The Old Guys (2009) s02e01 Episode Script
Quiz
How are your breakfast olives, Roy? Tasty? Satisfying? Delicious.
How's your breakfast tomato puree and stale rice cake? It's lovely.
Mmm! Yum-yum-yum-yum.
I'm not giving in.
Me neither.
I know I'm the one who usually gives in over this, but I'm standing my ground.
It is your turn to do the food shopping.
You can't break me, Roy.
I've got two more purees and some toothpaste.
Listen I did it last time.
You did the last big shop.
Exactly! Yeah, but I did the last semi-big shop.
You popped to Londis for bread and milk.
And gravy granules and kitchen towel.
Kitchen towel constitutes a semi-big shop, Roy.
That's just how it is.
I don't make the rules.
What rules? The UN Grocery Regulations? The Marquis of Sainsbury Rules? There are no rules, Tom.
Don't touch my delicious puree.
Oh, hi, Sally.
Come on in.
Forgive me being in my dressing gown, it's just I am.
No worries, Tom.
Hi, Roy.
Hi, Sally.
I popped in to borrow your Guinness Book of Records, Tom.
Get myself full of facts for our pub quiz.
It's a great book.
My favourite ever book of all time.
Some people go for Middlemarch, and fair play to them.
But I prefer this beauty good solid facts.
Tall men and hairy women.
I'm really looking forward to tonight.
I think I should excel on the Arts questions.
Ask me anything.
OK.
In which? About the Arts.
But especially film.
Who? But nothing too obscure.
Or too obvious.
Films I've seen.
Ask me anything.
Um What was the last film you saw? An Education.
Well done.
Er is that your breakfast? or milk, or juice.
But we can offer you water, Sally.
Or Fybogel.
It's a mild laxative drink, but orange-flavoured.
I'm fine.
I need to meet a friend.
It's cold out there.
Hence the, um Nice coat.
And the um And boots.
Are they new? As good as.
They're from the Hospice Care charity shop.
They're getting some really great stuff in.
Hepatitis Action and Asthma Concern can go hang, frankly.
Roy's mildly asthmatic.
Is he? Yeah.
Frankly, I think the asthmatics are shamming it for attention.
Breathing's easy, why make such a big deal out of it? Look at him.
Cocky so-and-so.
Yeah, just cos he's winning and we're losing, he somehow thinks he's beating us.
I've no idea about that last question, about Lady Gaga.
No, me neither.
I know Lady Gaga's a singer, but Well, I know that much, Roy.
I didn't think she was a mentally ill member of the House of Lords.
Ha! They're all mentally ill if you ask me! No, they're not.
They do an important job of holding the Commons to account.
No, sure.
I don't want to get into a constitutional argument, but I will if pushed.
OK, brains back in gear, please.
The next question's about movies.
Good! Who was originally asked to play Mrs Robinson in the 1967 film, The Graduate? Elizabeth Taylor.
It was Doris Day, I think.
Yeah, Doris Day.
It was on that thing we watched about Doris Day.
No, no, no, not Doris Day.
Her image was much too wholesome.
Mrs Robinson was a femme fatale - they simply wouldn't have auditioned Doris for that.
I think it was Doris Day.
Tom, trust me.
I'm an actress.
The Arts are my thing.
I don't want to sound pretentious, but I breathe film.
Sally, I just think in this particular It probably was Elizabeth Taylor.
Yeah, Elizabeth Taylor, now I think about it.
Yes! Well done, clever clogs.
Thank you kindly, ma'am.
Remarkable.
Mrs Robinson was offered to Doris Day! Who'd have thought it? Well, it's not the winning, is it? It's the having fun.
And I've had a lovely time.
Where did we come? Um, fourth out of five.
Oh, well, not too bad, then.
Partial rather than abject humiliation.
Hooray! Right, I must get going.
Meeting my friend for a late supper.
Thanks for a terrific quiz! My condolences on your loss, gentlemen.
Although only to be expected.
You shouldn't worry about it.
What do you mean, "Only to be expected?" Well, just your age.
What about our age? We're different ages.
Different OLD ages.
Science tells us there's a huge shrinking of brain mass as one advances in years.
If you lived to be 300, you would have a brain the size of a walnut.
And a face like a walnut.
You would, effectively, BE a walnut.
So you think it was our ages that let us down tonight? That we're senile old codgers? All I'm saying is the brain gets smaller as you dodder unsteadily towards the grave.
It's no big deal.
You just need to accept that's where you're at now, all dentures and dementias.
God, this is good.
I'm so hungry.
Yeah, well, that's your own fault.
Oh, shut up, Tom.
