The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s02e01 Episode Script
Sam's Nut, Neil & Buzz, Air Dry
Hey.
Sorry.
What took so long, man? I was looking for my keys, and my room's a mess.
Dude, your fly is down.
Oh, really? Sorry.
And your nut is out.
Oh, is it? Yes! It's hanging out there in the wide open.
How can you not notice that? I left in a hurry.
Sorry.
You left in such a hurry that you pulled your pants on and didn't notice that one of your balls was hanging out as you walked outside into the world? Well, the phone was ringing when I was leaving.
That shouldn't even Look, iust tuck it back in and zip your pants up.
All right.
So do you want to go to the park? Caleb and Michelle are playing Frisbee.
Yeah, we'll go to the park.
Probably should go to the store first and pick up some.
Dude, your nut's out again.
-Is it? -Yes.
Man, my zipper must be broken.
That shouldn't have anything to do with this.
-Pants are weird.
-Then buy some new pants.
But for God's sake, make sure your balls are on the inside of them.
Okay, okay.
Hold on.
I don't want to munch any hairs.
Oh, gross.
Are you good now? Yeah.
I'm good.
Are you sure? Yes.
I'm good.
You're positive? I'm good, dude.
No, you're not.
Oh, dude! English Subs : Arkfeller Okay, it's Guinness World Book of Records time.
This is the first rap song about getting high with dinosaurs.
I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are blazing blunts tonight We blazing blunts tonight We blazing blunts tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is on a hunt tonight I'll only spit this one time So let me take it slow I started to get high About an hour ago But then the buzzer rang And I looked out the peephole It was a whole bunch of raptors And they just won't go I stepped back, and their knocks I just tried to ignore Thought I was safe But they knew how to open doors And without even asking They just came on in They started smoking my weed And then they called their friends I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight Me and these dinosaurs Is getting friggin' ripped tonight We getting faced tonight We getting faced tonight And all these dinosaurs Is crashing at my place tonight An allosaur is in the corner Trying to pack the bong Hotboxing in the john With a pteradon And now a compy and a stego's Starting to get it on But I can barely move Because this weed's the bomb Ankylosaur is making s'mores And eating Lucky Charms Pterodactyl took my whole bag Of Pepperidge farm T.
rex just went And set off the fire alarm And now he can't get it out Because he's got little arms I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight Now my neighbors on the phone And says she called the cops And this really freaked out The triceratops He's trying to climb out the window And we're yelling stop 'Cause I'm on the fifth floor And it's a heck of a drop We heard a knock And then the cops said they wanted in Then the saurolophus Tried to go and talk to them But he made things worse 'Cause he reeked of weed and gin But luckily dilophosaurus Quickly jumped on in They said we were too loud And that folks were in bed Diloph told the cops That we would be quiet instead Then they shined a light And asked why his eyes were red We were busted So that's when he bit off their heads I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight Me and these dinosaurs Is getting frigging ripped tonight We getting faced tonight We getting faced tonight And all these dinosaurs Is crashing at my place tonight Yeah! First rap song about getting high with dinosaurs.
You're welcome, Internet.
-How are we looking over here? -All systems look good, sir.
-Pressure's holding steady? -Pressure is adequate.
When can we reestablish video link? Video link should be coming through anytime now, sir.
-This is exciting, isn't it? -It certainly is, sir.
Whoo! We going to the moon! Yeah, moon, baby! Here we come! Who's going to the moon? We're going to the motherfuckin' moon! Whoo! Apollo 11, this is Houston.
How's everything going up there? Things are going awesome.
We're on our way to the moon.
Yeah! Right now we are talking to you while we're on our way to the motherfizzuckin' moon! Whoo! -Yeah! -Pounds! -Two times.
Moon.
-Moon! I see you have your flag there.
Hells yes, I got my flag.
You're both clear on your mission, correct? Hells yeah, we're clear.
I'm gonna land this son of a bitch on the moon.
Buzz is gonna land it.
-Then Neil's gonna walk out.
-I'm gonna walk out.
And then Neil's gonna plant the flag.
I'm gonna sling this thing into the moon.
And then we gonna own the moon! Neil and Buzz, moon owners, whoo! Moon dance! Moon dance.
Whoo! Moon! Yeah, moon! The moon! Okay, guys, guys, can you iust calm down for a moment? Hold on.
