The Simple Life (2003) s02e01 Episode Script

You all want to help me pluck some chickens? - I can't do that.
- I won't.
I'll throw up.
Get your fat asses down there! We're back ! Paris Hilton has invaded South Florida promoting season two of the simple life.
Hi, ET, I'm Paris.
What are your expectations? The first season was great and everyone loves it.
Everyone is just waiting for a part two and Could we change Tinkerbell's outfit? Fashion model.
Jetsetter.
Target of the tabloids.
And heir to the $350 million Hilton fortune.
Singer.
Notorious party girl.
And daughter of superstar Lionel Richie.
They proved they could live the simple life, but can these two best friends do it again? Oh, my god, don't swerve, don't swerve.
A road trip from Miami beach all the way home to Beverly Hills and they have to drive themselves.
No money.
No credit cards and no place to stay but trailer parks.
Oh, god, is this a real trailer park? Yes.
And with families they meet along the way.
How old are you? That's legal.
Hallelujah.
We don't speak profanity.
- We've got plenty of animals in here.
- I love animals.
We love animals as you can see.
Can these girls cut it? That can be grounds for termination.
What's termination? Fired.
Good luck, girls.
South beach, Miami.
Vacation spot of the rich and famous.
That's where the girls are enjoying the last day of their luxurious vacation.
I'm so happy we came to Miami before we left.
It's so nice here.
I know.
Loves it.
Let's go shopping.
I love these.
Those will be good to hitchhike in when we run out of gas.
Yeah.
- Today is gonna be my day - Come on, Tinkerbell.
And nothing is gonna get in my way I like this dress.
Certainly not this, certainly not this certainly not our last good-bye kiss everything that could go wrong I'm gonna keep at bay - Saks fifth avenue-- let's go.
Today is gonna go my way no matter what anyone might say Oh, good.
The car is here.
What the girls don't know is their trip is about to start a little bit early.
Shut the (beep) up.
Oh, my god.
It's kind of cute.
The decor Is there one bed? Both of us have to sleep there? Yes.
With the dogs? Let's see the bathroom.
Oh, my god.
It's so I'm not showering.
Because where's the water come from? There's no mirror in here.
We need to buy a mirror.
Wal-mart.
Loves it.
Wal-mart.
It's small, but we can make it work.
I like the truck.
It matches our outfits.
Well, the girls are about to hit the open road, but first, there's one last little bit of business to take care of.
So Oh, my god, I'm so scared, nicole.
If I were you, don't change lanes.
It's so big.
Don't reverse.
So how am I going to drive? Just drive forward.
America Here we come.
Let's take two girls both filthy rich.
Isn't that Paris Hilton? From the bright lights into the sticks from velvet ropes to cattle pulls let's take away their limousines, their credit cards and shopping sprees.
Well, they're both spoiled rotten will they cry when they hit bottom? Heaven knows if they'll survive this simple country kind of life.
Where the hell are we? Well the girls are off on their journey.
No money, no credit card, and threee thousand miles to go.
Eastbound and down loaded up and truckin' we're gonna do what they say can't be done we got a long way to go and a short time to get there I'm eastbound, just watch ol' bandit run Oh, my god.
What happened? What happened? I don't know.
Everyone's beeping.
Stop.
You're in two lanes.
I see all those cars.
They're, like, going like this.
I don't want to fly off the cliff.
Honey, you're not close to the cliff.
You're close to that wall over there.
I can't tell.
It's so annoying.
There's someone to the on the side of you.
I'm just letting you know.
Then drive slow and don't get near me.
What is this? Change? We have no money.
What do we say? You have to talk.
Is it a guy or a girl? I hope it's a guy.
It's a girl.
Our luck.
We don't have any money.
Don't have money? Nothing? No.
Why? Do you have the driver license, mama? No.
- You don't have a driver's license? - No.
I didn't bring one.
You have driver license? No.
I have a license, but not with me.
Oh, my god.
Can we give you do you want gum? Oh, my god.
What can we sell? My $100,000 watch? Do you want contact solution? No.
What if we get your address, and we'll send you, like, $20? I swear.
Do you have $20? No, I have no money.
Don't have money? I do have money in real life.
Sir, do you have 75 cents? Thanks, (bleep).
- Sir ? Please.
- Miss, miss? Do you have 75 cents for me, please? Thank you so much, you guys.
Bye.
We are making so much traffic.
Yes, please.
Can I have, like, five more dollars for gas? Just please? Love you.
Bye, guys.
Did you get it? Yes! Whoo! Loves it.
Here.
Bye, gorgeous.
Take care, mommy.
That was awesome.
It's going to be easier than I thought to get across country.
If you see a tanning salon, let's go there.
With what money? Oh, yeah.
Remember when we were little, the bizarre kid, when he ripped his underwear? Yes.
Freaking out.
He died.
