The Venture Bros (2003) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Brother and sister, together we'll make it through Someday a spirit will lift you and take you there I know you've been hurtin' But I'll be there waitin' to be there for you And I'll be there just helpin' you out whenever I can 'Cause Everybody's free to feel good Everybody's free to feel good Everybody's free Everybody's free No! No! I don't want to go back! I'm not done finding myself.
- You gotta! - No! Please, Brock.
I feel amazing! I never want the night to end.
You can't run away from your life forever, Doc! This is my life now, mom.
Deal with it! You got responsibilities at home.
The bills are stacking up and you have to deal with what happened to the boys.
Screw the boys! I want to stay here with my new family and their feel-good candy.
- You've had your fun, Doc, it's time.
- No, Brock.
No! This is Sky.
We're going to have a child! Please! But we're the Venture brothers! Shouldn't we work together? What does it take to get rid of you, you parasite? Tweezers and a match? I give you life, I give you half my stuff, I gave you the X-2 for God sake! What more do you want?! My blood? Here! Take it! Take my blood! Or better yet, just climb right on back inside me! Go on! Jump back in there.
Come on! Fine.
Never mind.
Just let me get my stuff from the lab and I'll go.
- The lab.
Try my lab.
- Mine, yours.
What's the difference? We're the Venture brothers! What's mine is yours.
Yeah, yeah.
You're very generous with my things.
Look, Twiki I have some very, very big government contracts I gotta get cracking on! I'm very, very, very back in action, and there are many, many bills to pay.
Super! I could use your help.
I've got most of them complete.
I think there are two left.
Yeah.
The sound that kills and a teleporter.
Dibs on the killing sound.
Dibs? Screw you! Those are my contracts! They were addressed to Dr.
Venture, and since you've been gone I've received two doctorates.
So I'm a Dr.
Venture, too.
- I was only gone a month.
- You can have the teleporter.
- Fine.
I'll clean up your mess.
- Great! I'm half done with it.
It's in the manufacturing wing.
I put your staff on the job.
Wait.
I have a manufacturing wing? I have a staff? I did this.
I let this happen to them.
- The boys were in my charge, and I failed! - It's not your fault.
These things happen.
What is it with you people? The children were cut down in their prime, and my negligence is to blame.
- Hate me! - All right.
Fine, I hate you.
You hungry? Thinkin' about making grilled cheese.
I accept your hatred! Now I don't want to worry you with the particulars but I am by trade a necromancer! You know what that means, right? - That you have sex with dead people.
- Phile.
Necrophile! A necromancer can bring the dead to life! - He was right.
- No, here.
Switch it, switch it.
No, look here.
Righty tighty, lefty loosy.
- I don't know.
- Come on, man.
Eyes down here! Where are you looking? How the hell did they get in here?! I padlocked this wing years ago.
Rusty! How ya doing? Long time no see! Not again.
Just let me take the ID's out.
Here.
Now you can't kill me.
Hobo code, right? This one always a kidder.
I know him for 30 years! Swifty, say hi to Rusty.
He was so flipped up, turned around, and Whoever you are, I don't want any trouble.
Just pack up your little shantytown and leave.
You really don't remember me? All those adventures we had? That little brown boy saved your life.
This Aztec calendar says today is your lucky day! Can we keep him, pa? - Yeah.
No.
No, not ringing a bell.
- JJ? Hey, hon.
You ready? - Just a sec.
- Hello! - Tell me she works here, too.
- My ride to the marina.
- Well, I'll be seeing you, big brother.
- You're leaving me with these people? Yep.
Off to Spider-Skull Island.
Did you bring your bi-kini? - One for me and one for Colette.
- Go, Team Venture! I used to be pretty.
Yeah, but not no more.
Look at my nose.
What the? Are you raping me?! - No.
Well, I was gonna, but - Gonna?! - What the f, King? - I couldn't get it up.
You felt too much like a girl, I couldn't get into it! Wait.
Wait a What? This isn't even my cell! What, did you take me to your place?! Well, I got porn here.
It helps.
Hank! Dean! Head.
On my head.
My apologies.
I didn't see you Wait, perhaps you could help.
From your helmet I can judge that you've been here long enough to know Yes, pilgrim! I, in life, was a personal guard to the great Caesar! Liar! You choked on a popsicle stick at a Halloween party.
