The Neighbors s02e01 Episode Script

I'm sad, Deb.
This is it.
This is the last of the summer brew.
You know, Marty, they sell summer beer all year long.
Right, like I'm gonna be the schmuck drinking a summer beer after labor day.
Happy anniversary, Weavers! We let ourselves in.
- You always do.
- One of these days, I'm not gonna be wearing pants! Oh, it's not anything we haven't already seen on the video feed.
Congratulations, by the way.
Today marks one year since you moved in next door.
We thought it would be nice to celebrate - with a little champagne.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Great.
- Oh! Now it's less nice.
- Is that not right? - Not right.
- Boats only.
- I told you.
- Sorry.
I'll get some rags.
I thought we could celebrate our history together via my storytelling prowess.
Jackie loves it when I tell her a good story, don't you, muffin top? I love it when you do anything, muffin bottom.
I brought props.
I'm like carrot top.
And, I never thought I'd say this, but even funnier.
Once upon a time, a powerful hero with flowing blond locks brought his people from a distant planet to seek a new home here on earth.
His name was Larry Bird.
- Oh, he's going with third person.
- It's a choice.
His people took athletes' names to honor earth's finest physical specimens and golf attire so that they would blend in to their new golf community.
- Honey! - Go on.
Go on.
- I'm writing everything down.
- Oh.
And last year, Marty and Debbie Weaver purchased the unit next door.
Oof, I look like my mother.
Wow, you do! Pretty soon, the teenagers became best friends.
And even the ungainly little Weaver children - Aww.
They're so cute.
- Aww.
Look at how cute.
Became joined at the hip to the aliens' super-sexy son, Dick Butkus.
He can say it.
He's his father.
God, remember where we were a year ago? Oh, I thought they were gonna abduct the children.
Oh, and we thought that "Smash" was going to last forever.
Not even a pity move to Fridays.
Hmm.
Well, you know, it's such a nice night.
What do you say we have one more summer night game of cards on the patio? That sounds lovely.
- Yeah? - Great.
- Yes! Let us! Humans and aliens in harmony together.
No more surprises.
Do you think they saw us? So, our daughter is dating an alien.
He's he's very sweet.
He seems harmless.
He's definitely hairless.
No, see.
I can't do it.
Because I keep imagining my daughter touching tongues with that gecko who sells car insurance.
Months.
They've been dating months.
But did I know? No.
Because my daughter didn't tell me.
Because we don't share.
We don't gab.
We don't play footsie in bed like the mother and daughter in "Terms of Endearment.
" Honey, why do you idealize that relationship? The daughter in that movie died.
You are a man.
You are never going to understand "Terms of Endearment" properly, okay? They talked on the phone a lot, and then she died! I think I followed the thread! You know what? Could we not have the "Terms of Endearment" fight right now? It's a great movie.
- She died slowly of cancer.
- It's a great movie! She died a painful death of cancer! She married someone her mother didn't love, by the way! Okay.
So, I know that I can be a little possessive when it comes to Reggie Jackson, so I'm going to think this out logically.
I mean, do I wish that he forewent dating altogether and stayed with me forever? - Yes, you do.
- Yes, I do.
And do I sometimes fantasize that he was pocket-sized so I can carry him around with me in my breast pocket? More than I'm comfortable with.
I just want him to love me much, much more than he loves anyone else.
Is that too much to ask? It may be too much to even think.
- Snookums- We will not waste our energy on this.
I have more than enough to worry about now that daddy has cut us off financially because we wanted to stay here on earth.
And did you know that, contrary to popular opinion, it is less money, mo' problems? Husband, you'll figure out our finances.
- Reggie Jackson - As a Zabvronian, Reggie has his own predestined soul mate back on Zabvron, and it certainly isn't that hormonal angel of darkness next door.
- Hmm.
But don't you think we should consider - Darling.
- But I want but if you could just - Discussion over.
- I just want - That's enough, muffin.
What do you think you're doing? No, cupcake! Oh! Don't you dare! I call a family conference! Oh, God.
Do you know what that is? A clown from the 1920s? It's the family-conference whistle.
My parents must be displeased.
I hate it when my parents are displeased.
You got to stop caring about what your parents think, man.
Parents don't understand.
Ring! Ring! Hey, Amber.
