The Sopranos s02e01 Episode Script

Okay, listen up.
This is the nasd series seven stockbroker's exam.
It will test your basic knowledge of stocks, bonds, and other securities.
If your last name starts with a through l, you should be next door.
The exam is in two parts, each part is three hours long.
There will be a one hour break.
As i call your name, please answer,"here".
Martin, samantha.
Here.
Mcclure, peter.
Here.
Moltisanti, christopher.
Here.
Tony ton'! Jesus christ! Talk to you? Where the fuck you been? We're gonna talk here.
Come into the house.
I got your word if i walk in there, i'm walking back out.
I don't see you for all this time, no word, nothing.
And this is the way you come back to me? Do i got your word? Coffee? No.
You look good.
Tan.
Yeah, right.
The tan ghost.
You're a good guy, tony, but you abuse that joke shit.
What do you go t to say to me? I'm back, tony, i'm tan.
I'm in a fucking tan nightmare what do you think, i'm stupid? I don't know it, when every fuckin' one of my friends turns their hearts to stone against me, fuck! Easy, okay.
I don't think you're stupid.
There was a fuckin' rat.
So, you finger me? You think i didn't realize what was going on when you come to my house, three o'clock in the afternoon, telling me you're my friend.
That's when i knew i was in trouble, anthony.
When outta the blue, you come, and for no reason, you start telling me you're my friend.
Oh, is that right? Anthony jr.
, get up! You owe me the fuckin' explanation, and you know what i'm talking about.
Well, remind me, tony, never to get sick again, huh? Remind me, please, never to have a serious illness, because, with you, and silvio, and paulie, and all you pricks, weakness could spread as fuckin' treason! You know what? Fuck you! I don't wanna hear about your fucking back anymore! Who's your fucking boss, huh? Who's your fucking boss? Who gets the explanation? What, am i supposed to trust you? You- fuckin'- off- the reservation- cocksucker! It was a broad, tony, it was complicated.
My back was for shit, you knew that.
I don't wanna fuckin' hear anymore about your back! That's how we met.
That's why i was popping percosets like freaking jujubes! Anyway, my doctor, he prescribes this clinic for me, in puerto rico.
I didn't exactly object, tony, given the fuckin' vibes around here.
Go ahead, check.
You don't tell your wife you're in the hospital? That twat brought on most of this.
How? Listen, down there, i met this girl.
It was the only thing that fuckin' really helped with my sciatic nerve.
Anyway, one thing lead to another.
You can't send one feeler to me? I'm gonna trust you, paulie? Take the word of a degenerate cop over me? Tony, who are you talking to down there? Jesus! So, why'd you come back, huh? What changed? Nothing changed, that's the problem.
I still got two kids in college, tony.
One just got married, needs my help.
I gotta start earnin' again.
I gotta get my action back.
Oh, just like that? I came to you, tony, i'm in your hands.
Bring up two cases of bottled water with you! Come here.
Come here, you fat fuck.
Hey, my back, hey.
I still gotta get these freaking shots.
You fuckin' beached whale.
Hey, you wanna pat this down, too? Come here.
Come on.
Don't you ever pull shit like this again.
So your uncle's under indictment? Who stepped up to run his crew? His piss boy, philly parisi.
Oh, yeah, philly.
Philly, don't forget the pastries! That's my favorite bag, don't lose it.
Yo, philly.
Were you waiting long? Not bad.
We were late landing, anyhow.
Hey, thanks for doing this, philly.
Coming off the lam , every nickel counts.
These fuckin' cabs.
So how's boston? Well, it was good to be back for a while, then, you know.
Do i? That place is scranton, with clams.
So, what's been going on? Same tale of woe.
What the hell do i hear about tony soprano and his mother? Some kind of accident? He had her in a nursing home, you know? Get the fuck out of here.
And this, upse t junior, no end.
And when junio r come after him, tony went to the home, and tried to suffocate his own mother.
Maybe you shouldn't spread that rumor.
That's some ugly shit.
I'm only telling you.
Listen, you'd be fuckin' amazed.
There's more? Ehh no, what? He was seeing a psychiatrist.
Tony? Fuckin' broad from montclair.
Anyway, this, is who leads us now.
There you go, kid.
There you go, you big mouth fuck! It's done.
