The Ranch (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Wow.
Pregnant? Okay.
I'm sorry.
I know this isn't the best time, but I had to tell you.
So Merry Christmas, Colt.
Is it Is it just You got morning sickness? [stammers.]
'Cause I've thrown up every day this week.
I bought every pregnancy test Walgreens had.
Which was only four 'cause winter formal was last week.
[chuckles.]
You know that those things aren't always accurate.
[stammers.]
Did you go Did you see a doctor? Yeah.
He said I was pregnant.
You okay? I mean, I'm all right.
A little overwhelmed.
You're the first person I've told.
Yeah, I'm glad you did.
You know, I'm I'm gonna need a drink.
Do you want something to drink? I don't know.
I'm drivin', and the roads are kind of icy, and you know, I'm pregnant.
[chuckles.]
- Shit.
- Colt? - Yeah? - Isn't that your mom's Jeep comin' up? - You know, I should go.
- Yeah.
Uh, no.
No, no, it's fine.
Just, uh just don't act pregnant.
[Beau sighs.]
I would have been okay to drive.
Beau, you flipped off the guy who was raising money for the Salvation Army.
You don't get to be in the army by ringing a fucking bell.
Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bennett.
Merry Christmas.
Hi, Heather.
Happy holidays.
"Happy holidays.
" Don't start that PC crap.
It's "Merry Christmas.
" [Heather chuckles.]
Hey, I have those Uggs, too.
Don't you tell anyone.
I love 'em.
This is weird.
Dad's coming home drunk and I'm sober.
I'm not drunk.
I'm festive.
It's fucking Christmas.
[scoffs.]
Would you give me a hand? Honey, would you like to come inside? Oh, no, it's okay.
I'm I'm gonna wait out here.
Well, it was nice seeing you.
Have a great holiday.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling! Look at me, I'm in the army! If anything, it ought to be the Salvation Navy.
Those guys are a bunch of pussies.
- Dad, do you want a water? - Yeah.
Put some ice and some Jim Beam in there, too.
[Maggie.]
Hey, are you okay? - What's Heather doing here? - Oh, uh she left some presents here for her nephew.
Uh, so he wouldn't find them.
Okay.
Lie to your mother on Christmas.
It's fine.
I hope, whatever it was, you were done, 'cause she's leaving.
Shit! [cell phone ringing.]
Hey, Ab.
Yeah, yeah.
[stammers.]
No, I, uh I got held up here.
I'll, uh I'll be right there.
Okay.
Yeah.
Bye.
Fuck.
[theme song playing.]
[Christmas music playing.]
[grunts.]
Okay, finally got those kids asleep.
Every year I say, "This time, I am not using the cough syrup.
" Every year I do.
Ah, well, what were the odds Darlene's kids were gonna cure cancer? [laughing.]
Cure it? No, I'd be happy if they could spell it.
[Rooster chuckles.]
So, how was the rest of your night? Ah, it was all right.
[sighs.]
I don't know.
Remember Christmas as a kid? It was the best, you know.
You got games and toys and Uncle Billy gave you a couple of beers, watched you run into shit.
As an adult, all you get is underwear and your family.
Mmm, I've done your laundry.
- Underwear's a good gift for you.
- [grunts.]
Did somethin' happen? Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, by the way, I stopped by the gas station.
Got some stockin' stuffers for Darlene's kids.
Really? You didn't have to do that.
And if you got my gift there, you can use the gas you bought to get the fuck out of here.
[chuckles.]
Relax, I got your present weeks ago.
Bass Pro Shops.
No, I just swung through to grab a Big Gulp, and I made ten bucks buyin' some cigarettes for some kids outside.
The smile on their faces reminded me of your grandkids.
[chuckles.]
Stocking stuffers from the gas station - I'm dreaming of a white trash Christmas.
- Mmm.
- [chuckles.]
- [door slams.]
If I see you again, I'll cut off your head and they won't find it 'till spring when some coyote is skull-fucking your eye socket! [laughs.]
All right.
Who's ready for church? Yeah, he's not comin'.
Who? You talking that way to Santa? My ex, Jason.
Deadbeat asshole.
I said I wanted to get Luke a bike, but he insisted he'd get it, and now it's Christmas Eve and nothin'.
Well, perfect.
Perfect! Tomorrow morning, Luke's gonna come down to open up his gift and find a helmet and no bike.
He's gonna think he's one of those kids who needs to wear a helmet.
- [fire crackling.]
- [Christmas music playing.]
Well, nobody threw up.
Nobody got shot.
