The Muppet Show (1976) s02e01 Episode Script
Don Knotts
Don Knotts, Don Knotts, Twenty-five seconds to curtain, Mr Knotts, What are you doing hiding there behind the table? Listen, nobody told me I had to share a dressing room, Didn't they tell you about her? - Her? What's the matter, sweetie? You don't like chorus girls? It's The Muppet Show, with our very speciaI guest star, Mr Don Knotts, It's time to play the music It's time to light the light It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show! Sorry, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Listen, our guest star tonight is the slightly nervous, but very funny, Mr Don Knotts, But first, just for fun, here is a ginger-flavoured opening number, I know what's wrong with this show, - What? It's the theatre, - What's wrong with it? The seats face the stage, Thank you, Hi, Hiya, hiya, Hey, hey, hey, Listen, Kermit is letting me help plan tonight's show, That's true, folks, He plans his parts, and I plan the good parts, Kermit! - I'm just kidding, Fozzie, Go ahead, make your introduction, - Oh, OK, Moving right along, we take you now for a trip into inner space, I'm very relaxed, I'm terribly calm and tranquiI, and very, very relaxed indeed, On the outside, but on the inside But on the outside I'm very calm, Well, how'd you like that opening number? Oh, I didn't notice it, Didn't notice it? How is that possible? It was loud and raucous with a screaming thing running amok, How could you not notice it? Well, in the future I'll try to be more observant, Would you do that, please? This is fun, I really want to thank you for letting me help plan tonight's show, Kermit, Well, I wish we planned something calmer for the opening spot, He looks calm enough to me, OK, green thing, the band has asked me to have a word with you, Yeah? I refer, specifically, to the closing number, Oh, boy, Well, I tell you, this is not my fault this time, See, Fozzie Bear helped me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play Lullaby of Birdland.
That was Fozzie, So this is the bear's doing, huh? You bet, - Oh, hi, Floyd, Isn't Lullaby of Birdland all right? All right? Hey, it's terrific! It is? - It is? Yeah, Lullaby of Birdland is a jazz classic, At last we got some decent music in this gig, Yeah, Lullaby of Birdland.
Why isn't the bear running things around here? Yeah! Why isn't the bear running things around here? Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians? Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut? OK, right now it's time for something good to happen, and that something is tonight's very funny guest star, Welcome, please, the very relaxed Mr Don Knotts, Thank you, boys and girls, and welcome to Beast of the Week.
The program that presents the most hideous, repulsive and disgusting animals in the world just to amuse you sweet little kiddies, Tonight's creature was just discovered, so it doesn't even have a name yet, Shall we? Oh, cute little fella, isn't it? This is the first one ever born in captivity, and it's also the first time we've had it away from its mother, So I don't know quite what to expect myself, so maybe we'll just learn together, huh? Well, one thing we've just learned: It can get out of a cage, which I was told was absolutely escape-proof, I better get him to Oh, look at that, He's found something shaped like himself, I believe he thinks they're related, Isn't that cute, boys and girls? He's trying to make friends, Not Not trying to make friends, He's I'll just get the globe, I could use some helpers, Where'd it go? Where'd? This is where my years of training as a zookeeper pay off, You notice I don't make any sudden moves, He's getting less frightened of me, I guess it likes me, Stop it! That tickles, It's blowing in my ear, Gotcha, Well, boys and girls, that about wraps up tonight's Beast of the Week.
We've got to get this little fella back to its mother before she wakes up, You see, the mother is very possessive of its offspring, And if she should discover it missing, she could get very upset, What's that? - Mama, Mother? How could that be? She's in the cage, It's escape-proof, Well, that Don Knotts is one great performer, He certainly is, When is he gonna be on? He was just on, - Oh, Did I like him? Yeah, you laughed like crazy, - Oh, good, He's got a great sense of humour, but a terrible memory, Fozzie, my main bear, What it is? You know everybody in the band is so blown away by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland on the show, Blown away? Is that good? Good? - Yes? Fozzie, you're so hip you make us flip, In fact, we just took a vote and made you a bona fide registered Hip Dude, You have won your shades, My shades! - Yeah, Now these are the officiaI "Charlie Parker lives" supercooI sunglasses, Thank you! - Welcome to Groovydom, Oh! Will you please tell the band how honoured I am! Oh, boy, I can't wait to tell Kermit, Kermit! And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Well, let's take a look at our next patient, What seems to be his problem? - I think he has flat feet, Dr Bob, Looks more like a flat tyre to me, I think it's a case of three left feet, Three feet, Dr Bob, What do you make of that? Oh, about a yard, But is it serious, Dr Bob? Let's face it, this bird has one foot in the grave, But he has three feet on the table, That's nothing, I left two feet in Cincinnati, That's six feet, Dr Bob, What do you make of that? Oh, about a fathom, I certainly can't fathom any of this, And so Dr Bob has performed another amazing medical feat.
Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say Shall we call in a specialist, Dr Bob? No, just call a tow truck, That tickles! Strange, Fozzie told me to meet him here and we could chat for a while, Sorry, lady, Oh, boy, Oh, boy, oh, boy, Hi, Fozzie, Oh, hello, Don, Good to see you, Oh, Oh, hi, Don, Didn't see you, Why don't you take off the sunglasses? - I couldn't do that, The band gave me these because they think I am so hip, Oh, I see, Confidentially, I always wanted to be hip, Oh, yeah? - Yeah, Personally, I've never had that problem, Yeah! - You know how it is, When you've got it, you've got it, I mean, when you're hip, you're hip, Yeah, Don, if you're so hip, where are your shades? Shades? You want shades, I'll show you shades, Look at that, Huh? How's that? How about that, huh? - Yeah! Good to see ya! - That's my man! That's my bear! Gimme five! - Whatever! All right! Yeah! Yeah, Don! Don, Don, Don! Hey, sounded lovely, sounded wonderfuI, Wish I knew how it looked, Hey, Fozzie, my main fuzzy, - Oh, Floyd, Yeah, Listen, one of the dudes in the band is so turned on by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland, he would like to shake your hand personally, Hey, out of sight! - OK, Thank you! No, AnimaI! You promised! Hey, man! HeeI, heeI! I didn't know it hurt to be hip, a fishy chowder, And for the fishy chowder we have the fishy fish, Fishy fishy, What's wrong with you? It's either this show or indigestion, I hope it's indigestion, - Why? It'll get better in a little while, - Oh, Fozzie, my fuzzy, - Hey! Hey, everything is everything, Whatever! Hey! I was just wonderin' - Yes! how you were enjoying your new title as OfficiaI Hip Dude, Oh, I love it, I love the title, Just wish it came with a flashlight, Floyd, Floyd, it's time to do Lullaby of Birdland.
Ooh, yeah, Speaking of which, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're gonna need another player for the bass, Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on, Hey, Kermit, no problem! I have already found the perfect bass player, Floyd, you just go out there and start cookin', baby! Yeah, my bear, I knew you were a gas, Yes! All right! And I will introduce this number for my hip brothers, green stuff, Hey, hey! The bear has wigged out, Hey! All right! All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out Hey! All right! All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out there, time for a great golden goodie from Fozzie's Wiggie Wonder World, Here is Lullaby of Birdland.
Search no more, my man, You must be the bass player, How'd you guess? - Oh, a shot in the dark, OK, I'm cooI, We're gonna lay down a little Lullaby of Birdland on this cornball show, Can you dig it? - Can I dig it? I got the music right here, Sheet music, I haven't seen that stuff for years, Look at that, the cat can follow the dots, All right, Now, Lullaby of Birdland.
