Up Pompeii (1970) s02e01 Episode Script

AMMONIA: And after you tend to the garden, do the washing up.
-After the washing up, do the laundry.
-Yes, Mis Yes.
-Then darn the sheets.
-Yes, Mistress, yes.
-Darn the sheets! -Darn the sheets.
Yes, Mistress.
Anything to please such a gracious mistress, yes.
Nagging old cow.
Well, she is.
Did you hear her? "Darn the sheets.
" Look, "darn the sheets".
It's ridiculous.
Oh, they're so mean, this household.
I tell you, I don't blame her.
I blame him.
The master.
Oh, he's a misery.
He really is.
And so mean.
Honestly, he's always pleading poverty.
That's all he does.
All day, he cries and pleads poverty.
Oh, he's a miserable old pleader.
Right.
Now, let's get on with it.
Greetings, good citizens.
The prologue.
Oh, dear.
Cold as ever.
Now Now, our story today concerns the goddess Vesta.
Vesta.
Or, as she's more commonly known, Woolly Vesta.
Because she feels so good next to the skin.
(CLEARING THROAT) Now, um -Now, it came to pass -SENNA: Woe, woe and thrice woe! Here we are, cabaret time.
Woe, woe! Welcome return of old favourite, Senna the Soothsayer.
If you want to powder your noses, now's a good time.
-I've been searching the heavens above.
-Well, heavens above! And I've been conversing with my friends, the stars.
Oh, yes, we're going to have a bit of name-dropping now.
Yes? -I have had word from the gods.
-"Gods"? -A messenger is coming.
-"A messenger"? -He will bring glad tidings.
-Oh, I don't think Glad wants any tidings.
Glad! Do you want any tidings, girl? No, not today.
Thank you, dear.
Good fortune will rain down on the house of Ludicrus Sextus from a great height.
"From a great height"? I know a gag about that.
-Next week.
Yes, sorry? -Good fortune "Good fortune"? Ah, that's more like it.
But it will bring pain, suffering and torment in its wake.
Yeah, that's more like it, too.
Woe, woe and thrice woe! Oh, dear, she's a misery guts.
She really is.
She puts the mockers on you, doesn't she? Oh, she does.
Mind you, I feel sorry for her, poor soul, because she's very repressed.
Oh, no, she's repressed.
Ever since she was a girl, she had this thing against men.
They keep Well, they kept pushing it away, you see, so I dribbled then, that's That's not supposed to be in it.
That's extra.
Never mind.
Now, the prologue.
It came to pass.
Now, this goddess, Vesta This goddess Vesta was, of course, the goddess of fire, and she lived in a special temple known to all as the Fire Station.
Now, in It came to pass MAN IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hello! -Now, it -Hello! -Did someone say something? -Hello! Hello! -Below.
-Yes, I'm underneath you.
-Is that the house of Ludicrus Sextus? -(IN DEEP VOICE) It certainly is.
Well, this is turning into a musical, isn't it? Oh, look! My Oops.
Easy.
There we are.
Well, there.
-Hello.
-Hello.
That was a good landing.
Have a nice trip? -Oh, very nice, thank you.
-You look frost bitten.
What's the matter? Mind you, it was a little bumpy over the Aegean.
-Was it? -Yes.
I nearly collided with an albatross.
-Did you.
This is catching, isn't it? -Yes.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Did you? Yes.
Yes, but I just managed to wheel away in time.
(BOTH WHEEING) He's a scream, isn't he? Listen, you'll have never guessed.
This is Hermes the Messenger.
Hermes the Messenger.
He was the first known air male.
What, eh? They're starting to come out now, the good ones, yes.
At least I think he's a male.
Because you can't tell, can you, really? I was only joking.
You don't have to prove it.
Oh! I have a special delivery for Ludicrus Sextus.
Do you? Ludicrus Sextus? Oh, I see.
-Well, would you care to deliver it yourself? -Oh, no, no, no.
I can't stop.
-Can't you? Oh.
-No.
-Just a flying visit.
-Yes.
Wait a minute.
No, they haven't got that.
"Flying visit", come on.
-Don't doze off already.
As you were saying.
-I shall entrust it into your care.
