably.
I'm gonna go with no.
You know, what, tim? - Yeah? - I don't miss pot at all.
That's good to hear.
Now we just have to hope that nothing great or bad Or boring happens, because those seem to be my main triggers.
hold on a second.
What's going on? Oh my god.
- Tim: Excuse me.
- Listen guys, keep it moving.
Keep it moving.
Nothing's happening here.
I live in the building.
Listen, I'm not gonna tell you what's going on upstairs, But the rich guy upstairs went crazy.
He killed his date.
Oh no.
- He cut her skin into paper dolls.
Wait a second.
A rich guy? - A rich guy did it? - Rich guy.
You're not talking about danny rockefeller, are you? - You know the guy? - Of course I know the guy.
- Oh my god, I called it! - You called the crime? This morning I said the guy's creepy.
Oh, yeah? Hey, this guy over here Says he knew the killer was suspicious.
Oh, really? And you didn't warn anybody about that? You had foreknowledge of his suspicious nature and you didn't do anything? I knew he was capable of doing something weird someday.
I'm not gonna warn anybody.
Capable of doing something weird someday.
That's interesting you should say that.
- Why? That's exactly what mr.
Rockefeller said about you.
Things just got interestinger.
All right, you two, I'm gonna play a little game I like to call good murderer, bad murderer.
That's not a game.
- Danny, what caught your eye about tim earlier today? You said he was weird and all, why? Well, he just looks like a bag of shit.
What? - Tim, what makes you think danny is the murderer? He's clearly just murdered someone.
- Is that so clear? - It's in his apartment.
He has a skull lamp.
- That's a real skull.
- I bought that in florida.
- Detective: Okay.
- I love florida.
- All right, let's talk alibis.
- Tim: Oh my god.
Let's talk whereabouts while the crime was being committed.
Where were you tonight, danny? - I was at the laundromat.
Those are the quarters I didn't use.
Okay, thank you.
That's a good example of something concrete.
Quarters that did not get used.
Tim.
- Yeah? Where were you tonight? Here murdering this girl or someplace else? I was at a-- at the theater.
The theater? - A play called " seasons of death.
" I don't know anybody who's ever been to a play.
Do you, danny? You know anybody who's ever been to a play? I'm not a theatergoer myself.
Thank you.
Me neither.
Why would you? - You have a television? - My friend is in the play.
Ah! But do we believe you? Aha, that is the question.
Let me ask you this: - What was your friend's name? - Chipper.
You're just saying that 'cause I'm eating a bag of chips right now, aren't you? Those are doritos.
They're not chips.
They're chips.
These are nacho chips.
My theory of how you came up with the name is solid.
Book him.
- I'll decide when to book him.
- What's chipper's last name? - He just go by chipper.
So he's a good enough friend to see in a play, But he's not a good enough friend to know his last name? The guy is at a greek restaurant nearby.
- You wanna go talk to him? - Love to go talk to him.
Oh, perfect.
That's the group I was with.
- Mm-hm.
- My acting friends.
The guy at the end is my buddy chipper.
Okay, excuse me, sir.
I need to clear up a little bit of information.
Is this man your friend? Hey, pal.
No.
He's not my friend.
- No? - He's not anything to me.
Okay.
- That's the last line of the play.
That's a line from the play that you're in, sir? I'm trying to find out if you two are friends.
Don't go throwing lines from a play at me.
And I am telling you he's not my friend! - Wow.
- He's not anything to me! I love how he left his mouth hanging open.
What am I supposed to do with you? Yes or no, are you two friends? - Tim: Yes.
- No.
- Okay.
- He's not my friend.
Don't say the line.
Please don't say the line.
- He's not anything to me.
- I believe it even less now.
I don't care 'cause you're not my friend.
- All right, I'm not gonna get an answer.
- You're not anything to me.
I saw charles nelson reilly do that, - And you did it better.
- Chipper: Thank you.
* these shabby shoes I'm wearing all the time * * are full of holes and nails * * and brother, if I stepped on a worn-out dime * * I bet a nickel I could tell you * * if it was heads or tails * * I'm not gonna worry, wrinkles in my brow * * 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right no how * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
*
* - Stu: Tim.
- Tim: Hey, stu.
"making copies!" remember that? - That was funny.
- Rob schneider is hilarious.
- That was good.
- Speaking of copies, - Is the copy machine working? - Yeah, it seems okay.
