The Royle Family (1998) s02e01 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # (TV) Do you know where Bermuda is? Some people think it's in the Caribbean.
Others think it's in the Bahamas.
But in reality, it's 600 miles off the east coast of America, bang in the middle of the Atlantic.
Bermuda shorts.
What's their history? (Man) The British army was too hot Doesrt it look lovely there? - And what length d'you wear them? - Bermuda, my arse.
- (Man) Just above the knee.
- What about colours this season? She's looking her age, though, Judith Chalmers.
pink is very popular with tourists.
- I don't know.
How old is she? Ooh, don't know.
(Judith Chalmers) I'll wander round and look at the different colours.
She's got some lovely wrap-round skirts, though.
But it was already tea time.
This must be one of the most spectacular views ever on a golf course.
Who d'you think's the oldest, her or Gloria Hunniford, Jim? (Man) It's one of Robert Trent Jones's - Jim! - What? Who d'you think's the eldest, her or Gloria Hunniford? I couldn't give a shiny shite.
Bloody hell, Barb.
(Antony) You know Darrers cousin, Steve? - He's been abroad twice this year.
- Ooh.
Oh, aye, where did he go to, lad? Er, he went to Magaluf in February - and Lloret de Mar in July.
- Ooh.
He's hardly Alan bloody Whicker, is he? Nah.
Them foreign holidays are a swizz.
Them travel agents rip every bugger off and mugs like him fall for it.
What they falling for, Jim? There's nothing you can do abroad you can't do here.
Just costs more.
They're on holiday, having a good time! Good time, my arse.
You spend half the time on the khazi, having the wild shites.
You may as well do that in the comfort of your own home.
You are a miserable sod, Jim.
You are.
(TV) a great snorkelling area.
This is the wreck of the Vixen.
- All the way over to Hamilton - (Doorbell) Get that door, will you, Antony? If it's the Invisible Man, tell him I can't see him.
The Invisible Man.
(Laughing) - Hiya.
- It's all right.
It's only Dave and Denise.
- (Barbara) Oh - Hiya.
- How are you? All right? - All right, Dave? - Aaah.
You all right? - Yeah.
- You all right, Dave? - Yeah.
(TV) like walking around a stage set.
The whole island is spick-and-span.
The standard of living is amongst - Have you had your teas? - Yeah.
Aaah.
- What'd you have? - Dairylea on toast.
Bloody hell! I bet you were looking forward to that all day, eh, Dave.
Whoo! Working hard, waiting to get home to that little delicacy.
Shut it, Dad.
Bloody hell, girl, Dairylea on toast? Come on now.
Eh? Delia Smith's got nothing to worry about, has she? Well, I made it meself.
Go away.
I don't mind Dairylea, me.
(TV) stretch limos and taxi transfers in Bermuda.
And that's with Main Street USA.
(Woman) And back here in Magaluf, the beat just goes on and on and on and on.
Can I make you a nice bacon butty, Dave? Ooh, yeah.
Please, Barbara.
That'd be lovely.
Go and put some bacon on for us, will you, Antony? (Sighs) You make a right show of me, Dave.
You said that was enough for you.
- It's only a bit of bacon.
- Aye, a bit of my bloody bacon.
(TV) Next week, Las Vegas, the wedding capital of the world.
Who said the age of romance is gone? Antony, put some under for me, ar all.
(TV) I'll be exploring and getting lost on the Greek island of Corfu.
- Dad! - What? Your fly-hole's all undone.
Ah, the cage might be open but the beast is asleep.
- Beast, my arse.
- (Laughing) (Man on TV) I love every curve of your body.
Mam, will you ask our Antony to make my bacon dead, dead crispy? - Yeah.
- Antony! Make Denise's bacon dead, dead crispy.
- Here y'are, love.
- Oh, no, thanks.
- What's up with you? - Nothing.
- Have you given up? - Yeah.
- You've always loved smoking.
- Yeah, well Me and Dave have something to tell you.
- You said you werert gonna say owt.
- Yeah, I know.
Well, I am now.
- You said it was a big secret.
- Yeah, but that was this morning.
Mam, Dad.
We're pregnant.
- Huh.
Bloody hell! - (# Coronation Street theme) - Put it there, David.
Well done.
