TripTank (2014) s02e01 Episode Script
The W.A.N.G.
1 [whimsical music.]
Whoa! Ooh! [muffled grunting.]
Weird.
[whimsical music.]
Whoa! Ooh! [dubstep music.]
2x01 - The W.
A.
N.
G.
[man.]
I don't ask questions.
I just do the job.
[Dana.]
Will you look at that asshole Ga Oh, no, wait a minute.
That ain't him.
It says right here in Gary's day planner that I stole, - "Quarterly Physical, 3:00 P.
M.
" - I don't understand this.
That turd bag's never late to anything.
Guys, it's only 2:00.
You know that clock doesn't even work.
- Really? Shit.
- Goddam it, Matt.
I mean, you're the one that broke it.
Look at that asshole Gary going to see a doctor like a jerk.
- He is literally rubbing our faces in it.
- Oh, we've gotta get revenge.
- Are we ready to do this or what? - You know I am.
[whooping.]
Good.
So don't screw it up.
Now everybody, take off your clothes, and let's get prankin'.
All right, Gary, let's have you hop up on that scale.
Not a problem, Nurse.
Whoa, and you are a lot fatter than you look.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Yes, well, heavy bones do run in the ol' Gare-man's family.
- My family tried to abandon me.
- What? - The doctors will be right with you.
- Hey, you forgot my urine sample.
Ya, ya, ya, yes, hello, patient.
I'm Doctor.
What's the problem you have with your gross body today? Oh, hello.
No problems, Doc.
Just getting my quarterly checkup, you know, trying to stay fit.
By the way, where is Dr.
Schwartz? Oh, he's dead or something.
Don't worry about it, uggo.
What? He's dead? Sure, he died and we're you new doctors now, dirt bag.
But he just read the Purim story at my house.
Oh, that's probably what killed him.
Yeah, I'm Dr.
Pepper, and this here is, uh, Dr.
Chinstrap.
- Dude, I thought I was Dr.
Radical.
- It's called improv.
Take a class.
I just can't believe my brother-in-law is dead.
Yes, and now it's time to take a look at your balls and also your dong.
- What? - Just pop open your gown, lard ass.
- Let's get a look at that hog.
- Well, that seems highly irregular, but I guess you are the medical professionals.
- Holy shit.
- I am very uncomfortable.
- Is everything okay, Dr.
Pepper? - Yes, of course, dumb medical patient.
Just hold on, I need to confer with Dr.
Chinstrap for a moment.
Come on, what are you waiting for? Just really weirded out by Gary's penis here, dude.
- Just say the lines I wrote for you.
- Fine.
Oh, well, Mr.
Dummy Dumb Face, that doesn't look good.
We're going to have to remove it.
- Remove what? - Your penis.
Your crazy-looking penis is coming off today.
- What what why? - Nurse! Ah, Nurse Cottonballs, prep this man for genital removal surgery, pronto! - Wonderful, I found these in the alley.
- Wait, this can't be happening.
- Oh, it's happening.
- Kiss your nuts good-bye, Turkey! - Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- Oh, my God! Come on, Matt.
You're up.
- What What the hell is going on? - Ha, ha! It's us, you jerk.
Dana, Andy, Matt? What's happening? Just your classic "sneak into a hospital, pretend to be doctors, make a guy think his penis and balls are getting lopped off till he passes out, and then splash pee-pee in his face" revenge prank.
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! [guys panting.]
Ah! Oh, my God.
[Dana.]
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! Wow, what a great prank.
Yeah, I really thought they were gonna cut his penis off.
Seems a bit odd to have a bay window in a hospital examination room.
Seems odd to mix Rocky Road with rainbow sherbet.
Eh, not to me.
[mysterious music.]
[phone ringing.]
Hello, Triptank, this is Steve.
How can I help you? [woman.]
Triptank is the most offensive thing I've ever seen on television.
My bridge group all hates it.
I mean, except for Barbara, but we all hate Barbara.
She cheats and lies.
We all see you, Barbara.
Cheats and lies.
- Um - Triptank is despicable.
I'm telling all my friends to watch it.
- What the hell are you wearing, Roy? - Oh, this? I got it at my neighbor's garage sale.
It's a W.
A.
N.
G.