DJ Jazzy Jeff called and Yes? He wants his expression to go back to him.
No.
If you don't care about what your parents think, then why have we been sneaking around all summer? Because my mom is like 100 years old and totally useless.
She's like dial-up Internet.
I mean, it takes four hours for her to get to the point.
And even then, it sounds like "krrrrrrrrrk.
" I just hate that I've upset my 'rentals.
Father has enough on his plate trying to come up with new ways to earn money for us.
Amber, why can't my parents just realize that we're supposed to be together forever, that love has lifted us up where we belong? Reggie It wants its cheesy lyric back.
Oh, that's how you do it.
What we need to remember is they're 16 years old, okay? - These things don't last.
- We got together at 16.
Yeah, but come on.
If you had gotten into a real college Ooh, it would have been over by freshman Thanksgiving.
I probably would have moved to Italy, taken a lover, and opened a restaurant with the best puttanesca in all the land.
Wow.
That's pretty thought out.
Diane Lane would have played me in the movie.
I have an announcement! I would have called it "la vierna," and we would have changed the menu every day.
Okay, done.
Hi, guys.
We're having a family conference about Reggie and Amber, and we'd like you two to join us.
It's what we do when an issue occurs which requires debate.
I'm all for simply forbidding this doomed union, but my wife wants a conference.
And you know the old saying Happy wife, happy life That's wrong.
Anyway, if you will be joining the conference, we'll need to order additional seating and staff.
- Staff? - Staff.
- Staff? - Yes.
Just come on in.
Come on in.
Go ahead.
Get yourselves checked in with the receptionist.
I prefer office manager.
Good afternoon, and welcome to the family conference.
Just to be clear, I object to everything that's happening here.
But I'm curious as to what sort of weirdness is going down, so I'm rolling with it.
Next! Did she just walk into the closet? - You got to be kidding me.
- Whoa! - This is under their house.
- Okay, I love this! - This is awesome! - Cool! Every house is supposed to have the same floor plan.
We don't have an underground tunnel.
- It's not next to your nuclear-missile silo? - Bup, bup, bup.
- This is insane! - You know what's insane? That we're going to a bunker to talk about my relationship.
I mean, what else is there to say here? I already told you we're together.
Are you searching for gold? Eventually you told us.
Wait! Whoa.
My husband wants to unilaterally forbid this relationship.
And I'll admit, there's some temptation in that.
But I'm, as you say, trying to take my teeth off the umbilical cord.
So we are going to have a rational discussion followed by a vote which will determine whether or not Reggie and Amber may date.
What?! No! Debbie Weaver, you're up next! Oh, I I don't know.
I'm I'm wearing an old nursing bra because it's laundry day.
Okay, fine.
The lasers are on the clapper? Why didn't you clap when you were on this side? Because she's a showoff! Come on, Catherine Zeta.
Let's do this.
Welcome to the conference room.
Just a little thing we put together for conferences and wars.
Now, before I take lunch orders, sparkling or flat? It's gonna be such a long day.
Dick, I'll take sparkling.
Flat for me.
On our jumbotron, you'll see some of the rules and bylaws of the family conference.
We expect that everyone will respect the process.
In the event that you don't, we have a fully automated cyber moderator we can call on.
- We call him Jerry.
- Oh, like Siri? No, like Jerry springer.
Hello, everybody.
Now, Larry and Jackie, you're concerned that if Reggie and Amber date, that'll ruin the fabric of their relationship? We'll call you if we need you, Jerry! We usually go in order of prettiness, but, um I'm going to let Jackie go first this time.
Because, as the old saying goes, when the wife remains happy, the knife can stay in the drawer.
Where are you finding these sayings? All right.
You know what? You want to debate? Let's debate.
But first of all, whoever's playing footsie with me, can you please cut it out? Heaven forbid someone should touch you.
When you were a baby, you used to let me touch you all day long.
What other options did I have? I was a baby! She lets me touch her all the time.
- Ohh.
- Come on.
Dick, at your ready.
I'm live.
I'm trying not to rush to judgment.
So I have input both, uh, Reggie and Amber's genetic data into a breeding algorithm to hypothesize possibilities for a human/zabvronian half-breed.
- Okay, we are neither breeding, nor half-breeding.
- Yet.