- Thanks, James.
Well done, lad.
Come here, give your dad a hug.
Come here, my little glow-worm.
Well done! - Well done, love.
- Oh, I can't believe it! (Laughing) I can't believe it! Hey, Antony! Antony! Our Denise and David are having a baby! Oh, nice one.
Put a bit of bacon on there for the baby, will you, lad? I can't believe our Antony.
There's a new life forming in my womb.
He's not even arsed.
Ooh, God, Denise! (Laughing) Ooh, I'll have to have a ciggie.
- Whers it due? - In January.
- January.
Ooh, are you pleased, Dave? - Yeah, delighted.
Well, they don't come cheap, son.
You'll have to get stuck in now, get all the overtime you can.
Well done, Denise.
Hey, at least you can do something bloody properly.
(Tuts) Oh, I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
Can't.
- Can you believe it? - Yeah.
(Exhaling) Ooh! Oh, no, no, I like it.
Ooh, lovely.
Ooh Oh, Mam - Ah, Dave, look at me mam.
- I know.
Aaah Ooh - (Denise) Ahh - D'you know I've been waiting for this day all my life.
I can't tell you how happy you've made me.
Are your mum and dad pleased, Dave? I've not really told them yet, with it being a secret ar all.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jim.
Our first grandchild.
I know.
I can't bloody believe it.
Oh Ooh.
When did you find out? Well, my period was late, right? And then I was really sick.
But I thought, you know, it was just a hangover, cos the night before we'd had that lock-in at the Feathers.
But the next day I was really sick again so I went down Boots's and got a pregnancy kit.
- Ten quid, they are.
- Ooh.
Anyway, the line came up in the square window.
- Oh, Denise, the square window! - Yeah.
So I was shouting for Dave at the top of the stairs but he was watching something on telly.
- What was you watching, Dave? - Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
And then then he come up and I'm at it, "Hey, Daddy, guess what?" Like that to him.
Didrt I, Dave? - Mm.
- And did he know what you meant? - No.
- No.
No.
But then I said, you know, "Dave, I'm pregnant.
" - And the penny dropped, didn't it? - Yeah, straightaway, yeah.
And, er, I let him have a little look in the square window.
(Whispering) The square window.
- Bet you were delighted, Dave.
- Ooh, yeah, big style.
£10 for a bloody pregnancy test.
Bloody highway robbery.
Our Denise.
God.
Do you know, last night, right, we was watching Animal Hospital and Dave had his head there, on me belly, - and he was just talking to the baby.
- Aaah.
(Muttering) Knobhead.
What d'you want, Dave? I want a boy.
Yeah.
Or a girl.
Or a girl, yeah.
Or a girl.
Antony bring me the phone.
I'm gonna tell your nana.
Aaah.
Mam, will you let me tell her? Oh.
All right, then.
Ta, love.
Hiya hiya, Mam.
Mam, our Denise and Dave have got something very special to tell you.
Oh, OK, then.
Bye.
Can we ring her back after Corrie? I wouldn't ring her back for bloody spite now.
Bloody auld snatch.
- Jim! - Well.
Ahh Dave's started making that boxroom into a nursery.
Ohh.
What are you gonna do with the moped that was in it? - That's going.
- That's going nowhere.
Dave, you can't put a newborn baby in with a moped.
I'll throw a cover on it.
It's great news that, our kid.
I can't wait.
- Aaah.
Thanks.
- Well, give your sister a kiss.
Shake Dave's hand.
Where's your manners? - Nice one, Dave.
- Cheers, Woodley.
Aaah.
Antony, where's the red sauce for Dave? No red sauce.
(Jim) Get the red sauce, you lazy sod.
God, he's bone bloody idle.
(Jim) Don't know where he gets it from.
Hey, Denise, you're eating for two now.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, isn't it lovely? - Yeah.
D'you know what? I really, really hope it's a girl.
Ooh, yeah.
I'm gonna get her ears pierced before the christening.
(Jim) You wanna get her tattooed as well, while you're at it.
Cheers, Woody.
(Whistles) Hey, Antony, we've got you down as the main baby-sitter.
- You can kiss my arse.
- (Gasps) Nice one, Lurch.
Me and your dad'll do all your baby-sitting, you know.
Thanks.