- Tell everyone, why don't you?! - Everybody knows.
You're in hell 'cause you're a f liar.
Well, I'm trying to find the souls of two innocents.
One, Dean, has rust-colored hair.
The other, Hank, is tow-headed.
And I ask for Teleporter.
Money in the bank.
So this baby is almost finished, right? Don't quote me on this but I believe there was a ring, and I loved the radio.
- What is he talking about? - Swifty's a little punchy.
He was a prize fighter but after his brain went soft his wife left him and your father put him to work here.
My dad's dead.
So, Swifty, you're fired.
Your your father died? Like 20 years ago! Where have you been? Here.
20 years? I'm 45? I haven't even kissed a girl yet! My God.
That's sad.
Well, you're fired, too.
- So, we just leave? - Yes.
Where's the? Where's the door out? Those uniforms are Venture property.
Can you leave them in the bathroom hamper? From the government.
Half-done, my ass.
Looks good to me! I'll tart it up with a coat of baby blue enamel and ship her off to the government.
Oh, come on! No wonder my power bill's been through the roof.
What now? I got the stuff.
How are you doing with Phase Two? Just finishing up.
All right.
Here.
They don't hand-write mircodots on the outside.
They use, like, computers.
They don't use photos of Macaulay Culkin as money on the outside either.
And they don't have tiny men in their employ.
- Can't believe they let you keep those.
- They think a hobby aids in rehabilitation.
It's only fair.
I mean, Catlady gets to keep her cats.
Beetlebomb, his beetles.
And King Gorilla's got all those Tarzans.
There.
Fly! Fly, my pet! Let the beating of your wings ignite the hurricane of my glorious second coming! Tell the world The Monarch shall return! Eagle-1 to Guild Base-5.
Have intercepted message from Butterfly to Cocoon.
- Ready to transmit data.
- Copy, Tiny Eagle.
Ready to receive.
"Hello, friend.
Good news.
Fantastic Caribbean Getaway" Idiot! It's printing from memory! When was the last time you put paper in? I told you, you can't run the microwave and the blow-dryer at the same time.
They're on the same circ What the hell are you doing? How did you even do that? - Don't do that! - Doc? Lab! - Doc! - My ing brother is an idiot! - Should I ask? - Teleporter.
This is all I need.
Your legs are sticking out of the TV.
Where's the rest of you? I can't tell, hold on.
Wait, did you hear that? - I just threw something.
- Wait, do it again.
- No.
- OK, just a sec, I'll I just put my hand in sludge.
Oh, don't tell me! I think the rest of me is in the bathroom.
My clock is blinking twelve! I think the power went out! - What are you doing? - I like digging.
Can't a man leave his home with a shovel without an inquisition? No.
Dad, you have to let them go.
I can't.
Sweetie, I can feel them.
They are between worlds.
They can be raised! It's so simple.
I just need their bodies and their souls.
But I can't find their souls! How do you lose a soul? - They're not like car keys.
- Stop it! - You don't simply misplace them.
- Stop it! I don't even want to think about them as zombies! No, no, sweetie.
Zombies are animated bodies without souls.
This is a regular resurrection.
Stop crying, pumpkin.
I've done this hundreds of times.
David Blaine, Evel Knievel, both daddy's clients.
As was Ronald Reagan till he bounced a check.
- I'm gonna throw up.
- Pumpkin, no.
This is routine! I just raise this sword and go Rise and be one with the living! It's all very humdrum.
Let me get the door.
Now, don't touch any of this.
You could accidentally make the cats huge or something.
Yes, I heard you the first time.
Milkshake.
While it is comforting to see my legs, it's not really fixing anything.
I don't know, Doc.
I'm just trying to help.
Maybe if we put all of your parts back in the machine - Right.
Like in that Jeff Goldblum movie.
- Yeah.
See? We still can't find my right side, which I'm now certain is outdoors.
How come? Because it's raining on a third of me.
I'm freezing.
I discovered my nipples work as a team.
Come here.
Feel this crab eye I got going.
- I believe you.
- No.
Really.
Feel it! It's like a pencil eraser.
- We have a door, Orpheus.
- Oh, no! You, too, are trapped between worlds! - What have I done?! - Relax.