Admit it's your turn to go shopping and take some responsibility.
Well, all right, all right.
What did your last slave die of? I kicked him to death.
Ah, my dear old friends.
I was going to offer you some Manchego cheese on the house.
The question is, whence does it come? Spain or Italy? Ah, but don't worry your elderly and frail minds, you can have it in any case.
Just a bit of fun! He's mocking us.
That was one huge mock.
I hate it.
I genuinely hate it.
The assumption of intellectual failure because one is a certain age.
We're not old, Tom.
No! Well, I'm not old.
You're a bit old.
Well, I'm not old.
Yeah, sure, it's just that, you know you did National Service in Caterham, I did acid in Wardour Street.
That's all.
You're Macmillan, I'm Warhol.
It's no biggie.
Anyway, we'll thrash Rajan at next week's quiz.
I am determined.
You know what? I think he was cheating on Tuesday.
All those trips to the loo - he was looking at the internet on his phone.
Really? Yeah.
Well, Sally's less-than-brilliant performance didn't help.
Tom, I was wondering perhaps we should drop Sally from the team.
Oh, I don't know about that, Roy.
That's pretty treacherous.
That's like when Heseltine stabbed Thatcher.
He didn't physically stab her, Tom.
We've been through that a number of times.
I'm just saying that Sally was pretty hopeless at everything, including films.
Yeah, and she's an actress, and she should know about films.
It's like you knowing about whatever it is you used to do for a living.
Have you forgotten again what I used to do for a living? No.
By which you mean? Yes.
Look, it's just it doesn't stick, Roy.
You tell me and then I immediately forget because it's Well, not boring necessarily, just not enormously compelling.
I was the Kent area manager for a nationwide chain of flooring warehouses specialising in Marmoleum and higher-end linoleum.
You see? How can I remember that? Why weren't you a baker or a fireman? Hey! Hello, team-mates! Hi.
Oh, hello, Sally.
This is Keith, the friend I've mentioned.
Keith, this is Tom and Roy, my quiz buddies.
How do you do? All right? Hello.
Well, I'll er I'll get those coffees, sweetheart.
Thank you very much, honey.
Handsome, isn't he? He's the headmaster of Steve's old school.
Independent boys.
Cost me a fortune, but there was no way I was sending my son to one of the local state atrocities.
Oh, I see.
Steve's very bright.
Just not in any way you can measure.
Another bloody boyfriend who isn't either of us.
Yeah.
She keeps on going out with men who aren't even remotely us.
It's like she's trying to tell us something.
You know, Tom, I think that we should give up on Sally.
Officially.
Like we gave up doing the Lottery and gave up trying to give up drinking.
Yeah.
I think I might make a move on Barbara, the new librarian.
She's sex on legs, isn't she? I don't really like that phrase, Tom, actually.
But yes, she is sexy.
And yes, she does have legs.
The library's great, Roy.
I know.
Not only is there sexy Barbara, there's loads of books.
There she is.
Phwoar.
Much sexier than Maureen was.
Maureen sometimes used to wear two cardigans at once.
She was mumsy.
Barbara isn't mumsy at all.
Unless you're Oedipus.
I've worked out a plan.
Go on.
I'm going to take these out to impress her.
I've got Madame Bovary, which is a famous old story from, like, years ago.
Oh, is it? Is it really? Apparently.
This big DIY manual, and this which is a book about enlivening your sexual technique.
She's going to think I'm a sensitive, practical guy who's good in bed.
Or possibly a suicidal self-abuser whose shelves are falling down.
God, it's the Guinness Book of Records! But a different one.
From 2009.
Well, they come out every year.
They what?! Tom, there's a new one every year.
Why didn't you tell me? There's new records! Loads of 'em! There's a new hairy woman! Roy, will you take this out for me on your card? Cos this won't impress Barbara.
Please! Just these three, please.
Ah, Flaubert.
Hmm.
Flaubert's the author of Madame Bovary.
Oh, Flaubert! Got you.
Wonderful novel.
Oh, it's a great book.
It's my favourite ever book of all time.
Some people go for Middlemarch, Fair play to them.
I go for this beauty.
I've read it 14 times.
14? Possibly 15.
And you don't actually own a copy yourself? No.
No, Barbara, it's too powerful.
It would be like owning a lion.
I would rather borrow the lion.
Right.
Plus, I love libraries.
I just bloody love them.
Well, I'm hoping to make some big changes now I'm here.
I've come from a very modern university library and this place is like something out of the Ark.
Well, if you want any user input, I'd be more than happy to discuss my experiences over a coffee.