Let me check.
No, we can't calm down, because we're on our way to the moon.
Okay, Neil and Buzz, I'm gonna need you to check your carbon levels so I can make sure everything's checking out with the ship.
Okay, l'm gonna be straight with y'all.
I'm so excited, I forgot all that science stuff.
I don't know what none of these dials mean no more.
Okay, Buzz, can you read me your angle and vector? Angle and vector be damned! We going to the moon! I'm coming, bitch.
I'm coming, bitch.
I see.
I'm coming, bitch.
I'm coming, bitch.
Buzz, focus! Read us your angle and vector now.
It's fine.
The moon is right there, and I'm headed towards it at like a billion miles an hour.
We coming, bitch.
Neil! Please! [ Inaudible .]
-Sorry I'm late.
-It's okay.
All right, they already turned the dog invisible.
-Got some new pants.
-Good.
It's about time.
Yeah, I got this cool new shirt, too.
That's cool.
Dude, one of your nuts is hanging out of your collar.
What? Really? Oh.
This is ridiculous.
You know, I tried it on at the store, but you know, it never fits the same when you get home.
Yeah, I'm sure it's the store's fault.
Fix your nuts.
Oh! I'm switching seats.
But the.
He was a young, well-to-do stock trader shopping for a gift for his fiancée, until one fateful day when he accidentally broke a priceless vase.
Now the tables have turned, and this young go-getter must spend his life in service to this eccentric Asian shopkeeper.
Check out the hilarious new show, ''Yuppie Indentured Servant.
'' Well, the problem with your pitch is that the show is racist.
What? It's a fish-out-of-water story.
Okay, but the fish-out-of-water story is that it's weird for a white man to be a slave to an Asian man, which suggests that the norm would be the other way around.
I guess.
Whatever.
So do you like it? No.
Shitburgers.
I got another one.
Okay.
-Want to see it? -Sure.
Well, he was riding his bike When there was a lightning strike And now he reads real fast He's good at science and math Black Doctor! I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Where exactly did he get the bike? -He stole it.
-Right.
That's what I thought.
I don't think we're gonna be going down the road with ''Black Doctor!'' Really? Damn it! -Okay.
Igot one more.
-Go ahead.
-lt's called ''Jew Town.
'' -Nope.
-How about ''Too Many Lesbos''? -Nope.
''What's the Deal with Mexican Tits''? Go away.
So Candice has told me a lot about you.
Well, she said some really great things about you, too.
Just off the bat, I'm not one of those guys that's into playing a lot of games, you know? I just think we should have fun.
No pressure.
Let's just relax and enjoy the night.
Okay.
Great.
Um, a little bit about me.
I am a strong, independent woman.
And my career is really important to me.
Um, I don't use tampons.
I air-dry.
And l'm loyal to my friends to a fault.
Some of my pet peeves are I don't like it when people just don't say what they mean, or they iust say what you want to hear, because it's like, life is too short to deal with people like this.
Am I right? It's like, ''Move on.
'' Also, l'd iust like to say that I like to lay everything out on the table.
So look at me, you know? What you see is what you get.
Welcome back.
When we last left Sam and Brittany, things were heating up in the Big Apple.
Let's see if their chemistry continues over dinner, or if this chem maior shows Sam the door.
Amazing time.
l'm having a blast, I am having a blast.
NARRATOR: Watch as something embarrassing happens in 3, 2, 1 .
I know.
You iust got to get out there, you know? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Is that one of your balls? What a nut iob.
Detective Murphy.
I just got here.
What's the story? Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the victims.
There's obvious signs of a struggle from the upstairs bedroom down.
Looks to me like a lovers' quarrel that turned ugly.
Real ugly.
I'm gonna have to disagree with your detective work, though.
I'd say it looks like we've got a serial killer.
-Think it's our guy? -Matches his M.
O.
Look at how the head barely hangs on by the flesh of the neck.
Hands and feet are completely removed.
Entire body's wrapped in its own intestines.
Man, I could have sworn it was a lovers' quarrel.
Rookie mistake.
[ Sighs .]
Worst part is, the man's two kids saw the whole thing.
They watched as their own father was brutally murdered and sodomized right in front of their very eyes.
lt's things like that that just make you want to throw down your badge and find this gutless scum off the books.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Good, good.
That was really flowing for me.
I was feeling it.
