Ugly Americans (2010) s02e01 Episode Script

Education is although finding teachable moments.
We're here for the boy.
And an egg roll.
Those rare lessons that leave an indelible imprint on the student.
Then again, a lot depends on the teacher too.
Please don't kill me! Stop squealing, son.
You're safe.
Who are you? Where are you taking me? You're a wizard, and I'm taking you to your initiation ceremony.
Ugh.
Man, I am not good with children.
Magical.
The summer solstice approaches, and the time for our attack has come.
Our mortal enemies, the wizards, have once again gathered at mount magic.
Ow! The fortress has an impenetrable force field and a secret entrance.
It was designed by A.
D.
T.
It's really solid work.
Our goal is to find a way in and slaughter everyone inside.
Questions? Why are we doing this again? The wizards are a force for good that could really put a damper on our whole armageddon thing.
Look, do you want to be queen of the damned or not? Seriously.
I guess.
Bring me proposals, people, and remember, there are no bad ideas in a brainstorm, but horrible ideas will result in castration.
Your balls are welcome.
Leonard, you forgot to sign the census report.
It's due first thing Monday.
My name isn't Leonard.
It's melchior, Leonard's hologram.
I can never tell with you two.
What, did he go to the bathroom or something? No, he's been gone for two weeks.
And this is the first you've noticed.
- Where is he? - Important wizard business.
I'm afraid I've been sworn to secrecy.
All right, all right, yeah, don't say anything that's going to get you into trouble.
He's at mount magic for the new wizard initiation ceremony.
Just don't tell anybody else, m'kay? Hmm.
We begin with the ancient ceremony of roll call.
Wizard of the air? Right here.
Wizard of social services? In the house.
Wizard of copyright infringement? YouShallNotSue! And the rest? Apprentices, the summer solstice draws nigh.
Soon, 50 years of training with your beloved mentors will be complete, and you shall part ways forever.
Gather yourselves.
This must be emotional for all of you.
Well, I suppose we should hug or something, huh? I'm still trying to figure out what's going on here.
Are youMy dad? Let's step outside for a minute.
I think it's time for "The talk.
" So you see, Lionel, before a wizard can retire, he must create an apprentice and train him for decades in the magical arts.
You created me? How? By laying an egg.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
- Okay, here we go.
- Oh, my taint! Push, Leonard, push! The urethra was not meant for this! Oh, oh, my balls Mm, that's smooth.
I can't do this.
I can't do it.
I'm not ready.
Sorry, egg.
I'm in my early 500s.
I'm far too young for this.
Meep! Long story short, that's why you were raised by Chinese immigrants and why you're 50 years old.
You abandoned me? I hate you! I'm sorry.
That was rude.
I I didn't mean to lose my temper.
No, it was totally expected, especially since we just have one day left to cram in five decades of training.
I wish I never came out of your pee hole.
Jesus, what a whiner.
I found a map of mount magic in archives.
Turns out it's across the lake from an abandoned mining camp.
I love camp.
Not that kind of camp, Twayne.
Now, Leonard trusts Mark.
There must be some way we can use him to get inside the fortress.
You wanted to see me, Twayne? Watch and learn.
Mark, we need you to come with us to mount magic to get Leonard's signature.
Wait, how did you know that Leonard forgot to sign his census report? Or that he's at mount magic? - You told me.
- I did? Yep.
We leave after work.
Wait, if you're already going up there, why do I have to come with you? Because, uh Mm-mm-mm.
Becau um Because we have a summer camp there andWe want you to be The head counselor? Ugh.
Whoa! I love camp.
Counseling at Scattica was my first summer job.
See? I knew you'd be perfect.
Did I get fired for being too intense? Yeah.
Okay? Was it still the best summer of my life? Without a doubt.
Do I keep in touch with everyone I met there whether they like it or not? Definitely.
Camp is for life.
Sounds great, Mark.
See ya there.
Oh, yeah.
So let me get this straight.
In order for Mark to lead us to Leonard, we have to build an entire summer camp? We can do that in six hours, right? You know, I just wanted to borrow your van.
You didn't have to drive.
Look, if '80s cinema has taught me anything, it's that summer camp counselors are all horny teen girls that are up for anything.
Present company excluded.
Hey, how are you guys doing back there? It's fine, teacher.
We watch DVD.
- It's Dirty Dancing.
- Again? I wish I could experience love like that.
Doug, no! Oof, that is traumatizing for him.
Why am I here again? I told you, grimes, if I leave the city with more than 3 students, I need a second chaperone.
And the koala counts as a person? Oh, great.
Here come the waterworks again.
You pussy.
Ah! - Wah! - Ah! Well, there goes Androx.
