Top Gear (US) s02e01 Episode Script
Texas
1 Now on Top Gear With gas prices rising, we head to Texas to prove that 2-door cars can do everything trucks can do.
What could possibly go wrong? This is our signal! 14% of all trucks in this country are sold in the lone star state, but with gas prices rising daily, driving a pickup is getting expensive.
So "Top Gear" decided to find an economical replacement for the truck.
The catch was we could only spend $2,000.
We met in Lubbock.
This is the perfect small car for pickup duty A 1975 Ford Maverick.
It's rear-wheel drive, simple, truck-like rear suspension, and it was built on the Ford Falcon platform, which Ford also used for their Ranchero, their version of the Chevy El Camino, which was half-truck.
So, technically, this car is half-truck.
Oh, my God.
You're kidding me.
To break my heart Of course.
[Bleep.]
Adam, how old are you, really? Is there some sort of geriatrics' craigslist that I don't know about? How do you find all these mid '70s piles? What do you have, a trust fund? I mean, this is one of the most famous cars in the world, the BMW 3 series.
Uh-huh.
This is the 325e, the "e" meaning "efficiency," but it's German engineering Or "effeminate.
" No, this is the ultimate driving machine.
Stop it.
Every rich girl got this car when their parents got divorced and daddy felt guilty.
Yes, but it also has a lot of sophisticated engineering.
There's probably more technology in this car than any new pickup truck sold.
Yes, which is more things to go wrong.
That is simple, my friend.
I'm pretty sure you missed the whole point of what we're trying to do here.
Out of $2,000, you could have bought any car in the world for that money, and you chose a mid '70s Maverick.
I can't imagine that you thought this would replace a pickup truck.
What were you thinking with that? It's German.
It's utilitarian.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness.
That is exactly the opposite of what I would have seen Rutledge in.
What's wrong with him? Did you not un Sorry.
Did you not understand what the challenge was? This is the ultimate pickup replacement.
It's rear-wheel drive, just like a truck.
It's a lot roomier than people would think.
Sighted people? And it's a convertible.
It converts into a beautiful sports coupe when I put the top down.
Look at this.
This is all my truck bed.
I could stack sheets of plywood on here.
I could do anything I want.
It's just like a truck.
But it gets great miles per gallon.
I mean, it's peppy.
"Peppy"? I'm amazed you can actually pile in this thing with the roof on.
You guys, if gas is $4 a gallon, this is the best choice you could make.
I'm just gonna go out on a guess here.
I'm guessing old man's river's Maverick is yours.
Correct.
Let me guess Is that your country-club special there, the BMW? Yes, it is.
Did it come with a white-wine-spritzer dispenser? No, no.
Maybe like a package of Bartles & Jaymes? You remember.
You used to hang out with those guys, didn't you? Moving on "Welcome to Texas, gentlemen", "which, as you know, is the truck capital of America.
"Now, to find out if your compact cars "can stand up against pickup trucks, "you've been entered in one of Texas's "favorite truck-based sporting events "500 miles from here.
"Before you get there, you will need to prove your car's worth "by competing in tasks that are part of daily life "here in Texas.
Your first challenge is 250 miles away.
" How many times will you need to stop for gas in that? I'll make it.
Don't you worry.
Why do they never put a back window? Don't they know that that's dangerous to not have that protection back there? Okay, let's mount up, boys.
You'll be fine.
That's a cow Patty.
That's how we're gonna start this? Let's go! It is Texas.
Oh, it smells bad, too.
Oh [Bleep.]
I got screws falling out.
That can't be good.
We didn't get far before we were met by the local welcoming committee.
Oh, sh Oh, my gosh, that is a big, mean bull.
The Miata taking on the bulls Unbelievable.
The car is a little bit snug on me.
It's a little bit bumpy in here.
Oh, this is fun.
I'm impressed with my little 3 series.
$2,000 Slides around so well.
I can't see a thing.
It's just balanced.
It's torque-y.
The engine's almost like a little truck motor.
Ah.
This is where I lose my windshield.
Ohh! There it goes.
The Maverick just looks like it's gotten kicked in the balls the whole time.
Luckily for Adam, we finally made it to asphalt.
Our road trip across Texas would take us 500 miles, from Lubbock to Skidmore.
The first leg would take us 250 miles, to running-r ranch.
So, why a '91 Miata? Well, I wanted something that was gonna get good gas mileage, be fun to drive, and haul plenty of stuff.
Some people would see that lack of back window as a problem.
I see it as a loading point, you know? Just put stuff right Right through here.
It's hard to get that kind of freedom with a back window.
Now, the Miata did catch kind of a bad rap for being a girl's car.
If there was a girl's car here among us, it'd be Tanner's car.
I assume she's probably a cheerleader.
She has a boyfriend who's a star football player.
She wants to go to school and study abroad, but she'll stay in state.
The '25e is the perfect replacement for a pickup truck because it's over-engineered, it's robust.
It can handle a beating.
You can just throw stuff in it and on it and not even worry about it.
You could easily do most of the things you could do with a pickup truck and get 28 miles to the gallon.
That's 70 miles an hour.
Pretty good.
This is a 36-year-old car.
This is in pretty good shape.
It's comfortable.
It's got bucket seats.
The rear tire also a nice option It's in the back seat.
This car is gonna make the best pickup truck.
Rear-wheel drive.
It's got a v8 in it, pretty good ground clearance.
I'm gonna kill these idiots.
I think I'm gonna take a guess at your problem.
Go ahead.
You need a belt to run your water pump.
We can tie some shoelaces together.
Yeah.
You know that trick? No, I do not.
That's kind of fun.
So, what, do you just tie them together, and that's gonna be long enough? Well, no, you're gonna have to tie one that goes off the crank that runs the alternator and then one that goes off the crank that runs the water pump, and we should be good.
They're so happy.
Listen to them.
My God, look how old this is.
You know what I like about the car? It's fun to drive.
Fun to drive is what I like.
I look good in it.
Not now, but I will.
Really? You just keep working.
You're doing excellent.
You look good in it, and that's why you like this car? It fits your age demographic, is what you mean.
Okay.
Keep working.
If you're good, we'll get ice cream.
Actually, when you think about it, these cars are perfect to label the three of us.
The Maverick is old and out of style, much like Adam.
The BMW is pretentious, but not that fast, like Tanner.
And the Miata is sporty and affordable, like me.
Welcome to Bandera, fellas.
250 miles later, we pull into the running-r ranch.
I wasn't sure, but it looked like our cars would be doing something Rural.
Here I have the challenge.
"Cattle drives have been a Texas tradition "since the 18th century.
"Though some still use horses, "most cowboys now use pickup trucks to drive over 13 million cattle around the lone star state.
" We got to put cows in these cars and drive them 20 miles? Yeah, that's what we got to do.
"To see if your cars are capable replacements for the truck, "you will now herd 100 cattle 20 miles across the hill country.
" In In these cars? There's no way.
I can do it in the Maverick, baby.
Why? Unbranded steer Maverick.
How many cattle you think are named "Miata"? It was time to mount up.
Herding cattle over some of the toughest terrain in Texas would test the durability and ruggedness of our cars, but before we could get started, we were wrangled by some cowhands for some final instructions.
Howdy.
You guys are the real deal here.
Tips How are we gonna I mean, the cows are everywhere.
Got to move them like we do.