Or possibly even a croissant like Madame Bovary, who is French? As we all, obviously, know.
That would be very useful, actually, thank you.
Would you be interested in giving your feedback too? No, no, he wouldn't really.
He prefers the telly and word searches.
Yes, I absolutely would.
I'm a passionate library user.
Fiction, history, philosophy, the Classics, medicine, law, the fine arts.
Books are as important to me as food.
Great! And are you taking anything out today? Er just this.
Do you know what the heaviest kidney stone weighed, Roy? The heaviest one ever? Ah, yes, I do actually, Tom.
It's just one of those fascinating facts that stays with you.
You don't need to tell me.
620 grams.
That's massive.
That's a massive old kidney stone.
Did you know that a pig in Japan jumped 27 inches in the air? Oh, yes, I did.
That was on the Today programme.
What a crazy pig.
Well, I've given in.
How do you mean? I've done a big online supermarket shop.
Even though it was your turn.
It'll be here very soon.
Blimey, that was quick.
How fast is that broadband? Hang on, so you're not from Tesco? No, I'm from Blackcoats.
What, the fascists? The school.
At this time of year, we raise money and deliver food to the um elderly and needy.
No, but I'm sorry, we are neither elderly nor needy.
Wait till we see what he's brought us.
We might be a bit needy.
No, listen here, young man, we are not stereotypical oldies who do stereotypical oldie things, do you understand? Of course.
Sorry.
I called earlier, but you were out.
Yes, we were keeping warm in the library.
It's just my headmaster A friend of his said that you might appreciate some food and help around the house.
Oh, Sally.
Sally.
She saw our pathetic breakfast and thought we'd become charity cases.
Oh, I didn't mean to offend you.
I do community work instead of Combined Cadets.
I don't like marching and shooting.
I'm a lover not a fighter! Although I don't have a girlfriend, so it's more that I'm just not a fighter.
Well, let's see what you've brought us, then.
Yeah, look, sorry, no offence, but this is all crud.
I mean, no-one eats marrowfat peas or tinned ravioli any more.
Tinned mince? You've just brought us the '70s in a box.
Do you think this is what we eat? You think just because we're getting on a bit, we don't want line-caught tuna? No, well, we do.
This is all Well, actually, I do quite like Spam.
But the rest is totally, em These tinned pies are actually quite delicious.
But the rest, Roland Do you see this, Roland? What if I was lactose intolerant? This would kill me.
As it happens, I very much like evaporated milk.
But if I didn't, you would have killed me.
Me with my bad eyes.
"Oh, what's in this tin? Is it beans? "It tastes a bit milky.
"It can't be milk, though.
"They wouldn't give me milk, because milk would kill me.
"Mmm, but it is very sweet and milky.
"Must be beans, though.
"Mmmm, sweet, lovely beans.
"As I'm lactose intolerant, this is my dream.
"But why am I dying, oh, beans? "Why am I dying, oh, sweet, milky beans? "Oh, sweet, sweet, milky death beans.
" Do you see, Roland? Are you getting this? We don't want anything too depressing Shirley MacLaine in a hospice sort of thing.
But neither do we want, you know, Herbie Goes Bananas.
Something in between.
Although obviously not Herbie In A Hospice.
Is that Maureen's replacement? Yes.
I much preferred Maureen.
Lovely cardigans.
Keith? How about this? Oh, sure.
You'll never guess who they initially wanted to cast as Mrs Robinson.
Doris Day, would you believe? But she had such a wholesome image.
Mrs Robinson's a man-eater.
Precisely.
Look, why don't you nip into the supermarket and get the nibbles? Right.
Just this, please.
Thank you.
How are you settling in? Very well, thank you.
Good, good.
It can't be easy.
Maureen was much loved.
Oh, I'm sure.
Some people wept on her last day.
Said how they didn't think the library could ever be the same again.
I see.
Still, I'm sure you'll do a great job.
Thanks.
Nice coat and boots.
Thank you.
Glad they went to a good home.
I'm sorry? When I gave them to the charity shop, I thought, "I hope someone gets some good wear out of these.
" These used to belong to you? Oh, I had them for years.
About a couple of weeks ago I thought, "These are getting a bit old hat now.
A bit yesterday's news.
"A bit Amy Winehouse.
"I'll give them away.
" I see.
They look great on you, though.
Thank you.
Tom, we should wear nice ironed shirts when we go for our meeting with Barbara.
Yeah.
Good idea.
Did you get that, Roland? Shirts.
Got you, Mr Bowden.
Roland, are there are any more of those Spam fritters going? I'm feeling a bit peckish again.
Yeah.