Maybe she's seeing someone.
You know, the way i see you.
If she were, she'd never tell me.
I'm afraid we'll have to stop now.
When's your office going to be finished? Oh, my new carpet's not in yet.
I'm sorry, i know this is awkward.
My old therapist used to work out of his home.
That's not convenient for me.
Yes? It's all over, it' s safe to go home now.
How did you get this phone number? Where are you calling me from? Are you watching me? You know, from what you told me, webistics would be perfect for your portfolio.
I understand you're on a fixed income, but, with webistics, you could triple your money in a year.
Uh- huh, yeah, What time is it? So,"e.
F.
", i'm listening.
It's fuckin' tedious, this shit.
Well, you are the boss.
And if it's your executive decision to go down the shore, fuck it.
Yeah.
Yo, matthew.
I gotta take a meeting keep things in control here.
Word up, later chief.
I really shouldn't be telling you this.
The company's webistics.
It's the next yahoo right now.
We're really only selling it to prefrred clients.
Yeah, american forestry, a very sound company.
Uh- huh.
Well, it depends o n whether you wanna go for growth or value.
We got hundred s of mutual funds you can choose from.
Ahh! You're supposed to push webistics! I was giving them alternatives.
Webistics is our pick of the week.
Why, it's got a three million float, and their technology's two years behind.
Your stock's a dog.
Ahh! Hey, stop that! Hey, i'm still the manager here, this is unacceptable.
Where's moltisanti? I'm gonna make a call if you don't think i know who really runs this operation.
Get back in your fuckin' office.
Anybody else got a problem with webistics? Tony hey, counselor, how are you? How are you? Good.
You look good, huh? Have a seat.
You want a drink? No.
Before we commence, a thousand thank yous for webistics.
I sold off some of my disney to buy it.
My pleasure.
So, where do we stand this month? Your uncle's petitioning to get out of jail on a medical pending trial.
Let him.
Neil thinks they're liable to let him out.
Maybe as a temptation for you to act, again.
Since you are at the helm, it all gets back to putting up bigger blinds.
Really limiting your exposure to potential rico boo- boos.
The only way to run a family these days is bunker style.
You peer out through the slit.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
You're not gonna believe this.
Your sister's here.
Barbara? Nope, janice.
You're shitting me.
Nope.
I wonder what the scam is this time.
Whatever it is, i'm gonna be five grand lighter before she raindances back to the commune.
Alright, tell her she can stay with us if she wants.
Are you sure? Yeah.
We'll get barbara and tom and the kids, and we'll make a family reunion out of it.
But obviously your mother isn't welcome.
Give janice my love.
See you later.
My sister's here from seattle.
Nice.
Where is he? Let me pinch those bulldog cheeks.
Come over here.
Puerto rico? Yeah.
That water down there you think you woulda shit some of this weight off! Did you tell him we were about to start crabbin' the hackensack river looking for him? What the fuck's the matter with you? Tony explained it.
Listen to this.
You heard abou t jimmy altieri? Yeah, flipped, fuckin' asshole.
He had two assholes when they buried him.
So, all my money that was on the street, all those payments, i guess, just evaporated.
We made your pick- ups, they're ready and waiting for you.
Thanks, paulie.
I mean that, no shit.
All those pricks paid up to the letter? A few things got lost in the confusion.
I'm sure you could picture.
We did the best we could with the information we had.
The boss of the family deserves the credit right here.
Salut.
Salut.
Salut.
Salut.
Hey, sil? What? "What.
" I've been gone a long time, let me hear it.
"Just when they thought i was out, "they pull me back in.
"Alright, just this one time.
I'll let you ask m e about my affairs.
" "Is it true, michael?" "No.
" "You fuck!" "Our true enemy, has yet to reveal himself.
" He's on a roll! I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Oh, tony, i hate to ruin the party.
I got a call from loiaco down at brokerage.
Fuckin' chip and dale sent one the brokers to the emergency room.
Oh, fuck me, these kids! My fuckin' nephew, right? You call him, and you tell him i wanna see him right away.
It all checks out.
Puerto rico, the clinic.
All that shit from what i can tell.
How was the guest bed, did you sleep alright? Great.
Except, usually i bring my own pillow, ergonomic, it got ripped off at the bus stop in rapid city.
