This Is England 86 (2010) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
and scenes that some viewers may find disturbing and upsetting.
(LITTLE GIRL) Mummy, come and play.
Fuck's sake, Lisa .
.
not again.
Mummy.
(YAWNS) Fuck off.
Turn it off.
Come on, mate.
Don't ignore it, Shauny.
You'll be late for school.
How many fucking times? It's not called school, it's called college.
Whatever you want to call it, Shauny.
It's dead sexy.
We need to get you a portfolio and a beret.
Why would I wear a beret?! It's a drama course, not an arts course.
Oh, stop being such a grumpy gums.
Get your fucking finger out of my mouth! Are you getting the bus? Is it going to be a late bus? I don't know, just normal time.
An early bus? (GROANS) In about half an hour or something.
Do you want to go for a ride? Please! No, I can't be bothered.
I've been wanking you all weekwank me.
No! So what? Please, wank me! Why? Cos I don't want to.
I can't be bothered.
My mum's downstairs.
Oh, well, just lend me your finger, then.
Oh, well, just lend me your finger, then.
No! Use your own filthy fingers.
Just put your little finger Just put your little finger No! Use your own fingers.
Oh, why? Oh, why? You've got all day.
Put your finger in me! Get off! I want you to put your Christmastailin me.
Oh, my God, that's disgusting! Britain was known for suffering from the British disease Stop doing that.
Not that toy, please, Lisa.
No, you can put that one back.
Oh, what have you done? Nothing.
No, you've just spilt water all over the floor.
About nothing.
CLIFF RICHARD: Mistletoe And Wine Very clever.
Very clever.
Very, very good idea.
He's demanding there, Mam.
He wants some of your toast, I think.
He's demanding there, Mam.
He wants some of your toast, I think.
He can't have it.
He's got some in there.
Has he? Has he? Mm.
Eat that there.
Eat that there.
Haven't you, eh? Eh, look at this! Room at the inn for a little one? All right, love? All right, love? Morning, Ritchey.
Are you all right, sweetheart? Are you all right, sweetheart? Morning, Mr and Mrs Woodford.
(BOTH) Morning, Jennifer, love! You can call us by our first names now, you know.
I keep forgetting.
Morning, Barbara.
Morning, love.
Does that mean she can she start calling you Dick now, Dad? I'll give you blooming Dick.
I'll give you blooming Dick.
You bloody won't.
Dirty bugger! I'll ring ChildLine.
Give you dick? "I'll give you dick.
" Ritchey! That is brilliant! That is a bit that's a bit near the knuckle.
It's a bit early for that, isn't it? Mam likes it.
Mam's laughing.
Just as well she's got a good sense of humour.
Just as well she's got a good sense of humour.
It's cos the joke's on you, innit? Do you want some toast, Jennifer? Oh, yes, thank you.
It's wholemeal.
I hope you like what I've got you for Christmas.
What is it? What is it? Morning.
Morning.
For the love of God, Sanders, will you put some clothes on, man? I've got nothing to hide.
I can see that, mate.
Shaun, don't be rude, love.
How's rehearsals going? How's rehearsals going? Shit.
What do you mean "shit"? I'm making an idiot of myself in front of everyone, that shit.
How can you be making an idiot of yourself? How can you be making an idiot of yourself? Because I can't act! Everyone else is amazing and I'mshit.
Shaun, you would not have been given the lead role in a Victorian melodrama if you was bad.
Well, obviously, cos I've been given it and I am bad.
You're obviously very good, the teachers have faith in you and I'm proud of you.
When I'm on stage Gadge and Lol and everyone are going to be laughing.
When I'm on stage Gadge and Lol and everyone are going to be laughing.
No, they're going to be supporting you and if they laugh it's because they're jealous.
Jealous that I'm looking like an idiot? Well, why are you looking like an idiot, what are you wearing? A stupid massive wig, side burns, top hatit's ridiculous.
Well, that's Shakespeare - you've got to get into character.
No, it's not Shakespeare! All right, well, what is it, then? It's Tim Taylor or something.
So you haven't heard of him? So you haven't heard of him? No, but I don't know my stuff, do I? Well, neither do I, I don't know what I'm doing.
I think you're just, you know, a bit nervous, that's all.
I'm not nervous at all.
I can't say anything right.
I'm trying to help.
I can't say anything right.
I'm trying to help.
You're gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
Whatever.
I'm off anyway.
Yeah, well, have a nice day at school! It's college! Oh, it's the same thing, Shaun.
What is wrong with him? What are you all doing? You don't have to come out every bloody morning.
The neighbours are looking, get in! Have a good day.
Have a good day.
Yeah.
See you in a bit.
Bye! See you, love! Get me the fuck out of here.
Every day.
I'm sick of it.
There he goes.
Right.
Cup of tea? After you, love.
After you, love.
Thank you.
(MAN) Cheers, mate.
Hello, mate.
Thank you!Cheers.
Oh, it's Shaun.
Shauny!Shauny boy! How we doing, son? Move up one for Shaun.
You all right? You all right? Yeah, are you? Yeah.
Good.
(SIGHS)I'm knackered.
Yeah, same.
Your hair looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
I got up really early today.
What shampoo do you use? I just used my mum's this morning.
Oh, did you? Hi!Oh! Let's go and see Nanny.
Here she is, Nanny's little angel! Yeah!Are you all right? Hiya! How are you doing? One minute, just wait.
Come on, then, come give me a cuddle.
Yeah! Here she is! Ooh!Steady! Come on, steady with her.
Oh, look, lots of things! You all right? You all right? Are you all right? Come on, then, let's get the teapot out.
Take that Noddy hat off, eh? Oh, that's better! It's not working.
How do you work this? How do you work this? Oh, I dunno.
How do you work this? Oh, I dunno.
Where did you get this fucking from?! How do you work this? Oh, I dunno.
Where did you get this fucking from?! Oh, it's only a teapot.
Oh, you'll trap your finger! Oh, steady! Right, go and put them on the bus.
Look, over there.
That's a good girl.
You feeling all right? You look like shit.
Oh, thanks.
What, she not sleeping? No.
Four times she was up last night.
Oh, Lisa, what are we going to do with you, eh? Keeping Mummy up all night.
Why don't you leave her with me today? Have a break.
Oh, I've got her at the community nurse at one so Shaun's got this play on Christmas Eve, I said I'd try and catch it.
I was wondering if you'd have her for a couple of hours? What, Christmas Eve? What, Christmas Eve? Yeah, then we can all wake up together.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Hey, Lisa, that'll be nice, won't it? At Nanny's on Christmas Eve? Are you sure? Yeah, I'd love to! I was going to go to bingo with Trudy, but I'd much rather have her.
