The Neighborhood (2018) s02e01 Episode Script

1 All right! Oh, yeah, there she is.
Look at you looking just like me Strong, dark and smokin' hot.
So what do you say, girl? You ready to bring a little flavor to the neighborhood? Well, uh, I was just going for a jog, but sure.
I was talking to my smoker, Dave.
Getting ready for the Yardecue - this weekend.
- Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Your last Yardecue was the day we moved in.
Can you believe that we've been neighbors for a year? I know.
It feels like so much longer, right? So, what can I do to help? Uh, you can start by wearing longer shorts.
The only sausage I want to see around here is on my grill.
Look, besides, Dave, I'm the big dog around here.
It's my neighborhood, my Yardecue.
Yeah, well, now that I've been here a year, isn't it our neighborhood? Couldn't it be our Yardecue? Or dare I say, Our-decue? [LAUGHS.]
That's that's funny, man.
No.
Well, hold on.
Calvin, come on.
- I really want to be a part of it.
- [SCOFFS.]
All right, fine.
What do you want to do? Well, you know, I don't mean to brag, but back home in Kalamazoo, I was kind of known for my barbecue.
[LAUGHS.]
We called it "Kalama-Q.
" Yeah, you're on napkins.
Come on.
An-Any chump could bring a bag of napkins.
You said it, I didn't.
Well, at least put me in charge of desserts or drinks, or what about music? Okay.
Okay, fine.
May-Maybe not music, but putting me on napkin duty feels like I don't know a waste of my talents.
Okay, well, uh, you want to do plates, too? All right, plates.
Got my foot in the door.
[LAUGHS.]
Great.
Now go put your foot in some pants! Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
- Hey, Ma.
- Hi, Mama.
- Hey, boys.
How was work? - Oh, it was great! One of our satellites discovered water Not you, Marty.
I meant Malcolm.
Oh, it was kind of cool, Ma.
I like being a security guard.
Today, I got to handcuff somebody who tried to sneak in without their ID badge.
Ooh.
Hey, man, I told you, I left it in the car! Well, how was I supposed to know you was telling the truth? You saw it in the cup holder when I drove you to work.
[LAUGHS.]
You know what? Thank you for getting me the job, little bro, and, uh, don't forget your badge tomorrow.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, Marty.
Be more professional.
What?! All right.
Well, my smoker's clean, my knives are sharp, and my playlist is ready.
I'm gonna start out with a little Earth, Wind & Fire.
Okay.
And I'm gonna end it with some Jimmy Buffett.
- Jimmy Buffett? - Jimmy Buffett? It cracks me up to see Dave dance.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- All right.
- Aw.
Baby, I'm so proud of you for letting him be a part of the Yardecue.
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
You're letting Dave help out? Oh, it's nothing.
I'm just letting him bring napkins and plates.
Uh, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You gave Dave napkins and plates? I've been stuck on folding chairs for ten years! And when you get that right, I'll give you napkins and plates.
Uh, wait a minute.
Admit it, Pop.
You like Dave.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Yeah.
- What?! What?! - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- ALL: Yeah.
- [SCOFFS.]
Don't nobody like no damn Dave.
[LAUGHTER.]
Baby, you two look pretty happy in your photo at the top of Splash Mountain.
MALCOLM AND MARTY: Mm-hmm.
He just got sprayed in the face by the mechanical rabbit.
It's why I bought the photo.
Okay, uh, what about that farmer's market - y'all went to last Sunday? - Ah.
Oh.
It's a farmer's market.
You got to take a white dude.
Baby, there's no shame in admitting that you like him.
- Yeah, he's a good guy, Dad.
- TINA: Yeah.
And he's a good neighbor.
Fine.
I mean, maybe he a'ight.
He's all right.
ALL: Oh you love him! You love him! - [LAUGHS.]
- Want to be together.
MARTY: Oh, that feeling.
[LAUGHS.]
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
- Hey, Tina.
- What's up, Gemma? Can I borrow some milk? Sure.
What kind do you want? We have almond, oat, coconut, macadamia.
Oh, so you don't have milk? I'll just go to the store.
Hang on, hang on! Before you go, I got you a present.
It's for our one-year anniversary as friends.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I didn't get you anything.
I feel bad.
Oh, you don't have to feel bad.
- I - Let me see what you got! [LAUGHS.]
It's a It's a, uh Peasant blouse! Exactly! It's just like the one I have that you complimented me on.
Oh, what a good memory you have.
Do you love it? Well, to be honest not really.
No, no, no, but listen.
I really appreciate the thought, honestly.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I just I figured you would like it.
And maybe we'd be twinsies.
Gemma, you don't have to be sorry.
I mean, we're not gonna always like the gifts that we give each other.
Like those hoop earrings that I gave you that you hate.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't hate those earrings.
I love them.
Please.
Well I do.
So why don't you ever wear them? I was just waiting for a special occasion.
- Okay.
- Like Grover's third grade graduation, or his wedding.
All right, I'll see you later.
Wait.