, man.
A Waste Analyzing Neutralizing Garment.
- Oh, what does it do? - It's for the rocket men, man, 'cause there ain't no water up in space.
It takes all your discharged waste, mixes it up into a slurry, - and converts it into potable water, - Uh shoots it up this tube right here and then you suck it right out of the tip.
- Mmm! - So, wait, you're drinking It's my own piss and shit.
I'm trying to reach peak hydration, man.
- Staying hydrated is super important.
- Oh, my God, Roy I want one so bad! I knew you would! That's why I got two of 'em.
- Yes! - Now take off them pants and let's strap on this W.
A.
N.
G.
Today's the day, Seahorse, I know it.
I will go above water and meet my prince.
We'll get married, or if I'm lucky, I'll get knocked up and collect child support for 18 years.
But, Sabrina, will you ever return? The ocean will never be the same without you.
I will always remember you, Seahorse.
You're my best friend.
But once I go to land, to the human world, I'll grow legs and won't be able to return.
I hope a part of you always remains fishy, Sabrina.
It sure will, Turtle.
Deep inside, I will always have a fishiness about me.
Farewell, old friends.
May the currents always flow in your direction.
Arrgh! [scatting.]
Oh, Sabrina Ahh, the sun is even more beautiful above the waves.
Ah! What the [bleep.]
? Ouch! Ouch! [growling.]
[Sabrina.]
What is happening? It's a [bleep.]
mess! I can feel the disease in me! [groans.]
[dubstep music.]
[farting sound.]
[mysterious music.]
[dubstep music.]
- Ha ha hoo! That was awesome! - Perfection.
Guys, you're both right.
That was my best performance yet.
I I was really uncomfortable looking at Gary's penis.
Yeah, he kept going on and on about his heavy bones.
I can't believe that asshole Gary forced us to look at his enormous penis.
- Damn you, Gary.
- What a jerk! Oh-oh-oh-oh, Gary.
Hard it sucking will soon commence.
And, by the way, guess who's gonna be doing the sucking? Surprise! It's you! [all.]
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! - Suck it, Gary! - Whoo! [Dana.]
Well, we're home.
[lighthearted piano.]
[doorbell rings.]
Hello? Hello? [shouting.]
[shouting muffled.]
What the [bleep.]
? [panting.]
What the hell is this? Wait, wait.
That was for charity! I was raising money for cancer research.
Oh, my god.
Oh, [bleep.]
! Look, that was a joke.
I-I didn't mean anything by it.
Oh, [bleep.]
! Look, okay, okay.
Stop, stop.
I can explain.
This guy at work, Stan, he put me up to this.
He said that if I did this I would be one of the guys.
Ahhhh! It w It was a joke.
It was a joke.
Let's just pretend it didn't happen, okay? Everyone cool? [electrical buzzing.]
Ahhhhhh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! This can't be happening.
This can't be happening.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't think you would mind.
I mean, you're you're not real.
Right? I thought you would love traveling.
[screaming.]
I'm not sorry, you [bleep.]
bearded [bleep.]
! Ahhhhhhh [sobbing.]
I'm the victim! I was molested as a kid, for Christ's sake! My mom beat me with a [bleep.]
garden gnome, you [bleep.]
bastards! I'm so sorry! I'll do anything to make this right! I'll do anything to make this right! [Frank sobbing and whimpering.]
No, no, no [crying.]
[jazzy swing music.]
[pounding music.]
[both slurping.]
Hey, Roy, does yours taste a little funny at all? Hell no, mine tastes like fresh mountain stream water.
[both slurping.]
Ech, mine doesn't taste fresh at all.
That's just the factory flavor, man.
- You gotta suck through that.
- All right.
[slurping.]
No, man.
No, it's still really weird.
I don't know, man.
[slurping.]
Maybe your suit's set to fizzy or something.
No, it's not fizzy.
It's slightly [sloshing.]
- Metallic in its bouquet.
- Oh, shit.
[slurping.]
There's a hickory or maybe even a compost-y effervescence.
Take five on the sucking, brother.
This thing ain't even on.
Yeah, I thought it tasted a little funny.
Boy, you're becoming a man now, and I think it's time I give you something that's been passed between the men in our family for generations.