-Yes.
-Well, I must away now, so Up, up and away! -Bye, bye.
-Bye, bye.
Oh, there's an airy fairy, I must say.
Well, it came to pass that No, perhaps I better deliver this to the master.
It might be important.
Look, I shan't keep you long.
Shan't keep you hanging about long.
Listen, erm Listen! Listen, no.
No, listen.
Shut Shut your mouths! Now, listen.
Chat among yourselves a minute.
On second thoughts, you better come with me.
We don't want you turning over to the other channel.
Come on this way.
Well, of course it's your fault, Ammonia.
We would not be in this dreadful mess if it were not for your ridiculous extravagances.
Look at this! Bills, bills, bills! It's disgusting! Now, you see.
This is my master, Ludicrus Sextus.
I say that 'cause you may notice a little change in him.
He's had a face lift.
I think the lift broke down.
Never mind.
-Master? -Not now, Lurcio.
Can't you see I'm in it up to here.
Oh, well.
I'm sure you'll come out smelling like roses.
There's only one way we can settle all these debts, and that's to sell something.
We'll sell your chariot.
What? And my nice young charioteer with it? Well, he wouldn't be much use without a chariot, would he? -Oh, I wouldn't say that.
-I bet she wouldn't, either.
This is my mistress, Ammonia.
Man mad.
Man mad! What? It's no secret.
She's known to all the charioteers as Waggoner's Walkover.
-Well, we shall have to sell something.
-Oh, really, Ludicrus, tell me.
Just really tell me one single solitary thing we can -Unless -Ah.
Oh, no, master.
Please don't sell me.
Oh no, master.
Please, I beg of you, don't sell me.
Oh, God, I don't want to be sold! Don't sell me, I beg of you! -I wasn't -I haven't finished yet, a long way to go yet.
Oh, don't sell me! I swear! Don't sell me! I wasn't going to.
Well, all that acting for nothing.
Would you believe it? Oh, really, Ludicrus, Lurcio will have to go.
-Oh, no, Mistress.
Don't say that.
-What's that you've got in your hand? Pardon? Oh, yes, the -Yes, master.
Yes, it could be glad tidings.
-Well, I should hope so.
-It's been a long while since I've had any.
-Oh, well, at your age it's harder to find, isn't it? By Jupiter, it is glad tidings! You remember my wealthy uncle Luca? -The one who was very ill? -Oh, has he recovered? Better than that.
He's dead! Oh, poor Luca.
Was he very rich? Oh, I should say.
Made a fortune following the chariots with a bucket and broom.
Bucket and broom.
Well, that's why they called him Filthy Luca.
You see, he made a pile.
Well, you might even say he cleaned up.
You mightn't? Well, please yourselves.
-See that, Lurcio, he's remembered you.
-Really, he remembered me? -What has he left me, master? -His bucket and broom.
Bucket and broom.
Well, I dare say I can scrape a living.
(GROANING) And that concludes the bucket-and-broom gags.
There will now be a collection for tired out scriptwriters.
Quickly, Ludicrus, tell me, how much has he left us? I can't wait to know! Just a minute, dear.
Ah, ah, here it is.
"And to my nephew, Ludicrus Sextus, the sum of 100,000 drachmas.
" 100,000 drachmas! 100,000.
Now, then, what's that in the new decimal currency? Oh, Ludicrus, do you understand? That will pay off all our debts and leave us a little to spare.
"Provided they have a child to be named after me, Luca.
" "Have a child"? That's the condition, dear.
-What? You and I? -Yes.
This is what is known as a pregnant pause.
(STAMMERING) Lurcio, you better leave us.
Yes, you'll be wanting to make a start, won't you? -Shall have to go into it very carefully.
-Oh, you certainly will.
I say, what do you think you're doing? If I can't stay and watch this, you're most certainly not going to.
If you want to see this sort of thing, you must go to the legitimate theatre like everybody else.
Now, come on.
This way.
Don't be naughty.
Good morning.
Ah, well.
Listen, I know what you're thinking.
I bet you're wondering how those two in there are getting on, aren't you? (LAUGHING) Yes! Well, as a matter of fact, I think they intend to go away on a second honeymoon.