It's a pretty damn good Christmas for the Bennetts.
This couch doesn't stop moving, somebody is still liable to throw up.
All I'm sayin' is, it was nice to be with family on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
Too bad it wasn't someone else's family.
Look, I I know it didn't turn out the way you wanted, but the way you reached out to Rooster, that was really sweet.
Can we not talk about it? It's over.
I know he's bein' stubborn.
Shouldn't come as a surprise, he's a lot like you.
He's nothin' like me.
My father gave me that knife.
I said, "Thank you, sir," and shook his hand.
Wow.
You know, that's the warmest memory you ever shared with me.
And later that night, I stuck it through a possum's head that was eatin' my mother's garden.
[chuckles.]
Look, Rooster'll come around.
Colt did.
Just be there to welcome him.
[scoffs.]
Oh, I realize I'm saying this to a man who once referred to Rudolph as an affirmative action case.
You know, first, Rooster doesn't want to be part of this ranch.
Now he doesn't want to be part of this family.
Fine by me.
He'll come back.
Colt did.
Colt didn't come back.
He was kicked out of the rest of the world.
Okay I can see this is going nowhere.
Think I'll just leave you alone so you can be visited by your three ghosts.
You know, it's late, Mags.
Roads are a little icy.
You could spend the night.
[smackslips.]
Wow.
You know, that move hasn't changed in 40 years.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Beau, have you noticed? We're divorced.
So, you're single.
You know, it's not that I wouldn't enjoy it.
Just I think we gotta stop doin' this.
Otherwise, we'll never be able to move on.
So, this is my new Christmas tradition.
Sittin' on the couch alone.
You still have Colt.
Please stop doing that.
You gonna be all right if I leave you here? - I'll be fine.
[grunts.]
- All right.
Hey, Beau.
Merry Christmas.
Happy holidays.
Abby what are you doin'? Just getting some fresh air.
Since when do you smoke? - Since my parents got here.
- What? I thought they were meetin' us at midnight Mass.
I know, but my dad wanted to stop by and take a look at the furnace.
- I just fixed your furnace.
- Yeah, that's why he wanted to stop by.
This is the last thing I need right now.
- Listen, don't be nervous.
- [grunts.]
All right? Yeah, they don't like you.
And, yeah, them talkin' about how much they don't like you is the reason why I'm on cigarette number four.
And by the way, I fuckin' love smokin'.
[chuckles.]
Anyway, listen, I I told 'em that you're a different guy now and if they just give you a chance, you'll surprise them.
Yeah, I'm full of surprises.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I just I, uh - wasn't expectin' to see 'em so soon.
- [softly.]
Yeah.
And now I've got to come up with small talk here, and on the car ride to church and If we just met 'em there, I could just give them the handshake, and the nod, and the "Peace be with you," be done.
Colt, you're overreacting, all right? They're just my parents.
I know what'll make you feel better.
- [sighs.]
- Here.
Yeah, I don't think a cigarette is gonna make me feel better.
Eh, just take a drag.
Abby - Fine.
- [chuckles.]
[exhales.]
- Holy shit.
- Right? - Let's go, Abby.
- [Abby clears throat.]
Oh, hello, Colt.
Glad you could finally make it.
Mr.
Phillips.
Peace be with you.
I'd love to shake your hand, but mine's a little dirty after fixing the furnace.
Correctly.
[coughs.]
Oh, Colt, you're here.
- And you smoke now.
- Oh.
Mrs.
Phillips, I, uh That's a delightful sweater vest.
Oh, thank you, Colt.
I got one for Abby.
She says it "doesn't fit.
" Okay, you know what? The cigarette was mine.
Oh, great.
No sweater and you smoke.
Merry Christmas, Janice.
Look, if we could all exhale before we get in my new Lincoln, that'd be great.
All right, I'll grab my scarf and we can go.
You don't need your scarf.
The MKX has heated seats.
That's the beauty of it.
You go to church one day a year, the least you could do is be on time.
Oh, trust me.
[stammers.]
If it were up to me, we'd be goin' every week.
But but you know Abby.
She's like, "I hate church.
I guess I'm just not as into God as you.
" You hear that, Chuck? Now she hates God.
How's everything going at the John Deere dealership? Hey, you know, if, uh if you ever need a retired football star to do an ad for you, I know a guy.
You know Peyton Manning? Yes.
Mmm, great.
Give him a call.
Hey, I would, yeah.
[stammers.]
But, he I'm pretty sure he's out fishing with, uh Papa John.