It was given to me by my father when I was around your age, and his father gave it to him, and so on, and so on.
[ticking.]
We should make this quick, though.
I've got the diarrheas.
My dear boy, the joy of my life, words cannot express how happy this day makes me.
Now, it is my pleasure to hand over the family mustache.
[straining and screaming.]
- [Son.]
Dad! - Lord, this is probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my life! Holy dick! Son, if you have an ounce of love for me, you will put Daddy out of his misery.
But But I don't even want a mustache.
You shut your mouth! You shut it! Now help Daddy pull the other end off.
Ahhhh! Son of a tit! [strained.]
My life is a nightmare! My life is a nightmare! My life is a nightmare.
[whimpering.]
You did good, boy.
You did good, boy.
Daddy's proud of you, my sweet boy.
Okay, okay.
That's gonna attach itself in about three or four days.
[ominous music.]
[gunshots.]
[ricochets.]
[Hitman.]
I just ended up strangling him.
[turtle groans.]
[phone rings.]
[slurps.]
Hello, Triptank, this is Steve, how can I [slurping.]
help you? Hello, Tripstank.
Back again, [bleep.]
faces.
You oughta be ashamed of yourselves and the horrible things you do.
- I'm not sure what you're talking about.
- Your show is visual poison.
- [Caller.]
It's killing me.
- Is that even possible? Also, in addition, I have still not received my autographed headshot you were supposedly sending me.
I'm sorry about that.
And I have not gotten my 5XL t-shirt which I was promised.
Oh, well, let me transfer you.
[slurping.]
[spacey music.]
[military march.]
Sorry, bloke.
Gonna have to see your invitation to the wedding.
- That's not the information I have.
- No invitation, no entry.
You're in luck, my good man, as I have two right here! Ugh! Oh! Good evening, lords and ladies.
Time for Versus.
[laughs.]
[stomping and bagpipe music.]
[attendees gasping.]
[cries of alarm.]
How's it hanging, lads, eh? [laughs.]
[screaming.]
Hey, come here, you lovely bit of crumpet.
- No, no, no! - Well, well, that's no way to treat a lady.
Fiddler play something rumbumtious.
[upbeat music.]
You mangy cur! Keep your filthy mitts off the Chablis.
Cyclops, you need an invitation to attend this event.
Well, that's not the information I have.
Fonus-balonus, you're a rum-fuddled lushy! I'll warn you one time and one time alone.
[mimicks.]
Calm down and dismiss yourself from the premises or I will be forced to do battle with you.
I'm not going nowhere.
[crash.]
[woman screams.]
Very well, knave, rascal, stiff-rumped swizzler.
Your choice.
A battle of brawn or wit? - Uh - Wit it is.
Here it goes.
What is it that goes up and down the stairs without moving at all? - What is it that goes up and down - It is a carpet.
Ha! Ahhh! Ow! Tally-ho! [national anthem.]
[screams.]
[laughing.]
Back flip! [Cyclops.]
Brain head spear! Brain head spear! Brain head spear - Oh! - Be at ease, Madam.
- You're in capable hands now.
- Oh, indeed.
[smooching.]
[cheering.]
- Winner.
- Me always me.
- So we should get more pens then? - Yeah.
[both slurping.]
Looks like we're almost out of black.
I think somebody [slurping.]
has been stealing pens out of here.
That's crazy.
[slurping.]
You gonna steal office supplies, - man, you steal something pricey.
- Yeah, like toner.
[slurping.]
The price of toner is, like, 50 times more than gold.
That much toner, [slurping.]
I could get me balls deep in a Countach, man.
You know what I'd do? [slurping.]
I'd go out to a really elegant dinner with a nice girl, you know, that I can connect with emotionally on a deep, personal level.
[slurping.]
- So what else do we need? - More toner.
We're bone dry in here, man.
[slurping.]
Got it.
[pounding music.]
[stadium organ music.]
Ahhhh! [Hitman.]
I think it still counts.
Hey, Tom, thanks for coming in to speak to me.
Uh.
First of all, I just want to tell you your work at the firm has been top-notch.
Just dynamite stuff.
Um, you know, there's one little thing, and it's stupid, but I just have to ask.
