The Simpsons s02e01 Episode Script

Bart, no more interruptions during Martin's book report.
Never have I seen a more noble thing than you, brother.
I do not care who kills who.
To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to make love to a woman.
To live.
I thank you.
Oh, absolutely brilliant! I truly believed you were Hemingway.
Bravo, Martin.
-Call me Papa.
-Some ketchup for your buns, Papa? We have time for one more report.
Bart Simpson? Is your book report ready? Is it ready? What a question! Students, prepare to be dazzled.
The name of the book that I read was Treasure Island.
It's about these pirates with patches over their eyes and shiny gold teeth.
And green birds on their shoulders.
Did I mention it was written by Robert Louis Stevenson? And published by McGraw-Hill.
So in conclusion, on a scale of 1 to 10 10 being the highest, 1 the lowest, and 5 average, I give it a 9.
Questions? No? Then I'll sit down.
Did you read the book? I'm insulted.
Is this a book report or a witch hunt? Then perhaps you'll tell us the name of the pirate.
Blackbeard, Captain Nemo, Captain Hook, Bluebeard.
-Bluebeard? -Sit down.
I'll see you after class.
Your grades have gotten worse.
-Did you know that? -Yes, ma'am.
-Did you know there's a test tomorrow? -Yes, ma'am.
-Blah, blah, blah, blah.
-Yes, ma'am.
-Blah, blah, blah.
-Yes, ma'am.
-You haven't been paying attention! -Yes, ma'am.
Then what did I say? -Straighten up and fly right? -Lucky guess.
Take that, granny! Hide! Deadly mothballs.
Granny's kissing me! You reached the level of ungrateful grandchild.
Try again, if you dare! A couple more games and I'll hit the books.
Soup's on! Hurry up, or it'll get that skin.
I hate that icky soup skin.
After dinner, it's down to business.
-Marge, get me another beer.
-Wait, Lisa has some news.
-He doesn't care, Mom.
-I do.
I want a beer while I'm caring.
Homer! Go ahead, Lisa.
I got an A on my vocabulary test.
You did! Well, that's just.
Oh, what a glorious day! Hand me your paper.
I'll put it on the refrigerator.
I might as well kill two birds with one stone.
You covered up my paper! Look at those funny little whiskers.
That reminds me.
It's Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie.
No, Dad, I should really-- Gorilla the Conqueror.
The granddaddy of them all.
Well, maybe just one more hour.
It's so unfair.
Just because he's different.
Time to hit the books.
Burning the candle at both ends, boy? All right, let's take care of some business.
"Chapter One: A Dream of Freedom.
" On September 15, 1620, separatists from the Church of England some living in Holland, left Plymouth, England.
"Their destination was.
" Marge, come take a look at this.
The little tiger tries so hard.
Why does he keep failing? Just a little dim, I guess.
Bart, you're gonna miss your bus.
Hey, Bart-dude.
You look freaked.
I got a test I'm not ready for.
Can you crash the bus? Sorry, I can't do it on purpose.
But maybe you'll get lucky.
Okay, don't panic.
Find an egghead and pump him for some answers.
I bet he didn't study again.
-Now he'll try to get answers from us.
-He's pathetic.
-Morning, girls.
-Good morning, Bart.
Who's up for a cram session? I'll go first.
-Name the pilgrim's boat.
-The Spirit of St.
Louis.
-Where'd they land? -Sunny Acapulco.
-Why'd they leave England? -Giant rats.
Cool, history's coming alive.
I don't know why I should care but the information that you just received is erroneous.
You're saying-- A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has more chances than you.
Thanks for the pep talk.
All right, take one and pass the rest back.
Think, Simpson! Crisis brings out the best in you.
-What is it, Bart? -Nothing.
Must.
Take.
Test.
-What's the matter, son? -Stabbing pains in my stomach.
Oh, dear, I've heard of this.
-Do you feel pain in your arm? -Both arms.
-Temporary loss of vision? -Who said that? Come closer.
Yes, dear? Maybe one more dish.
Make it cappuccino chocolate fudge.
Your third bowl.
I think you're on the mend.
Anything else I can get you? -Perhaps the TV? -Of course.
Homer! What? Bring the TV up.
Bart's got his vision back! I wish I had amoria phlebitis.
-I know you're faking it.
-Keep your mouth shut.
-You'll still fail that test.
-I've got my bases covered.
Milhouse, what'd I miss today? Richard laughed milk through his nose.
What about that history test? Piece of cake? What'd you get for number one? Number two? Yeah, that sounds right.
Here you go, Mrs.
Krabappel.
You'll be pleasantly surprised.
This test is worse than Milhouse's! Bart, I warned you.
This is the final straw! You know our district psychiatrist, Dr.
J.
Loren Pryor.
Hey, Dr.
J.
This is a classic case of what laymen refer to as "fear of failure.
" Bart is an underachiever, yet he seems to be.
How should I put this? Proud of it.
One of his problems is a short attention span.
Blah, blah, blah.
Bart failed his last four exams.
Is there anything you haven't told us? Everyone else in the class has shown some improvement.
-Yet you continue to struggle.
Why? -I don't know.
Look at these results: 55, 42, 26.
A 12 on state capitals! Why are we dancing around the obvious? We all know it.
I'm dumb as a post.
-Think I'm happy? -You're just a late bloomer.
It isn't that simple.