Mom, there's literally no store open within 25 miles.
Shit.
Well, Merry Christmas, Luke.
You're not gettin' a bike.
Just strap on your helmet and ride a cardboard box down the stairs.
First of all, that's awesome.
But if you want to get him somethin' else, the gun shop in Grand Junction's open 24/7.
Their motto is "The Second Amendment never sleeps.
" He's five.
I didn't say give him ammo.
I'm not an idiot.
They also got targets that look like bin Laden.
He can color it.
[gasps.]
It's so pretty here.
You and Kenny could have had a beautiful wedding.
Ma.
That reminds me, we're having dinner with him on Tuesday.
Oh, y'all still hang out with Kenny.
That's great.
Dad just likes the pork chops at the Marriott and Kenny always throws in a free baked potato - and lets Mom play the piano in the lobby.
- [giggles.]
Hey, Colt! Saved you guys seats.
Yeah.
Great.
We'll all sit together.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Mom, Dad, you remember Colt's mom, Maggie, and his brother, Rooster? Oh.
Janice, Chuck, it's nice to see you.
It's been too long.
I know, I don't even remember the last time we saw each other.
As I recall, Colt soaked a watermelon in Everclear and we had to pick up Abby after she got her stomach pumped.
[Rooster chuckles.]
All right.
Well, uh, peace be with you.
Hey, uh, Mr.
and Mrs.
Phillips, this is my girlfriend, Mary, and her daughter, Heather.
- Jerky? - Oh No, thank you.
I like to save my appetite for the body of Christ.
I'll take hers.
Rooster.
Rooster.
What do you say we go light a candle for Grandma Bennett? She died in a fire.
Seems a little insensitive, but okay.
So, uh, Janice, how do you like living in Grand Junction? Oh, it's really exciting.
We have an Indian restaurant and a Thai place.
Wow.
I love the Thai place.
They have a spiciness scale from one to ten.
I take a two.
Unless I've had rosé, and then I bump it up to a three.
[chuckles.]
We enjoy it.
They let Chuck bring in his Wendy's.
- [grunts.]
What's up? - All right.
- You can't tell anyone.
- [scoffs.]
We shall see.
- No, come on.
I'm serious.
- [sniffles.]
- Heather's pregnant.
- Holy fuck! Do I love Jesus! Is she gonna keep it? Of course she is.
I'm just saying, there's always an option.
No, there's not.
That ain't happenin'.
God.
And don't talk about you-know-what in front of you-know-who.
Oh, right.
The world's most famous unplanned pregnancy.
I'm sure he'll be fine with it.
Damn.
Did you tell Abby? Not yet.
Can I? It'd be my Christmas gift.
Will you knock it off, man? I'm freaking out.
Fine.
I'm sorry.
I get it.
Look, I got your back, all right? You want to skip town? I'll drive the car.
You want to keep it? I'll just, you know teach the kid how to hunt and throw a football and all the other shit you're terrible at.
- Thanks.
- All right.
[sighs.]
It's gonna be fine, all right? Look world gets another Bennett.
Nothing wrong with that.
[organ music playing.]
We should probably head back.
- Yeah.
- [grunts.]
- Oh, hey, one more thing.
- [sniffles.]
I'm gonna call you later tonight.
I need you to pretend to be either Peyton Manning or Papa John.
Not a problem.
[whispering.]
Mary.
Mary.
- Mary! - I'll cut you, bitch! - [chuckles.]
- Oh, shit.
Sorry.
Easy, it's me.
- You havin' that prison dream again? - No, family reunion.
[sighs.]
To be fair, we did all end up in jail that night anyway.
What are you doing here? Well [grunts.]
I got Luke his Christmas present.
- Oh, my God! Are you kidding? - [sighs.]
Look, if Luke thinks he's gettin' a bike for Christmas, he's gettin' a bike for Christmas.
I have never seen you so sensitive.
- It's kind of sexy.
- [chuckles.]
- Really? Mmm.
- Mmm.
What time you think the kids are gettin' up? Baby, when those kids come downstairs, they want to see presents.
They don't want to see their grandma gettin' railed on the couch.
Fine, but you owe me one orgasm.
Mmm, you owe me ten.
Seriously, thisis so sweet.
Luke is gonna lose his mind.
Where did you find a bike in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve? [clicks tongue.]
You really want to know? Because I'll tell you if you really want to know.
No, just, uh, take the license plate that says "Kyle" off the back.
Have fun with your helmet tomorrow, Kyle.
What are you doin' up so early? I was feedin' cattle while you were sleepin' in.