Lisa? Are you going to stay with Nanny on Christmas Eve?Yes.
Wait for Santa? You're on for a right one, you lads.
Here you go, Taylor - sort yourself out with a big bag of weed, you filthy cunt.
Here you are, give us a smile and I'll give you an extra 10p.
Go on, seriously.
I'm fucking about with you, get out.
Eh? Milner, there you go, sort yourself out, mate.
Davidson, sort yoursen out.
Have a good Chrimbo.
Nice one, lads! You're not getting a bloody bonus, you've not done owt.
Pull your finger out.
Kenneth Squires, it should be in there.
Are you having a friggin' laugh, mate? Cos I've been through it three times.
Cos I've been through it three times.
I'm not bloody hell havin' a laugh.
They've not said nowt to me.
What are these? Ricardo, have you messed up again, eh?What? Bugger! Bugger! Squires, you bugger! I knew that, I knew you were winding me up.
I knew you were winding me up.
Had you there for a minute! I'm here cos I've a bonus for you, lad.
Get out! Bloody hell! The weight of that, eh? Yeah, yeah.
Very generous, very generous.
Check it out.
You could knock a horse out with that.
Let's have a do.
Bloody hell! Oh, ho-ho! Merry Christmas! Friggin' hell, it will be.
?100 there?150! 150!150! Bugger me.
Thank you, Mr Squires.
That's right generous of you.
Oh, not at Hey! And I've got more Christmas cheer for you an' all, son.
Go on? Go on? Guess who's been moved up to head office, eh? Go on? Guess who's been moved up to head office, eh? Go on.
Me! You! Unbelievable! Unbelievable! Eh! Fantastic.
Can't think of a better bloke for that job, you know.
You'll smash that.
You'll smash that.
Oh, heyand part of my new job entails finding my successor.
Yeah, you going to get someone in? Wewell, I've only got one candidate in mind, lad, I'm standing right in front of him.
You can fuck off.
Twat! I wasn't expecting that.
It's a joke! I'm joking with you.
What, like banter?Banter! Like work The lads do it all the time.
Hey! Oh, yeah! They're always causing trouble.
Oh, you're great cunt, you.
Aren't ya? Hey, hey, so I'm giving you the chance to step up.
Richard Woodford - Manager.
Certain ring to it.
Ring to it! Ring to it! Oh! Hey Brothers from different mothers! Hey, tell you what All that there, but listen Seriously, listen, I'll let you know after Chrimbo cos I'm going to have a right think on That is exciting news.
What did you say? After Just going to have a think on it after And I'll let you know after Chrimbo, cos you know what? Mam and Dad are very sensitive.
After Chrimbo? Only because theytheythey they're sensitive, I've had a rough fewfew months and they're worried about me.
And it's justit just seems like Your mum and dad?Yeah.
Like, common courtesy just tomention it to 'em.
That they've, you know Just OK it with my mam and dad.
They'll be fine with it.
They'll be They'll want me to do it, I'm fuckin' overwhelmed, I can't believe that shit.
You're just, you know you're a bit less pleased than I hoped for.
Oh, Bloody No, mate, I'm ecstatic! I'm ecs You're winding me up, you are, like down there, like, when we were by the computer.
I'm playing hard to get, you're being sad.
Eh? Grin, you great shit! That were too hard.
Too hard.
That were too hard, that, are you all right? Eryeah? All right.
Yeah? Shoved you a bit hard then.
Sure? Yeah.
Didn't mean to.
No.
All right? No, it's all right, it's all right.
After ChrimboI'll, you know Just, umthink hard on it.
I will do! The thinking is killing me.
Diddid any of youse catch that that documentary the other week about the, um, the achy balls thing? Oh, it wasit was dead good.
It was It was about this guy whohe had, like, reallyhorrible achy balls, and I mean, he didn'the didn't really know what was up with him, sort of thing, and hehe was He had achy balls.
And one of them wentinside of him, do you know, like, you know like when you're cold sometimes and they sort of go a bit hard? It went inside, even while he was hot, while he was warm he just he just What channel was it on? I think it was 4, think it was Channel 4, yeah.
What day was it on? SuSunday or Saturday, one of them.
It might have been Saturday.
I watched it.
Right massivemassive, really fat bloke.
Really sweaty, fat bloke.
Had problems walking up stairs and that? Just got himself in a right pickle with anything uphill No need to .
.
called Gadget? Fuck off, mate.
No, why are you Why are you talking the piss ? What's up with your balls? What's happened to 'em? It's hard this, man.
I'm I'm living with this fucking nagging, achy balls all the time.
Go to the doctor then, Gadget, you nutcase, man.
You sure you're not just wanking too much? Fuck off, Kel.
I don't wank too much.
That normally A problem with your balls like that, achy balls is normally fucking Cancer.
Cancer! Yeah.
Big C.
Fuck off, it's not I'm too young to have cancer.
I can't have cancer! I can't have cancer! Mate, it happens to young ones, it's, like, 14 to 25, or summat, that's the most prone.
It's all right, we'll get you a trip to Disneyland and you can meet Mickey.
Mate, will you There's no lumps or anything.
Man, you can have a feel if you want.
Man, you can have a feel if you want.
No, I'm all right.
If you think it's cancer, have a feel.
I'm all right, mate.
Fuck off, Gadge! Get out of my face.
Feel! Come on! It's not gay if you feel through the clothes.
Fuck off, man, seriously.
You're not actually touching it.
Get your fucking balls out of my fa I'll smack your face in, mate.
I'll smack your face in, mate.
Will you have a feel? I'll smack your face in, mate.
Will you have a feel? Fuck off, will she have a feel! Merry Christmas, one and all! Fuck off! Milk? Don't look at him, people, he will impregnate you.
He'll do you with his eyeballs.
You dick.
Fuck off.
Sorry.
How is everyone? You all look like you've seen a ghost.
Not seen you in ages, man.
How long's it been? A couple of months? Three or four, more fucking like it.
Really?Yeah.
Has anyone seen Woods? Hardly.
He's got a new girlfriend.
Yeah, fit as fuck, she is.
Jennifer, ginger Jennifer.
Posh.
Very posh.
Sound.
He He deserves it, man.
I'veI've written to him, but I've had no response or a reply.
I don't deserve one, but (BANJO) You'll get there, Milks.
Youse were like brothers and a relationship like that, you can't throw away, can you? Do I get a hug at all, cos fuck me, it's a bit frosty in here! (BANJO) Good to see you.
Mwah! Looking good, man.
Where's the girls, then? Try it on 'em all.