But I'm sure one day she'll put a little Mickey mantle in my belly.
- Oh, Reggie.
- Come on.
So Crossbreeding will likely produce one of three options, and this is the first.
Oh, my.
It's quite unholy, I know.
But we could also get this.
Oh! Lizard baby.
It's a lizard baby.
All I see is your mother in that one.
It gives me the chills.
Perhaps you prefer option number three.
- Is that an orchid? - That's an orchid.
We are mostly plant based.
- That's why you smell so - Grassy, yes! Grassy.
Marty, you're up next.
While it's hard for me to accept that my daughter is dating anyone, I like Reggie, you know? And I like his family.
So, I don't know how I feel, you know? Which has been, granted, a lifelong struggle for me in general.
My mom was a train wreck, totally oblivious and self-involved.
And I swore I would not be the same way.
Relationships are difficult, even in the best of circumstances.
And I really feel I put my family first, but I missed this whole thing.
Maybe I won't end up with a Zabvronian.
What did you just say?! It's important that we respect each other He said, "maybe I won't end up with a Zab" Yes, I know what he just said, Dick! Don't speak to me in that tone.
I'm only doing my job.
That we're kind to each other.
Let's just say I wanted to pick up a couple of extra dollars.
What do you think we'd get for Dick on the open market? And I think it's because of my father, you know? - 'Cause -Oh, my God! You are so boring! Can we please just vote? Nay on Reggie and Amber.
As you all know, when it is time, Reggie and his soul mate will be pulled to their feet by an intractable universal force.
You know what? - Let's take class outside for a demonstration.
- Ooh! Let's pretend that this magnet is Reggie.
And that Diet Dr.
Pepper is Reggie's soul mate United for all eternity.
So, that's why I'm voting against this relationship.
Reggie should just be waiting for her, Mrs.
Diet Dr.
Pepper.
- Let's break for lunch! - Okay.
How did we miss this? What have we been doing the past two months? I'm worried about her, Marty.
Honey.
Wow, you're really close all of a sudden.
What if Reggie really does have, like, this soul mate out there? Are you serious about this relationship? Are you in love with him? Are you in love with him and you didn't tell me? I've got this, Amber.
Yes, we're in love, and we're going to be together forever Just us, a little house, and 2.
5 orchids - or lizards.
- Okay, stop! Outside! Right now! Yes, ma'am.
No, Carlos.
Now is not a good time.
Reggie, you have to stop talking about us like we're in "The Notebook," okay? I like you, but I'm not ready to use words like "forever" or "lizards" yet.
But if we're not together forever, that means we're going to break up, and I never want to break up.
"Never" is another one of those stressful words.
Okay, fine.
I do not ever want to break up with you.
I want to be with you always.
"Always" pushes some buttons, too.
What words don't push buttons for you?! Just regular, non-freaky words! God, I love your guts! You are so huggable! Why am I in trouble?! Because you're the one that brought your alien family onto our planet! Oh, no, you didn't! Hey! I heard a "oh, no, you didn't!" - Go away, Jerry! - What the So, is that how you see it, hmm? This is your planet, and we're just problem-causing interlopers? I'm sorry, Jackie, but it's tough enough raising three kids without throwing some alien grandkids into the mix.
Do you know how hard it is to take care of an orchid? We should have just forbid this union instead of allowing Reggie to roam next door for a little strange.
Strange is right! Unless that's a word I just can't use, either.
Hey.
That's not very nice.
Hey.
Who you calling strange, by the way? She's a princess! Who gives a monkey? I mean, I've never been spoken to like that in my life.
Everyone stop fighting! And sit down! Reggie gave Amber a new face.
What?! I told you not to use that technology here! I didn't! I know all of my sister's faces.
There's 13 of them.
Look.
Okay.
There's "sleepy morning" face, "mad" face, "mad at mom" face.
- Kids and technology.
- It's their generation.
Anyways Reggie gave Amber a 14th face.
And it's the only face where she smiles so big you can see her teeth.
You smile with your teeth? I wasn't even sure she had all her teeth.
She does.
I've felt them all with my tongues.
Reggie, please.
Stop.
Anyways, I think you should all vote for Amber and Reggie in honor of my sister's 14th face.
Wow.
Om.
Max, Dick, let's leave the grown-ups to it.
