The Sarah Millican Television Programme (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.
I love watching medical shows on the telly.
I saw a documentary that said thousands of people over 60 have ADHD and I thought, "Surely a hyperactive pensioner is a good thing?" It might make them move a bit faster in the Post Office! And they'll finally be warm! Drugs Live was a weird show, where people took drugs on TV and we watched the effects they had on them.
I don't do drugs and I don't really drink, so sometimes if I want to mix things up, I'll put my clocks back an hour and then watch UK Gold Plus 1.
It properly fucks you up! Is it now, is it then? I like Nigella, but her sexy cooking has got out of hand.
She only cooks things with plums in, so she can look at the camera and go, "Plums!" In saying that, her cock and ball bag pie was to die for.
Now, when I was watching the last series of X Factor, it felt like I disagreed with everything the judges said.
If I thought someone sang well, the judges didn't put them through.
If I thought they were just noise in thrushy jeans You've had those before, haven't you, flower? They generally come with free Canesten.
Then they went straight through to boot camp.
So I posted on Twitter, "I disagree with everything the X Factor "judges say.
Does that mean I'm old, sensible or tone deaf?" Some people said, "You're old like me," others said, "Sensible," and one person responded, "You're a fat unfunny dyke!" I thought, "They weren't any of the options I gave you.
" X Factor is a bit like being in a bad relationship.
I keep going back, he never makes me happy.
And I always get judged on my performance.
It's weird they have the sob stories on X Factor, but not on Strictly.
Some of those poor buggers haven't had an acting job since the end of the '80s.
Reality shows like X Factor and Strictly are always described as emotional rollercoasters.
I always thought an emotional rollercoaster was when you found you couldn't fit in one of the seats.
Oh, no.
You, go on.
I'll hold your bag.
For me, X Factor is more like the Log Flume cos thanks to Gary Barlow, I always end up a little bit wet.
Now, dance shows are popular at the moment.
There's So You Think You Can Dance, Got To Dance and if it's a family party, You'd Better Bloody Dance.
I'm not looking like a tit on my own! The dancing show I'd like to see is Dances With Wolves.
A minor celebrity dancing whilst crying.
I'm going to pitch that.
I love Strictly.
As soon as Brucie danced out on the first step episode, I thought, "I bloody love you.
" When he does his "jokes" he always reminds me of Basil Brush.
He's all teeth and expectation! Boom boom! That's just his pacemaker.
My mam always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say "anything at all," so please welcome Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood.
Hello, Craig.
Hello, darling.
Welcome to the show, love.
Thank you, my love.
You've had an interesting life, haven't you? I have.
Can we expect to see the Craig Revel Horwood movie? Well, that would be good.
I'd enjoy that.
I don't know that the viewers would like it though.
Who would play you in the film of your life? Kylie, or? That's not a bad idea.
She just needs to grow six more feet, darling.
Have you got a lot of feet? Were you always judgemental as a child? I guess I was.
I used to judge myself.
I used to put on little shows for my family at Christmas.
I'd get dressed up in drag at seven and then we had big fabulous sliding doors.
I'd open them up and do the Big Spender number with a feather boa and a blond wig.
My father chased me around the house, however.
It wasn't his wig, was it? When you say "at seven", was that your age or was that the time of evening you did it? And then at nine Do you dance at weddings? No.
I hate dancing at weddings.
Why? Because I feel like I'm being judged.
I know that sounds odd! Dancing in public has never been a good scenario for me.
But you've made a career off the back of it though.
Um Dancing is quite erotic, isn't it? It can be quite erotic on Strictly.
Are you ever glad that you're behind a desk? Well I do like sexy dancing.
It's got to be said, darling.
Who was the worst dancer you've ever had? I think that was Quentin Wilson.
And what about on the show? Who was worse between John Sergeant and Ann Widdecombe? Ann Widdecombe.
Although she did manage to polish the floor.
Have you ever held up the wrong number by mistake and had to bluff your way through giving that score? We have little buzzers that we press and I have accidentally pressed the number next to the number I wanted.
And then of course I had to try and It was a low score.
I had to then try and find as many things wrong with it as I could.
I love the fact that you said there that it was quite a low score, like you ever give anything higher than that.
Well, I remember it was a four.
