The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e01 Episode Script

Oh.
Hey, Burton.
Who is this? This is my girlfriend.
- Girlfriend? - Hi.
I'm Christine.
Are you freaking kidding me? I'm breaking up with you.
Christine - You kissed me.
You kissed me.
- You kissed me.
You kissed me.
Damn it if I wouldn't kiss you again right now.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? No.
Great food-- no atmosphere.
Okay.
That's good.
All right, who wants some more pancakes? Okay, my turn.
A traveling salesman stops at a farm.
The farmer has three daughters and a cow.
Richard! Richard, no.
There's no more coffee.
Richard finished it off.
Oh, Richard did.
Yeah, just make some more.
I don't know how.
So, honey, what do you think? First day of fourth grade.
New teacher.
- Are you nervous? - No.
'Cause even though you're nervous, honey, and you're gonna miss Mrs.
Belt, remember, you're getting a new teacher who might even be better than Mrs.
Belt.
Better how? Well I had a fourth-grade teacher who was really nice.
He even took us camping once.
Just the girls.
Oh, Richard, you know what, you better get going, if you're going to finish the drywall in the laundry room.
I'm not paying you to eat pancakes.
You're not paying me at all.
Say good-bye to your bonus.
Okay, buddy, you need to go upstairs and brush your teeth.
- Not just the front two.
- Okay.
Yeah, you've got to brush all the ones that show.
- Okay, I'll take him.
Oh! - Oh, what a big boy.
I want him gone.
What is your problem? He is here all the time, drinks all the coffee.
He eats all the food.
He falls asleep on the couch with his hand in his pants.
And if he's doing all that, what do you need me for? Oh, come on.
I need you.
You're my brother.
It's in my will.
You're pulling my plug.
Wait.
I thought Mom was pulling your plug.
No, Mom is pulling your plug.
You're pulling my plug.
You know what? Pull your own plug.
Come on.
We have to be nice to Richard.
He's in pain.
I mean not only did "New Christine" break up with him, but she won't even return his phone calls.
He's having a hard time.
So you're just letting him hang around here out of the goodness of your heart? Yeah.
You know me.
I'm a good person.
Shut up.
I am.
Right, or you're taking advantage of his neediness to make you feel less lonely.
Oh, Matthew, that is so awful.
Who do you think I am? Well, it's either that or you're exploiting his break-up to get him to build you a new laundry room.
Yeah, that's who I am.
But how did the salesman not know the difference between a cow and a farmer's daughter? Sweetie, you have got to let this go, okay? It is not a true story, and it's filthy.
Okay? Now go and find your cubby.
- Hello, Christine.
- Hello.
You made it back.
Yes, of course I made it back.
Why wouldn't I make it back? How was your vacation? Don't say "vacation.
" She works.
She's probably going to get fired just for being here.
No, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
No, my summer was great, actually.
Richard's building me a new laundry room.
It's got a super-capacity washing machine.
It's so big you could practically live in it.
The box alone is bigger than my bedroom.
Well, we have some boxes in the garage if you need some more.
Oh, no, no.
That was, that was a joke.
Oh.
Okay.
So, have you, um, have you heard anything about the new teacher? Kelsey didn't even want to come today.
Yeah, Kelsey had a bit of a girl crush on Mrs.
Belt last year.
I think that's pretty standard for third grade.
Is it? She's not a lesbian! Well, you know what? We're all going to miss Mrs.
Belt.
Oh, hello ladies.
I'm Daniel Harris, the fourth grade teacher.
You're welcome to hang around if you like, while the kids are introducing themselves.
You know, new classroom, new teacher We all have a few first-day jitters.
And I know how fond everyone was of Mrs.
Belt.
- Who? - Who? - Who? Maybe not.
Wow.
I didn't know diversity could be so gorgeous.
Is this your doing? I wish I could take credit, but, uh God did that.
Wow, I, I gotta get back to church.
Before we ask our parents to say their good-byes I'd like each of you to stand and introduce yourselves and maybe tell us anything exciting that happened to you over the summer.
Okay? That's right, honey.
Get in there.
Yes.
Yes, young lady.
My name is Ashley and this summer I went to Sleep Away Horse Camp in the Berkshires.
My favorite hotel is the Four Seasons in Maui, and I'm the best speller in the class.
Can you spell "modest"? Yes, the lovely young lady in the back.
Stand up! My name is Kelsey and this summer I went to camp and I played basketball, field hockey, bowling, boxing and softball.
I also collected all the cards of the major WNBA players.
And you are? My name is Ritchie Campbell.
Anything exciting happen to you over the summer, Mr.
Campbell? Yes.
This summer my parents got back together.