- Doc did that to himself.
- My stupid brother did this.
I have destroyed your life! I have brought your sons back as soulless zombies! So, is everyone clear on what his or her job is? Tigerrific? You look pensive.
There's no way I can tear the gates down.
- I'm not even close to strong enough! - Don't sell yourself short, man.
I once watched you cleave an eyewitness news van in twain! All costume.
I don't have any powers without that thing.
No powers? I thought you were, like, half tiger or something.
- No! - Raised by tigers then? Like Moogli? Mowgli! And that was wolves.
But still no.
You know, I could pull the gate off.
Kinda wasted as lookout anyway.
Sure you're strong enough? I don't want you talkin' about, "That's a gorilla suit.
" - I can do it.
- Great! Then Tigerrific's on lookout.
Or can't you see without your tiger helmet? So, if no one has any questions Question? Mr.
Monday.
What exactly will my title be for this new criminal syndicate of ours? Title? What? I don't know! I want to be President of Calendars! Whatever, crazy.
OK, anyone else? This is going to be so Monday-licious! Anyone not totally retarded? White Noise? This organization ain't gonna be racially mixed, is it? I can't allow my pure white blood to be muddied.
Do you even have blood? I mean, you're, like, made out of static.
- How do you even know you're white? - I was white once before my tragic life-altering television repair accident.
Fine.
Idiot! Can we move on? - So, right at lockdown tonight, we - Can we please wait till Monday? No! God, you're worse than my old henchmen! Flames filled the crock-pit.
We all knew the score.
Crimeodile hits the eject, saving me.
He was like that, his henchmen always came first.
Anyway, Captain Sunshine kept on his tail, kept on it, ship goes down Captain Sunshine takes out one more evil doer.
Me, big deal.
I'm out of a job, right? Just like that.
Sorry, Charlie.
I think we've all been there.
Thank you for sharing that, Charlie.
Does anyone else have anything to Yes? You.
Yeah.
Gary, former henchman, scullion class.
I could totally relate to Charlie's deal, but, Charlie, don't give up hope, man.
Escape pods, got your secret parachutes I wouldn't be surprised if you go home tonight and find a message on your machine from Crimeodile.
Gentlemen, please.
Gary, was it? Gary, the point of this group, is not the enable the henching habit but to learn how to hench for ourselves.
I hear what you're saying.
Instead of being henchmen we should become Supervillains ourselves.
- Now, that's not at all - Like in a beehive! When the queen dies.
One of the workers eats, like, a whole bunch of royal jelly and he morphs into the new queen.
- No, gentlemen! Don't listen to - I have The Monarch's crown someplace.
I can call myself "The Viceroy!" - I like that! - Can I use that?! No! That's why I've been looking everywhere for their souls.
Because I accidentally resurrected their bodies! Wait.
You saw their bodies? Saw them?! I made them a ing milkshake! - Nice.
Way to go, Brock.
- Must have been that power surge.
Who is your grief counselor? Mother Teresa? How can you be so nonchalant about this? My stupid talismans and I have made movie monsters of your sons! I don't deserve to wear them! It glows! Your sons' souls are near! OK, why don't you go home and take a shower? - You're starting to hallucinate.
- No shower for Byron Orpheus! I can feel them, hear them.
Your boys' souls are in this very room! Will you stop with the soul crap? There's a scientific explanation for this.
They are speaking to me.
Their voices like thunder! It's Dean! Speak to me, son! - Will ya tell him already? - What, and miss this? No way.
Yes, I hear them! Dean loves you! He understands and forgives you! But Hank, no, Hank is quite upset! Rage, I can hear his rage! He calls you a crum-bum! Or maybe a crampon! It's hard to hear him.
Isn't a crampon a little hook for mountain climbing? - He's definitely calling me a crum-bum.
- Here! It comes from this machine.
What is this machine? That machine? Nothing.
It makes robots or something.
Oh, no! Have I made scary boy robots?! Oh, I should never have played God! Doc, stop jerking the poor guy around and just tell him.
He's getting ectoplasm everywhere.
This isn't a request, King.
You and your Guild can go screw! Ten years of payin' dues and what did they do to keep me out of here when I got caught? Oh, what could we do? You eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neil on national television! I only sodomized half of him! They wanted The Surreal Life.
