Velma (2023) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Last season on "Velma"
- The serial killer is
- Victoria Jones?
It's not Victoria.
She told me she's been possessed
by the ghost of Dr. Edna Perdue.
I love you.
- I love you too, Norville.
- Norville?
Mother? Hello?
Another thing Velma was right about.
No such thing as ghosts.
Hello?
My name is Velma Dinkley.
And three weeks ago,
I caught my first serial killer.
Did the experience change me?
Yes.
I'm more confident
in my mystery solving.
I know someone's out there,
and if you give me six to ten weeks
to investigate, I'll figure out who.
Though, I'm also pretty jumpy.
Ah, don't kill me! I'm about to attend
a super cool party
and I'm not even crashing.
Velma, relax. It's just me.
And word of advice,
saying a party is cool is not cool.
Now, come on, give me your hand.
The party's this way.
Unfortunately,
catching a serial killer
has taught me nothing about solving
the mystery of teen romance.
So this is where the popular kids party
in the woods.
I give myself ten minutes
before I'm asked to leave.
Velma, no one's gonna
ask you to leave.
As crazy as this sounds,
you're popular now.
You saved the life
of every girl here.
I guess. Still, it just feels weird.
I'm so glad you're here.
Me too.
Now, you go in first.
I don't want to arrive as a couple
and then have to spend the whole party
explaining to people we're not
What? But I thought
You just held my hand.
- It was romantic as hell.
- No, it wasn't. It was practical.
I didn't want you stepping
on all the broken glass
and used condoms out here.
Why can't you just admit
you want to be together?
Because you told Norville you loved him
right in front of me.
And I've told you
that was an accident,
literally seven times
and figuratively, a billion times.
It just feels so farfetched.
Norville's your best friend
and you have that special bond
from all your weird
AP nerd classes.
Yes, but you were
my first best friend, Daphne.
And best friends
trust each other.
So, I'm asking you to trust me that
I told Norville I loved him on accident.
Nay, I'm begging you.
Oh, God! Look!
It's Sheriff Cogburn!
What do you mean you need
to exhume my mother's body?
Seriously, I don't know
what that means.
It means, I wanna dig her up
and make sure she's truly dead.
In horror movies, killers always return
three to ten times, and I
We're not opening up
Fred's mom's grave, Velma.
It's disrespectful and more importantly,
it's expensive.
Expensive? Use the money
you don't pay me to do your job.
Cogburn's murder three weeks
after I caught Victoria
cannot be a coincidence.
My mom wasn't a serial killer!
She was possessed by the ghost
of Norville's grandmother.
How is that so hard
to understand?
This is useless.
I can't believe your moms
won't dig up one stupid grave.
If Victoria's back,
we're at the top of her list.
Velma, Victoria is dead.
We saw her get impaled
by a stalactite.
I've also seen a picture
of Victoria's original nose.
She has the money
to fix anything.
And with all due respect
to your moms,
if I don't solve
Cogburn's murder, who will?
Excuse me!
- I have solved Cogburn's murder.
- What?
In my three weeks
as a spooky stuff hunter,
I have never seen
an easier case.
The ghost of Norville's
grandma has struck again.
Fortunately, this
time I'm ready
'cause Freddy's partnered up
with another smoking hot white dude.
Jesus.
And yet another reason
I have to investigate.
I can't have this town
thinking ghosts commit crimes.
You can say that again.
Ghosts committing crimes?
That guy's a bigger fraud
than the tummy tea industry.
Thank you,
mysterious stranger.
So nice to meet
a fellow rationalist.
What brings you
to our grisly crime scene?
Well, I'm Amber and I just
moved here with my mom.
She's opening
an occult bookstore in town.
- A what?
- Amber's our friend Thorne's kid.
They sent that pentagram note that
made us all gasp on our front stoop.
I was in a band
called The Hex Girls.
We were a real hardcore,
witchy goth act.
But now it's time to hang up the old
choker and try something more stable.
And that something
is occult books?
- But you look so cool, Amber.
- The universe is a mysterious place.
And what's cooler than helping
people find answers?
The universe is not mysterious.
It's governed by physics.
- Classical or quantum?
- Both.
But the classical model
can't support quantum theory.
Okay, yes. So, technically,
that's mysterious, but
But nothing. If physics doesn't
have all the answers,
why not at least
consider other ideas?
Wow, Amber. I've never heard anyone
beat Velma in an argument.
She didn't beat me. I'm just slowly
formulating a response.
