Wild West (2002) s02e01 Episode Script

(? Romantic music) (Music stops) You seethat's not doing anything for me any more.
- How about you? - No, nothing.
Yeah Been together for 15 years.
l think we've fondled ourselves into the ground.
Let's face it, we've both been attracted to other people for some time.
15 years though.
l don't think l can face looking for someone else, can you? - Yeah, l can, yeah.
- Oh.
Tell you what, Ange, l might go for a man next.
- Why? - Well, time for a change, innit? ln this life, you stand still, people behind you just bump into you.
- That's true.
- Don't get me wrong l mean, you know, l've enjoyed being a lesbian.
l love the magazines and having our own stall at the Royal Cornwall Show.
- Oh, we've stood on a lot of floats.
- Yeah.
- So, you'll move out then, will you? - No.
Right.
- (Quacking) - (Laughter) - Four hours well spent.
- Hey, look at that.
Evening.
Stand back This isyou know Bugger! That is hot.
Bloody hot! (Doorbell) - Mary.
Angela.
- PC Alan.
No, l'm going to say no because l am strong.
What brings you sniffing round our parts? The little matter of the burned-out car - in the car park.
- Yeah, what's that all about? - Arson.
- Oh.
Yes.
lt's an ugly word.
Probably because it's got ''arse'' in it.
Why would somebody do that? l talked to the car's owners and l'll just say How much are the Magnums? - 90 - No.
Don't tell me.
l'm not interested.
l'll just say this - l will be interviewing a number of local people who've been implicated.
How dare you accuse the decent God-fearing people of this village! How dare you! Although you may want to interview the Leggo family.
- Definitely.
- And anyone under the age of 21 .
l may do that.
And where were you last night between the hours of well, sort of in the evening? We were at homesplitting up.
Oh, all right, l'm sorry.
Why? Were you just all lezzed out, as it were? Was it more a case of l'll just have a small one.
- (Angela) Hi, Holly.
- Hi.
- Good morning, Miss Hunteman.
- PC Alan.
ls that a Mini Milk in yer 'and or are you just pleased to see me? lt is is a Mini Milk but l am pleased to see you.
Ooh, thank you! Because l need to interview you about criminal damage caused to a blue Vauxhall Astra, registration KN O81 .
- (Mary) Funny! - Oh, don't be so ridiculous! When you're ready!.
l've got Amnesty lnternational's number.
Don't panic and offer him intercourse! l would normally do this at the interview room but it's being decorated.
- Oh.
- They've got a designer in.
Sergeant Barmby's girlfriend.
We're braced for the worst.
Right.
Would you please give your name and say something about yourself just for sound levels.
Erm, my name'sHolly Hunteman and l run the witchcraft centre here in St Gweep.
l'm a Pisces.
My lodestone's an opal and my birth weed is bladderwrack.
- Thank you.
- l hate wrongdoing and injustice.
- l'll do anything to stamp it out.
- Like setting fire to a car belonging to some foul-mouthed lads who stole an artefact from you? Mm-hm.
Walked right into that, didn't l? So we've established you are a vengeful person.
- Now - Sorry, the centre isn't open yet.
OK.
- The Force be with you.
- The Force be with you.
The car's owners admit that they stole a tray of petrified nipples from the witchcraft centre and were chased out by a young blonde Roman.
l think that must be ''woman''.
Who screamed at them, '''Give me my nipples back' or we would be forever accursed.
'' - (? Heavy rock) - Aargh! - You like my nipples, love, do you, eh? - Put them back! Come on! Wait! l look as guilty as sin, don't l? Homes ln History.
Mine.
Charity.
Cakes And Pastries.
Mine.
Charity.
- Cooking With Liver.
- Mine.
Keep.
- More Cooking With Liver.
- Yeah, mine.
- Totally Liver.
- Mine! - Are you going to help? - No, l'm doing a list! Oh, l love a list.
A list of men who might realistically be my boyfriend.
Actually you should do one too, Ange.