I thought it was great.
Roger, can I give you a note real quick? Sure.
-I thought it was fantastic.
-Thanks.
-I want to try it again.
-Okay.
I want you to think this time -- You know, this is not iust a iob for your character.
Being a police officer is an obsession, you know? When you were a kid, you watched your own parents brutally murdered, okay? So we're gonna bring that fire and that rage up a little bit more in this one, yeah? I want you to do it again, and I want you to do it happier and with your mouth open.
-What? -Yeah.
Happier and with your mouth open, okay? I love it.
I love it.
You're doing great.
People, top of page 20 by lunch.
That's the goal.
Let's roll camera! Action.
Detective Murphy.
I just got here.
What's the story? Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the body.
And there's obvious signs of a struggle from the upstairs down.
Looks to me like it was a lovers' quarrel that turned ugly.
Real ugly.
I'm going to have to disagree with your detective work.
I'd say it looks like we've got a serial killer.
-You think this was our guy? -Matches his M.
O.
See how the head barely hangs on by the flesh of the neck? Cut, cut.
Yeah, I don't think this is the way.
Roger, you're doing a great iob.
Mitchell, real quick, if I may.
I'm loving it.
Loving every frame of it.
It's great.
I want to try it again.
I want to try it with a bit more fire.
Your character's seen it all.
He's a tough cop.
Been on the force for years.
But one thing that really drives him crazy is when harm comes to children.
And that's what we got here, right? So he could do anything.
We don't know.
I want that unpredictability.
You know, you're virile, right? So we're gonna do it again.
And this time we're gonna go even happier and with your mouth open, okay? Mr.
Sheldon, can we talk about this? You're gonna be great.
-Roger! -Yeah, I have a question.
Happier.
Mouth open even more.
All right, team.
Time is money.
I don't have to tell you that.
Let's roll that camera.
Action.
Detective Murphy.
I just got here.
What's the story? Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the bodies.
Seems that there was a struggle from the upstairs down.
Seems to me like it was a lovers' quarrel that turned ugly.
Real ugly.
I'm going to have to disagree with your detective work, though.
Cut, cut, cut.
This is not right.
-What? -lt's not working.
-lt's not working.
-lt's not working.
-Okay.
-We got to fix it.
-Yes.
Thank you.
-Okay.
Okay, Roger, we're gonna do it again.
Forget all.
Forget everything, okay.
Good.
Done.
Clean slate.
We're gonna do this completely way, way, way, way, way happier.
Your mouth is gonna be way, way, way, way more open.
Okay, iust big-time.
Mitchell, I want to see you happier, with your mouth open.
You guys are on the same page.
That's why we're a team.
I love it.
This is gonna be magic.
Everybody, this is the money shot.
I feel it in my bones.
Roll that camera.
Action.
[ High-pitched indistinct sounds .]
Hi.
How is everyone? My name is Timothy, and I will be your server this evening if you'll have me.
Yes.
We will have you.
Okay, great.
Well, I will go let my manager know that, and I'll be right back for your orders.
So, Darnell, our daughter Cindy tells us many, many things about you.
Only good things, I hope.
Good things, good things.
But she hasn't told us how you two met.
Well, that's a really interesting story, actually.
We were both in biology class, and we were assigned as lab partners together.
Well, he sure is a looker, Cindy.
-I told you, Mom.
-Oh, please.
How did you meet your lovely wife? That's an interesting story, actually.
I was in the Navy, and Samantha here happened to be in the Peace Corps.
And we were both stationed in Mauritania, of all.
[ Makes a farting sound .]
Oh, man.
[ Continues making a farting sound .]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Oh, not at dinner.
Oh, I'm sorry, everybody.
Does that smell? Does that smell really bad, everybody? Well, did you actually pass gas, or did you just make that sound with your mouth? [ Makes a farting sound .]
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
This is a wet one.
Oh, no.
I can't believe this is happening at dinner.
Somebody, help.
Call an ambulance.
I'm just ioking.
I did that all with my mouth.
That wasn't a real fart.
Look at this guy's face.
You believed me.
This guy believed me.
I did that all with my mouth.
Honey.
Think I'm gonna get the shrimp.
What's everyone else having? I was thinking about having the meat loaf.
Oh, that's funny because I was actually thinking about getting.
[ Makes a farting sound .]
Oh, no! It's back.
