The Odd Couple (2015) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Come on, Felix, hurry up! Hors d'oeuvres are almost ready.
Hors d'oeuvres are ready! Ooh! Generic Cool Ranch chips.
What's the occasion? What are you talking about? We're gonna watch Boobs and Dragons.
It's called Game of Thrones.
And I'm so sorry, but I already watched this week's episode with Emily.
After all the trouble I went through? Look, I made dip.
I see you've been working out.
And don't you spend enough time with Emily? This is the only thing we like to do together.
- And you know the saying.
- Yes, I know.
"Gents before wenches," yes.
And I'm sorry.
We'll watch next week.
I'm actually due down at Emily's right this minute, so I thought we were gonna see boobs, but if you'd rather hang out with a girl Oscar, are you cooking? - I'm reheating a pizza.
- Did you take it out of the box? I was focused on the hors d'oeuvres! Honestly, Oscar! I don't know why I put up with you! You have to be the single most WOMAN: Irresponsible man on earth! Oscar, do you hear that little voice, too, or have you finally driven me insane? MAN: Okay, here we go again! I'm barely home and already you're criticizing me! Who's that? Must be the couple upstairs.
WOMAN: Do you have to smoke out here all the time? MAN: Well, you won't let me do it in the house! WOMAN: You shouldn't do it anywhere, Frank.
What, you want to kill yourself? FRANK: Right now I do! - WOMAN: Oh, that's ridiculous - What are you doing? We're not gonna stand in the doorway and eavesdrop.
No, we're gonna go out on the terrace where we can hear better.
Do what you want, but I will not compromise my morals for some cheap thrill.
Suit yourself.
(arguing continues) She thinks he's having an affair! I don't care.
(arguing continues) With his slutty secretary.
Not interested.
Who's also her cousin! Damn it! WOMAN: And what about the office Christmas party? Was that innocent, too? Again? She brought that up twice yesterday.
Well, if Frank would listen, she wouldn't have to repeat herself.
FRANK: I was drunk, Linda.
I don't remember anything.
Rookie move, Frank.
LINDA: Un-frickin'-believable! Between all the drinking and the cigarettes, I don't know why you bother going down to that gym every morning.
We have a gym? It's next to the laundry room.
We have a laundry room? (ringtone playing) (shushing) Quiet, quiet, quiet! Damn these skinny jeans! It's Emily.
I should take this.
LINDA: Then why did Sheila just text you a picture of her feet?! I'll call you back! So, tell me this.
If Frank wasn't feeling guilty about the flowers he bought his secretary, why, then, did he hide the receipt from Linda, hmm? Because she's completely irrational.
- You know how Linda gets.
- I do.
- She just flies off the handle! - I know exactly how she gets.
Aw, there he is.
My big, sexy boyfriend.
I'll give you "boyfriend.
" Here, we can scoot.
We've got enough space for your skinny butts.
No, no, we're just grabbing some food to go, while Frank takes a very suspicious post-work shower.
Oh, please.
He's probably just coming from the gym.
Mm-hmm.
Was he? Or is he washing off the telltale scent of secretarial-cousin perfume? You are two sad, old biddies.
No, we're just having fun.
It's perfectly harmless.
That'll be an interesting defense to make just before God pulls the lever that sends you both to hell.
That's right, there's a lever.
Felix is obsessed with those neighbors.
Last night, in bed, he called me Linda.
And Frank.
Hmm.
Well, you're always saying you don't have time for your jewelry business.
With Felix busy, now's your chance.
That's true.
I haven't met my sales goal for the quarter.
What's your goal? To sell something.
I should just give up and work here full-time.
I can be one of those career waitresses, who calls everybody "honey" and fills the emptiness with day-old pie.
No offense, Maureen.
None taken, honey.
Hey, at least you're not Oscar's assistant.
Last night, I used my college degree to find him pretzels that were, and I quote, "You know, the same ones we had that one time we were watching that thing.
" Please.
I'm his agent.
And I spent three months trying to get him.
Danica Patrick's personal e-mail.
And then another month pretending to be Danica Patrick.
Yeah, they're making plans to go to St.
Barts.
How the hell am I gonna pull that off? We're all just in a rut.