So, you and Richard? How did that happen? Tell us everything.
No, there's nothing to tell.
Oh, come on.
I told you my daughter's a lesbian.
No, no, we're not back together.
Ritchie got confused.
I mean, yeah, Richard and I spent a lot of time together over the summer, but I thought he understood it didn't mean anything and Oh, my God.
I'm going to have to break it to him all over again that his parents are splitting up.
Oh, God.
I am the worst mother ever.
But, but, I-I didn't know what I was doing.
See, I got blinded by the laundry room.
It's got one of those fabric-softener sheet dispensers that you can just, just pull them out like a Kleenex box.
I got stars in my eyes.
I gotta go talk to Richard.
We gotta fix this.
Well.
What a mess.
I'm going to go tell Mr.
Harris I have an open marriage.
Ritchie thinks we're back together.
- He does? - Yeah.
He stood up in front of the entire class with his little face and his giant teeth and he announced it.
Richard, do you realize what this means? We're gonna have to have the talk with him again.
We're going to have to sit him down and explain why Mommy and Daddy can't be together anymore.
How sometimes people grow in different ways and it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
In fact, sometimes they can love each other more that way.
And all the rest of the horse crap we fed him the first time around.
Or we could just get back together.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
That would certainly solve the problem.
What? What? I don't know.
Why not? Why not? Why not? There are a thousand reasons why not.
- Like what? - Like what? Like what? We had a nice summer, didn't we? It felt natural.
Besides, New Christine left me two months ago.
I'm lonely.
And if I'm lonely, you must be really lonely.
Well, think about it.
I gotta hit the hardware store.
I ordered you a dripless bleach dispenser for the laundry room.
You did? I thought you might like it.
I do.
There's more where that came from.
So you and Richard are back together? No.
We're not back together.
Ritchie just thinks we're back together.
So, what does that mean for me? Matthew, listen.
Richard has fallen back in love with me, okay? Desperately, desperately in love with me.
Do I have to move? Do I get two weeks notice? What? This is all my fault, of course.
I mean, what was I thinking, you know? Letting him hang out here all summer.
Me, prancing around in my cut-off sweatpants and my toe ring.
I sure wish I knew this before I painted the solar system on my ceiling.
Matthew, I have a problem.
You have a home-- with a detached planetarium.
What have I got? Why would you have to move out? Because you've got a new patriarch.
There's no room for me.
What? You were never the patriarch.
I guess I'll just move back home, be Mom's patriarch again.
You know what? I think you really need to look that word up.
God, no.
We're not getting back together.
It never even entered my mind to get back together with Richard.
Oh, Christine.
Come on.
You've been playing house all summer.
What? No, we haven't.
He's been working for me.
You don't pay him! Plus, if he's just here to build a laundry room, why does he have to eat breakfast here? Why does he have to watch movies on the couch? Why does he have to use my bathroom? Why does he come over on Sundays and watch football and make chili and then use my bathroom? That doesn't mean anything.
Come on, you made out with him in his truck.
So what? I've made out with dozens of guys in their trucks.
You're not being honest with yourself.
I think you basically are back together.
Ritchie was just the first one to say it out loud.
Oh, you're nuts, okay? We've just been hanging out, all right? I make him a couple of lists, he does a couple of errands.
He falls asleep on the couch.
I go to bed.
There's no sex.
Oh, my God, we're totally back together.
So if we do this, and I'm not saying we're gonna, because it's crazy how would it work? I mean, would we go on dates or? Do you want to go on dates? I hate dates.
Then no dates.
Well, I mean, so then what would we do? I don't know.
Hang out, rent movies, watch football, make chili.
So basically, what we do now? Yeah.
Plus sex.
We'd have sex? We both still drink, don't we? So drunk sex.
And there wouldn't be any pressure because God knows we've already disappointed each other in every way imaginable.
Every way! I know, that's what I said.
You know, it would be so much easier to be together because then we wouldn't have to shuttle Ritchie back and forth anymore, you know? No more scheduling vacations and holidays.
No more singles scene.
Oh, God, I could eat what I want.
I could wear comfortable underwear.
I could stop all that shaving and plucking and waxing.
You don't have to stop that altogether.
We're so comfortable, we really are, you know? I mean, who else am I gonna get that with? But you know what? We have to make a decision one way or the other so we know what to tell Ritchie.
I agree.
And we should probably decide today, you know, the sooner the better.
I say we try it.
Okay, let's try it.
Really? Yeah.
Great.
So, should we kick it off? Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe I should try some boob action.
Maybe you should stop saying, "boob action.
" The truck is a great idea.
Yeah, I know you love trucks.