How do you move them? What we do is we use a "V" People on the sides and then a car in the back.
And that "V" is what drives them all over the property.
If we lose one or two, it's okay, or No, sir.
These are expensive cows.
You're looking at $500, $600 apiece.
You do not want to run these cows.
They'll lose weight.
They're not gonna weigh as much as they should.
"Run them" You mean physically, like you don't want to scare them.
Right, you want these cows to walk.
Rolling fat cows.
Yes.
The fatter, the better.
Is there anything that you can think of that cows just hate? Cars.
That's not good.
Okay.
These cows weigh an average of 1,600 pounds, and the bulls They can reach up to 2,800.
That's 700 pounds more than my Miata.
The last thing I wanted was to get them angry and start a stampede, so we tried to reason with them.
Hey, you guys, let's go the other way.
Hey, we're gonna try to go the other way, okay? Mother[Bleep.]
Let's go.
You with the horns, let No! That may not be working very well.
Hey! Hey-oh! Hey! Hup! Hyah! Hyah! Get! Hoo! Hoo! Hee-eh! Wha I'm just making up noises now.
Why am I just screaming things? Dare I say, I think they're following the Maverick 'cause they saw the horns.
Yes, they are.
They're just mesmerized by your car, Adam.
Freaking me out a little bit.
That's it.
They're following me.
It's working.
This is working.
Apparently they just like the Maverick.
Just keep on leading them out there, Adam.
Of course you're following the Maverick 'Cause you're cows.
If you followed the BMW, you'd be wasps.
All right, well, someone come up and take the right flank.
Yeah, I'll come up there.
I got the right flank here.
Remember Don't spook them.
Just get around them.
You guys heard the cowboys tell us a "V," right? Tanner, are you spelling a "Q" right now? What are you doing? You want to just kind of gently turn them.
Yes, papa bear.
The high-plains drifter got bored and wanted things to move faster, so he turned herding into a race.
Don't make them run.
Don't make them run.
Yeah! Are you kidding? Tanner! Whoo! Oh, geez.
Oh, geez.
That's it, Tanner.
I'm coming after you to make you slow down.
Well, I'm stuck.
Tanner, where are you? That is a huge, steaming pile of crap.
Our cars go hauling.
This is our signal! That's all right! You're doing great! When we went to Texas, I knew we'd see some really cool stuff, but the coolest thing I saw was a giant man stuck in a big hole, driving a tiny Miata.
It's not funny.
It wasn't my fault.
I followed you in there, trying to stop you from the stampede you created.
So, that was my fault? Yes.
First of all, it wasn't a stampede.
They were jogging.
It was morning.
It's what they do.
Second of all, you didn't have to follow me in there.
All right, you done? Yes.
Good.
Let's get back to the cows.
I was stuck.
Oh, gosh.
Can you guys give me a little push? All right, here, I'll give you a push.
One, two, three, push.
Go! Ohh! What the hell, man? You just ripped my top.
You'll be fine.
You should just get rid of the rest of this, probably.
Wait.
I asked you to push.
I'm gonna go get a rope.
Tanner wanted to prove that his Beemer was as capable as a truck and tried to tow me out.
Perhaps I should have chosen something with just a hair more ground clearance.
I'm gonna start off with some just gentle tugs.
Okay.
You've said that before, haven't you? You guys let me know when you're done! Why don't you go find the cows? Why don't you go yank your friend? There you go.
Ha! All right, how about you just back up? We'll try it one more time.
Okay.
There you go.
Oh, it's very impressive.
Keep going.
So close.
Yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh, that was almost it! Go! Go! Yes! Somehow Tanner's girl car was able to pull Rutledge's girl car out of the mud.
Yes! But now we had a bigger issue.
It was getting late, and our cattle had escaped into the trees.
Okay, I got them cornered here Gonna need some help, though, okay? I'm on my way.
Tanner, push them right! Come on! Cut! Cut! Come on, cows! Let's go! Come on! Hup! Hup! Hup! Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! Come on, boys! Hyah! Moo! We managed to wrangle them back into the open, and our cars were proving to be as tough as trucks Until someone got what they deserved.
Holy crap.
Okay, I cut a gas line.
I'm shutting my car off.
I mean, I think this thing is under pressure, so I'm not sure how well tape is gonna work.
It's just how well it will stick to it.
It's really kind of a joke to even try to put tape on a fuel line.
Come on.
You got to be kidding.
I was able to bandage up my Beemer, but it was getting dark, and we were only halfway into our 20-mile herding challenge.
Luckily, the real cowboys had a plan.
Hi.
What's this? This is home for the night.
This is home? This is it.
I love what you've done with the place.
What do you guys got, tents and stuff? There's your tent.
Here's a flashlight, and here's your dinner.
Really? I'm gonna use this to go find my way to the hotel.
You got to remember, we're gonna have cattle out here all night, and you guys got to kind of keep one ear on these cattle.
How are we gonna watch the cattle while we're sleeping and looking for scorpions? This has all been fun.
I've really had a good time.
But if you could just point me Adam, you're not going anywhere.
Yeah, if we got to sleep here, you got to sleep here.
You know what it's called? It's called cowboy up.
Cowboy up, damn it.
Just a little something for working so hard today.
Now we're talking.
Oh.
I think it's open.
A little whiskey.
We're gonna need to drink all this to sleep out here.
Apparently, we needed to stay with the cattle all night to make sure that they were safe.
Is it true that dogs and bees smell fear? Every animal smells fear.
You got monkeys? Are there monkeys here? No.
Another staple of the range diet was chewing tobacco, and, weak stomach or not, I was determined to cowboy up.
Can I try some of that dip? Oh, you're gonna love it.
It's wintergreen.
It's very minty.
Put a plug in there.
Everybody's doing it.
How much do you put in? That's good.
No, a little more than that.
Don't be a wuss.
Aw! That's where you're sleeping.
It's like coffee grounds.
You'll be fine.
Put it in.
That's terrible.
That's my foot.
Ugh.
Little bit better understanding for the old cowboys that pushed cattle from Texas to dodge city.
They pushed these cows from Texas to dodge city? Back in the cattle-drive days.
That's when cattle driving was invented.
My gosh.
Kansas to Texas, they pushed? About 2,000 miles, from Texas to Kansas.
Why do people do this? 'Cause it was right after the civil war Not the horses The dip.
Gah.
Oh, it's so bad.
Don't throw up on me, please.
I'm done.
I threw most of it up.
That's [Bleep.]
We will see you in the morning.
Really hope to see you in the morning.
Thank you.
Good night.
Good night.
The next morning, we got back to wrangling the cattle.
Our cars had barely made it through the first challenge, and there was still more to come.
Come on! Almost there, cows! I am the master of the beasts! There you go Nice and easy, big fellas.
Everybody in! Everybody in! Here we go.
Isn't this neat? Hello, friend.
I will take a tall black coffee, please Yes, sir Eggs and bacon.
And a hot tub.
How you boys think you did? Excellent.
I think we got them all for you, sir.
Think you got them all? Job well done there, yeah? We'll run them through, get a count, and then I'll tell you how you did.
Okay.
Fair enough.
Don't look like 100 head to me standing over there, but we'll see.
We gotta get out of there as fast as we could before the cowboys had a chance to recount the cattle.
Our next challenge was 50 miles east, near San Antonio.
Every time we stop somewhere.
Why is that funny? Sorry! My bad.