We should do something to shake it up.
Ooh, how about this race thing I read about in The Village Voice? Oh, Lord, can we go a day without having a discussion about race? It's a running race to the top of the Empire State Building.
Oh.
I don't want to do that, either.
That sounds like fun.
We can train on the stairs in my building.
We can totally motivate each other.
Yes, I am in! Yeah, good for you.
There's nothing like being healthy.
Green salad and double-bacon cheeseburger.
You know what? I've changed my mind.
I will take that milkshake.
I just wish Linda wasn't such a hothead.
She makes some valid points, but she gets Frank so riled up that he just stops listening.
That's what makes it so exciting! Oh, I know, but I just, I wish I could give her some pointers on basic communication.
Oh, and how would you do that? Knock on their door and say, "Hi, I've been eavesdropping.
You're a mess, but I think I can fix you.
" You're right.
This calls for an anonymous letter, hmm? No, no.
They're human beings.
We need to respect their boundaries.
Absolutely.
To the terrace! Wait, I got to turn my ringer off.
I'm expecting a text from Danica Patrick.
Aw (mumbling) All right, you ready? All set.
Uh-huh.
I've got water, lip balm, an artisanal fig bar with chutney dipping sauce.
Felix packed for me.
Aw, yeah.
All right, well, let's do this thing! Yes! Hold on, wait for me.
Teddy, what are you doing here? Well, last night, I was telling my wife how dumb you two were for doing this thing.
Oh, how we laughed.
(chuckles) And then she told me I'm doing it, too.
Oh, how she laughed.
(laughs) What is that? It's a pedometer.
Diane's making me wear it.
It counts my steps so I can't flake out and lie about it.
Which, in her defense, was my plan.
All right, well, let's get started.
We're the Stair Masters.
The Step-by-Steppers.
The Jeffersons.
'Cause we moving on up.
- Good.
Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, it's a good one.
12th floor.
We're halfway there.
Time to dig deep.
Lift us up, Lord! Well, you can put me down, Lord, 'cause I quit.
I thought we were The Jeffersons.
Yeah, we are, and I'm feeling Weezy.
Teddy, what are you gonna tell your wife? I ain't scared of her.
Listen, before I go, I want to wish you good luck on your training.
Come on, bring it in, team.
Yeah, oh Oh, yeah.
Aw.
Aw, right there, uh-huh.
- All right.
- Okay.
Now, take a lot of steps.
Okay.
All right.
Maybe we should stop for the day, too.
I'm starting to feel a little sore.
Oh, honey, you're gonna feel my foot up your butt if you don't get up these stairs let's go! Let's go! I'm gonna drag you up these stairs by your hair if you don't get up there.
Come on, let's go! (humming) Separate, separate Or color bleeding is your fate Oh, the whites are hot and the colors are cold Dry on high Take out and fold.
LINDA: Stupid machine! Un-frickin'-believable! Why call it a washing machine if it doesn't wash the clothes? Oh, hello, fellow laundry doer.
Might I be of assistance? Nah, it's okay.
The machine did a terrible job.
And you're frustrated and angry.
Why wouldn't you be, hmm? Yeah, I was gonna wear this tonight.
Oh, that's right, you're going out.
Of your way to make sure that it's clean.
You know, I can't help but notice that you did this load on hot.
You know, laundry studies have shown that deeper stains actually respond better to cooler temperatures.
Much like people do.
"Laundry studies"? (laughs): The research is fascinating.
Don't get me started on that.
Yes, you know, laundry is a lot like relationships, you know? When things get too hot, those stubborn stains, like stubborn spouses, can dig in and set.
So, what am I supposed to do? Try not to yell at him.
You know, make him feel heard.
"Him" being the shirt, you know.
Shirts are boys, dresses are girls.
And, you know, if you don't wait to fold your clothes, you can avoid wrinkles.
The same way that if you don't go to bed angry, you can avoid wrinkles in your marriage.
Let me explain, and also, ooh, let me do that.
That's not Never do that.
Never, ever do that.
FELIX: Oscar! Hurry up! Have they started? Not yet.
But Frank should be home any minute, and I feel like today we could have a real breakthrough.
Why would you say that? Hmm? What? Why? No reason.
