The Upshaws (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[instrumental music playing]
I know the last few weeks have been crazy,
but this right here,
this is what's important.
As long as we have each other's backs,
can't nothing touch the Upshaws.
Come on, baby. Say that again.
'Cause you know I got your back,
- your top, your edges, your bottoms.
- [doorbell rings]
[Bennie] You know what I mean?
Is this where Bennie Upshaw lives?
Um, who's asking?
His daughter.
Nigga, really?
I was just about to start loving you.
All right, Bennie, your choice.
You can walk out of here on your own
or rolled up in one of these cheap rugs.
Regina, tell King to heel.
I can get a new rug.
Dang! Bye, Daddy.
Oh, no. This is some bullshit.
Little girl, who is your mother?
That's your first question?
And it ain't yours?
We can't make this little girl out to be a
lying ass ho. We need her momma for that.
Am I a ghetto twin too?
Hush, I'm trying to listen.
Y'all don't know when to leave a room?
Get your ass upstairs.
Thanks, Maya.
- We never get to see anything good.
- [siren blaring]
[vehicle approaching]
Cops? Uh-huh. It's worth the whoopin'.
Sit down, y'all.
Damn, po-po's here.
We haven't even killed him yet.
Somebody snitched.
Kelvin?
I swear I just texted my mom.
I gotta go. They on to me.
There you are.
Monique?
What are you doing here?
Look, right now is not a good time.
Sydney, how are you
just gonna run over here?
- But, Mommy
- [all] Mommy?
You knocked up Bernard's prom date?
You sick bastard.
This is your daughter?
Yes.
And also yours.
I have a daughter?
See, I told you! I was right.
I told you! Bennie Latrell Upshaw,
you are not the father.
Yeah, I told you. I told you.
I told the kids. I told you.
I definitely told you and I told you.
I've been telling you
our whole relationship.
Hold on, boy, I thought you was gay?
[vocalizing]
Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
Solid ♪
Monique, we spent
over an hour at the reunion
arguing about the Brandy and Monica battle
and you couldn't tell me I had a daughter?
It's a hard transition, bro.
And who picks Brandy?
[scoffs]
How do you let her show up at my door?
Not even my door, my parents' door.
And you almost got Bennie killed.
It wasn't supposed to go down like this.
After last night,
I wrote in my journal about us
and her little nosy ass read it.
Must have found your name online.
She's pretty smart. Just like her daddy.
Who's he?
Oh, right
[sighs] Why didn't you tell me
when it happened?
We were a thing and then
we slept together and you ghosted me.
After your number
became a Sherwin-Williams,
I got some paint
for the baby's room and kept it moving.
You could have at least given me a choice.
Look, you didn't even know who you were.
I didn't want to put this on you.
I have so many questions.
I don't even know what to ask first.
Ask her how she knows she's yours.
You gonna regret that.
- Tell me about my daughter.
- [Lucretia] We don't know that yet.
[instrumental music playing]
- I can't believe this shit.
- [exhales sharply] You?
I'm the one who can't believe this.
In fact, I won't believe it.
You did it.
Did what?
- What are we talking about?
- That shitty look you gave me.
[laughs sarcastically]
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Bernard is trying to make me a [inhales]
grandmother.
Shit. You better make time.
I've said sorry
enough to know when I'm owed one.
So you're seriously wondering
why I looked at you? [scoffs]
- Yeah.
- Yo bastard was sitting on my sofa.
Oh, watch your mouth. Okay?
That bastard is my son.
His name is Kelvin, okay?
You wanna sit here
and hurt my feelings about
Let's talk about kids. Kid for kid.
Let's talk about Maya.
- That's your kid too!
- I know. I just thought about that.
So, you and your feelings
'Cause they got hurt, but that's okay.
You know why? Because that's a scrape
compared to what you've done to mine.
No, that ain't no scrape.
And you want to bring up old stuff?
Let's talk about how you failed that GMAT.
Yeah!
Oh, that's the card you gonna play?
That's what you want to do now?
- [grunts] Trumped you!
- Oh, shit!
Yeah. It's getting old, Regina.