Are you, by any chance, a human shell filled with thousands of spiders? Now, I don't want this to feel like an attack, Tom.
We have been very happy with your work.
I just want to make sure that we're on the same page about whether you're a man or a six-foot-tall skin sack being puppeteered by thousands of, I don't know, black widow spiders.
And I only ask because there's been a little bit of chitchat around the water cooler you know how people love to gossip.
But I just figured I would touch base with you directly.
You know, straight to the source.
So let me read you a couple of notes I've gotten from around the office and you can let me know how I should respond to them.
This is from Janine.
"How could you have hired this monstrosity?" Um, then here's one from Pete.
"His voice sounds like "a thousand tiny screams echoing in hell.
"I don't know how these spiders taught themselves to talk, but every day at work is a living nightmare.
" And here's one that just says, "He am not spider.
He man.
" And the note says it was written by spiders.
Oh, wait, but below that "spiders" is crossed out and it says, "Not Spiders.
" So, obviously some conflicting opinions here.
I just wanted to check in with you so we could put all these silly rumors to rest once and for all.
[distorted voice.]
The day of reckoning approaches, when the streets will run with blood.
When my brothers and sisters will rise and cities will crumble into heaps of ash.
A harvest will be reaped and all will fall before the Spider Queen.
All hail the Spider Queen.
Oh, sounds good.
You coming to the company picnic on Saturday? There's gonna be a raffle! [ringing.]
[Steve on machine.]
You've reached Triptank.
We're not available to answer the phone right now, so please leave a message.
[beep.]
[Caller.]
Triptank! Oh, my God! The animals! There's so many on your show! They're coming out of my TV! Oh, no! They're everywhere! I just can't eat them fast enough! [guys laughing.]
Oh, God, Christ! [Steve.]
Ow, you son of a bitch.
You're going too hard.
[upbeat music.]
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
You wanna see my pecker? Is that your beak? - You wanna see my pecker? - Is that your beak? - You wanna see my pecker? - You talking about your beak? You wanna see it? You wanna see my pecker? [sighs.]
Yeah, sure.
- There it is! - Oh, oh, God! - You wanna see it again? - No, go away! - You wanna see my pecker again? - Shoo, leave! You wanna see my pecker? No, I never want to see your pecker again! - Oh, come on, it'll take you home.
- W-What? It'll take you back to your world if you look at my pecker.
What do you mean, "my world"? - [roars.]
Whoa, what is that? - It's a uni-shark.
- That's not possible! - It is in this world.
- Hey, you wanna see my pecker? - Yes! - You wanna see my pecker? - Yes! - You sure? - Please, God, yes! - Here it is.
- Where is it? It's my beak.
[laughs.]
[roars.]
Oh, God! Please, show me your dick! That's nasty.
You're a pervert.
- You started all this! - So you wanna see my pecker? - Yes, please.
- Here it is! Oh, oh, wha - You wanna see my pecker again? - No! - You wanna see my pecker? - No! Aw, come on, it'll keep your head from exploding.
- Are Are you serious? - You wanna see my pecker? Oh, too late.
[laughs.]
[both slurping.]
What the [bleep.]
are you guys doing? We're trying to maintain peak hydration.
Staying hydrated is super important, Ashley.
- I want peak hydration.
- Here, give it a try.
[slurping.]
- You're doin' it.
- Oh, yeah, this is great.
Suck on Roy's W.
A.
N.
G.
, too.
- Yes! - Get it! - You're really hydrating.
- Both at the same time.
Oh, hell yeah.
Now you suck on mine while I suck on Roy's W.
A.
N.
G.
Okay.
[all slurping.]
- This ain't working.
- I'll do yours.
Steve, you watch.
- Yeah.
- Nice.
Steve, suck your own W.
A.
N.
G.
I'm on it.
[slurping.]
Hell, yeah! Peak hydration! - I'm about to peak, too.
- Go for it, man! Suck it hard, Steve! Oh, here we go! Ho, ho! - Oh, Roy, we did it, buddy.
- That was wonderful.
Oh, shit, I just pissed all over the floor.
- This seems way too expensive.
- That's the bill, sir.
Oh, I get it.
Good one, guys.
Where are you? I get the joke.
- A way too expensive hospital bill.
- Are you gonna pay that or what? [sighs.]