You got your ass handed to you.
Okay. You know what? Forget this.
There's been a murder and the only
person who can help me solve it
is my old faithful Norville.
Norville?
"Norville, please respond to this."
"I think Victoria is back."
"My mom won't let me investigate,
so I need your help."
"And if you've been ignoring me
because I told you I love you,"
"and then said it was an accident,"
"even more reason to talk.
I miss you, my friend."
Nah, delete.
Hey, text me back, dude.
Is that Mr. Swendig?
What's he doing here?
Velma, do not embarrass yourself.
He's just a brilliant biology teacher
who could get you an internship
at any criminology lab you want.
Mr. S? What's your
internship doing here?
I thought you weren't back from
sabbatical until internship.
- Not bad, Velma.
- Velma!
Is that you,
or have kids wised up
and started copying your brilliant mix
of brains and bangs?
Oh, Mr. S.
If memory serves,
this laughter can last a while,
so I'll just continue.
I'm here getting my teaching job back,
as my sabbatical is over.
I'd actually love
to tell you about it,
and you can tell me
about all that happened
to you and your lovely mother.
We used to have flirty conversations
about whether
you should be medicated.
Better times, Mr. S.
Better times.
But we can talk about it
in biology class tomorrow.
Internship!
Definitely should be medicated.
You!
Just take a bite, Norville,
and he'll be gone.
Someone has the munchies.
Totally. I'm totally not stress eating
because I killed Fred's mom.
Accidentally killed Fred's mom, son.
You have to forgive yourself
and more importantly
smoke all that weed
I gave you. It helps.
I so am.
I smoke so much,
people think I'm
from Northern California.
Good.
I hate watching you suffer.
And blazing a fat one
really helps me with that.
I still can't get the blood
out of your V-neck, sweetie.
So I picked up this
crewneck T-shirt for you.
Thanks, Mom. I don't know what
I'd do without you. Oh, crap!
Oh, you don't know
what you'd do without your mom.
Well, maybe I can paint a picture.
Please, don't. I get it. I'm sorry.
Because my mom's dead
because you killed her!
Talking to yourself.
Now, I know you're high.
Now, Fredo. This holy water
will protect you
from the scaries
and the spookies.
Fred, there you are.
Why are you at a church?
Are you religious now?
I thought rich guys only
worshipped Ayn Rand and feet.
We do. But I had
to become Catholic
for my spooky stuff hunting business.
Customers expect it.
- You have customers?
- Tons.
And in almost every
scary movie and TV show,
spooky stuff is only scared
of crosses and holy water.
And business is all about
giving people what they want.
I even got my dogs on the team.
It's a gimmick, but it works.
- Anyway. What's up?
- I need your objective opinion.
Do you think Velma
has feelings for Norville?
Well, on the one hand,
I hate Norville for killing my mother.
But on the other,
under his dorky demeanor,
bad clothes and good grades,
he is objectively hot.
His bone structure is insane.
But on the third hand,
Velma's your oldest friend.
If she says she doesn't
have feelings for him, I'd trust her.
Fred, you're right.
That was shockingly thoughtful.
Maybe religion actually suits you.
Maybe. But if you wanna
make out to get back at Velma,
I'm down for that, too.
Okay, if no one believes me
that Victoria might still be alive,
then I have to do the one thing
I swore I never would.
Manual labor.
Hello?
Who's there?
Where'd they go?
Their sneaker.
Oh, I got you, sucker.
You were attacked?
Yes, but now I can
pull a print off their shoe
once my mom goes to sleep.
She made me promise I wouldn't
solve mysteries anymore.
Mysteries?
What are you talking about?
And don't cleverly
change the subject.
But did I tell you
Mr. S is back?
Oh, Mr. S?
Damn it, Velma!
Mom, please. Solving mysteries
is not that big a deal.
I mean, you're still writing them.
And no one's even asking you to.
- Actually, I've stopped writing.
- Oh, no. Why?
Because my last book almost
got your brain ripped out!
I'm sorry, but I love you
too much to let you investigate.
The cops can find Cogburn's killer.
No more mysteries.
Seriously, I am gonna be
on you like brown on rice.
The worst kind of rice.
Okay, so, as you all know,
the Creaky Friday school fundraiser
we planned is coming up.
- Velma?
- Oh, sorry. Whoo!
Velma, come on! Being popular
isn't just all partying
and eating yogurt
on museum steps.
There's work involved!
Focus up.