At lease I think that's what they intend, because I heard the mistress say to the master, "Let's go upstairs and get our things together.
" Anyway, I know you haven't come here to hear gossip.
So, let's get on with it.
Now, the prologue.
It came to pass -LUDICRUS: Lurcio! Lurcio! -Oh, dear.
We shall never finish the prologue at this rate.
Yes, master.
-There you are! I'm glad you're out here.
-Yes.
-I don't want the mistress to hear this.
-No, no, no.
Now, it's about this having-a-baby business.
-Having a baby, yes.
-Now, I shall need your assistance.
Oh, master.
Well, I don't mind lacing your sandals and hooking your body belt, but really.
No, no, no, Lurcio, just your advice.
-Oh, advice.
-Frankly, I don't know how to go about it.
Oh, yes, you Master! You can't have forgotten.
It's like driving a chariot.
I mean, once you get your hands on the reins, it'll all come back to you.
-It's worrying.
I don't know which way to turn.
-Oh, God, you have forgotten, haven't you? Not at all.
Look.
It's Ammonia.
-Ammonia? -I don't think she's capable of having a child.
-Not capable, master? -No, she's too old.
-Too old.
-She's past it.
-Oh, past it, yes.
-Yes.
-Now, I I -Yes, over to this side again.
I thought that if maybe you could find something to -To rejuvenate her.
-Rejuvenate her? Yes, something we could give her to -Give her to perk her up.
-Yes, all the way.
Yes.
Something we could give her.
Now, what could we give her? Something to Something to I know! There's some stuff you can get.
They call it What is it called now? Danish Bluebottle, is it called? No.
No, Swedish Moth? Yes You'll be No.
Well, whatever you can find, Lurcio, I shall reward you handsomely.
Yes.
Now What is it? Spanish something.
Er, Spanish Onion? -No, no, no.
-Well, I'm late for the Senate.
I must fly.
Ah, is that it? Listen, that rings a bell.
Spy Spy Fly -Russian Fly.
No, it's not that, either.
-No.
No.
Well, you work out its nationality, then let me know.
Yes, all right.
Yes.
-Lurcio.
-Yes, Mistress.
-I want you a moment.
-Yes, I'll come up straight away, Mistress.
Let me see, now.
Russian Salad? No, no, no.
I'm getting cold.
Flies.
Something about flies.
Hold onto your fly.
That's it, now -You see, it's my husband.
-Your husband? -Yes, he's not capable of having a child.
-"Not capable of having a child"? -No, no, he's too old.
He's past it.
-Yes, yes, Mistress.
He's past it.
Now, Lurcio, I was wondering if you knew of anything we could give him to -To rejuvenate him! -Exactly, yes.
Rejuvenate him.
To -Perk him up.
-"Perk him up.
" That's right.
Yes.
-Exactly.
-Yes.
Now, I have heard of something.
Powdered tusks.
Powdered tusks.
Rhino That's it! Rhinoceros.
Spanish rhinoceros! -Oh, no.
African rhinoceros, surely.
-No, we're getting further away than ever.
Well, never mind, Lurcio, I shall leave it all up to you.
-All right.
-But if you fail, you'll have to go.
-Oh, no, I won't fail, Mistress.
-But if you bring it off Oh, nothing as drastic as that, I assure you.
Let me see.
Now, that's Turkish tusks.
No, Eskimo Nell.
No, no, er, powdered flies.
Fly! Hold onto your fly.
That's the main thing.
Well, I don't love you and that's that.
(WAILING) Woe is me.
Woe is me.
Aw.
Oh, there.
What an unkind hour.
Now, this is my master's young son, Nausius.
Strange boy.
Oh, ever so strange.
I'm undone.
Undone.
Don't worry about that.
He gets undone more often than a sailor's flap.
Flap! French Flap! No.
Fla No.
Young master, what is wrong? -Oh, Lurcio, she's left me.
-Oh.
And after I sat up all night writing this ode to her.
An ode? We might have known.
May I read your ode to the assembled populace.
-Oh, yes, please.
-"Ode to Filthia.
" What a pretty name.
"Filthia Not only beautiful, but industrious too Is she whom I'm adoring" Oh, yes.