Oh, 'cause you know what's not working? What's not working? The beard on your face.
That was an elaborate setup just to insult me.
I'm just trying to break it to you gently.
I'm actually getting a lot of compliments on it.
Really? Other guys with beards? People have said, "hey, you grew a beard.
" I took that as a compliment.
- No, it's just a statement of fact.
- This is definitely A more artsy look than you're used to seeing on me.
You'd mistake me for a painter or - Mmm.
- A sculptor maybe.
- Huh-uh.
- Helen: Oh! - Tim: What? - A bum snuck in here And he's making copies on the good paper! Helen, it's tim.
I'm not a bum.
- Disgusting! - Oh, get him out! Get out! - No.
Ow.
Ouch! Security! Security! - See what I mean? - This is crazy.
What's all the hubbub down here? - Hub-- nothing.
- Quick recap: Helen thought tim was a bum, so she attacked him in self-defense.
Good god, look at him.
That's totally understandable.
Excuse me? - Clearly you're going for some vile, filthy, Disgusting street-urchin look.
Am I wrong? - No, come on.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
So maybe-- - you broke up with your girlfriend? She broke up with-- I don't wanna get into the specifics of-- Tim, are you trying to say that right now you look better Than the average homeless person down on the street? - A little bit.
- Really? Considerably, actually, yeah.
- I think I look-- - time to prove a point.
- You, do you work here? - Yes, for several years.
Huh.
- I'm kind of a bottom feeder.
Listen, I want you to go down to the street.
I want you to fetch a homeless person.
I want to compare him to tim.
I'm on it.
- Aren't you busy? - Busy doing this.
- Is this happening? - It is indeed, tim.
Okay, everyone.
Les gather around.
're gonna take an informal poll.
- All: Oh.
- Marie: Who looks worse, Tim or vince? Exhibit a, exhibit b.
- Does vince work here? - no.
Vince panhandles in front of the building - Hello.
And occasionally urinates by the atm machine.
- Oh, I remember him now.
- The urinator! Yeah! - Like the terminator.
- Marie: Okay, let's vote.
- Show of hands.
- Do we really have to? Don't humiliate the guy.
- Rodney: Vince looks better.
- What? Hands down, no contest.
- Tim: Are you joking? - No.
You're saying he looks better than I do? Oh, yeah.
I'd say so.
Leather shoes, jacket.
He could slaughter some broads in a club with that look.
No.
- Stu: At least vince is wearing khakis, tim.
You're wearing ripped jeans, and if I'm not mistaken, That's a braided belt you're wearing.
a braided belt.
No, this-- first of all, the rips cost extra.
The braided belt was a gift.
- What? - From woody harrelson? I find my jes in trashcans And if they're ripped I toss 'em back.
As you should, vince.
As you should.
Just for a little sensitivity, I'm going through a hard time.
Yeah, maybe I let myself go and grew-- Listen, tim, we're sensitive to your situation.
You're sensitive? You made me stand on a bucket.
We're just simply concluding here that you look worse Than the urine-stained homeless man.
Back to work.
So stu's not the bottom of the barrel anymore.
- What just happened? - Thank you both, gentlemen.
Oh, my pleasure.
It's really nice and warm in here.
Your heating bills must be through the roof.
Standard indoor temperature.
Actually, it is kind of a problem.
Our heating bills are a little too high.
Is it? Is it? Get ready, I have an idea.
- Bang, shoot.
- No.
Bang bang.
Tell people to wear layers- like three pairs of socks.
And then just rub vaseline all over their faces.
Then you won't have to turn the heat up so high.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
Then- no.
Won't have to t- that could work.
High.
Multiple socks and vaseline rubbed on - Their faces.
- And their necks.
Tim, why didn't you think of tt? Why didn't I think of that? 'cause that's - Something an insane person would say.
- Tim, listen to me.
You are mumbling.
- What am I doing? - Vince: You're mumbling.
- I'm mumbling? - Vince: Never mumble.
- Tim: No.
- People think you're crazy.
Then they take you downtown and they turn the hose on you.
Is that what you want, tim? - Who does what? - Do you want the hose? Vince, I'm impressed- your entire demeanor.
Would you consider coming on here as a consultant? Um, just give me a second.
I would entertain the idea.
- Entertain it.
- He would entertain the idea.
- I'd think about it.
- What else are you doing? - Boss: Playing hardball.
- What do you mean, what else am I doing? He's entertaining it, tim.