Sorry, my mom
is watching my every move,
but she's about to realize
her nicotine gum isn't in her purse,
center console or bra.
I need to go. No time to explain.
And don't guess,
because that's solving a mystery.
And Go time.
Gotcha. Now, I just need to run it
through the police database.
We can use my mom's computer
at home.
They're running to replace
Cogburn for sheriff,
so they'll be out
of the house all day
with Thorne and Amber planning
their campaign kickoff party.
Hey, what's up
with this new Amber person?
They seem super cool,
but I always feel safer going along
with y'all's opinions of people.
Amber seemed cool at first,
but is basically a boring know-it-all.
I think we should ostracize them
until they transfer schools.
Velma's just mad because she lost
an argument to Amber.
Like, was destroyed.
No, I'm mad because when Amber,
who Daphne just met,
tells Daphne something insane,
she's amazed.
But when I, Daphne oldest friend,
tell Daphne something totally rational,
she's completely dismissive.
I get that. Though, Amber does have
a certain magnetism about them.
Also, you're right.
I have been dismissive.
But now I believe you don't
have feelings for Norville.
What convinced you, Daphne?
Was it my increasingly unhinged texts?
Because I will abuse that.
No, I just realized you're right about
friends needing to trust each other.
That's amazing.
And when we run the fingerprint
we can make us official
by picking our cutesy couple name.
I'm thinking, Velma and Daphne.
I love it,
but come over in a bit.
I need to hide my cats
before you arrive.
While I've forgiven you,
they have not.
Everything okay?
You shouldn't be sighing like that until
you've been together at least a year.
I don't know. All I've wanted
is to be with Daphne,
but now that I am,
something feels off.
Because you also told
Sonia Sotomayor that you loved her.
No, not my precious Soso.
I'm talking about
Fred, please. I'm sorry!
Norville, I will never accept
your apology for killing my mom!
No matter how well you're
pulling off that crewneck!
Jinx! Staircase!
To the van-mobile!
My shoe!
Fred, your dumb dog's destroyed
my one piece of hard evidence.
Oh, did they? Well, maybe I'd be
more sympathetic
if you hadn't tried
to dig up my mom last night!
I found your shovel while kissing
her tombstone this morning.
Now, excuse me as I go
find Cogburn's actual killer
and keep you
from sullying mother's name.
You just better pray the church
never teaches me attack spells.
Norville, I know you're mad at me,
but I have to follow Fred.
And maybe we can catch up?
Okay. Just promise
you won't talk about anything
that's happened to us.
Of course. I have so many more
interesting things to talk about
than you and me.
So, how's it going, amigo?
Are you ready
for our Espanol test manana?
Okay, sorry. I can't do this.
I have to talk about us.
Why won't you text me back?
Velma, I have a lot going on.
I'm not really thinking
about our dynamic.
Nothing destroys a vibe
like killing your friend's mother.
But Norville, you killed her
in self-defense. It was an accident.
Velma, I'm serious. If I talk about
this, I'll start to hallucinate.
Mother?
Mother, why aren't you making me
walk home from my ballet recital?
Oh, right,
because Norville killed you!
Norville, watch out!
I can't! My guilt is causing me
to hallucinate!
You killed my mom,
She was the bomb!
Will laughing make them stop?
Because I'm more of a satirist
that makes you think.
No, stress eating is
the only thing that stops them.
But I don't have any snacks!
Stress eating? Maybe there's food
in your glove compartment.
- No, Velma, stop!
- Hold, on. What's this?
Why do you have this?
This is the same kind of shoe
I found in the cemetery.
Did you attack me?
Velma, I'll explain
after you give me the snacks.
Please! We're going to die!
Norville. Can we keep him?
His name is my mom
because he's dead!
You already tried
to kill me last night.
At least, if we both die,
I can torment you in hell.
Velma, you're my best friend.
I need you to trust me.
Trust you? You're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Here.
But why do you have this shoe?
Okay, so when I heard
Cogburn was murdered,
I also wondered if Victoria had
somehow survived and killed him.
So, I went to investigate
because if she's alive,
I can let go of all this guilt.
But when you were attacked,
I hallucinated that Fred's mom
wasn't there to fix his posture.
Mother, where are you?
My back feels weird.
And I couldn't help you.
I'm sorry.
But I kept your attacker's other shoe
because I thought it might help you.
Help me feel like a jerk
for ever suspecting you?
- No, because it's a clue.
- Right. Of course.