How are you?Good.
Good, good.
Kel, How are you? Are you all right? Here, meet Titch.
She's my girlfriend.
Ooh! Hello, Titch.
This is my wonderful Hey up! Less of that, we don't want another black baby on our hands, do we? So probably around this stage, she could be getting some back teeth.
Have you notice herred cheeks? Drooling? Fists in the mouth? Biting down? Biting down? No.
Her cheeks aren't red.
And, you know, she dribbles and chews on things like any other kid.
OK.
Well, that's a good sign, probably, that she is teething.
Um So what can we do? Cos I need to crack this today.
OK.
You could probably give her something like Calpol, and that'll get rid of the pain, take her temperature down and settle her, basically.
So if that works, that's the job, that will put her to sleep at night and you'll have an easier time.
Right.
It can take a couple of days for it to kick in, for it to work, so you could be looking at another few restless nights.
And it can come and go, teething, so she could be OK for a couple of months and this could start again So, really, there is no remedy? It's just par for the course, unfortunately, andthis is about the age when the back teeth come in, so that's probably what you're dealing with at the moment, and I know how tough it is.
Oh, do you?Yeah.
You got kids, then? I have.
Yeah.
You got a husband?Yeah.
Well, lucky you, because I don't.
Right? I do this all on my own, so you have fucking no idea what it's like.
Can you sleep when she sleeps during the day? Do you think I don't try? I'm doing the best I can, all right? Look she's doing great, and you're doing a great job with her.
It looks like you're doing a great job with her.
It's you I'm more worried about.
The last time you were here, you did seem to be re-experiencing postnatal depression Oh, God, here we go again.
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah.
Some sort of fucking psychiatrist now, are you? It's my job to look out for you No, your job is to look after my daughter, right? I came here for her, not for me.
OK, I know how tough it is I'm up all night, I'm on my own and you're trying to make out like you've a clue what I'm going through.
If you ever want to come back and talk to me, I'm here.
You can leave Lisa with your mum maybe and just No, I can't! Stop trying to organise my life.
"You can leave Lisa with your mum, you can do this," I'm sure you can.
I'm sure it's lovely for you.
And do you know what? I envy you.
I absolutely envy every little bit of your life and I don't even fucking know your name.
But I can see that you've got a nice life, and I can see that you've probably had quite a nice upbringing, and you've probably got quite a nice husband, and you've probably got very well-behaved children that sleep at night.
I can see what you've got and you can see what I've got.
I know they seem like worlds apart Fucking monotone, that's all I get with you.
"I know this, I know" Do you know what? I thinkI think it's best that I go and I'll get some Calpol and we'll leave it there.
When you're ready to come back and talk to me, I will be here for you, OK? Come on, in your chair.
Andaction.
Oh, how I wish I was a lass.
I think I see those great clumsy hands spoiling my work.
(TEACHER) What bloody hands? Sorry, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, how I wish I was a lass.
I think I see those great clumsy hands spoiling my work.
Not a chance, May.
Don't you remember those two sovereigns you lent me? You needn't count it, there's ?20.
There'd have been more if you hadn't come so soon.
Bless your heart! And to think these these little fingers have been working so hard for such a lusty, big-boned chap like myself! Do not fear, for I have ?200 saved up in brass in Portland and Pentonville.
?200! How small my poor little earnings will look.
For the audience, Fay, thank you.
Sorry.
?200! How small my poor little earnings will look! I was so proud of them, too.
Well, keep 'em, May Keep 'em to buy your wedding gown.
My wedding gown? That's if you'll have me.
Andthat's a wrap.
Excellent, excellent, Fay! Dalton, Moss, your scene's up next.
I'm off to the art department to see how the scenery monkeys are coming on with the set.
You did dead good.
You did dead good.
You were dead good.
He never said owt about me, did he? I thought you did really well.
What you doing later? Nothing.
Do you fancy rehearsals at mine? Yeah, definitely, yeah.
Are you toying with me? (MUFFLED AND DEEP) My little girl! You all right? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine, thanks.
Are you going to open the door? It's freezing.
I've just got out of the bath.
Come on, Lol.
Look, I've got Lisa a teddy and Some money as well.
It's just not a good time.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm freezing.
I'll have to go.
Just I'm at my mum's tomorrow, bring it round then.
You can see Lisa and give it to her yourself.
Yeah.
Please, Lol.
Please, Lol.
I'll have to go, I'm freezing, Milk.
See you in a bit.
I cannot bear you should trouble for me, indeed, sir.
Nay, never heed that muck-worm.
Come, dry thine eyes.
Thou's too soft for this life o' thine.
It's the fever, I think, sir.
I usen't to mind unkind looks and word much once.
Smell, what are you doing? It doesn't say do that in the script, does it? Where did that come from? I like doing the voices.
Yeah, doing the voices fair enough, but you don't have to start pulling my hair and hitting me, do you? Listen, thanks for helping me and that but you are just doing it a bit too much.
Look, I've gotta go anyway.
I'm off to Fay's and we'll be doing it all night, aren't I? I don't want to over learn it.
Can you help me out? Which one of these shirts are, you know, posher? I think you should wear that one, it makes your neck look less small.
I think you should wear that one, it makes your neck look less small.
I ain't got a small neck.
You would not believe the day I've had.
Honestly.
How can an office run out of staples? I mean, I said to Janet yesterday, I said to her - if you phone 'em before four if you phone 'em before four Janet! .
.
they deliver in the morning.
Know what I mean? But she's not bothered.
But then we've come in this morning and no staples.
But then we've come in this morning and no staples.
No staples.
I can't get on without, do you know what I mean? It's like she doesn't listen to me because I'm just a secretary.
But I said to her, Janet, I'm doing as much as PA's are, you know and if this were my business I wouldn't let you run out of simple things like staples.
Bloody staples and everything.
For fuck's sake.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I'm sorry.
Hello, Ritchey-Roo.
Hiya, sweet.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine, are you all right? Did you have a good day? Knackered, yeah.
I was falling asleep, had a right busy one, yeah.
You not getting out of your work stuff? I were half way there and I fell asleep.
Your mum is doing us that special tea tonight.
Your mum is doing us that special tea tonight.
Yeah, I know.
I'm right looking forward to that.
Be good, won't it? Me, too.
Got a fit of the community spirits have you? You always were such a family person, weren't you? 'Must be the time of year, eh? Feeling maternal? Well, I'm shocked.
'I'm sorry.
I would have thought you'd be the one person in the world 'who would be happy to see me banged up.
'Best Christmas I've ever had, Denis.
Best present.