As emotionally crippling as it may be, my recommendation is for Bart to repeat the fourth grade.
-You can't! I'll do better! -That'll be the day.
Maybe it would help him to be left back.
It won't be so bad.
You can't hold me back.
I swear I'll do better.
Look in my eyes.
See the sincerity? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade! If not, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.
Get off the bus and forever hold your peace, little dudes.
Otto, I respect you.
You let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus.
Damn thing never goes over, does it? So what's in your head? I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
They'll hold me back if I don't shape up.
That's it? Relax, man.
It could be the best thing to happen to you.
I got held back in the fourth grade.
Twice.
And look at me, man.
Now I drive the school bus! My recommendation is for Bart to repeat the fourth grade.
All right, class, the topic is world literature.
What was the pirate's name in Treasure Island, Bart Simpson? I got a peptic ulcer, my wife wants a new car and I need a root canal.
-Quit bugging me about the pirate.
-Long John Silver, Dad.
I heard that, Bart Jr.
I want to see both of you after class.
Thanks a lot, son.
Yo, little help! I said little help.
Throw me the ball, Poindexter.
I'm sorry, Bart.
I don't know the rules of your sport.
I didn't want to interfere with a ball in play.
Back to the forecastle of the Pequod.
-Hey, Martin.
-I have nothing of value.
Help me get a passing grade.
You need someone's help, but I don't know why that someone should be me.
I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you.
They laugh at me? I'd always considered myself rather popular.
You're not.
Watch.
My speed with numbers, my years as a hall monitor my prize-winning dioramas, they mean nothing to them? Perhaps another demonstration.
-Very well, you've made your point.
-Then it's a deal? Yes.
-Let's have a look at your study area.
-Study area? Your sanctuary from the frenzy of modern life.
There's a desk under that junk.
No, this won't do at all.
We have to clean up this room.
And we'll need a fern.
No room is complete without plant life.
No.
Geeks sit in the front.
From now on, you sit in the back row.
That goes for school and church too.
-Why? -So no one can see what you're doing.
I understand.
Mischief varies inversely with proximity to the authority figure.
Yeah, but don't say it like that.
Soon you'll be ready to try it with a real book.
Pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory was such a thrill! The screams, the humiliation, the fact that it wasn't me! -I've never felt so alive.
-Now, the test is tomorrow-- Who cares about some test? Life's too short! I thought we had a deal.
The old Martin no longer exists.
Come on, fellows, to the arcade! Cool, Martin! Martin! Martin! Martin! -Bart, it's past your bedtime.
-Okay.
This is hopeless.
This is the end of the road.
I haven't always been a good kid.
But if I go to school tomorrow, I'll fail and be held back.
I need one more day to study, Lord.
I need your help.
Prayer, the last refuge of a scoundrel.
A teacher strike, a power failure.
Anything that'll cancel school.
I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, you can.
Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson.
Wake up, Bart.
Rise and shine, little guy.
Oh, no.
Wake up and look at the snow.
Whoa! Good morning, world! It's the Bill and Marty Show.
-He's Bill.
-He's Marty.
We can't get enough of each other.
We've got snow-formation for you flake lovers.
The gas and water plants are closed.
And the nuclear power plant.
That's closed too.
All right! Now, for all you youngsters, here it is.
Springfield county schools are-- Oh, I'm too excited! Springfield schools will be closed! All right! Come back, you're supposed to eat breakfast! Cowabunga! Remember to take a break if your arms go numb! Last night, you prayed for this.
Now your prayers have been answered.
I don't know who or what God is exactly.
But he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together.
And you owe him big.
You're right.
I asked for a miracle, and I got it.
I gotta study.
I'm not missing anything.
Frozen ears.
Trudging up that stupid sled hill over and over.
How good could it be? I haven't had this much fun in years.
Gotcha, Burnsie.
I was never one to back away from a snowball fight.
-Smithers, fire at will.
-Certainly.
I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day the funnest day in the history of Springfield! Gotta study, gotta study! "Four Days in Philadelphia.
" The first Congress faced a difficult job.
"Could they make decisions that Americans could support?" We hold these truths to be self-evident.
We hold these truths to be self-evident.
That all men are created equal.
That from that equal creation, they derive rights-- Look, everybody! It's snowing! -In the middle of July? -It's a miracle.
I've invented something fun.
The sled.
Look, John Hancock's writing his name in the snow! Do you want to be held back a grade? Concentrate, man! Later, Mrs.
K.
Please turn in your exam, Bart.
Class is over.
-Could you grade it now? -Well, all right.
Let me get Old Red.
It's a 59.
That's another F.
Oh, no, I can't believe it.
I know.
Another year together.
It's gonna be hell.
What's the matter? I thought you'd be used to failing.
No, you don't understand.
I tried this time.
I really tried.
There, there.
This is as good as I can do, and I still failed.
Well, a 59.
It's a high F.
Who am I kidding? I really am a failure.
Now I know how Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity in 1754.
You know, 1754.
The famous defeat to the French.
-My God, Bart, you're right! -So? You demonstrated applied knowledge.
Such an obscure reference deserves an extra point.
It's only fair.
-You mean I passed? -Just barely.
I passed.
I got a D minus! I passed! All right! I passed! I passed! I passed! I got a D minus! I got a D minus! I passed! I got a D minus! I passed! l-- Kissed the teacher?! We're proud of you.
Thanks, Dad, but part of this D minus belongs to God.