Come on.
Come on.
There.
Oh, you'll know this.
What's the name of that relief milkman who juggles his yoghurts? - Come on! - Dunno.
l'll just put yoghurt juggler.
- What about PC Alan? Got a girlfriend? - l don't know.
l have seen him looking longingly at me.
Yeah.
Were you standing in front of the ice-cream fridge? - That's true, l was.
- Well, l'll put him down on my list, then.
You know who you should go after.
That lopsided social worker on the Pent Road.
- Why me? - Well he's used to handling disturbed people, like yourself.
Where do you get this from? This idea about me? Er, well, you have just doodled a woman being whipped by a bear.
OK.
Come on.
Come on.
What sort of bloke would you really like? l want someone who canread my moods, likes experimenting with colours, understands shoes, an artist, a carer and a friend.
- You know there is no such bloke? - Yes.
You know what l'd like? l'd like a bloke who's physically strong, good in a crisis, sexually volcanic and a little bit strict.
My name is Jake Trethowan, St Gweep's premier boatman.
l offer fishing trips, pleasure rides and candle-lit mini-cruises - at reasonable rates - OK! lt's not an advert! For safety reasons, l can't use real candles.
Righty-ho.
So, you were in the Coach And Horses that night, were you not? - Were you? - l ask the questions.
l'm the policeman.
- Yes, l was.
- Does this boat run on petrol? - Yes.
- ls that petrol can empty? - Yes.
- Wouldn't it normally be full? Or did you use it to set fire to a car? - Objection.
- Don't say objection, that's silly.
Can you move off, please? Give me one good reason why l would set fire to their car.
You hate young people, loud people, people who drive cars rather than boats and people from Devon.
Which exactly describes the owners of the vehicle.
Who told you that? lt's a lie.
- You told me.
- Oh, damn.
Sorry, feel a bit queasy.
What's the best way of beating seasickness? - Don't get in a boat.
- Oh, let's get this over with, quick.
What contact did you have with the three lads? - None.
- You didn't take 'em for a boat trip which led to misbehaviour on their part? (Yelling) - Aaah! - (Jeering) Ah.
(Retches) (Vomits) l shouldprobably have done that over the side, shouldn't l? Sorry, l - Deep Purple, Come Taste The Band.
- Keep.
- Death Eruption, Live ln Bodmin.
- Keep.
And it's Death Eruption ''live'' ln Bodmin.
The drummer went out with my cousin.
He was tap-tap-tapping all the time.
Drove her mad.
Olivia Newton-John, Totally Hot.
(Both) Charity.
lt's a spooky thought, isn't it, Ange? That one of these could end up being our life partner.
Mine and yours.
So Gweep's finest, most eligible men waiting and wanted! Mm.
You don't think Mark Nettles is too young? Mark Nettles? No, he's legal.
Just.
And you've gotta take what you can in small communities, Ange.
Personally, l have high hopes for me and Stevie Duff.
Admittedly, my drawing probably hasn't done him justice.
Still, all we've got to do now is meet them and make our choice.
- Angela? - What? - Angela.
- What? Give me the gun.
(Sighs) - You did unload it, didn't you? - Of course l.
- (Gunshot) - Ah! You see, that's how accidents happen! God! - Hi, Howard.
- Oh, hi, Sue.
Oh, sorry! Howard, it's you! How are you? How are you? With your little dog and everything.
Looking allsingle.
(Drilling) - (Shouting) Name and job? - My name's Harry King, village handyman.
Do you have to do that while l'm interviewing you? You better arrest me if you don't like it.
Flippin' shed ain't gonna dismantle itself, is it? (Dialogue drowned by drill) On the day in question you were involved in a fracas with the owners of the vehicle later set on fire.
No, it wasn't a fracas.
lt was more of a playful little ruckus, you know.
Whoo-oo! (Laughing) Plonker! Plonker! Bastards! So you were harbouring no feelings of animosity? None.
l don't expect a member of Her Majesty's paramilitary pig force to believe me! Can you just hold that bit for me there? - Yeah.