I could go for a bit more of the '70s as well.
- They all got eaten, I'm afraid.
- Oh Well, I could make some more.
Oh, would you? Oh, thanks.
And then you can finish the ironing afterwards.
Right.
Oh, when I got the coffees from the deli, the man there said that he was looking forward to showing you who was the best at the quiz tomorrow.
Did he indeed? And then showing you where you lived and what your names were.
And then he did a really big laugh.
I mean, a really big one.
Right.
And then he said that he'd heard that you, Mr Bowden, were so muddled you'd called the speaking clock instead of NHS Direct, but luckily you were having your third stroke, so it all worked out.
And then another massive laugh.
Well, he's pushing it, that man.
This can't go on.
I think you're right.
I think we need to drop Sally from the team.
We've simply got to beat Rajan.
Absolutely.
At the next quiz, he wants to see me saying, "Oh, I'm very old.
"My mind is going.
"Could you fetch Tom? He's my carer.
" Well, I bloody won't! We could ask Barbara to be the third member.
She's clever, she's read loads and she's a bit younger.
She might get the Lady Gaga stuff.
We've got to make sure that she can do it.
We'll audition her, subtly.
The 1970s are almost ready! Yeah, that's our joke, son, don't wear it out.
Well, a larger reference section would be much appreciated, I can assure you, Barbara.
Good.
But the big change I'm thinking about, and this is a massive change Go on.
Is to reclassify the entire stock from Dewey Decimal to the Library of Congress system.
Total reclassification! That is a hefty undertaking.
True.
But the LOC is a far more adaptable and robust system.
Dewey is, well, it's a 19th-century system for 19th-century knowledge.
Mmm.
Very interesting.
May I ask you a question? Yes, of course.
What was the heaviest kidney stone ever? I'm sorry? The heaviest kidney stone ever.
I don't know.
Well, let me put it another way - who was the bass player for Blur? Alex James.
I'm sorry, I thought we were here to talk about the library.
No, we are.
How many books in your library, Barbara, could a pig jump over? And not any old pig, an amazing pig.
I think I'd better be getting back.
Barbara, I'm sorry, we wanted to ask you to join our pub quiz team, and Tom was testing you out.
Oh, I don't like pub quizzes.
That shallow parroting of facts with no social, political or historical context or analysis, I find pretty loathsome, actually.
You can win a little silver cup.
No, thanks.
Ah, Tom, Roy! I'm so looking forward to tomorrow night's quiz.
I've been swotting up all week.
I'm determined to play a blinder this time! Oh, good, Sally.
There, see, you don't need me in your quiz team after all.
Good luck.
Did you ask that woman to replace me in the, in the quiz team? Ah, did we Ah, yes, Sally, we did.
I see.
But she said no, so you're back in! I don't think so.
Roland, you need to be 18 to be in a team, so you should drink some beer to look the part.
I don't really drink much.
Cider sometimes, but Cider won't cut it.
Just drink enough beer so you look 18.
Ah, new team member.
Young brain cells.
Good move, codgers.
Is he old enough to take part? He is 18.
Are you 18, young man? Yes, sir.
What year were you born? OK.
Quick thinking.
It wasn't particularly.
I just had to take one away from the year I was born.
Any math's questions come up, Roy, Roland's your man.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, if we're ready, let the competition begin.
Good luck, chaps.
Question one, what is the highest distance a pig has ever jumped? Yes! I'm sure Rajan's been looking at the internet on his phone in the bogs.
I think you're right.
How else could he have been so confident about Bono's real name? I might've drunk too much beer.
It was nice for a bit, but now it's not nice.
You're fine.
You've just loosened up a bit.
You're a bit boring, Roland, ordinarily, if you don't mind my saying so.
The beer has made you less boring.
I'm going to the toilet.
Now, this is the last question of the evening and it's a tricky one.
How many eyelashes are on the upper human eyelid? You need to be within 20 lashes either way.
He's off again.
He's off to cheat.
Go and catch him, Roy.
Right, I will.
Hi, Sally.
Roy, Tom.
Hi, Sally.
Keith and I have just popped in on our way back from the cinema.
I wanted to say that I'm very hurt by what you did, but I don't want it to end our friendship.
And so I think What are you doing? I'm counting your eyelashes, keep still.
Poor Roland.
Rajan.
Hello, there.
What are you doing? What the hell is happening here? I don't want to answer any more questions, Mr Bowden.
Or drink any more beer, please.
Cartwright? Are you OK? You're drunk.
Sorry, sir.
Why have you got one of my pupils drunk and why were you watching me as I sat on the toilet? I'm very old.