Anyway, what am I thinking about? We should be celebrating! Antony, nip down the offie and get us some Pomagne.
Hey, nothing but the best for this baby.
How about the old champagne? - (AIl) Whoo! - Dad! Yeah, well.
How much is that gonna set me back? About 25 quid.
Here y'are, there's a fiver.
Just get a bottle of Pomagne.
Well, bloody 'ell, it's not twins.
- Denise, you're not meant to have any.
- Yeah, I am.
I can't get tanked up like most nights, but I can have a good old couple, can't I, Mam? Ooh, yeah.
I did with you two.
- (TV) Your hero's home again.
- You only get one hero's welcome.
Denise, have you thought about any names yet? Thought about nothing else.
But everything I like, he doesn't like.
- If it's a girl, I really want Whitney.
- Oh, Whitney? That's gorgeous.
Whitney.
- What if it's a boy? - Well, I really want Keanu.
- But Dave wants Dave.
- Oh.
I don't think you should have a Dave.
- No.
- I mean, Dave's Dave.
- Hmm.
What do you think, Jim? - Eh? What about? Well, if it's a boy, Dave wants to call it Dave.
What d'you want another Dave for? Come on, son, get a grip of yourself.
See? Well, it's like handing it down, innit? I mean, my dad was Dave.
And his dad.
And I think his dad was, as well.
And his dad.
(Jim) Well, it's about time you put a bloody stop to it.
Come on.
Irt it funny, you being pregnant? You know Lorraine across the road? - Leggings Lorraine? - Yeah, she's been sterilised.
- Has she? - Yeah.
Well, four's enough for any single mother.
I bet there's like a clowrs pocket there, eh, Dave? - (Dave laughs) - Jim! - What? - (Chuckling) - Dave.
- Mm? - The baby wants some milk.
- Oh, aye.
Look at the big soft sod.
Dad! I'm pregnant.
I've got to take it easy now.
What d'you mean, "now"? She's right.
She's got to drink a lot of milk.
It's good for the baby's teeth.
- Is it? - Ooh, yes.
(TV) I'm afraid we're talking at cross purposes, Mrs Webster.
- Are we? - Yes.
You see, Rosie is the bully.
- Here you are, Mummy.
- Aaah.
Thanks, Dave.
Denise, have you thought about whether you'll breast-feed or not? I wouldn't if I was you.
That's why the springs have gone in your mother's.
- Boing! (Makes twanging noises) - Hey, hey! You cheeky sod, Jim.
Oh, I haven't got bad boobs for a woman of my age.
Behave.
They're like bloody spaniel's ears.
Oh, right.
Right, well, that's the last time you see 'em.
Hey.
I'll not put the mockers on your shrivelled knockers.
Give over, Barb.
No, I'm not gonna breast-feed.
I've been thinking about it, right? If the baby wants feeding in the night, with my breasts, it'll mean me having to wake up.
But if it's like bottle-fed and everything, Dave can do it.
You know, when you're not there.
You see, I've got to keep me independence.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You must keep your independence.
- (TV) a one-in-five chance - Bottled stuff's just as good.
Yeah.
Do you know what size it is now? - Ooh, no, what size? - What size was it again, Dave? I dunno.
Erm, what was it? Oh, yeah, the size of a little nut.
A little nut? Oh Denise.
A nut! Hey, Dave, are you gonna be changing the nappies? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna get involved, me.
Aaah.
Oh, 'ey.
It's all different nowadays.
- I bet Dad never changed our nappies.
- Ooh, did he hell.
I'm still wiping her arse 20-odd years later.
Jim! - Well.
- Dad.
caresses her skin and penetrates Hey, d'you know what Dave's getting? One of those things that you put there and you put the baby in it - and you carry it around.
- (Laughing) Are you, Dave? - That's not definite yet, Denise.
- Dave, you said you were.
Well, it's not I'm not definite about that yet.
Dave! I'll have been carrying it around for nine months all on me own.
You can always leave it here, you know, when you're shopping.
- It's their bloody baby.
- (TV) why Rosie's misbehaving.
I won't be able to have a nanny straightaway.
- Aaah.
- What bloody nanny? I can't look after it full-time.
I've got to think of my independence.
What independence? Sitting on your arse all day, watching Richard And Judy? Oh, I think she's right.