Well, what are we doing here? Let's see.
"Hauling is big business in Texas.
"The lone star state produces more than 7 billion pounds "of beef and cattle products every year, "which is all hauled to the customer using trucks.
"To find out if your cars are up to the challenge, "you'll each haul as much crop food as you can carry.
Most product moved wins.
" Crop food? Crop food Like fertilizer? Oh, my gosh.
Oh! That smells a little bit like That is That is crap.
That is a huge, steaming pile of crap.
I'm gonna throw up.
It is hot.
It's still warm.
It's hot? Oh, good.
Yeah, it's warm just from coming right out of the animal.
This came out of one animal? Oh, God! Smell my finger.
No.
Why would you do that? Oh, God, that's gonna be awful.
Oh, you poor, dry-heaving fool.
So, we got to put this in the cars without bags? I know one thing You're screwed.
We had to haul as much hot, steaming manure as we could to a depot 10 miles away, on the other side of San Antonio.
Clearly, we needed to modify our cars to optimize our cow-dung capacity.
All right, all this has got to go.
Here we go.
That's it.
Come on, Miata.
We can beat these guys together.
What? Perfect! That's your modification? What did you do? What did I do? I brought out my inner truck.
This is the inner ranchero that lives within the beast.
This is your idea of efficiency? It's buckets.
There is absolutely no need to put poop in with me.
Did you put the kidneys on the front? Well, it's an identifier.
It's an iconic symbol of yeah, 'cause you have to show everyone you're pretentious.
Still snooty.
There's no way these things are gonna hold on there.
You look like a donkey going up a mountain.
Oh, my God.
Is that carbon fiber? That is some cardboard I found on the ground.
It's cardboard fiber.
Yeah, and this used to be some carpet here.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You plan on putting stuff here? Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like an "l" here.
So, I'll pile it up all the way up there.
That kind of "l"? Is this your design? This will be a big What keeps the manure from going, like, in here? Well, I'll be going fast enough.
The wind will just keep it pinned down.
Are we ready? Yeah.
There's some machinery right over there, coming this way.
To see if our cars had the same payload capacity as a truck, each would be filled up with 2,000 pounds of crap.
Adam was up first.
The Maverick had already broken down once already, so it was really gonna struggle with a ton of number two weighing it down.
Go time.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, just right on in there.
Oh! Oh! Oh, it's hot! Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, it smells so bad.
He's got no accuracy with that thing.
You see? It just sort of falls everywhere.
I think that's enough to beat them, my friend.
Thank you! One more, maybe? Yeah? Don't listen to him.
Probably fit another one in there.
It's holding it.
Look at The back is completely flat.
Oh, my God! Oh, it's in my eyes.
There's no way that car can take that.
Oh, yeah? It smells.
Keep going.
Oh, that's so bad.
He's gonna have to get a lot in there to beat what your car did.
How can such a smart guy have such a dumb idea? I don't know.
This is gonna be the best part.
Watch this.
Oh, yes.
There you go.
It's a [Bleep.]
Storm.
Just crush the roof.
He's putting on chapstick.
That's it.
Perfect.
He's never gonna get out of there.
That's it.
Keep coming.
You got it.
There you go.
Rock it.
You're, uh, kidney's dragging just a little bit.
There you go.
That's it.
Tanner's barrel concept may have kept him comfortable, but his BMW looked like a weird albino pack mule.
I was up next.
We'll use this as "good," this as "bad.
" Okay.
Okay? All right, "good," "bad.
" Let's do it, Mike! Oh, my gosh, he's getting a full scoop.
My glasses are fogging up a little from the goggles.
Right.
Oh, sweet [Bleep.]
Oh, oh, God.
Oh! Oh! We've managed to make it halfway across Texas, and nobody was in the lead.
So, now we are on the middle of our next challenge, which is hauling manure.
Yeah, that's something you want to finish once you start it.
Did you like that challenge, my friend? I did not care for that.
Really? I can't imagine why.
Yeah, I just I don't think fun is throwing up all day long.
So, no, I did not have fun.
He's not kidding.
Watch this.
Oh, sweet [Bleep.]
Oh, oh, God.
Oh! Oh! Oh, this is awful! That's all right.
You're doing great.
Oh, this is a bad idea! This is such a bad idea.
That bucket holds so much.
It's over his head.
Look at that.
It's still coming.
It's raining.
Well, the cardboard's holding.
You're golden from here on in.
Oh! Oh, the trunk! The trunk is in the back! The worst part's the whining.
[Bleep.]
This was our signal! Oh, we're good? That's That's good there! I'll just It's in my shoes! That counts.
It's everywhere.
It's inside me.
That's all right.
You might need that.
That could be your reserve thing that makes you win.
How versatile is this thing? Look at that.
Look at all the room you got.
I mean, if you can let him just put a little bit more in here You can fit all up in there.
Yeah, that's it.
You know what? Load it up again, Mike! There you go.
Load it up again! Attaboy.
But, hey, why don't you try to not, um Not cover me as much as the open parts of the car? Try that this time.
Mike, you're doing awesome.
There he goes.
That's gonna be good.
Oh.
Oh [Bleep.]
Oh, that's scary.
Okay, okay! Yeah! That's good! It's good? All right, let's get on the road! All right, pal, good luck! Hold your breath if it gets bad! That went pretty well.
Now, I was prepared for what was gonna happen.
So, now I just have to figure out how to hang these appropriately.
Oh, that is delicious.
But there was a design flaw I didn't plan on.
I can't see anything beyond just immediately in front of me.
This was a bad idea.
I can't see to the right.
What are you doing?! I sai I can't see anything from Come on! That's That's You know what? Now you lose this Knock all that stuff off.
That's just about as much as you knocked off of mine.
Well, can you do the rest of the windshield? 'Cause I can't see a thing.
With 10 miles of open road and a truckload of cargo, what could possibly go wrong? This is such a bad idea.
It is a really, really nice day out.
We couldn't have asked for better weather.
It is like a tornado of crap in here.
Over in the Maverick, Adam was starting to second-guess his design.
Ugh! Ohh! Ohh, that's terrible.
I can't see! That's not better.
That's not better.
Please stop doing that.
It feels like you're sand-blasting my face.
I doubt there are many pickup trucks that can afford the kind of luxury I'm experiencing right now.
Oh [Bleep.]
Ugh [Bleep.]
Me.
You don't have any lotion, do you? My left hand, for some reason, is really drying up in this heat.
What's the golf report, Buffy? Tanner, do you want to stop and get a pedicure before we have to unload this stuff? Adam's car is officially smoking and steaming back there.
Oh, it's fine! Keep going! Ugh.
Down my shirt! We decided to take a shortcut through downtown San Antonio.
How much further we got? Wow, that's the alamo.
Holy cow.
You're not Sorry.
Seriously? Uh-oh.
Oh [Bleep.]
Come on, honey, don't do this.
The Maverick overheated Again.
Damn it.
Come on.
Not now.
And it couldn't have happened in a worse place.
I know it's hot.
If you wouldn't mind stepping out of the air-conditioning, I'd appreciate it.
It is kind of warm out here.
What's up? Doesn't look too good.
All the manure in your engine? No, the smoke.
Whew! It smells funny in there.
Yeah, that's the manure.
You know what? It's made it this far.
I'd just say throttle down.
All right.
Isn't the alamo nice? It is nice.
Look, we're blocking traffic.
Let's go.
