The Millers (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

Hi.
Oh, welcome to the open house.
Thank you.
Okay, it's a two-bedroom, one-story unit, perfect for a single or a couple? No! No, no, no, no, no, no! The apartment would just be for me.
Okay.
I got divorced about a year ago, and have been living with my son ever since.
She doesn't care, mom.
He's right.
Let me know if you have questions.
Oh, my, Nate! And it comes fully furnished! This looks perfect! Really? Gosh, I don't know.
I'm not so sure Are you kidding?! Look at these glass doors.
I can see the whole block.
Yeah, but they can also see you.
Say good-bye to watchingWheel of Fortune with your pants unbuttoned.
And I can make the second bedroom into a craft room.
Well, obviously I'm all for that so you could knit me more cell phone holders that look like tiny overalls.
I don't know, mom.
This This place is kind of pricey.
I would be dipping into my savings.
I'd just hate to think that all that money you saved sneaking rotisserie chickens into movie theaters was for nothing.
So, any questions? My heart loves it, but my pocketbook doesn't.
Sorry, it's not right for me.
I'm so lucky to have a son who looks out for me the way you do.
It just would've been so fun to be neighbors.
So fun.
So fun! So close! So close! The Millers - 02x01 "Movin Out" How's the house hunt going, mom? The apartment across the hall from Nathan's was great, but he convinced me it was too expensive.
So, he printed me out a list of places that I could afford.
“Across the hall”? Oh, my God.
How close were you to burning down the whole building? I had the matches in my pocket.
Okay, I'm off to Lily's for the weekend.
I'll be back on Monday unless I can talk her rich parents into adopting me.
It's probably for the best.
We haven't even started you a college fund.
- Okay, I'll walk you out.
- No, I'll do it.
I want to find out why her father's mall doesn't have a talbots.
All right, let's have a look at this apartment list.
Two places on Milton, one on Magnolia.
Wait a minute.
Every place on this list is in our neighborhood.
That's right.
I did my time.
I ain't going back to Shawshank.
You need to do your part anyway.
Oh, I do my part.
It's called dad.
Are you kidding? Dad's easy.
It's like taking care of an old plant.
Yeah, well, that old plant has been bringing home a different old female plant every night.
Yeah.
It is not easy sleeping through the sound of dry rustling bushes in the room next door.
I can't officially tell you we'll have a talbots by Christmas, but if you're looking to get me a reasonably priced seasonal turtleneck, you might want to hold off.
I'll go see if there's some more of those popsicles in the freezer.
Hey, y'all.
Hey.
Who was that? I think she said her name is Kathy.
I'm not sure, but she's been here so long I don't think I can ask.
Met her over at Shrugging Pines.
The old folks home over on ELM?! That's where you're picking up women? Boy, you're really going for the low-hanging fruits.
I'm surprised they go for yours.
It is not an old folks home.
It's an active Senior Living Community.
You should stop by.
Some of those women could really use a mother figure.
So, um My dad here tells me that you live at Shrugging Pines.
How do you, uh, how do you like it? Oh, I love it! They have activities, private apartments and three different craft rooms.
- Three craft rooms? - Mm-hmm.
Guess how many different colored pipe cleaners they have.
Eight? - Get out! - Yeah! The only thing they don't have is this guy! Popcorn! Popcorn! Hey! I said popcorn! That's our safe word! Well, mom, I don't know.
I think, uh, I think maybe we ought to check it out.
It does sound nice.
And it's only four blocks away from Debbie.
- I know! - Yeah.
We hope you've enjoyed the tour and look forward to seeing you again here at Shrugging Pines, the best decision you can make for the rest of your life Is what you would've heard had the dang DVD player worked! Aah! This is wonderful, Kip! As was the whole tour.
I'm very impressed.
Oh, thank you.
That-that means a lot.
Because not only am I the admissions director, but I'm also the activities coordinator, the facilities manager and the Marco Polo umpire.
You're not a peeker, are you, Carol? Hmm? Me? No.
Carol? Maybe a little peek? Huh? A little peeky-poo? A little, a little pookity-peekity? Maybe I peek a little.
I'm gonna blow my whistle on you, Carol! Come here, you! What I'm saying is I live this job I actually live in a room out back.
Except for one weekend a month.
Those two days belong to the National Guard.
I Know what you're thinking and You're both welcome.
Well - I just, I-I love the place.
- Mm-hmm.
- I - Aw, thank you, sir.
Yeah.
And, of course, when you visit, there will be full discretion at all times to protect your privacy, Mr.
Miller.
I know who you are.
My ex-husband Leon is quite the fan.
Spent many a night between the sheets watching you walk our streets.
So glad to be part of that.
Um, now if my mom is interested, how quickly can this happen? 'Cause I mean, I-I can just leave here.
And if you've got a gift shop, I'll just buy her a tooth brush and she's good to go! Unfortunately there are nine people in front of you.
With modern medicine, the wait could be pretty long.
Oop! Make that eight people.