Please don't push him.
I don't wanna lose this fish.
He's on the hook.
Over here.
Tim, it's not a bird.
It's me, it's stu.
- What do you want? - Well I overheard the bigwigs talking.
Yeah? - Okay, the only words I could make out were "tim," "beard," "loser" and "can the guy.
" That could mean anything.
Really? - Out of context, you don't know what-- They might have been saying, "hey, can the guy look any better?" What are the chances of that, tim? "can the beard Make him look like less of a loser?" It doesn't sound like something they'd be talking about.
I can't picture it.
- Thank you, that's all I was waiting for.
Do you wanna lose your job? - I don't.
- Then shave the beard.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna shave it.
- Tim: Hey, there.
- Hey.
Don't look now, but someone shaved.
- Don't look now is right.
- Check-- - What does that mean? - You look like a house.
- I'm? - Fat.
Fat? No, I shaved.
I look good now.
Well, that's the point- you shaved the beard And revealed how fat you really are.
No no.
I might have gained a pound.
You're becoming worse looking by the second.
A pound, really? What in your neck? My neck doesn't even weigh - Tim, take a seat.
- That much.
And take it easy.
Your heart might not be able to stand A swift move into a chair.
Now look.
- This is crazy.
- Don't take this the wrong way, But we are thinking about replacing you with vince, - The homeless guy.
- Don't take that the wrong way? He just gives off this energy, you know? - Even his name-- - no.
His name instills confidence.
"vince.
" right? "vince.
" it's like a cologne.
What about tim? If you say my name like that with the-- Tim.
No, it doesn't sound good.
This is not fair.
Honestly, I'm going through some personal stuff.
Once I start dating again, I'm sure I'll be fine.
Okay, and when is that going to happen? Whenever I deem it to be the appropriate time.
Well, tim, I gotta be honest with you.
Right.
- If you were dating, at least I'd feel A little bit like you're back on the right track, you know? Well, trust me, come on.
If I wanted a date, I'd have one lined up in 10 minutes.
No, I didn't mean literally the next 10 minutes.
- I need proof then.
- What do you mean? I need photographic proof That you are actually back on track in the dating world.
- A photograph of me and-- - of you and the lady.
Just like sitting on a bench or-- Maybe, holding hands, kissing her neck.
- No.
- Stroking her buttocks.
- It's a first date.
- Bang.
Done.
Bang.
Done? Yeah, that's the end of the meeting.
When I say "bang" it's over.
You don't know that by now? Let's do it again.
One more.
Bang.
You're still here.
Do you need help out of the chair? What's the problem? - Tim: Hey, there, kate.
- Hi.
I was wondering if you might want to grab a drink tonight.
- Are you asking me out? - Mm-hmm.
Eww.
Gross! Gross! - Gross? - Gross! Seriously.
Ugh.
- Hey, dawn.
- Oh, hey, tim.
Listen, I don't know if you're into vietnamese food-- Awkward.
I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, I didn't know.
- But even if I didn't, I'd say no.
Okay.
- Yeah.
If I were alone on an island-- Okay, have you ever seen "lost"? They wouldn't even have a vietnamese restaurant there.
Okay, well, I guess you've been to every island.
This is why I'd say no.
- So, tina, I was-- - no.
- I didn't ask anything.
- No.
- I shaved the beard.
- Never gonna happen.
- Oh, what a day.
- That's why I have the mug That says "what a day" on it.
- What's going on, man? - I need to find a date.
Coming to stu for dating tips? Exactly.
You are in trouble, my friend.
- Hey, yo! - Oh, hey, vince.
- Dating tips? - No, I'm good.
I've got plenty.
Numero uno: Women like to be scared.
No.
- You gotta crouch behind something like a bush, Wait for them to walk by and then you jump out of nowhere And you say, "boo! I gotcha!" - That's a tip? - Yup, it's a very good tip.
A dating tip? - Works for me every single time.
But, hey, not everyone can pull it off.
stu: He's got some good ideas.
- That's a good idea? - Listen.
Crouch? - You're never gonna find another girl like amy, So stop trying and admit that you're in the b league now.
I'm in a different league? Yeah, the grapefruit league.
You're playing florida single-a ball.
It's just you and a bunch of nicaraguans.
Where does this leave me? It means that you need to ask out gladys.
- Hey, gladys.
- Oh, hey.
Listen, uh I wanted to know if you wanna go on a date with me.