But this time it's real.
This is a real fart.
Oh! I got to go.
Somebody, order for me.
Okay, I must be missing something here.
No, you're not missing anything.
Again, I did that all with my mouth.
That was completely fake.
That was all up here.
I understand that, Darnell.
lt's just that we're at a very nice restaurant.
I know.
Don't worry.
I'm not really farting.
lt's all up here.
I understand that.
[ Makes a farting sound .]
Somebody, call a fart doctor.
This is the big one.
Darnell.
Could you stop that, please? Yes, I can.
At any time.
lt's all fake.
Sir, if you don't stop doing that, I'll have to ask you to leave the restaurant.
The waiter believed me.
The waiter bought it.
The waiter fell for it.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! -Honey.
-Waiter wins the prize.
Cherry, cherry, cherry.
Slot machine.
Honey, what are you doing? I don't know.
I'm trying to impress your parents.
D-A-R-R-E.
.
.
Okay.
And the next line? .
.
.
N-l-S-A P-O-O-F.
Okay.
You are pretty much completely blind.
-Really? -Yeah.
I'm surprised you haven't noticed this before.
Doctor, I don't believe you.
I mean, everything's, you know, blurry and fuzzy.
Well, that's the thing.
Things aren't supposed to look blurry and fuzzy.
-What? -Here.
Try these.
Holy guacamole! Everything's sharp and defined! Welcome to the world.
Leapin' lizards! I can't believe I've gone my whole life without seeing the beauty of ''alcohol prep pads.
'' And your ceiling! It's gorgeous! Doctor, your floor Iooks like a fireworks show! Just wait till you see a fireworks show.
Honey, sorry.
I got bored in the waiting room.
So, how are your eyes? My eyes are fixed! Oh, God.
Wonderful! [ Sighs .]
Maybe if I just.
lt's no use.
Damage is done.
What damage? What are you looking at? Who'd have thought my life's highest point and its lowest would come a mere minute apart? My world was given to me in the form of my restored vision.
But it was cruelly taken away in the form of I married a fat sow.
You know, we can hear every single word you're saying right now.
I loved you! [ Cries .]
I knew.
That's well played.
You should check out pornography.
Sorry.
What took so long, man? I was looking for my keys, and my room's a mess.
Dude, your fly is down.
Oh, really? Sorry.
And your nut is out.
Oh, is it? Yes! It's hanging out there in the wide open.
How can you not notice that? I left in a hurry.
Sorry.
You left in such a hurry that you pulled your pants on and didn't notice that one of your balls was hanging out as you walked outside into the world? Well, the phone was ringing when I was leaving.
That shouldn't even Look, iust tuck it back in and zip your pants up.
All right.
So do you want to go to the park? Caleb and Michelle are playing Frisbee.
Yeah, we'll go to the park.
Probably should go to the store first and pick up some.
Dude, your nut's out again.
-Is it? -Yes.
Man, my zipper must be broken.
That shouldn't have anything to do with this.
-Pants are weird.
-Then buy some new pants.
But for God's sake, make sure your balls are on the inside of them.
Okay, okay.
Hold on.
I don't want to munch any hairs.
Oh, gross.
Are you good now? Yeah.
I'm good.
Are you sure? Yes.
I'm good.
You're positive? I'm good, dude.
No, you're not.
Oh, dude! English Subs : Arkfeller Okay, it's Guinness World Book of Records time.
This is the first rap song about getting high with dinosaurs.
I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are blazing blunts tonight We blazing blunts tonight We blazing blunts tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is on a hunt tonight I'll only spit this one time So let me take it slow I started to get high About an hour ago But then the buzzer rang And I looked out the peephole It was a whole bunch of raptors And they just won't go I stepped back, and their knocks I just tried to ignore Thought I was safe But they knew how to open doors And without even asking They just came on in They started smoking my weed And then they called their friends I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight Me and these dinosaurs Is getting friggin' ripped tonight We getting faced tonight We getting faced tonight And all these dinosaurs Is crashing at my place tonight An allosaur is in the corner Trying to pack the bong Hotboxing in the john With a pteradon And now a compy and a stego's Starting to get it on But I can barely move Because this weed's the bomb Ankylosaur is making s'mores And eating Lucky Charms Pterodactyl took my whole bag Of Pepperidge farm T.