Why don't they leave it here and visit the bugger once a week? (Chuckling) (Door opening) Ooh! Hey, I got some Asti.
- Oh, lovely! - Yeah! - Got one.
- Do you know, I love Asti.
- Change, please.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oi, Denise.
I saw Duckers.
He's made up about the baby.
What are you telling people for? It's mine and Dave's baby.
- Mam, tell him to stop telling everyone.
- Stop telling everyone.
I've only told Duckers.
Oh, cheers.
So Duckers knows about it before me own nana.
Your own bloody nana is more bloody interested in bloody Coronation bloody Street than the baby.
How many bloodys is that? Anyway, come on.
Let's celebrate.
Oh, here we go, here we go, here we go.
- (Cork pops) - Whoo! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Nice one, Barb.
It'll be fresh, that.
Are you going to make a speech, Jim? Bloody hell, Barb.
Let me have a drink first.
- Loads for me.
I'm drinking for two.
- Oh, right.
- Right, pass that over.
- Give a drop more, please, Barb, here, for your little husband.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to be able to say that we know that Dave isn't firing blanks.
- Wahey! - (Laughter) - Ooh.
- Hey, I'm no jaffa.
Hey, it might not even be Dave's.
Antony, why do you have to spoil everything? Of course it's Dave's.
- Of course it's Dave's.
- Of course it's mine.
Anyway, right.
To David Denise and little Keanu, all the best.
- Aaah.
To Keanu.
- (AIl) To Keanu.
- Keanu.
- Yee-ha.
(Antony) Cheers, Dave.
(Dave) Cheers.
- Or Whitney.
- (AIl) Whitney.
Whitney.
Hey, Denise, I'm made up with it.
Hey, don't neck it, Antony.
- Can I have another? - No, you can't.
I'm absolutely made up with you being pregnant, because you know if it was left to old Gay Boy over there, - we'd never have any grandkids.
- (Chuckling) - Jim, it's a celebration! - Oh, he's a little old bummer.
I tell you what, it's won'th the extra few bob, that, isn't it? Mmm.
- Dave.
- Mm? - Are you going to be at the birth? - Oh, aye, wouldn't miss that.
- Ohh.
- (Jim chuckles) You're not are you? You're not going at the goal end, are you? At least he won't be in the pub like you were.
I couldn't get in between you and your mother on the day.
Hm.
- You'll be there with me, won't you? - Oh, yeah.
- I'm gonna ask Cheryl ar all.
- Aaah.
Why don't you just put a turnstile in the maternity ward? (Denise laughs) Ooh, I've not even told Cheryl yet.
Antony, go and get Cheryl.
- You go and get her.
- I've got to rest.
I'm with child.
Hey, Lurch, go on.
Do as your bloody sister asks you.
Where does he get it from, him? And don't you go telling her.
I want to tell her.
(TV) I know it's just going to lead to trouble.
What the hell.
- I'm gonna ask Cheryl to be godmother.
- Are you? Yeah.
- Aww.
- She'd be great, Cheryl.
- Ooh, yeah.
And if I ask her to be godmother, she'll never mind when I ask her to baby-sit.
(Barbara) No.
(Jim) Why not get the baby adopted? Bloody hell.
There's nothing like a mother's love, is there? (TV) The problem is it's illegal, Gary, you know? - Denise - Mm? Are you going to ask Antony to be godfather? No.
- Anyway, Dave wants Gary.
- Oh.
Do you, Dave? Well, his mum died recently, Barbara, you know.
- Oh.
- And I owe him 200 quid, you know, so it should hold him off for a bit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Mam, where's Antony with Cheryl? - He'll be a while yet, won't he? He'll still be trying to prise her bloody head out the fridge.
I'm gonna move this anyway before she spots it.
(Barbara) Ohh.
- He better not have said anything.
- Oh, don't worry.
He won't.
- (Several voices) # Congratulations - (Jim) Oh.
# And jubilations # I want the world to know how happy life can be # (Mary) Oh, congratulations, Denise.
I'm so pleased for you both.
Oh, Dave.
Oh, thanks, Mary.
- (Mary) It's lovely, isn't it, Jim? - I can't believe it, you know.
We were only watching the wedding video again last night.