' Ah, Sir Laurence Oliver himself! Well, David Dean, we are absolutely delighted to meet you.
Fay has told me all about you.
I kneel before you! And all the rest of it.
My mam told me to bring some beer.
Extremely kind of you.
What have we got here? Oh, I say, Haymers Best Bitter, now, that looks absolutely sensational.
Well, we shall participate in these with delight.
Why don't you pop through.
We are just about to start our Christmas comestible tray.
One, two, two sibilance, sibilance, are we good? Hello, everybody! I said, hello, everybody! Now, listen.
This hat is only half full.
So all of you that haven't, make sure you do.
And I'm going to kick off tonight, are you ready? I've got it.
I've got it! Come on, Trudes.
I'm talking to you! Right, a Quadra tray of Christmas treats.
There we go.
So we have here, we have some mince pies for after.
We have Mrs Dean's sweet trolley and some savouries.
So why don't you tuck into those - some pretzels and peanuts and these Yes, just put that there.
Yes, help yourself and why don't we do one of these.
Here we go.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Lovely.
Absolutely splendid.
Are these, like, funny grapes? Which ones? Which ones? Are they not like grapes? Gosh, no, no, no, these are olives.
Have you not had an olive before? Well, OK, let me just demonstrate to you.
These are a, let me just Here we go.
Excuse me.
Do you see that? It's a stone and it's a dangerous beast because I remember shattering a wisdom tooth when I was much younger, when I bit down on this.
Crikes.
Have they got a stone in? And if you are not careful.
They look delightful, they look very inviting but if you just throw it in.
Crack! It can be a rather unpleasant surprise so one Just give it a go.
It's good isn't it? Nice? Tell you what, what I'll do for you is take one of these, just excuse my fingers.
There we are.
I'll give you a little in-tray.
One, two, excuse fingers, three, excuse fingers, four, excuse fingers five.
Dad, he can get his own olives.
It's all right, my little darling gosling.
Five little Christmas olives.
I'm going to help myself to some pretzels.
These are very nice.
There we go.
So tell me how did you get into the world of acting? I dunno, really.
The girls.
Ah, the girls, yes.
Hello.
Ey up, Trev.
Room for a little one? Yeah, God, come in.
Are you all right? Are you all right? Yeah.
It's cold I'm just watching Eastenders Chrimbo spesh.
It's fucking depressing.
What a night.
Cheers.
So how come you're not at the karaoke? Fuck that.
I'm not singing.
No, I don't blame you.
It's shit.
Is Kel all right? Yeah, you know, she'll be pissed by now.
You all right? So, have you met her yet? Who? Woody's new bird.
No.
Gadget has, says she's quite nice and posh.
I'm sorry.
She's a She's a fat pig.
Don't be daft, you don't need to say that.
He deserves to be happy.
You've done me, Mum, I can't finish it.
I can't believe it! Me, too! That was absolutely delicious, Barbara.
Was it all right? Was it all right? Out of this world, yeah.
Was it all right? Out of this world, yeah.
That were brilliant.
That was restaurant quality, was that.
Give over you.
And you can stop it an' all.
It's Delia's recipe I just did what she told me.
Right.
I'm just going to I'd just like to say a few words.
Oh, don't! He's not one for fuss, is our Richard, so I'll keep it short.
Oh! Shit the bed.
That were wonderful.
I'm sorry, lad.
You're going to have to hear me out this time.
All right.
You have been to hell and back this last 18 months.
You've had a rough time.
But me and your mum have been very worried about Are you all right, Dad? Both me and your mum thought you might never get over what Lorraine and Michael did to you.
But as they say, every cloud has a silver lining .
.
and you have found yours in the wonderful Jennifer.
Now, don't get me wrong, Son.
We've liked every girl you've bought home, but we've never really loved one until now.
.
.
we thought we may never see our Richard smile again, but you came into his life and a miracle happened.
It did.
That were really nice, that, Dad.
Are you finished? That was it, wasn't it? Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
That were really lovely that and I know it weren't easy neither.
Thank you.
You know I love you, don't you? You're a great lad.
You're a great lad.
You're a great dad, I'm very lucky.
Very lucky to have such a wonderful family around me, an' all.
And I loves you all, I really mean that.
Oh, we are doing this, are we? Hands.
That were lovely that, Pop, thank you.
?20! Oh, how small my poor little earnings will look! I was so proud of them, too.
Well, keep 'em, May, to buy your.
Wedding gown.
For God's sake! What if I forget all these lines tomorrow night.
You won't.
Well, if I'm forgetting them now, I'm not going to remember them on the stage when I'm dead nervous.
This is our big scene.
Just remember you're coming back from prison and you are going to ask me to marry you.
That's what the scene's about.
Just think, I'm going to ask her to marry me and it'll just happen.
Shall we do it again? ?20! Oh, how small my poor little earnings will look! I was so proud of them, too Well, keep 'em, May, keep 'em to buy your wedding gown.
My wedding gown? That's if you'll have me.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It was me as well.
Look, maybe it's just cos of the play, we've been spending loads of time together.
Faye.
I really, really like you.
I like you as well.
You've got a girlfriend, Shaun.
What if I didn't have a girlfriend.
I don't know Box.
Box.
No! Television.
Oh, television! Three words.
Second word.
Hammer.
BOTH: Screwdriver.
Er, round.
Round? BOTH: Sounds like Six! Sounds like "six".
Six, OK.
Fix! What the hell's going on in here? Where are you going? Getting fired out of a cannon! What's going on, son? I've gotta go t'work, Dad.
I've gotta (ALL EXCLAIM) No, just seriously.
Squires has asked me to do a fax.
It's gotta be in tonight.
I've I've just put the bolt on, son.
I know the bolt's on, Dad.
I'll just take the bloody bolt off.
But I've gotta do it.
I've got a big job here Just sit down and stay for this one.
Piggin' hell! I'm not sitting down.
Have you got any words? Yeah! We've got the second word - fix.
Er, fix? Er Er, Jim'll Fix It? Is it? Is it Jim'll? It is Jim I'll see you in a bit.
Brilliant! I've got a four.
I can see your cards.
Well, don't look, then! I'd put your ace down, if I was you.
Oh, really? I'm just saying.
There's so much shit.
Yeah, but I'm gripped For all the wrong reasons.
Are you putting an ace on a four? Are you joking me? When you've got a four, a six and a queen Arsehole.
Fuck's sake.
So I'll, ersee you tomorrow, yeah? Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
Break a leg, or whatever it is they say.
See you.
Bye.
(You've been a bad girl.
) (You've been a bad girl.
) (You've been a bad girl.
) This isn't real.
This isn't happening.
(Bad girl.