But I'd wanted to give a seven.
So it was a bit of a disaster.
So instead of just pausing and saying, "I'm sorry, I've made a mistake, let's do it again," you just carried on saying how shit they were! The point It's live television.
What can you do, darling? Be nicer? Have you ever regretted being too harsh? Only once.
When I called Patsy Palmer a scrubber in a puffer jacket that cries all the time.
I did regret that actually.
She's a very lovely lady.
Were you getting her mixed up with her character again? Yeah.
Yeah, it's easy to do, isn't it? And finally, you were the face of British Sausage Week Don't go any further with that.
You can't tell me what to do.
I'm not dancing.
I was King of the Sizzle! When you signed up to it, did you think you were signing up to something different? No, I knew exactly what I was in for, but I loved the trophies I used to hand out.
They were complete big sausages, probably about that big.
All gold.
And they looked exactly like dildos.
They were hilarious.
And I had to hand them to every butcher that won for the best sausage! That might be the best job anybody's ever had.
Thanks so much for coming on the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Revel Horwood.
He's lovely really, isn't he? Britain's Got Talent is tricky.
You can't compare jugglers and dancing dogs.
Yes, you can, cos jugglers are shit.
I like to see them practising backstage.
The juggler juggling and the dog going mental watching all the balls.
Throw the bloody thing! I think, if a dog can really dance, put it on Strictly.
Brendan Cole has finally met his match.
He does strike me as something of a leg humper anyway.
It must be hard for the contestants on Britain's Got Talent.
Being buzzed off by David Walliams is not as fun as it sounds.
I buzz myself off at home all the time.
It's the only way I can watch the show.
I drove past the Britain's Got Talent audition queue in Birmingham.
I didn't know that's what it was at the time.
I assumed it was the dole office.
I thought, "Why is he signing on with a hula hoop?" Britain's Got Talent went all over the world.
Canada's Got Talent ran for only one series.
Turns out nope! Andrew Lloyd Webber does those talent shows where he tries to find something good for the West End of London.
In my experience, it'd be more toilets.
And fewer twats.
I love those search for a star programmes, especially the Lloyd Webber Jobcentre ones.
But when someone got voted off, it was brutal.
For the Wizard of Oz, the one leaving had to hand in her ruby slippers.
Ouch.
For the Sound of Music, the rest of the contestants sang, So long, farewell Brutal.
I don't know if you saw the Jesus Christ Superstar one.
They nailed him to a cross! If you come back on Sunday, the job's yours.
Now, I've always enjoyed judging people.
You, horrible top.
Um It's nice.
But what would it be like to do it professionally? Let's ask someone who knows and add a bit of girl power to the proceedings.
Please welcome Superstar judge Melanie C.
Hello.
Thank you very much for coming on the show.
It's a pleasure.
I'm so excited to have an actual Spice Girl in the room.
I'm a massive fan.
A real life one.
And the best one.
Um Totally.
See? I'm right! I've got a really important question that I've been dying to ask you.
What is it like when Victoria smiles? You must have seen her smile! She's got such a pretty face, if she smiled, it would be so lovely.
Is it nice? Is it like Narnia? Yes.
The thing is The thing is with Victoria, if you're with her in private, she's so funny and she's always laughing and joking, but I think, you know, she's one of the most written about written about and photographed women in the world and I think her pout is her armour.
That's how she feels comfortable.
To protect herself, I suppose.
Yeah.
Next time you see her, just get her to sneak one out once in a while.
I mean a smile.
That sounds terrible! What was the audition for the Spice Girls like? It was weird.
The first thing was on how you looked and how you moved.
They were like, "Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah.
" Oh, that's harsh! And then you came back to sing.
So singing was very secondary? I fell into that trap! You should have lied, said the singing was first.
Yes, it was.
If a Spice Girl turned up to an audition now, who would you put through and who would you send home? - If you were on the other side? - Oooh! How mean's that? I totally went there.
Shut your face! You know what? With the girls, we all would admit we all had different strengths and tried to play to that.
There were some great singers in the band.
Everyone can sing, but some were stronger than others and some are better dancers than others.
A band needs all of that.
I think with the Spice Girls, what made us so successful, was our chemistry and our energy.
It would have been better if you'd picked one, but it's fine.