rex just went And set off the fire alarm And now he can't get it out Because he's got little arms I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight Now my neighbors on the phone And says she called the cops And this really freaked out The triceratops He's trying to climb out the window And we're yelling stop 'Cause I'm on the fifth floor And it's a heck of a drop We heard a knock And then the cops said they wanted in Then the saurolophus Tried to go and talk to them But he made things worse 'Cause he reeked of weed and gin But luckily dilophosaurus Quickly jumped on in They said we were too loud And that folks were in bed Diloph told the cops That we would be quiet instead Then they shined a light And asked why his eyes were red We were busted So that's when he bit off their heads I'll smoke a joint tonight I'll smoke a joint tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight I'll smoke a spliff tonight Me and these dinosaurs Is getting frigging ripped tonight We getting faced tonight We getting faced tonight And all these dinosaurs Is crashing at my place tonight Yeah! First rap song about getting high with dinosaurs.
You're welcome, Internet.
-How are we looking over here? -All systems look good, sir.
-Pressure's holding steady? -Pressure is adequate.
When can we reestablish video link? Video link should be coming through anytime now, sir.
-This is exciting, isn't it? -It certainly is, sir.
Whoo! We going to the moon! Yeah, moon, baby! Here we come! Who's going to the moon? We're going to the motherfuckin' moon! Whoo! Apollo 11, this is Houston.
How's everything going up there? Things are going awesome.
We're on our way to the moon.
Yeah! Right now we are talking to you while we're on our way to the motherfizzuckin' moon! Whoo! -Yeah! -Pounds! -Two times.
Moon.
-Moon! I see you have your flag there.
Hells yes, I got my flag.
You're both clear on your mission, correct? Hells yeah, we're clear.
I'm gonna land this son of a bitch on the moon.
Buzz is gonna land it.
-Then Neil's gonna walk out.
-I'm gonna walk out.
And then Neil's gonna plant the flag.
I'm gonna sling this thing into the moon.
And then we gonna own the moon! Neil and Buzz, moon owners, whoo! Moon dance! Moon dance.
Whoo! Moon! Yeah, moon! The moon! Okay, guys, guys, can you iust calm down for a moment? Hold on.
Let me check.
No, we can't calm down, because we're on our way to the moon.
Okay, Neil and Buzz, I'm gonna need you to check your carbon levels so I can make sure everything's checking out with the ship.
Okay, l'm gonna be straight with y'all.
I'm so excited, I forgot all that science stuff.
I don't know what none of these dials mean no more.
Okay, Buzz, can you read me your angle and vector? Angle and vector be damned! We going to the moon! I'm coming, bitch.
I'm coming, bitch.
I see.
I'm coming, bitch.
I'm coming, bitch.
Buzz, focus! Read us your angle and vector now.
It's fine.
The moon is right there, and I'm headed towards it at like a billion miles an hour.
We coming, bitch.
Neil! Please! [ Inaudible .]
-Sorry I'm late.
-It's okay.
All right, they already turned the dog invisible.
-Got some new pants.
-Good.
It's about time.
Yeah, I got this cool new shirt, too.
That's cool.
Dude, one of your nuts is hanging out of your collar.
What? Really? Oh.
This is ridiculous.
You know, I tried it on at the store, but you know, it never fits the same when you get home.
Yeah, I'm sure it's the store's fault.
Fix your nuts.
Oh! I'm switching seats.
But the.
He was a young, well-to-do stock trader shopping for a gift for his fiancée, until one fateful day when he accidentally broke a priceless vase.
Now the tables have turned, and this young go-getter must spend his life in service to this eccentric Asian shopkeeper.
Check out the hilarious new show, ''Yuppie Indentured Servant.
'' Well, the problem with your pitch is that the show is racist.
What? It's a fish-out-of-water story.
Okay, but the fish-out-of-water story is that it's weird for a white man to be a slave to an Asian man, which suggests that the norm would be the other way around.
I guess.
Whatever.
So do you like it? No.
Shitburgers.
I got another one.
Okay.
-Want to see it? -Sure.
Well, he was riding his bike When there was a lightning strike And now he reads real fast He's good at science and math Black Doctor! I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Where exactly did he get the bike? -He stole it.
-Right.
That's what I thought.
I don't think we're gonna be going down the road with ''Black Doctor!'' Really? Damn it! -Okay.
Igot one more.