Hey, what's not to love? That was better, huh? You want to keep going? Do you? I could.
This is the same truck, right? Same one.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, Mr.
Harris, I'm, I'm sorry.
I was looking for Ritchie.
I'm, I'm, um, Christine Campbell.
I'm Ritchie's mother.
Of course.
The kids are a few minutes late getting back from computer class, but they should be here soon.
Please sit down, Mrs.
Campbell.
Oh, you can call me Christine.
All right, Christine.
That was weird.
I think Ritchie had a nice first day.
Oh, good.
Yeah, but you might want to talk to him about the difference between public information and private information.
Oh, God.
What did he say? Oh, no, no, no.
Nothing the other kids understood, but just think about putting a lock on your nightstand.
That, uh, that was a gag gift from when I from when I got divorced, and, you know, I barely use it.
I mean, I don't I-I don't use it.
You know, except occasionally on my, my neck.
Uh, no, he brought your bank statement in.
Oh, good.
So I guess congratulations are in order for you? What? Oh, no, no, I'm not pregnant.
I just had a lot of pancakes for breakfast.
No, no, no, I meant the reconciliation with your husband.
Oh, oh, that.
Right.
Yeah, well, Ritchie kind of got that wrong, Mr.
Harris.
Daniel.
- No, I'm Christine.
- I know.
I'm Daniel.
Oh, right, yeah.
I'm not good with names, so So you're not getting back together with your husband? Well, we, we weren't, but now I guess we are.
It was an unusual summer.
And there was some confusion last year, and well there is some kissing, actually.
Oh, kissing.
Kissing often leads to confusion.
Kissing.
Yeah, after my divorce, my ex-wife and I had a few confused encounters, too.
Your ex-wife? Yeah, I don't know why I just told you that.
Oh, no, no, I loved it.
I mean, you know, that's fine, fine.
Um, I think that I'm going to, um, wait for Ritchie outside.
But I will, I'll see you around, okay, Mr.
Daniel? Uh Harris.
I'm back.
What is this? I don't know.
I think it's a commercial, but it's been on for, like, a half an hour.
Richard, I want passion.
Okay, I'll switch it to Showtime.
Something is missing.
I mean, I don't know.
Even in the truck, it didn't feel I didn't feel the way Mr.
Harris made me feel, and I think I want to feel that way.
I think we both want to feel that way.
Who's Mr.
Harris? He's Ritchie's new fourth grade teacher.
And of course I don't mean him actually because that would be inappropriate.
It would, right? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah, of course, so, not him.
Forget Mr.
Harris, okay? Let's all try and forget Mr.
Harris.
But Richard, I-I want somebody who makes me fall off of desks and walk into doors.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't think we can do this.
What? You haven't even given it a shot.
I was really getting used to the idea.
I was thinking we could go away this weekend.
I planned this whole thing.
Oh, really? Where were you going to take me? Well, I didn't get that far because I didn't know if you already had plans, but I got the truck washed.
Come on, Richard.
I mean, the only reason you want this is because you don't have new Christine and you're lonely and I'm here.
So? "So"?! That's not enough.
What if it's enough for me? You're not even giving it a chance.
We gave it a chance.
We gave it ten years of a chance.
You said you'd try it.
Yeah, well, I changed my mind.
Where does that leave me? I feel like you're jerking me around.
Well, I am sorry if you have to be alone for a minute and a half.
You are a grown man.
Deal with it! Oh, God, you are so! What? What?! Richard, what are you doing?! I thought that's why we were doing this.
You're an idiot! You said you wanted passion.
Richard, we both deserve passion, okay? Let me ask you something.
If you could have New Christine back right now at this minute, would you want her? Hell, yes, I'd want her.
Well, that hurts my feelings.
Christine, what do you want from me? I'm sorry, but I want more than this.
I guess I want more than this, too.
Well, that hurts my feelings.
So what do we do about Ritchie? Well, hopefully our good relationship as friends is better for Ritchie than our bad relationship as husband and wife.
Can we still make chili on Sundays? Yeah, of course.
Except stay out of Matthew's bathroom.
Can we still have sex? Yeah, just not with each other.
That hurts my feelings.
Okay, sweetie, I just want to make sure you're okay.
Okay? Do you have any questions? Can a man ever marry a cow? Sweetheart, you're going to have to get off of that, all right? Anything else? Is Daddy still going to rent movies with us and watch football and make chili? Yeah, yeah.
He loves us and we love him.
So of course we're going to do all those things.
As soon as he finishes the laundry room.
- Then I'm okay.
- Oh, good.
Okay.
I'm going to go check on my spin cycle.
Well, no one seems to be asking, but I'm okay, too.