Suck it, me.
Whoa! Ooh! [muffled grunting.]
Weird.
[whimsical music.]
Whoa! Ooh! [dubstep music.]
2x01 - The W.
A.
N.
G.
[man.]
I don't ask questions.
I just do the job.
[Dana.]
Will you look at that asshole Ga Oh, no, wait a minute.
That ain't him.
It says right here in Gary's day planner that I stole, - "Quarterly Physical, 3:00 P.
M.
" - I don't understand this.
That turd bag's never late to anything.
Guys, it's only 2:00.
You know that clock doesn't even work.
- Really? Shit.
- Goddam it, Matt.
I mean, you're the one that broke it.
Look at that asshole Gary going to see a doctor like a jerk.
- He is literally rubbing our faces in it.
- Oh, we've gotta get revenge.
- Are we ready to do this or what? - You know I am.
[whooping.]
Good.
So don't screw it up.
Now everybody, take off your clothes, and let's get prankin'.
All right, Gary, let's have you hop up on that scale.
Not a problem, Nurse.
Whoa, and you are a lot fatter than you look.
Oh.
[laughs.]
Yes, well, heavy bones do run in the ol' Gare-man's family.
- My family tried to abandon me.
- What? - The doctors will be right with you.
- Hey, you forgot my urine sample.
Ya, ya, ya, yes, hello, patient.
I'm Doctor.
What's the problem you have with your gross body today? Oh, hello.
No problems, Doc.
Just getting my quarterly checkup, you know, trying to stay fit.
By the way, where is Dr.
Schwartz? Oh, he's dead or something.
Don't worry about it, uggo.
What? He's dead? Sure, he died and we're you new doctors now, dirt bag.
But he just read the Purim story at my house.
Oh, that's probably what killed him.
Yeah, I'm Dr.
Pepper, and this here is, uh, Dr.
Chinstrap.
- Dude, I thought I was Dr.
Radical.
- It's called improv.
Take a class.
I just can't believe my brother-in-law is dead.
Yes, and now it's time to take a look at your balls and also your dong.
- What? - Just pop open your gown, lard ass.
- Let's get a look at that hog.
- Well, that seems highly irregular, but I guess you are the medical professionals.
- Holy shit.
- I am very uncomfortable.
- Is everything okay, Dr.
Pepper? - Yes, of course, dumb medical patient.
Just hold on, I need to confer with Dr.
Chinstrap for a moment.
Come on, what are you waiting for? Just really weirded out by Gary's penis here, dude.
- Just say the lines I wrote for you.
- Fine.
Oh, well, Mr.
Dummy Dumb Face, that doesn't look good.
We're going to have to remove it.
- Remove what? - Your penis.
Your crazy-looking penis is coming off today.
- What what why? - Nurse! Ah, Nurse Cottonballs, prep this man for genital removal surgery, pronto! - Wonderful, I found these in the alley.
- Wait, this can't be happening.
- Oh, it's happening.
- Kiss your nuts good-bye, Turkey! - Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- Oh, my God! Come on, Matt.
You're up.
- What What the hell is going on? - Ha, ha! It's us, you jerk.
Dana, Andy, Matt? What's happening? Just your classic "sneak into a hospital, pretend to be doctors, make a guy think his penis and balls are getting lopped off till he passes out, and then splash pee-pee in his face" revenge prank.
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! [guys panting.]
Ah! Oh, my God.
[Dana.]
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! Wow, what a great prank.
Yeah, I really thought they were gonna cut his penis off.
Seems a bit odd to have a bay window in a hospital examination room.
Seems odd to mix Rocky Road with rainbow sherbet.
Eh, not to me.
[mysterious music.]
[phone ringing.]
Hello, Triptank, this is Steve.
How can I help you? [woman.]
Triptank is the most offensive thing I've ever seen on television.
My bridge group all hates it.
I mean, except for Barbara, but we all hate Barbara.
She cheats and lies.
We all see you, Barbara.
Cheats and lies.
- Um - Triptank is despicable.
I'm telling all my friends to watch it.
- What the hell are you wearing, Roy? - Oh, this? I got it at my neighbor's garage sale.
It's a W.
A.
N.
G.
, man.
A Waste Analyzing Neutralizing Garment.