-Go ahead.
-lt's called ''Jew Town.
'' -Nope.
-How about ''Too Many Lesbos''? -Nope.
''What's the Deal with Mexican Tits''? Go away.
So Candice has told me a lot about you.
Well, she said some really great things about you, too.
Just off the bat, I'm not one of those guys that's into playing a lot of games, you know? I just think we should have fun.
No pressure.
Let's just relax and enjoy the night.
Okay.
Great.
Um, a little bit about me.
I am a strong, independent woman.
And my career is really important to me.
Um, I don't use tampons.
I air-dry.
And l'm loyal to my friends to a fault.
Some of my pet peeves are I don't like it when people just don't say what they mean, or they iust say what you want to hear, because it's like, life is too short to deal with people like this.
Am I right? It's like, ''Move on.
'' Also, l'd iust like to say that I like to lay everything out on the table.
So look at me, you know? What you see is what you get.
Welcome back.
When we last left Sam and Brittany, things were heating up in the Big Apple.
Let's see if their chemistry continues over dinner, or if this chem maior shows Sam the door.
Amazing time.
l'm having a blast, I am having a blast.
NARRATOR: Watch as something embarrassing happens in 3, 2, 1 .
I know.
You iust got to get out there, you know? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Is that one of your balls? What a nut iob.
Detective Murphy.
I just got here.
What's the story? Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the victims.
There's obvious signs of a struggle from the upstairs bedroom down.
Looks to me like a lovers' quarrel that turned ugly.
Real ugly.
I'm gonna have to disagree with your detective work, though.
I'd say it looks like we've got a serial killer.
-Think it's our guy? -Matches his M.
O.
Look at how the head barely hangs on by the flesh of the neck.
Hands and feet are completely removed.
Entire body's wrapped in its own intestines.
Man, I could have sworn it was a lovers' quarrel.
Rookie mistake.
[ Sighs .]
Worst part is, the man's two kids saw the whole thing.
They watched as their own father was brutally murdered and sodomized right in front of their very eyes.
lt's things like that that just make you want to throw down your badge and find this gutless scum off the books.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Good, good.
That was really flowing for me.
I was feeling it.
I thought it was great.
Roger, can I give you a note real quick? Sure.
-I thought it was fantastic.
-Thanks.
-I want to try it again.
-Okay.
I want you to think this time -- You know, this is not iust a iob for your character.
Being a police officer is an obsession, you know? When you were a kid, you watched your own parents brutally murdered, okay? So we're gonna bring that fire and that rage up a little bit more in this one, yeah? I want you to do it again, and I want you to do it happier and with your mouth open.
-What? -Yeah.
Happier and with your mouth open, okay? I love it.
I love it.
You're doing great.
People, top of page 20 by lunch.
That's the goal.
Let's roll camera! Action.
Detective Murphy.
I just got here.
What's the story? Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the body.
And there's obvious signs of a struggle from the upstairs down.
Looks to me like it was a lovers' quarrel that turned ugly.
Real ugly.
I'm going to have to disagree with your detective work.
I'd say it looks like we've got a serial killer.
-You think this was our guy? -Matches his M.
O.
See how the head barely hangs on by the flesh of the neck? Cut, cut.
Yeah, I don't think this is the way.
Roger, you're doing a great iob.
Mitchell, real quick, if I may.
I'm loving it.
Loving every frame of it.
It's great.
I want to try it again.
I want to try it with a bit more fire.
Your character's seen it all.
He's a tough cop.
Been on the force for years.
But one thing that really drives him crazy is when harm comes to children.
And that's what we got here, right? So he could do anything.
We don't know.
I want that unpredictability.
You know, you're virile, right? So we're gonna do it again.
And this time we're gonna go even happier and with your mouth open, okay? Mr.
Sheldon, can we talk about this? You're gonna be great.
-Roger! -Yeah, I have a question.
Happier.
Mouth open even more.
All right, team.
Time is money.
I don't have to tell you that.
Let's roll that camera.
Action.
Detective Murphy.
I just got here.
What's the story? Well, we got multiple stab wounds on the bodies.
Seems that there was a struggle from the upstairs down.
Seems to me like it was a lovers' quarrel that turned ugly.
Real ugly.
I'm going to have to disagree with your detective work, though.
Cut, cut, cut.
This is not right.
-What? -lt's not working.