Linoleum's not good enough for you to sleep on no more? Look who decides to join us, my little brother.
How you doing, jan? Parvati.
I'm her brother, i get a pass.
You look good, you look like a teenager.
My therapist says i'm regressing.
Oh, your therapist, who pays for that? The state of washington.
Total disability.
Oh, yeah, the epstein- barr.
Was.
Chronic carpel tunnel from my last job, the steam milk machine.
No worse pain.
Hey, i stayed up waiting for you, when'd you get in? Late, morning.
What the fuck is that smell? Miso soup, it's seaweed.
She's been telling us all about seattle.
If i see those grunge pants on you, you'll be on the ground looking up.
Dad, how do you stay so hip? I'll be back in a sec.
And don't let your father near my soup.
He makes fun, but before noon, he'll eat anything that's not locked away.
You don't see your sister for years, right away you start in on her diet? Hey, believe me, she gives as good as she gets.
Give me a hit off that.
Oh, who's in charge here? You look sensational, janice, really.
Not a line.
Two beautiful kids , you must be proud.
Yeah, yeah, how'bout that, huh? Even with our genes.
So, you still with that, uh, adolph? Rolf.
No.
Rolf went back to andorra.
You seem good, mood- wise.
Yeah, things are very good nowadays.
So, how are things really, with ma? She's dead to me.
I don't wanna get in your way here, tony.
You're the one who stayed, you took the brunt.
Barbara and i, we're never gonna forget that.
Well, you forgot it okay for about 20 years.
At least barb pitched in.
I know i made my share of mistakes.
But, ma can't stay in the hospital forever.
Let me tell you something about this stroke of hers, and i got this from a doctor.
It's called a conversion reaction.
It's a big fuckin' opera brought on by repressed rage.
It's bullshit.
There was no infarc- whatever- the- fuck.
But they also said the symptoms are the same as a stroke, so the results is the same, she cannot take care of herself.
She's on the lam in that fuckin' hospital, from me.
Well, who did what to who, it's not my business.
All i know is mom is bewildered by all of this.
I mention you, her eyes fill up with tears.
Oh, boy.
I'm not asking you to step in, tony.
It's my turn now, that's why i came.
She's a streg', she's the devil.
She was.
Now, she's just a confused, frightened, old woman.
So, look, all i need is a couple hundred bucks.
To fix her car so i can get back and forth to the hospital.
Then i'll take her home to seattle.
Maybe, stay at her house here temporarily.
Oh, i doubt that.
I just put her house on the market.
Oh.
Look i'm glad you're here, okay? You wanna play florence nightingale, that's your choice.
Only this is the last time we mention her in this house.
Okay.
Hey, t! Seven and seven over here.
Whoa, whoa, what's the matter now? What's the matter? I got a call from loiaco down at the brokerage.
Your two friends beat the shit out of a broker.
Two others quit.
The guy was pushing some other stock.
It attracts negative attention.
Then the two fucks rip off a porsche carrera from our own building.
I'll call them.
No, you'll go down there, now.
What did you get your license for, christopher, your resume, huh? I've been telling you, spend more time down at the brokerage.
You're the fuckin' sce compliance officer for christ's sake.
You gotta exercise impulse control.
Okay, tony.
I'm sorry.
Okay, alright.
I can't show it in this condition.
What the hell is this? There's a high school up the street.
A sink was left on upstairs.
You don't even wanna see the toilets.
Excuse me.
Wait until i catch the kids who did this.
Break a few windows, they think they're johnny bad- ass the fuckin' jackals.
Will you stop, please? Your sister barbara and the kids are coming down.
You better not be in this mood.
And i need you to pick up sausage.
Yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet? Don't you act like it's a chore.
This party was your idea.
You said you were happy janice was home.
And my parents are coming.
Oh, really? What, now that the dragon lady's gone, they'll step foot in our house? She said some horrible things to them over the years.
I'm not defending her, she's dead to me.
I'm telling you, you mope your way through this, i will cut your throat.
What are you talking about, mope? I've been in a great mood lately.
Right.
I think you need t o start therapy again.
You're self medicating , we haven't had sex in-- forget it, no therapy.
You really should take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom.
They're rookies, they're young guys, they're not used to this kinda of stress, so, they get impulsive he better not say one fuckin' word.
you got my word on that.
I appreciate it, chris, thank you.
Come on in.
Hey, chris, brough t you a little capp'.
Thanks.
Sit down.
Refresh my memory abou t this play we're making on webistics.
We own 400, 000 shares.
Trade on the bulletin board, otc.
If we cold- call enough senior citizens, pump and dump.
Yeah, listen, you guys ain't spent much time in the nfl, let's face it.
What the fuck you talkin' about? Two years with eddie stakes.
Besides waxing eddie's car.
When he did the jolt in county-- then you know when you're bleedin' a guy, you don't squeeze him dry right away.
Contrarily, you let him do his bidding, suavely.
So, you can bleed him next week and the week after, at a minimum.
You mean, we don't need one of these guys getting pissed and running to the sce.
I mean, is that what you're saying? Break it down.
Sorry, chris.
Webistics is at 80, when are we dumping the stock? You'll know that when you need to know that.
Excellent.
This is cold, by the way.
Guys anymore porsches disappear, make it two towns over, and i want a taste.
You're the man.
Grandma's gonna be so happy to see you.
Grandma, it's me.
Look who's here.
Ma, i'm going downstairs.
You spend the whole day on that elevator.
Grandma, you've gotta eat.
Let me die.
Don't say that.
I saw a light, there were voices calling out to me.
Grandma, what went on between you and dad? Mom won't tell me anything.
What, why, what did he say? Nothing, he won't mention you at all.
Oh, that one.
He blames me for everything.
I know, me too.
At night, they hit us.
Why can't this family just get along? Some peopl e don't wanna.
But you, you listen to him.
You do what he says.
He's your father.
I won't let them leave you here like this.
They can't stop me from seeing you.
Meadow, meadow, take that.
In the drawer.
In the drawer, take it.
Oh, my god.
This was your grandmother's, wasn't it? It's so you won't forget me.
Come on, motherfuck! Motherfuck! fuck i told my family i got broadsided, but, i passed out behind the wheel.
See, my mother and me, we had a fallin' out.
And, since then, things have been good.
Clean break.
What kind of falling out? One of those unfortunate situations.
A lot of screaming.
Profanity.
Anyway, things were good.
And then my sister came back.
It's good to see her, i guess.
Cues from childhood kick in, older sister.
That should be obvious enough.
Yeah, but those feelings are starting to bleed into my business.
What sort of business are you in? Commercial waste.
Mr.
Spears, i watch the news, like everyone else.
I know who you are, and i saw "analyze this".
I don't need the ramifications that could arise from treating someone like yourself.
"Analyze this"? Come on, it's a fuckin' comedy.
I'm not taking new patients right now.
Oh, my baby sister! Oh, you look great.
Who is thi s little guy? Traffic was terrible.
Keep it down out there, you'll scare the neighbors.
Fuck! Carm, tony says the fire's almost ready.
Great, par', i'll be out in a second.
Parvati, she's a cheese now? It's a hindu goddess.
Nice for her.
She still answers to janice, ma, if it makes you more comfortable.
Hugo, go t o the market, pick up a couple of cans of pears.
Canned pears, not fresh.
That's the secret to my pound cake.
Get some basinigol ' while you're there.
The pears, you want the dole? I'm not even gonna answer this time.
There is a new market, dad, down on pompton pike.
A lot of changes since you've been here.
With that "mommy dearest" around never again, i swore it.
Which is exactly what she wanted.
You played right into her hands with that.
Remember what she said to you at your wedding? She said it was a mistake, tony would get bored with you.
Hey, take it easy! I love seeing them like that, over a fire.
They're better over a spit.
Who's anthony look like to you, right now? Dad.
We stopped in to see ma on the way over.
How do you think she is? Mom, a little weak, but, she's all there.
Some family reunion.
The woman who bore them all is barred from the premises.
I don't think you should get too close, janice, look what she tried to do to tony.
I have no fantasies about my mother.
You know, he's trying to sell the house? What house? Ma's house.
See, that's what i'm talking about.
Don't get involved , let tony handle it.
I only called you 'cause you're far away.
I thought you would wanna know if your mother was ill.
$180, 000 he's asking for that place.
Like he needs that.
Well, i'm glad someone's taking charge.