- Oh, what does it do? - It's for the rocket men, man, 'cause there ain't no water up in space.
It takes all your discharged waste, mixes it up into a slurry, - and converts it into potable water, - Uh shoots it up this tube right here and then you suck it right out of the tip.
- Mmm! - So, wait, you're drinking It's my own piss and shit.
I'm trying to reach peak hydration, man.
- Staying hydrated is super important.
- Oh, my God, Roy I want one so bad! I knew you would! That's why I got two of 'em.
- Yes! - Now take off them pants and let's strap on this W.
A.
N.
G.
Today's the day, Seahorse, I know it.
I will go above water and meet my prince.
We'll get married, or if I'm lucky, I'll get knocked up and collect child support for 18 years.
But, Sabrina, will you ever return? The ocean will never be the same without you.
I will always remember you, Seahorse.
You're my best friend.
But once I go to land, to the human world, I'll grow legs and won't be able to return.
I hope a part of you always remains fishy, Sabrina.
It sure will, Turtle.
Deep inside, I will always have a fishiness about me.
Farewell, old friends.
May the currents always flow in your direction.
Arrgh! [scatting.]
Oh, Sabrina Ahh, the sun is even more beautiful above the waves.
Ah! What the [bleep.]
? Ouch! Ouch! [growling.]
[Sabrina.]
What is happening? It's a [bleep.]
mess! I can feel the disease in me! [groans.]
[dubstep music.]
[farting sound.]
[mysterious music.]
[dubstep music.]
- Ha ha hoo! That was awesome! - Perfection.
Guys, you're both right.
That was my best performance yet.
I I was really uncomfortable looking at Gary's penis.
Yeah, he kept going on and on about his heavy bones.
I can't believe that asshole Gary forced us to look at his enormous penis.
- Damn you, Gary.
- What a jerk! Oh-oh-oh-oh, Gary.
Hard it sucking will soon commence.
And, by the way, guess who's gonna be doing the sucking? Surprise! It's you! [all.]
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! - Suck it, Gary! - Whoo! [Dana.]
Well, we're home.
[lighthearted piano.]
[doorbell rings.]
Hello? Hello? [shouting.]
[shouting muffled.]
What the [bleep.]
? [panting.]
What the hell is this? Wait, wait.
That was for charity! I was raising money for cancer research.
Oh, my god.
Oh, [bleep.]
! Look, that was a joke.
I-I didn't mean anything by it.
Oh, [bleep.]
! Look, okay, okay.
Stop, stop.
I can explain.
This guy at work, Stan, he put me up to this.
He said that if I did this I would be one of the guys.
Ahhhh! It w It was a joke.
It was a joke.
Let's just pretend it didn't happen, okay? Everyone cool? [electrical buzzing.]
Ahhhhhh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! This can't be happening.
This can't be happening.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't think you would mind.
I mean, you're you're not real.
Right? I thought you would love traveling.
[screaming.]
I'm not sorry, you [bleep.]
bearded [bleep.]
! Ahhhhhhh [sobbing.]
I'm the victim! I was molested as a kid, for Christ's sake! My mom beat me with a [bleep.]
garden gnome, you [bleep.]
bastards! I'm so sorry! I'll do anything to make this right! I'll do anything to make this right! [Frank sobbing and whimpering.]
No, no, no [crying.]
[jazzy swing music.]
[pounding music.]
[both slurping.]
Hey, Roy, does yours taste a little funny at all? Hell no, mine tastes like fresh mountain stream water.
[both slurping.]
Ech, mine doesn't taste fresh at all.
That's just the factory flavor, man.
- You gotta suck through that.
- All right.
[slurping.]
No, man.
No, it's still really weird.
I don't know, man.
[slurping.]
Maybe your suit's set to fizzy or something.
No, it's not fizzy.
It's slightly [sloshing.]
- Metallic in its bouquet.
- Oh, shit.
[slurping.]
There's a hickory or maybe even a compost-y effervescence.
Take five on the sucking, brother.
This thing ain't even on.
Yeah, I thought it tasted a little funny.
Boy, you're becoming a man now, and I think it's time I give you something that's been passed between the men in our family for generations.
It was given to me by my father when I was around your age, and his father gave it to him, and so on, and so on.