Leave that alone.
Get in the car and leave that alone.
Aw, really? Wow.
It's like I keep thinking, "how could my day get worse?" Ohh! Really? Come on! Sorry! Let's go! We left calling cards at the alamo and got out of the city before we started another battle.
Tanner may have been comfortable, but he wasn't making it very pleasant for anyone around him.
That's your bucket.
You caught my bucket.
It was in the middle of the road.
Don't let it go.
So, in our journey across Texas, we have lost cattle, we've slept with scorpions, we've had to haul crap around.
I mean, this is has got to be one of the most hard-core, difficult challenges we've ever done.
For who? For all of us.
You sat in the air-conditioning the entire time, putting on makeup.
Putting on makeup? It was chapstick.
It looked a lot like lip gloss.
Medicated chapstick.
Well, it doesn't really matter 'cause we're about to see what happens when you take that posh little 3 series to the weigh-in.
Can you guys get that out? Yeah.
It's not funny! That was my leg.
You want me to help or not? That was the manure.
I didn't do that.
Bunch of [Bleep.]
I didn't do that.
Rutledge, drive up on this curb.
Get ready to jump onto the wall if he can't stop.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Good! Good! Almost.
Go ahead! Keep going.
Keep pushing.
"Keep going," did you say? All right, we got it.
There's still mulch in it.
I'm gonna take it.
I'm taking it.
No! No, no, no, no, I'm taking it.
This is valuable.
Now there's not.
Now you can take it.
Finally, after a long and stinky drive, we neared the weigh station to see who had hauled the biggest load.
Really? Okay, so, how is this gonna work? All right, we take the manufacturer's weight, subtract it from the actual weight of what we have here.
Okay, go.
Stop.
1,420 pounds of crap.
Yes.
1,400 pounds was a lot of weight for my Maverick.
Mr.
country club's car weighed in next.
270 pounds.
There's no way.
That weighs less than him.
You know, that's I'm just gonna leave that one alone.
It does.
You have a big frame.
I'll drop your calculator.
If my Miata wasn't carrying more than 1,400 pounds of crop food, I would lose, making Adam the one most full of crap.
570 pounds.
Children, children, will you never learn? My truck is the champion.
Despite that it's barely running, you're correct.
What's next? I'll tell you what's next.
"Your final challenge will be the ultimate test of your vehicle's brawn.
" Like we haven't done that already.
"You have 12 hours to prepare your vehicles to compete "in one of Texas's most cherished motor sports Monster-truck racing"? Monster-truck racing? With that? "Last truck standing wins double points.
" Double poin Let me see.
It said That's what it said.
It doesn't say that.
Let me see.
That's what it said.
Adam's Maverick may have won the challenge, but it was falling apart.
And with one challenge left, I knew that my monster-truck Miata would beat them both.
But first we had to unload our precious cargo.
What's he doing? What's he doing? Real mature.
Oh, you want to ride with me? Here, let me just dig out your seat.
This is ridiculous.
We modified our cars overnight.
It's standard for somebody to put on bigger tires and add on aftermarket parts to a truck.
Racing the modified cars would test the integrity of our cars and squeeze out whatever power the engines still had left.
I don't know how you made that thing look so menacing.
That brush guard is It's awesome.
Did you see the wings? See the side of the door? Yeah, I saw your "Maverick" doors.
I decided to go for a mean, "stay out of my way, I'm a Miata" look, something menacing.
Have you ever seen a bigger Miata? I can honestly say that is the biggest Miata I have ever seen.
That exhaust pipe is compensating for something, I think.
What? My design was classic and practical.
This was a race, not a beauty pageant.
You guys decorated your stuff up.
I mean, the Beemer was perfect the way she was, right? You could probably go over all the speed bumps at the Beverly center in this thing.
It's a design specification.
We should have done this days ago, obviously, but we're out here.
We got to race them.
We would race six times around this obstacle-filled dirt track.
The winning car would be crowned the best 2-door car/truck.
And the race was on.
Why did we not think of this sooner? I know.
What are we messing around with cow manure for? I was focused and took an early lead.
So, naturally, Tanner began to cheat.
But neither of them could catch me.
I was in the lead Two laps down, and my 36-year-old Maverick was bound for victory.
Boys, I'm on fire.
Might want to get away from this.
It's burning.
Our 2-door cars had made it 500 miles through Texas, and my Maverick was proving to be the best truck replacement.
It was the king of the ranch They're just mesmerized by your car, Adam.
Yes, they are.
Had the most hauling capacity Ugh! Ohh! And was in the lead in our final challenge.
And then this happened.
Boys, I'm on fire.
Might want to get away from this.
It's burning.
What happened? I think it's on fire.
I'm not sure.
Did you think, when he said, "I'm on fire" Didn't you think he meant, like, he was going really fast? Like, "I'm on fire!" "I'm the king of the world!" You meant, "I'm ablaze.
" Yeah.
Burning.
Embers.
When did you first realize it was on fire? Flames When I saw the flames, that was an indication that something might be amiss.
Are you watching this? Ohh.
I just want you to know that, of all the times Tanner and I wanted your truck to blow up Er, sorry, your Maverick truck This was not one of them.
This was not it.
12 hours for 12 minutes Hardly seems fair, doesn't it? That's racing.
The Maverick Well, it was dead.
Straight back.
But we didn't want Adam to feel left out.
Why do we have to do this? I mean, you can't just be completely out of the race just because you caught on fire.
The Maverick needs to be part of the race.
It's the only American car in the lineup.
And now it's going to be a part of the race.
It looks like it's you and me.
Hey, all right.
Double or nothing, right? It never said "double or nothing.
" All right, rut, let's do this.
Hold on! No fire I'm good.
The best replacement for a truck would come down to the mighty Miata or Tanner's yuppie-mobile.
We lined up for the restart with four laps to go.
Oh.
Oh.
Whoa! Tanner may be a professional racer, but my Miata was lighter and faster than his BMW.
Only two laps to go, and we were in a heated battle.
Oh, no! Tanner! Ohh! Whoa.
Whoa! I lost a wheel! I lost a wheel! Oh! No! No, Miata! No! The only thing standing between me and victory was one more lap.
Second lap in, and I wrecked! I blew a t Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Come on! Tanner! He's out of it.
Rutledge is done.
That is some kind of sportsmanship.
Oh, my God! Whoa! Go, baby.
Almost home, almost home.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh! Yeah! BMW wins! Whoo! No.
You don't win.
You don't win.
First of all, I won the hauling competition, and I won the cattle drive.
You didn't win the cattle drive.
There was no winner for that.
They followed the Maverick.
You caught on fire.
So what? You can't win, catching on fire.
No.
He Ferrara'd another car.
That one's on fire.
You bent the Cadillac in half.
Because I drove it like a man.
A stupid man.
You broke every drive shaft in the state on that F-250.
That was gravity.
I came down on the rocks.
You drove on three wheels.
Yeah, that's pretty awesome.
It's hard to do.
You were in a monster tricycle.
Mine was the only car running at the end.
I win.
That's all we've got for you tonight! Thanks for watching! You don't win.
See? They're not even clapping.
They know you're full of [Bleep.]
That's all we've got! Thanks for watching! It's a lot harder to drive with three wheels than with four.
Next week on "Top Gear ," we test our first cars I'm starting to turn! Aah! And our dream cars.
I can't get enough of this car! The "pawn stars" race around our track Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow down.