My mind is going.
Can you fetch Tom? He's my carer.
How's your breakfast tomato puree and stale rice cake? It's lovely.
Mmm! Yum-yum-yum-yum.
I'm not giving in.
Me neither.
I know I'm the one who usually gives in over this, but I'm standing my ground.
It is your turn to do the food shopping.
You can't break me, Roy.
I've got two more purees and some toothpaste.
Listen I did it last time.
You did the last big shop.
Exactly! Yeah, but I did the last semi-big shop.
You popped to Londis for bread and milk.
And gravy granules and kitchen towel.
Kitchen towel constitutes a semi-big shop, Roy.
That's just how it is.
I don't make the rules.
What rules? The UN Grocery Regulations? The Marquis of Sainsbury Rules? There are no rules, Tom.
Don't touch my delicious puree.
Oh, hi, Sally.
Come on in.
Forgive me being in my dressing gown, it's just I am.
No worries, Tom.
Hi, Roy.
Hi, Sally.
I popped in to borrow your Guinness Book of Records, Tom.
Get myself full of facts for our pub quiz.
It's a great book.
My favourite ever book of all time.
Some people go for Middlemarch, and fair play to them.
But I prefer this beauty good solid facts.
Tall men and hairy women.
I'm really looking forward to tonight.
I think I should excel on the Arts questions.
Ask me anything.
OK.
In which? About the Arts.
But especially film.
Who? But nothing too obscure.
Or too obvious.
Films I've seen.
Ask me anything.
Um What was the last film you saw? An Education.
Well done.
Er is that your breakfast? or milk, or juice.
But we can offer you water, Sally.
Or Fybogel.
It's a mild laxative drink, but orange-flavoured.
I'm fine.
I need to meet a friend.
It's cold out there.
Hence the, um Nice coat.
And the um And boots.
Are they new? As good as.
They're from the Hospice Care charity shop.
They're getting some really great stuff in.
Hepatitis Action and Asthma Concern can go hang, frankly.
Roy's mildly asthmatic.
Is he? Yeah.
Frankly, I think the asthmatics are shamming it for attention.
Breathing's easy, why make such a big deal out of it? Look at him.
Cocky so-and-so.
Yeah, just cos he's winning and we're losing, he somehow thinks he's beating us.
I've no idea about that last question, about Lady Gaga.
No, me neither.
I know Lady Gaga's a singer, but Well, I know that much, Roy.
I didn't think she was a mentally ill member of the House of Lords.
Ha! They're all mentally ill if you ask me! No, they're not.
They do an important job of holding the Commons to account.
No, sure.
I don't want to get into a constitutional argument, but I will if pushed.
OK, brains back in gear, please.
The next question's about movies.
Good! Who was originally asked to play Mrs Robinson in the 1967 film, The Graduate? Elizabeth Taylor.
It was Doris Day, I think.
Yeah, Doris Day.
It was on that thing we watched about Doris Day.
No, no, no, not Doris Day.
Her image was much too wholesome.
Mrs Robinson was a femme fatale - they simply wouldn't have auditioned Doris for that.
I think it was Doris Day.
Tom, trust me.
I'm an actress.
The Arts are my thing.
I don't want to sound pretentious, but I breathe film.
Sally, I just think in this particular It probably was Elizabeth Taylor.
Yeah, Elizabeth Taylor, now I think about it.
Yes! Well done, clever clogs.
Thank you kindly, ma'am.
Remarkable.
Mrs Robinson was offered to Doris Day! Who'd have thought it? Well, it's not the winning, is it? It's the having fun.
And I've had a lovely time.
Where did we come? Um, fourth out of five.
Oh, well, not too bad, then.
Partial rather than abject humiliation.
Hooray! Right, I must get going.
Meeting my friend for a late supper.
Thanks for a terrific quiz! My condolences on your loss, gentlemen.
Although only to be expected.
You shouldn't worry about it.
What do you mean, "Only to be expected?" Well, just your age.
What about our age? We're different ages.
Different OLD ages.
Science tells us there's a huge shrinking of brain mass as one advances in years.
If you lived to be 300, you would have a brain the size of a walnut.
And a face like a walnut.
You would, effectively, BE a walnut.
So you think it was our ages that let us down tonight? That we're senile old codgers? All I'm saying is the brain gets smaller as you dodder unsteadily towards the grave.
It's no big deal.
You just need to accept that's where you're at now, all dentures and dementias.
God, this is good.
I'm so hungry.
Yeah, well, that's your own fault.
Oh, shut up, Tom.
Admit it's your turn to go shopping and take some responsibility.
