Whitney s02e01 Episode Script

Alex, wake up.
Are you sure you still wanna be with me forever and ever And ever? - I do.
- Whoo! Me, too! You know, mine itches.
Those tattoo needles did not look good.
There's a very strong possibility that I have hepatitis.
That means we have hepatitis.
Aw.
That makes total sense.
You know, the day we become officially monogamous, we catch an std.
Are you sure the tattoos are enough? 'Cause we can totally try to get married again on Monday.
Nah, no.
This is more us, you know? I mean, yesterday, we went to city hall, the DMV, and the emergency room, so really, it was just as exhausting as an actual wedding.
I mean, we don't need a marriage license.
You know, I mean, tattoos are so much more permanent.
We're doin' our own thing.
Let's just say we're married.
Just like you say you graduated college.
Exactly.
Well, then, uh, we're married now.
Cool.
Feel good and old.
But I promise you: Just 'cause we're married does not mean I'm gonna throw in the towel.
You know, I know a lot of women, when they get married, they, you know, cut their hair short.
I am not gonna do that, okay? In fact, I'm gonna grow my hair out.
Okay, cool.
All of it.
All right, well, I for sure am gonna let myself go.
Go where? How much further can you go? You'll see.
You know, let's have my mom over.
I wanna tell her that I'm married, you know, so she'll stop trying to set me up with distant relatives.
- You sure? - Yeah! I mean, I'm a wife now.
I need to get in the habit of doing things that make me miserable.
Yeah, and I'm a husband.
I need to get in the habit of making you miserable.
All right, well, then, we'll invite your mom over.
Look, I don't really care what we do, as long as we get to consummate our marriage.
- Mm! - Mm.
Oh, no.
My left finger's broken.
Mine's not.
Girl, look at that body girl, look at that body girl, look at that body I--I work out girl, look at that body Okay.
That was your bachelorette party.
I can't believe you're married.
You! I mean, you.
Aw, I remember my first day of marriage.
Who am I kidding? No, I don't.
So I'm all ready to hang out with your mom.
What do you want me to do, make some bloody Marys and put some plastic down? No, I do not need any help.
I got it.
Aw, come on, let me help you out with something.
- You broke your finger.
- No, don't bother, Alex.
Whit won't ever let anyone help her.
Yeah, I saw her paint a whole room once without a ladder.
Bitch can jump.
No, but I thought, you know, some of that would change once we got married.
I mean, come on, Whit.
Let me do some husband stuff.
Okay, you wanna do some husband stuff? - Leave.
- Okay.
Okay, so don't forget: Everything my mom says is either a backhanded compliment or a front-handed insult.
- Got it, right? - So if she says, "wow, this apartment's really easy to keep clean," - she means - That it's small.
And that you're not a man, but you got it.
- Can I help you with that? - No, I got it.
Damn, bitch can jump.
Wow, Whit is taking this marriage stuff pretty seriously.
Maybe we should split a wedding gift.
How about, like, a spa treatment? Oh, no.
Whit would hate that.
She can't be in small spaces.
Keep in mind that Whitney is claustrophobic, agoraphobic, but also has abandonment issues which is why she can't stand it if people are more or less than 20 feet away from her.
I did not know that.
Oh, the other day, I saw these beautiful Martini shakers-- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Whitney does not have a healthy relationship with Martinis.
One time, we were at sandals in key west.
Whitney had four Martinis and got into a fistfight with an olive.
The olive won.
Oh, hey, that's my mom.
- Can you grab it? - Uh, yeah.
Candi.
You! Me.
Lily! When's the big day? Oh, uh, we actually called off the engagement.
Oh, no! Why? We just weren't compatible.
You know what they say: Men are from Mars, and Neal's having sex with men.
Oh, honey, he'll be back.
He'll soon realize that men are disgusting.
- Hi, mom.
- Hi, honey.
Hey, Candi, do you want a drink? Yeah, sure.
It's 10:00 A.
M.
somewhere.
Whit, are you sure you don't want us to stay? We can totally stay and help out.
- Aw, you guys can go.
- Oh, you sure? - Mom, what is this? - That's from me.
- Congratulations.
- Come on! You didn't have to get us a gift-- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's fine.
Your cousin Nancy doesn't come over here, does she? - I have cousins? - Perfect.
I would've brought it to the ceremony, but I wasn't invited.
Oh, no, we didn't have a ceremony.
- Didn't Whit tell you? - Yeah, mom, remember? We talked on the phone last night? I was screaming over your blender? You were making a protein shake - colada? - Ah.
Must not have registered.
You know I take my pill at 9:00.
Oh, no, she called you at 5:00.
I take my first pill at 4:00.
So let me see the ring.
Oh, um, well, Alex got me a ring, but then my finger broke, so we had to go to the E.
R.
, and then they had to cut-- Is that what he told you to say? Because I can find a shelter.
Candi, we didn't really do the marriage license thing, you know, but we got tattoos.
Mm-hmm.
I don't understand.
- Wha--there's no ring? - Mm-mm.
There's no license? There's no ceremony? Yes, but as far as we're concerned, we are totally married.
Well, that's fun.
Well, what am I supposed to tell my friends? Okay, mom, just tell them that we're m-- Um, guess what? I made your favorite.
- Chicken and splenda.
- Look at you.
Look at you and your kitchen.
Reminds me of when you used to stick your head in your easy-bake oven.
Okay, mom, it wasn't an easy-bake oven.
It was an empty Jack Daniels box with a flashlight taped inside.
Why would you bring that up? Well, okay, so, uh, what about the splenda situation here? Do I put the splenda on the chicken? Do I put the chicken on the splenda? Or do I sprinkle it like, directly in the bird? - Uh, that's gross.
- That's disgusting.
You just-- You use it - to make the sauce.
- Oh, uh, uh-- Uh, you know, honey, would you mind - if I didn't stay for dinner? - Why? Well, I told Donna I couldn't come to her housewarming 'cause I thought you got married, and now I feel like a liar.
And you know, Donna, she's like family to me.
- No worries at all, mom.
- Okay.
You know what? Why don't you put my chicken on ice? Maybe I'll swing by on the way back, but I think it's gonna be an all-nighter.
Donna's husband works for Seagram's.
Tell you what? Keep the gift.
- Thank you.
- See ya, Alex.
Listen: Getting a marriage license takes two minutes.
Make it official.
It makes it harder for them to leave, and don't have children right away.
That's what your father and I did, and it was a disaster.
Love you.
Love you.
So I took a swing at this splenda sauce.
I think I'm coming close.
- Is it supposed to glow? - Mm-hmm.
You know, your mom, it was really nice of her gettin' a gift.
She didn't have to do that.
I think that, uh-- Whit, are you hot? You okay? I'm fine.
Wait, I know this game.
"I'm fine" means you're not fine.
It's nothing.
Come here.
Come here.
Okay, come here.
Come here, come here.
Oh, it's nothing.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
It's okay, it's okay.
Come here.
Come here.
I mean, it's the most important day of my life.
She just left.
It's okay, all right? Everything's gonna be fine.
You have me now.
It's okay.
What's that? What? That.
That's nothing.
I definitely felt something.
No, uh, that's my belt buckle.
Okay, does your belt buckle have a pulse? Yeah.
Why are you turned on? Is this because I'm crying? What? No--you're crying? Uh, wh--I don't-- poor you.
Come here--oh.
Come here.
Do you have some kind of sick fetish for, like, weak girls? What? No.
I don't think so.
Ha--do you? Okay, great.
For the first time in my life, I actually feel safe, and this is what you do.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
I did not authorize this, okay? It just, like-- it just happened.
Okay, I'm really freaked out by you right now.
I'm just--I'm gonna go for a walk.
Well, no, no.
No, no, no.
Hey, look, you know what? Just keep talking.
It'll go away.
Oh, really? Now you go away? Wait.
What is wrong with me? - What? - That did not happen.
- Stop it.
- There is no way.
- It's crazy, right? - You cried? I feel like that's less the thing than the other thing.
You didn't even cry when you walked through the sliding glass door at Chili's.
No, you know what? I've seen Whitney cry before.
- You have? - Yeah.
It was in college.
She was crying in the shower, and so was I.
We all were.
Whitney cried? Yup.
Whitney still has tears in her head? Apparently.
I feel terrible.
- She started crying.
- And that's when you-- Yeah.
Dude, it's not your fault.
Sometimes, that just happens at the worst time.
You're not even thinkin' about sex and you get a visit from the goon squad.
One time that happened to me when I was going through airport security.
Things get weird when I'm barefoot.
Yeah, one time it happened to me at the rock climbing wall at the ESPN zone.
- Oh, and once at Staples.
- Every time! The worst is when it happens at a family reunion.
And you lost me.
Usually, when that happens, there's something primal going on, like You needed to protect her and procreate.
I mean, this is national geographic 101.
Yeah, Whitney is so independent.
Maybe I just got turned on 'cause she was being vulnerable, you know? You sicko.
I am so confused about this.
It's like, I feel really angry and unsafe, but I also feel really pretty.
It's not a big deal.
Guys are always excited.
That's why their pants are made to poke out like that when they sit.
I mean, I don't know what to do.
Just apologize.
I didn't do anything wrong.
It doesn't matter.
Look, my biggest regret in my marriage was always being too proud to apologize.
My second regret was giving him my iTunes password.
You guys, is Taylor swift gonna be okay? My biggest regret in my relationship was being a woman, so - Hey.
- Hey, look, I'm really sorry.
- That wasn't cool.
- No, I'm sorry.
I--I completely overreacted, and, you know, it's-- it's my fault for lookin' so cute today.
Well, I actually think I just got excited 'cause your mom left.
I'm sorry.
I just--I get so sensitive when my mom's around.
It's like she just pushes all of my buttons.
She certainly knows where they are, because she put them there.
I think she just was confused about how unconventional our thing is.
Oh.
So you're saying my mom's right? Well, no, I didn't say that.
Oh.
That's how it felt.
Well, feelings aren't facts.
I mean, that's what you say under your breath sometimes.
Okay, do not use my affirmations against me.
No.
I just think that we need to get used to people being confused about this.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, you don't have to apologize.
Okay, I'm not really sorry.
I just don't want to end up like Roxanne.
Where's the chicken? Oh, I threw it away.
You threw away the chicken? Yeah, I just--I didn't know you still wanted it.
Who are you? You still wanted it? Chicken's my whole life.
I thought that honey boo boo was your whole life.
Okay.
That was the first chicken I made as a wife.
All right, so what do you want me to do? Bronze it? Okay, look, we both know your mom's not coming back.
Donna's husband works for Seagram's.
Okay, are you, like, trying to make me cry again? Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
Hold on.
Whoa.
Just everybody relax.
Let's just stop talking - maybe for like a minute, okay? - Okay, okay.
In that case, why don't we just get a divorce? Get--we can't get a divorce.
We're not even married.
Oh, no.
I can't believe my first day of marriage is ending up on Roxanne's couch.
Technically, it's my bed, but whatever.
J.
Crew? - Topshop? - Shopbop? - It's Alex.
- Oh.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Mm, maybe we should just wait in my bedroom.
Oh, could I make a drink first? Oh, I keep drinks in there.
You know, my parents have a rule.
They never sleep apart no matter how mad they are at each other, and they've been together for 40 years.
You've been together 40 years.
Good one.
Look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that, all right? It wasn't cool.
Oh, all right, really.
Well, you know, my parents have another rule.
If my dad wants to sit on the couch and my mom doesn't let him, then he sits on her.
My dad sat on other women, too, and that's why my parents got divorced.
He showed up with pillows to sleep here? Who is he? Me? What about for her wedding gift, we get them some nice monogrammed pillowcases? Oh, that's sweet, but Whitney doesn't like monogrammed things.
She's not entirely sure what her initials are.
You didn't know that? No, I didn't.
You know what? Why don't you just pick out her presents, since you know her so much better than I do? Wha--whoa, I never said that.
Yeah, but you've been implying it all day.
- Roxanne-- - What? I mean, I get it.
You two have been friends longer, you know? I will never be as close as you two are.
- I can't afford a gift.
- What? The reason I've been shooting down all your ideas is because I can't afford any of them.
I'm just really broke right now, and I already feel bad enough that I've been mooching off you.
No, Lily! I stay here for free.
I eat all your food.
I've sold some of your clothes.
You have? You have so many clothes in your closet - with the tags still on.
- I know.
I don't even like them.
I just buy them so other people can't have them.
I feel like that took a weird turn.
Look Lily, I like covering you, and I really like having someone here when I come home, you know? You're like a cat who talks.
- You're like a dog.
- Ooh--yeah, mm.
Look, I shouldn't have said that we weren't married, all right? That was stupid, but moving forward, we're both gonna do stupid things every now and then, and every time we get into a fight, you can't just bolt.
I only did it twice today.
Whit, you don't have to run away, all right? You're safe.
You're crushing me.
I know that everyone who was supposed to take care of you in your life let you down, but now, I'm gonna take care of you and you're gonna let me.
- Oh, am I? - Yeah.
And you're gonna let me do things, all right? I'm gonna reach for the bowls and I'm gonna move the heavy things, and you're gonna let me talk to the cops.
And, you know, every now and then, when something goes wrong, I'm gonna take care of you, all right? Because you need me.
That makes me sick.
Well, at least I'm not the only one with a physical reaction to you needing me.
Okay, I do not need you.
Yeah, you do, all right? You left your wallet at home, and I have it, so technically, you do need me.
Fine, keep it.
It's full of your money.
Hey, Whit.
I got you.
I hate you.
No, you love me.
I do.
And whenever you forget that you do, just look at your tattoo.
I know that I'm a mess sometimes, but I got you, too.
Well, that means that we got this.
Yeah.
We got this.
Can we say tomorrow's our first day of marriage? I feel like we kinda bombed this.
I don't know.
Maybe it was so rough because, you know, we didn't, like, say vows.
You didn't promise me anything.
Okay.
Let's do some vows.
- Let's vow it up.
- Yeah? - Bring it in.
- All right.
I, Whitney, promise to have and to hug.
And you promise to let me take care of you and just generally calm down.
And you promise to let me throw out your crocs.
In sickness and in health.
For richer or for poorer.
Until your "accidental" death do us part.
Play ball! Getting you guys a wedding gift wasn't easy because you didn't have a registry and you're so weird, but here you go.
These should help you live a long and happy life together.
Aw, his and hers noise-cancelling headphones.
Thank you, mark.
Yeah, I was gonna get you a sound machine, but you are one.
And this is from me and Roxanne.
Aww! Oh, my God! Us in college With Roxanne photoshopped in floating above us.
You guys! I know we've only been friends with Roxanne for a couple years, but it really does feel like we've all been friends forever.
It does.
Oh, oh, she's crying.
I saw it.