And we find out which one of us had the best first car as a teammate.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
What could possibly go wrong? This is our signal! 14% of all trucks in this country are sold in the lone star state, but with gas prices rising daily, driving a pickup is getting expensive.
So "Top Gear" decided to find an economical replacement for the truck.
The catch was we could only spend $2,000.
We met in Lubbock.
This is the perfect small car for pickup duty A 1975 Ford Maverick.
It's rear-wheel drive, simple, truck-like rear suspension, and it was built on the Ford Falcon platform, which Ford also used for their Ranchero, their version of the Chevy El Camino, which was half-truck.
So, technically, this car is half-truck.
Oh, my God.
You're kidding me.
To break my heart Of course.
[Bleep.]
Adam, how old are you, really? Is there some sort of geriatrics' craigslist that I don't know about? How do you find all these mid '70s piles? What do you have, a trust fund? I mean, this is one of the most famous cars in the world, the BMW 3 series.
Uh-huh.
This is the 325e, the "e" meaning "efficiency," but it's German engineering Or "effeminate.
" No, this is the ultimate driving machine.
Stop it.
Every rich girl got this car when their parents got divorced and daddy felt guilty.
Yes, but it also has a lot of sophisticated engineering.
There's probably more technology in this car than any new pickup truck sold.
Yes, which is more things to go wrong.
That is simple, my friend.
I'm pretty sure you missed the whole point of what we're trying to do here.
Out of $2,000, you could have bought any car in the world for that money, and you chose a mid '70s Maverick.
I can't imagine that you thought this would replace a pickup truck.
What were you thinking with that? It's German.
It's utilitarian.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness.
That is exactly the opposite of what I would have seen Rutledge in.
What's wrong with him? Did you not un Sorry.
Did you not understand what the challenge was? This is the ultimate pickup replacement.
It's rear-wheel drive, just like a truck.
It's a lot roomier than people would think.
Sighted people? And it's a convertible.
It converts into a beautiful sports coupe when I put the top down.
Look at this.
This is all my truck bed.
I could stack sheets of plywood on here.
I could do anything I want.
It's just like a truck.
But it gets great miles per gallon.
I mean, it's peppy.
"Peppy"? I'm amazed you can actually pile in this thing with the roof on.
You guys, if gas is $4 a gallon, this is the best choice you could make.
I'm just gonna go out on a guess here.
I'm guessing old man's river's Maverick is yours.
Correct.
Let me guess Is that your country-club special there, the BMW? Yes, it is.
Did it come with a white-wine-spritzer dispenser? No, no.
Maybe like a package of Bartles & Jaymes? You remember.
You used to hang out with those guys, didn't you? Moving on "Welcome to Texas, gentlemen", "which, as you know, is the truck capital of America.
"Now, to find out if your compact cars "can stand up against pickup trucks, "you've been entered in one of Texas's "favorite truck-based sporting events "500 miles from here.
"Before you get there, you will need to prove your car's worth "by competing in tasks that are part of daily life "here in Texas.
Your first challenge is 250 miles away.
" How many times will you need to stop for gas in that? I'll make it.
Don't you worry.
Why do they never put a back window? Don't they know that that's dangerous to not have that protection back there? Okay, let's mount up, boys.
You'll be fine.
That's a cow Patty.
That's how we're gonna start this? Let's go! It is Texas.
Oh, it smells bad, too.
Oh [Bleep.]
I got screws falling out.
That can't be good.
We didn't get far before we were met by the local welcoming committee.
Oh, sh Oh, my gosh, that is a big, mean bull.
The Miata taking on the bulls Unbelievable.
The car is a little bit snug on me.
It's a little bit bumpy in here.
Oh, this is fun.
I'm impressed with my little 3 series.
$2,000 Slides around so well.
I can't see a thing.
It's just balanced.
It's torque-y.
The engine's almost like a little truck motor.
Ah.
This is where I lose my windshield.
Ohh! There it goes.
The Maverick just looks like it's gotten kicked in the balls the whole time.
Luckily for Adam, we finally made it to asphalt.
Our road trip across Texas would take us 500 miles, from Lubbock to Skidmore.
The first leg would take us 250 miles, to running-r ranch.
So, why a '91 Miata? Well, I wanted something that was gonna get good gas mileage, be fun to drive, and haul plenty of stuff.
Some people would see that lack of back window as a problem.
I see it as a loading point, you know? Just put stuff right Right through here.
It's hard to get that kind of freedom with a back window.
Now, the Miata did catch kind of a bad rap for being a girl's car.
If there was a girl's car here among us, it'd be Tanner's car.
I assume she's probably a cheerleader.
She has a boyfriend who's a star football player.
She wants to go to school and study abroad, but she'll stay in state.
The '25e is the perfect replacement for a pickup truck because it's over-engineered, it's robust.
It can handle a beating.
You can just throw stuff in it and on it and not even worry about it.
You could easily do most of the things you could do with a pickup truck and get 28 miles to the gallon.
That's 70 miles an hour.
Pretty good.
This is a 36-year-old car.
This is in pretty good shape.
It's comfortable.
It's got bucket seats.
The rear tire also a nice option It's in the back seat.
This car is gonna make the best pickup truck.
Rear-wheel drive.
It's got a v8 in it, pretty good ground clearance.
I'm gonna kill these idiots.
I think I'm gonna take a guess at your problem.
Go ahead.
You need a belt to run your water pump.
We can tie some shoelaces together.
Yeah.
You know that trick? No, I do not.
That's kind of fun.
So, what, do you just tie them together, and that's gonna be long enough? Well, no, you're gonna have to tie one that goes off the crank that runs the alternator and then one that goes off the crank that runs the water pump, and we should be good.
They're so happy.
Listen to them.
My God, look how old this is.
You know what I like about the car? It's fun to drive.
Fun to drive is what I like.
I look good in it.
Not now, but I will.
Really? You just keep working.
You're doing excellent.
You look good in it, and that's why you like this car? It fits your age demographic, is what you mean.
Okay.
Keep working.
If you're good, we'll get ice cream.
Actually, when you think about it, these cars are perfect to label the three of us.
The Maverick is old and out of style, much like Adam.
The BMW is pretentious, but not that fast, like Tanner.
And the Miata is sporty and affordable, like me.
Welcome to Bandera, fellas.
250 miles later, we pull into the running-r ranch.
I wasn't sure, but it looked like our cars would be doing something Rural.
Here I have the challenge.
"Cattle drives have been a Texas tradition "since the 18th century.
"Though some still use horses, "most cowboys now use pickup trucks to drive over 13 million cattle around the lone star state.
" We got to put cows in these cars and drive them 20 miles? Yeah, that's what we got to do.
"To see if your cars are capable replacements for the truck, "you will now herd 100 cattle 20 miles across the hill country.
" In In these cars? There's no way.
I can do it in the Maverick, baby.
Why? Unbranded steer Maverick.
How many cattle you think are named "Miata"? It was time to mount up.
Herding cattle over some of the toughest terrain in Texas would test the durability and ruggedness of our cars, but before we could get started, we were wrangled by some cowhands for some final instructions.
Howdy.
You guys are the real deal here.
Tips How are we gonna I mean, the cows are everywhere.
Got to move them like we do.
How do you move them? What we do is we use a "V" People on the sides and then a car in the back.
And that "V" is what drives them all over the property.