Well, all right, all right.
What did your last slave die of? I kicked him to death.
Ah, my dear old friends.
I was going to offer you some Manchego cheese on the house.
The question is, whence does it come? Spain or Italy? Ah, but don't worry your elderly and frail minds, you can have it in any case.
Just a bit of fun! He's mocking us.
That was one huge mock.
I hate it.
I genuinely hate it.
The assumption of intellectual failure because one is a certain age.
We're not old, Tom.
No! Well, I'm not old.
You're a bit old.
Well, I'm not old.
Yeah, sure, it's just that, you know you did National Service in Caterham, I did acid in Wardour Street.
That's all.
You're Macmillan, I'm Warhol.
It's no biggie.
Anyway, we'll thrash Rajan at next week's quiz.
I am determined.
You know what? I think he was cheating on Tuesday.
All those trips to the loo - he was looking at the internet on his phone.
Really? Yeah.
Well, Sally's less-than-brilliant performance didn't help.
Tom, I was wondering perhaps we should drop Sally from the team.
Oh, I don't know about that, Roy.
That's pretty treacherous.
That's like when Heseltine stabbed Thatcher.
He didn't physically stab her, Tom.
We've been through that a number of times.
I'm just saying that Sally was pretty hopeless at everything, including films.
Yeah, and she's an actress, and she should know about films.
It's like you knowing about whatever it is you used to do for a living.
Have you forgotten again what I used to do for a living? No.
By which you mean? Yes.
Look, it's just it doesn't stick, Roy.
You tell me and then I immediately forget because it's Well, not boring necessarily, just not enormously compelling.
I was the Kent area manager for a nationwide chain of flooring warehouses specialising in Marmoleum and higher-end linoleum.
You see? How can I remember that? Why weren't you a baker or a fireman? Hey! Hello, team-mates! Hi.
Oh, hello, Sally.
This is Keith, the friend I've mentioned.
Keith, this is Tom and Roy, my quiz buddies.
How do you do? All right? Hello.
Well, I'll er I'll get those coffees, sweetheart.
Thank you very much, honey.
Handsome, isn't he? He's the headmaster of Steve's old school.
Independent boys.
Cost me a fortune, but there was no way I was sending my son to one of the local state atrocities.
Oh, I see.
Steve's very bright.
Just not in any way you can measure.
Another bloody boyfriend who isn't either of us.
Yeah.
She keeps on going out with men who aren't even remotely us.
It's like she's trying to tell us something.
You know, Tom, I think that we should give up on Sally.
Officially.
Like we gave up doing the Lottery and gave up trying to give up drinking.
Yeah.
I think I might make a move on Barbara, the new librarian.
She's sex on legs, isn't she? I don't really like that phrase, Tom, actually.
But yes, she is sexy.
And yes, she does have legs.
The library's great, Roy.
I know.
Not only is there sexy Barbara, there's loads of books.
There she is.
Phwoar.
Much sexier than Maureen was.
Maureen sometimes used to wear two cardigans at once.
She was mumsy.
Barbara isn't mumsy at all.
Unless you're Oedipus.
I've worked out a plan.
Go on.
I'm going to take these out to impress her.
I've got Madame Bovary, which is a famous old story from, like, years ago.
Oh, is it? Is it really? Apparently.
This big DIY manual, and this which is a book about enlivening your sexual technique.
She's going to think I'm a sensitive, practical guy who's good in bed.
Or possibly a suicidal self-abuser whose shelves are falling down.
God, it's the Guinness Book of Records! But a different one.
From 2009.
Well, they come out every year.
They what?! Tom, there's a new one every year.
Why didn't you tell me? There's new records! Loads of 'em! There's a new hairy woman! Roy, will you take this out for me on your card? Cos this won't impress Barbara.
Please! Just these three, please.
Ah, Flaubert.
Hmm.
Flaubert's the author of Madame Bovary.
Oh, Flaubert! Got you.
Wonderful novel.
Oh, it's a great book.
It's my favourite ever book of all time.
Some people go for Middlemarch, Fair play to them.
I go for this beauty.
I've read it 14 times.
14? Possibly 15.
And you don't actually own a copy yourself? No.
No, Barbara, it's too powerful.
It would be like owning a lion.
I would rather borrow the lion.
Right.
Plus, I love libraries.
I just bloody love them.
Well, I'm hoping to make some big changes now I'm here.
I've come from a very modern university library and this place is like something out of the Ark.
Well, if you want any user input, I'd be more than happy to discuss my experiences over a coffee.
Or possibly even a croissant like Madame Bovary, who is French? As we all, obviously, know.