We'll add that in later on.
Yeah, ask me a question and take one of the names and edit it in.
It's all editing.
It's fine.
Now, when I've had a crappy day, and this is true, I put the Spice Girls on and I dance around in my nightie in my flat.
Do you? Is there music you always put on when you've had a crappy day? Um I like some like big ballads cos singing makes me feel great.
So I like really give it loads.
I do that in the car as well.
I don't think about people seeing you.
At traffic lights, when you pull up and you glance across, and you realise they have just seen you feeling for beard.
It's dangerous to get your tweezers out, but if you've got nails, you can just try and get a couple.
Now, you helped to find Jesus for Jesus Christ Superstar with Andrew Lloyd Webber.
On a scale of one to ten, how creepy is he in person? The things is, I have to say about Andrew, is I think he is probably the most misunderstood person in the public eye.
But he's a genius.
And I was astounded by him.
He was funny, he was quick and he was so kind to the contestants.
I need to press you for a number.
Zero.
He's not creepy, he's lovely.
Later on, we'll get you to say loads of numbers.
And then we'll just cut one in.
Geri Halliwell.
Seven.
I love it that you've just accidentally told us which one you would have sent home.
Not really, Geri.
Mwah.
How do you think the actual Jesus would have done on the show? I love what you've done with the loaves and fishes, but you sound a bit karaoke.
What advice would you give to someone on how to win over the public on a talent show? Well, my advice would be to always be yourself, unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob.
Unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob.
Yeah.
And then you should suppress that! Just be really fake.
Just be really fake! That's the best advice ever! That's advice for life! Now, the whole Olympics was obviously just a cover for the real agenda, which was to get the Spice Girls back together.
No, that's fact.
Whose idea was it to get you all in Zimmer frames? Yeah.
We've got a photo of this, on top of the taxis.
Of all the Spice Girls, who do you think has aged the best? Oooh! Cos I think they've all aged really well.
Looking pretty good actually.
We're doing all right.
We're all getting close to 40, or someone is 40.
Which? Which one's 40? Your favourite.
You're my favourite.
Aw, thanks.
Genuinely.
I'm 38.
I'm 37.
Are you? I don't know what I've won, but I've definitely won! Maybe, as an ending Maybe you could judge how I've interviewed you.
Oh, my God! How did I do? Well, you know I've been interviewed a lot of times by lots of different people, all over the world, for many years.
And And that was one of them.
Aw! No, I've really enjoyed it.
I'm still 37.
Um Thank you so much for coming on the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, Melanie C.
Now, let's talk about medical shows.
I love One Born Every Minute, the documentary set in a maternity ward.
Thankfully, there isn't one born every minute in the show.
I don't know if I could watch 60 pixelated nunnies, one after the other.
Mine doesn't look like that.
Theirs are all squared off.
My pain threshold is very low.
At my second ever smear test Oh, yes.
We're going there.
I was pretty tense.
The first one, you don't really know what's going to happen.
And then the second one, you know exactly what's going to happen.
When the nurse had finished, she saw how tense I still was and said, "You're going to have to relax.
"If you don't, you're going to be taking it home.
" I've seen a woman on One Born Every Minute where the baby's stuck halfway out.
If that was me, I'd say, "You know what? Just leave it.
"I'll buy bigger pants.
"If I take my bra off, my boobs will probably still reach.
" One Born Every Minute is a very female-heavy programme, understandably, but they could encourage more men to watch by having an honest male voiceover.
Something like, "Tracy is making a fuss.
"Tracy is crying.
Again.
"Tracy should remember whose idea this was in the first place.
" Medical dramas are good for men because they hate going to the doctor's.
My boyfriend got a box set, in the hope the rash he'd got would crop up on Quincy.
I saw Dr Christian on a new version of his show called Embarrassing Old Bodies.
It was daft o'clock in the morning and I'm watching old men's todgers.
And I thought, "It's time for bed.
" I mean, as in "It's time for bed.
" Not like, "It's time for bed!" I'm the youngest and I was always a little bugger to my older sister.
My mam used to pick her up whenever she used slang.
So my sister would say, "Am gaan oot" and my mam would reply, "You're going out!" And I would irritatingly parrot, "You're going out!" One time, my sister had been to hospital about a bad finger.