Norville, I owe you a huge apology
but it'll have to wait.
We just passed Fred's van.
Guys, guys. It's okay.
Velma and I are good now.
Wait. Why is there
an air mattress on my floor?
And why are the vibes
in here so abnormally chill?
We're moving in until my mom's
occult bookstore takes off,
so possibly forever.
Hope that's okay.
I'm fine with it.
But Velma is another story.
I need to text her.
"What's your ETA?
Do I have time to, say,
throw an air mattress
out my window?"
"Can't talk. I'm at funeral home
with Norville."
She's with Norville again?
Yeah, they left Spooner's
together the same time we did.
- Seemed intense.
- Intense?
It's good your moms have been
planning this campaign party for weeks
because we got nothing
done after that.
Planning it for weeks?
But my moms found
Cogburn's body yesterday.
And before that, they thought
he was on vacation
or at a problematic rally.
- That was their cover story.
- Cover story?
And now I'm sensing
I've said too much, so I'm stopping.
Today was Cogburn's funeral?
That's weird. We didn't hear
anything about it.
Someone didn't want us here.
There must be clues in the body.
Help me open the casket.
Die evil spirit!
Oh, God!
I fell asleep in there!
Fred? What are you
doing in there?
I was investigating
and it's exhausting.
Anyway, Cogburn's body was
missing from his own funeral.
So what did your grandma's ghost
do with it, Norville?
Fred, please, for the last time,
ghosts aren't real.
Until the truth comes out
I will be on the war path of revenge!
Oh, God. It's the ghost
of Sheriff Cogburn! Hide!
I'm in here with you.
Velma. It's just me.
Open up and let me see you!
Step away from the casket, Merle.
Merle? Who, Merle?
No! Sheriff Earl Cogburn was
my identical twin brother!
Identical? Every man over 50 looks
the same to me,
and even I know that's not true.
We're identical voice twins,
the rarest and closest of all twins.
- And I demand to see the body!
- And we demand you leave.
This is official police business.
Meaning we can sit on it
for years and keep it from the public.
No!
So Cogburn has a brother?
Yeah, I knew it wasn't a ghost.
Cool. Yeah, me, too.
Hey, maybe not the best time,
but about the whole
"I love you" imbroglio,
as it were
Velma, look, as much as I'd love
to stop caring for you
No joke. It would make
my life so much better.
I just can't.
Which is why it's weird how little
sexual tension I'm feeling right now.
Huh, yeah, I also feel nothing.
Except the general weirdness
that goes with being in a coffin.
But if I'm not secretly
pining for you,
why am I suddenly doubting
my feelings for Daphne?
Was she right not to trust me?
Daphne? You didn't hear us
talking right now, did you?
Because it wasn't me.
It was a ghost!
No, but I think my moms killed
Sheriff Cogburn to take his job.
Wait. So not Victoria?
Well, at least we have a shoe
that'll tell us for sure.
You mean, I have a shoe.
This is my case,
and I am going to prove it's the ghost
of your grandma who did it!
No! That whistle means
drop it.
Maybe solving mysteries
with dogs is a mistake.
So your moms killed Cogburn
in order to take his job.
But why hide his body?
No, the real question is,
how do we investigate them
without them finding out?
Their campaign kickoff
party is tomorrow.
We can look for clues
at your house while they're out.
Sure. But how do you leave
the fundraiser without Diya noticing?
Yes. As sad as we are
that Sheriff Cogburn died
the silver lining is
there's no other way
we would have this chance
to be co-sheriffs.
Politics is all luck.
I never would've become mayor
if my opponent hadn't drowned
in my bathtub.
This is exactly like that.
You better stick close to me.
Don't you dare give me
the slip again like at Spooner's.
Mom, look! It's Mr. S!
- Mr. S.
- Diya, Velma said you'd be here.
She also said you spent two years
in a cave and need "it" so bad
you can't see straight.
Velma!
I told you to ignore
what I say in my sleep.
Regardless, you are staying
at your father's tonight. Now, get.
Daphne, it worked.
Yes. I can absolutely prove your house
was burned down by a ghost.
It hasn't burned yet.
The ghost is still
calculating the insurance.
Fred! Enough with your ridiculous
spooky stuff hunting business.
Our family name can only take
so much embarrassment.
Norville.
This is what the pioneers smoked.
And kids who get high with their parents
always turn out great.
But I have something I need to do.
We've looked everywhere
for evidence and found nothing.
Though, kudos.
If your moms aren't killers,
they're way better at it
than being cops.
You sure?
Because it seems like we just caught
you two acting really stupid.
Oh, God! You did kill Cogburn!
I promise we won't tell.
Though, we should consider
doing a podcast about it.
- People would listen.
- Velma, we didn't kill Cogburn.
We've just been trying
to protect you from the truth.
But then Amber
spilled the beans
like they were making burritos
in an earthquake.
Amber. Am I right?
It's true. We only found Cogburn's body
in the woods yesterday,
but this is from three weeks ago.
I am here in the Police
Department records room,
where it appears
Sheriff Cogburn was murdered.
We're not sure.
There's no body. Just this
Donna, sweetie,
don't puke on that.
It's evidence.
You knew Cogburn was killed
three weeks ago?
Why hide that and start
planning your campaign?
You wanna be a sheriff,
not a congressman from Florida.
Velma, this case
is like recycling.
The less you actually know about it,
the happier you'll be.
Wait. Is that my mom's
cold case file?
Why is that evidence? And where are
Dr. Perdue's journals?
They were in the file
when I gave it back to Cogburn.
- Could that be why he was killed?
- Do you mean Dr. Edna Perdue?
Mr. S was just talking about her
at the fundraiser.
- He's, like, obsessed with her.
- What? Mr. S!
Oh, my God, Daphne. I think
we might have pimped my mom out
to Cogburn's actual murderer.
Hey, Fred. I'm not here
to ask you to accept my apology
for accidentally killing
your mom again.
I just want to say that
my dad doesn't get me either.
But while I agree with him
that your business is ridiculous,
you still made it a success
through pure hustle.
A nerd likes me. Now I know what
a fanny pack feels like.
Okay. Well, I mean it.
Like, I mean it when I say I'm sorry
I accidentally killed your mom.
Fine. Apology accepted.
I forgive you, though,
mostly because I have to
on account of my new faith.
But you take the bad
with the good.
Wait. We've been talking
about your mom
and I haven't hallucinated.
You accepting my apology
must have cured them, Fred.
- So are we good?
- Good? No, we're not good.
You killed me, Norville,
and I'll never let you forget it.
Fred. Quick. I need a snack.
All they have are baby carrots
and even I don't hate you that much.
Mom!
Please don't be dead or having sex.
Oh, God. No, Mom.
It's worse that I thought.
You're writing.
I mean, what's going on?
Where's Mr. S?
Did he try to kill you?
Kill me?
I've never felt more alive.
I'm writing again.
I know I said
I was scared to do it,
but as that perfect ass
held me in his arms,
I realized I can't live life
and be afraid of it.
So does that mean you'll let me
continue solving mysteries?
Where's Mr. S?
Did he kill Cogburn?
And if he didn't,
can we say he did?
A suspect would really
help our campaign.
I really want to say no. But given
the other options in this town,
maybe it's best if you do
keep solving mysteries.
So, I've been thinking,
and you're right.
It wasn't an accident
I told Norville I loved him.
Okay, well,
I appreciate you telling me
and having the courage to do it
within punching distance.
No, look, I thought
my mom was overreacting
about mysteries being dangerous
but she wasn't.
If you ever got hurt because I was
solving a mystery, I'd literally die.
So you've been protecting me
this whole time.
That's so romantic.
But now what?
I'm not sure,
but I know for a fact
that whatever's brewing
is even bigger than last time.
And I know for a fact that as long
as we're together, we'll be fine.
- We're soulmates.
- Soulmates?
Daphne, that term was invented
by the publishing industry
to sell books about vampires
boning werewolves.
No, it wasn't.
Everyone believes in soulmates.
We're teenage girls,
not divorce lawyers.
Sure, the sentiment
of a soul is nice,
but the only immutable
essence inside of me
is Beyonce's incomparable
"If I Were a Boy".
So you just think we're what?
Intelligent meat?
Don't be reductive.
I think we're horny meat.
Yeah, well, this meat
has never been less horny.
Daphne, I'm sorry.
Can't we just be mature about this
and make out a little bit?
She took the sock off the door,
so I'm going to bed.
What? You live here now?
"What do you know
about Dr. Edna Perdue?"
"And like, women in general?
I'm having some problems with my girl."
"I'll tell you everything you want
to know tomorrow
if you tell your mom
I'm not looking for a relationship."
What?
Hello, dear?
If you've found a cold sore,
I can explain.
I have herpes.
Hello?