Marsha is in the next cubicle.
No, I wanted to ask you.
You're the one I have set my sights on.
- Yes.
- Yes? That's good.
You wanna meet me after work? - Yes! Just gonna kinda slap some talcum powder on the old pits and-- Yeah, uh, at 5:00? 5:00? Why'd you have to tell me that? We're on the date.
- Mmm, yeah.
- Me and gladys.
And my big corn dog.
Mmm, I bet you like that, huh? - Don't do that.
Don't do that.
I don't need to see that.
sorry.
Listen, gladys.
I gotta confess something.
Okay.
- This isn't what you'd call a real date.
It's kind of a work event So let's just make it a good5-minute jaunt To the hot dog stand - is that what the kids are calling it? A jaunt to the hot dog-- - no, they're not.
They're not.
They're not.
This is just the best night of my life.
This is the best? This is the pinnacle? Yeah, pretty much.
I'm just out on a date Like normal people! Just having a corn dog with my boyfriend.
Hey, blondie! You a little jealous here? Yeah, you're skinny and you're alone.
Whoo! vince, that's such a good name.
- It's like a soap opera.
- Right, or a television hero.
- Well, that's a soap opera.
- Let's cut right to the chase here.
Tim is fighting for his job, vince.
Yes yes.
- But even if he gets his act together, That fat bearded slob just can't compete with you.
I mean, I didn't wanna say it.
I just didn't wanna say it, but that man is green.
That's it.
He's green.
You've nailed it again.
Mm-hmm.
- So I feel kinda bad about doing this, Yet at the same time I don't really care.
I'd like to offer you tim's job.
That's amazing.
I'm the new tim.
- How do you feel about drinking expensive scotch with the boss? I would expect nothing less.
- To the new tim.
- Let's get drunk.
Oh, thank you.
Now let's talk shop, fellow co-worker.
Well, I'm still the boss.
What exactly am I in charge of? Who's under me? Uh, I mean, you're- you're in charge of-- You're in charge of the mail.
Well, those aren't people.
Uh, tim, he makes the coffee.
Um, he's a glorified assistant, if you will.
- Oh, well, that "assistant" word really turned me off.
That's kinda demeaning, don't you think? Well, not to a guy who was a bum about six hours ago.
Yeah, I'm gonna stick with that, all things considered.
- What, being a homeless guy? - Yeah.
And by the way, we don't really like that phrase "homeless.
" - Oh.
- We prefer "hobo.
" Homeless sounds like you're without a home.
Hobo is happy.
Hobo carries a stick with a red bag.
I'm a hobo.
God, I respect him.
- Tim.
- Gladys.
* getting on the f train, going downtown if I'm lucky.
* I'm glad you're enjoying the date, but, um-- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, tim, magic.
Listen, while we're down here, can we just take a quick photo? I just wanna be able to prove to my friends and colleagues That this actually happened.
A photo? - I don't think people will believe it to be honest.
Ooh, I like where this is going.
- I like this a lot.
- It's not going anywhere.
Excuse me! Could you take a quick photo Of me and my boyfriend here? - Yeah, no problem.
- Quick snapshot.
- Cute couple.
- Oh, thank you.
- Snap it off.
- One, two, three.
Cheese.
- What was that.
- Man: Wow.
- Why did you do that? - That was good.
No, we don't need the boob.
We don't need the boob.
- I thought it was kinda nice.
- Gladys: Yeah.
No, it dominates the shot.
How about this-- why don't you just pull your top up completely? - What are you doing? - Don't cover your face though.
Pout for me, show me both boobs.
- How's this? - You got it.
Who is this guy? - Wow, your nipples are really hard.
This is gonna be great.
One, two You really gotta stop saying the word nipples.
- Three.
- Don't look scared, tim.
- I am scared.
- What about some role play? - Gladys: I love role play.
- Tim: We're in a public place.
- Hey, who here - Tim: Give me the camera.
- Wants to see - Lower your voice.
- This lady - We don't need the photo.
Crouch down like a cat and lick this guy's face - Like a bowl of milk? - Tim: No one wants-- What's wrong with you people? - Okay, lap it up.
- Tim: Lap it up? No, don't lap it up.
Don't lap it up.
Please.
One, two - Okay, I'll stick my tongue like this.
A little bit more like a bowl of milk, sir.
- How do I do that? - And three.
No way.
Hey, amy! Let's call off the photo.