KG gave it to him.
I'd just hate for you to be in the shower one day when out of the shadows steps a man with a smuggled-in molecular destabilizer and zap! What was once your penis is now a tasteful reproduction Noguchi coffee table by Herman Miller.
- I don't respond to threats, Limb.
- Of course you don't.
Well, they don't call you King Gorilla for nothing, do they? And what king is complete without a queen? That's a cake.
But what's inside it, I wonder? Marzipan? Tarz-ipan.
Slow down.
What about the zombies? Now, I call those "clone slugs.
" Grew those years ago from nail clippings, I think.
Anyway, after the slugs have been activated, that machine - Purgatory.
- Whatever.
That computer feeds all their nocturnally recorded memory synapses.
And memories, hopes, and dreams? Their immortal soul! You're killing me with that crap.
Let me finish.
That computer feeds synaptic data to their incubation beds.
That information is supplemented with basic knowledge that my dad recorded for me, so I didn't have to go to school.
And that is why I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24.
- That is awful! - You didn't even see her.
It was horr No, it is awful that you would do this to your boys! - Please! You do this crap every day.
- That's different.
Why? Because you call it by a different name? Church-lab, souls-synapses, purgatory-computer, get over yourself.
- I must lie down.
- If it makes you feel better the ones you knew weren't the originals.
We've been through this - How many times, Brock? - This'll be fourteen.
Fourteen times.
We had a gas leak that time.
The silent killer.
Then this other time I remember that.
That was when we both grew the Oh, God! I know, I know.
What were we thinking? Oh, that wasn't half as bad as when I had those hair plugs.
What is that? A royal jelly donut you got there, you big queen? 24? Get out of town! Is that you? Come here, you big lug! All right, all right.
No touching.
I can't believe that's what you look like under your costume.
Hilarious! You look like Seinfeld with a unibrow.
- Who knew? - You should talk, all Kevin Smith.
Oh, and here's a tip.
A beard is not a substitute for a jaw line, no matter how you trim it.
You haven't changed, same old 24! - This is weird.
- Totally! When is The Monarch going to bust out already? 282, 283.
OK, lockdown, gentlemen! - Close gates! - Closing gates.
- What the? - Hey, Monarch! What the hell are you doing out of your cell?! You assholes! Tonight! It's supposed to be tonight! What the? What is this, Liquid Plumber? It's that orange powder we use when someone throws up.
I got hit with a tiny little man.
Monday! There's my President of Calendars! Where's the big diversion? Hello?! Septapus! White Noise! What are you doing? Remember those guards you were supposed to take out? Guess what?! King! Anytime you feel like making a move, buddy! Et tu, King Gorilla? I'm sorry, I can't.
It's a Guild thing.
Phantom Limb said Phantom Limb?! He's doing this?! Listen to me, King! King! This has nothing to do with the Guild! He stole my girlfriend! He just wants me out of the picture permanently! - Come on! - King! King! A month in solitary ought to chill you out.
You chickensh bastards! This isn't the end of this! The Monarch will return! You will Come on! The rest will be here any minute.
King, this is hardly the time Oh, my God, that's The pipes empty out a mile from here.
I won't be able to hold them off for long.
What changed your mind? Believe it or not love.
It was there in your eyes when you spoke of your girlfriend.
I always thought you were a schmuck, but what kind of monster would I be to stand in the way of love? Go find her.
Get her back.
And when you do, you love her and you never let go! It's all too much.
I I What am I going to tell my daughter? Tell her what I tell everybody when this crap happens.
- The boys never die.
- But they did! They shed their mortal coil as a snake sheds its skin.
Stop it! They are Hank and Dean.
They have all the same memories same annoying tendencies, same everything.
Look, if you have a clumsy child, you make them wear a helmet.
If you have death-prone children, you keep a few clones of them in your lab.
Speak of the devils! Their half-formed ears must be burning.
Brock, you should put them back in the oven.
I hate touching them.
They feel like giant Stretch Armstrongs.
Split between life and death.
The universe weeps for them.
Hank, you are never to call your father a crum-bum in front of company.
And where are your manners? What do you have to say to Dr.
Orpheus? Go, Team Venture! Thank God you guys are here.
I thought the whole plan got What? ¡Qué sopa más buena/