If we lose one or two, it's okay, or No, sir.
These are expensive cows.
You're looking at $500, $600 apiece.
You do not want to run these cows.
They'll lose weight.
They're not gonna weigh as much as they should.
"Run them" You mean physically, like you don't want to scare them.
Right, you want these cows to walk.
Rolling fat cows.
Yes.
The fatter, the better.
Is there anything that you can think of that cows just hate? Cars.
That's not good.
Okay.
These cows weigh an average of 1,600 pounds, and the bulls They can reach up to 2,800.
That's 700 pounds more than my Miata.
The last thing I wanted was to get them angry and start a stampede, so we tried to reason with them.
Hey, you guys, let's go the other way.
Hey, we're gonna try to go the other way, okay? Mother[Bleep.]
Let's go.
You with the horns, let No! That may not be working very well.
Hey! Hey-oh! Hey! Hup! Hyah! Hyah! Get! Hoo! Hoo! Hee-eh! Wha I'm just making up noises now.
Why am I just screaming things? Dare I say, I think they're following the Maverick 'cause they saw the horns.
Yes, they are.
They're just mesmerized by your car, Adam.
Freaking me out a little bit.
That's it.
They're following me.
It's working.
This is working.
Apparently they just like the Maverick.
Just keep on leading them out there, Adam.
Of course you're following the Maverick 'Cause you're cows.
If you followed the BMW, you'd be wasps.
All right, well, someone come up and take the right flank.
Yeah, I'll come up there.
I got the right flank here.
Remember Don't spook them.
Just get around them.
You guys heard the cowboys tell us a "V," right? Tanner, are you spelling a "Q" right now? What are you doing? You want to just kind of gently turn them.
Yes, papa bear.
The high-plains drifter got bored and wanted things to move faster, so he turned herding into a race.
Don't make them run.
Don't make them run.
Yeah! Are you kidding? Tanner! Whoo! Oh, geez.
Oh, geez.
That's it, Tanner.
I'm coming after you to make you slow down.
Well, I'm stuck.
Tanner, where are you? That is a huge, steaming pile of crap.
Our cars go hauling.
This is our signal! That's all right! You're doing great! When we went to Texas, I knew we'd see some really cool stuff, but the coolest thing I saw was a giant man stuck in a big hole, driving a tiny Miata.
It's not funny.
It wasn't my fault.
I followed you in there, trying to stop you from the stampede you created.
So, that was my fault? Yes.
First of all, it wasn't a stampede.
They were jogging.
It was morning.
It's what they do.
Second of all, you didn't have to follow me in there.
All right, you done? Yes.
Good.
Let's get back to the cows.
I was stuck.
Oh, gosh.
Can you guys give me a little push? All right, here, I'll give you a push.
One, two, three, push.
Go! Ohh! What the hell, man? You just ripped my top.
You'll be fine.
You should just get rid of the rest of this, probably.
Wait.
I asked you to push.
I'm gonna go get a rope.
Tanner wanted to prove that his Beemer was as capable as a truck and tried to tow me out.
Perhaps I should have chosen something with just a hair more ground clearance.
I'm gonna start off with some just gentle tugs.
Okay.
You've said that before, haven't you? You guys let me know when you're done! Why don't you go find the cows? Why don't you go yank your friend? There you go.
Ha! All right, how about you just back up? We'll try it one more time.
Okay.
There you go.
Oh, it's very impressive.
Keep going.
So close.
Yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh, that was almost it! Go! Go! Yes! Somehow Tanner's girl car was able to pull Rutledge's girl car out of the mud.
Yes! But now we had a bigger issue.
It was getting late, and our cattle had escaped into the trees.
Okay, I got them cornered here Gonna need some help, though, okay? I'm on my way.
Tanner, push them right! Come on! Cut! Cut! Come on, cows! Let's go! Come on! Hup! Hup! Hup! Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! Come on, boys! Hyah! Moo! We managed to wrangle them back into the open, and our cars were proving to be as tough as trucks Until someone got what they deserved.
Holy crap.
Okay, I cut a gas line.
I'm shutting my car off.
I mean, I think this thing is under pressure, so I'm not sure how well tape is gonna work.
It's just how well it will stick to it.
It's really kind of a joke to even try to put tape on a fuel line.
Come on.
You got to be kidding.
I was able to bandage up my Beemer, but it was getting dark, and we were only halfway into our 20-mile herding challenge.
Luckily, the real cowboys had a plan.
Hi.
What's this? This is home for the night.
This is home? This is it.
I love what you've done with the place.
What do you guys got, tents and stuff? There's your tent.
Here's a flashlight, and here's your dinner.
Really? I'm gonna use this to go find my way to the hotel.
You got to remember, we're gonna have cattle out here all night, and you guys got to kind of keep one ear on these cattle.
How are we gonna watch the cattle while we're sleeping and looking for scorpions? This has all been fun.
I've really had a good time.
But if you could just point me Adam, you're not going anywhere.
Yeah, if we got to sleep here, you got to sleep here.
You know what it's called? It's called cowboy up.
Cowboy up, damn it.
Just a little something for working so hard today.
Now we're talking.
Oh.
I think it's open.
A little whiskey.
We're gonna need to drink all this to sleep out here.
Apparently, we needed to stay with the cattle all night to make sure that they were safe.
Is it true that dogs and bees smell fear? Every animal smells fear.
You got monkeys? Are there monkeys here? No.
Another staple of the range diet was chewing tobacco, and, weak stomach or not, I was determined to cowboy up.
Can I try some of that dip? Oh, you're gonna love it.
It's wintergreen.
It's very minty.
Put a plug in there.
Everybody's doing it.
How much do you put in? That's good.
No, a little more than that.
Don't be a wuss.
Aw! That's where you're sleeping.
It's like coffee grounds.
You'll be fine.
Put it in.
That's terrible.
That's my foot.
Ugh.
Little bit better understanding for the old cowboys that pushed cattle from Texas to dodge city.
They pushed these cows from Texas to dodge city? Back in the cattle-drive days.
That's when cattle driving was invented.
My gosh.
Kansas to Texas, they pushed? About 2,000 miles, from Texas to Kansas.
Why do people do this? 'Cause it was right after the civil war Not the horses The dip.
Gah.
Oh, it's so bad.
Don't throw up on me, please.
I'm done.
I threw most of it up.
That's [Bleep.]
We will see you in the morning.
Really hope to see you in the morning.
Thank you.
Good night.
Good night.
The next morning, we got back to wrangling the cattle.
Our cars had barely made it through the first challenge, and there was still more to come.
Come on! Almost there, cows! I am the master of the beasts! There you go Nice and easy, big fellas.
Everybody in! Everybody in! Here we go.
Isn't this neat? Hello, friend.
I will take a tall black coffee, please Yes, sir Eggs and bacon.
And a hot tub.
How you boys think you did? Excellent.
I think we got them all for you, sir.
Think you got them all? Job well done there, yeah? We'll run them through, get a count, and then I'll tell you how you did.
Okay.
Fair enough.
Don't look like 100 head to me standing over there, but we'll see.
We gotta get out of there as fast as we could before the cowboys had a chance to recount the cattle.
Our next challenge was 50 miles east, near San Antonio.
Every time we stop somewhere.
Why is that funny? Sorry! My bad.
Well, what are we doing here? Let's see.
"Hauling is big business in Texas.
"The lone star state produces more than 7 billion pounds "of beef and cattle products every year, "which is all hauled to the customer using trucks.
"To find out if your cars are up to the challenge, "you'll each haul as much crop food as you can carry.
Most product moved wins.
" Crop food? Crop food Like fertilizer? Oh, my gosh.
Oh! That smells a little bit like That is That is crap.
That is a huge, steaming pile of crap.
I'm gonna throw up.
It is hot.
It's still warm.
It's hot? Oh, good.
Yeah, it's warm just from coming right out of the animal.
This came out of one animal? Oh, God! Smell my finger.
No.
Why would you do that? Oh, God, that's gonna be awful.
Oh, you poor, dry-heaving fool.
So, we got to put this in the cars without bags? I know one thing You're screwed.
We had to haul as much hot, steaming manure as we could to a depot 10 miles away, on the other side of San Antonio.
Clearly, we needed to modify our cars to optimize our cow-dung capacity.
All right, all this has got to go.
Here we go.
That's it.
Come on, Miata.
We can beat these guys together.
What? Perfect! That's your modification? What did you do? What did I do? I brought out my inner truck.
This is the inner ranchero that lives within the beast.
This is your idea of efficiency? It's buckets.
There is absolutely no need to put poop in with me.
Did you put the kidneys on the front? Well, it's an identifier.
It's an iconic symbol of yeah, 'cause you have to show everyone you're pretentious.
Still snooty.
There's no way these things are gonna hold on there.
You look like a donkey going up a mountain.
Oh, my God.
Is that carbon fiber? That is some cardboard I found on the ground.
It's cardboard fiber.
Yeah, and this used to be some carpet here.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You plan on putting stuff here? Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like an "l" here.
So, I'll pile it up all the way up there.
That kind of "l"? Is this your design? This will be a big What keeps the manure from going, like, in here? Well, I'll be going fast enough.
The wind will just keep it pinned down.
Are we ready? Yeah.
There's some machinery right over there, coming this way.
To see if our cars had the same payload capacity as a truck, each would be filled up with 2,000 pounds of crap.
Adam was up first.
The Maverick had already broken down once already, so it was really gonna struggle with a ton of number two weighing it down.
Go time.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, just right on in there.
Oh! Oh! Oh, it's hot! Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, it smells so bad.
He's got no accuracy with that thing.
You see? It just sort of falls everywhere.
I think that's enough to beat them, my friend.
Thank you! One more, maybe? Yeah? Don't listen to him.
Probably fit another one in there.
It's holding it.
Look at The back is completely flat.
Oh, my God! Oh, it's in my eyes.
There's no way that car can take that.
Oh, yeah? It smells.
Keep going.
Oh, that's so bad.
He's gonna have to get a lot in there to beat what your car did.
How can such a smart guy have such a dumb idea? I don't know.
This is gonna be the best part.
Watch this.
Oh, yes.
There you go.
It's a [Bleep.]
Storm.
Just crush the roof.
He's putting on chapstick.
That's it.
Perfect.
He's never gonna get out of there.
That's it.
Keep coming.
You got it.
There you go.
Rock it.
You're, uh, kidney's dragging just a little bit.
There you go.
That's it.
Tanner's barrel concept may have kept him comfortable, but his BMW looked like a weird albino pack mule.
I was up next.
We'll use this as "good," this as "bad.
" Okay.
Okay? All right, "good," "bad.
" Let's do it, Mike! Oh, my gosh, he's getting a full scoop.
My glasses are fogging up a little from the goggles.
Right.
Oh, sweet [Bleep.]
Oh, oh, God.
Oh! Oh! We've managed to make it halfway across Texas, and nobody was in the lead.
So, now we are on the middle of our next challenge, which is hauling manure.
Yeah, that's something you want to finish once you start it.
Did you like that challenge, my friend? I did not care for that.
Really? I can't imagine why.
Yeah, I just I don't think fun is throwing up all day long.
So, no, I did not have fun.
He's not kidding.
Watch this.
Oh, sweet [Bleep.]
Oh, oh, God.
Oh! Oh! Oh, this is awful! That's all right.
You're doing great.
Oh, this is a bad idea! This is such a bad idea.
That bucket holds so much.
It's over his head.
Look at that.
It's still coming.
It's raining.
Well, the cardboard's holding.
You're golden from here on in.
Oh! Oh, the trunk! The trunk is in the back! The worst part's the whining.
[Bleep.]
This was our signal! Oh, we're good? That's That's good there! I'll just It's in my shoes! That counts.
It's everywhere.
It's inside me.
That's all right.
You might need that.
That could be your reserve thing that makes you win.
How versatile is this thing? Look at that.
Look at all the room you got.
I mean, if you can let him just put a little bit more in here You can fit all up in there.
Yeah, that's it.
You know what? Load it up again, Mike! There you go.
Load it up again! Attaboy.
But, hey, why don't you try to not, um Not cover me as much as the open parts of the car? Try that this time.
Mike, you're doing awesome.
There he goes.
That's gonna be good.
Oh.
Oh [Bleep.]
Oh, that's scary.
Okay, okay! Yeah! That's good! It's good? All right, let's get on the road! All right, pal, good luck! Hold your breath if it gets bad! That went pretty well.
Now, I was prepared for what was gonna happen.
So, now I just have to figure out how to hang these appropriately.
Oh, that is delicious.
But there was a design flaw I didn't plan on.
I can't see anything beyond just immediately in front of me.
This was a bad idea.
I can't see to the right.
What are you doing?! I sai I can't see anything from Come on! That's That's You know what? Now you lose this Knock all that stuff off.
That's just about as much as you knocked off of mine.
Well, can you do the rest of the windshield? 'Cause I can't see a thing.
With 10 miles of open road and a truckload of cargo, what could possibly go wrong? This is such a bad idea.
It is a really, really nice day out.
We couldn't have asked for better weather.
It is like a tornado of crap in here.
Over in the Maverick, Adam was starting to second-guess his design.
Ugh! Ohh! Ohh, that's terrible.
I can't see! That's not better.
That's not better.
Please stop doing that.
It feels like you're sand-blasting my face.
I doubt there are many pickup trucks that can afford the kind of luxury I'm experiencing right now.
Oh [Bleep.]
Ugh [Bleep.]
Me.
You don't have any lotion, do you? My left hand, for some reason, is really drying up in this heat.
What's the golf report, Buffy? Tanner, do you want to stop and get a pedicure before we have to unload this stuff? Adam's car is officially smoking and steaming back there.
Oh, it's fine! Keep going! Ugh.
Down my shirt! We decided to take a shortcut through downtown San Antonio.
How much further we got? Wow, that's the alamo.
Holy cow.
You're not Sorry.
Seriously? Uh-oh.
Oh [Bleep.]
Come on, honey, don't do this.
The Maverick overheated Again.
Damn it.
Come on.
Not now.
And it couldn't have happened in a worse place.
I know it's hot.
If you wouldn't mind stepping out of the air-conditioning, I'd appreciate it.
It is kind of warm out here.
What's up? Doesn't look too good.
All the manure in your engine? No, the smoke.
Whew! It smells funny in there.
Yeah, that's the manure.
You know what? It's made it this far.
I'd just say throttle down.
All right.
Isn't the alamo nice? It is nice.
Look, we're blocking traffic.
Let's go.
Leave that alone.
Get in the car and leave that alone.
Aw, really? Wow.