I'm out.
Hmm.
Really wish I'd heard that speech before I made that call.
- What call? - What call? Yep.
There it is.
- That's for me.
- Yep.
It is.
Hello.
Um who the hell is this? This is my - Soul mate.
- Soul mate.
Did you just say this is your "soul mate"? He did.
I would like to introduce myself to your family, but I don't yet have a name for my human form.
Would you like to name me? Um - Please name me.
- Wow.
Way more intimate a thing to say than you would think.
Uh, J-Jane.
J-Jane's good.
I'm Jane.
I'm here to claim Reggie Jackson for all of time.
And you are? Going to gouge out your dimples with my thumbs.
- I like that.
- You go for the face.
I'll take her out at the knees.
- On 3.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Okay.
No need.
You have to go.
I-I have a girlfriend.
I'll wait for you outside.
We have time.
We have all of eternity.
So, that was upsetting.
How did she even get here, huh? I mean, I assume a spaceship, but that's, like, the ninth person to visit this year.
Is anyone else noticing? How many spaceships have to land in New Jersey before NASA notices? You intervened? They're supposed to be brought together by a universal force.
So I made a call, and she's here a tad early.
But she is the one.
Right? That chemistry was undeniable.
What?! No.
E what? Oh, my sweet, dark one, this was going to happen eventually.
Better happen now before you get even more attached.
Don't listen to him, Amber.
I'm sure she's already gone.
Baby, what can I do? I'm here.
I want to help.
Talk to me, I'm begging you.
Fine, mom.
I'll talk.
Reggie and I were best friends for a year, and now we're dating.
But we don't even hold hands because I don't really think he knows how.
It just seems like a weird thing to hold.
And also he keeps talking about me putting a little Mickey mantle in his belly, which totally freaks me out.
And he has a soul mate who isn't me, and that freaks me out even more.
Do you want mommy to help? Yes.
Reggie, you're freaking her out.
I know! But I can't figure out how to stop doing it.
The woman's an enigma wrapped in a grouchy, adorable riddle.
Okay.
How about this? Reg, you are not allowed to talk to Amber about anything that takes place more than one month in the future.
Oh.
That's easy.
That works, right? Huh.
Mom, we've been talking in circles for, like, three months.
That actually totally solves it.
Boom! Take that, Shirley MacLaine, you hack! So, I know no one's asking.
But after this whole "we don't even hold hands" little bit of information, I know how I'm feeling pro relationship.
So, let's vote.
No.
There is going to be no vote.
- Reggie - Everybody, sit down.
- Don't sit.
- Right.
Amber.
I know it bothers you when I talk about the future, and I will try to do that less, starting tomorrow.
But right now, I have to say this I do have a predestined soul mate, and I was pulled through space and time by a universal force to meet her.
It's you, Amber.
You are why I'm here.
It is why my family came to earth, and it is why your family moved next door So we could meet.
"The Notebook" is bush league, Amber.
Heaven and earth moved for us.
I will say we got a weirdly good deal on the house.
Could we move this along? "Shark Tank" starts in four minutes.
Watch it without me! I would like a moment alone with my girlfriend.
I will wait to watch it.
Thank you, mother.
I love you.
Most? Sure.
Yes.
Well, I like you even when I don't try to - Oh.
- Hello.
Hey.
Hi.
I still like you how you doing? Impressive speech.
But, uh, what about the girl outside? You know, the one you're magnetically attracted to? Just tall tales from my father.
You're sure? Absolutely.
Okay.
Well, I'm still gonna go out the back to avoid your cosmic stalker.
Understood.
Thanks for the hand holding.
I think I get it now.
And don't worry! You're my chosen one! You're my chosen Whoa! Oh, boy.
Still have no money and no way to get any.
So, uh, let's brainstorm.
There are no bad ideas.
What can we think of? Lemonade stand! Interesting.
- Invent perpetual motion! - Ooh, I like it.
- Break into the U.
S.
treasury! - Keep it coming.
- We could dance for money.
- Creative.
- Sell our hair.
- Interesting.
- Sell our bodies.
- Good one.
You could get a job.
What's wrong with you? Are you an idiot? I married an idiot.
Meeting adjourned! "Get a job"? Get a job?! I think we're going to be dealing with this for the rest of the year.