Tim, what are you doing? What am I doing? Just hanging out, you know? Waiting for the trains.
These trains-- They're so unpredictable.
Uh, I don't know if this is a weird time, If you wanna get back together.
Gladys and I have only been going out for one night.
- Tim - Is that a-- hold on, I got a call.
I got a business call coming in here.
Tim here.
Talk to me.
Tim, it's the boss.
I got great news for you.
Yeah? - Vince, no longer in contention for your job.
That's amazing.
What happened? Did he freak out? He did something nuts? No, god, he makes a lot of sense.
He just found your job way too demeaning.
So you're still here.
- Demeaning? - Yeah, just, you know, Monkey work, whatever.
Too easy for him.
- That's under-- okay.
- See you Monday.
- See you Monday.
- Bang.
Oh, that's the momentum shifter we were waiting for.
Who was that? There were gonna replace me with a homeless guy.
They were gonna fire me and bring him in, But it sounds like he passed.
And that's great news for you these days? Take what you can t.
Tim, one.
Homeless community, zilch.
I'm back on top.
I'm back.
Whoo-hoo! * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* - Stu: Yello.
- Hey, it's me.
What's up, buddy? Oh, hey, I was going in.
Yeah, you need to get buzzed in.
I was.
I was reaching for the door.
The buzz was happening.
Nope.
- You opened the door during the buzz.
I'm still riding through on that buzz in.
Listen, if I open that door I might as well invite in all the filth That roams on these streets at night.
Now you're just insulting me.
How do I know that you're not gonna just stab me? - I promise not to? - Just give up.
- Holy shit.
- I'm not gonna let you in.
I'm buzzing stu.
Just keep moving.
Buzz it up.
- You're gonna stand there while I do it? Yeah.
- How you doing? - Shut up.
Are you kidding me with the double buzz? Let me in.
You've got an overzealous neighbor here.
Oh.
- What's up, danny? - Stu-doodly-doo.
- Yeah! - How's it going, bro? Quick personality turnaround there.
Good, man.
Thank you for keeping the building safe.
Absolutely.
You're good to go, buddy.
What a creepfest that guy was.
- Who, danny rockefeller? - He's a rockefeller.
Rockefellers shouldn't be living in this building.
Well, he keeps my building safe and I appreciate his vigilance.
We've got to order some food here.
I am starving.
Mm, if I'm gonna eat, I kind of need to get super baked first.
It's the only way I can get an appetite.
- I'm just gonna call my- - - not a healthy way to live your life.
Well, I'm not the one who got kicked out of my apartment.
- Let's order the food first.
- Let's order the weed first.
I just have to page my dealer so he can call me back And I can tell him I wanna buy some tickets.
- He still has a pager? - Yeah.
- No one has pagers anymore.
- Pot dealers and doctors-- The two most important people in america.
Chipper, this is tim.
You guys have met before, right? No.
- Yeah, we met a long time ago.
I was in college.
We were in college.
Well, I was living near the college.
I wasn't in college.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Wow, you're still doing this.
Yeah, still dealing pot.
- I thought you were going into architecture.
Yeah, I was thinking about it a long time ago.
Didn't pan out.
Didn't go to school or take any classes? No, I didn't do any of that, but it worked out for the best.
I've got a lot going on.
I'm excited to tell you about it.
A lot going on.
Which brings me to the reason I came.
Your tickets, sir.
What is-- what is this? They're for the play I'm in.
It's an unjustly neglected drama from the '40s.
Didn't you get my flyer? Didn't you get my call for pot? Oh, I see what happened.
When you said tickets, I thought you meant tickets for the show.
No, when I said tickets, I meant the code word We've been using for pot for the last eight years.
Oh well, that was a mix-up.
I've got to interject.
I think tickets is a bad code word If you're an actor and a pot dealer.
All right.
It was probably just wishful thinking, Imagining a client would wanna see me on stage.
Stupid.
I shouldn't have-- okay, I'm gonna get out of here.
You know what? Just looking at this leaflet, This actually looks pretty darn good.
It does, doesn't it? We should think about this.
It's called "season of death.
" - Yeah.
- Stu, think about it.
Think about it.
Seriously, listen to him.
Think about it.
Please, you come to the show.
I'll have the weed with me there.
This is a good play too.
It's like an arthur miller play but it's much slower.
Fine, I'll go.
- Oh, you're gonna go to the show! - We're going to the theater.