I'm kidding! That's the lunch bell! Who's hungry, huh? Who wants to see the second longest jell-o bar in Virginia? I bet the head of admissions would've bumped me up on the list if you'd just flirted a little.
Ooh! Was she cute? He was cute and he winked at Nathan.
He was just impressed that I'm a local celebrity.
And if Nathan had just winked back, I bet I'd be in.
I helped you out plenty of times, flirting with people I wasn't into.
What? When? Not everyone who applies to space camp gets in.
I think I know why you didn't flirt with this guy.
Are you gonna say it's because of that dream I had about me and the Dukes of Hazzard boys? I told you it's mo mostly about the car.
I think deep, deep down you don't want your mother to move out.
Look what she made.
Look at this.
Fancy cheeses, crackers, evenly sliced salami.
Brother, you are hooked on snacks.
Yes, I-I do enjoy a well-orchestrated cheese plate after a hard day's work.
But I don't need it.
Trust me, I want her out.
Well, prove it.
Go shake what your mother gave you so you can shake your mother.
Flirt with a guy? Yeah, it's 2014! There's no shame in it.
I flirt with guys all the time.
I haven't paid for a ginger ale on a flight in years! Yeah, those are free.
Then I've been tickling kneecaps for nothing? Hey, Kip.
I just came by to drop off my mom's applicash.
Sorry if it's a little sweaty.
I filled it out between reps at the gym.
Wow.
I never noticed how long your eyelashes are.
Was your mom Betty Boop and your dad Also Betty Boop? First of all, you're as straight as an arrow dipped in fantasy football.
I mean, you're pathetic.
You remind me of my flight attendant days when some guy tickled my kneecaps for a free ginger ale.
Look, I'm-I'm I'm sorry.
I just I was just trying to help out my mom.
No, I-I-I understand.
That's very nice, but You're barking up the wrong gay with this guy.
My ex-husband Leon is the one who had the crush on you, not me.
I'm a, I'm an Anderson Cooper man myself.
You're a little dumb for me.
What? Uh, I'm not dumb.
Mm I'm not! Aw.
That's the spirit.
God.
If Leon could see me talking to you.
It would really get his goat.
He doesn't actually have a goat.
Yeah, I know that.
Okay.
It's an idiom.
Yeah, I'm not stupid.
Yeah.
I'd do anything to see the look on Leon's face if he saw you flirting with me.
And I'd give anything to get my mom into this place.
How'd it go? Great, we're dating.
Are you being facetious? 'Cause if you're serious, I owe your father 20 bucks.
Cute place, Nathan.
Love the treadmill in the living room.
Okay, so just to be clear, uh, this is a one-time thing.
I-I'm not ready to commit to a long-term imaginary relationship.
Once is all I need.
Leon will come here in a few hours and drop off Pugsley, the pug we share custody of.
He will see that not only have I rebounded, but I've done so with his newsboy crush.
He'll beg me to come back, I'll say “hell no,” and then Carol and I skip all the way to the Marco Polo pool.
- Marco! Gotcha! - Polo! But first, let's focus on making you believable as my boyfriend.
Oh, don't worry my Nathan is excellent at pretending.
And if you actually feel something real, just go with it.
He'd make a nice son-in-law, and you know I love a parade.
Okay, you need to know everything about me.
Here's the first 40 pages of my autobiography, and here are all my applications to the Real World since '91.
We're gonna to have to cram, so I suggest you put on some coffee.
Uh.
Well, yeah.
Actually, you know what? I'm out of coffee.
But, that's okay I'll run out and grab some.
Oh, then grab a pen because my order is very complicated, and I don't want to overwhelm that pretty little head of yours.
Ready? Ready.
Small.
Black.
Coffee.
Read it back.
Kip is a Virgo trapped in a Gemini's body.
He likes luge, but not bobsled.
And he has four scars on his left thigh from being stabbed with a salad fork.
Right thigh, chopsticks.
Damn it, Miller, get your head in the game! I'm gonna have you teach a craft class, Carol.
What are these, overalls for your phone? They're osh kosh b'dorable.
Thank you.
Tom never appreciated my crafts.
He said why do things by hand, when you can just go to the store.
- Ugh.
- Made me so angry.
I made him do things by hand for the next ten years.
Husbands are the worst.
Leon never supported any of my passions.
He hated the fact that I spoke two languages.
Really? What do you speak? English and Latin.
Comma, pig.
Pig Latin.
I know it's stupid.
On't-day e-bay illy-say.
Oh, anks-thay arol-cay.
Leon would yell when I tried to speak it around the house.
But what should I have expected from a man who divorced me through a text? I've said it for years Cell phones are evil.
That's why I put 'em in overalls to make them seem more approachable.
Hey, Kip.
Uh, it says here that you were the captain of your high school football team? Mm-hmm.
And that you were also the head cheerleader.
Yeah, I was pretty tired by the end of the game.
- Oh, God He's here.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
- Um, Carol, in the kitchen! - Yeah.