It's like I keep thinking, "how could my day get worse?" Ohh! Really? Come on! Sorry! Let's go! We left calling cards at the alamo and got out of the city before we started another battle.
Tanner may have been comfortable, but he wasn't making it very pleasant for anyone around him.
That's your bucket.
You caught my bucket.
It was in the middle of the road.
Don't let it go.
So, in our journey across Texas, we have lost cattle, we've slept with scorpions, we've had to haul crap around.
I mean, this is has got to be one of the most hard-core, difficult challenges we've ever done.
For who? For all of us.
You sat in the air-conditioning the entire time, putting on makeup.
Putting on makeup? It was chapstick.
It looked a lot like lip gloss.
Medicated chapstick.
Well, it doesn't really matter 'cause we're about to see what happens when you take that posh little 3 series to the weigh-in.
Can you guys get that out? Yeah.
It's not funny! That was my leg.
You want me to help or not? That was the manure.
I didn't do that.
Bunch of [Bleep.]
I didn't do that.
Rutledge, drive up on this curb.
Get ready to jump onto the wall if he can't stop.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Good! Good! Almost.
Go ahead! Keep going.
Keep pushing.
"Keep going," did you say? All right, we got it.
There's still mulch in it.
I'm gonna take it.
I'm taking it.
No! No, no, no, no, I'm taking it.
This is valuable.
Now there's not.
Now you can take it.
Finally, after a long and stinky drive, we neared the weigh station to see who had hauled the biggest load.
Really? Okay, so, how is this gonna work? All right, we take the manufacturer's weight, subtract it from the actual weight of what we have here.
Okay, go.
Stop.
1,420 pounds of crap.
Yes.
1,400 pounds was a lot of weight for my Maverick.
Mr.
country club's car weighed in next.
270 pounds.
There's no way.
That weighs less than him.
You know, that's I'm just gonna leave that one alone.
It does.
You have a big frame.
I'll drop your calculator.
If my Miata wasn't carrying more than 1,400 pounds of crop food, I would lose, making Adam the one most full of crap.
570 pounds.
Children, children, will you never learn? My truck is the champion.
Despite that it's barely running, you're correct.
What's next? I'll tell you what's next.
"Your final challenge will be the ultimate test of your vehicle's brawn.
" Like we haven't done that already.
"You have 12 hours to prepare your vehicles to compete "in one of Texas's most cherished motor sports Monster-truck racing"? Monster-truck racing? With that? "Last truck standing wins double points.
" Double poin Let me see.
It said That's what it said.
It doesn't say that.
Let me see.
That's what it said.
Adam's Maverick may have won the challenge, but it was falling apart.
And with one challenge left, I knew that my monster-truck Miata would beat them both.
But first we had to unload our precious cargo.
What's he doing? What's he doing? Real mature.
Oh, you want to ride with me? Here, let me just dig out your seat.
This is ridiculous.
We modified our cars overnight.
It's standard for somebody to put on bigger tires and add on aftermarket parts to a truck.
Racing the modified cars would test the integrity of our cars and squeeze out whatever power the engines still had left.
I don't know how you made that thing look so menacing.
That brush guard is It's awesome.
Did you see the wings? See the side of the door? Yeah, I saw your "Maverick" doors.
I decided to go for a mean, "stay out of my way, I'm a Miata" look, something menacing.
Have you ever seen a bigger Miata? I can honestly say that is the biggest Miata I have ever seen.
That exhaust pipe is compensating for something, I think.
What? My design was classic and practical.
This was a race, not a beauty pageant.
You guys decorated your stuff up.
I mean, the Beemer was perfect the way she was, right? You could probably go over all the speed bumps at the Beverly center in this thing.
It's a design specification.
We should have done this days ago, obviously, but we're out here.
We got to race them.
We would race six times around this obstacle-filled dirt track.
The winning car would be crowned the best 2-door car/truck.
And the race was on.
Why did we not think of this sooner? I know.
What are we messing around with cow manure for? I was focused and took an early lead.
So, naturally, Tanner began to cheat.
But neither of them could catch me.
I was in the lead Two laps down, and my 36-year-old Maverick was bound for victory.
Boys, I'm on fire.
Might want to get away from this.
It's burning.
Our 2-door cars had made it 500 miles through Texas, and my Maverick was proving to be the best truck replacement.
It was the king of the ranch They're just mesmerized by your car, Adam.
Yes, they are.
Had the most hauling capacity Ugh! Ohh! And was in the lead in our final challenge.
And then this happened.
Boys, I'm on fire.
Might want to get away from this.
It's burning.
What happened? I think it's on fire.
I'm not sure.
Did you think, when he said, "I'm on fire" Didn't you think he meant, like, he was going really fast? Like, "I'm on fire!" "I'm the king of the world!" You meant, "I'm ablaze.
" Yeah.
Burning.
Embers.
When did you first realize it was on fire? Flames When I saw the flames, that was an indication that something might be amiss.
Are you watching this? Ohh.
I just want you to know that, of all the times Tanner and I wanted your truck to blow up Er, sorry, your Maverick truck This was not one of them.
This was not it.
12 hours for 12 minutes Hardly seems fair, doesn't it? That's racing.
The Maverick Well, it was dead.
Straight back.
But we didn't want Adam to feel left out.
Why do we have to do this? I mean, you can't just be completely out of the race just because you caught on fire.
The Maverick needs to be part of the race.
It's the only American car in the lineup.
And now it's going to be a part of the race.
It looks like it's you and me.
Hey, all right.
Double or nothing, right? It never said "double or nothing.
" All right, rut, let's do this.
Hold on! No fire I'm good.
The best replacement for a truck would come down to the mighty Miata or Tanner's yuppie-mobile.
We lined up for the restart with four laps to go.
Oh.
Oh.
Whoa! Tanner may be a professional racer, but my Miata was lighter and faster than his BMW.
Only two laps to go, and we were in a heated battle.
Oh, no! Tanner! Ohh! Whoa.
Whoa! I lost a wheel! I lost a wheel! Oh! No! No, Miata! No! The only thing standing between me and victory was one more lap.
Second lap in, and I wrecked! I blew a t Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Come on! Tanner! He's out of it.
Rutledge is done.
That is some kind of sportsmanship.
Oh, my God! Whoa! Go, baby.
Almost home, almost home.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh! Yeah! BMW wins! Whoo! No.
You don't win.
You don't win.
First of all, I won the hauling competition, and I won the cattle drive.
You didn't win the cattle drive.
There was no winner for that.
They followed the Maverick.
You caught on fire.
So what? You can't win, catching on fire.
No.
He Ferrara'd another car.
That one's on fire.
You bent the Cadillac in half.
Because I drove it like a man.
A stupid man.
You broke every drive shaft in the state on that F-250.
That was gravity.
I came down on the rocks.
You drove on three wheels.
Yeah, that's pretty awesome.
It's hard to do.
You were in a monster tricycle.
Mine was the only car running at the end.
I win.
That's all we've got for you tonight! Thanks for watching! You don't win.
See? They're not even clapping.
They know you're full of [Bleep.]
That's all we've got! Thanks for watching! It's a lot harder to drive with three wheels than with four.
Next week on "Top Gear ," we test our first cars I'm starting to turn! Aah! And our dream cars.
I can't get enough of this car! The "pawn stars" race around our track Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow down.
And we find out which one of us had the best first car as a teammate.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!