When she came back, I said, "What's the matter with it?" She said, "It's gangrene," and I went, "It's going green!" I love on Holby, you know when they go in with a bad ankle, they always get told they've actually got a problem with their heart? It's like a mechanic padding out the bill.
Have you noticed that all of the extras seem to do the rounds of the other soaps? I find myself watching someone on their deathbed and thinking, "Let the bugger die.
He was shoplifting from Rita's Kabin last week!" You know? I think I'd be useless in Casualty.
I told me mam not to ring us while I'm at work.
Oh, God! I'm actually IN Casualty, aren't I? Please welcome Tony Marshall, Azuka Oforka, Suzanne Packer and Charlie Dale from Casualty.
Hello! Welcome to the show.
Thank you for coming.
Do any of you walk past people up ladders or using a chainsaw and think, "I know what's going to happen here.
I've seen this one"? No, that hasn't happened.
That's never happened? Do people ever confuse you with your roles? Suzanne, do people ever just lob it out and say, "Do you mind having a look at this, pet?" They do it on a Sunday morning when I am trying to nip in to a DVD shop in me pyjamas and then they start asking me advice on their bleeding piles.
Wow! Your character, Big Mac - you've been a hospital porter for five years.
Mm-hmm.
Do you just lack ambition? He's like me.
He's just happy where he is.
Happy where he is? Exactly.
Anything for a peaceful life? Exactly.
I like it.
Why does no-one on Casualty ever know they're pregnant, before they end up just pushing their baby out? It's not like we don't know what causes it! I think, perhaps, we've got a lot of fuller figured actresses, perhaps.
And they don't notice.
Ooohh! What? I speak as a fuller-figured member! So you think women are fatter and they don't know they're pregnant? You asked the question, not me.
I asked the question.
You answered like that, though, flower! Shall we move on? You'll know this.
How do you get blood out of your clothes? Is it the same as red wine? Do you have to like, splash on a white bodily fluid? There's a couple of people going, "I've tried that, it doesn't work!" "You just end up with a hell of a mess on your carpet!" Have any of you ever tried just kissing it better? Excuse me? When you're at work, and somebody's not very well, just tried kissing it better, yourself? Oh, kissing it BETTER! What do you think I said? I don't know, I don't know.
Did you think I said kissing it bigger? That does work! Why, on Casualty - it's been going a long time, hasn't it - have you never had an accident where someone's been hoovering and and their trousers fall down and they trip and they end up with the hose up their arsehole? Because my friend's boyfriend said this happens all the time! All the time? We have had a mobile phone in a certain area.
I can reveal.
Did you? They were checking the ringtone or something? I can't add anything funnier to that.
Excuse me.
Yes? Yes, visiting hours are from two to eight.
No problem.
All right.
Bye.
Holby City Casualty unit.
Aha, yeah.
Oh, you poor thing! Does it smell a bit? Is there a discharge? Really? That is a lot, isn't it? No, no, no, don't come in! But Channel 5 might want to make a documentary about you.
Oh, em, just take two Neurofen and try not to scratch it, flower.
What's happening over here? Who's this then? Excuse me, are you medically qualified? Erm in a in a Gillian McKeith sort of way.
So, no, not really.
But I've got me own uniform! It's wipe clean.
Inside AND out.
Plums! Nurse, patient's complaining of pain in the lower legs.
I am going in for CPR.
Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus Join in if you know it! Off she went with a trumpety-trump Trump, trump, trump.
We're losing him.
Give me the dif the diff tip the jump-starty thing.
Clear! No work work with us, flower.
Have you not seen the telly ever? When I do the doof, you do the jump at the same time.
Is that all right? We'll get you in RADA, it'll be champion, love.
Yeah, OK, right.
Clear! Clear! Excuse me, love.
Where do you think you're going with that, now? This is bloody brilliant.
I'm taking it home.
Thanks so much for coming into the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tony, Azuka, Charlie and Suzanne from Casualty.
That's it for tonight.
Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about House - Hugh Laurie's limp, although he wouldn't be if I got me hands on him! The documentary The Man Who Looks Like A Tree.
He looks better now that he's had his roots done! And we haven't had time to talk about Embarrassing Bodies Live - which is just the changing room at Primark! Good night!