He was like the token disgusting guy.
And he really, like, now that I'm thinking about it, he really wasn't that ugly, I feel like.
That we had a lot uglier people in our class.
Aww.
That was so mean.
He's probably in rehab now.
What is that? "Fuel level low.
" When that light comes on, you have, like, five miles or something.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Don't push on the gas.
Why? Because we don't have any.
There's a gas station.
Thank god.
How are we going to get gas? Oh, yeah.
We have five dollars.
Ask this guy.
Excuse me.
Can you come here, please? We just want to know if we can borrow, like, five dollars? You know what, keep the five.
I'll do you a favor, I'll take the ten.
Hi.
Do you have two dollars? Mm-mm.
No speak english.
Um, dos moolah.
Thank you.
Oy.
You're good at this, Nicole.
This can be your new job.
I'm hungry.
We don't have any money.
Hi.
Can I ask you a question? Can I, like, help you, like, clean something or do do something so we can get gas? No, I cannot do that.
I'll work for you, though.
How many hours you work? I don't have hours.
For, like, five minutes, I'll help you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, you're very welcome.
Thirty-one.
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay, dr drive.
Go that way.
Right or left? Yeah.
Go right.
No, no, no, left.
Yeah, left.
Okay, keep coming back.
Left? Um, I don't know.
All right, now make it go that way.
I hate this thing.
Excuse me.
You have to go over there.
This is gas.
That? Yeah.
We need some help.
Do you know how to back up this thing? Oh, no problem.
Do you want regular or? The cheapest one.
We're really broke.
Also, could you lend us five dollars, please? Seems the girls are gonna need a lot of cash to get themselves home, so they're off to their first job at the batten ranch, home of the bull-it rodeo.
They should be here shortly, hopefully.
They'll be here anytime.
Even though the girls are a guest here in our home, we're not going to cater to them or treat them any differently than we would anybody else that came over to see us.
Me and Mary will fire up the grill for dinner then.
I look forward to having them come.
They're, you know, beautiful women, and who wouldn't want them around? Oh, yeah.
The girls will have fun.
It'll be easy enough for themas long as they don't step in any cow (bleep).
Ask for J.
O.
when you arrive.
Who's J.
O.
? Sounds like "J.
Lo.
" Well, hello, girls.
How y'all doing? Hi.
How are you all doing today? Good.
I'm Travis.
And I'm J.
O.
Batten.
But amy is Travis's wife, and this is would be Mary.
Well, let's show them the house.
Yeah, come on in, girls, and we'll see what we're gonna do.
This is our humble abode.
It's kind of different.
This is the main room.
This is where we sit most of the time when we're relaxing.
And kitchen and dining room and the other area in here.
Cool.
This is the master bedroom? Yes, ma'am, that's my bedroom.
That's where I stay most of the time.
What do you do with this mirror? Oh, it's just, uh, just something to look at once in a while.
Don't lie.
I make sure when I get up in the morning, my hair's in good shape, so, uh, it's not messed up.
well, we've got a few little things we need to set down, though, and talk about.
Yeah, I think y'all need to change, too.
Yeah, y'all got any long britches? - What's that? - What are britches ? Jeans.
Something to cover your legs when you're riding a horse? What is this place? This is bull-it rodeo.
But what, we don't We're going to have a rodeo tonight.
Like this? We're gonna do it? I want to do the, uh, this thing.
The cape? Oh, that's not here.
No, no, we don't do bullfighting.
Oh, they ride the bull.
It's like, like the electric bull.
Both of you can ride a horse? Yes.
Okay.
The one thing you don't want to do is, you don't want to touch a cowboy's hat.
And you see the size of it? Well, Travis has a smaller hat.
Grandpa has an even smaller hat.
It kind of goes to the ranking in which you are in the organization.
So this means I'm the boss.
Nicole and I are going to get hats this big.
Yeah, we want a big, big hat.
Those girls appear to be relatively intelligent, and I kind of rule with an iron hand, so what I say is gonna go.
Let's put on some britches.
That's hot.
Nicole, the bulls are not going to care how beautiful you are.
Yeah, they will.
Paris, which one of y'all run heavy equipment? What do you mean, "heavy equipment"? It's kind of like this.
We need to go up around the bucket shoots and scoop some of the manure out.
So we do a dual-purpose.
We clean up the arena and get the manure out of it, and we have the organic material to go back in for raising vegetables.
All the big piles out there.
They look like little turtles.
Put your back into it.
Bend over.
Don't hold it in my face.
Drop it.
Sick.
Where's some more turtles? This is a juicy one.
Ew.
Just smoosh it.
Cover it.
Like a cat box.
We got 'em.
Well, if you got them all, let's go pen the bulls now.
Can I ride the first one? It's the cutest.
You know how to saddle your own horse? Yeah.