Since you don't like the blouse, I'll just take it back.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna save it for a special occasion, like Grover's wedding.
[OLD-FASHIONED ROCK INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS.]
[WHISTLES.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
DAVE: Hey, Calvin, you in the kitchen? Oh, we just letting ourselves into each other's houses now? Picked up the napkins and the plates.
Went with the clear ones so you can see the food from both sides.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh, looks like you're making your sauce.
Yeah, that's right.
Everyone back at home loved my sauce.
I have a secret ingredient.
Oh, good.
Why don't you keep it a secret? [LAUGHS.]
All right, you dragged it out of me.
It's Worcestershire sauce.
Look, Sorry, Dave, but I'm not using anything in my sauce that has the word "worst" in it.
Are you sure? Because this stuff gives the meat a certain tang.
Hey, hey.
You keep your tang away from my meat.
Okay, Calvin, you know, you're not the only one around here who knows how to make ribs.
Come on, Dave.
I mean, how would you feel if I showed up in Kalamazoo and started hosting one of your, uh, pumpkin festivals? Calvin, one call, and I can make that happen.
That's a big no-go to both, okay? All right, but, uh, you don't know what you're, uh, "Michigan.
" Come on.
You laughed at that at the farmer's market! [UPBEAT ROCK PLAYS, INDISTINCT, OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Calvin, why do you tell everyone to show up at noon if the ribs aren't ready till 3:00? Because I know this neighborhood, and if I told y'all 3:00, you wouldn't show up till 5:00.
Why? 'Cause we black? Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, Grover.
I like your haircut.
What are you talking about? I didn't get a haircut.
Well, it looks nice.
I'm gonna be over here.
Hey, Grover, Grover.
Come on over here, man.
We saw you over there talking to Kayla Watkins.
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
Blech! I think she likes you.
Really? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, man.
Are you sure? 'Cause she punched me in the arm yesterday.
BOTH: Oh.
You got a girlfriend.
Oh.
Hey, Tina.
Oh.
I see you're wearing the earrings.
I didn't know Grover was getting married today.
Well, I realized a lot of the neighbors here don't know my name.
They will now.
Oh, come on, Gemma.
I told you you don't have to pretend to like them.
I got them for you before I knew your style.
How can you say that? They are totally me.
- Ow.
- Oh.
Ow, ow, ow! It's caught on my sleeve.
- Oh.
Uh, okay, okay.
- Ow.
Ah, ow.
- Ow.
Ow! - Okay, well, don't Calvin, how much longer we got to wait for those ribs, man? Ten minutes.
You said that ten minutes ago! And what you gonna do about it? I'm gonna go get some chips.
See, all y'all need to learn some patience.
You get ribs when I give you ribs.
It ain't like you got another choice.
Come on, everybody.
Who's ready for some ribs?! Take Jimmy Buffett off the playlist! Get back.
Get-get-get, y'all get away from them ribs.
Get back.
You! You.
You.
Calvin, what are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? Oh, I-I know, I know.
But I just I couldn't help myself.
Besides, what's wrong with a little variety? Variety sound good to me.
Stop testing me, Trey.
Calvin, come on.
People want to try them.
Let them have a little taste of my tang.
I told you not to do this.
Come on, man, you crossed the line here.
Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Calvin, I'm a part of this neighborhood, too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just because you live here doesn't mean you're a part of the neighborhood.
- Well, I disagree.
- Oh, really? - Uh, what's Trey's real name? - Leslie.
And what did Old Miss Kim's third husband die of? Diabetes, but some say Old Miss Kim.
Which neighbor danced with MC Hammer? Again, Old Miss Kim.
Oh, so we just telling everybody business now? You know, maybe I'm more a part of this neighborhood than you thought, Calvin.
You know what, I don't care.
I want you and your ribs to get out of my yard.
Go.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
But if anybody wants some, they'll be right over here.
In my yard.
[CHUCKLES.]
: You know what? You can stay out there all day.
Nobody's gonna eat your barbecue because they'll be too busy eating mine! - All right! All right, yeah! - Hey, yeah! In, like, ten minutes, guys.
[ALL GROAN.]
Come on, Grover.
Don't be shy.
Just go over there and talk to her.
Okay.
But do I tell her she's stupid or she's gross? Uh, fair question.
I was thinking "I like your smile," - but you do you, man.
- Yeah.
Hey, listen, man, opening lines are always the hardest part.
Yeah, you just got to be cool.
A-And tell her something about yourself.
Well, I'm starting third grade, and I like lizards.
- Oh! - Sounds to me like you got this in the bag.
- I got you, little brother.
- No? Okay, all right.
What are you doing? Icing my ear.
I hugged Old Miss Kim, and it got caught on what everyone now knows is a wig.
Gemma, just take them off.
No.
I was taught that when someone gives you a present, the right thing to do is to show you appreciate it.
Well, I was taught that honesty is the best policy.
Well, then, I guess I was just raised differently.
ALL: Ooh! She just call your mama a ho.