- Cheers, boy.
Well, if l may be provocative - (Loud drilling) - l think if l'd come here and you hadn't been there, l'd have to conclude that you are guilty.
- That wouldn't be a burn on your hand? - What? No.
That's Yeah, yeah.
l got that rescuing a burning bun from a toaster.
That concludes the interview with Mr King.
For the time bein'.
l had my first rejection by email this morning.
- Oh.
Who was that, then? - Jeremy.
What, nice Jeremy from the Cornish Tourist Authority? - Little shit! - Yeah! Years of friendly nodding in the street and then l invite him out for a baked potato because you made me.
Within moments he's replied, ''Sorry, l'm up to me eyes in me mother's curtains.
'' You know what l had from Dave Wilson? ''l know my marriage is rocky - ''but we're working it out together.
'' - What a nerve! Complete nerve! You're looking at a demographic black hole, ladies of your age, aren't you? The over-35s.
l mean, the younger man prefers a younger woman.
Simpler to handle.
The older single man, well-known fact, they're all either gay, damaged by divorce, mad, unsavoury, commitment-phobic, in a coma or heart-stoppingly ugly.
Think mail order.
Nice foreign hubby.
Thai, Russian, lnuit.
Very good in a blizzard.
- Am l being offensive now? - You know who l might call? Gary Carstairs.
He's my number seven.
He always said we should go out.
Shared a bed with his sister.
So what's the sentence for that sort of crime? - You're inside.
- No.
- ls that true? - Yeah.
Three months to ten years.
- £2,000 fine.
- You don't know, do you? Haven't a clue.
Always best to guess, see if anyone notices.
l hate police.
Take away their uniforms and what are they? - Naked policemen.
- They're like you and me.
- Taller than you.
- Shut up! PC Alan's all right.
Might make a decent boyfriend one of these days.
No, he goes out with WPC Smothers.
(Sighs) - Oh, you know you two splitting up - Yes.
ln the witchy world we think it's important to celebrate the milestones.
You know, first pubic hair, first sense of spiritual oneness - First time with two women.
- Ye-es.
So, l want to give you, Mary and Angela, a divorcing.
lt's like a wedding.
Lots of joy.
Divorce meds, if you're into that.
- Naked dancing? - Would you like there to be? - Yes.
- (Both) No.
As you wish.
We'll just gather in a wood, l'll say a few words.
We normally burn all your clothes.
- What! - To signify the passing of the old.
- Why don't we burn all your clothes? - No.
lt wouldn't work.
- Shall we do it at the weekend? - Oh, do you know, actually, we - What a shame! - Yeah.
- Cos we'regoingon acruise - Yeah.
- Somewhere.
Oh, please! l only need one more divorce and l get my divorcing scroll from the witchcraft society, Witsoc.
- Uh! - Oh, all right.
Oh! l love you.
l'll dig out some veils.
lt's not looking good, is it? Maybe we're destined to spend the rest of our lives alone.
- We are doing the right thing, aren't we? - Oh, yes.
OK.
My last chance phone call.
You, Alex.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Hello, Alex.
lt's Mary Trewednack here.
You know, from the shop.
So, how are you? Yeah.
Yeah.
(Whispers) Sounds nice.
Chatting away.
Yes Yes Motorbike.
Yes Football Hmm Yes.
Yes.
You know what you should do? Make your last chance call while l finish this one.
- No.
- Yes.
Or l'll invite him to the divorcing ceremony.
So, Alex, Alex.
Why don't you pop round here tonight? l'll cook you up a supper, yeah? No, just bring yourself and a bottle of wine.
Yeah.
And a puddin'.
You all right, Tim? Yeah.
There he is, Ange.
There he is.
- Go on, tell him you want him.
- No! - Tell him or l'll tell him.
- No, no.
Tim, Tim.
Why don't you ask Ange out? Go on, she's a super girl.