Isn't that weird? All right, Joe.
What do you think of the news? Oh, aye.
Cheryl, guess who I want to be godmother? - Who? - You.
- (Gasps) Oh, Denise.
- Oh, sweet Jesus.
That's just cos you'll baby-sit all the bloody time.
Oh, Jim.
Take no notice of him, love.
Oh, no, I'd love to look after it all the time.
- Aaah.
Cheers, Cheryl.
- Whers it due? - January.
- Oh, January.
If it's early January, it will be a Capricorn.
If it's later January, it'll be Aquarius.
- Ooh.
- I'm gonna try and hold on if I can - till late January, cos Dave's Aquarius.
- Ooh.
Are you an Aquarius, Dave? - Yeah, I am, yeah.
- Ooh.
- Joe's Aquarius.
- Ooh, are you an Aquarius, Joe? Yeah.
Let's hope the baby's Capricorn, then, eh? Hey, Joe, do you wanna go to the birth? Our Denise is organising a coach trip.
A little baby, eh? - A little baby.
- Right.
(Cheryl) Oh, I can't believe it.
I'm so made up.
Denise, you can eat for two now.
Yeah.
Hey, Dave's got to come with me to antenatal classes.
- Ooh.
- (Jim) Waay! - (Jim chuckles) - Woo! What are you going there for? I've gotta learn about everything.
What's there to learn? You feed the bugger when it's hungry, change its nappy when it's crapped itself, that's all.
Oh, and what do you know? You never came near these two when they were little.
Joe was the same.
When Cheryl was born, he was terrified of holding her.
- She was such a delicate little thing.
- Aww.
- She was only six pounds.
- Who was? Cheryl? Yes.
They don't stay small for long.
No.
How's your diet going, Cheryl? - Oh, um, I lost half a stone.
- (Both) Have you? Oh, Cheryl! Oh, that's wonderful! Oh, well done! That's loads, that, Cheryl.
No, I don't mean half a stone, I mean half a pound.
Oh.
- Oh, well.
- It's still good, irt it? - Hey, it's going in the right direction.
- (Denise) Yeah.
(Mary) Yes.
It's marvellous.
Hey, your turn next, Cheryl.
(AII women) Yeah.
All she needs to do now is find a boyfriend, get married and conceive.
(Joe) She's got no chance.
Denise pregnant.
And do you know about Lorraine in her leggings? - Sterilised.
- Yeah, I've just been telling our Denise.
- Yeah.
- I tell you what, Joe.
We'll have a good night in the Feathers the night the baby's born.
- Right.
- Ooh, aye, big style.
- You're not goir.
- Course I'm goir.
Oh, cheers.
You all have a great time.
I'll do all the hard work.
(Jim) It'll be the first time you've done any hard work.
And anyway, he's done his little bit now, haven't you, son? (Barbara) Oh, Jim, don't spoil it.
(Mary) Oh, they have them in and out of hospitals now.
- Yeah.
- Not like it was with us.
- We were in a week.
- Yeah.
When I came home with our Denise, there wasrt a thing done in the house.
Jim hadrt even washed a dish while I'd been in.
I was leaving them to soak.
Well.
We'd better be going.
The Bill is on in a bit.
- Ooh.
- We just wanted to say congratulations.
- (Denise and Barbara) Aaah.
- Are you staying, Cheryl? No.
I'll have my tea and come back.
Will you still be here? - Yeah.
- See you later.
You don't wanna miss your tea, love, you'll waste away.
- Really lovely news.
- Aaah, thanks, Mary.
- Bye, Mary.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- (Jim) Ta-ra, Joe.
- Ta-ra.
- (Dave) Bye, Joe.
Bloody 'ell.
I thought they were never going.
I tell you what.
Joe was made up about the baby.
(AIl) Yeah.
(Mimics Joe) Aye.
A little baby.
(AII laugh) Great personality, though, hasn't he? Apparently the South Bank Show are going to do a one-hour special on him.
No, they are.
Right.
Where's me newspaper? I'm off to the khazi to try for a little baby of me own.
(Barbara) Jim! (Denise) Dad! Hey, be careful of them stairs, Grandad.
Bloody 'ell, yeah.
Grandad.
Aaah.
Keanu, my arse.
# So what do you say # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #