Travel Man (2015) s02e01 Episode Script
48 Hours in Vienna
1 Mini-breaks are a swirling nebula of nonsense.
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up.
But do not tether yourself to a rack and render yourself asunder, because I, a man who, against all medical advice, continues to call himself Richard Ayoade, am going to massively sort it.
BLOWS HIS NOSE 'Accompanied by a variety of medium-to-well-known faces, 'I'm going to take you hurtling through a foolproof maxi-mini-break.
' This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in the imperial splendour of Vienna.
Zwei Sturm, bitte.
Over 13 million tourists waltz up every year to cop some culture, chow schnitzel and sup at the city's famous coffee houses.
'In order to give the illusion of bonhomie, I will be joined 'by a travelling companion - the bearded actor Chris O'Dowd.
' HE LAUGHS CHRIS SPEAKS PRETEND GERMAN 'Together we near-scupper our souls 'in the pursuit of time-efficient travel' I'm running a light, I'm running a light! '.
.
break down Vienna's must-see attractions' Freud would have loved a lightsabre.
'.
.
and slip down a Freudian slope.
' Oh! GLASS SMASHES Ooh! I'm just so pleased it's not me.
We're here, but should we have come? CROW CAWS Shut up.
Vienna can be reached using any of the time-tested triage of train, coach, and plane.
'But for the time-poor mini-breaker, only the latter compels.
' Chris.
It's Chris, right? CHRIS LAUGHS So, have you been to Vienna before? Never.
Never.
I travel a lot.
Yeah.
I haven't had a holiday since our honeymoon.
Wow.
Yeah.
Not OUR.
Sure.
We're still in our honeymoon period.
'Cursory chat concluded, I activate the B-Tourist 'for some restorative in-flight solitude.
' What is it for? It's to ensure privacy.
I can see you, though.
Where's that sound coming from? CHRIS LAUGHS I It's like you're not here.
Dicky! Ah Dick! I'm so in my own world! 'After two spookily-secluded hours, 'we've arrived here in Vienna, 'where, if you keep your spending game tight, 'a weekend can be secured for 250 UK Sterling.
' Ah So, Dicky? Yes, Chris.
Here we are.
We are here.
You know I would go anywhere with you.
I know.
Why Vienna? Well, let me reward that earnest question with this answer.
With around two million inhabitants, Vienna is home to roughly a quarter of Austria's population, and as if that fraction wasn't impressive enough, Vienna has also been voted the city with the best quality-of-life in the world four times, something you would have thought could in no way be accurately surveyed.
It was home to Mozart, Haydn, your boy Beethoven, and your man Strauss, earning it the epithet "City of Music", and that's pre-Ultravox, y'all.
It was the birthplace of psychoanalysis, the sewing machine, slow motion, and the best souvenir in the history of all time.
Of which more in the dueness of course.
'In a city known for its opulent architecture, 'counter-suggestibility compels us to stay in a 1960s office block.
Hotel Daniel has rooftop art, its own beehives 'and Vespas for hire, 'as well as being one of the first results that came up 'after my Google search of "Vienna + popular Christian names + hotel.
"' Welcome to the Hotel Daniel.
Aah.
The Hotel Job was fully booked, so CHRIS LAUGHS We're here now.
Hey, how are you? Good, and you? You must be Daniel.
Not really! OK.
SHE CHUCKLES Can we check in, please? Of course.
'The Daniel offers some unusual bunk-down options, 'and I've arranged something bespoke for Chris.
' Thank you, Daniel.
You're welcome.
I know how much you like to be next to a major highway.
CHRIS LAUGHS If you need to make an exit Where are we going? We're going We're going to your quarters.
This? Yeah.
Room 777.
'Chris' room is 16 square meters of luxury 1952 Airstream Clipper.
' This is very popular with magpies.
CHRIS LAUGHS In you go.
That's really funny! Aah, bless you.
It's the first time that you've made me laugh.
Oh, I know.
Oh You've got plenty of head height, right? Caravan.
About right.
Thanks, Dicky! 'The luxury Belvedere suite offers well-wide views of Vienna, 'as well as a display hammock.
'But I have no time for display hammocks.
'Unpacking squanders time, and is a bourgeois indulgence.
'The Rise bag means I am ready to leave 'the moment I feel the heat in the city.
' The clock's ticking.
Yeah.
We've got a lot to fit in.
There's a lot of culture here.
Shall we just walk around the city at pace? I've got an idea that might even be better than that.
'The only obvious way to effectively blast all of Vienna's architecture 'into our eyeballs is to use miniature cars, 'perfect for two of the tallest men in light ent.
' These are your hotrods.
These are my hotrods.
Chris, that's your hotrod.
CHRIS LAUGHS Oh! 'Austria's worryingly relaxed vehicle laws 'mean these ludicrous dink-mobiles can be driven on actual roads 'amongst full-sized vehicles.
' Hey! It's the guy from The IT Crowd! What? I presume what you're saying is facetious.
Hotrod, summer in the city All of this area that we're driving through right now is the first district, OK? I can only take a man in a tiny car so seriously.
'Our guide, Florian, will take us 'hurtling round one of Vienna's most exciting ring roads, 'past the Opera House, the City Hall and the Burgtheater.
' This is St Stephen's Cathedral, guys.
Lovely church.
I think it was good to give that the seven seconds that that architecture deserved.
We have very small, tiny little bead shops.
Nice.
Do you have Dixons here? No.
Ohh They don't have a Dixons, Chris.
A lot of antiques that they would have stolen during the war.
'And if you're going to sight-see at speed, 'you must renounce all fear of collision.
' Watch out for the tram! I'm running a light, I'm running a light! We're really rattling through this.
We might be able to go back a day early.
'Our knowledge of Vienna has expanded profoundly, 'but, as with many things that exist in time, the tour must end.
' Oh, wow! Can I be frank? I'd love you to be frank.
I was impressed.
I thought that the buildings were very old.
That is an excellent observation.
Very nice, very clean.
It is.
It's like a massive Guildford.
Is there any higher praise than that? I really enjoyed that.
Good.
I'll not do it again.
Yeah, as with many things you enjoy.
Shall we dismount? Yeah.
With elegance.
Ohh 'After the giddy rush of the open road, 'we are now in search of head food.
'Vienna is dense with over 100 museums, 'which is more than two times 50, or four times 25.
'We're off to the quarters of Vienna's favourite son, 'Sigmund Freud, 'the father of psychoanalysis, and all round phallocentric fun guy.
'The Freud Museum is set in the very building 'that was his office-slash-home between 1891 and 1938.
'It now attracts over 80,000 visitors a year.
' Here we are.
Aah! Freud's hall.
CHRIS LAUGHS If that's not itself Freudian, I don't know.
CHRIS LAUGHS "On the walls, there is still the original decoration.
" It really He went for it, didn't he? Gosh, it's a bit gaudy.
This is where he was for 40 years.
This house? No, just this hall, he just couldn't get going.
Much like us.
Right, this is his waiting room, so this is where you would have waited.
Ah.
Have magazines and things like that.
He would have had, like, Fishing Weekly over in the corner.
Before you popped in.
All of this is alarmed.
You mean psychologically? No.
Literally, as it was in Freud's time.
CHRIS LAUGHS He took his security very seriously.
The treatment room.
Oh.
I think this is called The Hangman.
It's a piece of art that they've just put into Right CHRIS LAUGHS .
.
cos it can get a bit heavy.
That's his couch.
Lie down, enjoy yourself! Yeah.
I'll be behind you! It's not strange if I play with your hair? CHRIS LAUGHS The gift shop.
Ah.
Banksy's favourite room.
CHRIS LAUGHS Look, he's got an action figure.
The hands move.
That's useful.
Yeah, you can just transfer your lightsabre from your other toys.
CHRIS LAUGHS Freud would have loved a lightsabre! Aah.
I mean, that was the ultimate phallic Look at Darth Vader's helmet.
CHRIS LAUGHS 'For reasons of ignorance, I'm unable to say 'where Freud did his food shopping, 'but for the sake of this link, we're going to pretend 'he definitely went to the Naschmarkt, 'Vienna's famous historic market, 'and a popular meeting place for locals and tourists.
' It's been here since the 16th century - you knew that.
16th century? That's right.
Oh, great.
Where are you from? He's from Peru.
Chile.
And I'm from Chile.
Chile? Oh, what are you doing here? We got lost.
Falafel.
Falafel each? Yeah.
Oh, welcome.
Thank you.
Welcome, Chile! This is very nice.
If you keep going up and down you can basically get a meal out of it.
'These days the market is a glut of global gastronomy, 'but we're here to sample a local libation.
' We're going to try some Sturm wine, OK? Oh! It's partially fermented grape juice.
Oh, I'm in! Hi.
Hi.
I'm fluent, so I'll handle this.
OK.
Zwei Sturm, bitte.
Zwei Sturm? Yes.
Ja.
That's really good.
Pretty much, yes.
Confident.
It was.
I think that's half the battle.
It goes back to my days in the musical of Das Boot, um You were great in that.
Do some of the songs from the end, because there are people who haven't seen that.
# Ve are going down, ve are going down Down to the bottom of the ocean Thank you.
Mmm! The colour is very vibrant.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Danke.
To better times.
CHRIS LAUGHS Mmm BLEEP Wow! It's sweet but really bitter.
You cannot put a cork in the bottle because it will explode, cos the fermentation ain't done on this.
That's good, cos, you know, when I have wine, I always think, "Oh, it's too fermented!" Yeah.
'Stewed on Sturm fumes, our valves ache for the kind of appeasement 'that can only be provided by Austrian meat.
' I need Kasekreiner.
And I need it now.
CHRIS LAUGHS OK, good.
Yeah? What's that? It's sausage.
Oh! Kasekreiner.
And I have this app on my phone here Oh, you've got a mobile telephone? Yeah.
Good for you.
You just type in what you want, in this case, Kasekreiner CHRIS SNORTS .
.
and it will take you to it.
Do you have to be able to spell it? Let's get some Kasekreiner.
'Austria tops the EU charts for per capita pork consumption - 'the only chart that counts.
'In short, Vienna's sausage game is off the hook.
' THEY PAN Oh! Oh It's still open! Hey.
Hi.
Zwei Kasekreiner, bitte.
Ja.
Yes, this is sausage with cheese in it.
That doesn't have cheese, Oh, it does, look at that.
Yes, look.
The name literally means "pussy stick.
" Which is a shame.
CHRIS SNORTS Danke.
That's really tasty.
Yeah? I like cheese, I like sausage - what's the problem? There is no problem.
Except for your arteries.
Which I can feel furring up before my very eyes.
I don't really know what you do with the bread.
I think it's a lot like normal bread.
I'm going to eat it, yeah.
Yeah.
And it certainly helping to soak up the Sturm.
CHRIS CHUCKLES Shall we call it a night? And a victory for the Kasekreiner.
CHRIS CHUCKLES Let's! OK.
'And so, stomachs distended with fried pork and cheese, 'day one in Vienna draws to an oily end.
'Next, we go deep down underground' That's the smell of raw sewage for you! CHRIS LAUGHS 'My throat closes in on itself' RICHARD SNEEZES Oh Wow.
I'm allergic to horses.
'And shiz gets real in the souvenir shop.
' You have a vandal in here, you need to deal with that.
I'll see you later.
'Working actor Chris O'Dowd and I have completed no less 'than 50% of our allotted 48 hours in the Austrian capital Vienna.
' That's really tasty.
'Thus far we have beheld its beatific buildings' I think it's good to give that the seven seconds that that architecture deserved.
'.
.
prised open its subconscious' Look at Darth Vader's helmet.
'.
.
and quaffed the local rotgut.
' It's not unpleasant.
RICHARD COUGHS 'Like the conformists we are, we begin day two with what 'the Austrians continue to call breakfast.
'Tourists and locals alike throng to the historic Cafe Central, 'which, in just one month, catered to Tito, Lenin, Trotsky, Freud, 'as well as hateful, evil, fascist Hitler.
' Thank you.
'But we try to block out some of the 20th century's worst crimes 'with Austrian staples, apple strudel and Sachertorte.
' Now, of course, cake is a mainstay of Viennese culture.
You knew that.
Hm.
But Viennese people tend not to have cake for breakfast.
Oh.
But we are under time pressure, which is why we are having to chunder through this.
Great.
But you seem to have taken to it like a duck to water.
I don't think this is the first time you've had cake for breakfast.
Today.
No.
I'm going to ignore you.
THEY LAUGH Oh, dear.
I think this is how Freud came up with all of those ideas.
I think it was sugar rush.
Well, this is why everybody has a lie on a couch for so long.
Exactly.
They'd just hit Cafe Central too hard that morning and remembered something that their mother may or may not have done.
CHRIS LAUGHS That was dynamite, Chris, but we can't tarry.
No.
We've got to catch our horse and cart.
Now.
Come on.
Time is of the essence, Chris.
This us? That's horse.
'No time-efficient trip is complete without a ride on a fiacre 'and, for the avoidance of doubt, 'Chris has been warned not to comically mispronounce fiacre 'for the duration of the trip.
' I'm allergic to horses, I've discovered.
Yes, I've noticed.
I think that's in your eyes.
My eyes are gone.
I'm the horse shouter.
Like, there's so many horse whisperers.
Well.
CHRIS SHOUTS IN GERMAN It looks like I have you for the day, at the moment, when you shout like that.
'20 mins costs 55 euros and allows you to see the city while being pulled along by a horse, something my body cannot tolerate.
They have some interesting headwear.
It makes them look like they have joined the Ku Klux Klan.
RICHARD SNEEZES Oh.
Wow.
RICHARD SNEEZES You're a very allergic person.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
'Fortunately for my immuno-integrity, 'the fiacre has reached our next destination, 'the Prater amusement park, 'home to Vienna's most famous landmark.
'It's also where Carol Reed shot some of the 1939 Oscar-winning noir thriller, The Third Man, 'routinely heralded as the best British film ever made 'by people who haven't seen Maybe Baby.
'The Third Man tour takes in this 'and some of the film's other locations across Vienna.
'Our tour guide Barbara ushers us 'onto the Riesenrad, Vienna's iconic Ferris wheel.
' Lovely.
Welcome to Harry's place.
Very nice smell of wurst.
It's starting to feel sturdy.
Right.
So, they shot The Third Man in here? Yes, well, outside.
What? Not inside.
They did the exteriors.
But I saw them inside.
The inside of the cabin was filmed in London, Shepperton Studios.
The guy that did the prop, he was Viennese, emigrating in '38 to London, so he knew how Vienna looked like and he knew how the wheel looked like.
OK.
'Much like the climax of the film, 'this tour finishes across town 'in the tunnels of the city's sewer system.
'We're here to see the unforgettable location 'used in the film's final chase scene.
' Gosh.
Ah.
That's the smell of raw sewage for you.
CHRIS LAUGHS Ah.
I mean, I know it's not the same, but it's not unlike Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.
Wow.
Smells sweet, doesn't it? I'm more worried about the rats.
That's why I'm just keeping on moving here.
So, this is where Orson Welles refused to come when he was making The Third Man? Whenever you see his face, he was here.
Right.
Whenever you see his back or just his feet, it wasn't Orson Welles.
OK.
Good old Orson.
So, how long does this to last? Minimum of five hours.
OK.
Well, quick as you like, let's wrap it up.
OK.
Okey dokey.
Woo.
Wow.
Oi.
Mixed feelings.
That was It was disgusting.
.
.
everything you might expect from a sewer.
Any attraction where you need hand sanitiser at the end is something to think twice about.
I feel like, when you see the sewer system, it's like a city showing you its magic trick.
Right.
And that magic is how can we siphon off excrement as efficiently as possible.
Shall we leave? Yes, please.
OK.
Oh, sewers.
'Our Third Man tour was compelling, if acrid, 'but we need to massively get a wriggle on 'and hasten to our next destination.
' We are on a tram.
We ARE on a tram.
ELECTRONIC BELL RINGS I've just had an idea.
There we go.
ANNOUNCEMENT IS MADE IN GERMAN You have all of your ideas in German, don't you? I do.
Do you know what I would like to get, now, before we go? Tell me.
Get, like, a souvenir.
This is serendipitous.
Because we are only going to the snow globe capital of the world.
Snowglobia.
'The snow globe was invented in Vienna 115 years ago.
'A museum dedicated to their continuing relevance 'is run by Erwin Perzy III, grandson of the inventor, 'who guards the magical secret of the realistic snow with his life.
' What is the snow in these globes? To tell the truth, this is my secret.
What is it? It is snow for my snow globes.
It's actual snow? Yeah.
Let's have a look at some of those.
I would love that.
Can I lift that? Is that one liftable? Yes.
This is one It's a little bit heavy.
Be careful, cos that's Jeremy Clarkson's one.
Just hold it on the glass plate.
That is good quality fake snow.
Ooh.
There you go.
THEY LAUGH Oh! Ooh.
CHRIS LAUGHS That's a crying shame.
Oh, Erwin, I'm so sorry.
I'm just so pleased it's not me.
I can't lie.
I want to feel bad for you, but the relief that that wasn't me is so great.
Oh.
Careful.
Now you can see the magnification.
If you remember how big the car was before.
I've got to say, I'm in such a state of shock, I can't remember anything.
I don't even remember who you are.
I don't know why am here.
I just know we have done something bad and it wasn't my fault.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
Shall we look through Shall we go and see some more globes? Let's look at the other room of breakables, shall we? OK.
OK.
Here we go.
Oh, crumbs.
'In order to harness the potential for fresh disgrace, 'I resolve to see if there's any more valuable glassware 'in the joint worth scoping out.
'And there ruddy well is! 'A snow globe from Orson Welles's masterpiece, Citizen Kane.
' My grandfather made a snow globe for the movie This is good.
.
.
and this is a replica.
I'm just saying, don't do a stock inventory tonight because as soon as your back is turned, I'm taking this.
I'm taking the snow globe.
I'm going to be right up front.
Is it just normal water? Yes.
Austrian Alpine water.
Oh.
Water, silly.
What a silly.
Well, thank you very much.
Erm You blow the glass yourself? No.
This is Idiot! The glass globe, we buy from the glass factory.
The snow you make, with.
.
? Yeah.
I do.
I do.
Ah.
I would like to remind you, you have something in your pocket.
Oh.
I've no idea what you're talking about and you're being very passive aggressive, OK, which I don't appreciate.
It was lovely to meet you.
There's nothing in my pocket.
You have a vandal in here.
You need to deal with that.
I'll see you later.
OK? Thank you so much.
That was a pleasure.
'Souvenirs now secured, 'taking the spend on our Viennese whirl to just over ?500 apiece, 'it's surely time to definitively assess 'the city's suitability as a two-day destination.
'To do this, we have come to a tributary of the River Danube, 'Europe's second-longest river, 'which Wikipedia tells me flows 'through ten countries and four capitals.
'And don't even get me started on its drainage basin.
'To ensure solitude for our final foray 'I have, of course, chartered a battery-powered self-driven island.
' Cheers.
Chin-chin.
What have you enjoyed most about Vienna? I liked it a lot.
OK.
I thought it was very clean.
It is clean.
Nice.
It is nice.
I liked the hotel.
The hotel was dynamite.
I liked my caravan.
I very much liked the Third Man tour, up until we got to the sewer bit of it.
Yeah.
I loved the Freud Museum.
I could've stayed in there for minutes.
Thank you for joining me.
I know it was in your contract, but thank you for honouring it.
Cheers, Dicky.
I'd like to give you something to remind you of the snow globe experience.
It's not broken, so it's a novelty, in and of itself.
And every time you shake that, you can remember how you broke that man's globe and heart.
I've just realised what he has made the snow of.
It's dandruff.
It's just old-man dandruff.
That schnapps as gone to my head.
'Next week, an odyssey of the senses in Paris, with Mel Giedroyc.
' MEL BURPS LOUDLY Wow.
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up.
But do not tether yourself to a rack and render yourself asunder, because I, a man who, against all medical advice, continues to call himself Richard Ayoade, am going to massively sort it.
BLOWS HIS NOSE 'Accompanied by a variety of medium-to-well-known faces, 'I'm going to take you hurtling through a foolproof maxi-mini-break.
' This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in the imperial splendour of Vienna.
Zwei Sturm, bitte.
Over 13 million tourists waltz up every year to cop some culture, chow schnitzel and sup at the city's famous coffee houses.
'In order to give the illusion of bonhomie, I will be joined 'by a travelling companion - the bearded actor Chris O'Dowd.
' HE LAUGHS CHRIS SPEAKS PRETEND GERMAN 'Together we near-scupper our souls 'in the pursuit of time-efficient travel' I'm running a light, I'm running a light! '.
.
break down Vienna's must-see attractions' Freud would have loved a lightsabre.
'.
.
and slip down a Freudian slope.
' Oh! GLASS SMASHES Ooh! I'm just so pleased it's not me.
We're here, but should we have come? CROW CAWS Shut up.
Vienna can be reached using any of the time-tested triage of train, coach, and plane.
'But for the time-poor mini-breaker, only the latter compels.
' Chris.
It's Chris, right? CHRIS LAUGHS So, have you been to Vienna before? Never.
Never.
I travel a lot.
Yeah.
I haven't had a holiday since our honeymoon.
Wow.
Yeah.
Not OUR.
Sure.
We're still in our honeymoon period.
'Cursory chat concluded, I activate the B-Tourist 'for some restorative in-flight solitude.
' What is it for? It's to ensure privacy.
I can see you, though.
Where's that sound coming from? CHRIS LAUGHS I It's like you're not here.
Dicky! Ah Dick! I'm so in my own world! 'After two spookily-secluded hours, 'we've arrived here in Vienna, 'where, if you keep your spending game tight, 'a weekend can be secured for 250 UK Sterling.
' Ah So, Dicky? Yes, Chris.
Here we are.
We are here.
You know I would go anywhere with you.
I know.
Why Vienna? Well, let me reward that earnest question with this answer.
With around two million inhabitants, Vienna is home to roughly a quarter of Austria's population, and as if that fraction wasn't impressive enough, Vienna has also been voted the city with the best quality-of-life in the world four times, something you would have thought could in no way be accurately surveyed.
It was home to Mozart, Haydn, your boy Beethoven, and your man Strauss, earning it the epithet "City of Music", and that's pre-Ultravox, y'all.
It was the birthplace of psychoanalysis, the sewing machine, slow motion, and the best souvenir in the history of all time.
Of which more in the dueness of course.
'In a city known for its opulent architecture, 'counter-suggestibility compels us to stay in a 1960s office block.
Hotel Daniel has rooftop art, its own beehives 'and Vespas for hire, 'as well as being one of the first results that came up 'after my Google search of "Vienna + popular Christian names + hotel.
"' Welcome to the Hotel Daniel.
Aah.
The Hotel Job was fully booked, so CHRIS LAUGHS We're here now.
Hey, how are you? Good, and you? You must be Daniel.
Not really! OK.
SHE CHUCKLES Can we check in, please? Of course.
'The Daniel offers some unusual bunk-down options, 'and I've arranged something bespoke for Chris.
' Thank you, Daniel.
You're welcome.
I know how much you like to be next to a major highway.
CHRIS LAUGHS If you need to make an exit Where are we going? We're going We're going to your quarters.
This? Yeah.
Room 777.
'Chris' room is 16 square meters of luxury 1952 Airstream Clipper.
' This is very popular with magpies.
CHRIS LAUGHS In you go.
That's really funny! Aah, bless you.
It's the first time that you've made me laugh.
Oh, I know.
Oh You've got plenty of head height, right? Caravan.
About right.
Thanks, Dicky! 'The luxury Belvedere suite offers well-wide views of Vienna, 'as well as a display hammock.
'But I have no time for display hammocks.
'Unpacking squanders time, and is a bourgeois indulgence.
'The Rise bag means I am ready to leave 'the moment I feel the heat in the city.
' The clock's ticking.
Yeah.
We've got a lot to fit in.
There's a lot of culture here.
Shall we just walk around the city at pace? I've got an idea that might even be better than that.
'The only obvious way to effectively blast all of Vienna's architecture 'into our eyeballs is to use miniature cars, 'perfect for two of the tallest men in light ent.
' These are your hotrods.
These are my hotrods.
Chris, that's your hotrod.
CHRIS LAUGHS Oh! 'Austria's worryingly relaxed vehicle laws 'mean these ludicrous dink-mobiles can be driven on actual roads 'amongst full-sized vehicles.
' Hey! It's the guy from The IT Crowd! What? I presume what you're saying is facetious.
Hotrod, summer in the city All of this area that we're driving through right now is the first district, OK? I can only take a man in a tiny car so seriously.
'Our guide, Florian, will take us 'hurtling round one of Vienna's most exciting ring roads, 'past the Opera House, the City Hall and the Burgtheater.
' This is St Stephen's Cathedral, guys.
Lovely church.
I think it was good to give that the seven seconds that that architecture deserved.
We have very small, tiny little bead shops.
Nice.
Do you have Dixons here? No.
Ohh They don't have a Dixons, Chris.
A lot of antiques that they would have stolen during the war.
'And if you're going to sight-see at speed, 'you must renounce all fear of collision.
' Watch out for the tram! I'm running a light, I'm running a light! We're really rattling through this.
We might be able to go back a day early.
'Our knowledge of Vienna has expanded profoundly, 'but, as with many things that exist in time, the tour must end.
' Oh, wow! Can I be frank? I'd love you to be frank.
I was impressed.
I thought that the buildings were very old.
That is an excellent observation.
Very nice, very clean.
It is.
It's like a massive Guildford.
Is there any higher praise than that? I really enjoyed that.
Good.
I'll not do it again.
Yeah, as with many things you enjoy.
Shall we dismount? Yeah.
With elegance.
Ohh 'After the giddy rush of the open road, 'we are now in search of head food.
'Vienna is dense with over 100 museums, 'which is more than two times 50, or four times 25.
'We're off to the quarters of Vienna's favourite son, 'Sigmund Freud, 'the father of psychoanalysis, and all round phallocentric fun guy.
'The Freud Museum is set in the very building 'that was his office-slash-home between 1891 and 1938.
'It now attracts over 80,000 visitors a year.
' Here we are.
Aah! Freud's hall.
CHRIS LAUGHS If that's not itself Freudian, I don't know.
CHRIS LAUGHS "On the walls, there is still the original decoration.
" It really He went for it, didn't he? Gosh, it's a bit gaudy.
This is where he was for 40 years.
This house? No, just this hall, he just couldn't get going.
Much like us.
Right, this is his waiting room, so this is where you would have waited.
Ah.
Have magazines and things like that.
He would have had, like, Fishing Weekly over in the corner.
Before you popped in.
All of this is alarmed.
You mean psychologically? No.
Literally, as it was in Freud's time.
CHRIS LAUGHS He took his security very seriously.
The treatment room.
Oh.
I think this is called The Hangman.
It's a piece of art that they've just put into Right CHRIS LAUGHS .
.
cos it can get a bit heavy.
That's his couch.
Lie down, enjoy yourself! Yeah.
I'll be behind you! It's not strange if I play with your hair? CHRIS LAUGHS The gift shop.
Ah.
Banksy's favourite room.
CHRIS LAUGHS Look, he's got an action figure.
The hands move.
That's useful.
Yeah, you can just transfer your lightsabre from your other toys.
CHRIS LAUGHS Freud would have loved a lightsabre! Aah.
I mean, that was the ultimate phallic Look at Darth Vader's helmet.
CHRIS LAUGHS 'For reasons of ignorance, I'm unable to say 'where Freud did his food shopping, 'but for the sake of this link, we're going to pretend 'he definitely went to the Naschmarkt, 'Vienna's famous historic market, 'and a popular meeting place for locals and tourists.
' It's been here since the 16th century - you knew that.
16th century? That's right.
Oh, great.
Where are you from? He's from Peru.
Chile.
And I'm from Chile.
Chile? Oh, what are you doing here? We got lost.
Falafel.
Falafel each? Yeah.
Oh, welcome.
Thank you.
Welcome, Chile! This is very nice.
If you keep going up and down you can basically get a meal out of it.
'These days the market is a glut of global gastronomy, 'but we're here to sample a local libation.
' We're going to try some Sturm wine, OK? Oh! It's partially fermented grape juice.
Oh, I'm in! Hi.
Hi.
I'm fluent, so I'll handle this.
OK.
Zwei Sturm, bitte.
Zwei Sturm? Yes.
Ja.
That's really good.
Pretty much, yes.
Confident.
It was.
I think that's half the battle.
It goes back to my days in the musical of Das Boot, um You were great in that.
Do some of the songs from the end, because there are people who haven't seen that.
# Ve are going down, ve are going down Down to the bottom of the ocean Thank you.
Mmm! The colour is very vibrant.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Danke.
To better times.
CHRIS LAUGHS Mmm BLEEP Wow! It's sweet but really bitter.
You cannot put a cork in the bottle because it will explode, cos the fermentation ain't done on this.
That's good, cos, you know, when I have wine, I always think, "Oh, it's too fermented!" Yeah.
'Stewed on Sturm fumes, our valves ache for the kind of appeasement 'that can only be provided by Austrian meat.
' I need Kasekreiner.
And I need it now.
CHRIS LAUGHS OK, good.
Yeah? What's that? It's sausage.
Oh! Kasekreiner.
And I have this app on my phone here Oh, you've got a mobile telephone? Yeah.
Good for you.
You just type in what you want, in this case, Kasekreiner CHRIS SNORTS .
.
and it will take you to it.
Do you have to be able to spell it? Let's get some Kasekreiner.
'Austria tops the EU charts for per capita pork consumption - 'the only chart that counts.
'In short, Vienna's sausage game is off the hook.
' THEY PAN Oh! Oh It's still open! Hey.
Hi.
Zwei Kasekreiner, bitte.
Ja.
Yes, this is sausage with cheese in it.
That doesn't have cheese, Oh, it does, look at that.
Yes, look.
The name literally means "pussy stick.
" Which is a shame.
CHRIS SNORTS Danke.
That's really tasty.
Yeah? I like cheese, I like sausage - what's the problem? There is no problem.
Except for your arteries.
Which I can feel furring up before my very eyes.
I don't really know what you do with the bread.
I think it's a lot like normal bread.
I'm going to eat it, yeah.
Yeah.
And it certainly helping to soak up the Sturm.
CHRIS CHUCKLES Shall we call it a night? And a victory for the Kasekreiner.
CHRIS CHUCKLES Let's! OK.
'And so, stomachs distended with fried pork and cheese, 'day one in Vienna draws to an oily end.
'Next, we go deep down underground' That's the smell of raw sewage for you! CHRIS LAUGHS 'My throat closes in on itself' RICHARD SNEEZES Oh Wow.
I'm allergic to horses.
'And shiz gets real in the souvenir shop.
' You have a vandal in here, you need to deal with that.
I'll see you later.
'Working actor Chris O'Dowd and I have completed no less 'than 50% of our allotted 48 hours in the Austrian capital Vienna.
' That's really tasty.
'Thus far we have beheld its beatific buildings' I think it's good to give that the seven seconds that that architecture deserved.
'.
.
prised open its subconscious' Look at Darth Vader's helmet.
'.
.
and quaffed the local rotgut.
' It's not unpleasant.
RICHARD COUGHS 'Like the conformists we are, we begin day two with what 'the Austrians continue to call breakfast.
'Tourists and locals alike throng to the historic Cafe Central, 'which, in just one month, catered to Tito, Lenin, Trotsky, Freud, 'as well as hateful, evil, fascist Hitler.
' Thank you.
'But we try to block out some of the 20th century's worst crimes 'with Austrian staples, apple strudel and Sachertorte.
' Now, of course, cake is a mainstay of Viennese culture.
You knew that.
Hm.
But Viennese people tend not to have cake for breakfast.
Oh.
But we are under time pressure, which is why we are having to chunder through this.
Great.
But you seem to have taken to it like a duck to water.
I don't think this is the first time you've had cake for breakfast.
Today.
No.
I'm going to ignore you.
THEY LAUGH Oh, dear.
I think this is how Freud came up with all of those ideas.
I think it was sugar rush.
Well, this is why everybody has a lie on a couch for so long.
Exactly.
They'd just hit Cafe Central too hard that morning and remembered something that their mother may or may not have done.
CHRIS LAUGHS That was dynamite, Chris, but we can't tarry.
No.
We've got to catch our horse and cart.
Now.
Come on.
Time is of the essence, Chris.
This us? That's horse.
'No time-efficient trip is complete without a ride on a fiacre 'and, for the avoidance of doubt, 'Chris has been warned not to comically mispronounce fiacre 'for the duration of the trip.
' I'm allergic to horses, I've discovered.
Yes, I've noticed.
I think that's in your eyes.
My eyes are gone.
I'm the horse shouter.
Like, there's so many horse whisperers.
Well.
CHRIS SHOUTS IN GERMAN It looks like I have you for the day, at the moment, when you shout like that.
'20 mins costs 55 euros and allows you to see the city while being pulled along by a horse, something my body cannot tolerate.
They have some interesting headwear.
It makes them look like they have joined the Ku Klux Klan.
RICHARD SNEEZES Oh.
Wow.
RICHARD SNEEZES You're a very allergic person.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
'Fortunately for my immuno-integrity, 'the fiacre has reached our next destination, 'the Prater amusement park, 'home to Vienna's most famous landmark.
'It's also where Carol Reed shot some of the 1939 Oscar-winning noir thriller, The Third Man, 'routinely heralded as the best British film ever made 'by people who haven't seen Maybe Baby.
'The Third Man tour takes in this 'and some of the film's other locations across Vienna.
'Our tour guide Barbara ushers us 'onto the Riesenrad, Vienna's iconic Ferris wheel.
' Lovely.
Welcome to Harry's place.
Very nice smell of wurst.
It's starting to feel sturdy.
Right.
So, they shot The Third Man in here? Yes, well, outside.
What? Not inside.
They did the exteriors.
But I saw them inside.
The inside of the cabin was filmed in London, Shepperton Studios.
The guy that did the prop, he was Viennese, emigrating in '38 to London, so he knew how Vienna looked like and he knew how the wheel looked like.
OK.
'Much like the climax of the film, 'this tour finishes across town 'in the tunnels of the city's sewer system.
'We're here to see the unforgettable location 'used in the film's final chase scene.
' Gosh.
Ah.
That's the smell of raw sewage for you.
CHRIS LAUGHS Ah.
I mean, I know it's not the same, but it's not unlike Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.
Wow.
Smells sweet, doesn't it? I'm more worried about the rats.
That's why I'm just keeping on moving here.
So, this is where Orson Welles refused to come when he was making The Third Man? Whenever you see his face, he was here.
Right.
Whenever you see his back or just his feet, it wasn't Orson Welles.
OK.
Good old Orson.
So, how long does this to last? Minimum of five hours.
OK.
Well, quick as you like, let's wrap it up.
OK.
Okey dokey.
Woo.
Wow.
Oi.
Mixed feelings.
That was It was disgusting.
.
.
everything you might expect from a sewer.
Any attraction where you need hand sanitiser at the end is something to think twice about.
I feel like, when you see the sewer system, it's like a city showing you its magic trick.
Right.
And that magic is how can we siphon off excrement as efficiently as possible.
Shall we leave? Yes, please.
OK.
Oh, sewers.
'Our Third Man tour was compelling, if acrid, 'but we need to massively get a wriggle on 'and hasten to our next destination.
' We are on a tram.
We ARE on a tram.
ELECTRONIC BELL RINGS I've just had an idea.
There we go.
ANNOUNCEMENT IS MADE IN GERMAN You have all of your ideas in German, don't you? I do.
Do you know what I would like to get, now, before we go? Tell me.
Get, like, a souvenir.
This is serendipitous.
Because we are only going to the snow globe capital of the world.
Snowglobia.
'The snow globe was invented in Vienna 115 years ago.
'A museum dedicated to their continuing relevance 'is run by Erwin Perzy III, grandson of the inventor, 'who guards the magical secret of the realistic snow with his life.
' What is the snow in these globes? To tell the truth, this is my secret.
What is it? It is snow for my snow globes.
It's actual snow? Yeah.
Let's have a look at some of those.
I would love that.
Can I lift that? Is that one liftable? Yes.
This is one It's a little bit heavy.
Be careful, cos that's Jeremy Clarkson's one.
Just hold it on the glass plate.
That is good quality fake snow.
Ooh.
There you go.
THEY LAUGH Oh! Ooh.
CHRIS LAUGHS That's a crying shame.
Oh, Erwin, I'm so sorry.
I'm just so pleased it's not me.
I can't lie.
I want to feel bad for you, but the relief that that wasn't me is so great.
Oh.
Careful.
Now you can see the magnification.
If you remember how big the car was before.
I've got to say, I'm in such a state of shock, I can't remember anything.
I don't even remember who you are.
I don't know why am here.
I just know we have done something bad and it wasn't my fault.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
Shall we look through Shall we go and see some more globes? Let's look at the other room of breakables, shall we? OK.
OK.
Here we go.
Oh, crumbs.
'In order to harness the potential for fresh disgrace, 'I resolve to see if there's any more valuable glassware 'in the joint worth scoping out.
'And there ruddy well is! 'A snow globe from Orson Welles's masterpiece, Citizen Kane.
' My grandfather made a snow globe for the movie This is good.
.
.
and this is a replica.
I'm just saying, don't do a stock inventory tonight because as soon as your back is turned, I'm taking this.
I'm taking the snow globe.
I'm going to be right up front.
Is it just normal water? Yes.
Austrian Alpine water.
Oh.
Water, silly.
What a silly.
Well, thank you very much.
Erm You blow the glass yourself? No.
This is Idiot! The glass globe, we buy from the glass factory.
The snow you make, with.
.
? Yeah.
I do.
I do.
Ah.
I would like to remind you, you have something in your pocket.
Oh.
I've no idea what you're talking about and you're being very passive aggressive, OK, which I don't appreciate.
It was lovely to meet you.
There's nothing in my pocket.
You have a vandal in here.
You need to deal with that.
I'll see you later.
OK? Thank you so much.
That was a pleasure.
'Souvenirs now secured, 'taking the spend on our Viennese whirl to just over ?500 apiece, 'it's surely time to definitively assess 'the city's suitability as a two-day destination.
'To do this, we have come to a tributary of the River Danube, 'Europe's second-longest river, 'which Wikipedia tells me flows 'through ten countries and four capitals.
'And don't even get me started on its drainage basin.
'To ensure solitude for our final foray 'I have, of course, chartered a battery-powered self-driven island.
' Cheers.
Chin-chin.
What have you enjoyed most about Vienna? I liked it a lot.
OK.
I thought it was very clean.
It is clean.
Nice.
It is nice.
I liked the hotel.
The hotel was dynamite.
I liked my caravan.
I very much liked the Third Man tour, up until we got to the sewer bit of it.
Yeah.
I loved the Freud Museum.
I could've stayed in there for minutes.
Thank you for joining me.
I know it was in your contract, but thank you for honouring it.
Cheers, Dicky.
I'd like to give you something to remind you of the snow globe experience.
It's not broken, so it's a novelty, in and of itself.
And every time you shake that, you can remember how you broke that man's globe and heart.
I've just realised what he has made the snow of.
It's dandruff.
It's just old-man dandruff.
That schnapps as gone to my head.
'Next week, an odyssey of the senses in Paris, with Mel Giedroyc.
' MEL BURPS LOUDLY Wow.