I'm tired of it.
[exhales sharply]
Ain't nothing old in here. Mm-mmm.
And especially not me.
That cannot be Bernard's kid. Mm-mmm.
'Cause I mean, look at me, huh?
I'm young as shit.
You got something
you want to say, like, "I'm sorry"?
Here's what I want to say
This is all too much.
- Yeah, okay
- What I'm saying is I need a drink.
[inhales deeply] But alcohol,
that ages you.
But wine has them retinols.
But did they prove that?
[inhales sharply]
Oh, shit, is my memory going?
When you're ready to apologize
[grunts] You know where I'll be
Granny.
[door slams]
Oof!
Girl, y'all are wearing me out.
I mean, it's a real tiny house
until you need to eavesdrop.
Like I'm supposed to know
that that little girl ain't his.
Right? I mean, we all thought it.
I mean, his bastard
is sitting on your sofa.
Thank you. That's what I said.
How this fool gonna get mad
at being accused of some shit
that he's actually done,
but just not this time?
Ooh.
That's your man.
[instrumental music playing]
So, the cane lady
is my mom's older sister.
She basically raised Bernard,
that's why he's her favorite.
But after all this, he probably
will fall off and I could come up.
Ha! You funny.
You know I'm next in line.
The cane lady seems mean.
Trust your instincts.
Okay. So let me see
if I got everything straight.
Well, your dad isn't.
That was in the journal.
Underlined.
So, old Bennie and the grumpy lady,
that's your parents,
and he is your dad
but you have a different mother,
but y'all the same age? [clicks tongue]
Well, when you put it like that,
we sound like trash.
I'm still trying to figure out
if Daddy lives with us again.
Maya.
He wasn't living here?
He's in the basement.
'Cause he stole our mom's money.
That's 'cause he gave my mom
an illegal car, then she hit a white guy.
Dang, we are trash.
[sighs] Thank God I did decide
to go to the reunion.
I might need a kidney one day.
She's a breech baby.
Those kidneys are mine.
I was talking to your mom, but, um
We'll get to know
each other very well soon.
How's that sound, Syd, my kid? [chuckles]
It's Sydney.
I told you she wouldn't like that.
Won't happen again.
All right, Sydney, let's go.
Oh! Y'all leaving?
Yeah. Sorry for dropping in like this.
Better nine years late than never.
[scoffs]
Ma.
Bernard, it's been
a long day for me, buddy.
I failed my test.
I almost killed your father.
I'm day drinking and it ain't even noon.
Well, okay, bye.
Come on, Sydney.
We need to talk about you and my journals.
I know. Your handwriting is atrocious.
Get your narrow behind in the car!
[sighs]
Am I a ghetto aunty now?
Well, we definitely ghetto.
Don't lump me in with y'all. I'm a Turner.
That's that Upshaw shit.
[instrumental music playing]
Don't give me a second chance.
I said don't give me a second chance!
I think you gotta do that one again.
That's not how we do it.
Why ain't nobody working?
Oh, hey, Bennie. Just catching up
on some paperwork.
- Yeah.
- Stop lying, K-Ci and JoJo.
I ain't got time for this shit today.
A little girl showed up
at my door looking for her daddy.
Come on, Bennie.
I'm all for playing the field, man,
but your shit ain't bacon,
it don't got to be in everything.
Yeah.
Well, it's Bernard's.
Gay Bernard?
Oh, that was insensitive.
Mm-mmm
So, wait a minute.
If it's not yours,
then what's the problem?
Well, Regina just assumed
that the kid was mine from the jump.
Of course she did.
If you see Tina with a black eye,
you know Ike did it.
[scoffs]
Now look, this might be
seven years of prison bitterness talking,
but you have done some questionable things
to those closest to you.
I meant me.
Yeah, that's why I'm standing over here.
- Yeah, we cool now.
- [Bennie] Exactly.
No matter how many times
me and Regina talk,
the first illegitimate kid that shows up
at the door, she's pointing fingers.
Mmm. Technically, it's the second.
Mmm Technically,
I only need one mechanic.
You right, boss. [exhales]
Regina trippin'.
No, you got to see it
from Regina's side too.
Like, in prison
there was this guy named Raymond.
He shanked me pretty good.
Then a couple weeks later,
I seen him in the yard.
And you beat his ass?
No, he shanked me again.
But that fifth time,
I remembered. [chuckles]
And I knocked his teeth out
with a 25-pound dumbbell.
Regina just trying
not to get shanked again.
Enough with the Shawshank stories.
Go find a grilled cheese
paper bag jail sandwich.
[muttering indistinctly]
- He always talking prison.
- Cooking up one right now.
What the hell?
[instrumental music playing]
Oh, this chamomile is hitting.
I am finally calming down.
- That makes one of us.
- Well, have some more.
[sighs softly]
[clears throat] I'm good.
What? A little hair of the dog.
You have to stop drinking for that.
Mmm. This is $32 champagne.
The cork was actually made of cork.
I still can't believe it.
I've had a daughter
out there for nine years.
[Lucretia] Allegedly.
What'd you say?
She said, "Allegedly."
Look, what I'm saying is
we don't know of anything for sure.
That's right. She is right, okay?
So, none of us
need to think that we're a grandma
until you take a paternity test.
I'm not taking a paternity test.
Oh, so you just dumb.
Oh, no, no, no. He's not dumb.
Oh, he's shook. Mm-hmm.
Well, that's why this young, hot MILF
is gonna take him
to the pharmacy to buy a test.
Oh, Regina, you can't MILF yourself.
Look, I appreciate
what y'all are coming from, okay?
But I trust Monique.
If Monique says she's mine, she's mine.
Oh, stop talking.
You can't know for sure.
Bernard, she could just be trying
to get some quick cash, okay?
Everybody knows
they're trying to defund the po-po.
My bedroom door is a curtain.
What money is she coming after?
Look, this is my daughter,
my decision and my life.
You know what?
You're right, sweetie. You are right.
Give me that DNA.
Ow!
That's not even how that works.
Look, I gotta start my shift.
I took off for that little party
that didn't happen.
Because I failed my test.
If you take a paternity test,
you'll fail too. We are failures.
Again, that's that Upshaw side.
No one's taking a paternity test.
[Regina scoffs]
Someone's taking a paternity test.
I don't know how.
That beard hair slipped
right through my fingers.
Hey, Bennie?
You working on your baby again?
Okay. I wish my girl looked at me the same
way you look at that car. [chuckles]
I'm lying. I just wish she looked at me.
You know, Tony, this is
the best relationship I ever had.
I treat her right.
Yeah, she appreciate it.
And she never accuses me
of having a side car.
[chuckles and mutters]
[Bernard] Hey, Tony, I got your package.
Ooh. I hope that's my yarn.
I mean, uh, my lady's yarn.
- I order bullets.
- Yeah, okay.
[vocalizes gunshot]
Congratulations, Bernard!
We heard the news, man.
Yeah, man.
Having children is a blessing from God.
Till you have to
cut them in half. Solomon.
Yeah, I'm still processing.
Yeah. She sleeping through the night?
I hope so. She's nine.
You know, all day you deliver packages.
This morning
someone dropped one off to you.
[laughter]
How long you been sitting on that one?
Since I heard you
was the daddy and not me.
Yeah, but I'm happy for you, man.
You want me to teach you
how to be a good father?
Don't you have to be a good father first?
I thought we already done that
after you swung on me?
Swung on? I connected.
Yeah, and I let you. [sighs]
Man, let's take a look at the little girl.
You got any pictures?
- Yeah, man. Let me see my grandbaby, man.
- Yeah, man.
I couldn't see how cute she was
'cause I was too busy
thinking about how to fake a stroke.
Uh, that's the back of her head.
I only thought about
taking the picture as she was leaving.
But you see that right there?
- That's that Upshaw curl right there.
- Ah! Uh-huh! Okay!
So y'all see it?
Can somebody tell my mama that?
Her and Aunt Lucretia want me to
take a paternity test, but I told them no.
That ain't gonna never end
'cause your mama's crazy
and your Aunt Lucretia got
nothing else to do with her life.