- I'll see you at the show! All right.
There's an upbeat drug dealer.
Okay, what the fuck were you thinking? I just felt bad for the guy.
This is not a precedent you wanna set with your drug dealer, okay? Now I have to go to his stupid play.
Let's just hope it's good.
Maybe we'll have a fun night.
I saw things in the war.
Things I don't wanna talk about.
You have to forget all that stuff.
You have to forget all that stuff that ever happened.
Well, what about what happened here when I was gone? Oh, god, jesus.
You have to forget that too.
We all have to forget And forget and forget.
Did you hear me? You have to forget that ever happened.
You know, in germany, I heard a rumor that the nazis had a weapon, A gas that could cause amnesia.
This is where it gets good.
Rumor turned out to be false.
- What? It was just a box labeled nazi gas.
That would have been a good plot point to pursue.
I can't believe this is still the first act.
- Oh, man.
- This play is beastly.
Maybe you just don't appreciate good theater.
Oh, I know good theater.
I didn't complain when I saw "starlight express.
" This is intermission.
Behave like someone at intermission.
I'm fucking itchy.
- You really need your pot, don't you? Well, what the fuck do you think we're doing here, tim? - Shh.
- No! No quiet for me.
You've become a different person.
You don't realize, the last 15 years we've hung out, I've been baked the whole time.
You've been baked the whole time we've been friends? Nighttime, daytime, midday.
- This is the real stu? - This is the real stu.
- You like this stu? - They're about to start.
Let's get back in.
Let's try to enjoy the play.
let's try to enjoy the play.
Oh, I'm tim.
Let's try to enjoy the play.
- I need to go.
- Where? Back to a time before any of this happened.
To a place where nazi gas really exists.
But what about me? What about your friends? - Damn it! - You're not my friend.
You're not anything to me.
Oh, my god, did he just shoot himself? - I hope so.
- That's how it ends? They should give out guns to the audience.
* when johnny comes marching home again * - No no.
- * hurrah hurrah * Close the curtain.
- * we'll give him a hearty welcome then * - * hurrah hurrah * - this can't be happening.
* the men will cheer and the boys will shout * - oh my god! * the ladies, they will all turn out * * and we'll all feel gay when johnny comes marching home.
* I'm getting up, I'm walking away.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you! - Thanks for coming.
- Thank you so much.
- Chipper: So you liked it? - Oh, so good.
Four hours of entertainment.
Awesome.
That's what we were shooting for.
So solid.
- I just have to ask.
What about me? Did you like me? - You in particular? Yeah, you were good.
Did you believe when I gave birth at the bus stop with that plastic baby? I did.
That was a plastic baby? I thought you gave birth.
what about me? Did you like my posture? - It was pretty good.
- I tried to make it authoritative.
You're all good.
- Really? Because I think I was a little off tonight.
- No no, you were good.
- Is there anything different - We should be doing? - We value constructive criticism.
None of us trust the director.
Yes.
Yeah.
If you-- if you wanna know Yes, we do.
Please! - Tear us apart.
- I would love some honesty.
Don't open this door, tim.
You could probably cut two hours out of it.
- That's a funny joke.
- Chipper:A theatergoer joke.
You could lose 90% of the dialogue.
Oh, so you're being serious right now? I'm gonna give you some feedback.
I looked into the audience, I thought you were shitty audience members.
If katharine hepburn was here she would have kicked you in the face.
Katharine hepburn was a lady.
You're just saying the words katharine hepburn.
You probably don't even know who she is.
We were gonna go to a greek restaurant right now.
- You're not invited.
- I was gonna invite you guys, - But I'm not anymore.
- Is it always this dramatic? Watch this, tim.
Guys, the play was great.
- Thank you.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
We're going to this greek restaurant.
I wasn't lying about that.
Why don't you guys come there, talk more about how much you love the play? I'll drive you in my dodge dart.
Chipper, you're killing me.
Can we please do this? Can we do-- can we do, uh You know, I don't have it on me.
Let's go to the restaurant.
We'll deal with it there.
I'll give you the tickets there.
- Chipper, we're not friends.
- Yes we are.
I shouldn't have to come to this play.
I'm definitely not coming to the restaurant.
You know what? I'm gonna quit pot.
That's how strongly I feel about never having to do anything like this again.
What is this a scene from? All right.
All right, stu, duly noted.
Duly noted.
Tim? - Hey.
- Look me in the eyes.