Look at her.
Yeah.
- Go on! - Er, would you like to go out - for awalk or something? - Yeah, she'd love that, yeah.
Ring me, l'll arrange it, yeah? All right, Tim, yeah? Yeah.
(Clattering) Sorry about that.
My jangle tree was snagging.
(Speaks Cornish) Which is Cornish for please turn off your mobile phones.
Everyone touch hands and form a ring around the divorcin' couple.
Now, the divorcers should hold their mistletoe and wave it in the air.
- (Mary) Wave it? - Yes.
Just give it a wave.
OK, everybody shout out a message of goodwill.
Come on! l'll start you off.
Erm Fare thee well through life's enchanted journey.
Jake, your turn.
Boat for hire.
Have alovely time.
- Harry? - Don't do anything l wouldn't do.
Ah, magical.
Aaah! (High-pitched wail) (All wail) (Siren) Angela Phillips, please.
Hey.
Your name and personalised details for police purposes, please.
My name is Angela Phillips.
l run the shop and post office in St Gweep with my friend, Mary.
- Nice and loud, please.
- (Shouts) Mary! You claim you didn't leave your flat on the night of the crime.
- l didn't.
- l put it to you, you quite easily could've.
- Do you wanna answer? - Answer what? - The question.
- lt wasn't a question.
- Well, it was.
- Well, it wasn't.
- OK Let me rephrase the question.
- lt wasn't a question.
- Yes, what? - Excuse me.
Can you direct me to Penis Street, please? Do you agree that you had opportunity and also motive for setting fire to the car because you had a run-in with the youths earlier on in the day? Yes.
(? Heavy rock) Aah! - Oh dear! - Stop it! l'm hardly the kind of person that would commit a crime though, am l? Except in 1988 when you received a suspended sentence for shooting a traffic warden in the foot.
Come on! Come on! - lt's not easy being a policeman! - (Youths chant) Penis! Penis! Maybe not! What am l gonna say to him? l haven't had a date with a man for 15 years.
- What am l gonna say? - ''Hello, Alex.
'' Hello, Alex.
- Can l take your - Can l take your - Pants? - Jacket? Jacket.
- (Doorbell) - Oh God, he's here! He's here.
- He's here! - Calm! - OK.
- OK.
OK.
OK.
Hello, good eve-ling.
Come on up, please.
Yes, thank you.
- Oooh! - Look he's just a chap - Yeah.
- .
.
here for a meal.
Here for a meal.
l forgot to cook the meal! - The meal is in the oven.
- ln the oven.
l'm gonna wait for a minute to check he isn't psychotic then l'm gonna leave you two alone.
- OK.
OK.
- (Alex) Hello.
(High pitched) Hello! Hello! - Hello.
Come on in! - Thank you.
- Welcome! - Blancmange, for puddin'.
Er, it lost its rabbit shape on the walk over.
- Oh right.
- (Giggling) Ah, right.
That's, erm, that's Angela.
She'll be going in a minute.
- Going in a minute.
- Yeah.
l'm gonna leave you two to it.
So, this is just a nice relaxing evening, really.
- What's that? - Thatthat is a loaded gun.
Angela's gun.
Nothing to worry about.
You weren't supposed to see that.
Just don't look at that.
OK! Ha-ha.
Come and sit down here.
That's it.
So, this is just a very relaxed, sort of casual evening, innit? l mean, l know that you've been through a very messy divorce recently so last thing either of us needs really is loads of pressure, innit? - Very true.
- So - Jacket? - Thanks.
Goodbye.
My name is Jeff Backs.
l am a leisure facility executive.
Father of two children.
Or is it three? Honest as the day is long.
Not that l'm any less honest in the winter when the days are shorter, just to be clear.
And l'm gonna be honest with you.
The net is closing in on the guilty party.
ls it? Do you wanna drink? - No, no.
Not on duty.
- Oh, go on! Have a Baileys.
You haven't got any ice creams back there? No.
No, no.