) It'll be OK.
(LITTLE GIRL) Mummy, come and play.
Fuck's sake, Lisa .
.
not again.
Mummy.
(YAWNS) Fuck off.
Turn it off.
Come on, mate.
Don't ignore it, Shauny.
You'll be late for school.
How many fucking times? It's not called school, it's called college.
Whatever you want to call it, Shauny.
It's dead sexy.
We need to get you a portfolio and a beret.
Why would I wear a beret?! It's a drama course, not an arts course.
Oh, stop being such a grumpy gums.
Get your fucking finger out of my mouth! Are you getting the bus? Is it going to be a late bus? I don't know, just normal time.
An early bus? (GROANS) In about half an hour or something.
Do you want to go for a ride? Please! No, I can't be bothered.
I've been wanking you all weekwank me.
No! So what? Please, wank me! Why? Cos I don't want to.
I can't be bothered.
My mum's downstairs.
Oh, well, just lend me your finger, then.
Oh, well, just lend me your finger, then.
No! Use your own filthy fingers.
Just put your little finger Just put your little finger No! Use your own fingers.
Oh, why? Oh, why? You've got all day.
Put your finger in me! Get off! I want you to put your Christmastailin me.
Oh, my God, that's disgusting! Britain was known for suffering from the British disease Stop doing that.
Not that toy, please, Lisa.
No, you can put that one back.
Oh, what have you done? Nothing.
No, you've just spilt water all over the floor.
About nothing.
CLIFF RICHARD: Mistletoe And Wine Very clever.
Very clever.
Very, very good idea.
He's demanding there, Mam.
He wants some of your toast, I think.
He's demanding there, Mam.
He wants some of your toast, I think.
He can't have it.
He's got some in there.
Has he? Has he? Mm.
Eat that there.
Eat that there.
Haven't you, eh? Eh, look at this! Room at the inn for a little one? All right, love? All right, love? Morning, Ritchey.
Are you all right, sweetheart? Are you all right, sweetheart? Morning, Mr and Mrs Woodford.
(BOTH) Morning, Jennifer, love! You can call us by our first names now, you know.
I keep forgetting.
Morning, Barbara.
Morning, love.
Does that mean she can she start calling you Dick now, Dad? I'll give you blooming Dick.
I'll give you blooming Dick.
You bloody won't.
Dirty bugger! I'll ring ChildLine.
Give you dick? "I'll give you dick.
" Ritchey! That is brilliant! That is a bit that's a bit near the knuckle.
It's a bit early for that, isn't it? Mam likes it.
Mam's laughing.
Just as well she's got a good sense of humour.
Just as well she's got a good sense of humour.
It's cos the joke's on you, innit? Do you want some toast, Jennifer? Oh, yes, thank you.
It's wholemeal.
I hope you like what I've got you for Christmas.
What is it? What is it? Morning.
Morning.
For the love of God, Sanders, will you put some clothes on, man? I've got nothing to hide.
I can see that, mate.
Shaun, don't be rude, love.
How's rehearsals going? How's rehearsals going? Shit.
What do you mean "shit"? I'm making an idiot of myself in front of everyone, that shit.
How can you be making an idiot of yourself? How can you be making an idiot of yourself? Because I can't act! Everyone else is amazing and I'mshit.
Shaun, you would not have been given the lead role in a Victorian melodrama if you was bad.
Well, obviously, cos I've been given it and I am bad.
You're obviously very good, the teachers have faith in you and I'm proud of you.
When I'm on stage Gadge and Lol and everyone are going to be laughing.
When I'm on stage Gadge and Lol and everyone are going to be laughing.
No, they're going to be supporting you and if they laugh it's because they're jealous.
Jealous that I'm looking like an idiot? Well, why are you looking like an idiot, what are you wearing? A stupid massive wig, side burns, top hatit's ridiculous.
Well, that's Shakespeare - you've got to get into character.
No, it's not Shakespeare! All right, well, what is it, then? It's Tim Taylor or something.
So you haven't heard of him? So you haven't heard of him? No, but I don't know my stuff, do I? Well, neither do I, I don't know what I'm doing.
I think you're just, you know, a bit nervous, that's all.
I'm not nervous at all.
I can't say anything right.
I'm trying to help.
I can't say anything right.
I'm trying to help.
You're gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
Whatever.
I'm off anyway.
Yeah, well, have a nice day at school! It's college! Oh, it's the same thing, Shaun.
What is wrong with him? What are you all doing? You don't have to come out every bloody morning.
The neighbours are looking, get in! Have a good day.
Have a good day.
Yeah.
See you in a bit.
Bye! See you, love! Get me the fuck out of here.
Every day.
I'm sick of it.
There he goes.
Right.
Cup of tea? After you, love.
After you, love.
Thank you.
(MAN) Cheers, mate.
Hello, mate.
Thank you!Cheers.
Oh, it's Shaun.
Shauny!Shauny boy! How we doing, son? Move up one for Shaun.
You all right? You all right? Yeah, are you? Yeah.
Good.
(SIGHS)I'm knackered.
Yeah, same.
Your hair looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
I got up really early today.
What shampoo do you use? I just used my mum's this morning.
Oh, did you? Hi!Oh! Let's go and see Nanny.
Here she is, Nanny's little angel! Yeah!Are you all right? Hiya! How are you doing? One minute, just wait.
Come on, then, come give me a cuddle.
Yeah! Here she is! Ooh!Steady! Come on, steady with her.
Oh, look, lots of things! You all right? You all right? Are you all right? Come on, then, let's get the teapot out.
Take that Noddy hat off, eh? Oh, that's better! It's not working.
How do you work this? How do you work this? Oh, I dunno.
How do you work this? Oh, I dunno.
Where did you get this fucking from?! How do you work this? Oh, I dunno.
Where did you get this fucking from?! Oh, it's only a teapot.
Oh, you'll trap your finger! Oh, steady! Right, go and put them on the bus.
Look, over there.
That's a good girl.
You feeling all right? You look like shit.
Oh, thanks.
What, she not sleeping? No.
Four times she was up last night.
Oh, Lisa, what are we going to do with you, eh? Keeping Mummy up all night.
Why don't you leave her with me today? Have a break.
Oh, I've got her at the community nurse at one so Shaun's got this play on Christmas Eve, I said I'd try and catch it.
I was wondering if you'd have her for a couple of hours? What, Christmas Eve? What, Christmas Eve? Yeah, then we can all wake up together.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Hey, Lisa, that'll be nice, won't it? At Nanny's on Christmas Eve? Are you sure? Yeah, I'd love to! I was going to go to bingo with Trudy, but I'd much rather have her.