Yeah.
How do I look? Rhetorical question.
I kind of know I look great.
Let's do this.
Oh.
Ray? Oh, man, I forgot to call.
Sorry, I-I can't make the game.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Oh, that's today? This the dude? You guys make a cute couple.
I'd give you two my unwanted baby.
Man, we'll talk later, okay? You got to go.
Uh, too late.
Uh, you're part of this now.
You're our friend, a three-star Michelin chef from New York who took the train down to cook us a dinner to celebrate our three-month anniversary.
You were raised in an orphanage, and you have low self-esteem.
- Can my restaurant be in little Italy? - Why not? Badda-bing, badda-boom! Boom! Nate, Nate, Nate.
Go upstairs so you can make an entrance.
Go, go, go.
Here's Pugsley.
He's in a timeout for talking back to me in the car.
Whose place is this? And, Barf, why is there a treadmill in the living room? This is my boyfriend's place, Leon.
Boyfriend? Odd.
All the times I've dropped off Pugsley you never mentioned a boyfriend once.
We had to keep it under wraps as a matter of discretion.
He's a public figure.
In fact, you may know him.
You must be Leon.
Chowder's almost ready.
I bet my mama liked chowder.
I'll never know.
I just love everything about him.
From his size 10.
5 tennis shoes to the fact that he graduated from Colgate with a 3.
9.
Blood-alcohol content.
Chowder's peaking to perfection.
I made enough for 45.
That's the only way I learned at the orphanage.
I cannot believe that it's been three months.
And we spent every single day together.
You spent every day together? Oh, yeah.
Our relationship has perfect attendance.
Really? Because if I recall, the National Guard doesn't allow guests those two days a month.
So, how have you been together every day? Well, I stayed in Kip's car at the base.
You stayed in Kip's car? He means scooter.
Right, scooter's car.
No, I have a scooter.
He means scooter.
He knows I don't drive.
As does anybody who's read my autobiography, Kip on a scooter.
Things are not going great out there.
I don't think it's gonna work.
I'm not an actor! I'm not an actor, either.
But all acting is is committing to the role.
Now if you want your mother out of your house, you have to commit.
Now, I don't have a mama.
But if I did have a mama Wait, y-you do have a mother.
She lives in Phoenix.
She sends you a cheesecake once a month.
I'm committing to a role right now.
You can get your mother out the house.
But you have to commit to the role.
You're right, I got to I got to commit.
Commit! And that's why he could visit me during my training.
Am I right, hon? No, you are not right.
You're perfect.
Aw Straight lips! Straight lips! I knew it! This is just another one of your stupid stunts, Kip.
God, why can't you just accept that it's over.
This is more pathetic than when you secretly put my mail on hold during my birthday week.
I called my grandma a bitch for nothing.
Y-you're right.
I'm sorry.
You're an immature, psychotic, borderline sociopath.
I am.
I-I am all of those things.
Nathan, he's basically saying I'm a monster, if you're having trouble following along.
I don't even think I want Pugsley around you.
Where'd he go? Pugsley? Pugsley! Time-out is over! Pugsley! Are you just going to stand there and take that? This isn't the Kip Finkle I've known since yesterday at 11:30.
But he's right, this was a crazy idea.
I don't know why I feel the need to keep trying to get back at him.
I'll tell you why.
Because he's a jerk who broke up with you over a cellular phone texting.
You just say, “a text.
” He never let you have closure.
What kind of man breaks up a marriage over a textagram? Again, it's just “text” Maybe this was a crazy idea, but it's not your fault that you did it it was his.
When your marriage ended, he didn't give you a chance to tell him how you felt.
Well, this is your chance, Kip.
Lay it on him.
I've got your ack-bay.
We're leaving.
I wouldn't eat the chowder if I were you.
I think it has ginger ale in it.
Say good-bye to Pugsley forever.
“Bye, psycho!” op-stay! If you utter one more word in pig Latin to me, I swear Ut-shay up-way.
I-way as-way ared-scay o-tay ick-stay upway or-fay eyself-may, ut-bay ot-nay anymore-way! O-nay, o-nay, o-nay.
I am not following any of this.
Maybe I am dumb.
If-way ou-yay ink-thay ou're-yay aking-tay ugsley-pay, ou're-yay azy-cray.
Et-gay out-way! I wish my pig Latin teacher could have seen that.
I love you, ister-may enkins-Jay.
I can't believe after all this, I'm still moving out.
I want you to know how much I appreciate all you went through to get me into Shrugging Pines And how frustrated you must be that I chose not to live there.
I'm just so lucky to have found a roommate I'm so compatible with.
Because my handsome son is a darn tough act to follow.
You have a handsome son? I can't wait to meet him.
Kidding.
You're very attractive.
On the outside.
Look at him he's so confused Nathan, isn't this going to be a hoot? You didn't lose a mother, you gained a fun, new neighbor.
Ah, it's so great.
Well, I'll just give you guys a couple months to settle in, and I'll check back in after the holidays.