Oh, so, you want me
to take the test too, huh?
No.
Man, I want you to be your own man.
I got you, son. I'm with you.
Thanks, Pop. All right, fellas.
- All right, Bernard.
- Bye, Bernard.
- Oh, man, he's in a hard situation.
- Yeah.
[chuckling] Yeah, I've been there.
[exhales sharply]
Really?
No one's even gonna ask?
Well, I'll tell you anyway.
I was in a similar paternity situation,
but she didn't want to give me a test.
She said she wanted a better life
for the kid and I can't blame her.
Now, she says it's not mine,
but I swear he's the Blackest Hungarian
I've ever seen.
You know what? Tony's story gave me
time to think about something else.
We should go to the casino.
I'm trying to share with you, man.
But, yeah, I am feeling lucky.
If Regina gonna be on my ass,
it might as well be
for something that I did.
Okay, all right. Yeah.
Let me tell my girl I'll be working late.
[laughs]
I'm sitting bitch!
[instrumental music playing]
[sighs] I don't know about this, Cree.
Just showing up at Monique's.
Is this right?
Well, let's talk it over, Grandma.
You know what? That's your last one.
Get your finger out of my face, Mee-maw.
Oh, shit, she's got a Ring.
Ugh! You think she heard us?
Every word.
Let me guess, you want a paternity test?
Yes, we do.
We just want to be certain.
So, Bernard wants this too?
Kind of.
Then why isn't he here?
Why are you so sure it's Bernard's?
I was 17. How many men did I sleep with?
[scoffs] Well, if you don't know
[scoffs]
It was one.
All right, look, Monique,
we are not trying to
cause trouble in your life, okay?
Come on. You dropped a bomb on me.
On Bernard.
Hey, I offered him one and he said no.
But if you wanna go
against your son's wishes,
getting all up in our business,
then please, by all means, come on in.
[sighs]
So, is this a shoes on or off situation?
[instrumental music playing]
Secondhand smoke and no clocks.
That's just what I needed, fellas.
Let's lose some money.
Yeah, I'm already going hard.
I got diet and regular.
[laughter]
Hey. New shooter.
[cell phone ringing]
[sighs]
Oh, shit!
My girl's trying to FaceTime me.
I'll be right back.
I just gotta run to the parking lot
and get under a car.
I swear, I think
that woman is beating him.
Come on.
[blows sharply]
Regina needs a new attitude.
Regina needs a new attitude.
The Internet says we can compare
Sydney's sample
to a sample from a grandparent.
Well, I don't see one of those.
Regina, get out your feelings.
And as I recollect,
when you made Mama a grandma,
she was younger than you.
Well, what are you, ancestry-dot-bitch?
You won't be the first grandma
I slapped the shit out of.
Just give me the damn swab.
And when Bennie gets home,
we'll do him too.
It says the grandparent test
is 80% accurate.
Eighty? Oh, no. Hell no.
I'mma need 100%. All right?
I mean, shit,
Thomas Jefferson made us all 80.
The one that's 100% is Bernard's mouth,
and he ain't opening it.
Other than to tell us
to mind our business.
We've been talking.
So?
We'll be brief. Aaliyah?
We want to know who our daddy is.
Oh, this is not gonna end well.
You know who your daddy is.
Do we?
Kids keep popping up,
and for our peace of mind
we want access to our birth certificates.
Okay.
Lean in.
Let me show you where
I keep them on the back of my hand!
- I'm good.
- I want to see.
No, you do not. Have a good evening.
[sighs] I wish Bernard were that easy.
He could be if you would step up.
We had a whole conversation.
Well, see, that's the problem right there.
This isn't the time to be conversating.
You his mom.
You need to lay down the law.
Yeah, I I will lay down the law.
[whispers] Shh. Don't wake him.
[whispers] Did he paint that accent wall?
That's not in his lease.
Lucretia. Can I introduce you
to some bigger fish?
My bad.
Just wish he'd ask permission first.
I hate when family takes advantage.
Let's just swab him before he wakes up.
Good thing he sleeps with his mouth open.
That's probably why
he has that raspy voice.