Wait a minute! - Hey, hey! Hold it! What in the pluperfect past tense was that? The Lullaby of Birdland, man, Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds like the bird died, You better lose the bow, baby, - I knew something was wrong, Yeah, - All right, here we go, guys, Faster, man, This ain't no wedding, Faster, man, faster, Take it, Don, All right! Yeah! - All right, do it! Here we go! Ah, I loved it! Well, that's it for another show, I'd like to thank the guy who helped me plan tonight's merriment, good oI' Fozzie Bear, - Hoo-ha, hello? Hello? Hello, hello? You went too far, Fozzie, Anyhow, and, of course, our very speciaI guest star, the wonderfuI Mr Don Knotts, Thank you, Thank you, Kermit wherever you are, Hey, hey! Me and the band just took another vote because of what happened in the Birdland number, Yeah? - You have been officially and permanently de-shaded, Take off your peepholes, - Oh, no, Oh, don't worry, Fozzie, Always remember square is beautifuI, You bet! - I'll see that bet and raise you five, That's it for tonight, We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show! This show is awfuI, - Terrible, Disgusting, - See you next week? Of course,
Listen, our guest star tonight is the slightly nervous, but very funny, Mr Don Knotts, But first, just for fun, here is a ginger-flavoured opening number, I know what's wrong with this show, - What? It's the theatre, - What's wrong with it? The seats face the stage, Thank you, Hi, Hiya, hiya, Hey, hey, hey, Listen, Kermit is letting me help plan tonight's show, That's true, folks, He plans his parts, and I plan the good parts, Kermit! - I'm just kidding, Fozzie, Go ahead, make your introduction, - Oh, OK, Moving right along, we take you now for a trip into inner space, I'm very relaxed, I'm terribly calm and tranquiI, and very, very relaxed indeed, On the outside, but on the inside But on the outside I'm very calm, Well, how'd you like that opening number? Oh, I didn't notice it, Didn't notice it? How is that possible? It was loud and raucous with a screaming thing running amok, How could you not notice it? Well, in the future I'll try to be more observant, Would you do that, please? This is fun, I really want to thank you for letting me help plan tonight's show, Kermit, Well, I wish we planned something calmer for the opening spot, He looks calm enough to me, OK, green thing, the band has asked me to have a word with you, Yeah? I refer, specifically, to the closing number, Oh, boy, Well, I tell you, this is not my fault this time, See, Fozzie Bear helped me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play Lullaby of Birdland.
That was Fozzie, So this is the bear's doing, huh? You bet, - Oh, hi, Floyd, Isn't Lullaby of Birdland all right? All right? Hey, it's terrific! It is? - It is? Yeah, Lullaby of Birdland is a jazz classic, At last we got some decent music in this gig, Yeah, Lullaby of Birdland.
Why isn't the bear running things around here? Yeah! Why isn't the bear running things around here? Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians? Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut? OK, right now it's time for something good to happen, and that something is tonight's very funny guest star, Welcome, please, the very relaxed Mr Don Knotts, Thank you, boys and girls, and welcome to Beast of the Week.
The program that presents the most hideous, repulsive and disgusting animals in the world just to amuse you sweet little kiddies, Tonight's creature was just discovered, so it doesn't even have a name yet, Shall we? Oh, cute little fella, isn't it? This is the first one ever born in captivity, and it's also the first time we've had it away from its mother, So I don't know quite what to expect myself, so maybe we'll just learn together, huh? Well, one thing we've just learned: It can get out of a cage, which I was told was absolutely escape-proof, I better get him to Oh, look at that, He's found something shaped like himself, I believe he thinks they're related, Isn't that cute, boys and girls? He's trying to make friends, Not Not trying to make friends, He's I'll just get the globe, I could use some helpers, Where'd it go? Where'd? This is where my years of training as a zookeeper pay off, You notice I don't make any sudden moves, He's getting less frightened of me, I guess it likes me, Stop it! That tickles, It's blowing in my ear, Gotcha, Well, boys and girls, that about wraps up tonight's Beast of the Week.
We've got to get this little fella back to its mother before she wakes up, You see, the mother is very possessive of its offspring, And if she should discover it missing, she could get very upset, What's that? - Mama, Mother? How could that be? She's in the cage, It's escape-proof, Well, that Don Knotts is one great performer, He certainly is, When is he gonna be on? He was just on, - Oh, Did I like him? Yeah, you laughed like crazy, - Oh, good, He's got a great sense of humour, but a terrible memory, Fozzie, my main bear, What it is? You know everybody in the band is so blown away by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland on the show, Blown away? Is that good? Good? - Yes? Fozzie, you're so hip you make us flip, In fact, we just took a vote and made you a bona fide registered Hip Dude, You have won your shades, My shades! - Yeah, Now these are the officiaI "Charlie Parker lives" supercooI sunglasses, Thank you! - Welcome to Groovydom, Oh! Will you please tell the band how honoured I am! Oh, boy, I can't wait to tell Kermit, Kermit! And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Well, let's take a look at our next patient, What seems to be his problem? - I think he has flat feet, Dr Bob, Looks more like a flat tyre to me, I think it's a case of three left feet, Three feet, Dr Bob, What do you make of that? Oh, about a yard, But is it serious, Dr Bob? Let's face it, this bird has one foot in the grave, But he has three feet on the table, That's nothing, I left two feet in Cincinnati, That's six feet, Dr Bob, What do you make of that? Oh, about a fathom, I certainly can't fathom any of this, And so Dr Bob has performed another amazing medical feat.
Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say Shall we call in a specialist, Dr Bob? No, just call a tow truck, That tickles! Strange, Fozzie told me to meet him here and we could chat for a while, Sorry, lady, Oh, boy, Oh, boy, oh, boy, Hi, Fozzie, Oh, hello, Don, Good to see you, Oh, Oh, hi, Don, Didn't see you, Why don't you take off the sunglasses? - I couldn't do that, The band gave me these because they think I am so hip, Oh, I see, Confidentially, I always wanted to be hip, Oh, yeah? - Yeah, Personally, I've never had that problem, Yeah! - You know how it is, When you've got it, you've got it, I mean, when you're hip, you're hip, Yeah, Don, if you're so hip, where are your shades? Shades? You want shades, I'll show you shades, Look at that, Huh? How's that? How about that, huh? - Yeah! Good to see ya! - That's my man! That's my bear! Gimme five! - Whatever! All right! Yeah! Yeah, Don! Don, Don, Don! Hey, sounded lovely, sounded wonderfuI, Wish I knew how it looked, Hey, Fozzie, my main fuzzy, - Oh, Floyd, Yeah, Listen, one of the dudes in the band is so turned on by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland, he would like to shake your hand personally, Hey, out of sight! - OK, Thank you! No, AnimaI! You promised! Hey, man! HeeI, heeI! I didn't know it hurt to be hip, a fishy chowder, And for the fishy chowder we have the fishy fish, Fishy fishy, What's wrong with you? It's either this show or indigestion, I hope it's indigestion, - Why? It'll get better in a little while, - Oh, Fozzie, my fuzzy, - Hey! Hey, everything is everything, Whatever! Hey! I was just wonderin' - Yes! how you were enjoying your new title as OfficiaI Hip Dude, Oh, I love it, I love the title, Just wish it came with a flashlight, Floyd, Floyd, it's time to do Lullaby of Birdland.
Ooh, yeah, Speaking of which, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're gonna need another player for the bass, Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on, Hey, Kermit, no problem! I have already found the perfect bass player, Floyd, you just go out there and start cookin', baby! Yeah, my bear, I knew you were a gas, Yes! All right! And I will introduce this number for my hip brothers, green stuff, Hey, hey! The bear has wigged out, Hey! All right! All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out Hey! All right! All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out there, time for a great golden goodie from Fozzie's Wiggie Wonder World, Here is Lullaby of Birdland.
Search no more, my man, You must be the bass player, How'd you guess? - Oh, a shot in the dark, OK, I'm cooI, We're gonna lay down a little Lullaby of Birdland on this cornball show, Can you dig it? - Can I dig it? I got the music right here, Sheet music, I haven't seen that stuff for years, Look at that, the cat can follow the dots, All right, Now, Lullaby of Birdland.
Wait a minute! - Hey, hey! Hold it! What in the pluperfect past tense was that? The Lullaby of Birdland, man, Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds like the bird died, You better lose the bow, baby, - I knew something was wrong, Yeah, - All right, here we go, guys, Faster, man, This ain't no wedding, Faster, man, faster, Take it, Don, All right! Yeah! - All right, do it! Here we go! Ah, I loved it! Well, that's it for another show, I'd like to thank the guy who helped me plan tonight's merriment, good oI' Fozzie Bear, - Hoo-ha, hello? Hello? Hello, hello? You went too far, Fozzie, Anyhow, and, of course, our very speciaI guest star, the wonderfuI Mr Don Knotts, Thank you, Thank you, Kermit wherever you are, Hey, hey! Me and the band just took another vote because of what happened in the Birdland number, Yeah? - You have been officially and permanently de-shaded, Take off your peepholes, - Oh, no, Oh, don't worry, Fozzie, Always remember square is beautifuI, You bet! - I'll see that bet and raise you five, That's it for tonight, We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show! This show is awfuI, - Terrible, Disgusting, - See you next week? Of course,