"She spends each day in charity work At night she goes out with With somebody else" I was lost for a rhyme there.
Don't worry, you'll get plenty in tomorrow's post, that's for sure.
-Oh, Lurcio, I'm so upset.
-Are you? -Lurcio! -What? -Can you get Filthia for me? -In this show? We're lucky to get away with this, aren't we? Well, then I shall just go up to my room and meditate.
That's right, you go meditate, young master.
Aw, there.
Oh, he's a silly boy.
Oh, what? I know what he does in his room.
Silly boy, he'll stunt his growth.
Well, smoking those papyrus leaves.
He's smoking away in there.
It's wrong.
Because, you see, he gets so upset about these girls.
All these girls.
I mean, he gets in all of a doo-dah.
Well, that's his trouble, of course.
He's all dah and no doo.
That's the trouble.
Well, I mean, fancy getting upset about this Filthia girl.
She's a I mean, she's not worth it.
Of course, you know who she is, don't you? Oh, yes.
Didn't you know? Oh, no! No, I'm glad you asked, because No.
She is the daughter, you see, of Tarta the Sorceress.
Tarta.
Tartar sauce.
It's no good me being witty if you're not going to see it.
Tarta the Sorceress.
Thank you, love.
Now The prologue.
It Wait a minute, you're absolutely right.
Now, I'd not thought of that.
I should have thought of that.
Yes, Tarta the Sorceress, she could help me.
I'll get her to cast a fertility spell on my master and mistress to help them have a baby.
Tarta should be able to do that.
After all, she is the president of the Pudding Club.
Excuse me.
Yes, now, I wonder if she's in.
Are you there? (CACKLING) Yes, she's there all right.
(CACKLING) I don't think she's all there by the sound of it.
But still, let's go and find out.
Oh, erm Er, madam.
(CACKLING) And what can I do for you, young man? Ah, well, madam, you see I have this problem (CACKLING) I wish to God she was sitting in the audience, I'll tell you that.
Now listen, madam, look If one wanted to hear the patter of tiny feet, and all one heard was the patter of an old comic.
I mean, no, I mean No.
Wait a minute, look If one wanted to have a baby, you see But if one was getting on, and for some reasons one couldn't.
Do you see what I mean? No, I'm afraid I cannot conceive what your problem is.
That's the problem, you see, I cannot conceive.
I'm sorry, I don't do sex changes.
Look, wait a minute.
Look, you can have your lunch in a minute.
Listen.
Now My You see, it's not me, it's my mistress.
Because she can't.
-Your mistress can't what? -She can't do it.
Well, then she's a pretty rotten sort of a mistress.
And if I was you, I'd get a new one.
(CACKLING) Well, she's enjoying the show, if nobody else is.
Wait a minute, look My mistress and my master want to have a baby, but they are getting on.
Getting on is easy, it's getting off that's hard.
She's got all the best lines.
It's not right, you know.
I'll have this stopped.
Now, wait a minute.
Stop stirring a minute.
Look, my mistress and my master, they want to have a baby, you see? I want you to cast a fertility spell.
Make them younger.
Younger! Ooh.
Perk them up.
I've got the very thing.
One moment, young man.
I shall find it.
There it is.
Oh, yes.
"Prescription for rejuvenation.
" Which you must take straight to the alchemist.
There, recipe number 33 in a plain brown wrapper.
Ah, yes, yes.
"Prescription for rejuvenation.
" Now, what do I have to get? "Take three" What? "Take three handfuls of pig-fed toad's droppings.
" Would it be all right if I wear gloves? You must do, in case your hands are dirty.
I was a fool to have asked.
"The juice of six cockroaches' livers.
Four grated cross-eyed" Wait a minute, what's this? Oh, let's get this right.
"Four grated crossed eyeballs.
" That's right.
There will be a little controversy over this.
"crossed eyeballs.
A pinch of goat's dandruff.
" What a shopping list.
Now, uh "Finally, a tinge of garlic.
" I see.
You are a Cordon Bleu cook, aren't you? -Oh, thank you, sir.
Now, listen -Yes.
-You must be very careful what drops to give.
-Yes.
-Now, 10 drops to be 10 years younger.