Lisa? Are you going to stay with Nanny on Christmas Eve?Yes.
Wait for Santa? You're on for a right one, you lads.
Here you go, Taylor - sort yourself out with a big bag of weed, you filthy cunt.
Here you are, give us a smile and I'll give you an extra 10p.
Go on, seriously.
I'm fucking about with you, get out.
Eh? Milner, there you go, sort yourself out, mate.
Davidson, sort yoursen out.
Have a good Chrimbo.
Nice one, lads! You're not getting a bloody bonus, you've not done owt.
Pull your finger out.
Kenneth Squires, it should be in there.
Are you having a friggin' laugh, mate? Cos I've been through it three times.
Cos I've been through it three times.
I'm not bloody hell havin' a laugh.
They've not said nowt to me.
What are these? Ricardo, have you messed up again, eh?What? Bugger! Bugger! Squires, you bugger! I knew that, I knew you were winding me up.
I knew you were winding me up.
Had you there for a minute! I'm here cos I've a bonus for you, lad.
Get out! Bloody hell! The weight of that, eh? Yeah, yeah.
Very generous, very generous.
Check it out.
You could knock a horse out with that.
Let's have a do.
Bloody hell! Oh, ho-ho! Merry Christmas! Friggin' hell, it will be.
?100 there?150! 150!150! Bugger me.
Thank you, Mr Squires.
That's right generous of you.
Oh, not at Hey! And I've got more Christmas cheer for you an' all, son.
Go on? Go on? Guess who's been moved up to head office, eh? Go on? Guess who's been moved up to head office, eh? Go on.
Me! You! Unbelievable! Unbelievable! Eh! Fantastic.
Can't think of a better bloke for that job, you know.
You'll smash that.
You'll smash that.
Oh, heyand part of my new job entails finding my successor.
Yeah, you going to get someone in? Wewell, I've only got one candidate in mind, lad, I'm standing right in front of him.
You can fuck off.
Twat! I wasn't expecting that.
It's a joke! I'm joking with you.
What, like banter?Banter! Like work The lads do it all the time.
Hey! Oh, yeah! They're always causing trouble.
Oh, you're great cunt, you.
Aren't ya? Hey, hey, so I'm giving you the chance to step up.
Richard Woodford - Manager.
Certain ring to it.
Ring to it! Ring to it! Oh! Hey Brothers from different mothers! Hey, tell you what All that there, but listen Seriously, listen, I'll let you know after Chrimbo cos I'm going to have a right think on That is exciting news.
What did you say? After Just going to have a think on it after And I'll let you know after Chrimbo, cos you know what? Mam and Dad are very sensitive.
After Chrimbo? Only because theytheythey they're sensitive, I've had a rough fewfew months and they're worried about me.
And it's justit just seems like Your mum and dad?Yeah.
Like, common courtesy just tomention it to 'em.
That they've, you know Just OK it with my mam and dad.
They'll be fine with it.
They'll be They'll want me to do it, I'm fuckin' overwhelmed, I can't believe that shit.
You're just, you know you're a bit less pleased than I hoped for.
Oh, Bloody No, mate, I'm ecstatic! I'm ecs You're winding me up, you are, like down there, like, when we were by the computer.
I'm playing hard to get, you're being sad.
Eh? Grin, you great shit! That were too hard.
Too hard.
That were too hard, that, are you all right? Eryeah? All right.
Yeah? Shoved you a bit hard then.
Sure? Yeah.
Didn't mean to.
No.
All right? No, it's all right, it's all right.
After ChrimboI'll, you know Just, umthink hard on it.
I will do! The thinking is killing me.
Diddid any of youse catch that that documentary the other week about the, um, the achy balls thing? Oh, it wasit was dead good.
It was It was about this guy whohe had, like, reallyhorrible achy balls, and I mean, he didn'the didn't really know what was up with him, sort of thing, and hehe was He had achy balls.
And one of them wentinside of him, do you know, like, you know like when you're cold sometimes and they sort of go a bit hard? It went inside, even while he was hot, while he was warm he just he just What channel was it on? I think it was 4, think it was Channel 4, yeah.
What day was it on? SuSunday or Saturday, one of them.
It might have been Saturday.
I watched it.
Right massivemassive, really fat bloke.
Really sweaty, fat bloke.
Had problems walking up stairs and that? Just got himself in a right pickle with anything uphill No need to .
.
called Gadget? Fuck off, mate.
No, why are you Why are you talking the piss ? What's up with your balls? What's happened to 'em? It's hard this, man.
I'm I'm living with this fucking nagging, achy balls all the time.
Go to the doctor then, Gadget, you nutcase, man.
You sure you're not just wanking too much? Fuck off, Kel.
I don't wank too much.
That normally A problem with your balls like that, achy balls is normally fucking Cancer.
Cancer! Yeah.
Big C.
Fuck off, it's not I'm too young to have cancer.
I can't have cancer! I can't have cancer! Mate, it happens to young ones, it's, like, 14 to 25, or summat, that's the most prone.
It's all right, we'll get you a trip to Disneyland and you can meet Mickey.
Mate, will you There's no lumps or anything.
Man, you can have a feel if you want.
Man, you can have a feel if you want.
No, I'm all right.
If you think it's cancer, have a feel.
I'm all right, mate.
Fuck off, Gadge! Get out of my face.
Feel! Come on! It's not gay if you feel through the clothes.
Fuck off, man, seriously.
You're not actually touching it.
Get your fucking balls out of my fa I'll smack your face in, mate.
I'll smack your face in, mate.
Will you have a feel? I'll smack your face in, mate.
Will you have a feel? Fuck off, will she have a feel! Merry Christmas, one and all! Fuck off! Milk? Don't look at him, people, he will impregnate you.
He'll do you with his eyeballs.
You dick.
Fuck off.
Sorry.
How is everyone? You all look like you've seen a ghost.
Not seen you in ages, man.
How long's it been? A couple of months? Three or four, more fucking like it.
Really?Yeah.
Has anyone seen Woods? Hardly.
He's got a new girlfriend.
Yeah, fit as fuck, she is.
Jennifer, ginger Jennifer.
Posh.
Very posh.
Sound.
He He deserves it, man.
I'veI've written to him, but I've had no response or a reply.
I don't deserve one, but (BANJO) You'll get there, Milks.
Youse were like brothers and a relationship like that, you can't throw away, can you? Do I get a hug at all, cos fuck me, it's a bit frosty in here! (BANJO) Good to see you.
Mwah! Looking good, man.
Where's the girls, then? Try it on 'em all.
How are you?Good.
Good, good.
Kel, How are you? Are you all right? Here, meet Titch.