I don't know.
Huh? Look, I made hummus and a pillowy flatbread.
The crunch of yesterday's biscotti almost gave us away.
FRANK: I'm lighting a cigarette, Linda.
Aren't you gonna tear me a new one? LINDA: No, Frank, I'm not.
I've been thinking and, well, things between us have gotten a little overheated.
That doesn't sound like Linda.
What's she up to? Who knows? LINDA: You know, relationships are a lot like laundry.
What? The problem in our marriage is like a dirty blouse that I haven't been treating properly.
What kind of a lunatic compares laundry to Oh, my God, it was you.
FRANK: What's going on here, Linda? Are you drunk? LINDA: No, Frank, I'm not.
I'm finally seeing things clearly.
And after a lot of thinking, I decided I'm never gonna fight with you again.
Because you are a stain on my life that I need to get rid of! I'm leaving you, Frank! So what's the verdict on the hummus? What the hell did you say to her?! I was very clear.
I said pretreat the grass stains of marital discord with the fabric softener of forgiveness.
Good God, it's like the woman never heard a laundry metaphor! Felix, I warned you.
You shouldn't have meddled.
I know.
There's only one solution.
I'm gonna go up there and I'm gonna fix this.
Dressed as Gus, a wise old maintenance man who knows a thing or two about relationships.
No.
You have done enough.
We can't just stand by and do nothing.
I will think of something.
Why did you have to talk to her? You ruined our thing! And their marriage.
Fine.
But if you change your mind, I'll be standing by with my tool belt.
And a tender story about my late wife Cora.
That's a good machine.
I got the high score on that one.
(grunting) Are you finished with that? Oh, sure.
Yeah, go ahead.
Is anyone using the bench? No, no, no.
Today I'm mostly doing, uh, bis, tris, quads quints.
Hey, uh you need a spotter? Yeah, okay, sure.
Why not? - I mean, everybody needs a spotter, right? - Yeah.
Even in life.
What? I mean, think about it.
You always want someone by your side to help you carry the load.
You know what? I got this.
No, no, no.
That's the mistake most people make.
They let pride get in the way, and then before they know it, their spotter's heading out the door.
The one day I forget my earbuds.
So don't lose your spotter.
Reach out for her.
Cherish her.
Or him, if it's a dude.
Yeah, a little help? Please? See what I mean? Don't be ashamed to need someone.
(groans) Little help! (panting): That's it.
I'm done.
I think I'm crying, but my body can't make tears.
The race is in five days.
It's not the time to slack off.
Actually, you know what? I'm dropping out of the race.
What? No! If you quit now, what do you have? Something ice-blended.
Maybe a cookie.
You know what? I had a feeling you might flake.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know just when things get tough, you have a tendency to bail.
Like your jewelry business.
Well maybe my business isn't going gangbusters, but at least I have a dream.
What's yours? To be Oscar's pretzel-shopper the rest of your life? No! Maybe.
I don't know.
Exactly! So what's worse not achieving your goal or not even having one? Fine.
So we're both losers.
I W-We are.
Okay, then I quit, too.
Although, technically, you're a little bit more of a loser than me, because I went two steps higher than you.
Not that it matters.
Not that it matters.
Not that it matters.
Oh, it's on now.
Oh, it's on! It's on! It's on! Oscar, guess who I just saw walking into the lobby with a suitcase, possibly returning to her husband Frank? Not a whole lot left to guess there.
You did this.
I may have dropped a little advice on Frank.
Along with a barbell.
What are we waiting for? To the terrace! Our show's back on! And hooray for love.
FRANK: Yeah, me too.
We have a lot to talk about.
I've been thinking about everything you said, Linda, and there's something there's something I have to tell you.
Are you cold? I'm freezing out here.
L-Let's talk inside.
- (gasps) - LINDA: Aw, you're so considerate, Frank.
What do we do now? Find another place to listen.
I think I hear footsteps.
Remind me to make fun of you for that later.
They're going down the hallway! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! I hear something! EMILY: Dani, stop blocking me! DANI: So help me, I will shove you and say you fell.
Wrong fight! Felix, I found 'em! Great! Where? My bathroom! Oh, good Lord.