That would be very useful, actually, thank you.
Would you be interested in giving your feedback too? No, no, he wouldn't really.
He prefers the telly and word searches.
Yes, I absolutely would.
I'm a passionate library user.
Fiction, history, philosophy, the Classics, medicine, law, the fine arts.
Books are as important to me as food.
Great! And are you taking anything out today? Er just this.
Do you know what the heaviest kidney stone weighed, Roy? The heaviest one ever? Ah, yes, I do actually, Tom.
It's just one of those fascinating facts that stays with you.
You don't need to tell me.
620 grams.
That's massive.
That's a massive old kidney stone.
Did you know that a pig in Japan jumped 27 inches in the air? Oh, yes, I did.
That was on the Today programme.
What a crazy pig.
Well, I've given in.
How do you mean? I've done a big online supermarket shop.
Even though it was your turn.
It'll be here very soon.
Blimey, that was quick.
How fast is that broadband? Hang on, so you're not from Tesco? No, I'm from Blackcoats.
What, the fascists? The school.
At this time of year, we raise money and deliver food to the um elderly and needy.
No, but I'm sorry, we are neither elderly nor needy.
Wait till we see what he's brought us.
We might be a bit needy.
No, listen here, young man, we are not stereotypical oldies who do stereotypical oldie things, do you understand? Of course.
Sorry.
I called earlier, but you were out.
Yes, we were keeping warm in the library.
It's just my headmaster A friend of his said that you might appreciate some food and help around the house.
Oh, Sally.
Sally.
She saw our pathetic breakfast and thought we'd become charity cases.
Oh, I didn't mean to offend you.
I do community work instead of Combined Cadets.
I don't like marching and shooting.
I'm a lover not a fighter! Although I don't have a girlfriend, so it's more that I'm just not a fighter.
Well, let's see what you've brought us, then.
Yeah, look, sorry, no offence, but this is all crud.
I mean, no-one eats marrowfat peas or tinned ravioli any more.
Tinned mince? You've just brought us the '70s in a box.
Do you think this is what we eat? You think just because we're getting on a bit, we don't want line-caught tuna? No, well, we do.
This is all Well, actually, I do quite like Spam.
But the rest is totally, em These tinned pies are actually quite delicious.
But the rest, Roland Do you see this, Roland? What if I was lactose intolerant? This would kill me.
As it happens, I very much like evaporated milk.
But if I didn't, you would have killed me.
Me with my bad eyes.
"Oh, what's in this tin? Is it beans? "It tastes a bit milky.
"It can't be milk, though.
"They wouldn't give me milk, because milk would kill me.
"Mmm, but it is very sweet and milky.
"Must be beans, though.
"Mmmm, sweet, lovely beans.
"As I'm lactose intolerant, this is my dream.
"But why am I dying, oh, beans? "Why am I dying, oh, sweet, milky beans? "Oh, sweet, sweet, milky death beans.
" Do you see, Roland? Are you getting this? We don't want anything too depressing Shirley MacLaine in a hospice sort of thing.
But neither do we want, you know, Herbie Goes Bananas.
Something in between.
Although obviously not Herbie In A Hospice.
Is that Maureen's replacement? Yes.
I much preferred Maureen.
Lovely cardigans.
Keith? How about this? Oh, sure.
You'll never guess who they initially wanted to cast as Mrs Robinson.
Doris Day, would you believe? But she had such a wholesome image.
Mrs Robinson's a man-eater.
Precisely.
Look, why don't you nip into the supermarket and get the nibbles? Right.
Just this, please.
Thank you.
How are you settling in? Very well, thank you.
Good, good.
It can't be easy.
Maureen was much loved.
Oh, I'm sure.
Some people wept on her last day.
Said how they didn't think the library could ever be the same again.
I see.
Still, I'm sure you'll do a great job.
Thanks.
Nice coat and boots.
Thank you.
Glad they went to a good home.
I'm sorry? When I gave them to the charity shop, I thought, "I hope someone gets some good wear out of these.
" These used to belong to you? Oh, I had them for years.
About a couple of weeks ago I thought, "These are getting a bit old hat now.
A bit yesterday's news.
"A bit Amy Winehouse.
"I'll give them away.
" I see.
They look great on you, though.
Thank you.
Tom, we should wear nice ironed shirts when we go for our meeting with Barbara.
Yeah.
Good idea.
Did you get that, Roland? Shirts.
Got you, Mr Bowden.
Roland, are there are any more of those Spam fritters going? I'm feeling a bit peckish again.
Yeah.
I could go for a bit more of the '70s as well.
- They all got eaten, I'm afraid.