What?! No, I didn't! That's what I heard.
No! No, no, no, no.
Wait! Wait, I-I just meant that we were raised in separate worlds.
You know, separate but equal.
[ALL GROAN.]
Okay, let's get you inside before you have to ice more than your ear.
Come on.
- This way.
This way.
- Okay.
- Don't you - Smell that? Delicious Michigan barbecue right over here.
Hey! Hey, you keep the smell of your ribs off my property.
Come on, everyone.
Try something new.
Or stick with tradition and don't be a sellout.
What the hell are you doing, Uncle Tom? Whoa! Calvin, don't you think that's a little harsh? No.
That's my Uncle Tom.
And you would know that if you were really a part of this neighborhood.
- Man, forget this.
I'm hungry.
- Trey, if you cross that line, I'm-a tell child support you got a job.
Now, Dave, you can stand out here all day.
But as long as I'm here, nobody's crossing that line.
Okay, fine, Calvin.
It's your neighborhood, your Yardecue.
But I'm taking these napkins with me! Somebody find Marty.
He just got a promotion.
Uh, hey, Kayla.
Hey, Grover.
So, uh you like lizards? No.
[SCOFFS.]
Me, neither.
Um are you excited about starting third grade? Totally.
Yeah, me, too.
I asked you about lizards, right? Check out little man.
Got her over there smiling.
Yeah, man.
Clearly our swag is contagious.
[LAUGHS.]
We do make a pretty good team.
Hey, Malcolm.
Hey, Marty.
Looking good.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Oh, thank you.
Appreciate that, young lady.
- I was - [CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, wait, why were you saying thank you? She was talking to me.
Uh, no, she wasn't.
She was clearly talking to me.
Well, if she was talking to you, why was she looking at me? Uh, because I am so good-looking, she couldn't believe we're related.
Damn, Calvin.
Your ribs are worth the wait.
That's what I been trying to tell y'all.
Who does that guy think he is? Bringing his weak-ass ribs to your Yardecue.
[LAUGHS.]
I know, right? And who buys clear plates? You're showing the ants exactly what you got.
I'm glad you put him in his place.
Now he knows not to show up here next year.
Well, I didn't say all that.
That's what I heard.
Well, if you ask me, that dude's a clown.
Whoa.
Whoa, Dave is not a clown.
He may overstep, but actually, he's kind of my friend.
If that's how you treat your friends, I hate to see how you treat your enemy.
Well, let me show you.
Give me that.
Go on, now.
Go.
Mmm.
Yeah.
That's all right right there, boy.
TINA: Okay.
I've got some rubbing alcohol for you and some drinking alcohol for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tina, I'm so sorry for what I said.
Oh.
Could you please explain to me what I said? Look, when a white person says to a black person they were raised "different," it's like saying they were raised better.
Oh, my God.
I wasn't raised better than you.
I'm from Hickory Corners.
My mom chews tobacco.
[LAUGHS.]
- It's okay.
You didn't offend me - .
Ow.
I know your heart.
But if anybody asks, I beat your ass.
[CHUCKLES.]
Deal.
All right.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you by telling you I didn't like your gift.
That's okay.
I know your heart, too.
Thank you.
But why did you tell me it looked cute on me? Okay.
Here we go.
See, on you, Little House on the Prairie.
On me, 12 Years a Slave.
- Get it? - Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't care what he thinks.
I like the tang.
Hey, Dave.
Oh, I guess we're just walking into each other's houses now.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on, man.
Now, it doesn't have to be like this.
Are you kidding? You humiliated me in front of everyone.
Well, you disrespected me when you showed up with your ribs.
Oh, you want to talk about disrespect? I offered to help you out, and you gave me napkins.
I mean, sure, I knocked napkins straight out of the park, but Come on, Dave.
Look, you got to look at this from where I'm standing.
I've been hosting the Yardecue for a decade.
Now, here you come, just trying to take it over.
That's not what I'm trying to do at all.
I just want to be a part of the neighborhood.
Look, I know, all right? But you just got here.
You haven't earned it yet.
It took me 20 years to be put in charge of the Yardecue.
Three people had to die.
Two of old age and one of Old Miss Kim.
Look, man, what I'm saying is that people have been waiting a long time, and you just can't go skipping the line.
That's not what you told me at Disneyland.
But I gotcha.
Good.
We're cool? - Yeah, we're cool.
- Cool, man.
Come on, let's go back outside and have a beer.
- Man, come on.
- Okay.
Hey, so, next year potato salad? I'll give you ice.
Marty's gonna be so jealous.
Hey, Vanessa.
Hey, guys.
What's up? When-when you walked by, - uh, earlier - Earlier, we was just wondering You know, um Which one of us Amateurs.
See? I told you you could rock those earrings.
You just needed to adjust your look.
And I told you you could rock that blouse.
You just needed the right accessories.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- What up, Harriet Tubman? Aw, hell, no.
So? What do you think? I got to admit, Dave, not bad.
I told you you'd like my tang.
That's it.
I'm done.