It's a wonder the potpourri didn't leave a suicide note.
That's not potpourri.
I think it was a Cobb salad.
FRANK: Thanks for giving me another chance, Linda.
I know that I can be stubborn sometimes.
LINDA: Well, what about me? I can be very critical.
You can hear much better up here.
It's okay, it was time to throw these shoes away anyway.
LINDA: So what made you call, Frank? FRANK: Well, you know, I was in the gym and-and I got some advice from one of the guys in that gay couple downstairs.
Phew, they think it's Derek and Balthazar.
They're talking about us.
(scoffs) You wear one summer scarf, and suddenly you're gay.
LINDA: Oh, that's that's weird.
FRANK: What is? LINDA: I got advice in the laundry room from one of those guys.
The little one who wore the scarf to the Fourth of July party.
It's like he knew we'd been fighting.
FRANK: You know, same with my guy.
Now, how would they know so much about our private lives? LINDA: Oh, my God.
You think they've been listening to us? FRANK: They do live right beneath us! LINDA: Frank, where are you going?! (door closes) Frank, don't hurt them! You're on parole! Go, go, go, go, go! What's that? My "go bag.
" It's got everything I need to start a new life.
This is where we say good-bye, Oscar.
In about a year, you're gonna get a postcard from a Wadsworth Dinsdale.
We can't leave.
We live here.
And sooner or later, we're gonna run into them.
No, no, no, you're right, you're right.
We need to be adults.
Admit our wrongdoing, beg for mercy.
Or play dumb and deny everything.
I like that better.
(pounding on door) Oh, look, Oscar, it's the nice lady from the laundry room.
Oh, and my buddy from the gym.
Hey, you still feeling that burn? My quints are killing me.
Drop it.
Okay? 'Cause we know exactly How dare you?! Uh, uh, uh! You've been eavesdropping on our private conversations?! Okay, now.
How dare you?! Barge into our house with these false accusations.
Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, man.
Do you actually think that we have nothing better to do than to eavesdrop on our neighbors? When, in reality, we spend our days chasing and bedding women.
Which we do! We made it to the top! Spurring each other on with our white-hot rage.
Yeah, I'm sorry I called you a loser.
Oh, I'm sorry I called you a quitter.
Promise we'll never fight again? Yes.
We don't want to turn into - their next Frank and Linda show.
- (laughs) I'm sorry.
Who are your friends? Frank.
Linda.
Do you have an extra wig in that go bag? - I just got a second wind! - Me, too! - More stairs? - Mm-hmm! You had no right to mess with our marriage.
It's his fault.
He dragged me into it! Oh, please, you loved it.
You made a drink called The Linda.
What? Whiskey sour with bitters.
It was funny in context.
Face it, Oscar none of this would've happened if you weren't so nosy.
You really think that's why I did this? I don't give a damn about our stupid neighbors.
- Hey! - You calling me stupid? I loved it because it was great to finally hang out with you.
What are you talking about? We're together constantly.
We're roommates.
Yep, told you.
You're spending so much time with Emily that we never get to Oh, forget it.
Oh, Oscar.
Are you saying you miss me? No! Aw.
Bring it in here, guy.
We'll find time to spend together.
We'll have a date night.
Okay.
As long as we never, ever call it that.
We should have a date night, Frank.
Maybe Friday we could go to a movie.
Uh, a little privacy please? Yeah, we're trying to have a moment here.
I can't Friday night.
I'm working late.
Yeah? Will my whore of a cousin be there? Quit nagging me, Linda! Third wind? Off we go.
Yep.
Oscar, what's this? Well, we gave up on eavesdropping, so I wanted to think of something else for us to do, and I think I found it.
Star-looking! Also known as astronomy! Yay! Oh, Oscar.
This takes me back.
Did I ever tell you that I was president of our astronomy society in high school? The Sky Guys.
So you were always kind of a dork.
Look, Oscar! You can see all the rings of Saturn.
Or you can see directly into the apartment across the street.
No, no, no, no.
Oscar! You can't be looking into people's windows.
- Have you learned nothing? - Oh, my God! A man is dragging a lumpy duffle bag through his apartment.
I wonder what's in it.
Or who? Damn it!