- Oh Well, I could make some more.
Oh, would you? Oh, thanks.
And then you can finish the ironing afterwards.
Right.
Oh, when I got the coffees from the deli, the man there said that he was looking forward to showing you who was the best at the quiz tomorrow.
Did he indeed? And then showing you where you lived and what your names were.
And then he did a really big laugh.
I mean, a really big one.
Right.
And then he said that he'd heard that you, Mr Bowden, were so muddled you'd called the speaking clock instead of NHS Direct, but luckily you were having your third stroke, so it all worked out.
And then another massive laugh.
Well, he's pushing it, that man.
This can't go on.
I think you're right.
I think we need to drop Sally from the team.
We've simply got to beat Rajan.
Absolutely.
At the next quiz, he wants to see me saying, "Oh, I'm very old.
"My mind is going.
"Could you fetch Tom? He's my carer.
" Well, I bloody won't! We could ask Barbara to be the third member.
She's clever, she's read loads and she's a bit younger.
She might get the Lady Gaga stuff.
We've got to make sure that she can do it.
We'll audition her, subtly.
The 1970s are almost ready! Yeah, that's our joke, son, don't wear it out.
Well, a larger reference section would be much appreciated, I can assure you, Barbara.
Good.
But the big change I'm thinking about, and this is a massive change Go on.
Is to reclassify the entire stock from Dewey Decimal to the Library of Congress system.
Total reclassification! That is a hefty undertaking.
True.
But the LOC is a far more adaptable and robust system.
Dewey is, well, it's a 19th-century system for 19th-century knowledge.
Mmm.
Very interesting.
May I ask you a question? Yes, of course.
What was the heaviest kidney stone ever? I'm sorry? The heaviest kidney stone ever.
I don't know.
Well, let me put it another way - who was the bass player for Blur? Alex James.
I'm sorry, I thought we were here to talk about the library.
No, we are.
How many books in your library, Barbara, could a pig jump over? And not any old pig, an amazing pig.
I think I'd better be getting back.
Barbara, I'm sorry, we wanted to ask you to join our pub quiz team, and Tom was testing you out.
Oh, I don't like pub quizzes.
That shallow parroting of facts with no social, political or historical context or analysis, I find pretty loathsome, actually.
You can win a little silver cup.
No, thanks.
Ah, Tom, Roy! I'm so looking forward to tomorrow night's quiz.
I've been swotting up all week.
I'm determined to play a blinder this time! Oh, good, Sally.
There, see, you don't need me in your quiz team after all.
Good luck.
Did you ask that woman to replace me in the, in the quiz team? Ah, did we Ah, yes, Sally, we did.
I see.
But she said no, so you're back in! I don't think so.
Roland, you need to be 18 to be in a team, so you should drink some beer to look the part.
I don't really drink much.
Cider sometimes, but Cider won't cut it.
Just drink enough beer so you look 18.
Ah, new team member.
Young brain cells.
Good move, codgers.
Is he old enough to take part? He is 18.
Are you 18, young man? Yes, sir.
What year were you born? OK.
Quick thinking.
It wasn't particularly.
I just had to take one away from the year I was born.
Any math's questions come up, Roy, Roland's your man.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, if we're ready, let the competition begin.
Good luck, chaps.
Question one, what is the highest distance a pig has ever jumped? Yes! I'm sure Rajan's been looking at the internet on his phone in the bogs.
I think you're right.
How else could he have been so confident about Bono's real name? I might've drunk too much beer.
It was nice for a bit, but now it's not nice.
You're fine.
You've just loosened up a bit.
You're a bit boring, Roland, ordinarily, if you don't mind my saying so.
The beer has made you less boring.
I'm going to the toilet.
Now, this is the last question of the evening and it's a tricky one.
How many eyelashes are on the upper human eyelid? You need to be within 20 lashes either way.
He's off again.
He's off to cheat.
Go and catch him, Roy.
Right, I will.
Hi, Sally.
Roy, Tom.
Hi, Sally.
Keith and I have just popped in on our way back from the cinema.
I wanted to say that I'm very hurt by what you did, but I don't want it to end our friendship.
And so I think What are you doing? I'm counting your eyelashes, keep still.
Poor Roland.
Rajan.
Hello, there.
What are you doing? What the hell is happening here? I don't want to answer any more questions, Mr Bowden.
Or drink any more beer, please.
Cartwright? Are you OK? You're drunk.
Sorry, sir.
Why have you got one of my pupils drunk and why were you watching me as I sat on the toilet? I'm very old.
My mind is going.
Can you fetch Tom? He's my carer.