We're gonna miss him in accounts payable.
I remember his first signing bonus.
How is he going to get lilly to expose the secret entrance again? Leonard has to sign his census report, or he can't retire.
That should be enough bait to lure him out.
I'm telling you, sir, it's a sure thing.
But if we're going to do this, we need to do it all the way.
Showtime.
Once your foreskin is removed, your power's released.
And you will finally be a full-fledged wizard.
Uh, hold on.
You're going to snip my John Thomas? Duh.
How did you expect to become a wizard? There's a piece of me that's having some real doubts about this whole ceremony.
I can't blame you.
But if you try to escape the premises, you'll be shot on sight.
See you at the horseshoe pit.
Ahhhh, bonding.
This is the worst summer camp I've ever seen.
'80s cinema lied to me, Mark.
This is no taco party.
It's a sausage party.
Speaking of wieners, I'm starving.
If we're going to survive up here, we're going to need some food.
You're with me, maggot flesh.
Huh? What the hell? Where's all the food? This sausage party sucks.
You don't even have sausage here.
You're mixing up your use of "sausage party," Randall.
Vermin? Ew! This entire place is contaminated! It's every man for himself.
I'll live off the land.
I'll become one with gaia, the earth goddess mother! Drama queen.
Silvermine? Well, no food, no girls, but Randall hits pay dust.
Kids are arriving tomorrow at 9:00 A.
M.
sharp.
If you let them down, you are letting yourself down.
So am I gonna ride you? Yeah.
I am going to ride youHard.
And you're going to thank me for it later.
Speaking of census reports, aren't you supposed to visit your wizard friend? Right, Twayne? What's that? You want to help me with my totem pole? Aldramak, Twayne invited you to join his project.
How about we get in the spirit? Twayne, that is really good, by the way.
You have a gift.
Gold star.
Twayne, you are without a doubt the least giving improv partner I've ever had.
May I remind you we're here to kill wizards, not make fruity arts and crafts? Oh, right, the plan.
Got it.
Nice! - Mm-hmm.
- Oh! Damn old fools.
Who needs to do anything more stupid Wow! Broomsticks! Everyone else is having fun! When do we get to do the fun stuff? This is the fun stuff, buddy.
I mean, we could collate K-12 forms, but let's save some for dessert.
Am I right? I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.
This is not at all what we discussed.
The props go here.
The soft light goes here.
And why is there a thin layer of silver dust on everything? Our apologies, Mark.
It will be tip-top by tomorrow night.
Apologies won't make this the best dang talent show in summer camp history.
I mean, I can't put my name on this! Mark means business.
We better pick up the pace.
Don't mop that if you're not going to sweep it first.
Twayne, we're here to follow Mark into mount magic, not reenact meatballs.
Can you do me a solid and pull your head out of your ass? I don't have to take this abuse.
I'm a bone raper, sir.
I bid you good day.
Come on aboard the ship, yep, yep of camp friendship All right.
Hey, welcome, everybody! We have lots of great stuff planned for the weekend, including tomorrow's big talent show.
Who's excited? - Why are we here again? - Shh! Fantastic.
Now I'd like to introduce you Toby, Doug, Eric, Randall, Croatian man, and Callie.
Okay, now I'm excited.
Um, where are you going dressed like that? Out.
I need to have a chat with her about her authority issues.
She clearly did not read my dress code leaflet.
You're in charge till I'm back.
All right, team, we can either make lanyard bracelets, or we could mine for silver.
You know what? We're gonna mine for silver.
Cleaning up the undercarriage Don't have any soap I'll just use a pinecone Wha? Careful, Francis.
No sudden moves.
Look, lady, before we go on, we agree this is casual, right? Team hiffle piffle has possession of the queef.
A hail on the block, and it's Nigel dodgel before the snoot! Yeah! I can't believe that after 500 years of protecting the seas, it's time to move on.
And what will the retired Leonard powers be doing? Three words, gentlemen: El pollo loco.
Nyah.
Heh.
Already have a franchise set up in Pasadena.
That flame-grilled chicken money? Liquid gold.
What the [Bleep.]
, ref? You're not gonna call that? Say, Leonard, where's your apprentice? Guh! Stupid ceremony.
Don't need toDo it.
From some guy who wasn't around for 50 years.
Huh? Mm.
Ah.
Wha? Total boner city.
Ah! She will be mine.
Hey, pal, you're missing the festivities.
Callie, I think we need to have a chat about respecting my authority.
I'm head counselor.
If it makes me "unpopular, " so be it.
Hey, speaking of census reports, look up there; It's Leonard.
Leonard.
Mark! What are you doing here? Twayne has me running his summer camp.
Also, you forgot to sign your census report.