-10 drops to be 10 years younger.
-20 to be 20.
-20 to be 20 years younger.
-And so on.
-Now, wait a minute.
Now, look, suppose a man of, say, 30 took 50 drops, what would happen then? He's disappear up the Appian Way.
Thank you.
We'll let you know.
Goodbye.
-Don't worry, we shall meet again.
-Not on this show, we won't.
-There you are, Lurcio.
At last.
-Yes, master.
The mistress is waiting upstairs.
Now, come on, have you go the necessary Yes.
Now, look, you give her 30 drops and it will make her 30 years younger.
-Excellent.
-The only thing is you mustn't spill any.
Don't waste any, because I got the last of the cross-eyed balls.
The crossed Well, you understand what I mean.
Well, you see, they're all going for export these days.
Now, Lurcio, you can give it to her.
-Pardon? -You can give it to her.
-The cross-eyed Crossed eyeballs, yes.
-The crossed eyeballs.
-Now, I'll call her down.
-Yes, yes.
-Then you pour out the wine.
-Pour out the wine.
-That's right.
And put it in her wine.
-Put it in.
-That's right, then.
Right? That's right.
-Yes, yes.
Yes, go inside to her.
Yes, yes, you call her down, -that's right.
You call her down.
And I Yes.
-You pour out the wine.
No, look, I'll pour, you call her down.
Oh, yes, that's it.
There we are.
You call her down, that's it.
Wait a minute.
I haven't got the cross-eyed Here we are.
Here's the cross-eyed balls.
-There.
Wait a minute.
There, that's it.
-Darling, could you come down for a moment? -That should do it.
-I just Just thought we might have a glass of wine.
Put us in the mood.
What a lovely idea, Ludicrus.
-Lurcio, the wine.
-Yes, sir.
-Have you got it? -Yes, yes.
Now, give him 30 drops, it'll make him 30 years younger.
-That'll make him 32.
-Yes.
-Do you think that's enough? -Oh, I think so, Mistress.
You don't want to be up all night, do you? Oh, well, I suppose not.
-Where is it? -It's in my pouch.
Good, now quickly put it in his wine.
That's right.
Now, I'll call him down No, we've done that scene.
There we are.
There, that's it.
There we are.
One for the road.
Here we are, Lurcio, give the wine to the master.
Yes, master.
A whimsy of wine.
-Well, here's to it, dearest.
-Bottoms up.
Oh, there's nothing more certain.
LURCIO: Yes, there we are.
That's it.
-Oh.
-This is it.
Down in the valley something stirs.
(LUDICRUS CHUCKLING) There they go.
There they go for a stroll down memory lane.
Perhaps even a gallop, who knows? While we're awaiting results, let's continue with the prologue.
-Now, it came to pass.
-AMMONIA: Oh, do be careful, darling.
(CRASHING) LUDICRUS: Look at the dust! AMMONIA: Well, wouldn't it look better over there? What a funny time to start moving the furniture.
Ah, well, the proof of the pudding is in the club.
Let us continue.
It came to pass (WAILING) Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
I wonder what's the matter.
Of course, that's my master's youngest daughter, Erotica.
Erotica, isn't that a pretty name? She's called after her uncle, he runs a book shop.
-Hey, you! -Who, me? -Erotica.
-Well, it's very nice of you to say so.
Erotica.
Where is she? -Oh, she's in the garden.
-Erotica! -Erotica, don't do it! Don't do it! -Oh, no wonder she's upset.
She can't stand boys who say "don't do it".
I'm terribly sorry, Erotica.
Oh, and so you should be.
Oh, you should have taken more care! (EXCLAIMING) This sounds as if it might interesting.
Let's go and find out what's happening.
Follow me.
I said follow, don't rush ahead.
-But it was an accident, Erotica.
-Oh, it's all very well saying it was an accident.
But it's happened, hasn't it? -I just don't know what to say.
-How am I going to tell my father? He'll kill me! -Let me tell him.
-Oh, what difference will it make, you fool? (WAILING) Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, you can guess what's happened, can't you? And without any cross-eyed balls, either.
Oh, dear.
Oh, her father will kill her.