-lt's not working.
-lt's not working.
-Okay.
-We got to fix it.
-Yes.
Thank you.
-Okay.
Okay, Roger, we're gonna do it again.
Forget all.
Forget everything, okay.
Good.
Done.
Clean slate.
We're gonna do this completely way, way, way, way, way happier.
Your mouth is gonna be way, way, way, way more open.
Okay, iust big-time.
Mitchell, I want to see you happier, with your mouth open.
You guys are on the same page.
That's why we're a team.
I love it.
This is gonna be magic.
Everybody, this is the money shot.
I feel it in my bones.
Roll that camera.
Action.
[ High-pitched indistinct sounds .]
Hi.
How is everyone? My name is Timothy, and I will be your server this evening if you'll have me.
Yes.
We will have you.
Okay, great.
Well, I will go let my manager know that, and I'll be right back for your orders.
So, Darnell, our daughter Cindy tells us many, many things about you.
Only good things, I hope.
Good things, good things.
But she hasn't told us how you two met.
Well, that's a really interesting story, actually.
We were both in biology class, and we were assigned as lab partners together.
Well, he sure is a looker, Cindy.
-I told you, Mom.
-Oh, please.
How did you meet your lovely wife? That's an interesting story, actually.
I was in the Navy, and Samantha here happened to be in the Peace Corps.
And we were both stationed in Mauritania, of all.
[ Makes a farting sound .]
Oh, man.
[ Continues making a farting sound .]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Oh, not at dinner.
Oh, I'm sorry, everybody.
Does that smell? Does that smell really bad, everybody? Well, did you actually pass gas, or did you just make that sound with your mouth? [ Makes a farting sound .]
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
This is a wet one.
Oh, no.
I can't believe this is happening at dinner.
Somebody, help.
Call an ambulance.
I'm just ioking.
I did that all with my mouth.
That wasn't a real fart.
Look at this guy's face.
You believed me.
This guy believed me.
I did that all with my mouth.
Honey.
Think I'm gonna get the shrimp.
What's everyone else having? I was thinking about having the meat loaf.
Oh, that's funny because I was actually thinking about getting.
[ Makes a farting sound .]
Oh, no! It's back.
But this time it's real.
This is a real fart.
Oh! I got to go.
Somebody, order for me.
Okay, I must be missing something here.
No, you're not missing anything.
Again, I did that all with my mouth.
That was completely fake.
That was all up here.
I understand that, Darnell.
lt's just that we're at a very nice restaurant.
I know.
Don't worry.
I'm not really farting.
lt's all up here.
I understand that.
[ Makes a farting sound .]
Somebody, call a fart doctor.
This is the big one.
Darnell.
Could you stop that, please? Yes, I can.
At any time.
lt's all fake.
Sir, if you don't stop doing that, I'll have to ask you to leave the restaurant.
The waiter believed me.
The waiter bought it.
The waiter fell for it.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! -Honey.
-Waiter wins the prize.
Cherry, cherry, cherry.
Slot machine.
Honey, what are you doing? I don't know.
I'm trying to impress your parents.
D-A-R-R-E.
.
.
Okay.
And the next line? .
.
.
N-l-S-A P-O-O-F.
Okay.
You are pretty much completely blind.
-Really? -Yeah.
I'm surprised you haven't noticed this before.
Doctor, I don't believe you.
I mean, everything's, you know, blurry and fuzzy.
Well, that's the thing.
Things aren't supposed to look blurry and fuzzy.
-What? -Here.
Try these.
Holy guacamole! Everything's sharp and defined! Welcome to the world.
Leapin' lizards! I can't believe I've gone my whole life without seeing the beauty of ''alcohol prep pads.
'' And your ceiling! It's gorgeous! Doctor, your floor Iooks like a fireworks show! Just wait till you see a fireworks show.
Honey, sorry.
I got bored in the waiting room.
So, how are your eyes? My eyes are fixed! Oh, God.
Wonderful! [ Sighs .]
Maybe if I just.
lt's no use.
Damage is done.
What damage? What are you looking at? Who'd have thought my life's highest point and its lowest would come a mere minute apart? My world was given to me in the form of my restored vision.
But it was cruelly taken away in the form of I married a fat sow.
You know, we can hear every single word you're saying right now.
I loved you! [ Cries .]
I knew.
That's well played.
You should check out pornography.