The two are completely unrelated.
Oh, [Bleep.]
! For reals? I can't retire till I sign that report.
You're retiring? Yes.
Here's my replacement.
Larry.
It's Lionel, sir.
Come to the secret entrance, and I'll explain everything.
It's a sycamore tree with gold leaves and a unicorn carved in it.
It's not as gay as it sounds.
And make sure no one follows you.
Follows you, follows you.
Checkmate.
Whew! Zombie man, why are we to do this? Uh, well, in a nutshell, because I guess we don't yet have robots that can do this.
Why are you not mining? What does this have to do with camp? Uh, mainly it has to do with get back to work before I cut your water rations.
I don't know how to be any clearer than that.
This forest is kinda creepy.
I hope I don't get Ah! Sorry, Mark.
I couldn't resist.
And voila.
My last official piece of business at the D.
O.
I.
So you're really going through with this? After tomorrow's ceremony, Lionel will be taking my place, and I'm off to California.
Well, you will be missed.
But I look forward to working with you, Lionel.
Hiyah! That is Mr.
Chang to you.
I have seniority.
Hey, now you're learning.
Really put that boot on his throat.
Remember, whoever kills the most wizards gets a free breakfast at Denny's.
Oh.
He must be their king.
My God, Al Gore was right.
I see it all so clearly now.
Human beings are complete ass[Bleep.]
.
Oh, silver, Mexican gold.
Zombie person, please Need hydration.
Hey, who hogged all the water? I need to keep my skin moist.
Damn it, guys.
Now I'm gonna have to go up and fill it.
Now, pull! Not my face! I should warn you all now.
I totally have to take a [Bleep.]
.
At least I die doing what I love most, shivering in cave.
Almost dying really makes me feel like eating something alive.
March! March! The summer solstice has begun.
Prepare your penises.
Welcome to the wizardhood.
And salutations from deathsville.
Invaders! Form the ring of power.
Huh? The only one who's allowed to touch my junk is that red-skinned ViXen.
So who's ready for the big talent show tonight? Huh? Hey, wha Where'd everyone go? - Ah! Ah! - Aar! Ah! Ah! Oh.
Ah! Blech.
Clang! Guys, if I could just have your attention.
Great job mining today, really phenomenal.
What I wanna to talk to you about now is, who gets eaten first? This is a team effort.
I don't want to be the only guy making this decision.
Although, personally, I don't eat fish, and I can't digest metal.
And the Croatian guy just smells like a bus seat.
So I guess we all know who that leaves.
Lunch? Is that his name? Am I getting that right? - Typical Doug.
- He's quite the digger.
Amazing what fear can do to an animal Uh, person, animal person.
Where is everyone? Callie? Randall? Various assorted demons? Ooh, you're funny.
What the Hey! Mark! What the hell are you doing? Get out of here, you tit.
Or did you not see the sock on the door? I'm about to give your colleague a taste of me old bangers and mash.
- What is going on here? - I'm the hot counselor, Mark.
All the campers want to get with me.
Clearly you need to watch more '80s movies.
But he's soYoung.
I'm twice your age, ass[Bleep.]
.
You must have some serious insecurities if you need this kind of validation.
Whatever, Dr.
Freud.
If you're so smart, why did you lead daddy's army right to the wizards' hidden fortress? Wait.
What? - I seeDaylight.
- We're saved.
Guys, I just want to say two things.
"A," I love you.
There it is.
That's how I feel.
"B," I am still determined to eat Doug one way or the other.
Who's with me? Oh, would you look at that? It's murder time! Ow! Grimes? Rawr! They have an army of bears! Take evasive action! It's a miracle.
I think they've come to save us.
Ah! Oh, my retirement chicken! Feast, my brethren! Then we will hibernate! Ah! Splat! Digging underneath them! Right.
Why didn't we think of this? Ohoh, my God! Leonard, are you okay? Quickly, Lionel must be circumcised.
Whip it out! Ah, it's too late.
The sun has set.
Looks like Leonard's gonna have to go through another egg-Nancy.
That is, assuming he pulls through.
That looks pretty bad.
It's a good thing they told me the camp has a chopper.
Oh, my God, there was never any camp.
How is that not obvious by now? Friends are a funny thing.
Some people are always finding new ones.
"I am not a bear.
I am a human being.
" Rawr! Some people prefer to keep the ones they already have.
You clean faster! Yes, sir.
Right away, sir.
And some just make do with whoever's around.
I'm so sorry about your apprentice, Leonard.
Oh, I just can't imagine anyone who would want me as a mentor.
I can think of one person.
Um, I don't think you're supposed to drink in your condition.
Don't tell me how to raise my new egg!