She's my girlfriend.
Ooh! Hello, Titch.
This is my wonderful Hey up! Less of that, we don't want another black baby on our hands, do we? So probably around this stage, she could be getting some back teeth.
Have you notice herred cheeks? Drooling? Fists in the mouth? Biting down? Biting down? No.
Her cheeks aren't red.
And, you know, she dribbles and chews on things like any other kid.
OK.
Well, that's a good sign, probably, that she is teething.
Um So what can we do? Cos I need to crack this today.
OK.
You could probably give her something like Calpol, and that'll get rid of the pain, take her temperature down and settle her, basically.
So if that works, that's the job, that will put her to sleep at night and you'll have an easier time.
Right.
It can take a couple of days for it to kick in, for it to work, so you could be looking at another few restless nights.
And it can come and go, teething, so she could be OK for a couple of months and this could start again So, really, there is no remedy? It's just par for the course, unfortunately, andthis is about the age when the back teeth come in, so that's probably what you're dealing with at the moment, and I know how tough it is.
Oh, do you?Yeah.
You got kids, then? I have.
Yeah.
You got a husband?Yeah.
Well, lucky you, because I don't.
Right? I do this all on my own, so you have fucking no idea what it's like.
Can you sleep when she sleeps during the day? Do you think I don't try? I'm doing the best I can, all right? Look she's doing great, and you're doing a great job with her.
It looks like you're doing a great job with her.
It's you I'm more worried about.
The last time you were here, you did seem to be re-experiencing postnatal depression Oh, God, here we go again.
Yeah, I remember that.
Yeah.
Some sort of fucking psychiatrist now, are you? It's my job to look out for you No, your job is to look after my daughter, right? I came here for her, not for me.
OK, I know how tough it is I'm up all night, I'm on my own and you're trying to make out like you've a clue what I'm going through.
If you ever want to come back and talk to me, I'm here.
You can leave Lisa with your mum maybe and just No, I can't! Stop trying to organise my life.
"You can leave Lisa with your mum, you can do this," I'm sure you can.
I'm sure it's lovely for you.
And do you know what? I envy you.
I absolutely envy every little bit of your life and I don't even fucking know your name.
But I can see that you've got a nice life, and I can see that you've probably had quite a nice upbringing, and you've probably got quite a nice husband, and you've probably got very well-behaved children that sleep at night.
I can see what you've got and you can see what I've got.
I know they seem like worlds apart Fucking monotone, that's all I get with you.
"I know this, I know" Do you know what? I thinkI think it's best that I go and I'll get some Calpol and we'll leave it there.
When you're ready to come back and talk to me, I will be here for you, OK? Come on, in your chair.
Andaction.
Oh, how I wish I was a lass.
I think I see those great clumsy hands spoiling my work.
(TEACHER) What bloody hands? Sorry, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, how I wish I was a lass.
I think I see those great clumsy hands spoiling my work.
Not a chance, May.
Don't you remember those two sovereigns you lent me? You needn't count it, there's ?20.
There'd have been more if you hadn't come so soon.
Bless your heart! And to think these these little fingers have been working so hard for such a lusty, big-boned chap like myself! Do not fear, for I have ?200 saved up in brass in Portland and Pentonville.
?200! How small my poor little earnings will look.
For the audience, Fay, thank you.
Sorry.
?200! How small my poor little earnings will look! I was so proud of them, too.
Well, keep 'em, May Keep 'em to buy your wedding gown.
My wedding gown? That's if you'll have me.
Andthat's a wrap.
Excellent, excellent, Fay! Dalton, Moss, your scene's up next.
I'm off to the art department to see how the scenery monkeys are coming on with the set.
You did dead good.
You did dead good.
You were dead good.
He never said owt about me, did he? I thought you did really well.
What you doing later? Nothing.
Do you fancy rehearsals at mine? Yeah, definitely, yeah.
Are you toying with me? (MUFFLED AND DEEP) My little girl! You all right? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine, thanks.
Are you going to open the door? It's freezing.
I've just got out of the bath.
Come on, Lol.
Look, I've got Lisa a teddy and Some money as well.
It's just not a good time.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm freezing.
I'll have to go.
Just I'm at my mum's tomorrow, bring it round then.
You can see Lisa and give it to her yourself.
Yeah.
Please, Lol.
Please, Lol.
I'll have to go, I'm freezing, Milk.
See you in a bit.
I cannot bear you should trouble for me, indeed, sir.
Nay, never heed that muck-worm.
Come, dry thine eyes.
Thou's too soft for this life o' thine.
It's the fever, I think, sir.
I usen't to mind unkind looks and word much once.
Smell, what are you doing? It doesn't say do that in the script, does it? Where did that come from? I like doing the voices.
Yeah, doing the voices fair enough, but you don't have to start pulling my hair and hitting me, do you? Listen, thanks for helping me and that but you are just doing it a bit too much.
Look, I've gotta go anyway.
I'm off to Fay's and we'll be doing it all night, aren't I? I don't want to over learn it.
Can you help me out? Which one of these shirts are, you know, posher? I think you should wear that one, it makes your neck look less small.
I think you should wear that one, it makes your neck look less small.
I ain't got a small neck.
You would not believe the day I've had.
Honestly.
How can an office run out of staples? I mean, I said to Janet yesterday, I said to her - if you phone 'em before four if you phone 'em before four Janet! .
.
they deliver in the morning.
Know what I mean? But she's not bothered.
But then we've come in this morning and no staples.
But then we've come in this morning and no staples.
No staples.
I can't get on without, do you know what I mean? It's like she doesn't listen to me because I'm just a secretary.
But I said to her, Janet, I'm doing as much as PA's are, you know and if this were my business I wouldn't let you run out of simple things like staples.
Bloody staples and everything.
For fuck's sake.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right.
I'm sorry.
Hello, Ritchey-Roo.
Hiya, sweet.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine, are you all right? Did you have a good day? Knackered, yeah.
I was falling asleep, had a right busy one, yeah.
You not getting out of your work stuff? I were half way there and I fell asleep.
Your mum is doing us that special tea tonight.
Your mum is doing us that special tea tonight.
Yeah, I know.
I'm right looking forward to that.
Be good, won't it? Me, too.
Got a fit of the community spirits have you? You always were such a family person, weren't you? 'Must be the time of year, eh? Feeling maternal? Well, I'm shocked.
'I'm sorry.
I would have thought you'd be the one person in the world 'who would be happy to see me banged up.
'Best Christmas I've ever had, Denis.
Best present.
' Ah, Sir Laurence Oliver himself! Well, David Dean, we are absolutely delighted to meet you.