You'll get your cut.
Ma's not dead yet, and there's no will.
What? I mean, ma still has rights.
Tony pays for the retirement home, the upkeep on her car.
Hey, parvati, take it easy.
According to you, that coulda been robert mitchum.
Jesus christ, fuckin' paulie gaultieri.
Isn't he dead yet? You're not gonna stay for dessert? We got ben and jerry's, we got a pear grappa cake my mother made.
Yeah, i know, but my friends are havin' this gallery opening in chelsea.
I'm tryin' to get them to finance my video.
I'll leave some cake out for you.
Hey, i'm sorry.
Hey.
What's up? What the fuck? I'm sure there's an explanation.
There is, there is.
Take ma back to seattle.
She came here for the house, and a $400 car.
That was the con from the first.
That's the level she works at.
Maybe the sign was broken.
Maybe it fell down.
I'm still a little fat kid to her.
What does she think? She's gonna stop the house sale by picking up one fuckin' sign? If she were here i'd be bouncing her head against the wall! Look at yourself, tony.
Look at how angry you are! What do you care about that house? It's not gonna stop with the house.
The $300 pillow which we're gonna pay for.
The video equipment, which you already heard her talkin' about.
When are you getting back into therapy? Don't star t with that.
I'm not fuckin' insane, and i'm not overreactin', 'cause you don't know this wretched little! Alright, alright, this is getting you no place.
Go outside, join the party.
Be with your friends, have some pleasure.
Go ahead.
Fuckin' bitch.
Tony, go ahead, go have a beer.
What the fuck are you doing? Second seatin' coming up.
Fuckin' moron.
Look at my wife over there.
No wait, ton', the neighbor's st.
Bernard is on your property.
You're a fuckin' moron.
Anyway, we flew first class what service, forget about it.
Since when do you get frequent flier upgrades? The only time you ever took a trip was with that rockette that you claimed you were fuckin', and then she put lsd in your drink.
Where'd you get the tickets? The cuban? I always thought there was some way to divert frequent flier mileage on a grand scale.
To do that, yo u gotta break into the airline's main computer.
What do they call it, crackin'? Hackin'.
Shelley hack, remember her? You didn't like it? Fuck off.
So, when do we get to roll with tony? What? What, are you trippin'? We gotta work our way up, get introduced.
You must be deep, hangin' out with him.
Who? Mr.
T.
You's cap motherfuckers together? Nah, he's too big for that.
He doesn't get his nails dirty.
You tell him, we don't mind that shit.
We'll do anything.
Wet work, pick up his shirts.
Does tony ever talk about us? No.
You gonna drink or just sit there? Sit.
What the fuck is the matter with you? What's the matter? You leave my gas burner on? I almost lit a cigarette, i could have died.
I apologized.
Why you can't use a lighter to cook your shit like normal people is beyond me.
When everything was finally going good between us-- shut up about that! Why, they're still gonna kiss your ass.
They don't care if you're a junkie.
Sit down! I hate you, fuckin' pig, get off me.
You fuckin' whore.
Fuck you! That's it, go home, get my dinner ready! Don't yell, don't scream.
All cutlery stays right where it is.
How's the bagels in this place? Come on, you don't answer my calls, i got no choice.
Walking away is a choice.
Ruining my practice, it's a choice.
You got your office back, no harm done.
One of my patients committed suicide because i wasn't available to her.
You know what that means to me? She can't eat bagels, she can't call in sick because she's feeling blue, she's gone.
She's in the ground, because of you.
I don't deserve your help.
I hate your fuckin' system, i told you.
Fuck you.
But, i got a family, and believe it or not, they're better off with me than without me.
I don't know what else to do.
I drove off the road a couple days back.
You look fine.
The air bag.
You always told me if i was drivin'-- that was a different time for us.
Alright, i don't blame you.
Maybe you can recommend somebody else? I would never ask another colleague to get involved in this.
How many more people have to die for your personal growth? Look at me.
I swear, to jesus christ, nobody got killed because of you.
Get out of my life.
Hey.
What are you doing home at this hour? Nothing.
I thought it was a.
J.
, home from school.
Yeah.
You alright? Yeah.
Want a little cold past'? I can microwave it.
Looks good.
You want cheese? Something to drink? No.
Sit down.