- I am.
- What about us? - What about? - Are we friends? - Friends? - Don't look at stu.
Look at me.
Look at your-- I'm not gonna say it, but look at your friend, man.
- Aren't we friends? - Since this morning? Uh No.
I gotta side with stu probably.
I'm gonna go with no.
You know, what, tim? - Yeah? - I don't miss pot at all.
That's good to hear.
Now we just have to hope that nothing great or bad Or boring happens, because those seem to be my main triggers.
hold on a second.
What's going on? Oh my god.
- Tim: Excuse me.
- Listen guys, keep it moving.
Keep it moving.
Nothing's happening here.
I live in the building.
Listen, I'm not gonna tell you what's going on upstairs, But the rich guy upstairs went crazy.
He killed his date.
Oh no.
- He cut her skin into paper dolls.
Wait a second.
A rich guy? - A rich guy did it? - Rich guy.
You're not talking about danny rockefeller, are you? - You know the guy? - Of course I know the guy.
- Oh my god, I called it! - You called the crime? This morning I said the guy's creepy.
Oh, yeah? Hey, this guy over here Says he knew the killer was suspicious.
Oh, really? And you didn't warn anybody about that? You had foreknowledge of his suspicious nature and you didn't do anything? I knew he was capable of doing something weird someday.
I'm not gonna warn anybody.
Capable of doing something weird someday.
That's interesting you should say that.
- Why? That's exactly what mr.
Rockefeller said about you.
Things just got interestinger.
All right, you two, I'm gonna play a little game I like to call good murderer, bad murderer.
That's not a game.
- Danny, what caught your eye about tim earlier today? You said he was weird and all, why? Well, he just looks like a bag of shit.
What? - Tim, what makes you think danny is the murderer? He's clearly just murdered someone.
- Is that so clear? - It's in his apartment.
He has a skull lamp.
- That's a real skull.
- I bought that in florida.
- Detective: Okay.
- I love florida.
- All right, let's talk alibis.
- Tim: Oh my god.
Let's talk whereabouts while the crime was being committed.
Where were you tonight, danny? - I was at the laundromat.
Those are the quarters I didn't use.
Okay, thank you.
That's a good example of something concrete.
Quarters that did not get used.
Tim.
- Yeah? Where were you tonight? Here murdering this girl or someplace else? I was at a-- at the theater.
The theater? - A play called " seasons of death.
" I don't know anybody who's ever been to a play.
Do you, danny? You know anybody who's ever been to a play? I'm not a theatergoer myself.
Thank you.
Me neither.
Why would you? - You have a television? - My friend is in the play.
Ah! But do we believe you? Aha, that is the question.
Let me ask you this: - What was your friend's name? - Chipper.
You're just saying that 'cause I'm eating a bag of chips right now, aren't you? Those are doritos.
They're not chips.
They're chips.
These are nacho chips.
My theory of how you came up with the name is solid.
Book him.
- I'll decide when to book him.
- What's chipper's last name? - He just go by chipper.
So he's a good enough friend to see in a play, But he's not a good enough friend to know his last name? The guy is at a greek restaurant nearby.
- You wanna go talk to him? - Love to go talk to him.
Oh, perfect.
That's the group I was with.
- Mm-hm.
- My acting friends.
The guy at the end is my buddy chipper.
Okay, excuse me, sir.
I need to clear up a little bit of information.
Is this man your friend? Hey, pal.
No.
He's not my friend.
- No? - He's not anything to me.
Okay.
- That's the last line of the play.
That's a line from the play that you're in, sir? I'm trying to find out if you two are friends.
Don't go throwing lines from a play at me.
And I am telling you he's not my friend! - Wow.
- He's not anything to me! I love how he left his mouth hanging open.
What am I supposed to do with you? Yes or no, are you two friends? - Tim: Yes.
- No.
- Okay.
- He's not my friend.
Don't say the line.
Please don't say the line.
- He's not anything to me.
- I believe it even less now.
I don't care 'cause you're not my friend.
- All right, I'm not gonna get an answer.
- You're not anything to me.
I saw charles nelson reilly do that, - And you did it better.
- Chipper: Thank you.
* these shabby shoes I'm wearing all the time * * are full of holes and nails * * and brother, if I stepped on a worn-out dime * * I bet a nickel I could tell you * * if it was heads or tails * * I'm not gonna worry, wrinkles in my brow * * 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right no how * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
*