- Give me that.
- Okay.
[Bernard shifts]
- Careful. Careful!
- I get it. I have a plan.
[loudly] Bernard!
What the hell are you doing?
Did it. Done. Good night.
DId y'all just swab me?
No, I did. Your mother was useless.
Monique told me what y'all did.
What part of, "I don't need
a paternity test," do you not get?
Bernard, you are still a child.
No. No, I am not.
Well, you are my child.
You don't know what you're doing
not taking this test.
Bennie took a test
when you were pregnant with me?
Oh, hell no.
But he was my boyfriend. We were together.
Well, Monique and I were together
and I really cared about her.
Look, I was wrong. Okay?
I ghosted her back then.
That doesn't make her a liar.
She might have wanted to tell me.
Is that why you made us
get a new phone number?
You owe me a $45 change fee.
I missed nine years.
I'm not missing another day.
The way Bennie trusted you,
I trust Monique.
Shit. I trust Monique
more than I trust Bennie.
Are you sure?
Yes, 100%.
I mean, for real, for real? Sure, sure?
Mom.
- Okay.
- [sighs softly]
I get it.
It's not about me.
[smacks lips] As long as you're sure
and as long as you're good.
I'd be better if I can get back to sleep.
[Bernard sighs]
Are y'all crazy? Give me that swab.
Just Let's just leave it.
Fine.
But I'll be back
to talk about that accent wall.
[instrumental music playing]
- Hey.
- Hey.
What you writing?
I'm writing a list of names
that Sydney can call me
- that don't make me want to drink bleach.
- [chuckles]
Best one I have is Ree-Ree.
You've been trying to
get that one going since high school.
Well, this is my chance.
I always wanted to be Pappy. [chuckles]
[scoffs] Yeah, I can see you as Pappy.
Why do you smell like a casino?
'Cause I've been to the casino.
No surprise there.
Figured you would act out from earlier.
So how much did you lose?
Nothing. I didn't gamble.
Yeah, right. What, you going to close
your eyes at the strip club too?
I knew you wouldn't believe me.
That's why I got Duck. Duck, tell 'em.
He ain't gamble.
- Beat it, Duck.
- But you drove.
Beat it, Duck.
I guess we hoofing it, Tony.
How you doing, Regina?
[door closes]
Okay. What the hell are we right now?
Sex at night? We fight in the morning?
[exhales]
I think you got more side kids.
You walking out. [scoffs]
God, how did we get here?
I don't know.
But I don't like it.
I was pissed the way you looked at me
after we had that talk the other night,
but I figured if I rolled the dice,
I'd just be doing
the same thing I always do.
I don't want to go back in that basement.
I don't want you back in the basement.
I liked last night.
You did.
I broke you off good
when I pulled your leg up
I was talking about
our emotional connection, jackass.
Oh, yeah.
But you're not wrong.
So, how do we not do this?
Just don't do it.
- That's my Ree-Ree.
- [chuckles]
That's my man. Knowing me.
Man.
I can't believe Bernard got a kid.
I'm told I have to believe it.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
Be honest.
Is him being gay easier for you
now that he's got a baby mama?
Not if it's wrong for feeling it.
I like that he's a father.
Who knows if he'll find a good dude
and have to pay
some white lady to have their baby.
Maybe it's his only shot.
You keep surprising me. [chuckles]
You surprised me when you told me
you was pregnant with Bernard.
[chuckles]
Why did you have to
break the news at the Hardee's?
I was on a shift break.
[both laughing]
I remember the look on your face.
That's 'cause you
charged me for them fries.
- We weren't nothing but 16.
- Mmm.
- Those kids have come a long way.
- Yeah.
Damn long way.
Their baby has a baby.
And she's cute too. I love her.
Oh. Hell yeah, she's cute.
Word on the street is her Ree-Ree is fine.
Yeah, and the street's ain't lying.
I love you, baby.
I love you too.
Hey, Regina, babe.
Just, uh, finishing up here at the shop.
Be home soon.
Yeah, I can bring milk.
Love you, babe.
Sorry about that.
So, where were we?
[theme music playing]