[ticking.]
We should make this quick, though.
I've got the diarrheas.
My dear boy, the joy of my life, words cannot express how happy this day makes me.
Now, it is my pleasure to hand over the family mustache.
[straining and screaming.]
- [Son.]
Dad! - Lord, this is probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my life! Holy dick! Son, if you have an ounce of love for me, you will put Daddy out of his misery.
But But I don't even want a mustache.
You shut your mouth! You shut it! Now help Daddy pull the other end off.
Ahhhh! Son of a tit! [strained.]
My life is a nightmare! My life is a nightmare! My life is a nightmare.
[whimpering.]
You did good, boy.
You did good, boy.
Daddy's proud of you, my sweet boy.
Okay, okay.
That's gonna attach itself in about three or four days.
[ominous music.]
[gunshots.]
[ricochets.]
[Hitman.]
I just ended up strangling him.
[turtle groans.]
[phone rings.]
[slurps.]
Hello, Triptank, this is Steve, how can I [slurping.]
help you? Hello, Tripstank.
Back again, [bleep.]
faces.
You oughta be ashamed of yourselves and the horrible things you do.
- I'm not sure what you're talking about.
- Your show is visual poison.
- [Caller.]
It's killing me.
- Is that even possible? Also, in addition, I have still not received my autographed headshot you were supposedly sending me.
I'm sorry about that.
And I have not gotten my 5XL t-shirt which I was promised.
Oh, well, let me transfer you.
[slurping.]
[spacey music.]
[military march.]
Sorry, bloke.
Gonna have to see your invitation to the wedding.
- That's not the information I have.
- No invitation, no entry.
You're in luck, my good man, as I have two right here! Ugh! Oh! Good evening, lords and ladies.
Time for Versus.
[laughs.]
[stomping and bagpipe music.]
[attendees gasping.]
[cries of alarm.]
How's it hanging, lads, eh? [laughs.]
[screaming.]
Hey, come here, you lovely bit of crumpet.
- No, no, no! - Well, well, that's no way to treat a lady.
Fiddler play something rumbumtious.
[upbeat music.]
You mangy cur! Keep your filthy mitts off the Chablis.
Cyclops, you need an invitation to attend this event.
Well, that's not the information I have.
Fonus-balonus, you're a rum-fuddled lushy! I'll warn you one time and one time alone.
[mimicks.]
Calm down and dismiss yourself from the premises or I will be forced to do battle with you.
I'm not going nowhere.
[crash.]
[woman screams.]
Very well, knave, rascal, stiff-rumped swizzler.
Your choice.
A battle of brawn or wit? - Uh - Wit it is.
Here it goes.
What is it that goes up and down the stairs without moving at all? - What is it that goes up and down - It is a carpet.
Ha! Ahhh! Ow! Tally-ho! [national anthem.]
[screams.]
[laughing.]
Back flip! [Cyclops.]
Brain head spear! Brain head spear! Brain head spear - Oh! - Be at ease, Madam.
- You're in capable hands now.
- Oh, indeed.
[smooching.]
[cheering.]
- Winner.
- Me always me.
- So we should get more pens then? - Yeah.
[both slurping.]
Looks like we're almost out of black.
I think somebody [slurping.]
has been stealing pens out of here.
That's crazy.
[slurping.]
You gonna steal office supplies, - man, you steal something pricey.
- Yeah, like toner.
[slurping.]
The price of toner is, like, 50 times more than gold.
That much toner, [slurping.]
I could get me balls deep in a Countach, man.
You know what I'd do? [slurping.]
I'd go out to a really elegant dinner with a nice girl, you know, that I can connect with emotionally on a deep, personal level.
[slurping.]
- So what else do we need? - More toner.
We're bone dry in here, man.
[slurping.]
Got it.
[pounding music.]
[stadium organ music.]
Ahhhh! [Hitman.]
I think it still counts.
Hey, Tom, thanks for coming in to speak to me.
Uh.
First of all, I just want to tell you your work at the firm has been top-notch.
Just dynamite stuff.
Um, you know, there's one little thing, and it's stupid, but I just have to ask.
Are you, by any chance, a human shell filled with thousands of spiders? Now, I don't want this to feel like an attack, Tom.