Okay, girls, you ready? Y'all ride much? Yeah, I love riding.
Ooh, my earrings are killing me.
If y'all wanna just kind of wait right in here, I'll ride on around them.
Horses are smart.
Stop.
Why is his fast, and ours are so slow? I want to go really fast.
How do we go fast? Kick him.
Okay.
I love going fast.
You might want to hang on to your reins though, Paris.
Oh, yeah.
Give him a little kick.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, tell him to stop.
Tell him to stop.
Oh! Oh, my god.
How do we go fast? Kick him.
It's more fun to go fast.
Give him a little kick.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god ! Tell him to stop, tell him to stop! Oh! Ow! Oh, my god.
Can someone help me off this horse? Oh! You all right? Yeah.
They run too fast.
It hurts; there's like it feels like there's spikes going inside of my arm.
That's all these little weeds here.
It really hurts.
I didn't know it would go that fast.
Oh, let me get this organic out of your hair.
There's all these little spikes in my whole body.
It's just a stinging nettle.
They're not the spikes.
They're just I didn't even kick it that hard.
Well, it looks like Paris took a mighty bad fall.
It stepped on me too-- on my stomach.
And when you're worth $350 million, you take every possible precaution.
Miss Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks I get the feeling that you don't really give a (bleep) Miss Hilton, I like the way you push and glide roller skates on a social butterfly, well Miss Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks won't you chill with your money all up in the club? Paris hilton, the rich and famous hotel heiress is injured tonight during a taping for her Fox reality show.
Hilton was airlifted to a tampa hospital for evaluation.
Hilton was described as talkative and coherent even as staff ran a battery of tests on her.
We did receive miss Paris Hilton.
Anytime that there is an incident that meets trauma criteria, the patient is flown to the nearest trauma center.
What in her case met the level of trauma? I don't know.
She's coming.
You need to stand back.
Paris, what happened? I was riding a horse, and it just bucked me off-- I don't know why, and then I fell under it, and it stepped on me, and luckily there's no internal bleeding.
Has that ever happened to you before? I've been riding horses my whole life, and this has never happened to me, ever.
Thank you.
Feel better.
Thank you.
I nearly killed Paris, and I feel real bad about it, so I want to try to make up everything I can for her.
Hello, girls.
How are y'all doing? Good.
Paris, you feeling okay? No.
Gosh, I sure feel bad about this.
You're making me feel worse and worse every time I see you about what Old Red did to you.
I hate him.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Do you have any ice cream? 'Cause that usually makes girls feel better.
There's a place down the road, but it's a pretty good ways.
- That's okay.
- Yes.
Is it on you, 'cause we're broke as a joke ? Anything to make it up.
I might even let y'all feed the monkeys up there.
What monkeys? Hi.
Hi! I love her.
I'm scared.
Bobo.
Are they boyfriend and girlfriend? Who else are they going to hook up with? Here, rip my finger off.
I think he likes you girls.
So, now we'll go shopping.
Shopping? I like this.
These are cute.
Let me see.
Should we get some rings? Yeah.
These are cute.
Can we get this card? How bad are you hurting? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, Oh, my god.
Tell him to stop! Tell him to stop! It went too fast.
That is a bad bruise.
So, I guess it'll be worth it if it'll make you feel better.
Let's go to the cash register and settle up, and I'll see what we can do about getting what you want.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Since you're the sugar daddy, you're paying, right? I guess.
What?! I feel bad.
Well, I felt bad earlier.
Now I'm about to cry.
When we get back, we want to go in the pool.
I'm pretty easy when it comes to good-looking young women.
You're a southern gentleman.
Did you ever do any modeling? No.
Not for the public; just for my wives.
You know, running around naked with nothing on but a pair of chaps.
Your new name is dirty daddy, okay? Dirty daddy.
Will you please model the chaps for us? Bottomless with just the chaps, please? You sure about this? Yes, I'm positive.
Let me see if I can find them.
Well, it turns out that while working for a living might be tough Put on your tightest ones.
Working J.
O.
was pretty simple.
No, you can't! Miss Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks I get the feeling that you don't really give a Let's see.
I'll do a quick glimpse, now.
Okay.
That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
This season on The Simple Life: Nicole! Welcome to our home.
We just want to go over a few simple rules.
I hate this house.
Everyone needs to pull over.
My boobs look huge in this.
Look at miss fancypants.
If you call me dumb one more time, I will beat your face in, so watch your (bleep) mouth.
This is not how I wanted to wake up.
What do you want to play first? Dress up.
Oh, my gosh.
Relax, you won't feel a thing.
I have nine tattoos, and I've never been in this much pain.
What the hell are y'all doing? Making sausages.
Lunch is ready.
It was nice meeting you.
Are you wearing a cup? You're out of here! I have no license.
That's a second degree misdemeanor.
What's that mean? That means you can go to jail.
Shut up !