Fay has told me all about you.
I kneel before you! And all the rest of it.
My mam told me to bring some beer.
Extremely kind of you.
What have we got here? Oh, I say, Haymers Best Bitter, now, that looks absolutely sensational.
Well, we shall participate in these with delight.
Why don't you pop through.
We are just about to start our Christmas comestible tray.
One, two, two sibilance, sibilance, are we good? Hello, everybody! I said, hello, everybody! Now, listen.
This hat is only half full.
So all of you that haven't, make sure you do.
And I'm going to kick off tonight, are you ready? I've got it.
I've got it! Come on, Trudes.
I'm talking to you! Right, a Quadra tray of Christmas treats.
There we go.
So we have here, we have some mince pies for after.
We have Mrs Dean's sweet trolley and some savouries.
So why don't you tuck into those - some pretzels and peanuts and these Yes, just put that there.
Yes, help yourself and why don't we do one of these.
Here we go.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Christmas.
Lovely.
Absolutely splendid.
Are these, like, funny grapes? Which ones? Which ones? Are they not like grapes? Gosh, no, no, no, these are olives.
Have you not had an olive before? Well, OK, let me just demonstrate to you.
These are a, let me just Here we go.
Excuse me.
Do you see that? It's a stone and it's a dangerous beast because I remember shattering a wisdom tooth when I was much younger, when I bit down on this.
Crikes.
Have they got a stone in? And if you are not careful.
They look delightful, they look very inviting but if you just throw it in.
Crack! It can be a rather unpleasant surprise so one Just give it a go.
It's good isn't it? Nice? Tell you what, what I'll do for you is take one of these, just excuse my fingers.
There we are.
I'll give you a little in-tray.
One, two, excuse fingers, three, excuse fingers, four, excuse fingers five.
Dad, he can get his own olives.
It's all right, my little darling gosling.
Five little Christmas olives.
I'm going to help myself to some pretzels.
These are very nice.
There we go.
So tell me how did you get into the world of acting? I dunno, really.
The girls.
Ah, the girls, yes.
Hello.
Ey up, Trev.
Room for a little one? Yeah, God, come in.
Are you all right? Are you all right? Yeah.
It's cold I'm just watching Eastenders Chrimbo spesh.
It's fucking depressing.
What a night.
Cheers.
So how come you're not at the karaoke? Fuck that.
I'm not singing.
No, I don't blame you.
It's shit.
Is Kel all right? Yeah, you know, she'll be pissed by now.
You all right? So, have you met her yet? Who? Woody's new bird.
No.
Gadget has, says she's quite nice and posh.
I'm sorry.
She's a She's a fat pig.
Don't be daft, you don't need to say that.
He deserves to be happy.
You've done me, Mum, I can't finish it.
I can't believe it! Me, too! That was absolutely delicious, Barbara.
Was it all right? Was it all right? Out of this world, yeah.
Was it all right? Out of this world, yeah.
That were brilliant.
That was restaurant quality, was that.
Give over you.
And you can stop it an' all.
It's Delia's recipe I just did what she told me.
Right.
I'm just going to I'd just like to say a few words.
Oh, don't! He's not one for fuss, is our Richard, so I'll keep it short.
Oh! Shit the bed.
That were wonderful.
I'm sorry, lad.
You're going to have to hear me out this time.
All right.
You have been to hell and back this last 18 months.
You've had a rough time.
But me and your mum have been very worried about Are you all right, Dad? Both me and your mum thought you might never get over what Lorraine and Michael did to you.
But as they say, every cloud has a silver lining .
.
and you have found yours in the wonderful Jennifer.
Now, don't get me wrong, Son.
We've liked every girl you've bought home, but we've never really loved one until now.
.
.
we thought we may never see our Richard smile again, but you came into his life and a miracle happened.
It did.
That were really nice, that, Dad.
Are you finished? That was it, wasn't it? Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
That were really lovely that and I know it weren't easy neither.
Thank you.
You know I love you, don't you? You're a great lad.
You're a great lad.
You're a great dad, I'm very lucky.
Very lucky to have such a wonderful family around me, an' all.
And I loves you all, I really mean that.
Oh, we are doing this, are we? Hands.
That were lovely that, Pop, thank you.
?20! Oh, how small my poor little earnings will look! I was so proud of them, too.
Well, keep 'em, May, to buy your.
Wedding gown.
For God's sake! What if I forget all these lines tomorrow night.
You won't.
Well, if I'm forgetting them now, I'm not going to remember them on the stage when I'm dead nervous.
This is our big scene.
Just remember you're coming back from prison and you are going to ask me to marry you.
That's what the scene's about.
Just think, I'm going to ask her to marry me and it'll just happen.
Shall we do it again? ?20! Oh, how small my poor little earnings will look! I was so proud of them, too Well, keep 'em, May, keep 'em to buy your wedding gown.
My wedding gown? That's if you'll have me.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It was me as well.
Look, maybe it's just cos of the play, we've been spending loads of time together.
Faye.
I really, really like you.
I like you as well.
You've got a girlfriend, Shaun.
What if I didn't have a girlfriend.
I don't know Box.
Box.
No! Television.
Oh, television! Three words.
Second word.
Hammer.
BOTH: Screwdriver.
Er, round.
Round? BOTH: Sounds like Six! Sounds like "six".
Six, OK.
Fix! What the hell's going on in here? Where are you going? Getting fired out of a cannon! What's going on, son? I've gotta go t'work, Dad.
I've gotta (ALL EXCLAIM) No, just seriously.
Squires has asked me to do a fax.
It's gotta be in tonight.
I've I've just put the bolt on, son.
I know the bolt's on, Dad.
I'll just take the bloody bolt off.
But I've gotta do it.
I've got a big job here Just sit down and stay for this one.
Piggin' hell! I'm not sitting down.
Have you got any words? Yeah! We've got the second word - fix.
Er, fix? Er Er, Jim'll Fix It? Is it? Is it Jim'll? It is Jim I'll see you in a bit.
Brilliant! I've got a four.
I can see your cards.
Well, don't look, then! I'd put your ace down, if I was you.
Oh, really? I'm just saying.
There's so much shit.
Yeah, but I'm gripped For all the wrong reasons.
Are you putting an ace on a four? Are you joking me? When you've got a four, a six and a queen Arsehole.
Fuck's sake.
So I'll, ersee you tomorrow, yeah? Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
Break a leg, or whatever it is they say.
See you.
Bye.
(You've been a bad girl.
) (You've been a bad girl.
) (You've been a bad girl.
) This isn't real.
This isn't happening.
(Bad girl.
) It'll be OK.