We have been very happy with your work.
I just want to make sure that we're on the same page about whether you're a man or a six-foot-tall skin sack being puppeteered by thousands of, I don't know, black widow spiders.
And I only ask because there's been a little bit of chitchat around the water cooler you know how people love to gossip.
But I just figured I would touch base with you directly.
You know, straight to the source.
So let me read you a couple of notes I've gotten from around the office and you can let me know how I should respond to them.
This is from Janine.
"How could you have hired this monstrosity?" Um, then here's one from Pete.
"His voice sounds like "a thousand tiny screams echoing in hell.
"I don't know how these spiders taught themselves to talk, but every day at work is a living nightmare.
" And here's one that just says, "He am not spider.
He man.
" And the note says it was written by spiders.
Oh, wait, but below that "spiders" is crossed out and it says, "Not Spiders.
" So, obviously some conflicting opinions here.
I just wanted to check in with you so we could put all these silly rumors to rest once and for all.
[distorted voice.]
The day of reckoning approaches, when the streets will run with blood.
When my brothers and sisters will rise and cities will crumble into heaps of ash.
A harvest will be reaped and all will fall before the Spider Queen.
All hail the Spider Queen.
Oh, sounds good.
You coming to the company picnic on Saturday? There's gonna be a raffle! [ringing.]
[Steve on machine.]
You've reached Triptank.
We're not available to answer the phone right now, so please leave a message.
[beep.]
[Caller.]
Triptank! Oh, my God! The animals! There's so many on your show! They're coming out of my TV! Oh, no! They're everywhere! I just can't eat them fast enough! [guys laughing.]
Oh, God, Christ! [Steve.]
Ow, you son of a bitch.
You're going too hard.
[upbeat music.]
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
You wanna see my pecker? Is that your beak? - You wanna see my pecker? - Is that your beak? - You wanna see my pecker? - You talking about your beak? You wanna see it? You wanna see my pecker? [sighs.]
Yeah, sure.
- There it is! - Oh, oh, God! - You wanna see it again? - No, go away! - You wanna see my pecker again? - Shoo, leave! You wanna see my pecker? No, I never want to see your pecker again! - Oh, come on, it'll take you home.
- W-What? It'll take you back to your world if you look at my pecker.
What do you mean, "my world"? - [roars.]
Whoa, what is that? - It's a uni-shark.
- That's not possible! - It is in this world.
- Hey, you wanna see my pecker? - Yes! - You wanna see my pecker? - Yes! - You sure? - Please, God, yes! - Here it is.
- Where is it? It's my beak.
[laughs.]
[roars.]
Oh, God! Please, show me your dick! That's nasty.
You're a pervert.
- You started all this! - So you wanna see my pecker? - Yes, please.
- Here it is! Oh, oh, wha - You wanna see my pecker again? - No! - You wanna see my pecker? - No! Aw, come on, it'll keep your head from exploding.
- Are Are you serious? - You wanna see my pecker? Oh, too late.
[laughs.]
[both slurping.]
What the [bleep.]
are you guys doing? We're trying to maintain peak hydration.
Staying hydrated is super important, Ashley.
- I want peak hydration.
- Here, give it a try.
[slurping.]
- You're doin' it.
- Oh, yeah, this is great.
Suck on Roy's W.
A.
N.
G.
, too.
- Yes! - Get it! - You're really hydrating.
- Both at the same time.
Oh, hell yeah.
Now you suck on mine while I suck on Roy's W.
A.
N.
G.
Okay.
[all slurping.]
- This ain't working.
- I'll do yours.
Steve, you watch.
- Yeah.
- Nice.
Steve, suck your own W.
A.
N.
G.
I'm on it.
[slurping.]
Hell, yeah! Peak hydration! - I'm about to peak, too.
- Go for it, man! Suck it hard, Steve! Oh, here we go! Ho, ho! - Oh, Roy, we did it, buddy.
- That was wonderful.
Oh, shit, I just pissed all over the floor.
- This seems way too expensive.
- That's the bill, sir.
Oh, I get it.
Good one, guys.
Where are you? I get the joke.
- A way too expensive hospital bill.
- Are you gonna pay that or what? [sighs.]
Suck it, me.