-(SCREAMING) Lurcio! -What, Mistress? Lurcio, what have you done? What have you done? -Me, Mistress? -Yes, you! You put the drops in his wine.
See for yourself! (BABBLING CHILDISHLY) I'm sorry! Please, Mistress.
Oh, God, please.
I'll never forgive you Dear, oh dear, what a night.
What a night! Of course, you can guess what's happened.
The silly old fool took both lots.
Went back to his childhood.
He's back to normal now, I'm sorry to say.
Oh, dear.
(EROTICA WHIMPERING) Oh, poor soul.
Look at her.
It's so unfair, isn't it? I mean, there's those two in there wanting to have a baby and can't, and she not wanting to have one, and has got You're right! You're absolutely right! Now, the will.
The will didn't say that Ammonia and Ludicrus had to have a baby themselves.
It said, "Providing there was a child.
" There was a child, yes.
-Mistress Erotica.
-Yes.
Look, I understand that you're That you That you have trouble.
Now, would you care for me to explain this to your father? -Would you, Lurcio? -Yes.
-Well, that would be a help.
-Well, that's what I'm hoping.
Come this way.
There we are, mistress, wait there.
Master, I think I've got it.
LUDICRUS: What? Me own daughter? LURCIO: Yes.
-I'll kill her! -Yes.
AMMONIA: Oh, what will the neighbours say? LUDICRUS: Where is she, Lurcio? She's out here, master.
Do go in.
That's it.
Daughter, is this true, what Lurcio tells me? -I'm afraid so, Father.
-My dear child, I'm delighted.
-Yes, dearest, well done! Well done! -I thought you'd be absolutely livid.
Why? Whatever made you think that Daddy would be angry? -Well, he's always been so proud of his chariots.
-LUDICRUS: Yes, I just "Chariots"? -What are you talking about, child? -I thought Lurcio told you.
We borrowed it yesterday and had a bit of an accident.
-You mean, you're not gonna have a baby? -A baby? Certainly not! What do you think I am? I think you're a wicked, ungrateful, sinful child.
How dare you come in here and calmly announce you're not going to have a baby? Go to your room! I'll talk to you later! You see, this is what happens when you jump to conclusions.
Ah, well, mistress, if you don't mind, I'll go outside and finish the prologue.
-Oh, no, you don't.
-Come back here, you wretch! -I'll have you boiled in oil for this! -What? Boiled in oil! Boiled in oil.
In that case, I'll go and slice the chips.
-I shall do away with myself! I will! I will! -Excuse me, I shall need this for the chips.
Oh, Lurcio.
I've just been to see Filthia to ask for her hand.
-She refused me.
-Well, no wonder.
You asked for the wrong thing.
She said she could never marry anyone with a name like Nausius.
What's wrong with "Nausius"? It was my father's name.
Yes.
What Nausius? Ah, master, of course.
I've got it.
-Got what? -The will, the will.
The will said only that you have to have a son.
Yes, well you have one.
Well, more or less.
Haven't you, I mean? -Here.
A son, here.
-Well, what's that got to do with it? Well, look, if poor Nausius cannot get the girl he loves because of his name, why not change his name to Luca? Luca.
-Luca? But that's a filthy name.
-We've done that gag, we've done that.
-A beautiful name.
-But I like Nausius.
-That's a sickening name.
-We haven't done that gag.
Oh, I agree.
And you, Nausius, you'll do as you're told.
-From now on you're going to be called Luca.
-But Daddy just said Never mind what Daddy said, Mummy's talking to you now.
(QUARRELLING) And so we leave Down Your Way, and continue on our journey through life, passing through the wall.
Isn't that clever? Over the kerb.
And we shall continue with the prologue.
-Now, it came to pass -Woe, woe and thrice woe! It'll never come to pass the rate we're going.
-The end is here.
-Yes, she's right.
She's right, the end is here.
Let's hope we get there, that's all I know.
Oh, well, I'll just say salute.
No, I won't.
I'll say something else, listen I happen to have a few drops of this rejuvenation mixture left.
Now, is there any deprived lady interested? Wait a minute! Form a queue! Get back, I can't give it to everyone! Now, look, I want a few drops for meself.
Get back!