So, the owners of the soon-to-be-torched vehicle entered your leisure facility at approximately ln the evening at some point.
- Yes, they did.
- You served them.
- Yes.
- They horsed around.
You could call it that, yes.
- (? Heavy rock) - (Shouting) - Things got more out of hand.
- Can't remember.
- You got angry - Well And you shouted something at them.
- ls that a question? - Yes.
l may have said something like, ''Stop that horsing around, please.
'' You made a specific threat.
Can you remember what that was? No The oldmemory bank's letting me down.
You said, ''Any more of that and l'll set fire to your car.
'' Didn't you? - Wasn't me.
l'm innocent.
- l need to gather all the suspects in here.
Soa car was destroyed.
Why? Because the vehicle's owners deserved it, didn't they? They'd offended five normally law-abiding villagers.
So, did Jeff do it? He had a motive.
He'd even threatened to perform that very act of vandalism.
- Get on with it.
- Yeah, come on.
We're opening up in 20 minutes.
But as landlord of a busy pub, would he have had time to slip away and set fire to a car? - No, he wouldn't.
- Might've, actually.
- l'm always slipping away.
- No, you wouldn't! So let's move on to Mr Jake Trethowan.
He had a motive and he had a burnt hand No, that was me.
- Beg pardon.
- Harry had the burnt hand.
My thing was l'd used up petrol from my spare can on the boat.
That's right.
Sorry.
l'm gonna have to open up the witchcraft centre.
- Are you gonna come to me last? - l may do that - if that's what justice requires.
- Oh, no.
That means he thinks l did it! lt's always the last person.
- Where are you going? - l'm going for a piss.
You can't.
l'm doing a summing up.
- l'll tell him what you say.
- He has to listen! Poirot didn't have people going for a piss.
Right.
Where was l? l have something to say.
l didn't want to have to say this but you need to speak to Mary.
Demelza Leggo buying fireworks, is it? As if l'm gonna sell you those.
What you actually need is these.
Ten quid more but they'll take your breath away.
Actually they're made in China.
Probably take your eyebrows away too.
l'll have that.
Go on, scram.
Mary Trewednack, will you accompany me to the police station, please? - What? Why? - l need to speak with you.
Anything you want to say you can say in front of my customers.
Did you destroy blue Vauxhall Astra, registration KN O81 on the evening of the 23rd last? Yes, l did.
(Shouting) (Tyres screech) Filthy rozzers! Take a seat.
Yes, it's too cosy.
l'vel've done the memo.
Right.
(Mary clears throat) (Beep) She drives me crazy (Beep) Please describe what happened on the evening in question.
Well, l spent all evening in our flat with my friend Angela.
We snogged and we realised that the sexual sparkle had gone out of our relationship.
But don't get me wrong, l still love 'er.
Oh, right.
Angela told me that there'd been some trouble that day and that everyone was very upset with these hooligans.
So the phone went and it was Holly calling from the pub and she said these lads was down there roughing people up, it was disgusting and they didn't know what to do.
They'd called the police but your answerphone was on.
Oh! No.
We do do that.
That's true.
Now, this is where theslightlyillegal part comes.
Angela has got a gun left over from a traffic warden shooting incident from many years ago when she was going through one of her bad patches.
Actually, you ought to have that.
- Je - No, no.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
So l opened our window.
l aimed the shooter and in a simple act of community justice, and as a sort of friendly warning, l blasted the bastards' car to kingdom come.
Very satisfying, l think you'll agree.
(Beep) OK, well, l'll let it go on this occasion but do that again and l'll have the full weight of the law crashing down on your head.
Oh, l love it when you're strict.
(Mary) So l hear you're going out with WPC Smothers.
- That is correct.
- ls she here at all? - l'll tell her you're chucking her.
- Now, now.
She's not here anyway.
- She's on an anger management course.
- Oh, is she? - OK.
On your way, then.
- You know she's a werewolf, don't you? - You're being foolish.
- No, she is.