- You did that on Christmas mornin'? - Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Well, the cows don't know it's Christmas.
Sounds like somethin' I'd say.
Yeah, you do.
Every Christmas.
I got a little somethin' for you.
[chuckles.]
A book? Dad, I'm not sure you know me so well.
- Just open it.
- [chuckles.]
It's, like, every article ever written about me.
Yeah, well I figure I got a lot more Christmases behind me than I do in front of me, so there you are.
How long you been workin' on this? I mean, it's just really unexpected.
It's just glue and newspapers.
And little football stickers.
- You want the fuckin' thing or not? - [both chuckle.]
"Colt Bennett: Pop Warner Player of the Year.
" "Bennett Leads Mustangs to State Championship.
" "Local Star Recruited by Florida State.
" [chuckles.]
"Local Star Gets Tased by Florida State Trooper.
" Stop there.
[chuckles.]
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Look, I don't like talkin' to people about their personal lives.
I don't like talkin' to people at all.
But I got to say somethin'.
Abby and Heather are both fine young women who deserve to be treated with respect.
Okay.
Not sure what you're gettin' at there.
What was Heather doin' here last night? [stammers.]
Oh.
No, no, no.
I'm I'm not cheatin' on Abby.
All right, good.
Heather's pregnant.
It's mine.
This is why I don't like talkin' to people.
So what's the plan? I don't have one.
Last night, I I was gonna propose to Abby.
I mean, that's always been the plan since I was 15.
I was gonna win a Super Bowl, marry Abby and then buy a sweet Jet Ski.
- Son, you - Look, I I get that my football dreams are gone, but I got back with Abby.
So, it's like everything was on track.
But now what? What am I supposed to do? [stammers.]
Do I forget about Abby and go be with Heather? Or do I stay with Abby while Heather's having my kid? I can't answer that question, Colt.
Fuck! That's the same thing Siri said.
I can't answer it because you're askin' the wrong question.
[Colt sighs.]
You're thinkin' about what's best for you.
But you're gonna be a father now.
From this day forward, for the rest of your life, all that matters is what's best for that kid.
Like right now I'd like to be watching the Aloha Bowl.
Instead, I'm stuck here, helpin' you.
I'm not ready for this.
Nobody's ready.
I got shipped off to war.
I got handed a ranch without knowin' how to run it.
But I was more scared when I found out I was gonna be a father.
I think you're gonna surprise yourself with how ready you are.
[Colt sniffles.]
[sniffles.]
Thanks, Dad.
And if you're not, tough shit.
You gotta do it anyway.
[sniffles.]
Bottom line, you gotta do whatever you can to care for that kid.
[sniffles.]
Wanna know how I'm gonna be a great dad? Mmm? 'Cause I had such a great one.
- [Colt sniffles.]
- Sweet Jesus.
- Let's watch some football.
- Yeah.
[indistinct chatter.]
- Hank, what are you doing? - Drinkin'.
Is this a trick question? I mean, what are you doin' here on Christmas? Well, I used to spend the holidays with my best friend.
Then, five years ago, he passed away.
Aw, geez.
I I'm sorry to hear that.
You know what this one's on me.
Thanks, Maggie.
Oh, I just got a text.
Another friend just died.
- Hey, Hank.
- Hey, Beau.
What the hell are all these people doin' in here on Christmas? Well, probably escaping their families.
What are you doin' here? The same.
I want to apologize for my behavior last night.
I'm still trying to get the hang of this divorce thing.
Hey, we're both workin' through this in our own ways.
I came home, smoked a joint, sucked the middles out of a box of Twinkies.
You know how you said we ought to give each other a little space? Yeah.
That's gonna be a problem.
What's this? Wait, isn't this the bottle we were saving for when we had our first grandkid? - Yep.
- Oh, no.
Rooster? - Colt.
- Abby.
- Heather.
- Fuck! [door opens.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
How you feeling? Okay.
I got somethin' for you.
[sniffles.]
[Colt chuckles.]
Turn it over.
- Says Bennett on the back.
[chuckles.]
- Cute.
Figure he can't crap his jersey any more than I crapped mine, right? [chuckles.]
- Colt.
- So I've been thinkin' a lot about this.
And I want you to know, this kid will absolutely be my first priority.
And you you're gonna be a great mom.
And I'm gonna be a great dad.
And the three of us, we're gonna make a great family.
So, uh I was thinking Colt, please stop.
No.
No, listen.
I want to do this.
Colt I'm gettin' an abortion.
[country music playing.]